The Hidden Family Pattern That Keeps Us Stuck

Have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of someone else's conflict? Or perhaps you've reached out to someone else before having the difficult conversation you knew you needed to have?

In this short solo episode, I explore the often-overlooked family dynamic of triangulation. What it is, why so many of us unconsciously fall into it, and how it quietly keeps relationships stuck. I share why I believe we often seek relief instead of resolution, why direct conversations can feel so difficult, and how choosing curiosity over alliances can become a powerful act of healing.

Whether this pattern shows up in your family, your friendships, or your workplace, my hope is that this episode invites you to notice it with compassion, name it, and begin choosing a different way.

This conversation is part of the Naming phase of the cycle-breaking journey, where we begin to recognize inherited patterns so we can stop carrying them unconsciously and start creating healthier ones instead.

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 Disclaimer & Resources

This podcast is intended for personal reflection and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or professional mental health support.

If you are looking for deeper support in the cycle breaking and parenting space, you can explore coaching and resources at www.branchout.life and follow along on Instagram at @branchout.life.

It Ends With You - The journal, for interrupting inherited patterns.
The Healing Roots Circle (Free) - A safe, guided space to navigate the often-lonely terrain of family pattern awareness, boundary-setting, grief, and liberation. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:09

This is It Ends With You, a space for courageous conversations about interrupting inherited patterns, reclaiming your truth and freeing future generations. I am Patricia and I am so glad to have you here. Hello, hello, and welcome back to It Ends With You. Today's episode is a little different in that it's just you and me today. This conversation was inspired by my recent episode with Hazel. During our conversation, she briefly mentioned something that I immediately knew deserved an episode of its own. She only touched on it for a moment, but I found myself thinking about it long after we finished recording. The pattern is called triangulation. It's often one of the most common dynamics I see, I see in my sessions, not only within families, but also in friendships, workplaces, schools. Yet somehow we rarely talk about it. So today I simply want to invite you to become curious, not judgmental, just curious. Because awareness is where every cycle begins to change, and we need to remain curious for awareness to kick in. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of someone else's conflict? Or maybe your mother calls to tell you everything your sibling did wrong, or maybe your sister vents about your father instead of speaking directly to him. Maybe you're the one everyone turns to because you are the calm one, the wise one, or the peacemaker. Or perhaps you found yourself calling someone else before having that difficult conversation you know you need to have. If any of that sounds familiar, you're certainly not alone. This is triangulation. Triangulation is what happens when two people stop communicating directly with each other and instead they bring in a third person into the relationship. Instead of talking to the person, we talk about the person. And here's what makes it so difficult to recognize. Most of the time, it doesn't look malicious. It often sounds like I just need to vent, or I'm only telling you because I trust you, or you're the only person I talk about this, I talk with about this. I'm worried about them, or I just wanted your opinion. Sometimes it even sounds like love. Sometimes it sounds like concern. I'm very concerned for her or for him. Sometimes it sounds like loyalty, but slowly, without realizing it, something begins to happen, and that is that the conversation is no longer creating understanding. It is actually creating a narrative. And because the third person only hears one side of the story, they naturally begin making sense of it from that perspective. Not because they're trying to take sides, but because that's all the information they have. And before we know it, people begin choosing positions instead of creating connections, especially if they know each other. Now, here's something that's really important. I don't believe most people triangulate because they're trying to manipulate others. I think most people triangulate because they're perhaps trying to regulate themselves. They are overwhelmed, they're hurt in a moment that is important to them in their lives, or they're very angry, they're ashamed, they're confused, they don't know what to do with those emotions. So instead of sitting with the discomfort, they look for someone else to carry it. We unconsciously look for agreement because agreement feels relieving. We look for allies, it helps us feel validated, it's natural, right? It counts our nervous system. But relief isn't the same as resolution, and that's the hidden cost. Triangulation often delays the very conversation that needs to happen. Instead of bringing the people closer, it quietly creates more distance. Parents become caught between siblings, children become mediators between parents, friends become referees, co-workers become messengers. Someone always ends up carrying emotional responsibilities that were never theirs to carry. Hazel shared that this had become her role inside of her family. I highly encourage you to listen to that conversation. She was often the person everyone called the fixer, the mediator, the one expected to help everyone else make sense of their conflicts. And while that role can feel meaningful, it can also become incredibly heavy. Because while you're carrying everyone else's emotional world, then who's helping you carry yours? Like in the case of Hazel, she has five children of her own. And she has a lot, she's already making lots of decisions in her household, lots to carry, lots to be responsible for, and playing that role outside of her life, uh, in other for her family of origin as an example, that um that is a heavy load to carry. So sometimes the most loving thing we can say is things like, I love you, and I really think this conversation belongs between the two of you. That is not rejection, that is respect. That is trusting that people are more capable than we often give them credit for. It is allowing them the opportunity to repair, to misunderstand, to clarify, to grow, because that's where the relationships become stronger. Definitely not by talking around each other, but by talking to each other. Now, I know this isn't always easy, in fact, it is incredibly difficult, it's complex, it's not simple. Direct conversations asks something of us. They ask us to sit with discomfort, to tolerate uncertainty, to stay present with our emotions instead of trying to escape them. They ask us to be humble enough to recognize that maybe we don't have the whole story. They ask us to listen, not simply to respond, but to genuinely understand another person's experience. And that can be tough, especially when we're hurting. It asks us to be humble and recognize I'm feeling XYZ, I'm feeling sad right now, and being able to acknowledge that and share it. They ask us to separate who we are from the mistakes we've made, because making a mistake doesn't make you a failure. Being misunderstood doesn't make you unworthy. And having conflict doesn't mean the relationship is over. Sometimes it simply means there is something important asking to be seen, to strengthen that relationship. And when we choose to face that directly, we give ourselves the opportunity to build something more honest, more real, and more authentic in our relationship. That is such a gift to have the ability to repair in our toolbox rather than extending or delaying conversations by bringing in others who were never meant to carry them. And if we don't yet know how to have this conversation, that's okay. Let's recognize it. Many of us inherited avoidance. We inherited silence, we inherited people pleasing, or we inherited keeping the peace at all costs or the image of togetherness. None of that makes us broken. It simply means you've inherited a pattern and that pattern can change. That's the good news. Sometimes that means reaching out for support, reading books, working with a professional coach, seeing a therapist. I've had several clients sit in front of me wanting clarity for that difficult conversation because they care so much. Learning new ways of communicating, not because something is wrong with you, but because perhaps no one taught you this earlier. And so before we finish today, I'd love to leave you with a few questions. I told you, let's be curious. Where does triangulation show up in your life? Are you often the messenger, the rescuer? Or are you the person everyone calls? Or are you the on the receiving end, the one people are talking about behind your back, which can be incredibly painful? Or perhaps you are the one who reaches for someone else before speaking directly to the person involved. What emotion are you hoping someone else will help you carry? And what might become possible if instead of looking for an ally, you become curious about what's happening inside of you first. Because every time we choose courage over comfort, every time we choose direct, compassionate, complex conversations over recruiting someone to our side, we interrupt an inherited pattern. And that's how cycles begin to end. I cannot stress that enough. This conversation belongs to the naming phase of the cycle breaking journey. In the it ends with you, the journal. I break this journey into seven phases, and naming is where we begin to gently bring awareness to the patterns we've inherited. So we can finally start to understand them rather than carry them unconsciously. And triangulation is a very common family dynamic. Because once we can name a pattern, we stop believing that we are the problem. We begin to see the system instead, and once we can see it, we can choose something different. Thank you so much for being here with me today and for listening all the way to this point. If this episode resonated with you, I genuinely love to hear your story. Send me a message, tell me what came up for you. And if you're navigating something similar and would like support, I'm here for that too. And if you know someone who might benefit from hearing this conversation, please share this episode with them. Because every conversation like this helps us become just a little bit more aware. And remember, the cycle doesn't end because someone else changes. It begins to end the moment one person chooses a different way. Thank you so much for listening to It Ends With You. If you enjoyed today's conversation, do please consider subscribing, leaving a review, or sharing it with someone you love. It truly helps this message reach the people who need it most. I should note that this podcast is for reflection and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or professional mental health support. If you're looking for deeper support in the psycho breaking and pirating space, you can explore coaching and resources at Branch Out of Life. It ends with you. It's created by Branch Out Coaching and produced by Rob Regerson. Until next time. And remember, when you choose differently, the cycle.