FINDING FAITH AND YOUR FIGHT

THIS WAS A SOLO CONVERSATION AS I TAKE YOU FROM MY PATH OF FINDING FAITH AND HOW I USE IT TO COMBAT PARKINSONS

Transcript

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Hey guys, welcome to this solo version of the Unshakable Podcast. My name is Tim. I'm your host. Um so listen, here's the deal. You guys know I'm very big into my faith. Um, and I'm trying to do my best not to push that on everybody, you know, like government. I know it's not for everybody, but sometimes you have to talk about it. And I've been getting a ton of DMs and texts, you know, for a long time now, asking me to just kind of share about my walk with faith and how I found it and specifically how it's helped me battle my park, it's but again, I know it's not for everybody, so if you want to swipe past it, I get it. But I like I said, I didn't want to not put this out and if it could help somebody, not have it be there for them. And that's why I'm doing this. Well, I printed out a bunch of questions, and we'll get to them soon. But first, you have to kind of understand before you can understand my story, you have to understand where it started. Um, so let me just take you to back down where this all started. With my diagnosis, um, I went down a very bad spiral of deep depression, anxiety. I tried my best to hide it, um, but I had three kids at home, I had three boys at home. There's, you know, there's no way around it. You know, it's only so long you could hide in your room, hiding in your own negative thoughts. And that's not healthy anyway. Um, all I kept asking was why me? What I do deserve this. I'm a great person. I know I help people. God, why did I deserve this? Um, I didn't even want to research anything. I didn't want to know what Parkinson's was going to look like. I went to some rock city classes and and I was not happy. Um, it was like an immediate look into my future or lack of future, and I did not like it. I I could tell you I immediately felt like Parkinson's was ripping the control of my my life out of my body the second I heard the diagnosis. Um and I started making some very poor decisions, you know, insecurities and fears will do that to you. Um that's not an excuse. Nothing's ever an excuse for for hurting people that you love. Um, but again, that's why it's very hard to get you, it's very important to get your mental health on right because it can lead you down bad decision making and a bad path. Um the next thing I knew I was alone. Um I knew I was a good person, I knew I was a giving person my whole life. I thought I was loved. But when I looked around, there was almost nobody there for me. Nobody. People just started going out of their way to hurt me and make my life as miserable as possible. It was like a 24-7 crucifixion. And I was burning, I was on fire, and people ran for me as quick as they could. And you learn a lot about people in those times. You learn a lot about yourself in those times. Um now, I've always been religious, but I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not gonna say I practiced my faith every day, and I read the Bible every day, and I went to church every Sunday because I didn't. But I did know that I didn't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I didn't want to feel alone. Um, because that's gonna lead to even worse thoughts and worse out, worse outcomes. So I started going to church. And truthfully, for the first time ever, I felt peace. Uh, nobody was looking at me shaking, nobody knew my mistakes, nobody knew my greatest accomplishments, and I was okay with that. I was fine with it. Um, it was even if it was just for an hour a week, it was a peaceful feeling, and that's what I needed more than anything. Complete strangers hugging me, saying good morning, getting me coffee, uh, telling me it's gonna be okay. And you believed them. Um they didn't, they had no reason to, they weren't like somebody that had to say that. They didn't owe you that, they just did. Um, I was hooked. I started praying as much as possible. I started paying attention to all the weekly messages and scriptures, and I finally understood a lot of them in a way that I just I never did as a child. Um, listen, I look back at it now, and this is how faith and religion should be. It should be fun, it should be relatable. Um, that's what's gonna make you want to do to practice it. And the one thing that I will never forget um, the first scripture that the pastor talked about in church, the first week I went, before he even knew my name, my story, was right here. Psalm 168. I keep my eyes on the Lord in front of me, with him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Call it a coincidence, call it stupid, but I took it as a sign. Here I am with Parkinson's feeling the way that I felt and alone. And the first scripture is talking about that I'm never be alone as long as I walk with God and I will not be shaken. That meant a lot to me. It woke me up. I was hooked. It was like the first sign, true sign that I've ever believed in. And I don't believe any of that stuff, psychics or signs. Now I believe in signs, faith signs. There's no doubt about it. And listen, you learn a lot about what's called surface faith. Um, because it wasn't just important to me to go to church. It's it's what are you taking in? Um surface faith is somebody who practices above the surface. You know, they they wear the shirts, they put the cross on, but they don't do the work. Um, they they they put out stuff on social media like sayings and they name their businesses, like like what was that movie? Um American uh Wedding Crashes, where they holy shirts and pants. But I laughed because you learn that he knows who's putting the work in. Um, and I learned I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot of things the hard way. Um, I learned that that all sins are forgiven a long time ago. Um I immediately started wanting to be the best version of myself. I would literally take stock of myself, and I still do, by the way, to every night to see mistakes I made during the day, where I could improve for the following day. I got rebaptized. You know, I put Jesus' uh jerse on. I felt renewed. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I found God or I saw him when I went underwater. I'm not I'm not gonna sit here telling you that because that's not my story. I firmly believe that God and faith are with you all along. It's just a matter of if you open the door and let him in. He will never leave you alone. Go read, go read the poem footprints. Um, but I still wasn't there yet because I was collecting all the programs and I was going to church and I was trying to show the people in my life that look, look what I'm doing. I'm trying to be a better person. Showing them all the weekly programs, and they still wouldn't believe me. Again, I was just in such a poor place with everybody in my life. And I sat down with my pastor and I said, Listen, I don't understand why nobody's believing me. I mean, you're showing them the programs. He said, When are you gonna wake up? He said, You have got a disease that's trying to rob you of control of everything, your life, your body, and you're giving the little control you have left to the people who are trying to hurt you that don't deserve it. Um, no one he said, nobody owned you. He said, if you're gonna give control uh to anybody, why won't you give it to your faith? Give it to your God, give it to somebody who you know is always gonna be there to help you. And he was right, that hit me hard, you know, and he and he explained to me how prayer a lot of people use prayer as a performance. And those are really the ones that need to find faith. He said, You have already done that. And it was just, I gave, I knew what that would matter was for me to give control of my faith. And it was so easy to do because nothing was working in my life, it was completely out of control. So it was easy for me to just say, Jesus, take the wheel. Um, because I'm messing this up pretty bad right now. And I did. And I I started realizing that things happen for a reason. When you're on your knees in your room begging for, I don't, I don't know. I I probably was saying I was begging for mercy, to be honest with you. Um, but he said, You're not done yet. It's not mercy. I'm teaching you something. And he did, and I'm such a better person for it. My life changed in a major way, major. And this is where like kind of the correlation of Parkinson's started. Um, and I could finally fight Parkinson's the way it with my head on right, the way it needed to be fighted, fought, I should say. Still haven't learned learning English yet. Um, because listen, I never accepted my Parkinson's. That's the problem. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, wondering why, why did I deserve this? But once I realized that there had to be a reason, and I might not ever know it, I was kind of okay with it. I kind of just accepted it. You know, maybe God put it on my shoulders to spare somebody who couldn't deal with it. You know, maybe it was to make me a better person, I don't know. But it definitely did. It made me a better person today. Maybe he thought I was in too much of a rat race of just punching a time card and providing and not enjoying life. That it was my way, his wife slowed me down. I don't know, I still don't know. But the one thing I will never ever question again, you'll never hear me question it, is why. And I think that's a big part of acceptance. You have to get past the why, why me. Um, that's only that's the first start, or the first step to start fighting Parkettes is acceptance. Because you could fight, but you're not really in fighting it in your head because you don't believe you have it until you accept it. Um so again, that was a big thing for me. It allowed me to accept my disease and start fighting rather than questioning it anymore, or anything in my life for that fact. I because I believed everything happened for a reason. That's what I mean by I started not caring what people thought about me, uh, not caring about the lies they told, you know, why they weren't even showing zero humanity or compassion for somebody with a disease. It didn't care, I didn't care. It was about my my relationship with my God and my faith. Um listen, if God takes people out of your life, he's obviously privy to conversations that you don't know about. And that's the same way he'll install people in your life too, because you know he knows you need them. So, listen, I know now through all the pain that I've had to endure that all things happen for a reason. I realize now that prayer should be your first priority and not your last resort. Gratitude is above everything else. Prayer is not a performance, it's not something to gloat about online. Prayers are heard in quiet times between you and your God. That could happen at church, it could happen in your bedroom. It's about the relationship, not about where you are. The funny part is that even though I was doing all the work and I finally started getting things through my thick skull, um, I just I couldn't get over a lot of the hypocrisy that was happening in my life. Um, it was just, I'm I would say to myself, you know, people that are throwing stones shouldn't be living in glass houses. Um, but again, it was just me caring about what people were doing to me and why they were trying to do it to me, instead of just saying, I don't care. It doesn't matter. Um, and you learn that God has tolerance for everything, he has a long leash for everything, but not hypocrisy, not people that are using his name, but not living in his way, in his manner. Um, but that he knows all that. And once you you kind of get that, you're just like, all right, God will deal with them, God will deal with the situation on his terms. I don't have to worry about this anymore. God sees for everybody. Um, I firmly believe that you're not judged on your worst mistake and you're not judged on your on your best accomplishment. It's your body of work. You know, when your day comes, you're gonna lay your crown at his feet and you're gonna be judged on everything that you've done in your life, good and bad. Anybody with Parkinson's knows that, especially with this disease, stress will kill you. Um, it's like a superpower. It gives superpowers to your to your symptoms. So you have to limit the stress as best as you possibly can. And faith taught me how to do that. Um, faith taught me I can't control other people's actions, I can't control their lies, I can't control their opinions. You just have to trust God and and He'll move people from your life again, from your life into your life for a reason. You know, you don't have to tell your side of the story, especially people that don't want to hear it. So once I started doing things like that, my mental health started stabilizing a little bit, and I started concentrating on my parkingists and my and my battle with that instead of the outside noise that was going around around my life. Um, I found this awesome Parkinson's community that helped me, um, just like the people in church. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. And I started feeling more love from complete strangers um all over the world that I've never felt before. And I started to build off those things. I started becoming an advocate for the disease. I wanted to start helping people. You know, church taught me how good you could feel helping people, and they're right. Um, the same way that they have helped me, everybody in this community and my church community, that's what I want to give back for the rest of my life. You know, I do that day in and day out. And this has taken me places that I've never dreamed of before, that I never would have thought possible in my life. Um, I just want to leave the world at a better place in which I found it, and I'm trying my best to do that. Um do I wish I could erase the hurt that I put on people? Of course. Do I wish that it didn't take Parkinson's for me to be this better person? Of course. But I I now I'm a big believer now that as long as I have faith, I will never walk alone. And that's important. You know, I practice my gratitude every day. I thank God every day for the things I have in my life. You know, for the people that I have in my life, for the children, for my children, that they're healthy, um, that they're accomplishing their dreams, you know, for the breath of my lungs, for the miracles that I now take time to enjoy, um, that my mind was probably always closed to um for a good part of my life. You know, I realize now that money is sale a necessary evil, um, but you come to this earth with nothing and you leave with nothing. The only thing that you're gonna leave forever is the impact you've made on the world and people. So concentrate on that. You know, I look forward to any church activities so that I could be part of it. I practice my faith every day. And the craziest thing for me, not just how bad of a person I am, but how I see now that there are literally signs there every day that were probably there all along, but I just was so close-minded to it. You know, once I gave up control to my faith, you know, my life has changed for the better. And I will I I quite frankly wish it would have happened a million years ago. Um, even on my hardest days, which are most, you'll never hear me question why. Um, I know I said that before, but I'm gonna reiterate that. That's a big thing. For me, that's a huge thing. It was the biggest part of my acceptance. You know, it's funny, um, somebody will always have it worse. You know, and I always laugh when people say, you know, I have nothing to be grateful for. How can I practice gratitude? Think about this. If you had somebody that was holding a hat in front of you, and in it it was little pieces of paper that had everybody else's problems around the world, and they said, You could keep your whatever it is, Parkinson's, whatever your biggest issue is, you could keep yours or pick one from the hat. Would you take one? You probably wouldn't. I'm telling you, you wouldn't. Because with me, even as debilitating as Parkinson's could be, something can always be worse. It's true, somebody always has it worse. And aside from waking up and having a heart that's beating and breath in your lungs, that is the thought that will always keep you grounded and thankful for everything you have. Alright, enough of my rambling. Um I'm gonna try and get some of these questions that I probably didn't answer in my ramble here, so try and keep it limited. Alright. Number one. Let's see. I know that you're you practice gratitude and you even practice that you're happy to be alive, but how can you not still resent the daily pain that you're in every day? Um here's what I would say to that, because it's it's a package deal. Um I've learned that any pain and suffering that I have is probably a gift in a way. Um, it's a lesson, it's something that faith is trying to teach me. If you're gonna be happy and practice gratitude for having life, then you have to be prepared for all of it, good and bad, uh, the pain and the enjoyment. You can't have one without the other. You wouldn't know what one is without the other. Um, you can't just pick and choose what you're gonna be happy for in your life. It's gotta be all part of a package deal. Um and I can promise you that a lot of the suffering I did were were life-changing events. It taught me a lot. Um, and that's what I mean by that. You have to you have to just take it all. It's all part of your deal. All right, number two, when did you realize and know that God answered your prayers? Um, I I think it's the way you pray and what you're praying for, because I don't think you should pray for anything. Um I think that's a big to me, that's the biggest mistake we make. I think we pray for things. We usually pray from a place of desperation as a last resort, usually for material things. Um, think about it. There's also a saying, right? Oh, all we can do now left, all that's all that's left to do now is pray. Wrong. And it's like we only believe in God if He answers those prayers out of desperation and gives us exactly what we want. Uh listen, God doesn't do things to you, he does things for you. So in those specific things that you're praying for, if you they didn't get answered, there's a reason. He knows what you need. And and once I started realizing this, that is when my prayers were answered. Um, because now, you know, I know my prayers are answered without even asking for them because I don't pray for things. I I know I know that he knows what I need. I pray for things that I'm grateful to have. Um that that if that makes sense. All right. Three, did you have do you have days now where you don't believe or give up on your faith? 100% absolutely not. Because the one prayer that I never asked for was the biggest prayer I received, and that was to be able to understand my faith and understand that everything is in God's hands for a reason and he has a plan. Um, listen, everything happens on his time. It's never early, it's never late, it's always perfect. Uh like I said, if even if you're suffering, there's a reason. If you're going through good patch, there's a reason. So I don't ever question my faith anymore. Um, because again, I I know everything happens for a reason. Do you still feel the do you still feel the worst for your diagnosis? Oh, I'm sorry, do you still fear the worst for your diagnosis? Alright, it would be easy for me to say no, but I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say say that because listen, there are days where this disease sucks, and that's mostly every day. And it's very easy to let your mind kind of run away with this disease. Um, you have daily pain and it's it's a constant reminder of what you're going through. But what I will say is that do I fear my no, because listen, fear is the absence of faith, in my opinion. Um, so yes, while I do have thoughts of how bad this could get, um, and constant daily reminders of it, I try my best um to just think that faith will give me the courage and strength to face whatever those days have in store for me. Um, but that's also why it's important to get a good, loving, genuine um group of people, you know, a good support system to help you. Um, a couple more. Is there a certain scripture that you love more than any that you live off of and preach every day? Well, listen, you know I love this one. Um, you know, Psalm 16.8. Um, I will not be shaken with the Lord of my right hand. But it's not so much a verse that keeps me um in tune every day. What keeps me grounded is believe it or not, the signs, because they are there every single day. Um, and every time I start to stray, I feel like a sign kind of comes in and beats me in my head and says, Listen, get back in your place. Um, I'll give you like a couple of examples of this. Like, like one, um, like I said, this disease has in faith has given me a lot of opportunities that I wouldn't have dared dreamed that I had. Um, and I think I've done some very good things that I'm proud of, which may not have been the case a long time ago, other than my children. But, you know, I would come back and I'd say to myself, you know, I just did a great thing. How come nobody's posting online? You know, nobody nobody's telling people about me of the great things I'm doing. And then I remember what Pastor said to me earlier. Who are you doing this for? Are you doing it for you or are you doing it for people to post stuff online and talk about you? He's right. It wasn't about that. So, you know, that was kind of his way of keeping me in check. Like, why are you doing this? Um, and then the other day, um, you'll see I posted a video where I was going out to watch the sun sunrise with a cup of coffee. I just wanted to enjoy the peace and listen to the birds, and out of nowhere, loud garbage truck shows up. And I was saying to myself, oh man, can't I just have a second to enjoy everything? And it was almost like God's way of saying, Listen, you don't get it, dude. I'm post- I'm doing this for a reason. It was almost like his way of saying, Life could steal your peace at any moment, but I'm here to pick up the trash and remove it. Just give yourself some grace, give yourself some patience and peace. Trust me, peace is right around the corner. Take the good with the bad. The wave will always crash and always rise again. Um, let's go with one more. What is the biggest thing that faith has done for you and that you want to do more of in your life? I would say um I would say I I would want faith to hopefully sink into my kids' hearts at a lot younger of an age, and not without the things that I had to go through to to wake up to faith. Um that's the biggest thing for me. Um again, I I I was always what I thought was a great dad. I I punched a time card, nine to five, I provided for my family every day. I I went to practice, I went to every game. But I wish I concentrated more on the emotional side of it, not just the clerical side of being a dad and providing. Um I wish I provided more of my heart. Or not I shouldn't say that because they they have my whole heart, but showed them more of it. Um more hugs because as they're getting older now, I realize those times, you know, they're far and few between. And I cherish them more than anything. Um, so I would say that. I hope that faith teaches them what's important in life. You know, not chasing the Almighty Dollar and the evil that's associated with it. I know it's a necessary evil to live, I get it. But take it for somebody who has Parkinson's, um all the money in the world they can fix me. It's not. Um and faith, the absence of faith is fear. And I don't want them to make some of the mistakes that they've made in their life, that I made in my life, because they fear things like I did. So basically what I would say is all the mistakes, all the things that I've learned the hard way at an older age, I hope that faith seeps into my kids' heart at a lot younger age. Um, and just let them know that listen, life is gonna take you on all kinds of twists and turns, good and bad. I can tell you firsthand that through all of it, my heart is full. I'm the best version of me I've ever been. And through all the pain and suffering, and good times and bads, and twists and turns, my heart is full every day. And I'm so blessed for that, and that's what I'm grateful for. Hope this helped some of you guys. Um, listen, as always, you know I'm always here for your DMs. Um, I love you guys more than anything. Talk to you soon.