Living in Lavender

dear diary, I'm gay...

Jonathon & Shannon Season 1 Episode 4

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0:00 | 1:05:35
SPEAKER_00

Welcome to Living in the Lapender Controversial from the Pond.

SPEAKER_02

What was my heart of it, baby?

SPEAKER_00

Do you smell the toast?

SPEAKER_02

You make the schedule.

SPEAKER_00

Don't be fucking rude. Happy Friday. Welcome back to Living in Lavender. Made it through another week.

SPEAKER_02

Hey, and happy Memorial Day weekend to all of our fellow Cape Cotters.

SPEAKER_00

And all the Brads and Chads coming to the Cape for the weekend.

SPEAKER_02

Crossing that fucking rainbow bridge.

SPEAKER_00

Straight to P Town. Straight to Peat Town. Speaking of Baby Dyke Weekend.

SPEAKER_02

It is a happy baby dike weekend to those that celebrate.

SPEAKER_00

To the season.

SPEAKER_02

I've never attended. It's kind of a dream of mine.

SPEAKER_00

Honestly, you're missing out. That was well.

SPEAKER_02

To preface, uh P Town, Provincetown, Massachusetts, is um gay USA, if you will.

SPEAKER_00

Just the tip.

SPEAKER_02

Just the tip of the arm of Cape Cod. And um it is, you know, in the summertime, especially starting Memorial Day weekend, there are themed weekends.

SPEAKER_00

So Baby Dike weekend, there's the kickoff to the season. Yep. And then you have Bear Week, Family Week, Pride.

SPEAKER_02

Pride. They have Carnival, which is at the end of summer.

SPEAKER_00

Um my god, I like don't even remember.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

There's another like Fantasia. I feel I feel like that used to be.

SPEAKER_02

Sorry? What is it called?

SPEAKER_00

Scratch that. Maybe, maybe I'm just making shit up in my head.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_00

Or maybe, oh, you know what? No, I think that is a thing. I think it was called that, but I'm also Is it not PC anymore? Do you remember the show True Blood? Did you ever watch that? I never watched it. Oh, so good. Is it good?

SPEAKER_02

Maybe we should be able to do that. We should watch that. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. That's such a good show. Okay. But that is one of the bars in that show. They call it Fanctasia.

SPEAKER_02

Fanctasia.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And is that is that because it's that that's not a bar in P Town. No, but I thought it was. I, you know, it's been a while since I've lived in P Town. I've lost my way. You know, once you're married, you don't really stay in touch with those things anymore. Gotcha. So I don't I could have sworn that was a a theme. Maybe that was just one year. Yeah. Maybe True Blood was really hot that year. They did that as a weekend. Could be. I I can't recall. There's um gotta fact check that.

SPEAKER_02

There's also um oh, what is it? Um Portuguese Festival.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yes.

SPEAKER_02

Blessing of the Fleet. Yes, just there's a bunch of things going on pretty much every weekend from now until Labor Day, basically. Um, in P Town. And so the kickoff is Baby Dyke Weekend.

SPEAKER_00

And if you don't know what a baby dike is, it is a young butch lesbian, usually enjoys softball, hair pulled back, and or possibly a snapback.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe some Jordans. Some Jordans, some baggy shorts, and uh a sports bra.

SPEAKER_00

If you've ever attended Baby Dike weekend with me, you have probably seen me um bent over grinding on said baby dyke. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

What the hell? I hate that we've never experienced I hate that I've never experienced it as an individual, but the fact that we aren't experiencing it together is really something it was something that I did for a long time with um Deja.

SPEAKER_00

Just gonna say it. So Deja and I would like kickstart our season, go to P Town, and just like party for the weekend, had a great time. It always seems to rain. I I don't know why. Maybe just to like cleanse the soul, yeah, cleanse the soul, get it ready for the season, cleanse the soul, cleanse the sand, but yeah, we used to do that every year, had a blast, they know how to party. Yeah, but a great time, okay. No drama, love that, like which you wouldn't think I mean the these uh twanks are drama, okay. Yeah, so the baby dicks, we love them, they're fun, no drama. Where was like what bars were your spots? Oh, underground, always always, always. We love the underground. Yes. Oh my god, so many stories there. I actually have a photo. I feel like this is a common theme for us lately. Um, I do have a photo. I will dig into the archive for this photo, but I am um plastered. Plastered, dripping in sweat. Love that. But the lighting, the the sweat on the face, the glow. Glistening. It is yeah. It's giving vampire.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, true blood.

SPEAKER_00

True blood, Edward Cullen, oh she sparkles Bella. Um in my Ralph Lauren, like white and navy pinstripe button down. I have on navy like capris.

SPEAKER_02

Not the capri.

SPEAKER_00

And some like slip-on like boat shoes.

SPEAKER_02

No.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, she was.

SPEAKER_02

So you went to Baby Dyke weekend dressed as a Chad.

SPEAKER_00

And I found a um Brad, aka Amanda. And I had a gay old time. So that was a tradition that um has since been left behind. But I feel like we need to dust that off and revisit.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. And I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_00

I'm here. The weekend has just started. We have plenty of time to do that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. The weekend is young.

SPEAKER_00

That surprises me that you've never attended Baby Dike weekend.

SPEAKER_02

Why does that surprise you?

SPEAKER_00

Because you liked to open up and share to us that you are bisexual.

SPEAKER_02

Hey, so I didn't open up and divulge into the fact that I may or may not be bisexual. I did say I was bicurious.

SPEAKER_00

I don't remember the word curious being followed by it.

SPEAKER_02

Uh roll the fucking tapes. Because I said it curious. Roll the footage.

SPEAKER_00

Can't wait to prove him wrong. Maybe maybe you said curious, but I I think it's definitely just bisexual.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know about all that.

SPEAKER_00

I mean if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

SPEAKER_02

Are you saying that I walk and quack like a duck?

SPEAKER_00

No. It's just an analogy.

SPEAKER_02

Obviously.

SPEAKER_00

Do I walk given some stories that you have shared? If it walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck. It's usually a duck. Oh no. There's no there's no arguing this. I just if you listened to last week's episode, you would get that reference. Listen.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe. Maybe.

SPEAKER_00

But I don't I think maybe what? I'm curious. Clarify clarified for the people now. Set the record straight.

SPEAKER_02

I just don't think that I've had enough experience with the same sex to know.

SPEAKER_00

Bring in the lesbians.

SPEAKER_02

Which is why I feel like a baby dike weekend would be like just the thing. Um however, I am in currently in a long-term heterosexual relationship.

SPEAKER_00

So boring. I had a friend who was bisexual.

SPEAKER_02

Was or is?

SPEAKER_00

I guess well. I guess is bisexual, but as of recently has stuck strictly to men. Okay. But I always enjoyed her more when she was a lesbian.

SPEAKER_02

Fair.

SPEAKER_00

Just because men and lesbians just women. But yeah, I've always like enjoyed the lesbians. Like we have a great time. We vibe.

SPEAKER_01

That's odd.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Maybe that's why you and I get along. Just kidding. She's bi curious.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

She's speechless.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Well, I mean, I I don't know. I've also like, I don't really I've I'm really like only friends with gay men.

SPEAKER_00

I've never really like did you hear my previous statement? Me and the lesbians just click.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna take this.

SPEAKER_00

Is it all connecting now? Is our it was blank for a moment and then the face lit up. I think it's connecting. I'm gonna take this to therapy and return back. I love that. We could revisit next week.

SPEAKER_02

I'll put a yeah, put a pen in that. I'm gonna put a pin in this and we'll we'll come back to it.

SPEAKER_00

She's gonna go home and journal real hard tonight. She's gonna be like, it's all making sense why I felt so lost. Your diary. Your diary, I'm gay. That's it. Comes running out of the room. Mom! Oh my no. She's the last mom would have a heart attack. No, I don't think she'd have a heart attack.

SPEAKER_02

The first thing out of her mouth would be, Mom Sean, not my daughter. No, she wouldn't have a heart attack. She loves the gays. I also like she I've asked her before. I'm like, what would you say?

SPEAKER_00

What would you say if I was a lesbian? Quink wink.

SPEAKER_02

Like hypothetically speaking, she was like, I love all of my children.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, she does.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe a little too much. No, she was a good one. But she absolutely would be like, because every relationship I've ever had, she's loved the boyfriend more than she loves me, and that's just a fact. And um she wouldn't think that goes for all. You think so?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I feel like I see that a lot. Like my grandmother, like adores the ground that Matthew walks on. Like he could do no wrong. I beg to differ, but I'm kidding. Just kidding. But no, I feel like that's a common thing. Yeah. For the parent to like always love the spouse. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And my yeah. If I were to be like mom, I'm I've d I've decided to start dating women.

SPEAKER_01

She would be like, and what's Sean supposed to do? What about Sean?

SPEAKER_00

He's now Sean Athena. His name is now Shauna. Oh my god. No.

SPEAKER_02

Um, never. That would never happen.

SPEAKER_00

Sean would like have a connection if he heard this. Yeah, probably. Would not be going for this.

SPEAKER_02

No. But um, anyway. All of this to say, baby dike weekend needs to be experienced by me and maybe dust it off the shelf for you.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um gonna dust off the booty shorts and some like high tops.

SPEAKER_02

It sounds like you're dusting off the fucking boat shoes.

SPEAKER_00

I can't even dust them off. I don't have them. Gotta go buy them. Or maybe Brad and Chad will let me borrow them.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god, Amanda?

SPEAKER_00

And is that two?

SPEAKER_02

It's me, Jessica.

SPEAKER_01

It's me, Jessica. Oh god. Yikes. Anywho. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Happy Friday. I wanted to bring up to like shift the conversation to salon for a brief moment. I know nobody likes that. Um, I had a phone call yesterday with a girl who sounded no older than probably 17. Okay. She says to me, she goes, I'm wondering how much it would be for um a color. That's it. And I said, Okay, um, well, like a root color. And she goes, well, no. Like all over, like, I want to be honey honey blonde. Now, this is a trend happening right now. People want like the Jennifer Aniston, the fucking um, what's her name? Carolyn Bassett. Yeah, uh, there's another one. Um the hell is her name? Latina. Um, you used her in an example today.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, uh yes. Uh yeah. Uh Jessica. Jessica Alba. Yes, I have a story for that.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, Jessica Alba. People are going for this like 90s honey blonde thing right now. I get it. It's beautiful, it's a beautiful color. Okay. Let's just relax for a minute because this girl asks me, right? For the colour, and so I was like, well, for a collar and a blow dry, it's 120. This is me just assuming that this girl is already blonde. Okay. She goes, Well, that's actually really like that's good. Like, okay, blah blah blah. And then she was like, um, okay, but what if I wanted like highlights? And I was like, Well, okay, hang on. So I'm like, what color is your hair now? She goes, Jet black.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm. She goes, I've only been using like um, you know, jet black to cover with uh um, you know, box color for like the last three months. And then like me and my friends, we use like sun in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite always. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So she was like, well, naturally, I'm like a real, like, I'm like a like my hair's like black, but it has like brown like highlights in it.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm like aka sun in.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I'm like, okay, so you squeezed lemon juice in your hair for the last fucking 12 years of your life. Got it. Um, so I'm like, okay, baby. So you're looking at a full foil, which starts at fucking like $200. And she goes, Well, um you just said $120. And I'm like, no.

SPEAKER_00

That's for a permanent color difference.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I'm thinking it's fucking roots. Like, I'm thinking whatever. She was like, um, and she was like, what do you mean by starting at? Like what would add on to it? And I'm like, well, girl, because your hair is, and mind you, I'm not a fucking hairdresser. Okay. I'm not a fucking hairdresser. I just have fucking common sense. Because your hair is black, you're naturally gonna lift warm. Okay, which is good for your honey blonde, I suppose. You're going on the warmer blonde side. However, you're gonna lift orange, all right? And so therefore, they're gonna need to either fucking double fucking process you, fucking double foils, okay, double bleach, bleach wash, maybe, and then fucking tone your ass. So that's extra bowl of foil.

SPEAKER_00

I'll give you that, honey. Thank you. So therefore, give you a princess.

SPEAKER_02

That's that's a full foil, yeah, okay. That's a fucking extra bowl of fucking color, and that's a toner. Then your hair's gonna be fucking crispy on the bottoms, so they're gonna have to fucking trim you. So there's a cut right there.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I could hear the crankle, crankle.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, girl, your hair's gonna look like lemon noodles. All right. So therefore, chicken and shrimp. I like beef. Oh man. Yeah. Um, so therefore, you're looking at over $300 service right there. She was flabbergasted.

SPEAKER_00

This was like because no one has respect for the hair industry pricing across the board. Across the board. They are dumbfounded by the pricing and try to argue it, but yet they will go next door, get a full set of acrylics, dip designs, gel pedicure, and spend $200 on their nails and not bat an eyelash. Yeah, or go across the street and get their fucking quad caramel macchiato fucking $10 later on a coffee, and they don't bat an eyelash about that. Like, but when you say anything about the hair, which by the way, is like talent, chemistry, all of the same experience.

SPEAKER_02

Hey, also fucking product that has to be shipped to us. Fucking gotta pay the fucking people that make the fucking product. Like, it is all this this economy.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, you wanna use the Wi-Fi? Gotta pay to have that girl.

SPEAKER_02

You want us to rinse your fucking bleach out? Gotta pay the water bill, bitch. Want us to fucking dry you with the fucking towel.

SPEAKER_00

Gotta wash the towel, bitch. Gotta buy the towel, bitch.

SPEAKER_02

Like, it's just this economy sucks right now. Everybody knows that. That's not a secret. Therefore, it's a domino effect.

SPEAKER_00

Like, if you can't afford it, just stay home. I don't I I get it. I I get it. Times are tough.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But don't sit here and argue. Because I'm not going into the grocery store and reaching into the milk department to um say, hey, last week when I bought my oat milk, it was $4. And this week it's now $5.25. But you know, that also blows my mind. We had that today, too. Oh my god. The fact that you could even notice a $5 increase just from last summer. Blows my mind. Blows my mind. She had it written down.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, I she had it written down in her ballot.

SPEAKER_00

I don't uh need to itemize for a seat. Girl, five dollars. Please.

SPEAKER_02

As you drive away and you're yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yep. Sit down. Sit down. Yeah. Take a seat. Take a seat.

SPEAKER_02

But but and then and then they're gonna come in, have the service done. Then they're gonna be told by their hairdresser, the professional, hey, just so you know, because you're not naturally this fucking color, this is gonna be upkeep. So therefore you're coming in every six to eight weeks for a partial foil, if not more. Yeah. And then eat then they're pissed. Yep. Yep.

SPEAKER_00

Mm. Back to the Jessica Elba of it all.

SPEAKER_04

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00

So funny that you brought up that name because that is literally the name that was dropped today. Like, stylus takes the client. So we're doing a full foil today. I can hear the whole consultation. And the client is like, yeah, um, you know, I want to do like this honey blonde, you know, like it's all over TikTok right now, the Jessica Alba. I don't really know how to like describe it, but it's like the Jessica Alba. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02

What color did she come in with? Highlights have been around forever.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Just call it a full foil bell. Some of us have them naturally, and some of us don't. We do not need to be calling it by a celebrity name. No, it's like the Jessica Alba. It's like all over TikTok. I don't really know how to describe what do you mean? What do you mean you don't know how to describe it? You just did.

SPEAKER_02

How about you just show me a picture?

SPEAKER_00

You described it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

And also just show me a picture.

SPEAKER_00

I just I can't. So extra. So extra.

SPEAKER_02

What did she come in with for like what was her not like she was like a medium brown? Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So basic we just want a um full foil with a um golden toner.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you. Thank you for telling me how to do my job. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Did she leave with the Jessica Alba?

SPEAKER_00

I think she left with the Jessica Alba.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Whatever. Good for you. You're gonna come in and fucking find it over to call. No, I guarantee you this is the conversation. She's gonna come, she's gonna call.

SPEAKER_00

Oh honey, sh you know they they don't call mom calls, please. Right.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. She's like, it looks like nothing was even done.

SPEAKER_00

Well, she's like, it already faded. That's called talent. It's natural looking. You're welcome. I'm dead. Sorry, we're not out here butchering hair and making it look botched.

SPEAKER_02

Well, it's that, but they're also like, well, I mean, like, it looks like it why did it fade? Or like, why is it not lasting? Oh, because your hair is fucking brown.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And your root is growing out. I don't know, girl. You're using fucking well doo-doo water and and fucking Dollar Tree shampoo and conditioner, and you wonder why it's not lasting. I don't know. Let me check with the creator.

SPEAKER_02

Um, and you know, I never had this issue before. Ever since coming to you guys, I'm not saying it's the girl that did it, but like my hair is just super dry.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Babe, because we bleached the fucking pigment out of your fucking shit.

SPEAKER_00

Ever heard of blowing open the follicle. Because that is what bleach does, babe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Have you ever heard of conditioner? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Money math. You should get her.

SPEAKER_02

Ever heard of Moroccan oil? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like. And not the shit that you're buying a fucking TJ back from the fucking clearance section. I use Argan oil. Oh, sure. You do. It shows. Not to worry. Although not gonna hate on drugstore right now because I got this tresseme. Let these bitches know because we love a good dupe, honey. We love a good dupe. Is she duping? It's definitely giving Orbe ask like the packaging. Yes. Don't be fucking rude. Don't be coming for the drugstore, honey.

SPEAKER_02

I'm not I listen, I use drugstore and we come up and down.

SPEAKER_00

A drugstore dupe that we love. But I have to say, we're a week into using her.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

She's great. Do we have build up? Honey, do you see she's got movement, she's got body. No, I'm really enjoying her. She smells good. The price was great. The price was right. Packaging is nice. She's very sleek and very Orbe-esque, you know, like that black and gold bottle. She's nice. Okay, trying to do that. I'm enjoying her. Alright. Yeah. Work. Yeah. How do I need to hit Alta? I need something new. I do too. Some crumb for my face.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I'm feeling a little crusty.

SPEAKER_00

Oh. Did you all hear that?

SPEAKER_02

Did you hear? Did you?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I'm not hearing it now. You must have dusted the particles off. That sounded like sandpaper.

SPEAKER_01

That does it feels like sandpaper. Whoa.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god. I'm so excited. I know somewhere upstairs I got a sample of Chanel cream or something.

SPEAKER_02

Keep that shit away from me.

SPEAKER_00

Oh. You're a hater.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not a hater.

SPEAKER_00

It's so good. The camellia extract. Don't. Don't do it. Don't ick my um, okay? Don't. I love it. Don't ruin it for me. I know it's probably giving me cancer along with everything else in this world.

SPEAKER_02

I won't say a word.

SPEAKER_00

It's the 5G.

SPEAKER_02

You should have seen this bitch during COVID. Fucking honestly.

SPEAKER_03

When was the last time you seen birds?

SPEAKER_00

I was just gonna say to you, when was the last time you saw a fucking bird? When was the last time you saw a bird? I need to know. I need to know. Because Matt, my darling husband, I said to him, I really want a bird feeder to put on the window. You know, the ones that like lay flat flush to the window so you can see. Uh-huh. I was like, I really want one of those. He didn't buy the correct one, but that's another story.

SPEAKER_01

Um this pouring man.

SPEAKER_00

I wanted the actual, you know, like the house that you can't see from the out. He bought this like clear like trough.

SPEAKER_02

What the fuck is the difference? It's the bird's gonna fucking come up to it anyway.

SPEAKER_00

No, you wanna know why? Why? Because it fucking attracted squirrels and then they ripped my screen to shreds because they were fighting to get to the seed. Oh my god. So it is a big fucking difference. Okay, you asshole. Anyways, where was I going? Oh, so back to the bird feeder. Put the bird feeder on the window, and spoiler alert, it attracted nothing but squirrels because there's no birds. There's no birds. They've killed the birds.

SPEAKER_01

I hear them.

SPEAKER_00

That's China.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, here we fucking go.

SPEAKER_00

That's China. I probably shouldn't even say that because they're probably tapping into this network now. I'm just kidding. I'm really not crazy like that. I know some people don't do it. Don't do it. I know some people that are fucking tapped like that. I can give you their number and you can really fuck with them. But I want to know when was the last time you saw the birds.

SPEAKER_02

There's a colonial woman on the way to the plane.

SPEAKER_00

What tell me.

SPEAKER_02

I was in fucking, I forgot to tell you about this. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, she's keeping shit from me.

SPEAKER_02

Uh last weekend.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I'm at none other than Dunkin' Motherfucking Donuts. The one that's closest to my house, the closest drive-thru. You know the one.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I know the one, yes.

SPEAKER_02

In that same parking lot is a Burger King.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

There's somebody in which I thought was out of business a couple weeks ago because it is looking concerning. It was so funny though, because section eight, nine, and ten, board of health.

SPEAKER_02

You know what's hilarious though?

SPEAKER_00

Is like I thought it was condemned.

SPEAKER_02

You were like, is that thing even still open? And I was like, I was already there before I saw you this morning. I know.

SPEAKER_00

Because I was like, you didn't tell me it closed, and you were like, it didn't. And I was like, no, it definitely did. And you were like, I ate breakfast there this morning. And I was like, we need to get you tested. That's a biohazard. That's concerning.

SPEAKER_02

I'm probably their only customer.

SPEAKER_00

Like the the roof of the outside where the jungle gym used to be was like a whatever fucking packet plate, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Where basically kids went to go swing around because their parents didn't want to deal with them. It got fucking like viruses. Yeah. That roof was like caved and there was no lights on. The grass was overgrown.

SPEAKER_01

That's looked like that for some time.

SPEAKER_00

Because last time I drove by that, it did not look like that. The last time I got a whopper, she looked alive. I can promise you that. That's a guarantee.

SPEAKER_02

You're screaming because literally you texted me that and I was like, I'm literally leaving there right now.

SPEAKER_00

I'm literally dipping my French toast in all.

SPEAKER_01

I'm eating my fucking ignorance burrito as we speak, baby. Like oh my god. All the way back to the motherfucking birds.

SPEAKER_02

So I was behind a car in the drive-thru of Dunkin' Donuts in this parking lot. And um they were taking fucking five ever bitch to get their shit. And I was like, oh my god, like I have somewhere to be. Like I think I was coming to work. Whatever. Fucking they move, they pull forward, whatever, they get their shit 18 years later, and then they pull away. Fine. I get my shit and then I go to pull away. They're blocking the motherfucking exit of the Dunkin' Donuts in the parking lot. Because of the birds, of fucking Burger King throwing their sandwich at the goals. And all I you all you hear, it's like it sounds like a horror movie. It's like squawk like fucking screaming of the birds. My baby's all like fucking swarming this car. I've never seen so many goals in my life. I was like, Nope. Fucking flooring it out of there.

SPEAKER_00

Have you ever been shit on by a bird?

SPEAKER_02

No, and I swear to god, if I get fucking shit on by a bird this weekend, I'm gonna kick your ass.

SPEAKER_00

It has happened to me. And I I think this is why I'm so afraid of birds.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, I have a fear of birds too, but literally at the beach.

SPEAKER_00

And was I there? No. Okay. I was in high school, I was with my grandmother, and we were like at the beach, and I next thing you know, I felt plop on my shoulder. Thank god I had a shirt on, and then I just turn and look, and I just see it dripping down the teeter.

SPEAKER_01

And not the teeter.

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, and I think my grandmother was like so nervous for what reaction I was about to give. She goes, it's good luck. And I go, that's a lie. It's not good luck. Because trust me, living with her after that was not good luck. I can assure you that. But yeah, no. Fuck the birds. Fuck the birds. Fuck the birds. They're not real. They are real. Government drama. No, they're not. They're not. They return to their charging port at night.

SPEAKER_02

I hate you.

SPEAKER_00

I hate myself.

SPEAKER_02

Explain turkeys.

SPEAKER_00

That's a different type of bird. What kind of fucking birds are you talking about? You know the birds. They're listening now.

SPEAKER_02

I have a fear of turkeys. Like a really bad fear of turkeys.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, turkey? I just fucking floor it. They're scary.

SPEAKER_02

They're mean.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah. Aggressive. Have you ever seen one fly? Yeah. The scariest shit I've cried the first time I ever saw that. We have literally had them in the trees. Yeah, fuck that. No. No. Yeah. Oh my god. Speaking of, we had a baby owl on the fence. Like. Oh now he's compassionate about the fucking birds. An owl is not a regular bird. You are rude. You are. I oh my god, the owls would fuck you up.

SPEAKER_01

Damn it, they probably would.

SPEAKER_00

No, totally different. Not even in the same characters.

SPEAKER_02

Those characters, their heads fucking spin all the way around.

SPEAKER_00

I know they're crazy bitches. I love it. No, I went to go take the dogs out one night and it was like pitch black. And I heard something, and I had a flashlight, so I like swung it around and it caught its eyes. Tiny little thing, like a baby, was like so small and just staring at me. It was like big old yellow eyes. Oh my god, cannot. There's a baby owl. And it's like and flew up into the tree. Ugh. Ugh. Uh uh. I can nurse it. So cute. So cute. I'm horrified. Oh my god. This reminds me of a story about my husband.

SPEAKER_04

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_00

And birds. And chocolate. Oh my god, his face right now. Have I ever told you the story about baby bird? Have I told you the story, Shannon? I don't I don't Okay. Story time. Gather around. Everyone gather around. Grab your favorite snacks. Speaking of, I want a piece of licorice. I've been waiting for Shannon to try these.

SPEAKER_02

Not sponsored.

SPEAKER_00

But if you'd like to sponsor.

SPEAKER_02

We would gladly take all of your supply.

SPEAKER_00

What are these? These are the um Wily Wallaby. Soft and Chewy. The licorice. Blasted berry.

SPEAKER_02

Blasted. Yeah. Like this, these bitches' fucking hair follicles when gobblasts.

SPEAKER_00

So um I bought these for us, and I was gonna hold them, but as you can see, they're almost gone. She couldn't resist. The Ozempi was wearing off for the week.

SPEAKER_02

Mind you, the original flavor. Well, obviously they have black licorice, which nobody fucking likes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

They have a watermelon flavor that is to die for. Yes. And I literally had to Google the name.

SPEAKER_00

This is like up there with a watermelon. Okay. Okay, so please indulge me. Like ready. Yeah, I've been waiting for this. So while you um enjoy your snack, I'm gonna tell um baby bird story. Okay, so my husband was a wee little child and his cousins. Matt, which one was it? I forget what was it? Dave or no?

SPEAKER_01

Rick.

SPEAKER_00

Rick, okay.

SPEAKER_02

Do we want to say his name?

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah, he'll love this. If he ever listens, okay. Or his wife listens. Okay. I think that they because we by the way, smell delightful. I tried to save as many as I could for you, but I couldn't resist. So Matt was a young child, and his cousin Rick was babysitting, and at the time he was in college, right? Yes, okay. So Rick was sitting on the couch eating, you know, the frozen Snickers bars. Okay. Like the ice cream? The ice cream Snickers bars. The ice cream bars. Yes. So Rick was eating one of those, and Matt came over and basically had like no little chompers, as Rick likes to say, and is trying to up at Rick because he wanted a bite of the ice cream. So Rick goes, hmm, okay, baby bird, I got you. Takes a bite of the stickers, pulls it out of his mouth, and feeds it to Matt. And Matt is eating the mitten piece of the ice cream bar. That's baby bird. Have you gone? His mother, I think, was close by and saw what happened and flew across the room horrified.

SPEAKER_02

Have you gone to therapy?

SPEAKER_00

Do you think still to this day Matt likes to be felt that way?

SPEAKER_02

Just kidding. Just kidding. Do you do you not eat it? I'm done. Oh, so I have to go. Hey, so I'm actually gonna leave.

SPEAKER_00

Not yet. We're not done recording. So what do you think of the candy?

SPEAKER_02

Hey, I'm horrified for you, by the way.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like we need Rick on the podcast to tell the story. It's definitely much funnier when he tells it.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know if I ever want to meet this Rick.

SPEAKER_00

Love him. You'll love him. He's great. Great dude.

SPEAKER_02

Um these remind me, and this might put some people off, but I love what I'm tasting right now. This reminds me of the blueberry pop tarts.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Yeah. Yes. You feel me? Yes. Like the first initial bite. Yeah. It's giving them. Yeah. These, I there is just something. It's the texture. It's the texture on these. It it a chef's kiss.

SPEAKER_02

They really I love a Twizzler. I do. Oh, these don't compare. It is just because Twizzlers like snap. Like these are like just gentle. They're like a intimate experience.

SPEAKER_00

It's like five Twizzlers like fused together in thickness. The texture is like exactly what it says. Soft and chewy. Yeah. Flavor. The flavor is out of the way. She is controlling. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But not in like a fake, like too fake way, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

It literally tastes like I'm eating like a handful of mixed berries.

SPEAKER_02

Like like honest to God, the the watermelon one doesn't taste like art. Like I know a lot of people that don't like artificial watermelon flavor. It doesn't taste like artificial watermelon to me. Not at all.

SPEAKER_00

These are just oh my god. I mean, as you could see, I could not contain. There's like what maybe three left in here.

SPEAKER_02

They have so many flavors that I really, really, really, really, really want to try, but I can't find them. Like I find I only find the watermelon ones at Stop and Shop. I know. I saw these ones at Ace Fucking Hardware of all places.

SPEAKER_00

Ace Hardware? They have a lit candy section.

SPEAKER_02

It's always in the like in the front, in the getcha. In the getcha aisle. And these are there.

SPEAKER_00

Speaking of like getcha, the ace hardware, that's where I got my like Yeti flask for like 20 bucks. Yeti makes flasks. Oh my god, yeah, honey.

SPEAKER_02

What are you getting a flask for? You know, work.

SPEAKER_00

That is not accurate.

SPEAKER_01

He's like, my job, bitch.

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, that is not accurate. I'm kidding. A previous employer, it was just a bottle of gray goose at all times. Just on the ready.

SPEAKER_02

Like not for fuck the flask. We'll bring in the entire handle. Ocean spray, trap camera, and polar fucking seltzers.

SPEAKER_00

I can't feel the heartburn now. Yeah. But it's a problem. So I saw the Yeti on sale, and I was thinking, oh my god, that's just like so cute to add to the collection because I don't know why. I think it's like cute to collect Yeti.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I know why. Huh? I know why.

SPEAKER_00

What do you mean? Just really Oh, I know exactly where you're going with that, you bitch.

SPEAKER_02

Brings you back to a time in your life. And that's okay. It fills a void. Where someone else couldn't fill it.

SPEAKER_00

I'm speechless. And that does not happen often. Like you need a moment to reflect on your lesbianism. I need a moment to reflect on this. I might fucking journal tonight.

SPEAKER_03

Dear diary.

SPEAKER_00

Dear diary.

SPEAKER_03

I hate Shannon.

SPEAKER_00

Reflection. I'm looking inward. Not outward. I said what I said. Okay. You know, perhaps you're not wrong. Perhaps that's also why they just pay them. It's rare. And collect dust. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like some others. Collecting dust. God bless. So, anyways, yeah, I bought a really cute white yeti flask. And then later on, I was like, I need to add to this, even though I've never even used it. And I bought the matching white shot glasses. Right, naturally.

SPEAKER_02

That's really what the use is for. I do.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, okay, because apparently she fucking knows me.

SPEAKER_01

You don't know me.

SPEAKER_00

Shannon, you know me. Shannon, you don't know me. That is a story.

SPEAKER_02

Write that down.

SPEAKER_00

Or should we just tell it?

SPEAKER_02

I mean, shout out to our girl Rachel. Oh, right, right. Um. Um, we I don't even know where to begin with. I feel like we don't need to tell the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00

No, we could just uh give the cliff note version.

SPEAKER_02

So we were out at the club at the clerb pre-COVID.

SPEAKER_00

Pre-COVID when we like really thought we were somebody's and fucking unhinged. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Bitch, we still think we're somebody's.

SPEAKER_00

No, the only difference is we are somebody's now. That's the difference. Back then we thought we were somebody's. We are somebody's now. Right. But yeah, we used to get ratchet. Ratchet. Used to cross state lines to go to the club. Has anyone ever had um coochie juice? Oh. And I I know, I know my people in the hood know what coochie juice is. And if you don't know, it is Hennessy with apple juice. And now you know. I'm traumatized. With caution. Yeah. Yeah. So not for the final part. Yeah. We used to go to the club, get really ratchet, and there was one evening when we were out in um the beautiful state of Rhode Island. Yes. Uh, shout out to the real housewives of Rhode Island. Shout out to Coliseum. If you know you know. Oh, R.I.P.

SPEAKER_02

That is she's I think she's still alive, but she's not well.

SPEAKER_00

No, definitely not well. Because like I know someone that went there recently, and it was like, it's not what it used to be. That place, that place has seen me in some dark times. If the fucking walls could talk in that bitch. God bless. Foul. Foul. So we were out one night, a big group of us, and there was a um a member of the team that just was not acting accordingly. According to Rachel. And things escalated, and um next thing you know, I just remember hearing a lot of scuffle, and I was sitting in the passenger seat, and I turned to look what's going on in the backseat, and I just see hands being thrown.

SPEAKER_02

Hands and hair. Yeah. Hands and hair.

SPEAKER_00

Fucking beautiful blonde locks. So I jump up out of the car, I run around to the other side, back door, rip it open, I grab my girl Ray Ray, and she is deadlock on this bench. Deadlock on her. And then I hear people screaming, cops are coming, cops are coming. So I'm never sobered up so quickly in my life. Yeah, I'm like, everyone get in the fucking car. Leave home girl. Yeah, leave home girl with the game. In the dust. Yeah. The ride home.

SPEAKER_02

Rachel's freaking out in the backseat. She is Jonathan.

SPEAKER_00

You don't fucking know me. You don't know me. I'm like, girl, I know it's okay. She's like, Jonathan, you know me. You know me. It's like, amps.

SPEAKER_03

I'm sitting next to Rachel and she's like all hands like beat, like yelling at Jonathan, but like trying to tell, like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

No, she was just bending. And I was like, and I was like, yes, girl, yes, like I know, girl.

SPEAKER_03

I know Rachel. I know Rachel. And she's like, you don't know me. And she's like, he goes, Rachel, I know you. Jonathan, you just know me.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm like, yeah, girl, yeah. Just you know, smoothing over the situation. Yeah. Get back to the house. Still, still going. Next thing you know. Oh god. Home girl rolls up. Home girl rolls up thinking like she's just gonna be welcome.

SPEAKER_02

Mind you, we're all crashing at Rachel's apartment at the time. Yes.

SPEAKER_00

This girl. Rachel's front door has a window right next to it.

SPEAKER_02

Like in like it's it's like a corner. And then there's a window in the door, and then there's another window on the other side of the wall. And this girl is in the window.

SPEAKER_00

Like But Rachel draws the fucking line. That blind goes flying up. And this girl is just standing in the window. Mind you, it's like February. Bye below.

SPEAKER_01

Like freezing. I'm like, bye.

SPEAKER_00

Maybe we should just let her sleep. And Rachel's like, fuck no, she's not fucking coming in here. Like, oh my god, that was such a time. So wild.

SPEAKER_02

They're friends now, by the way. They're like good. Reconciled.

SPEAKER_00

Reconciled, everything's good, but um, holy wait, that was the night that Carly had her fucking her brat sneaker on. And she, oh my god, this was like when chunky sneakers were coming back. Yeah, and she had on these Fila like chunky sneakers. Shout out to Carly, that's Rachel's sister. Yeah, she was like, don't fuck with my channel.

SPEAKER_02

She's like this tiny, cute little fucking thing. Like beautiful, beautiful long blonde hair, just like the two of them are just snatched. Yeah, just baddies, like through and through.

SPEAKER_00

They are they bitches you don't want to fuck with. So put together like just baddies, exactly. And Charlie fucking took that sea la sneaker, had it pressed to that girl's throat.

SPEAKER_02

Like, and I was just like was like defending her sister in the most nonchalant way. I'm like, oh, oh, you got her, you got her. Like Jonathan's ripping Rachel off of this girl, and Carly just has her badass bat sneaker pressed on her throat.

SPEAKER_00

Wild. Like, I just I think shortly after was um New Year's Eve.

SPEAKER_02

That was like the last time we went out, and that was New Year's Eve going into 2020. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I I just want to say sorry to the world because I really that was because of us. We really brought COVID to y'all. Yes. We manifested it that night. That I actually have not gone out since that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I have gone out, but not to the caliper of the I have not been to like a club.

SPEAKER_00

I have not gone out like that. I've been to like a bar, yeah, low-key setting, but I have not been to a club and partied like that since having heartburn. Heartburn now, I'm just thinking about it.

SPEAKER_02

I think that that is a story that is all for its own thing because that I could deep dive on that night.

SPEAKER_00

Could you? Because I don't even think you were um really comatose. You were comatose, honey. You were the lights were off. I just yeah. Oh, I shruck a nerve. She pissed.

SPEAKER_02

I have videos. I have video evidence of what? Of a lot of things that night. And I when I finally retrieved my phone back from the fucking Uber. Yeah. Because I did lose my phone in the Uber that evening. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. And do you care to elaborate?

SPEAKER_02

I just feel like I moonlighted a little bit that night, okay? Like I was I was in and out. Because there are things that I remember and things that I definitely don't. And people told me about.

SPEAKER_00

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

I just feel like this is like an episode for itself. Okay. Okay, we can save it.

SPEAKER_00

I'm here to save it.

SPEAKER_02

It was a chapter. It was a chapter.

SPEAKER_00

It certainly was.

SPEAKER_02

It was its own fucking chapter.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. That night was unforgettable.

SPEAKER_02

But forgettable because I was blacked out for a lot of it. I was. I was blacked out for a lot of things. I definitely was drugged. Or rugged. I don't know what I'm allowed to say. Oh. When you like you can't like say like things that rhyme was grape, you know?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Or like, you know. Which you weren't. I was not. I'm not saying that I was. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Was I want to clarify? Was I touched inappropriately? Yeah. By a couple people.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like we should cut here. What? Are you looking at me like you know about this? I'm blinking.

SPEAKER_02

Wait, is it? In the bathroom. Yeah. Oh, okay. And also my swaying on Oh, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You were like, I thought it was like deeper than Oh my god, no. Okay, you were like making it sound.

SPEAKER_02

Was that not being touched inappropriately?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, but I mean okay, I feel like you need to kind of say it now, because like Okay, well This also touches on the lesbianism.

unknown

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah. See, everything's coming back to it. This is a full circle.

SPEAKER_02

Is it because that same night I was apparently fucking swaying on like not even dancing, but swaying on some dude.

SPEAKER_00

Should it was like blackout? Yeah, like and every time we were like, Are you good, girl? She would literally swing her head up and go, Yeah, and then would go right back down.

SPEAKER_02

They almost didn't let me in. I was pulled.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. You're not going in. Yeah. And that also reminds me of the time that I went there and I had Timberlands on and they threw me up against the wall. And they were like, those are not allowed. And I was like, um, I just drove two hours here. I don't have any other shoes. So did they let you in? Well, yeah, once they fucking realized that I had like lashes on in a smoky eye, and I wasn't there to start no shit, it won't be no shit. I was just there to like shake ass shake ass and like be queer. Like the Timberlands were the only heel that fit me. Okay. So I had no choice.

SPEAKER_03

It was just you and Tim's. I mean, I tried to get the fucking mini dress.

SPEAKER_00

I tried to get the Timberland heels, but they didn't come in my size. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03

You're in like a fucking sparkly fucking bandage dress. Like Tim's are the only thing that fits me right now. Like with your pink fucking sidekick. Like literally. Like my girls.

SPEAKER_00

I know I'm big bodied, but like I'm not here to start, no shit. I promise.

SPEAKER_02

I can top not. Literally.

SPEAKER_00

Like, please. I'm like, do you not see like the Chris Jenner Coffed hair? Like, I come in peace.

SPEAKER_02

I'm a winged liner.

SPEAKER_00

Like that. Like a mommager. It's okay. Oh my god. Oh my god, Coliseum. I miss it. Baby Dyke Week after.

SPEAKER_02

I don't think that thing has seen actually the light of day. It's seen some evenings.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, evenings for sure.

SPEAKER_02

What was the place that did foam parties? Wasn't that Coliseum? Was it Coliseum?

SPEAKER_00

I think they did. I mean, I never attended that. Me neither, but I wouldn't want to. No. I could just. Oh my god. Oh god. I could feel the headache.

SPEAKER_02

I could smell the BO and I can feel my stomach churning ready to be.

SPEAKER_00

But I would like to do it like one more time.

SPEAKER_02

Would you contract a disease? That would be the moment. Just it's a miracle that we haven't.

SPEAKER_00

Truly.

SPEAKER_02

Like from that place.

SPEAKER_00

That place, yeah. It's disgusting. I've seen some creatures roaming.

SPEAKER_02

They go in looking like humans and then come out. Supernatural.

SPEAKER_00

No, we're going out. Matt, start the car. We're going out. We're going like this. I mean, do you see how these people dress today? Do you see how these kids dress? What what's with the fucking sweatpants with the socks tucked into the sweatpants? What is that? Sweatpants tucked into the sock, I should say.

SPEAKER_02

Do you think that's what the club looks like now?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I don't know. I haven't been there in fucking seven years.

SPEAKER_02

I know what I'm asking though. Is that what like it do you think?

SPEAKER_00

Or do they like look like the hose that we were? I don't know. I mean, because like Forever 21 and Wet Seal are gone, babe.

SPEAKER_02

So like what are these bitches wearing?

SPEAKER_00

They're wearing um, what's that? Sheen.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So yeah. I'll fit right in. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

They got their Timu having us.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god. Never ordered anything from them.

SPEAKER_02

I've ordered a couple things from Timu before. My little slippers that look like Uggs. A dollar and fifty cents on Timu. Oh my god. They're still going strong three years later.

SPEAKER_00

We love a barcode.

SPEAKER_02

I'm just saying. Hit or miss.

SPEAKER_00

I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_02

That one was a hit.

SPEAKER_00

Go get your slippers. We're going to the clerb.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. I will go to Coliseum in my fucking odd slippers.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, and now I know not to wear my Tim, so I'll get thrown up against the wall and fucking pat down.

SPEAKER_02

No, now we need to find you some Tim heels.

SPEAKER_00

God, that would be iconic. It's giving like Sierra.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. It's giving um.

SPEAKER_00

It's giving um yes. Or um what's that?

SPEAKER_02

Jesse J's one. It's like so we'll like a present. So we'll like a food.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, exactly. Or whatever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I was gonna say like Cassie, me and you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's giving pussy cat dolls.

unknown

Oh. Don't you? Oh what?

SPEAKER_00

Why? Everything good is gone. Pussycat dolls.

SPEAKER_02

They're com they're making a comeback. Are they? I heard that.

SPEAKER_00

Or is it really just Nicole?

SPEAKER_02

It's just Nicole, but the fucking girls are coming to dance.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah. They're coming to dance.

SPEAKER_02

They're coming to shake titties after they've had babies.

SPEAKER_00

So now they're real titles. In the background.

SPEAKER_02

The one other girl that can kind of sing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, Nicole was running that shit. Yeah. Doing the mar and bunnies and everything. Everything, honey. Everything.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I heard I think I saw that they were going back on tour.

SPEAKER_00

Speaking of tour, I really want to see Ariana Grande.

SPEAKER_02

I said this to you today. And you I was not met with this enthusiasm.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because did you see the fucking prices? Matthew? Like it's $600 in the nosebleeds. Like I can already feel the tissue stuffed in my nose. Like it's on our 30th birthday. Daddy. Daddy. We need tickets. Who can we call? Oh my god, don't say it. Matt would buy him. Stop it. I would just. Matt would be like, I'm bringing my girls. It's sh it's and then the dogs.

SPEAKER_02

We're in the parking lot. Thank you. Me and the girls will be out shortly.

SPEAKER_00

It's just us in the running. We're here for one song.

SPEAKER_02

Fucking parking garage. And we're like listening. Honestly, kind of a fun vlog.

SPEAKER_00

Doing it for the people.

SPEAKER_02

Anyway. I think we covered more than we thought we were going to this evening.

SPEAKER_00

I agree. Maybe a little more than we should have.

SPEAKER_02

We divulged a little.

SPEAKER_00

I feel later.

SPEAKER_02

I feel a little connected to the other.

SPEAKER_00

Maybe I'm going to rains on baby night weekend. Wash everything away. I feel cleansed. So we're going out in the peatown, is what I'm hearing. I'm a lesbian.

SPEAKER_01

Fuck you.

SPEAKER_00

Saddle up.

SPEAKER_02

We'll see you next Tuesday.