S1E4 Happiness

Mo states that there are ways to approach your own happiness. Firstly, take care of the things that make you unhappy. One best way is to decrease your level of expectation of others and yourself.
In business and life one big element for success is to be clear with your level of expectations from yourself and others. While at times we realistically can't have our expectations lined up due to lack of clarity. In these cases we need to have a "buffer zone" as well as remember to take things easy on each other.
It is said that 97% of the things we worry about will never happen, and the other 3% we can't do anything about. If we start thinking in this way, it will get easier. Also, if you can do something about a situation, then do it, and if you can't, then don't worry about it.
One quick way to increase your level of happiness is to appreciate the things that you have rather than focusing on the things that you don't have. If you do not feel good one day, help someone.
Few other elements that make you happy:
1: Sunlight. Don't sit in the shade/dark when you don't need to, open the blinds and curtains when you can and try to be out in the sun more often. Don't wear shades if not too sunny to hurt your eyes.
2: An $80,000.00 income.
3: Having a community and close friends.
4: Fish oil and Vitamin D.
5: Exercise.
Q: for 21 day in a row, write down 21 things that you are grateful for. you can not repeat the same thing and email us at info@lifeworkshop.ca.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Welcome to Life Workshop, where we discuss the forgotten basics. Here we are, your most favorite host and co-host, Mo and Bo. Hello. Discussing uh today's subject is happiness. And as you know, we all want to have a good life and we want, you know, to have an even better life, you know, as the time goes on. But the question is, how can we be happier? So, and one principle that I have been using, as you know, I say that one bad exceeds nine or ten good. So, in order to become happy, first you want to make sure that you're not you know, to address the thing that they make you unhappy. So, the question for you is Bo, what makes you unhappy?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Well, I got a couple things um that I know right off the bat, and go into it is when I get into ruts of eating eating bad food um because you're working and you're moving and you're getting you're you're uh always busy and you just stop in and you you grab something that's not necessarily good for you. Um and and you end up feeling that in the in the long term. Um I think that just generally brings me down as soon as I recognize it and I keep on doing it, and that definitely brings me a level of unhappiness. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Of course, we want to pick other words, right? Again, yes. It it makes you disappointed.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Yes, disappointed.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Yeah. But of course when you disappoint yourself a few times, then it just affects your level of happiness.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Right. And that was the next one, a disappointment in my own self. Um that that uh that does a lot like when you when you're working and you screw something up or you do something that makes somebody else even disappointed in you. That that makes me unhappy.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

And this is so what do you do about it? You you are aware of it, which is good, but what do you do about it?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Well no, I mean you try and do better. How can you do that? Yeah, I guess you try and you try and isolate what it is that you that you that you did. Um and then whether or not you could even could even have changed it even if you wanted to. Um and then make that correction. Like if if you if you can't say like if you screw something up at work, like sometimes I get tunnel vision and it's just my way or the highway, and this is how it's gonna be, and I don't even think about something else, um, and then you find out that that you were that you were wrong, right? You have to try and I don't even know how you really fix it, but you just have to be aware that sometimes that that happens to you. So when someone says maybe you shouldn't do that, maybe you should listen. Maybe I should listen.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Something that I said, because personally, as you know, I have my own business at that one point, you know, I was um uh I got too busy, so I booked clients through my lunchtime. My food is very important to me. I get hungry very easily. I should really have food, you know, in arm reach. I I mean it, you know, otherwise I get I panic. And uh, but one day that happened and really it um it became really kind of not a good scenario because myself I was not happy with that. I was, oh, I should say, I was disappointed because I I I couldn't eat properly, and I was just going back and forth, you know, eating a little bit, which I did not enjoy my food. That was one. Two, um, my clients, you know, I didn't pay attention to them as much, and that affected a bit of a, you know, caused a bit of a disappointment in them. So then that day, I I really thought about that. I said I had said this you know in a few episodes before that. I said my dad told me what makes you feel good when you go to bed, think about what makes you feel good, what makes you feel bad and why, which I added that to it personally. And because I have that uh habit, especially if I feel bad one day, I normally do that. That what made me feel bad, what can I do about it? Was it me? Was it the situation? Was it the other party? And often it is me. And if you change the way that you do things or think differently, it will affect the way that you feel. And I realized that was an uh the concert, so I I never ever missed my lunch, you know. So, and I make sure that I, for example, have enough time. And for myself, you know, eating clean and healthy is very important. Um, I make sure that you know I don't get too tired, that when I get home, I have enough time to prepare a good food. Uh, so I really make sure of that to happen. But but it is very good to know what causes it and then how you're gonna address it. Another thing, there are studies that they show that if you're happy, you're happy, you will do a better job. By doing a better job can affect you to become happier, but really you first you need to be happy. So sometimes when you think that okay, I'm gonna skip lunch because I want to keep my customer happy or something, it's a double-edged sort of thing. I'm not sure if it's gonna work. So, just it's something to keep uh keep in mind. Another thing, for example, I had asked one of my colleagues that you know what makes her angry, then she said, bad drivers. I said, So, how many of them do we have out there?

SPEAKER_01 5:36

That can be anyone, and she said a lot.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

I said, So you're the only good driver though. Yeah, so basically what happens, yes, we do uh we do run into cases, but depending on what you are focusing on, yes, there are some you know people that they drive bad or by mistake or they're just generally bad drivers. But one of the quick ways to decrease the level of anger or disappointment, one of the very quick changes that you can make if you drop your expectation level. So if you have less expectation, you will not get disappointed as easily. So in order to become happier, the one quick fix is have less expectation. Try that. And the expectation that I mean, I mean in everybody, in your friends, family, drivers, co-workers, I don't know, boss.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

How do you deal with um say other people having a higher expectation of say you? You know, and like it's almost like like an unrealistic expect expectation that you can't possibly meet.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Of course, you can have that now. You got me on a spot, you know. Um I mean that is their issue. Yeah, it's not a you issue.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

I I guess that falls in the don't like when people say not to be a people pleaser or something. I mean you have a triumph. I never do something.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

I I I I normally discourage people from being don't please anybody. You just do the job right. That is all you need to do. Yeah, uh you know you want to do the right thing to the best of knowledge that you have. Uh not people pleasing, that's not how it works because it just doesn't work. You know, the uh different people they have different expectations, so it's a good idea to set the expectations right, you know, from the get-go. Especially we talked about this you know in a few episodes before. That when it comes to a business, you want to set the expectations. Right. Because it's a transaction that is happening. Right. When it comes to friends, sometimes we have expectations that we have never voiced out, which the other party doesn't know. Right. And then that becomes another big issue in our frustration that we find people, we say people are this, people are mad, people don't have common sense, and we generalize it very frequently. Right. Then so be we want to just as I said, that level of expectation, if it goes down. And if they and sometimes if you're not voicing it out, then we should not have the expectation.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Right, right. Like don't don't live in the land of covert contracts, essentially, right? Like these things that the other we're we're holding someone to a standard that they don't even know.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

That's just correct.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Yeah, that's hard. That's hard. I find I find that my I do that necessarily.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

And if you really um, you know, you have that, maybe you should just voice it out, tell them, you know, just to clarify the expectation and then the rules that each party plays. You know, um that it the clarity, clarity is a very important thing. I read this somewhere in uh as a business thing, that in order to be successful, competence is 10%, confidence is 10%, clarity is 80%. Of course, now it is just they come up with numbers, but the not somebody comes at, oh no, it was no 9.5%, you just got that one, the other one was 11 and a half, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

But as a general rule, basically the one said that the clarification is one of the most important parts in any relationship, that expectation. And sometimes, you know, honestly, we don't know. But when, for example, in ourselves that we do this podcasting, some of it we don't know that how much of expectation we should have off of each other.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Then some of that we will come a flexibility that you know we just oh, you know, an oopsie happens. It's okay, you should be okay with that. Yeah, and then so but as much as possible we clarify the roles that we play, the expectations that we have, and for the rest of it, you should have this, you know, bumper that basically we can just we can take the hit and be okay with it. But now I'm going back again to the main subject that you know the things that we normally make us as a general. I have asked this question from quite a few people, that they make us unhappy. Often is again anger, you know, getting angry, angry or disappointed with others, sometimes disappointed by yourself, which is the self-forgiveness. That one I have a very good story. I will bring it up, uh screw up that I made. And to be honest, at the time I felt horrible. Of course, thanks to two friends, they made me feel even more horrible. But at the same time, it turned out to become a very good experience. I will talk about that self-forgiveness. Well, you know, um, I would encourage everybody to listen to that. I I and I'm sure the people would be divided in the way that they look at it, but I think it became a very, very good, you know, subject to talk about. But another thing is that, for example, people that won't be worried about this stuff, that is something that brings you know our level of happiness down, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:53

And there's a difference between worrying and planning. Correct. You know, I'll I'll sit there and I'll plan things out when I'm doing planning what's gonna happen next. My my my my steps to do what I'm gonna do next so I can mentally prepare, you know, and and sometimes I I I call that worrying, or people say, Oh, you you you worry too much for everything, but well, I'm I'm just planning. I'm just planning. Very good. You're getting your words right. They get it wrong. But but I'm but I'm planning, and some but in that planning, sometimes I get I get on planning for, well, what if? What if this, what if that, what if that, and then I got three or four plans going just in case say step one goes crazy, then I goes wrong, do you go to plan B. One A, one A B one and then they get all mixed up together.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

As a general rule, I know that they say perfection, I prefer to deal with somebody who is more of a perfectionist than not. Okay. So, and the level of perfectionist that we call perfectionism that we are talking about that for different people is different level. Right. They call it, you know, for example, if you're a pilot, I prefer if you're a freaking perfectionist. That you do not want to make any mistakes. Um, but anyway, as a general rule, that's a different thing, you know, and people they have different standards. But I prefer to be more of a perfectionist and deal with somebody of that level. And no, that is planning, is not worrying. Warring normally is the things that if this happens, it's a bit different.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

You know, it's a bit different.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

And you know, if you start thinking about things that you can't do anything about, and this is exactly moral worrying, is that we're gonna worrying is often about the things that you have no control on. Right. And if you don't have control on it, why do you worry about it? Right. And if you have control on it, then do something about it. Right. And they know it's easier said than done. But again, when you practice it, trust me, it happens. I have done it personally before that you worry about something, and then you start thinking if you use the same process that I said, can I do something about it? I'm gonna do it. If not, then I'm gonna think about it. Why should I worry? And often they said I should uh I've heard that they say 97% of the things that you worry about, they never happen. And the other just you're just telling stories in your head. Yes, and the other 3% that they happen, they can't do, and you can't do anything about it, anyways. So it's gonna happen. You're taking my power away. And if really we go back and think about it, you know, the things uh it's a very good idea just to think back, you know, but the things that we have worried in the past, you know, was there any point to worry about it? You know, sometimes, usually not.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah. Well, I I mean I I mean I'd have to think longer and harder. Yeah, this and then like you know, because I have done that.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

For example, uh I'm a parent, I mean, uh, and then when my child was obviously younger, he's he's older, I'm not. Yes. But for example, I would worry quite a bit about that. But there were the things that a lot of times they were automatic control. And I didn't know. Maybe I should throw this very quickly. A friend of mine, he's an orthopedic surgeon, and one day he said that he's worried about his child, who is six years old. That's a why he said that he's on the you know computer or you know, these gadgets, you know, and spending too much time. I'm worried about his future. Then I told him, said, where you were his age, was your dad worried about you? He thought for a moment, he said, yeah. He said, I watch too much TV.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

I said, what happened to you now? You're a productive member of the society. So what makes you think he is not? And I'm not saying uh spending too much time on the gadgets is good, but uh sometimes we go too far, you know, with the and if there is something you can do about it, do it uh do that. And if you can't, then just don't worry about it. So when it comes to that, for example, again, um the things that we the uh it's a good idea to start thinking what makes you unhappy in life, first address those things, then afterwards think about the things that they make you happy, and as a general rule, I'm gonna just list things very quickly, but really this is not a 20-minute conversation that we can have in here, but I'm just touching basis to establish a base, but then over the podcast that we are uh episodes, next a few episodes that we are gonna be talking, I'm gonna address one by one, by one, you know, that we go a little bit deeper in those things. But for example, other elements of you know happiness. Normally they say that a level of you know $80,000 household income per year, you know, is sufficient for financial part of it. Of course, once I said this, a buddy of mine said that, but with $80,000, I can't even pay for my car. That's a dumbass. You're driving a most expensive vehicle, he was rubbing a Mercedes Benzing. Yes, that's not for that. When they say $80,000, they mean that for example, you go buy a second hand car for $10,000, $15,000 to catch.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

You're you're talking about gross income though, correct? Like before before taxes and all that, right? In in Canada. That's correct. Okay, so somewhere else like that, and so that's really different. Like if we're talking about net income, that's correct, right? 80,000 is actually a lot lower. Like the real money that you have to use is actually a lot lower.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

And again, it is just a general number, depends on household. When we are saying household, how big of a household it is too. Right. But the the whole it's just the gist of it, that you know, around that much. And the first 80,000 decreases the stress. Above that doesn't do much. You know, so if you're wishing, you know, again, think about it as this you know, uh a chain is as strong as its weakest link. Right. If that is your problem, again, for that 80,000, first decrease your expenses. See what you and then think about how you can increase your income. And by increasing, and if you reach to 80,000, 890,000, something that like that number, now by going making 200,000, you will not become happier. Just to be clear, that is where where I'm going with these things. Just to have a general understanding that put your effort somewhere that you know serves your service, um, serves your purpose. And you know that, for example, first again, remove your anger, the things that you're sorry, the thing that makes you unhappy, in general, choose the anger, disappointment, and those kinds of things. Then the other elements that they say for for one of the biggest elements for happiness is a sense of community and connection. So if you have more friends and friends, when I say would be somebody that you can pick up the phone and call them or shoot them a text, obviously, and not to worry too much about the words that you choose. Right. And just be comfortable being yourself.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

It's more about, well, say, I mean, I'm I'm pretty I'm on the introvert spectrum, I would think, right? So I mean, I think of it more of having like quality friends, right? The the quantity of friends doesn't matter, it's more the the quality of friends you have and the conversations that you can that you can you can get away with having with them, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:03

But you can talk about your problems and their their problems and with no judgment and you know trying to be helping each other.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Right, yeah. And and not that sounds so dire, like I'm talking about problems all the time. Well, we're not, you know, just talk about just life things in general and having no real uh jud judgment on on each other, except you know, sometimes you have to say something, but you know, or hopefully someone can say something to you when you're off base. And I think you're just comfortable, you're sitting there as if you're talking to your mom.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Sure. You know, something in that line. Yeah, that you know you feel comfortable, you don't have to really uh walk on eggshell, you know, just think about oh, what word I should use, or maybe I hurt their feeling, and sometimes it is us because I have seen some people that it is them, just be comfortable, it's not me, it's you, it's a you problem at times. Yeah, right. Some people they have they are not just comfortable themselves, so just that is the sense of community, right? Another element that they say for happiness is very important is sunlight. So yeah, it's a very easy thing. So if if there is a sunlight, you know, as long as it doesn't hit you right in the eye or it's not too bright to bother you, don't put shades on. Sometimes people they put shades on just to look cool, yeah. But studies, to best of my knowledge, and personally I have experienced that, that if I have shades on, I don't get the good effect of the sun.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Really?

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Yes. I didn't. Wow, okay. Yeah, I I really when there is a sunlight, I prefer that brightness. And because of that, I leave the windows open. The sorry, the blinds open. Yeah. And I don't pull the curtains down. No, I leave it open. And I recommend that too. That if, for example, even if you have to do something that you have to anyway, just uh as soon as you see that there is a daylight, just take advantage of it. So these small things, they make a difference. And if you don't have one, then get happy lights. It does make a difference. I mean, at least that's been my happy lights? No, do you mean daytime lights? Like like the No, it's called happy light. What? Yeah, yeah. It is called happy light. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, Google it.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yeah. I'm not gonna broke it.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

It does work, trust me. You know, it is a kind of a light that it does help. It does help, you know, that. Um, but again, as I said, you know, if you can, as soon as it's a daylight, you know, try to be out there as much as possible and leave the things that should be inside indoor for the time that the daylight is not there. You know, just a bit a bit of a planning. It does make a difference if you add them up, you know, just one thing to the other. Another thing that, for example, when it comes to food, they say that of course, generally healthy eating and those things they help, but uh uh I've heard that fish oil and vitamin D, for example, helps. And one of the another very big important is uh for happiness is just exercise. You know, and you for example, personally, I run and you really get a runner's high. But now to give two quick tips that you know normally, again, in order to become the to decrease the level of unhappiness and the things that may make you not feel good, one quick fix is decrease your expectation. Don't expect too much from your friends, family, colleagues, drivers, coworkers, and anybody. And yourself.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

I should I think that I think that that that's probably most important because that's what we spent the longest time talking about.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

That um that is true. Yeah, sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. Of course, you want to keep a higher standards as a general rule, but no, I understand what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Yeah, just strive for perfection, I guess, but keep it reasonable.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

Yeah, like if and if you screw up, you know, it's okay. We all do. Right. We all do, and then um some are less, though. Some are pretty good at screwing up things, but so that would be uh the the expectation. And another thing that very quickly can increase your level of happiness is being grateful. And grateful, I mean really think about the things that you have and Focus on what you have versus what you don't have. And to be honest, one thing that we say personally, I have had this, I don't know why, but although I have been out of Iran for most of my life, 28, 29 years, to this date, I was 25 when I left Iran. For most of my life, I have been out of Iran. But to this date, sometimes, not sometimes, actually, when I drive, I think that, oh my God, it's so peaceful. When I go out, I deal with people, you know, it's just so peaceful. I don't have to worry. Oh, you know, if I get sick, because we are in Canada, we have this free health care. You know what? I'm taken care of. Oh, it's not, it's not free, friend. I pay taxes, I know. But you know, it takes those worries. There is insurance, for example. Uh I pay for the insurance, but that insurance for my car, for my house, for um anything else that you do, it provides you that peace. And the peacefulness is the important part. Right. So um, but anyway, to be grateful, that is something I think that uh I have seen it more frequently that we miss, that we are, we have forgotten, and we think about the things that we don't have. Right. And we are not grateful for the things that we have. And sometimes it's better to compare. Life is a comparison, by the way, compare other lives versus people that are living in some other, you know, third world countries that they don't have that. And because I come from that background, of course, Iran again during Shastam was very good after uh uh revolution, it went down. But because I experienced that, yet to this date, I think my level of appreciation is, I wouldn't be too surprised to say is way higher than people that they were born in here. And it really, it really makes me feel good. And that has caused one of the you know things that I'm very happy about. But one uh quick thing again for a question and challenge for the audience is this uh I think Sean Anker, his um researcher in happiness, and he has said this. Said that if you can uh again do me and yourself a favor, for 21 days, consequent days, every day write something that you're appreciative of, and you cannot repeat it.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

You can't repeat it?

SPEAKER_00 24:20

You can't repeat the same thing if you said that you know, you know, and find something that you appreciate. The whole idea is when you do that, you train your brain to look at the positive. That's all it is. Okay, so if you do that for three weeks, then it becomes easier to find the goodness. Once I said that to one of my staff that she was not the happiest person, and then I I told her, I said, I'm gonna pay you. I said honestly, I said I'm gonna pay you $100 if you do that. And she wrote that for a few days and she couldn't. She couldn't find something. After maybe six, seven, eight days, she was she had such a challenge to come up with something. Then I said, I'm not gonna say the name. I said, You could have said it is sunny. Then she said, Are you kidding me? Are you saying that happiness? I said, Where do you think happiness comes from? The simplest thing. You could have said, Oh, I can drive here as a woman to be safe, and I'm in a freaking free country. That's what you could have said. But you haven't experienced this alternative. You could have said, you know what, it's a peaceful place to be honest. If I'm not happy, if I say something, I'm not too worried about you know people being rude. Uh often people are much better. And if some people they think that people in here are rude, think twice. It should be to in some other places. So again, it's just an expectation. And she couldn't see that. I said this goes on and on. Yes, when I'm saying that happiness, I'm talking these simple things. Right. When you can lay down and just feel comfortable that you know, if I get sick, I can I'm taken care of. If um I'm feeling bad, for example, I have good friends to support me. So, anyway, these are the things that can be done. Very simple things. And if you're thinking about something very uh you know expensive and those kinds of things that are more complicated, you're not on the right track.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Well, then you're getting into pleasure land.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

So here we go. This is what's the date today?

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Um oh my god, I should, I don't know, 2017, 18. February.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

We'll just say 9, 9, 19.

SPEAKER_00 26:43

This is February 18, 20, 2022. But when you're listening to this, please just go ahead and do this. You know, again, every day write one thing that you're grateful for and email it to. Actually, you can email it to us. I really would love to see that, you know, and that uh and hold yourself responsible that you have to do it for 21 days.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

So in 21 days, we're gonna come back here and you're gonna give me a hundred bucks if I do this. Well, that's not what I said. Oh, I thought that applied for everybody. I wish this is this, but this is now now now. I'm disappointed. This is bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

But another very last thing that I wanted to say, um, a very um uh they say if you're not feeling good, go help somebody. That is another thing that you can use as a treat. When you want to treat yourself, maybe you want to go help somebody. And then I say that sometimes you cannot go, oh, who needs help? You know, I mean you can do that, but another thing just to be perceptive that in case you see that somebody needs help, you know, help them. Not to think that, oh, go do this on your own.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

We will get there because, for example, that sometimes you have to tell people to do things on their own.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

You know, I'm not I'm not saying I'm not saying we shouldn't help people or I don't like helping people, but like helping people all the time, but as a matter of there's a there's a line that has to be drawn where it's like, no, you have to do that for yourself. Otherwise, otherwise it's just gonna be um codependency. Look at that word.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

As a matter of fact, as you know, I did never buy a compressor I have for my blowing out the lines, and you know, I asked you to come and help me with that.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Yeah, remember that that's that that that's fine, but you should buy a compressor at some point.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

No, I think we will get there. Maybe that'll be another episode. It's become a bit longer than I thought. Okay, but again, um I hope that everybody has enjoyed this. And you know, again, remember you can reach us by email. That's one of the best ways. Info at alpha. Oh my god, that's the business. Info at lifeworkshop.ca. And if you have any topics that you would like us to talk about, you know, let me know. And if you have something of value, I will be more than happy to discuss that. And again, please remember, life is simple, we make it complicated. Love you guys all. Bye bye.