Dr. Joseph Howell and Lori Miller-Price speak with Dr. Renee Harmon, who is part of the scholar program at the ICB. Renee talks about her book, Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer's: Principles of Caregiving That Kept Me Upright, about her experience caring for her husband with Alzheimer’s. She discusses what she learned about herself during this journey and how it was further informed by studying the spirituality of the Enneagram.
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Email us: therealenneagram@gmail.com
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Dr. Joseph Howell and Lori Miller-Price speak with Dr. Renee Harmon, who is part of the scholar program at the ICB. Renee talks about her book, Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer's: Principles of Caregiving That Kept Me Upright, about her experience caring for her husband with Alzheimer’s. She discusses what she learned about herself during this journey and how it was further informed by studying the spirituality of the Enneagram.
Connect with us:
Email us: therealenneagram@gmail.com
Follow us on Instagram: @therealenneagram
Visit The Institute for Conscious Being: theicb.org
[00:01] Intro: You're listening to the Real Enneagram podcast, a Spiritual Quest, brought to you by the Institute for Conscious Being.
[00:11] Lori: Welcome to The Real Enneagram.
[00:14] Joe: A Spiritual Quest.
[00:16] Lori: I'm Lori Miller-Price, part of the adjunct faculty for the ICB, the Institute for Conscious Being. And I'm here today with Dr. Joe Howell, the founder and director of the ICB. And I'm excited to say that Joe and I are joined today by Dr. Renee Harmon. Renee is part of the scholar program with the ICB, and she's already become a good friend to Joe and me and to many others. Welcome, Renee. It's good to have you here.
[00:47] Renee: Thank you. Really glad to be here.
[00:50] Lori: And good to see you too, Joe.
[00:52] Joe: Thank you. I'm happy to see you this week, Lori, and thanks for coming on, Renee.
[00:58] Renee: Sure. This is great.
[01:00] Lori: Well listeners, in addition to being a retired doctor, Renee is also an author. After her husband's death from early onset Alzheimer's, Renee wrote the book entitled, "Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer's: Principles of Caregiving That Kept Me Upright."
Renee, we would love to have you talk a little bit about your book, and then I think everybody would find it really interesting to hear how the things that you learned about yourself during your journey with your husband's Alzheimer's, how those things that you learned have been informed further by your study of the spirituality of the Enneagram.
[01:46] Lori: My memory is that you didn't start studying the spirituality of the Enneagram until after your husband had passed away. Is that right?
[01:54] Renee: That's correct. I had done a little bit, maybe toward the end. And I learned about the Enneagram very early on in his illness but I don't have the time or bandwidth to do much with it at the time.
[02:07] Lori: Yeah. So tell us a little bit about the book first. How that came to be.
[02:13] Renee: Yeah, I'll tell you a little bit about the story, because the book is basically a memoir. But Harvey and I were in practice together. We were both family medicine physicians. And we established Double Oak Family Medicine in the Birmingham area in 1992. So I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. And the goal was for us to be co-parents and co-workers and co-owners of our medical practice. The way the practice operated is one of us would be at the office seeing patients and the other of us would be home with the baby. And then we had a second daughter three years later, and so we would alternate days at the office and days at home.
And as the practice grew, the girls were growing so the practice could support both of us being at the office until it was time for carpool. And one of us could leave and pick up the girls and tote them around. So the ultimate goal was for Harvey and I to both be full-time when the youngest was 16. But it was on a big family vacation to Costa Rica when Harvey was 50 years old. We were both 50 years old that I had that first jolt of figured that something was just not right with his cognitive abilities. And it took nine months, which is actually a very short period of time compared to most people's stories with this disease.
[03:39] Lori: Right. Your great plan.
[03:39] Renee: So nine months after Costa Rica, Harvey was diagnosed with younger onset Alzheimer's disease at age 50. Younger onset Alzheimer's disease is just like older onset Alzheimer's disease. It looks exactly the same. It's just onset happens very young, and we don't know why. So at that instant, when he was diagnosed, he was told that he should no longer practice. And that was effective immediately because of the liability. So yeah, really impacted him.
Yeah, our great plan. And at that instant, my life obviously was greatly impacted too, so I became a full time solo practitioner and a primary parent to two teenage daughters. They were 14 and 17 at the time, and CEO and CFO of the office and at home, as well as care partner to Harvey. So he was able to say stay home alone for about four years. And when it became apparent that he didn't know how to structure his days.
He didn't know what to do with himself. He would greet me when I came home from work by saying Oh, thank goodness you're here. He did not know what to do. So I was able to hire two caregivers to be with him, and I enrolled him in respite care. And that worked well for two years until his care was just too difficult for me and the caregivers.
He was young. He was vital and strong and healthy. And it was just really physically impossible for the three of us to care for him. So, he was placed in a memory care facility, and he was in three different memory cares and had five different Geriatric Psychiatry stays over the ensuing two years. So he passed away in October 2018, after living with it for eight years.
And pretty soon after he passed away, I realized I had journals. I started journaling. I had journaled off and on beforehand, but I started journaling early on in his illness as a way for me to express my emotional state. I had all this fear and anxiety and anger and sadness. And I couldn't talk about it with the person I was closest to. Because he was going through so much worse than I was, and he didn't want to talk about it at all. So I did talk to some friends and family, but mostly I just poured out everything I was going through in those journals.
And then it became a place where I could just chronicle what was going on with him. And that was helpful seeing physicians. And like I said, when he passed away, I had six full journals. And that was the basis of the book. So the book is a memoir of our time together with Alzheimer's disease.
And I've structured it, I call it a teaching memoir. Because as a physician, you know, a big part of my job was teaching, but I've structured the memoir around best caregiving principles. Each chapter is titled a caregiving principle, illustrated by story, and then that principle is explained a little bit more. And then there are practices at the end of each chapter that the reader might want to do just to solidify that particular caregiving principle. So that's kind of...
[07:24] Lori: Yeah, that's great. And how long ago did you write the book?
[07:32] Renee: So it was published in 2020, so a little more than two years. In that right in the middle of COVID. But I've been speaking a lot since then, mainly to groups of caregivers.
[07:45] Lori: Yeah. And then it was right, shortly after that, that you found out about the Institute of Conscious Being, wasn't it?
[07:55] Renee: Yeah. Through all of that, my great friend Nan Hornsby was being wooed into the world of ICB. And she was telling me about it, and I was learning a little bit from her. And yes, after Harvey passed away, after I'd written the book, it was kind of finally time to bring some awareness to myself and some spiritual growth that had been on the back burner.
[08:25] Lori: Really, I do want to just say what an amazing thing that is that shortly after he passed away, that you were able to put together all of your journals and thoughts into a book and get it published. And that's quite an accomplishment after what you have been through.
[08:45] Renee: Yeah, while I was practicing medicine. I think it was a project. It was a grand project that could take my mind off of what I had been living with. And, you know, thankfully, it was a good project. But it was very helpful for me to have that to do.
[09:06] Lori: Yeah.
[09:07] Joe: When you were in Costa Rica, what was the thing that you noticed with Harvey, that the cognition was not typical?
[09:20] Renee: Yeah, good question. We had a guide who would tell us every day what we were going to be doing, and Harvey just could not remember what the guide was telling us and would just asked me repeatedly. Now what time is breakfast? What am I supposed to be wearing today? Because I don't remember what activity we're doing. Should I pack up my suitcase? Are we moving to a different location? It was just really odd.
And the last day there, I - not gonna say confronted - but I presented you know, Harvey, I've noticed this and he agreed that he felt off. Things weren't right. And he reminded me that he had been complaining of his memory for the last couple of years. And I had just been chalking it up to middle-aged memory loss, you know. So it was like, oh, but there were two big events during Costa Rica that really caught my attention.
One, we were ziplining, and he forgot to empty out his pockets of his wallet and his keys and his prescription sunglasses, like the guide had told us. And another day, we were making our way back from dinner, and it was pitch black. We were going from the dining hall back to our little cabin, and our 17-year-old daughter ran ahead of us. And I asked Harvey to go with her so that she could find the cabin. Well, she was fine, but Harvey got lost. And like 45 minutes later, the resort staff found him wandering the property and brought him back on some golf cart. So that was a big one.
[11:00] Joe: Oh, yeah. That was.
[11:02] Lori: Yeah.
[11:03] Renee: And oftentimes, if you take someone out of their routine, out of their environment, it just they can't manage, and that's what happened with Harvey at that time.
[11:14] Joe: Right. The routine had hidden it.
[11:17] Renee: Yes.
[11:18] Joe: Yes. Yes. So what ego type are you, Renee?
[11:26] Renee: I claim to be a One. I'm not 100% sure about that. When I test, I'm kind of all over the place - One, Three, and Five - but just working through ICB, with ICB, I think it's One. So when I was... and that impacted me when I was faced with this diagnosis and all that I had to do is Boy, I knew I needed to get it right, and do everything right, because it was going to be really, really hard.
And the only way to get through it was to do everything just right. There was a lot of Eight energy in that too, I think the way I was approaching it, and I was gonna do it all by myself, because that's who I am. I wasn't going to ask for help, and I would research and figure out best practices. But I quickly learned that I couldn't do it alone. And I couldn't do it perfectly. It's just impossible.
[12:23] Joe: It's very interesting, Renee, that you brought up that you identify with Three and Five as well, because in my recent readings of some of the newer writings that have been published from Oscar Ichazo, who you know was given and wrote, taught the Enneagram of Personality, that he is of the mind that we do have our ego type.
But there is another type in the other two centers that we identify with very strongly. And that the combination of those three that give us the flavor for our our ego type, which is the flagship as it were of who we are. So I was glad to hear that from you.
[13:20] Renee: No, that's helpful, because I could not figure out the relationships between those three types.
[13:26] Lori: Well, and those three numbers that you said, I was also thinking are in... our three represents three different stances. So the One is in the dependent, relational stance to people. the Three is aggressive toward people and the Five was withdrawn.
So the stance is sometimes help people narrow down more for sure what number they would be. I mean, from what I know of you, the One makes sense as far as that goes to the stances. But it's interesting that you test it out on one of each of those too.
[14:08] Renee: Yeah. You know, I think most physicians are kind of natural, have to be perfectionists and achievers. I mean, that's just goes with the territory. And you have to be a researcher, and you have to love knowledge.
[14:21] Lori: You got to be on your A game when you show up to work. Yeah. Well, what have you learned? Like, you know, since coming to the, I mean, I don't even know what it would have been like if you had been in the Enneagram process in the middle of all that.
I mean, well, for one thing, you wouldn't have been able to get away probably to come be with us, but to have the gift afterwards to reflect back. And to be learning what you know, you know, how has the spirituality of the Enneagram helped you to do that reflecting back? Looking at the journey you went through. The gifts, the struggles, you know?
[15:05] Renee: Yeah. So actually, several things have come to mind, as I've reflected on my time with Harvey, as well as and ICB. So I think... I write a blog, and that really helps me. Obviously I like to write. So it helps me kind of form my thoughts. That I wrote a blog that, because I finally had this breakthrough, that there were things about this disease that were a gift to Harvey.
I could not see that in the middle of it. I would get so angry when people would quote the Scripture at me that said, "All things work together for my good." I didn't see any good whatsoever. But later on reflection, Harvey was only able to live in the moment. He could not reflect and reminisce, and he could not plan for the future. He could only live in the moment. And that is a gift. I think that is a gift. And I learned to live in the moment with him. I still had to plan, and I like to reminisce, but when I was with him, I could only be in the moment.
And the other thing that was beautiful for Harvey was, because he could only be in the moment, he could only be himself at that particular stage of the disease. He had no ego, eventually. He dropped that ego. And he was the little child that he was. I didn't know Harvey when he was a boy, but I kind of do now.
[16:47] Lori: Wow.
[16:48] Renee: Because I could... we would play with him. I had to drop my ego and my perception of his ego in order to relate to him and enter his world and interact with him and play with him where he was. And that's one of the founding principles that I talked about in the book is enter their world. And it's just so difficult to let go of who they were and recognize who they are now and honor that and be with them. And I got to play.
We batted balloons. We danced. I'll tell you a story, our great friend Kate, who you guys know, husband came to visit us over Christmas and we went to the zoo. It was very, very, very cold. It was over Christmas holidays, Christmas break. And it was so cold. We ducked into the gift shop and Kate bought Harvey a giraffe hat. And she bought herself a bear hat.
Now, you guys don't know Harvey Harmon but never, never in his life, would he have worn a giraffe hat around the zoo. But we had the best time just being children at the zoo. We rode the train. We ate corn and drank hot chocolate and wore our giraffe hats. And it was just so much fun to let go of the egos. Now what I know what I did.
[18:21] Lori: Yeah. How do you think you knew to do that? I mean, lots of people don't do that. They don't enter that world and play with people.
[18:31] Renee: It was really hard. I think I did it and can see from the examples of others. This was the time when Harvey was in respite care. Respite Care is usually done at places of worship. And it's run by just a very few paid employees and mostly trained volunteers. And they sit around the table and play games and eat. And if you walk in, you cannot tell the difference between who's the participant and who are the volunteers.
To just interact with Harvey's so easily, and I learned from watching them and the caregivers, and I realized those people did not know him from before. Right? They only knew him as he was at the moment and it was easier for them. But I learned from them by watching them and bring that back. So it wasn't easy, and it wasn't me. It was just me opening my eyes.
[19:33] Lori: But what an amazing connection now with what you've learned about the soul child from the Enneagram. To realize like that, that makes my heart touched deeply to think that you got to see your husband's soul child in that pure of a way. That in the mist surrounded by all that incredible grief, you know, not to minimize at all, how horrible that would have been. But then for that, but then for that to... That's amazing.
[20:15] Renee: So yes, I love this language that I've learned through ICB of the soul child and then realizing that's who Harvey was at that particular time. There's old videos of Harvey as a child of him dancing around and the things that he never did as an adult.
[20:36] Lori: Do you have an idea what number you think he was?
[20:39] Renee: He was a Five. He was very introverted and very much a student observer.
[20:45] Joe: And his soul child was Eight.
[20:49] Renee: Eight. Yes, yeah, I see that as quiet leadership. And I have some other people that I love, who I believe are quiet leaders. And these quiet Eights who people just are gravitated to, just follow them. And Harvey was like that in Scouts. He wasn't a loud Eight, he just... Yeah.
[21:12] Lori: Yeah. Commanded the room quietly.
[21:16] Renee: Absolutely. I also learned that, so as a One, I have a Two wing, and that really shows a lot in being a physician. But to let other people care for me was really difficult. And I learned to accept help when offered. I was not very good at asking for help through all of that, but I did learn to accept help when offered, because I couldn't do it all by myself. For sure.
[21:48] Lori: Yeah, I'm a number Two. So I understand exactly what you're talking about. It's... yeah. It's hard to take the help.
[21:58] Renee: Exactly. When you feel like it's your responsibility to look after everything, everyone. And another aspect that I've come to realize through my studies with ICB is my own soul child is that Seven. And I just instinctively knew while I was going through this, that I had to hang on to the parts of me that are the things that brought me joy. I could not, I could not neglect that. And I fought really hard and made some creative decisions to continue to do the things that brought me joy. And I realized what I was doing now.
So examples, I played the piano, and I particularly like New Age music. It's just nice and relaxing, but Harvey does not like that at all. So I bought a '70s songbook, and I would play and we would sing Billy Joel and Elton John, and all of that. And so I could still play the piano and we could be together.
I had an art studio in my basement. And I didn't want to come home from work after being gone all day and just go back down in the basement and create whatever it was I was working on. Until I discovered Zentangle which is a small art form that I could do on my lap and still have conversation or watch television and be with Harvey. So it was a way to continue to be creative in that way. And not squirrel myself away from him even longer.
I taught myself how to crochet and knit by watching YouTube videos. I'm not very good, but it was just something to do while we sat. So I always encourage people that I talked to, to if there is something that brings you joy that you love, figure out a way to adapt that, so you can continue to do it.
[24:03] Joe: Renee, I heard that there were some questions you wanted to bring up today.
[24:08] Renee: Well, it's all based around this idea of shot point and when you are faced with something traumatic, like this, or and you know, people have shot points all the time. What is the personality type's response? So that was the first question I ever asked years ago.
I was in a small group. There's just four seekers. And the other three kind of knew a little bit more than I did and they had invited this woman to come talk to us for a day. And I think maybe I thought I was a One, but I really didn't know much about it.
And my first question to her was, so how is knowing my personality type going to help me or going to inform how I deal with my husband's illness? And I don't remember her answer, but that would be one question I would have asked you. Joe, what is my personality type going to do?
[25:09] Joe: Well, that's a question I asked myself often, Renee, and I love that you brought it up. First of all, some of our audience may not know what a shot point is, but that is a circumstance in our life that completely throws us off balance, and all of our presuppositions about what life is, and the control that we think we have over life, it explodes. And all of the pieces are up in the air. And it may be a while before they all fall down again.
Certainly Harvey's illness was a shock point for you. And I've had shot points in my life, because that's a human experience. The Enneagram views the shot point as a time when our ego no longer is working for us. That's why it shocks us, because the way we operate is usually out of our head, and our heart, and our body, as the ego writes the story of our lives. And we just go along with that story. And things kind of fall into place. And we plan according to that story. We reflect on that story. We seemed very satisfied with that story. But when somebody throws a grenade into that story, we search for another something to another way.
And what happens in the shock point is that many people go to their stress point. Last week, or on the last podcast, Lori and I talked about stress points or the point of disintegration. A lot of people do that as a way to cope. The problem with going to our stress point is that ultimately it doesn't work. For example, I'm a Six. My stress point is Three.
Whenever I'm in a shocked point, and if I tried to accomplish a lot, that is going to my Three. that accomplishment does not help me at all with what my concerns are. It in fact, exhausts me and frustrates me. For you, if you're a One, your stress point would be going to the downside of Four, which is very depressive, hopeless, wringing your hands. Every day is a terrible sandwich, and I've got to eat it and take a bite out of it every day.
[28:28] Renee: That sounds familiar.
[28:29] Joe: Yeah, but, and you probably went there at first. But as is the case, when we all have shot points, we hit bottom when we realize our ego doesn't work. And it is the opportunity for us to enter our soul, which really is at the point of our integration, which for you would be your soul at Seven, which is where your soul child is.
And so you ultimately bounce back from the despair of the unhealthy Four into the wonder and joy of your soul child in order to deal with that shock point. And that's a beautiful thing. A lot of people do not do that. They stay at the bitterness or the anxiety, or the shame or fear or anger or guilt of their stress point. But if they hang in there, the soul will arise. And that's your story to me today as a story of your soul arising.
[29:49] Renee: I think so too. And I think a part of the story too, you know, I'm 62 years old. I've lived a life. I've learned you know, what... I haven't lived in my ego all the time. I've learned healthy ways of living. I didn't know what to call it at the time, but I knew what I needed to do to stay healthy and honor that.
[30:17] Joe: Yes, some people say I knew this, I knew this. Well yeah, healthy people tend to be conscious and listen to the still small voice. You don't have to know the Enneagram to know that. The Enneagram simply reflects the truth of being. And that's why it makes such sense. Because it's truth. It's not its own system of truth.
[30:48] Lori: It's a good thing to bring up though, because I think a lot of people think that, that folks that are studying the Enneagram are trying to say that, you know, the only way for you to move toward the spiritual health and growth is to learn about the Enneagram.
As opposed to, of course, people are already doing that, but what a great way to be able to articulate what it is that's happening and to have language to put to what's happening and to understand it, and to have a place to grow from with it.
[31:27] Renee: Absolutely.
[31:28] Lori: And that's what it sounds like you did. You knew all about this, you just didn't know that you knew all about it.
[31:35] Renee: There you go. And I wonder now on this side, if I had known the Enneagram, I wonder if it would have been any easier? I don't know.
[31:47] Joe: Well, maybe if you had the benefit of the language. And you know, this isn't an extra thing, but the benefit of a community like ICB that speaks the same language, you may have felt more support.
[32:05] Renee: Yeah, just like you said, it feels good to be able to have a common language and name things that gives you a sense of control when you can name things or to a degree, you know.
[32:15] Lori: Well, and one of the things that you both know, whenever we gather with other folks in the ICB, the conversations, you don't have to give all this background information to somebody to explain what you're talking about. You can start at a different level, because folks know about the Enneagram as opposed to talking to someone who doesn't.
It's just a real comfort to have a community where you can start, where you can start talking about soul child, and have folks that understand what you're talking about. Yeah, that's great. Well, Renee, thank you so much for being with us today. This has been...
[33:01] Joe: Thank you, Renee.
[33:03] Renee: You're welcome. It was really nice.
[33:07] Lori: And Joe, it's always good to be with you. And also, just I always love hearing the way you make more sense and meaning out of stories that people share. It's just always so meaningful to hear that. You always come with something that we wouldn't have thought about if you hadn't helped us to see it.
[33:32] Joe: Well, it was because Renee came today.
[33:34] Lori: That's right. Yeah.
[33:37] Joe: What a story really.
[33:39] Renee: Oh.
[33:40] Lori: Yeah.
[33:40] Joe: What a story.
[33:42] Renee: Thank you for giving me permission to tell my story and to reflect on it in this setting. And with this language, these words, so I really appreciate it.
[33:54] Lori: Thank you. And to our listeners, thank you for listening today. We hope that you're interested in learning more. You can learn more about us at theicb.org, theinstituteforconsciousbeing.org. And you can also find us on Facebook. And of course, we hope that you'll keep listening to our podcasts, The Real Enneagram each week as well.
We hope that you heard something today that sinks just a little bit deeper into your heart and your mind and your soul. And we hope you'll join us again soon. Good to be with you, Renee and Joe. Take good care.
[34:31] Joe: Thank you so much. Thank you, Lori.
[34:37] Outro: That wraps up another episode of The Real Enneagram, brought to you by the Institute for Conscious Being. If you're interested in furthering these conversations, please reach out to us through our Instagram at @therealenneagram, or if you're interested in our upcoming trainings or other resources, please visit our website, www.instituteforconsciousbeing.org. Thanks for listening.