When Being Good Stops Feeling Like You

What if healing isn’t becoming someone new… but remembering who you’ve always been?

Chelsea grew up feeling loved and supported. And yet, somewhere along the way, she learned to stay small, avoid conflict, and earn belonging through being “good.” In this episode, Chelsea shares how motherhood, illness, and deep self-reflection helped her recognize inherited patterns and begin choosing herself differently. 

A conversation about authenticity, reclaiming your voice, and giving the next generation permission to be fully themselves.

This episode is part of the Restoring phase of cycle-breaking.

Support the Podcast

Your support means the world and is deeply appreciated. If this resonates, click follow and leave a review to help spread the message of It Ends With You.

 Disclaimer & Resources

This podcast is intended for personal reflection and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or professional mental health support.

If you are looking for deeper support in the cycle breaking and parenting space, you can explore coaching and resources at www.branchout.life and follow along on Instagram at @branchout.life.

It Ends With You - The journal, for interrupting inherited patterns.
The Healing Roots Circle (Free) - A safe, guided space to navigate the often-lonely terrain of family pattern awareness, boundary-setting, grief, and liberation. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:09

This is It Ends With You, a space for courageous conversations about interrupting inherited patterns, reclaiming your truth, and freeing future generations. I am Patricia and I am so glad to have you here. Hello, hello! Welcome back to another episode of It Ends With You. Today we move into a different kind of phase in the cycle breaking process. On the branch out journal, It Ends With You, the journal. I call this phase the restoring phase. It's what goes after the awareness, after naming, after the courage it takes to let go, to release the inherited patterns that no longer serve us. We arrive here to the restoring phase. Not becoming someone new necessarily, but remembering who you've always been. This phase is quieter, it's less about what you're walking away from and more about what you are returning to. Your needs, your voice, your truth. It is where self-trust begins to rebuild and where we start tending to what was once perhaps unmet. Today I am joined by Chelsea Flagg. She is a mother of three daughters, an author, a writing coach, a singer, and a big believer of staying curious in life to help discover your authentic path. So, Chelsea, before we go into your story, I'm curious. What does it feel like for you these days to be more connected to yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:55

I mean, I feel like it's freeing in so many ways and also um, I don't know, I guess purposeful. Every day feels very purposeful because I'm intentionally choosing how to how to live those days. You know, an example of that would be like I think a piece of of growing up was always seeing my mom busy doing something. And so now into adulthood, like I have moments where I won't let myself just sit down because then I feel lazy or I think I'm gonna, you know, get in trouble for that or whatever. And uh that's a piece that I've been trying to shed is like it's okay to just sit down and just be for 10 minutes, you know, like don't stress about it. So even just in little ways like that, of course, in much bigger ways also, but day to day, um, yeah, just really intentionally making these choices for myself, finally, you know.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yeah. How you said freeing. Oh, I really felt that. I can see it, yeah. Tell us a bit about your story then. Like how were you raised? How did you experience it?

SPEAKER_01 3:06

So when I think back to my childhood, um, and I've worked this through with, you know, all sorts of therapists and and practitioners and everything, I actually had a great childhood. You know, I I when I think back to little Chelsea, she was very happy and loved and had supportive parents and a good house, you know, home situation and everything. Um, so I don't feel like there was much to heal from my childhood self, but as I have grown into adulthood, um I realized, you know, I grew up in a very religious household. And with that, there were a lot of shoulds and should nots and um things that made you good versus things that made you bad. And um I grew up with a mom who was very um uh focused on uh looks and status and talent and that type of thing. Like, and also I was a direct reflection of her. Um, if I did good, it was a good reflection on her. Um, and that message um was clear from early on. And because I did do good and you know, all that type of stuff, then I was in her good graces, and I think that that's where my childhood was peaceful. Um my younger sister was the opposite. She doesn't look like my mom, and she didn't do those things, and she was not in my mom's good graces, and so I also saw that as a child, and I have no doubt that that influenced how I acted and what I did um and who I, you know, have become in my life. And uh yeah, as I've grown up, I notice more and more uh the pieces, or I started to notice more and more, especially in a relationship with my husband. Um, and then as a mom myself, a young mom myself, started to notice the pieces where I was just so easy to fold on anything, right? Where I'm like, okay, okay, I don't want to, you know, like I really have trouble with conflict. Um, and I just feel it in my body. And I was so quick to be like, if it I don't want to cause any ripples, you know, oh, my needs are not important as long as it keeps things peaceful between us and that type of thing. And it started to come out more and more, you know, I started to dive deeper more and more into it to realize that wow, that actually really truly does come from my childhood and where, you know, how I grew up and everything like that. Even though, like I said, my childhood was great, you know. So you wouldn't I I can't point to a singular piece where I'm like, ah, it was so bad. But you start to realize the person that you've become. Um, and of course it makes sense because of where we came from. Um, and so yeah, just working on that um again to free myself from any of those holds and to start to realize wait a minute, I'm I'm more than, or not even more maybe isn't even the right word, but just different than my uh how I grew up. You know, I think that we all just kind of assume that we continue to be who we are. Um, and I see the way that my mom is in relationship with her mom, and even I've had the you know great honor to know even my great-grandma, and you see those relationships, and you see, I mean, you talk about patterns and you see it, you know. I see the way, even still, I'll talk to my mom, and she's just talking about this conversation she just had with her mom, who's still alive, and I and she's like, Can you believe this is the conversation? And meanwhile, we're having the exact same conversation. My gosh, we're like we are we are repeating patterns right now. So um, but then what really um made me start to dive a lot deeper in this was a breast cancer diagnosis. Um, and with that, of course, there's the the medical side of it, but then there's also such, you know, I I chose I've chosen to take a big spiritual approach to it and emotional approach to it. And if you look at anything, it's breast cancer, especially on the left side, is tied to your mom. So um that was an invitation to me. I feel like kind of the universe, you know, being like, okay, you know what, it's time that you really face this. Um, so I I've taken the opportunity over the last several years to just really sink into that. And um yeah, through therapy, through journaling, through um the way that I, you know, try so intentionally to approach my own daughters and uh my relationship to them, and trying not to repeat those patterns and that type of thing. And it it's not easy, you know, it's a daily, it's a daily uh thing, but I get to the end of the day feeling a little bit more authentic to me when I do it. Of course, there are some days where um it doesn't happen, but um yeah, that's the freeing part, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

And yeah, curious if there were times even before the diagnosis that you had the medical diagnosis where you started noticing, okay, hold on here. I'm playing this role that I'm not wanting to play.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um it was an interesting an interesting piece is um, so my sister and I are best friends, and she and I look nothing alike. I look more like my mom, she looks more like my dad. And we grew up um being told by my mom that like I was my mom's mini me, right? And again, I was doing like I she favored me and it was very clear. And um, and so then my sister was like, Oh, she's like my dad, who is a much calmer, um, kind of gentler energy. And it wasn't until both of us got married. So we're both in our 20s, and at some point I said to my husband early on, Well, it's because I'm so much like my mom. And he just looked at me and he's like, Are you kidding me? You're so similar to your dad. Like, it's uncanny. And meanwhile, my sister's having the same conversation with her husband, who's like, I'm sorry to tell you, but you've got a lot of similarities to your mom. And so, very early on in my relationship with my husband, um, I kind of it was the first time that I had heard that. And then I was like, wait, you're actually right. And that alone started to make me think, wow, well, I see the relationship between my mom and my dad. And while they're it they're very loving and they um, you know, have a good relationship with each other. My mom also very much dominates, and my dad, you know, kind of sits back and uh lets things pass over him in order to keep the peace. And so, yeah, absolutely. I started to see that in myself, and I was like, holy cow, I'm doing the same thing in my relationship. And in the beginning, I actually thought that it was a good thing, you know. I was this like straight A student and uh, you know, the uh yeah, just the teacher's pet and everything like that. And so I took a lot of pride in being a perfect wife and not, you know, like accommodating everything and and um yeah, that type of thing. And it started to occur to me that that's not a healthy relationship, you know, nor is it it's not a healthy relationship in a marriage, nor is it a healthy relationship in a parent-child relationship, you know. That's right. Um, yeah. Now, of course, thinking that and realizing that is very different than doing anything about it, you know. So I even when that it occurred to me that that was kind of the case and realizing that that was the reality of it. Um, I mean, it took years. Um, I I feel it continues to, you know, be show up. Yeah. Yeah, just show up in it and to be really mindful. And uh, you know, it's it's it's hard work, but um good, good points, very hard work for sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

It's not we wish that it was there was this button we could push, right? And say, okay, I noticed this, so now it's gonna be different, but it's not. Um how how would you name the pattern in particular that you were going through, that you were all of a sudden seeing you play a big role in it or a particular role, and what was the the role that you played? You started alluding to it a little bit of the good girl, right? The good wife.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Yeah, I think if I if I had to put one word to it, it would be compliance, probably. Yeah. Um that's at least the word that comes to mind right now, where it it was uh yeah, it was just that. It was this compliance of doing what I needed to do in order to not cause a stir. Um yeah, but there's also other patterns too. And now, you know, I have three daughters, and now that they're in their teenage years, I am so this is this one is actually much easier for me. You know, I think some of these patterns are more subtle and some are easier, but like I said, my mom was is continues to be very focused on physical appearance and um, you know, what she eats and how she looks and and how that trickles down to all of us. I mean, my sister and I both, you know, struggled with different levels of eating disorders and that type of thing. And so that's one thing with my three daughters that I am so clear on, you know. And I mean, I still, you know, as an adult, like I I'm still healing from that myself, um, these pieces, but I will never say anything to my daughters that is hurtful to my body or to their body or anything I put in my body, you know, or if I happen to be like on a on a cleanse or something, I will never say, Oh, it's I need to lose some weight or anything, you know. So that one, that pattern has been easy for me. Beautiful my daughters hear it, but um, yeah, others are very subtle.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

And I happen to know your daughters, and they surely have that grounded confidence in themselves and their bodies, I can tell. Absolutely. You've definitely uh it ended with you, that pattern for sure. Um, so okay, so you you've you've noticed the role of compliant, right? You've talked about that. And what can you can you pinpoint the moment when you said, I am doing something about this? What what was the what was the cost of not doing something about it?

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Oh, that's a good question. I think the cost of not doing something about it, um, I mean, it presented itself as a cancer in my body. Quite literally. It was that I think that was really, even though I had inklings before that like this isn't working for me. Um, but this visual of all of these things I'd been neglecting, all of these needs of myself I've been neglecting, um, or just building up inside of me, you know. And then uh, of course, at some point that damn's gonna break. And um, and it did, and it was a wake-up call. Uh, and I was like, you know, no more. Like I'm ready to, I'm, I'm ready to stand up for who I am, and also to to yeah, lean into getting curious with that, because of course, when we're I mean, these are these can be daunting things to do because we know ourselves as we've been, and in relationship to how our past relationships have been. And so to all of a sudden say, like, but wait, who am I actually? And how is this relationship? How will this relationship look if I'm actually authentic to myself? And that's in any relationship, you know, especially maybe the hardest or with our own families of origin, right? Exactly. Yeah, so it's it's a brave step for sure, but I in some ways feel fortunate that um mine presented itself in a physical manner that then I couldn't, at least in my mind, I couldn't ignore it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

It reminds me of the book from Dr. Gabor Mate, uh, when the body says no. It's like um if we suppress or try to ignore or detach from our authenticity, eventually that kind of shows up somehow, and our body has a way to tell us, like if the body will actually say no. In this case, I mean, it's yeah, as you're talking, it made me think of that book. And what did you begin to notice about your needs that maybe you hadn't allowed yourself to see before?

SPEAKER_01 16:48

I think the interesting thing in it, um, well, I guess a couple of things. The first one was that I I need to take up way more space than I had been letting myself take up, you know, where I had spent the better part of my life trying to be small and trying to fit in. And even, you know, like I mentioned from a physical point of view, right? Where I'm like, oh, but I need to be, you know, little and I need to be this type of thing, but also in my in my personality and in yeah, just don't cause a stir, right? Like just be just be small, be be quiet, and everything will be okay. And I remember one especially tearful therapy session that I had where it just came like so strong to me, where it was like, I am not small, like I am, I am so big, you know, and I need to be so big and um take up space. And, you know, I actually this therapy session then led to multiple others that ultimately has led to a tattoo representing just that piece of it, where it's like, no, I I'm here to be big and bold and beautiful, and now you know, I I sing the lead in a rock band and you know get to express my voice in a big way and um feel big on a stage and stuff. And that that's so authentically me in a way that I hadn't let myself, and it's not even like anyone told me not to do that, but I I just you know, you you pick up on the nuances of different things and kind of fold yourself into these places. Um, but that was a big one. And I remember especially in that specific therapy session of and the therapist was even like, you are huge, like you, yeah, you know, like was this word, you know, that came where it's like you're you're beyond this world full of energy, you know, like don't whole creative, capable, resourceful, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

And can you that shifted the way that I live my life, you know, like it not even just day to day, but big picture where I'm like, no, I I take up, you know, I'm gonna take up the space because I deserve to and I need to. It's not even a like, oh I want to, it's a need, you know, where I'm like, no, I need to be big.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Yeah. So can you identify, you know, what you wanted or needed as a child that you did not get? Was it around this particular expansive, like you needed to play small? What was there something your younger self didn't receive that you were now that you are now leaning to give yourself? Is it tied to this particular thing that you were just talking about?

SPEAKER_01 19:57

I think my younger self was always in the shadow of my mom.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

And not that that was a bad thing. I was very proud to be my mother's daughter. And she is an amazing person and does a lot of amazing things. Um but on her stage, there's only room for one person, you know. Um so even coming into adulthood, I felt that, you know, where it was yeah, this you always kind of take, you know, play second fiddle to my mom. And that was a big moment of um yeah, choosing not to. Um even though I knew it could cause some stir and it continues to at points, you know. I I mean she still is extremely supportive of me, but you can see the moments where there's, you know, a little bit of tension there. But um, I just yeah, I'm unapologetic in it now in a way that I used to be extremely apologetic about it, you know, where it's almost I would limit myself in order to not take the main stage, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Yeah, not rock the boat. You kind of said that. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. How you know, because this must feel uncomfortable at times, especially when you're steering, right? The boat, or what's the feeling that comes up for you when you are brave enough and courageous enough to take up space, to take the front stage, uh, especially with your mom in this particular case.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Yeah, I mean, I feel alive, you know. I feel just I feel whole. Um, and it's not a singular emotion, it's like all the emotions at once, you know. And I think that that's the ultimate. Um, I don't know, that's the ultimate. So when I can. When I can be there, that's what it feels like. Um, and I get and I can get there. The hardest place to get there is as it relates to my mom. Absolutely. Even still, you know, I could I I think I could do everything possible, and I could be the most successful, awesome, amazing person in the world, and I would still feel that way, you know. Yeah. Was on a phone call with my mom. Um, but it is, I I do piece by piece um feel myself kind of continue to chisel way, chisel away at that um, I don't know, that caution around my mom. You know, piece by piece I I show up in conversations um, yeah, more unapologetic with her. And um little by little, I mean, I think I really in a way envy the people who who feel it and do it all at once, you know, where it's like, okay, I'm making this change and I'm doing that. And mine's definitely been a slower drizzle, but um, but it's happening.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

So it's happening. That's exactly right. And what has been the response for those people around you, as especially dear ones, loved ones, as you have taken steps towards more authenticity, more taking more space? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Um, I feel very grateful in having an amazing support system around me. Um, both in, you know, my husband and my daughters and my close friends and my family. Um I yeah, I it's almost in a lot of ways they saw it before I did, you know. So then when I showed up in this way that was this monumental thing for me, they're kind of like, well, yeah, duh, you know. That is um, but I feel really fortunate in that. I, you know, I know how blessed I am to have that um in my world. Um and that doesn't it's interesting because even with that, you start to realize how much it's you that's you, I am my own blockage, you know, where even with you know a super supportive husband who is essentially like, like, come on, let's like bring me the issues, like don't keep them in. Like, I want, I want to see what's bugging you, like tell me. And it's so hard for me to do, even though he's inviting me into conflict with him, you know, in of course a loving way. But for me, I'm like, you know, like it's really sticky for me. So I noticed that too, where I'm like, wow, this is really deep set in me, even with you know, this amazing um space around me, encouraging me to be my full authentic self, and it's really stuck deep.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Aperture, yeah. I'm hearing there's apertures, and that's I call that heavenly when you're able to be yourself and in relationship, then that's heavenly. I think that's beautiful. Um, and how do you recognize today, Chelsea, when your emotional tank is getting low, when you're kind of falling back into this old patterns?

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Um I feel sleepy and lethargic for sure. I know that's a big one for me where I just stop um, yeah, just stop taking being actionable, you know, like in these moments. It's not a laziness, it's just a lethargy. Um, I definitely get passive aggressive. I know this to be true about myself. Um, and I'm getting better at checking myself on that, you know, like if I and I've also invited my husband and my kids to like catch you know, like call me out on it. Um, because I d I did that's absolutely what happens um when I start clamming up again. Then it's like, yeah, but these emotions still need to go somewhere. And so then I just get I don't get snarky or anything, but I just start, you know, slamming the pots down extra hard or something or saying snug comments. Um so yeah, it just starts building up inside of me again, and uh yeah, and I have you know different releases, of course, singing and exercise and kind of physical releases um to help clear it out again, but getting back centered into my body and into my voice, um, yeah, it's very helpful.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

Yeah, that your level, I'm struck by your level of awareness there, right? Like you know exactly how that feels, how that shows up, how you show up in those instances. Yeah, it's come over time for sure. Uh-huh. What would you say has contributed the most to that level of awareness for you now?

SPEAKER_01 27:14

I think it's the people around me. Maybe my because I've I feel I've been um quite open in this journey with at least my very close people, you know. I mean, I do hold it quite close, but my inner circle um has been part of this journey with me. And I think in that, even if they're not calling me out on it, I maybe it's all internal for me where I'm like, oh, they notice that I'm, you know, maybe pulling back or whatever. Um, but I think that that's been huge. It's that it's the even if it's not a reflection from them, it's me thinking that it's a reflection from them, you know. Yeah. Which um, yeah, maybe that's I don't know. I can get quite internal with things, period. So I probably internalize it a lot more than it actually exists. But hey, it works.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

So yeah, and you're just highlighting such an important piece uh that has been lost in a very connected world right now, but we're so disconnected from that inner circle, that inner support that um you're saying you're close ones, you've relied heavily on them, and they have been a support, a rock for you, whether that's a reflection or um them giving you the feedback that you need in the right moment, or you reflecting on it on your own. Yeah, that's that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

Um yeah. Now there's plenty of things that I still cannot bring myself to do, and one of them is, you know, I've had just recently um an energy worker and I guess a therapist in a way, um, encouraged me to, you know, I do a lot of writing and journaling, and she encouraged me to write a couple of letters to my mother, you know, to my mother. Yeah. And the first one was a letter of gratitude, which that one's easy for me. I could do that in my sleep. Um, but then the second one is, you know, the hard truth and the the pieces where I feel she she really did a disservice on me or was a disservice on me. Um, and I haven't, I I can't bring myself to do that. So yeah, I feel even there's a lot of grace that needs to happen, you know, on I think these journeys um to discovering ourselves and stopping patterns is it's not black and white. It's absolutely not black and white, you know. So even in these moments um where you maybe feel like you're taking these big strides, then there are pieces that um still aren't happening, and I think that's okay, you know. I think that we need to give ourselves grace in that where it's like, no, you know, this is not even just back a generation, this is back multiple generations, and this is so deep. And it's you know, my mother's mother's mother's mother, whatever is inside of me, and I'm dealing with her shit, you know.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

Yes, the and the wisdom at the same time, right? And the strength and the yeah, and it's it's amazing how both things I feel can coexist. The gratitude is there, and the compassion for what they had to endure, and at the same time, um witness being able to witness your experience for what it was and name in it and and not ignore it, not not dismiss it, right?

SPEAKER_01 30:54

But yeah, yeah, yeah, the diet, the the duality of it, you're right, because one of the one of the people in my closest circle is my mom, you know. So exactly, yeah, she's supporting me while I'm also you know continuing to try and um dissolve pieces of our relationship at the same time, and it's yeah, it's both confusing. Yeah, and it and it's also beautiful because it's so human, you know, where it's like, well, of course, this is this is how it is, it's not straightforward.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

Yeah. And what are some of the things that you're doing or putting in place uh in that relationship to protect or um preserve or ensure that you continue to be authentic?

SPEAKER_01 31:46

Yeah. Well, a big one I can share an example was last year, and you were here for this. Um, was so my mom is also a singer, and uh growing up, I again I mean, quite literally, she was on the main stage, you know. That's true. And uh it took me a very long time to kind of step into that piece of myself because of my mom. Like there was only room for that. And now I do, you know, head head up my own band. And last year she uh happened to come into town. Um, and I invited her up on my stage to sing with me. Um but I had the main mic, you know, and yes. That was actually even though it was a very literal thing, but it was so symbolic um to me in that moment to be like, wow, okay, this can here it is, you know, like and I invited her, and I was like, you can sing back up to me, you know, like that was which maybe all this sounds silly and petty to you know, people who don't have my same, of course, experience, but this for me was huge, you know. Amazing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

Yeah, it was amazing to be on the receiving end of it, watching you play sing in a band, and then your mom come uh on the second mic.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

That was yeah, and then the and then to continue it further, then I invited my daughters and the main part, you know. So it I it felt like this um yeah, very special moment of like passing down I mean the mic, literally.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

Yeah, so I'm hearing you being a choice and empowered to choose when and how that looked like for you. Yes. I'm hearing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Yeah, and just I think separating myself enough from my mom now that um, and and I think really, you know, being in charge of the narration of it, where maybe teaching her in a way that she didn't grow up with, that we can both exist in this big way. Um, I know she grew up, uh, you know, she was the middle of three daughters and grew up feeling very compared to her her sisters, and like there wasn't space for her in that, in the same bigness or boldness. And so I see where it comes from, you know, where she and also just a generation of women that I think had to be competitive with each other because there was only one, you know, one secretary job and one this. And I mean, how sad to grow up where you actually had this, you know, had to have this mentality of like, well, she can't be better than me because then I don't get, you know, whatever it is. Um, so I do kind of feel like uh it's also a teaching moment, you know, that I get to have with my mom of being like, look, we both get to exist in this space and we both get to be big and bold, and and it's awesome, you know.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

That's beautiful. And I I hear that that is possible only because you chose not to ignore yourself and you you had the mic in the first place because you went to band, you had that you know expression of yours happening already, you were true to yourself, so you you recognize the where she's coming from, and at the same time, you were able to show up yourself, and then yeah, both things could happen. Yeah, yeah. Wow. And if your inner child had a voice in your life today, what would they want you to know?

SPEAKER_01 35:54

Yeah, this is and this goes back to my what I said before, where because I've had therapists ask me this, and it's a hard one for me to answer because my childhood self was very happy, you know. She was very happy where she was, and it was working for her. I think if she were to come to be now with something to say, it would, yeah, maybe it would just be gosh, I don't even know. Be just be yourself. It sounds so simple, but be yourself, whatever that is in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 36:34

So simple, not necessarily so easy for many of us, right? Yeah, um, especially because as children we trade our authenticity for attachment, right? And when authenticity threatens attachment, then attachment trumps authenticity at all times. It's like uh uh this thing that we have, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Yeah, yeah, that's true for me.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

Yeah, so restoring is not loud, it it is in the small moments, in the small steps, like you've been talking about it here, Chelsea. Uh when we pause instead of pushing, when we choose to expand freely, uh when we say no without having to explain unapologetically, like you're talking about here, um when you offer yourself the kindness you have been waiting for, or the space that you've been waiting for. So, and over time those moments become a new way of being, basically. So, Chelsea, if this work continues, what ends with you? And how will the next generation feel the difference?

SPEAKER_01 37:51

I am hopeful and very intentional in um not placing judgment on my daughters um and not trying to direct um what is quote right or good or you know, the right way to be, the right way to act, the right way to um show up in conversations or you know, that type of thing. I ever since they were little, I've I really truly have felt, and this was I on kind of more subconscious for me, but I feel like they are so wise. Um and who are we to tell them what they you know what they should be? Like, yeah, so that's a big one for me. And I feel that coming from my own upbringing, especially a very religious upbringing of the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and the goods and the bads and the don't do this but do this, and you know, that type of thing is I just I want that to end with me, you know. I want my daughters to feel as big as they want to be and need to be, and um, and know that I'm in their corner 100%, you know. Like I want that, I want that for them. Or little, maybe they want, maybe they need to be little, and that's also okay, you know. It's like I want them to show up as them.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

Oh, wouldn't we all want this level of support? That's amazing, Chelsea. These are beautiful parting words. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, loved having you. Thanks a lot. Until the next one. Until the next one. Before we close, there are a few things from Chelsea's story that I would love to leave with you. The first thing that struck me was something actually quite subtle, and it was how articulate Chelsea was when she was speaking about her mother, the amount of grace, the compassion, the understanding. She could explain where her mother came from, what shaped her, the pressures her mother carried growing up, and the kind of love that she received. But when I asked Chelsea what her inner child would say to her today, there was a pause. And later she shared something similar that writing a letter of gratitude to her mother came quite easily. But when it came to writing that second letter about what she wished she had received that she didn't, that felt much harder. And I know Chelsea is not alone in this. I see this often with clients, and this is why I'm bringing it up here today. We become incredibly compassionate towards our parents' limitation while becoming completely disconnected from our own experiences inside of them. We explain, we protect, we defend, but when it comes to our own pain, our own hurt, suddenly we lose words, we don't want to go there. So being curious on your behalf, I cannot help but ask what is happening inside of us that makes it easier to hold compassion for others than for ourselves. My parents loved me and there were things I needed or that I wish I had that I did not receive. Both can be true. And healing often begins the moment we actually stop making ourselves wrong for having unmet needs. The second thing that stood out to me was how Chelsea described her childhood. Happy, loving, supportive, and I believe her. This is exactly how I speak about my own childhood as well. And yet somewhere she became her mother's shadow. Not because anyone asks her to, but because children are brilliant at adapting. They learn quickly, since very early. Who do I need to become to stay connected to belong? How much space is it safe for me to take here? What version of me receives approval and acceptance? And over time, that adaptation can start to feel like this is who we are, actually. And until one day, life invites us to pause and notice, okay, this is something is feeling off here. Or in the case of Chelsea, that invitation came through a major life event. And this is when she began asking, What do I want? Who am I beneath all of this? And what parts of me have been waiting here? And look at her now. She's singing, she's writing, creating, leading. Something she did not mention is that she actually has three books that she's written. Two of them are best sellers in the United States, books for children. And she's out there expressing herself, not becoming someone new, but becoming more fully herself, living life to the fullest. So my invitation for you today is this if you notice yourself saying yes when your body means no, or if you're feeling like you're shrinking, accommodating, or staying quiet, can you get curious like Chelsea did? What are you protecting by not naming? Ask yourself what would become possible if you give yourself permission to tell the honest truth. Because restoring is really about building that relationship with yourself that maybe never existed, that maybe you never had or allowed. One where your needs actually matter, where your limits are respected, where your emotions are welcome, that it's okay for you to feel all the feelings. And slowly I guarantee you that this will become your new normal. And if the work continues, the knowing parts of you will get restored. And this is where those people around you and the next generation will actually notice and feel the difference. That's my invitation for you today. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much for listening to It Ends With You. If you enjoyed today's conversation, do please consider subscribing, leaving a review, or sharing it with someone you love. It truly helps this message reach the people who need it most. I should note that this podcast is for reflection and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or professional mental health support. If you're looking for deeper support in the cycle breaking and parenting space, you can explore coaching and resources at branchout.life. It Ends With You is created by Branch Out Coaching and produced by Rob Gregorson. Until next time, and remember, when you choose differently, the cycle begins to end.