The Daughter Becomes the Caregiver: Finding Strength, Grace, and God Through the Journey."

In this heartfelt episode, Barbara Wallace and guest Fran Paul explore the emotional and spiritual journey of becoming a caregiver for a parent. They share personal stories, faith-based encouragement, and practical tips for navigating this challenging season with love and resilience.

Caregiving is a journey that many never imagine they will embark on. If you've ever found yourself in the role of a caregiver, particularly for a parent, you know that it can be filled with love, sacrifice, and a myriad of emotions. In this blog post, we explore the profound insights shared by Fran Paul during her conversation with Barbara Wallace on the "Planted and Rooted in God's Word" podcast. Join us as we delve into the challenges and rewards of caregiving and discover how faith can guide us through the toughest moments.

## Understanding the Role Reversal in Caregiving

Becoming a caregiver for a parent is a significant role reversal that can invoke feelings of confusion and sadness. Fran Paul, who has experienced this firsthand, shared her initial reactions when she realized her mother needed care. It was overwhelming for her to witness her once strong mother begin to struggle with dementia, a condition that can change not only the physical state but also the emotional dynamics of family relationships. Fran's story resonates with many who find themselves in similar situations, grappling with the sudden shift from being cared for to providing care.

The emotional toll of realizing that a parent, once a pillar of strength, now requires assistance can be profound. Fran describes feeling lost and overwhelmed, a sentiment that many caregivers can relate to. This emotional journey is often filled with moments of doubt, questioning whether one is equipped to handle the responsibilities that come with caregiving.

## The Emotional Landscape of Caregiving

When Fran first accepted her role as a caregiver, she experienced a whirlwind of emotions. The initial shock gave way to a deeper understanding of her mother's condition and the challenges ahead. Fran's journey highlights the importance of recognizing these feelings and finding ways to cope. She emphasizes that it’s natural to feel anxiety and struggle, especially when faced with a diagnosis that changes everything.

In her conversation, Fran encourages caregivers to lean on their faith during these challenging times. She shares how prayer became a source of strength, allowing her to navigate the complexities of caregiving while maintaining her own emotional health. This reliance on faith can provide the comfort and guidance needed when the path seems uncertain.

## Facing Challenges Behind Closed Doors

One of the key insights from Fran's experience is the often-hidden challenges caregivers face. While caregivers may appear composed on the outside, the reality is that they often grapple with feelings of isolation and stress. Fran discusses how the aggressive nature of her mother’s dementia created difficult situations that were not visible to others. The emotional strain of witnessing a loved one change can be heartbreaking, and Fran's story sheds light on the importance of support systems for caregivers.

Understanding that one is not alone in this journey can be incredibly empowering. Fran encourages caregivers to seek help from friends, family, and support groups. Sharing experiences can alleviate some of the burdens and remind caregivers that they are not alone in their struggles.

## The Importance of Faith and Support

Throughout their discussion, Barbara and Fran emphasize the role of faith in navigating the complexities of caregiving. The scripture Ephesians 6:2-3 reminds us to honor our parents, which can take many forms, especially when traditional roles are reversed. Fran highlights that honoring her mother now means providing the care and support she needs, even when it’s challenging.

Both women stress the importance of prayer and community support. They encourage caregivers to connect with others who understand the unique challenges of their role, fostering a sense of belonging and shared experience. This connection can be vital in maintaining one’s mental health and emotional well-being.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Have you ever watched someone who once seemed so strong slowly begin so to be kinned on you? The parent who once held your hand now needs you to hold theirs. The mother or father who comforts you now looks to you for comfort. Becoming a caregiver isn't something most of us prepare for. It changes your schedule, your emotions, your relationships, and sometimes even your identity. If walking this journey is you today, I want you to know God sees you and today's conversation is just for you. Now stay with us and welcome back to Planet and Rooted in God's Word podcast. I'm your host, Barbara Wallace. Today we're talking about a session that many women never imagined that they would face the moment when the daughter becomes the caregiver. It's a journey filled with love, sacrifice, long nights, unexpected tears, and moments when you're not sure if you're doing enough. Joining me today is a special guest, Fran Paul. She's going to share her personal caregiving journey, the challenges she faced, the lessons she learned, and most importantly, how God has carried her through every step. Now, whether you're currently caring for a parent, preparing for that season, or supporting someone who is, I believe today's conversation will encourage your heart. Before we begin, let us pray. Dear precious Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask you to come in this mist today, and I ask you to bless those that are in need of getting your guidance. So in Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Fran, welcome. Welcome to the podcast. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Thank you. I'm well. Hello, everyone.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Awesome, awesome. So, you know, just a reminder that, you know, this is a sensitive subject, and Fran has lived this. And just be a reminder that there may be some tough times doing this, but we're going to push through this. So, can you tell us a little about yourself and when you realize that uh your your mom needed the care?

SPEAKER_02 2:44

Well, yes. Um, as far as me, um, I'm her second child, and my parents, as far as the background, my parents are Haitian descendants, so I am Haitian as well. But when I started to notice is when my mom started to get lost, and also her having a stroke affected, you know, her mentally as far as with dementia.

SPEAKER_03 3:12

Which brought us to this place.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

Awesome, awesome. And you know, I think that that's one of the hardest moments because no one prepares us, you know, for that role reversal we're normally ready for, just you know, always looking to our mom or our dad for support. And then when that role changes, it's a different dynamic that you know we're we're experienced. And and I'm wondering if anyone else ever felt that way if they're in that situation, that now this is a moment that now you're a responsible person for someone that cared for you throughout the life. So, you know, just think about how that made you feel as well, or how someone that you know is feeling right now. So, you know, this is good. And let's move on to you know, the next, you know, question. What emotions did you experience when you recognized that your your parent needed that care? What emotions did you feel?

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Well, the emotion was it was kind of um like overwhelming at first because it's just trying to understand what the diagnosis is and prepare for it, and how do you handle you know, as far as giving that parent their medication and making sure they're okay? It was overwhelming at first because I wasn't used to seeing my parents in that state.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

So gotcha, gotcha. Did you did you immediately accept it or or did you struggle with that?

SPEAKER_02 5:09

I struggled with it as at first because you know, when you had a challenging relationship with your parent growing up, it's kind of hard to accept when you're an adult. But you know, God prepared me for this. So I I didn't have no choice but to just accept it and and you know, pray about it and get through it at the time.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

That's awesome. And I I would like to know, has anyone ever felt, you know, I'm I'm gonna have to trust in God on this, I'm gonna have to lean onto him, although I'm feeling as if I'm a little bit lost in this situation, because there's not anything in the playbook that says when you get a certain age, your parent is gonna be the reversal of what you used to see. And so, because that's not preparing, and I and I know, like you said, you have to trust in God in that situation and you know, accept, okay, this is this is the circumstances that I'm in, so I'm gonna have to trust you, Lord, even though it's struggle. And and that is okay for you to feel the struggles and feel the anxiety. And so, you know, I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels the same way that you felt the anxiety and immediately struggling with it because this is not a norm. You cannot say this is my normal day of everything else. Ephesians 6, 2 and 3, and what it said, and I reminded them that it said, honor your father and your mother, which means that you know the word tells us that we have to honor our mother-father when it's their birthday. And you say, Hey, I'm gonna make a breakfast for them, or when it's the holidays, and then you're like, I'm going shopping for my mom and my dad, and I'm going to get them a special gift. The thing is, is now that the role reversal has changed, it's not the same emotion that you're getting excited about it so that we can move right along because I was gonna get ready to keep on moving. So uh one thing that I've learned that people often see caregivers smiling, but they don't even see what's happening behind the closed doors. And that smile may just be the cover up so that you don't have to explain to folks over and over again what you're going through. And a lot of times I notice is that, and I don't know if anyone else is like that, so let me know if it's you. You don't want everyone to know everything. So, in a circumstances like that, which is sensitive, it's a sensitive situation to you know open up and share with someone and say, I'm taking care of my mom or I'm taking care of my dad, and you know, you're like hiding behind it, so you're smiling, but in the meantime, it it's breaking you down and everything. So my question is, what were some of the challenges that people couldn't see behind the you know the scenes?

SPEAKER_02 8:23

The challenges, the challenges were as the dementia started progressing, it was more aggressive, like seeing her act out or act a certain kind of way that you're not used to, and you're like, right, I don't understand what's going on with my mom, and it's like you kind of feel bad for them. Yeah, and that was the challenging the challenge is just accepting it, even with the family. It was hard for them to see her in that state, absolutely, and also being around her where she was bedbound, where my mom was always a person that get up and go and drive her car. You can't tell her where she's gonna go, she's gonna go where she wanna go, and then to see her, you know, try to be her same self and realize that she can't do it, you know. That was a lot of the challenges, and you know, with parents, they're not gonna tell you, they're not gonna let you tell them what to do. Absolutely, they're like, I'm preparing you the child. So if you study the box, she'll look at you like uh you're not the boss to be. That was the thing, getting her to understand, and um, you know, just getting her where she needs to be and everything. And I think it was also hard for her to accept, too, seeing that she would be changing in that sense.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Right, you know, the mentally, the physically, the emotionally, you know, situation that's happening. I'm wondering, has anyone else have ever felt that if you are a caregiver, or have you noticed your your friends who are going through that, you know, feel as if, well, things are changing a lot and the challenges, like you said, you're used to your parent getting up and go. Let me get the keys, get in my car, and let me just zoom off. I'm ready to go to wherever the ventures take me. So I absolutely uh understand that. So, were there ever a day that you thought, I don't know if I can keep doing this?

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Yes, there are many times that I felt that way because it got challenging with the aggression, the aggression of dementia, they never tell you that. Like, that person gets like so aggressive to the point that that person will yell at you and you're like, you have to pray about it, and you have to be stern also with them. You're not trying to be mean, right, but to get them to understand, and yeah, the the flips and everything and the yelling, yeah. It made me want to just give up. I had to call on G. I can see that.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Hey, that's that's the person you call on. That's uh that's who you call on in that time of situation, you know. Have you ever, I mean, has anyone ever imagined, you know, this happening to them? Again, you don't in in your life as you're growing up, you do not get a note placed in your mailbox saying, friend, you're next. You're gonna be the caregiver. That doesn't like that. Right, warning is like like Lord, give me a warning. Can you tell me what's coming so I could be prepared for it? But you know, I'm I'm glad that you prayed and you called on Jesus, you know, during that situation, and I'm just you know, wondering if that was you, not you, Fran, but my listeners, if that was you, how would you have it? How would you feel? I just want to know if that was you in that situation, would you be able to do what Fran said? Call on Jesus. That was her source, her strength, because the word says that Jesus is the source and the strength of your life, and so she did just that. So here's a question for you, and thank you. How has caregiving affected your personal life, your work, and your relationship?

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Well, with caregiving, you know you have to have a work-life balance as far as relationships. You couldn't have no relationship because your world revolves around the person that you're caregiving for 24-7 a day. So it's just basically scheduling. It's like you're back on putting that parent on a schedule, kind of like how you have children. You got to put them on a schedule when you feed them, when you change them, and when you, you know, put them to bed and stuff like that. That's how it is with that. But relationship, no.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

It was not relationship. Gotcha. Relationship was zero, you know. Yeah. 100% caregiving every day. Check 365 days. That's it. Gotta get that. I have can't even change it. So when did you feel you're most exhausted or overwhelmed during that time?

SPEAKER_02 13:27

One of the times I felt overwhelmed was when I caught COVID. When I caught COVID and I had to, and my mom was bedridden at that time. So imagine yourself putting on three masks on your face, and you're with the gloves, and you have to, you know, feed her, change her, and everything, because you know, at the time your other parent can't do it by themselves. Now, I was real exhausted because it's hard breathing during that process of COVID. Yes, yes, you can barely breathe. So, you know, I prayed about it and I just stuck to it. That's all I can do because I just felt like, you know, I'm the only one she had to depend on. And I think about myself in that scenario. Because one day I will be that, you know, elderly person that will need help. So that's what that's what really got me through it. Thinking to my thinking about myself. Like, what how would I want someone to treat me?

SPEAKER_01 14:27

Right, right. And that makes sense. It makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 14:33

Yeah. Other than that, that's what I had to always think about. Because some people don't think about that at all. They don't think about, especially with with caregiving for the elderly, they don't think about okay, one day I'm gonna be that elder.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Correct, correct.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Right. Yes. That's why I treat all my elders with respect.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Exactly. You're supposed to do that anyway. I I just wanna commend you for you know the job that you did and how you kept it together, although I'm sure you had, you know, nights of of tears and heartaches. And I think there are women today that are listening today who are saying right now, after hearing what you're saying, that's exactly how I feel. That's exactly the emotions that I'm going through. That's exactly who I see someone else's is is happening to them. So this is something common that is happening, but again, this is a conversation that you're not going to have this everywhere. And I felt as if this was really important, especially as you know, Christian women that we have this conversation. And it's a true conversation. And, you know, I remember when my dad was was sick and he was going through, you know, demon dementia and everything. My brother, and I had to console my brother because he was in a different state and I was in another state. And I can when I listen to my brother, I can hear the frustration in his voice, and I can tell that the way that he talked to my dad, which was normally not the way that he should have talked to my dad, that he was frustrated and he was angry. And so I had to always talk my brother off the ledge because he was at the state of mind like, I can't take this anymore. I'm ready to get get rid of it, I can't do this anymore. He's never been like this before. I had to remind him this is our dad.

unknown 16:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

Our dad that loved you, our dad that changed your diaper, our dad that took you fishing, our dad that supported you and you know, wiped your tears. Remember, he's your dad. He didn't mean for this to happen intentionally, but it did happen. And and while he's here, love on him the best way you can. And that that did happen. That did happen. So I want everyone to get excited about you know, our next area. And we're going to be talking about the strength. And we're gonna talk about because she was overwhelmed, how did she refill her cup? So, you know, stay tuned for that to find out how did Fran refill her cup in the midst of her becoming overwhelmed. So the question is what were some ways that you were able to relax after feeling exhausted?

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Um, some ways were listening to my gospel music. Okay, that really calmed me down through the process. Also, you know, sometimes getting out of the house just to go, you know, what they call diddly daddly.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Get out of the house, or going to the gym, taking walks just to reset your mind. Exactly, and also a journal. I had a journal, I wrote all my feelings in a journal, how I felt the emotions and everything. So that really helped me through it.

SPEAKER_03 18:23

Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

That that's that's real good. You know, I think some of those tips that you just said, the journaling and the listening to your gospel music and taking walks outside, those are good tips. And I want our listeners to know these are some you know steps that you can take to keep some insanity in you or to help you relax. You know, I don't know if relaxing may mean getting in a a tub and with full of bubbles, having soft music and candles around you, and just closing your mind and closing your eyes to what's surrounding you, if that would be helpful. But again, I'm hearing she's talking about she kept the word in her. You know, and that was how she got to overcome some of those exhaustion nights and and days. Great, great answer. What what have been your hardest emotional part of this journey? If you're ready to answer that.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

The hardest part of this journey is towards the end, the letting go part.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

The it's very difficult letting go, because it's like, okay, you come in this earth with a mother and a father. So it's like it feels different when that person's no longer there, and you're like, I would do this again ten times more or a hundred times more just to have that person there. But you have to understand that yes, that's your parent, but she's not for you, she's not your own, she belongs to the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

So, you know, it's still a process, and you know, trying to get over the grieving stages of it and missing her all the time.

SPEAKER_03 20:21

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

But I know that it's hard for us to see our parents suffer on this earth too.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

So that is true, that is true. And it is similar to it is similar to it's hard to see your child suffer.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

You know, and and if you can take some of that hurt and pain away from them, you would do that in a heartbeat. You wouldn't even hesitate. Like, I I I see you're struggling, I see your pain, I see your frustration that you're going through because you used to do things. If I can take an ounce of that away from you so you can have a good day, I I would do it and do it time and time again. Like you said, if you had to do it all over without even thinking of hesitation, you would do it a thousand times over. And I'm hoping that someone hears that and they get encouraged and realize the importance of knowing the value of your parent and the value that you possess as the child, and don't take it on as if it's now a burden on me. It's now a heartache on me, and I don't want to do it, but just say it's just a privilege and honor because God blessed me with for them, and so now I'm just turning back the blessings, you know, towards my parent because we're honoring what the word has to say. Um, Matthew's 11. And 28 says, Come to me, all who are weary and burdened. And that's where you will feel, like if that's you, and you feel as if you're heavied or you're burdened, just think about Matthew 11, 28, because you can give it all to the Lord. You can hand it over to Him and you can rest assured that although you might be weeping in night and may endure through the night, but joy comes in the morning time. And that we serve a Father God that is always available to us. We may not have to have it all, we may not know it all, but just trust and believe that He's gonna be there through thick and thin. He knows your pain, he knows your ache, and He knows that the love that you have in you. A child's love for their parent is uncomparable to anything. When you love your mother, you love your mother unconditionally. And that's how Christ loves us. Christ loves us unconditionally. And if you have that love for your parent, unconditional love, you know, that that moment that they're there and they're struggling and their heartache, you're gonna have to do what needs to be done to stick it out. Um, did you ever have any pushback from anybody that you know that says, I'm gonna help, and then they just were not there?

SPEAKER_02 23:38

All the time. That's another thing that gets you so frustrated because you're like, what happened? You were supposed to help and didn't help. But then again, especially with dealing with siblings, it's hard for them to see their parent in that state. So I can, you know, I guess I can kind of get it at some time, but yes, definitely with trying to get help with for her with the state and everything, it was hard too. Because that was a whole process for them to send the home health aids and everything else. So, right, yeah, it was frustrating, but gotta do what you gotta do, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Gotcha, gotcha, exactly. So, I want everyone to be prepared for our next section, and this is actually the good thing where God meets you, because we've been talking about God, we've been talking about his love, and we've been talking about you know how you leaned on him, but this is where you get to find out where God met you because the podcast is not about how God walks with us in real life, and I don't I love to tell you know, you us tell us about that, but how has your faith carried you through the difficult days?

SPEAKER_02 24:56

Oh now, I'm now going through this, I have experienced faith on a whole nother level. Okay, the the old the the quick prayers what did they say? The quick prayers that we used to have. You know how they say, Oh, you prayed too quick. Oh no, we gotta put it all out there. Oh God, we gotta put it all out there, and not only that, I feel like God prepared me for that. It was things in my past that he put on my path that I didn't understand why, but now I see it future-wise, as to like, and I always, you know, refer to Jeremiah 29, 11, where you know, God has his plans for us already. Like we don't understand what it is, but we just gotta trust him at the end of the day because only he knows. But definitely, my faith has gotten so strong, like getting through this. I'm like, oh lord, you took me through this. I know we can get through anything, it's nothing impossible for you, nothing at all.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

Exactly. So, was that your scripture that became your anchor for that season, Jeremiah?

SPEAKER_02 26:09

Yes, I had to understand God's plans for me and not make no plans for myself.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

So I'm hoping everyone hears that. That she had a scripture which was her anchor during that time. And it it through many a time she had to pull out, you know, that scripture that says, hey, what Jeremiah talked about, and and she knew that he aligns things for you and you're prepared for it. And that is so so wonderful. So it is great because God's word doesn't just comfort us, it strengthens us. I would like to know what type of journey has anyone else gone through that they found out that God not only comforts you, but He strengthened you, and that's what we're looking for. We're looking for because pain often teaches us things success could never do.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

So, um my last question to you how has this experience changed your relationship with God?

SPEAKER_02 27:28

This experience helped to make me it definitely changed my relationship with God because I became more disciplined. That's a big one. I became more patient, and have the patience at first, and also yes, patience as far as waiting on God, waiting on you know, not making certain decisions on my own, always trying to consult with him when it comes to you know anything in my life, as well as um also you know, like the Bible said, you have to always respect your mother and father, it's a true statement in order to be here still, but um definitely it um as far as our relationship, God showed me a lot of things within this process, he revealed a lot of things to me as well, so it definitely took our relationship to another level, a higher level, a better level, like to the point where I'm all the way in and I'm not half-steppish.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

I'm not half-steppish, that's where I'm gonna stay because he cares through it.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

That is so awesome, you know. That this season has taught you about honoring your parents and trusting in God, and it it gave you that sense of being committed all the way, that there's no half-stepping now when it comes to your relationship with God, and I feel everyone should absolutely take that time to grow deeper in the things of the Lord, get more rooted in Christ, stand on his, you know, unchanging hand, allow him to speak through you, speak to you. Don't skip putting in the word, don't skip asking God for help. And you know, friend probably can you know agree with me. It doesn't take a lot for you to to ask God for help. You don't have to have a long prayer. You could just say, Lord, this is this day is stressful. Yeah, I need you, and I I'm sure you know you have gotten to that part where you like Lord, just you take the wheel.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

Yes. Take the wheel, Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

So it's awesome, friend. I just want I want to thank you not only for sharing your story, but for sharing your heart. And I truly believe that there are women listening today who feel seen because of your willingness to be honest. Sometimes caregiving, it carries invisible burdens, things that nobody can't see. And sometimes it shows up every day. They give, they serve, they love, and yet very few people ask, How are you doing? No, is that you today? I want you to know something. God sees every sacrifice that you make. He sees every sleepless night, every doctor's appointment, every tear, every prayer that you whispered in your quiet moment because you're not forgotten. And you're not walking this journey alone. So in today's conversation, I just want to encourage you that if you would like to share this episode with someone who is caring for a parent or a loved one, or if this conversation, you know, hits you in such a way that you are understanding it and you thinking, okay, if I get in that situation, I want to be prepared. Or I know someone that is in that situation, and I want them to be, you know, encouraged. Well, this is to be exactly the time that you encourage them because they need it today. Don't wait till tomorrow, give it to them now. And so that's why I created this community of women who understand life difficulties, seasons, and they want to grow deeper in their faith. And I I would love to invite you to join our rooted circle community. Maybe they've lose lost sight of who God is. So together we're becoming planted in God's word and rooted in his love. And glad that you joined us.