S1E15 Would you help me clean up?

People have different standards, let them decide what they need help with and how. After all, try to help people the way they want to be helped not the way you want to help. 

Often is better to take other's request/comments at face value, not base on the previous experiences, otherwise its like eating in a dish that hasn't been cleaned up, you get the previous food flavor in the new one. yuck!

Any change should be discussed and hopefully agreed upon by all parties, even if the change is for the better. 3 way communication is key. Repeat what you have been asked to do and wait for a yes/confirmed answer. 

Do you ask what and how you can help or simply help.
Do you ask for help for clean up and why?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Life Workshop where we discuss the forgotten basics. The topic of this episode is can you help me clean up? And as always, it is your most favorite host and co-host, Mo and Bo.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hello.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

So before we get started, Bo, I wanted to ask you if you go to a friend's house, let's say they you know there are several people there, and then at the end the host, you know, who is your friend, asks you, hey Bo, can you give me a hand, you know, to clean up? Would you?

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Yeah. I would have to because they asked you.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Okay. Um, so you wouldn't just volunteer it?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It all depends, I guess, on what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Okay. So when they ask you, would you just start helping out, or would you ask what kind of a help do you need and how you want me to do it?

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Uh usually you would just start doing some things, like say if it's like let's say cleaning up some cans or something, or bottles, or you know, cleaning some dishes up or something. Um you probably just do that on your own. But if anything, anything more than that, you know, you gotta start asking people what they want because otherwise you're not really helping them clean, you're just making more of a mess.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Yeah, and sometimes you just don't know how they like it to be done.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Oh, yeah, exactly. It's not it's not your house, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

And because this is the thing, you know, sometime ago I had, I mean, uh I should say the good thing is that I have a lot of friends and I have uh very frequently have friends over, so when I talk, share up some of their stories, nobody knows whom I'm talking about. I would say it was not about you, it was about somebody else. But I had these friends that they were over then at the end when they wanted to leave, you know. So, and actually normally they help. They know that you know I wouldn't throw a party simply and just do all the cleaning prior and after. I asked them to come and help me, both before and after. But anyway, so when she wanted to kid to help out, she started just simply going through the drawers and looking for something. I said, So what are you looking for? Then she was looking for some containers. I said, Well, the containers are in this drawer, and then she removes the containers, and then she starts, you know, because there were some leftover things that she just started putting them in those things. She never asked me, okay, what would you want to do? Because normally that was not the way I would do it. Of course, it's not a big deal. You know, I let her do what she was she wanted to do, but you know, the best way I would say it was if she would have asked, What do you want to do? This is this is the way that she's doing it, and um, sometimes these kind of things they become a bit difficult because I have had, for example, I have asked the same question from a lot of friends as well as clients, you know. Um that, for example, they said that some somebody said that I never asked for help, but at the same time I never you know give help because she's very particular about the ways that things get done. Or um some other people they really don't want anybody in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yep. That's that that's how I am. I I want you just to stay the hell away. Oh that's good. If I'm if I'm cooking something in the kitchen, just let let me do it. And another actually another share clean something else, just let me do it.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Yeah, another friend was saying that you know uh he had gone to you know one of the family members' house, and you know, at the end, when he wanted to help, you know, that family member said, you know what? No, that's okay. You don't need to, thank you. But he gets a little bit offended. I said, But you know what, if that's how he wants it done, then that is how they want it done.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

And that's funny, like how I like to do things on my own, right? And then people come in there and I get frustrated. I'm like, just get out of here, right? And then I don't help, like, say if like if you're at a family dinner or something, I don't go in the kitchen usually and start helping. That's me showing you like respect. Saying like you can do it on your own, you know? And whereas they someone might look at that saying, Oh, God doesn't even help.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

That's exactly you know that you know if you have different perspective on the exact same action. And the only way to fix it is simply by asking a question.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

You know, that for example, do you need help? And if you need what kind of a help and how do you want me to do it? But you know, otherwise, if you go randomly do it, you're doing it your way, which is not probably their way. And of course, um when I say about this thing, you know, again, it depends what type of help it is, because for example, I was at a friend's you know, big party and then afterwards I didn't even ask, but because, for example, there were some glasses and some beer can and those kind of things on the grass. So obviously he doesn't want them there. So I started picking them up, but then I was asking, where do you want them to be? Because some people they just kind of rinse the can before they put it in the thing, you know. I don't know your way, so you tell me what you want me to do. So, but you know, I just so sometimes I don't ask, but if it was that clear. But if it is not, then normally I ask that you know how you want it done, what you want me to do, and even how you want me to do it. Um, otherwise things can sometimes become uh frustrating. Again, some people are very particular in the way that they they do stuff. Now, another thing I wanted to share it was one of my clients was telling me that you know sometime ago he goes to his girlfriend's house and you know uh she's cooking, and then he asked that if he can help her. And then she says, Joe, can you just cut the potato? And then, well, he said, sure, you know, he goes to cut the potato, but then she says, he said she says, Oh no, can you cut the potato this way? So he gets a bit offended. He says, You know what? I know how to cut the potato. I said, But it is hair show, she wants to cook, just do it hair rays. So what's your problem? But it had become an issue between them that you know, but then this was the word that he used. He said, But not only she wants to teach me, she's controlling me. It's not it's not controlling you, she doesn't want to, and then or another word, sorry, that she wants to change me. No, she wants to change the cut on the potato, that's all she wants. So I shared that with another friend, and then she said, But you don't know the background story. Maybe there has been something which that is true. That for example, if she had blamed him for something else that he had done now, for example, that background, you know, story is there, and that is why he they took it the way that he did. Then I said, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

I I guess, but you you can't pull that into like your someone wanted to control you once in your life, you can't like bring that into everything all the time. That is granted, but you can't dismiss it either.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

So I This is the thing, exactly. This is the thing, you know. You we just exaggerated to make the other party guilty that she's the wrong one. But no, she just asked, cut the potato differently. She did not ask to she didn't want to change you, the whole you. Again, it goes back to that thing that we talked some time ago. In psychology, they say if you make a mistake or somebody that you like makes a mistake, then you say it was just a mistake that they made, or the mistake that I made, but I'm a good person or they are a good person. But if it is somebody that you don't know they make a mistake, normally you say that's the whole person that is a bad person and made the mistake. And sometimes in prejudice um uh Yeah, but they didn't make a mistake, they just wanted to do something a certain way. It's not a mistake. No, no, of course I'm talking not about, but it's just the psychology of that. If, for example, let's say you see a bad driver, then if if if it is your own, your yourself you make a mistake in driving, then say, Oh, it was just a mistake, I'm a good driver. Yeah, but if it is somebody else that you don't like or you don't know, then you say that's a bad person, a bad driver, and bad person. And when it comes to discrimination, it becomes even goes further, the whole nation becomes the bad driver. For example, I have heard this that they say the Chinese are bad drivers. I said, How do you know that? I saw one Chinese or the bad. That's all my proof. So 1.4 billion Chinese are bad drivers. Yeah, and this goes from the being just a bad driver to a bad person to a bad nation, the whole thing, you know. And sometimes we do it the other way around too. So, for example, if you find a fault in me, you say it, then I say, so you don't like immigrants, you don't like the whole me, and then you don't like my whole family and my whole nation. You know, we switch it, make it a bigger thing. Yes, that is how to put the other part at fault. It is done very frequently. I don't know if you have noticed that, that sometimes people they just make it such a big thing. No, no, no. I was just talking about that behavior in you, not the whole you or the whole nation and the whole continent, you know, it was just that part.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

I've won I've only heard of that on the internet. I've you know, like I haven't had that in real life.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

No, no, actually in real life, you know, um that happens frequently too. I have seen that. And but you know, but now back to the main topic, you know, as I said, then when this friend of mine said that, you know, but maybe there is a background story. I said, but you know what? This is the thing. If we take things, we don't take them at the face at face value, then this is the problem. It becomes like, you know, if you have a plate full of food and you eat it, and then some is left, and then you put another food in it, and then again, some of the food is left. So what I'm saying is the flavor keeps changing, uh, you know, mixing with the previous food. And then when the flavor changes, then you know the new food, you don't know what you're getting. Am I making sense?

SPEAKER_00 10:22

What are you talking about? Okay, are you making sourdough or what are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 10:26

It became sourdough. No, but I'm trying to say, if you don't take it at face value, and then you say that, or the thing that you said, I know what you meant, versus you just say, okay, the words that you said, I'm just taking it for face value.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

If you do that, then it's good. If you said that, you know, cut the potato in a different way, I'm just gonna cut it in a different way. But if there is a story behind it, oh, one day you said that, you said something, you know, that I'm not good at this. Now you think I'm not good at this one too. You just keep adding to it. Am I making sense there?

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Am I yeah, but the one one thing though is is giving instructions. Like, say, like cut the thing this way or clean up stuff this way, or do whatever. Like these go in the garbage can, these go in the recycle bin. You know what I mean? That's instruction. You know, it's not a criticism or it's not something about changing yourself or the way you do something, is like it's not the way you do something, it's like just one little thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

The way that you said is correct, but very frequently just this this morning I was talking to some friends and I brought the same question, and then one of the friends she said that no, you can't tell me how to cut it. I know how to cut the potato.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

You know what? I a friend friend of mine, like I I I when I cut cut things, say if I'm making a stew, I cut things in big chunks. I like big chunks of stuff in my stew, right? And she did not. She wanted them all small so that when you take a spoonful, you can get a little bit of everything. Everything. I I didn't I did not like that. And I tried, I tried really hard to cut things small, but they still came out like chunky, you know? And then I got and then I got I got yelled at for that, which is rightfully so, but I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

I tried, yeah, okay. Of course I said I'm the guy who wants it the smaller too, so I'm I'm with her. That's awful. So you're the other group.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

But it I I don't know, I think it's because I grew up that way, having the larger chunks in it, right? And yeah, I don't know. But again, it's nothing to do with nothing.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Yeah, at the end of the day, this is a small thing, sometimes they become a bit of an issue if it's and simply can be removed, you know, it can never ever become a problem. If we really take them at face value, also you want me to cut it this way, sure. I'm gonna cut it this way. If in a previous history we had, you had sent something, I'm not gonna take into consideration all that and say that you meant this. Not to make a big fuss about it, which actually people do. So I you know, the audience, please go and ask the same question and probably I'm sure you might have an idea already that you know, ask and you'll see that you know the variety of uh answers that you get. Some people really get offended. That you know, are you kidding me? I know how to cut potato. Don't tell me how to cut potato, it's a free country. I can cut it the way I want to. And if you don't want my help, I'm not gonna help. You know, they get really seriously. No, if you and this is what I'm saying, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

But wait a minute, you know, I mean, sometimes people like like a cubed hash brown or a shredded hash brown. How how would you know which one you're gonna make if you don't ask?

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Exactly, exactly. You know, that that is exactly what I'm saying. You know, they are running the show, just listen. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Yeah, it's okay to do it.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

It will not make you it will not make you the smaller person or uneducated. Actually, you have to follow. You should be a good follower. That is another thing. You don't have to be leading all the time. Most of the time, you have to be a very good follower. Just listen how they want it to be done, do it that way. And normally I say this I say help people the way that they need to be helped, not the way that you want to help, right? Otherwise, my help might be just a certain way, doesn't matter how what you want. And for example, one of the things was I had a patient when I was in Dubai, he falls and he breaks his both wrists from a I think a 10 foot height or something. And then he's in pain, and then somebody bystander that's walking comes and immediately try to help him to stand up by holding his hands while he's screaming. Yes, yes. This and this is the thing. Of course, now I'm taking you to one of one of the extreme situations that made obviously things worse. Yeah, you just of course, in this situation, you want to assess the situation. What can I do? You know, think about that. You just don't jump in immediately, unless if you're absolutely professional, you have done this forever, you know that it's broken and you know what to do. But most of the time you don't know. So you want to assess the situation every time you assess it. Now, when it comes to help, again, the same thing, you know, again, you ask them. Of course, I don't want to make it a big, you know, as as important as you know, falling and breaking your hand, but you know, just ask what kind of help you need, and then how do you want me to do it too? Because you know, um clean up, okay, the cleaning again, people do it differently. And even, for example, once years ago when I came to Canada at the beginning, I was staying with this friend, and then uh he kind of got mad at me and his brother that you guys don't help me, you know, clean the house. And then I said, okay, how do you want me to clean up? And he didn't tell me, just go clean up. And I'm new to the country, I was not familiar with the products in here, I didn't know how to use them, and he refused to tell me. So I go clean up, and then afterwards he gets mad that that's not how it should be done. It should be done this way. I said, just asked you. What do you want me to do? You know, so the concept of asking again, I would say, is a very important thing. It goes back almost to the same concept that we talked in that episode um, how to use a can opener.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Right?

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Would you figure it out or would you ask? Again, it goes, I personally believe just simply ask. Don't try to figure things out. It's a very simple thing. Can you imagine if you wanted to become a plumber on your own? Just go figure it out versus taking training. And if I wanted to become a physio on my own, I'm I'm not gonna ask, I'm gonna figure it out. Every time we would start from zero.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Yeah, those probably aren't very good ideas.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

If I'm I'm taking it a little bit to the extreme, but it just makes the same sense that you know kind of the same principle. Again, for the can opener, it's a simple thing, but if it's a bit of a complication to it, would you believe the can sitting on the counter when you're opening it, or do you the can opener is grabbing and holding that thing? They're two different things, and anyways, so as so it just goes back to the concept. But I would say ask question more, and then I should another thing. For example, I had one of my staff um uh a year ago or something, it was that she wanted to be nice and she knew that when I go to work, the first thing I want to make coffee, so she goes and put this curate thing into the coffee machine before I get there. And then, but another colleague of mine gets there before me and wants to make tea, so she removes that, throws it in garbage because things that you know, as usual, you know, this was a used one, and then makes her own coffee.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

And then when I went, I noticed that there is a curricul that hasn't been used but is in the garbage, and then I realized what happened. And I said, you know, but the intention is good, obviously the performance sucked. So the best way would have been that again, uh, you know, to ask and to inform. You don't make changes before informing the other party or asking actually for consent or for agreement, not consent necessarily, but you know, it becomes that three-way communication that we have talked about, that three-way communication, for example, says, Hey Bo, can you do this for me? And then you repeat back to me, do you want me to do that for you? Then I would say yes. To make sure this understood. Of course, I'm talking about more serious stuff, but again for the smaller thing, the same principle almost applies. You cannot just make changes randomly and then you know, before you know, informing others, and you know, things can go wrong. This is exactly how things go wrong, although the intentions often are very good, and then becomes a bit of a problem. But so, anyway, going back to the whole thing again, the concept is just that I would say ask for help and be open to following instructions, yeah. And it is not changing you, it is changing the cut of potato. That's all yeah, you don't have to make a big fuss about it. Again, take it for at the at face value. If they are asking you to do something, it is not an insult, and it is not that they are trying to control you or change the whole you, it is they want to change the cut on the potato. But uh, and actually, this is another thing. Would you ask your friends if you have a part in your house that to help you for clean up? No, I doubt it. You know, I I on the other hand, actually, I do, yeah. As I said, when it's especially a bigger party, there is no freaking way that I'm gonna do it before and after. Absolutely not. And because of that, actually, I have run a little bit into these things more that and then when they come, I would normally say that let's just plan, you know, which is silly sometimes to some of them. Say, no, no, let's just plan who does what, how it gets done, and then yeah, of course, for bigger parties, because I'm more of a tree hugger, too. Sometimes, for example, they throw a can that can be recycled in the garbage, and that doesn't go very well with me. But anyway, and I don't want really to do it on my own. You know, this is another thing. If it's a smaller thing, sometimes I do, but you know, um no. So, anyway, so at the end, so the question that I have for the audience is that do you ask, first of all, that what kind of help they your friends need and how you're gonna do it, and to make sure that the how part of it is the same way that they want, or do you just simply go and simply help? That is one thing. And then the other one is that do you yourself ask for help when you have a party, or just uh prefer to do it on your own? So these are the two questions, and you would be surprised to see that the how much of a difference you know are there when we do things. Again, at the end, remember life is simple, we make it complicated. Again, thanks for listening, and again, please remember to support us by subscribing as well as sharing this podcast. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye bye.