S1E9 Making Friends

We all need friends, so it is very important to know how to pick good friends and how to be one.
The following are a few of the red flags to watch out for when looking for a good friend: Wishing others ill, jealousy, negativity, not been able to show your vulnerability, and not respecting one's privacy.

We have to remember that everyone has flaws, so we don't want to write off people who potentially could be good friends due to the flaws they may have. Practice getting to know people. First impression doesn't count. If you don't initially like someone, get to know them, if you still don't like them, get to know them more.

It is a good thing to put friends in different categories, each has their own strengths and weaknesses, some might be good to work with, some are good to travel with, some are good to party with, while others are there to have a decent conversation, and so on.

Q: Do you connect with your friends at multiple levels? Or does each have their own place, this way you can have more friends?

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:12

Welcome to Life Workshop, where we discuss the forgotten basics. As usual, here we are, Mo and Bo, the most favorite host and co-host. And then so today's topic that I would like to talk about is about making friends. Before I start talking about this, I have to say why is it important to know how to make friends and to be a good friend? Because sometimes you run into people that they say, you know, I don't like people, or they don't have friends. I have seen that. And I don't think there is anybody that doesn't want to have friends. I think we all want that. Some maybe were introverts, some extroverts, some are good with few, some with more. But I don't think there is anybody that says I don't need friends and they can live on their own. They would be very odd, you know, a few cases probably, but in general we want friends. So what happens that sometimes we get to the point and say that you know what? Screw that. I'm better off on my own, which some of us we do, get to that level, and we really don't want any specific friends, and we stick to, let's say, if we are married or something, or we just be connected to our pets, which normally is a dog. So normally something has happened, and we have got disappointed in a way. Now the disappointment has been all because of our own fault or the friends that we have chosen, or a combination of both. So because of that, it becomes important to know you know where are the red flags that we should know that we identified in ourselves as well as the other party to see if can they be potentially a good friend or not, or can we really be the uh a good friend to somebody else? And you know, then that becomes a very important thing. So before I get to started talking about that, I would like to ask you this bow. How you have obviously some friends and you know some close friends, how have you got to know them, or are you trying to find more friends yet?

SPEAKER_00 2:30

That's interesting. The last part of that question um, are you trying to find new friends? I never really try to. I mean, it just happens.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

You know what I mean? I don't actively go out and try to see that. Look at that guy right there. He's gonna be my friend, you know, like it's not, you know. What's wrong with you? That's taking it too too far, probably, but you know, I don't think I don't do that. Just friendships sort of happen, you know, as you're talking, you know, you meet someone somewhere usually for me, like if I'm thinking about it, like it's usually through like a work experience or something. I'll meet some person and then we'll just get chatting and um and then we'll become friends, you know, first acquaintances and then you know, regular friends and that that's what happens a lot, or else um school, you know, like like I still have uh a couple friends from you know high school and uh and that.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

So basically it is yeah, through a school or through your work or something. When I said that, for example, myself, yeah. But of course, you grew up in Saskatoon, yeah, which as we had discussed before, it is closer to the center of the earth that we are in here in Regina.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 3:46

So you didn't go too far, no, but you know, I came from the other side of the earth, and then um so for me I wanted to find France, and especially being a little bit of an extrovert, I like to have a lot of friends, even to this state. If I can have more, again, I will be more than happy to have. So do I actively sometimes try? I mean, at this stage in my life, not as much, because I have quite a few, but in the past, yes, I did. And what would I do for that? For example, yes, it was through a sports primarily, through running or playing soccer, ultimate frisbee, yeah, you know, volleyball, all of those things that I did.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Yeah, you just join like a team and then that's great.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

So then you just get to know people. But the question is so when you get to know these people through whatever source that is, a school or something, I'm assuming that you just in an organic way, you just are together and then with some you become closer friends, with some maybe you part away.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

Uh do you go through a kind of set of thought that you know how to filter or to see if there is a red flag about somebody? Not consciously. And I think we don't do that, often we don't do that. And for a good part probably it works, but at times no, because it's a random thing. Often, I would like to say that often people are good. But um, and often we are, we mean good ourselves. I don't think we mean bad. It's just that at times there are fewer people that are not good by nature, there are few, few and far in between, but they are the ones that they create a bad experience. Normally they say that uh one bad, you know, exceeds the ten good or something like that. So, and because of that becomes a bad experience. For me, the way that I see the red flag, for example, I said in the previous episode, one of the episodes that about friends, that I look, for example, first of all, that they are not your enemy, that you are not innovative.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah, I'd say that that's a pro that's a pre-prerequisite. It's a prerequisite, but you know what?

SPEAKER_03 5:58

We we do not we do not follow that though. This is exactly right. We talk about it, but we don't act on it. And uh again, you want to prevention, don't make a mess, you don't have to clean it up. That's basically that. So if as long as somebody is not bad, potentially it can be good, you know. Yeah, but if you see a few good uh uh quality in somebody, but if they have one of this a few things that I'm gonna uh mention, uh then potentially then they cannot be, they cannot be close friends, or they can uh sting you at one point. So one of them, as I said, if the element of being uh you know not being uh wishing you ill or wishing others ill, and it's not that somebody is bad to somebody else but good to you, I don't think we have something like that, or you're a good person, good well-hearted person, or you're not. One of the two. You cannot be good to me, but bad to somebody else. So if somebody is wishing ill on others, can potentially wish ill ill on us too. Right. Yeah, I remember talking about that. Yeah, be talking about that. So basically, I would just check to see that if this person that I'm becoming friends with, you know, are they wishing ill on other people? Right. Jealousy is another thing that you know, if somebody's jealous, of course, I've just to be very clear, jealousy and envying, envious is different.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Right, envious can be a positive thing. Correct, if you're in the right way.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

If you gain something, I wish to have that too. Yeah, that being envious, but if being jealous is that I wish you to lose it or wish you to go low or get harmed or something, right? That's being jealous.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

But envious, you know, is a normal thing. Yeah, if I see you succeed, I say, hey, you know, I wish I could succeed like that too.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:49

And it's okay. Um, but then there are some other things that they say in to uh in friendship that really are elements that if somebody has it, or if we have it, I want to make sure that when I'm talking about this, I'm not talking about others, we are talking about us. There is no others that you know that to see that other stuff, we are not having those uh uh characteristics that we don't ish, uh we don't wish ill on people, we don't we don't we are not jealous, right? As well as the negative negativity. Some people that very frequently we see this, you know. Unfortunately, it's more frequent than not. That for example, we are negative, we just look at the bad, not the good. There is one bad, we just keep paying attention to that one bad, but we don't look at the non-good, right? So that being having a positive outlook is very important. It's not just for the sake of becoming a good friend. And why does it affect the friendship? It's just for on your own sake, you know, that you feel better. And then how does it affect the friendship? It becomes draining. I don't know if you have been around people that they just talk about that, oh, this happened wrong, is that wrong, is this wrong? And then it just drains you at one point, it affects you.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

So so basically, you know, for myself, you know, I just I kind of avoid that. If there is somebody who has that characteristic, I may bring it up with them, depending on where the relationship stands, you know, to see if they can you know fix it. If not, to be honest, it becomes a bit hard because it affects me. But some other thing is that if a friend that you cannot be vulnerable with, and what do I mean by that? You know, if for example I cannot express my flaws, if they see, but we all have some um, we are not perfect, as I have discussed it before. I'm an exception, yeah. But you know, we have all this flaw. So if I cannot show my flaw and talk about it, and because they use it against me, which unfortunately this in some cultures are more than others in Iran that I'm coming from in the past when I was there, that was the case. So, for example, if you would go show your flaw, uh your friends would use it against you, and because of that, very frequently we would put a face up every time I'm the best, I'm the greatest, my family is awesome, my children are just perfect. You know, that attitude you would see, and it's partly because we didn't want to express other flaws, because if we did, somebody else would use it against us. So, in some cultures you see that a bit more. So, if you see that you know the pride comes in the middle, it's because we are covering something else. That is how that was my understanding, and the concept of privacy is another thing that if somebody cannot keep a secret conversation, secret. Yeah, but of course, if there is something secret, of course, all this said, I should say this too. I'm gonna just as a waiver. Myself, for example, sometimes I talk about my friends that say that you know they have this flaw. And then some that happens. That are you talking bad about them? The answer is no. Nobody's perfect. If, for example, I say this body of mine has this flaw, I'm not saying the whole person is bad. I'm talking about that that one thing is bad. It's that sometimes it can be mistaken. It's like the uh one of the podcasts that we were talking about said, the handling mistake. If you haven't, by the way, watched that or listened to it, please do the episode six handling mistake. I have these two friends that they they did genuinely wish me all the best. I know that. But they're best sucked. So it doesn't mean that they're bad people by any means. But in that kind of situation, they would not be the best to go to for advice. So because we all, and for example, I'm yeah, I can be good at certain things, but if you come and ask me, I don't know about something that I don't know, I can, you know, have the best interest in mind, but I might suck at it.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Right.

SPEAKER_03 11:57

You know, so because of that, I know I I said in that previous thing too, that uh podcast that trust comes at two levels. You wish the best for me, but at the same time, your best doesn't suck. Okay, right. So basically, when it comes to friendship, very quickly again, you want to see that if they are not wishing other people ill, if they are not jealous, uh they don't have a concept of jealousy, they don't have as much of a negativity in them, and they're looking at the more positive outlook because it becomes draining on us, and that you can be vulnerable with them so they don't use it against you. And then another, the last one would say it's a privacy. I'm sure there are other things too, but these are the things that they have come to my mind, you know, when it comes to the friendship.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

And that's lots of stuff.

SPEAKER_03 12:41

It is, but I would look at those things because again, I said, if first of all, I try to, I mean, this is I'm trying to do that to see people that potentially they cannot ruin a friendship or they don't become your enemies, or they don't act like one. First, I want that. Then after that, I would think about okay, what do we have in common? And because obviously with everybody we have different levels of connection. Yeah, for example, we get along very well in certain things. Uh, of course, we haven't, let's say, done any traveling to see how we get along in that one or you know, some other sports, you know, but of course, but uh you don't run, I do.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Yeah, well, uh I have run before, you know.

SPEAKER_03 13:25

But for example, so some of it I don't know, but again, because of that, I normally say this is a good thing to categorize your friends and put them in different categories, and when I say that, I would say it's a good thing to know, and then you know your level of expectation, and then before like you can you can say, Well, which if I'm gonna go say skiing, I'm not gonna invite my my friend who doesn't like to go skiing. I wouldn't be the one. I hate cold. So don't ask me. Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

If it was in summer, you you can ask just to be to be a nice, but you know they're not gonna do it. So that's correct.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

Right, that's exactly it, you know. So, and you know, it's not just that the sports, but you know, it's uh lots of other things, yeah. That to see with some people you're better off to work with, with the other ones to have a party with, with the other ones to, I don't know, get together and eat, because sometimes the eating habits are different. So, anyway, as long as you know one knows that you know um which friends are good, and you know, then you can experiment some other things. So the expectations are set so that you don't get disappointed. The reason I say this is important to have proper friends because when a friendship goes sour, which it has gone sour for myself in I'll say two episodes that I might put them in the different podcasts to say that it was a friendship that was very good, and I did something but with expectation, and then the expectation obviously was not met by any means, and I became so resentful. I just hated them, I don't talk to them anymore. It just went completely sideways. And the reason was again, as I said, the expectations were not set. Party was me, I believe party was them, and then that created it left a scar. So for a lot of years, I was a little bit more careful if I wanted to do something. So when I'm trying what I'm trying to say is that if something goes wrong, it's not just that you lose that friend, it creates a bad experience that that scar stays for a long time, if not forever. And sometimes we draw a conclusion on that, and then we come to the point that say, I don't want any friends, I prefer to have a dog and that's it. I think one reason is that that otherwise, you know, if if we wouldn't have those bad experiences, we would be more often more willing to leave the door open to experience something else, with you know to try to have some other friends.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yeah, I can see that. Um a lot of it has to do with you know just your personality as well, right? Your personality type.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

Yes, and of course, as we grow because our identity becomes more clear, we become pickier too.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:17

So, but at the same time, when I'm saying this, you know, I um as I have said it before, if now let's say you get to know somebody through work, through a school, through a sports, or whatever other other thing through other friends, you get to know them. I don't write people off quick. First, as I said, that I would look for these few things that are kind of red flag that I basically said, wishing people ill, jealousy, you know, negativity and vulnerability. Can you be vulnerable? Can you trust them? You would just look for those kind of things that it might take some time, you know, to realize that. But then after that, I would see, okay, what are the similarities that we have? And then um where can we, you know, meet that, you know, where can we gain on this in this thing? Because really it's a matter of gain. And when I say that, I'm not talking financial, obviously. I'm talking gain, it would be emotional, can be educational, you know, just having a good company, having fun, and those kind of things. But normally I say that I won't write people off that quick too. Because, as I have said before, if you don't like somebody, because you see them, for example, in a uh it would be bad start, if you write them off, then you don't get to see the other aspect of them.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Right.

SPEAKER_03 17:36

And then this way we lose a lot of good potential, you know, friends that we could have had that we don't. So because of that, they say if you don't like somebody, get to know them more. Yeah, you get to know them. If you don't like them yet, get to know them more. Chances are higher that you know you will see something good in them, and then you can connect at that level.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Yeah, but there's also people who like sometimes there's someone who I well meet or you'll see, and you just know that they're bad news, you know, and you just there's I don't know if you ever experienced this, but there's like a feeling sometimes like I'm like, no, I'm like, I'm not going to be around.

SPEAKER_03 18:19

Depends on what you're saying. The answer is yes. There are some of the things that are red flag. I as soon as you said that, I remember somebody that I met once, the conversation that he had, it just disgusted me from the get-go. And I was not willing to practice my getting to know them more. Because that one thing bad about them was good enough to write them off.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:44

And sometimes you just don't want to go that far, and that is fine. But as a general thing, I'm saying that you know, if you you get a vibe a little bit here and there, depending on the situation, you know, what they are going through, what you are going through, yeah, those things can be um, you know, can be affecting this. Myself, for example, I normally joke around, you know, quite a bit, and I have noticed this that sometimes people they misunderstand me. Till they realize, you know, I say this really with not a bad intention.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

So if they don't give me a chance, then they think I may not be cool or I'm not funny, but I am funny. But yeah, so they don't they don't give me a chance in that case.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

But I wanted to I've even seen just a way sometimes, it can be a way a person carries themselves too, and a style, and just there can be some sort of I don't want to be all weird, but I mean it can be almost like you get almost like an energy coming at you from somebody. And I'm not talking like crystals or anything. I don't I don't know why I say it that way, but that's the only way I can just just no you get the feeling I know what they're saying. It's like, okay, like just that's not that's not for me, or that person's not for me. I'm not I'm not gonna go in my way to be rude or anything to them, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to be like friends either.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

But you know, this is the thing. Again, you get a good vibe, sometimes you don't. Yeah. But I uh all these things said, I want to go very quickly. I mentioned this, for example. I have had friends that you know they have some of this with some of the friends that we are close and honesty, I don't know, you know, how many who has done good for the other party more or who has spent more. Yeah, with some friends, it's just like that. Yeah, because we have done so much for each other, especially over time. The history has added to it. It's just like that. On the other hand, there have had I have had some friends that, for example, one of them, he would not want you to get to know his friends. He was so he would feel bad if you would get to know his friends and you would connect to his friends.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

He would feel bad.

SPEAKER_03 20:55

Yes, he'd he be he would feel he's betrayed if you get to know his friend and then you become close with them, and then for example, he's not involved. Or or even if he is involved. Wasn't that jealousy? A little bit, I would say, yes, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Another friend of mine, um, a very good guy at multiple levels, but unfortunately, one of the things with him it was that we would go out every time he would play that smart thing that when it comes to paying, he would be a bit late, or he didn't bring his credit card or something, he would get you to pay. Yeah, you know, and then he didn't, then it just makes it kind of uncomfortable. Do you think you're fooling me? You know, what goes into your head?

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

You know, so because of that, with him, the relationship has become limited. I'm not going out with him. And the CP shows me he has his credit card and he can pay for. And this is one of the things that has become a little bit it gives you a kind of a yucky feeling that you're on guard and you what. Yeah, why do you do that? With some other friends, on the other hand, to be honest, I saw I I just don't know who has paid more or less. And it really doesn't matter because they're not a small they're small amounts, they are not big deal in the big scope of things when you look at the friendship that you have, the things that you can do for each other. I have a friend of mine, for example, she's honestly she's amazing. She has helped me for quite a few things, and you know, and I I I I should have felt bad, you know, and I thought that I should just pay her something. But she kind of looked at me, no. And then but then it happened that she lost her job. And then um, so it was an opportunity for me, and I tried to make up for some of this stuff. You know, that uh again, so depending on the people, but with her, for example, oh my god, I would do anything for her, and I would never even blink or calculate, are you kidding me? Because I know that genuinely she's and she doesn't have much money to be honest, but she's such a generous person altogether. And even the vibe that I get, as even right now that I'm talking about her, to be honest, I get a good feeling. So sometimes I'm bringing this up that if you are that type of person that we are trying to play tricks on other friends and things, it leaves a bad feel. Don't do that, you know. And if somebody does it, you can bring it up with them. It's not just the concept of the money part, it's just you lose a bigger thing, you lose a friendship that it can go way further. I should tell you this if it's becoming a bit long, but you know, it was some time ago. This is a kind of related and related years ago, you know, in uh we are in Regina Saskatchewan, which is we get a lot of snow and you know, then it melts and freezes and things. And then once I wanted to park my car and I saw this this uh rut that I was trying to very clearly, I was trying to avoid it when I wanted to park the car. So I came to avoid the thing, not knowing that it was slippery enough that all I did all my best, but then the car, the front wheel slipped, and then boom, right inside the ruts. And then it was a front-wheel drive, the car that they had, and it was not. I got to start. And then this guy with the truck he was going, he saw me. As soon as he saw, he pulled over, he backed up, he brought his you know, rope and things, he pulled me out, he told my car out. It was just amazing. And I don't I don't know the guy, I didn't see him again, but you know, he left me with such a good feeling that what an amazing guy, you know. Yeah, and then you know, a few years after it happened at myself, I thought that I was looking that I want to do something like this for somebody else. So, this is where I'm going. That then you get a bad experience, it's not just uh losing a friend or gaining a friend, it's the experience that opens you up towards doing the same thing. Yeah, and then a few years after, now this time I have all-wheel drive. And then I'm driving, and I notice again the snow. There was this lady who had got stuck, and there was uh the I couldn't park anywhere, so I just with my car just drove right uh kind of next to her in the snow. I parked it and then I went and pushed it out. Then she said, Can you get out? I said, Oh yeah, you know, but I'll do a drive.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

So, and then when I pushed that out, she was about to take off, and then she realized I have got a stuck. So she came and she was just laughing at me, and then all my ego thing was just ruined it for me.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

But the experience that you know we live, this is where I'm going with these things. Although that guy, God knows, was it what 20 years ago to be honest? To this day, then I remember I get a good feel about it, and I try to pass it forward. The same thing is that if you have a good experience or bad experience, then in friendship again it becomes that, that you don't want any more friends, or no, you just you know, you want to have more friends, and especially if you know how to spot the bad behaviors that potentially can uh you know ruin the thing. And because of that, by knowing somebody, it doesn't mean because I know them they're good.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Right.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

And sometimes we make that mistake that just because of the fact that we know them, they think that they are good or they're gonna be bad to others, but they're gonna be good to us. I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

No.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

So we have to espot those behaviors in ourselves as well as others, and you know, if it have that, you know, just to hopefully be able to make it better. So, all this said, again, the podcast is becoming too long. I don't want to go too further, but uh at the end, again, I would like to have this question for the audience that how do you make friends and do you really check for something to write some of them off? But again, to write them off, you should do you have the right characteristic, because if somebody gives you a kind of a bad wipe a little bit here and there, that may not be the answer. Which ones are the red flags, the main red flags, and some of them are not. Again, that's it's just based on the situation that you know um you might have seen them in a b at a bad time. And in all honesty, again, if you have more friends, I tell you, life is much, much, much, much better. So uh again, if you want to get hold of us, the best way is through email by info at lifeworkshop.ca. And for the most updated things, you can every time uh check the website lifeworkshop.ca, and yeah, I would love to hear what you have to say. So take care, everybody. Bye bye. Bye bye.