What You Focus On Expands

What if the quality of your life has less to do with what happens to you and more to do with the patterns running in your mind in response to it? 

In this episode, Michelle explores a framework she's used in her mastermind groups for years — Focus, Meaning, and Action — originally taught by Tony Robbins as his Breakthrough Formula.

Michelle will walk you through how these three questions run on autopilot in your brain all day long, why that's quietly shaping your results, and how to start choosing your answers instead of defaulting to them. 

Plus, she issues a journaling challenge to close it out that will point your focus exactly where you want it to go.

Pull up a chair and let's get back to the basics!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hey y'all, and welcome to This Is Nothing New. I'm your host, Michelle Brooming, and this is the podcast where we drop the trends and we get back to the basics. And today we are talking about one of the things I think about all the time, which is the patterns of our mind. More specifically, this idea that what you focus on will expand. Now, before we really get into it, I want to ask y'all a question and just sit with it for a second. Have you ever had a perfectly normal day completely derailed by one small thing? Maybe your coffee order was wrong, or someone cut you off, or a meeting got moved, or a text went unanswered, and somehow suddenly your entire day is ruined. You're in a bad mood, you're snapping at people, and you're telling yourself a story about how nothing ever goes right. Why can't people just be smarter? But here's what I want you to notice. In those scenarios, nothing catastrophic actually happened. What happened is a small inconvenience crossed your path, and then your mind ran a pattern automatically on autopilot, and you just went along for the ride. And that's what today's topic is all about. We are going to be talking about the patterns of the mind. And if you felt a little personally attacked in those first few examples, that's not what that was. That was examples. We've all experienced that, myself included. So today, as we talk about the patterns of the mind, we're going to talk about the three specific questions that your brain is asking you every single moment of every single day, whether or not you're aware of it. But the goal is that once you understand these three questions, you can hopefully start choosing your answers instead of just defaulting. So let's get into it. We're going to be using a little bit of a framework today. And that framework is focus, meaning, and action. Now, your brain is always, always running through this cycle. And it does it so fast, so automatically, that most of the time you don't even notice it's happening. But it is running all day, every day. That's the pattern. And the reason that this pattern matters so much is that the cycle is quietly determining the quality of your life. Not your circumstances, not your income, not your relationships. Those things aren't the quiet force behind the quality of your life. It's this cycle, the cycle of focus and meaning and action. So let me say that again because I want, I really want this to land. Hopefully it does. The quality of your life is not primarily determined by what happens to you, it's determined by the patterns running in response to what happens to you. Now, there's a quote that I love that a lot of people who haven't gone far down the personal development path might truly despise. And it took me a little bit of time to sit with this and to really understand. But the quote is life is 5% what happens to us and 95% how we respond to it. 5%. The events, the circumstances, the things we can't control, that's the 5%. The other 95% is in your hands. It's in this cycle, this focus, meaning, action cycle. And a lot of people don't care for this quote because it forces you to claim personal responsibility for how you're responding to the things that happen in your life. And when I was very early on in my personal development journey, I hated this quote. I was like, y'all don't know me. What are you saying that I'm responsible for all of these things that have happened in my life? That's not fair. But the more that I went down my personal development route, the more I did the deep work, the more I realized that it was up to me to claim personal responsibility of how I'm responding to situations, the more this quote seemed to land with a bit more authenticity and in a way that was more relatable for me. So let's get back to the cycle: focus, meaning, action. Let's break it down. So the first question, the first piece is what will I focus on? So focus is all about where you choose to give your energy. And I want to be really clear about something, and that is that focus is a choice. Doesn't always feel like one, but it is. Now, I very much am an undiagnosed ADHD person. So all of my neurospicy, neurodivergent folks out there listening that are thinking, I can't control what I'm focusing on. That's not how my brain's wired. I hear you. And in a lot of ways, I'm wired that same way. My brain jumps around between focuses so, so frequently, so fast, sometimes it's hard for me to catch up. But I still have a choice in what I choose to get focused on. My mind may wander, but I always have a choice to bring it back. Now, the thing about human brains is that we it our brains are wired to scan for problems. This is a survival mechanism. Our brains evolve to look for threats, to notice what's wrong, to flag danger. And that was super useful when we were trying not to get eaten by predators way, way, way, way back. But in our modern life, today, those same mechanisms mean that our brain is naturally gravitating towards the negative, it's gravitating towards the complaining, the criticizing, the things that went wrong, or that worst-case scenarios. So if we don't intentionally redirect our focus, our brain is just always going to default to the bad stuff every time it's searching for those threats. But the thing to remember about focus is what you focus on expands. Maybe you've heard the quote, where focus goes, energy flows. And that one has remained very true to me to this day. So if you think about maybe your morning routine consists of you wake up and the first thing you do is scroll your phone and absorb everybody else's opinions and crises and highlight reels and demands. In that routine, what is it you're focusing on? You're focusing on noise, comparison, other people's lives, the most negative things that come across your feet that day. Now, if you think about focus, focus can shape our reality. You may have heard the saying perception is reality. The things that you perceive, the things that you focus on 100% shapes your your reality. It may not be the overarching global reality, but focus shapes reality. So to close up this focus section, the first question to start asking yourself super intentionally is what am I choosing to focus on right now? And is this focus serving me? So that's the first one. Now let's get into the second part of the cycle, which is the meaning. Now, this is where things get really interesting because once you have focused on something, your brain immediately goes to the next step in the pattern, which is assigning it meaning. So when you assign meaning to something, that's the interpretation, that's the story. And that is what your brain will attack onto in every situation. And so two people can experience the absolutely exact same event and assign completely different meanings to it. It happens all the time. That's how that's why people feel completely different emotions in the same experience. That's why people take completely different actions. Why they'll get different results. Now, let's come back to personal responsibility. It is your personal responsibility, as it is mine, for the meaning that we assign to things in our life. So really think about that. This can be such an incredibly empowering idea, even though it might not feel that way at first, but it's a place, it's a place for us to take back our personal ownership and our personal responsibility over the meaning that we're giving to things in life. Because it means we need to reclaim control of our own emotional state. When we intentionally assign meaning to things, we are also assigning the emotion that we feel with it and the overall experience of life we're going to have because of it. Because whatever meaning you bring to a situation is going to ultimately determine the emotion you feel. And the emotion you feel is going to determine how you show up. And how you show up determines the quality of that experience. So the meaning, this story you tell yourself in a split second, can literally determine the quality of your life. And the cool thing is that you have the power to choose it. Now, some of you may be thinking, but the meaning I assign is the truth. I'm not making up a story, I'm thinking things clearly. And I have certainly been in that situation before. So I would love to gently challenge that with some tough love. Most of the time, the meanings that we assign are automatic. They're those defaults that we talked about back in the beginning of the episode. The patterns of the mind are automatic. They're default, they're running constantly, quietly in the background. And a lot of them have been running for years. So a lot of these patterns we absorbed from our families, from our past experiences, from the little mind gremlins in our head that are running around wild. They feel like the truth, but a lot of times they're just interpretations. And interpretations can change. So let's walk through a few examples because we've talked a lot about this in theory. We've thrown a couple examples in there, but a lot of this has been theory. And what I want to make sure I always do for y'all listening to this podcast is give you some practical takeaways and some relatable examples. So let's get into some examples. Um, I'm gonna run you through four scenarios. And each one, I'm gonna show you the default pattern, that automatic version, and then I'm gonna flip it to show you what a conscious, intentional pattern could look like. Now, this is the same event, but completely different experiences. So let's talk about scenario one, which is one that thousands and thousands of people experience every single day. Scenario one, you're at the airport and your flight is delayed. So the default pattern is I'm delayed, which means my entire day is ruined. And because of that, I'm frustrated, impatient for the next several hours, making my traveling companions around me miserable and myself. That's a default pattern. And I know y'all have seen that pattern played out in real time at the airport. I saw it played out last week. But let's look at the conscious version of that, the intentional version, the exact same scenario. At the airport, your flight is delayed. Conscious pattern is I'm delayed, which means this is genuinely inconvenient. And now I have some unscheduled time I didn't have before. And because of that, I can catch up on something I've been putting off, or I can read that newsletter I've had say for a week, or I can make that call that I've been avoiding all week. Or maybe I'll just take this time to rest. It's not ideal, but it is workable. Same delay. One version, you allow it to ruin your day. The other version, you claim the option to turn it into something useful. You know, there was a time that husband and I were traveling back from Atlanta a handful of years ago, and we got to the airport. And I'm telling y'all, within like 20 minutes of getting to the airport, we got um a flight delay notification that our flight was delayed for five hours. Now, we're both personal development and leadership coaches, so we know all of the tools, right? We have all of the tools. And so what we did in this moment was we allowed ourselves five minutes of just pure complaining and bitching and moaning about it. And I did. I complained about how inconvenient that was. We were going to have to extend our dog's boarding stay, all of all of that, we just moaned for five minutes. Then we said, all right, that's it. Cut it off. We're not going to let this make ourselves miserable for the next five hours. So instead, we got a lot of steps in. If you've ever been to the Atlanta airport, you know that thing is long. And we walked the whole thing. We were able to get a full meal, sit down, have a nice meal. We didn't have to eat fast food. We got to do some reading. We chose to turn that experience into one of misery, or from one of misery into one of opportunity. There is a quote that I love that actually pops up on my phone a lot. And this quote popped up in this moment in Atlanta. And the quote is attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. And boy, was that correct in that moment. We definitely had to shift our attitude to turn it from an ordeal into an adventure. But we did because we had the emotional awareness to make that choice. And everybody has that choice when they're in an airport, which is one of the reasons why I typically remove all control the moment I step on airport property. My control over anything that happens is gone. Because I truly don't have a control over anything except for my attitude, my level of kindness that I show people, and my effort into making it an enjoyable experience. So that example got a little long because I could talk about how people show up in airports for hours. But let's move on to the second scenario here. Now, this is another one that I know a lot of people have experienced, myself included. So, this scenario is you share something you are so proud of. It's a win or an accomplishment that it's something that really matters to you. And the person you share it with doesn't really respond. They're distracted, or they give you a lukewarm, that's cool. Or they don't have the capacity to really process how big it is for you. And so they just gloss over it and move on to the next topic. I know many of y'all have been in this situation. So this scenario, the default pattern that runs is they didn't act, they didn't react the way that I hoped, which means they don't care about me. And because of that, I'm just gonna stop sharing my wins. Maybe I'm actually annoying. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe people are just getting overwhelmed with me sharing things I'm proud of and they find it annoying. So I'm just gonna slowly shrink away. On the flip side, let's talk about an intentional way to respond to that. An intentional way is they didn't react the way I hoped, which means they're probably distracted or they're dealing with something of their own, or maybe they just don't know how to respond. And because of that, I know it has nothing to do with the value of my accomplishment. And it has nothing to do with whether or not it's worthy of sharing. My wins are still wins. It's important to me, and so it's important. When it comes to scenarios like this, I like to remind myself to always assume positive intent. It comes back to the assigning meaning portion of this pattern of they didn't react the way I hoped. And then before I assign the meaning in this scenario, I am going to tell myself to assume positive intent. Maybe they're distracted, they're dealing with something of their own. Maybe I interrupted their flow. I am definitely guilty of that. Maybe they didn't know how to respond. It's something about them, it's not about me. So the action is to remind myself that my accomplishments and my wins are always worthy of sharing. And especially with this example, you will start to figure out who you can share your wins with and who won't get it. And you can start going to those people who will always encourage you and celebrate you. And if you don't feel like you have anybody in your life who will genuinely encourage you and celebrate your wins, y'all know you can always come to me. I love to celebrate people's wins with them. One of my core values is encouragement. And so if you come to me with a win, you better believe I'm gonna make it a big deal. So y'all always know I'm in your corner. Now let's go into scenario three. You're in traffic and somebody cuts you off. Default pattern. That person is an idiot, which means nobody follows the traffic laws. And because of that, I am unleashing my road rage, which means I arrive at my destination already heated, and people that were not even in traffic are about to get the brunt of my anger. Not an ideal, not an ideal reaction, right? So now let's talk about the flip side: the intentional pattern, the conscious pattern. That person did something dangerous, which means I don't know what's going on in their life. Maybe they're rushing to a hospital, maybe they're exhausted, maybe they're having a terrible day. Parentheses, this comes back to assuming positive intent, and parentheses, which means I'm going to focus on getting myself where I am going safely and let that go. All right. Listen, I'm not saying that you should never feel frustrated. I'm afraid that's what some of y'all are hearing is that you should never feel frustrated. So let's just get that out of the way. You are allowed to feel frustrated. The question is whether or not you want to stay there. Do you want to let a stranger's driving choice determine the energy that you bring into your entire day? Now, if it turns into an actual wreck or a crash, that's a different story. We're not talking about that in this scenario. We're talking about getting cut off, everybody is fine, and choosing whether or not to allow that frustration to continue. Quickly, let's do the final scenario. Scenario four. This is for all of my entrepreneurs and business owners out there. Scenario four is that a client cancels their contract with you. The default pattern is my client canceled, which means I'm failing. I can't do this. I suck at this. And because of that, I think this whole thing was just a mistake, and I think I need to quit. That escalated pretty quickly, didn't it, y'all? So let's talk about the conscious pattern, the intentional pattern. One client canceled, which means this is disappointing and it's data. How can I learn from this? Was there a mismatch in expectations? Did something break down in communication? Is there something I can do differently? And because of that data, I am reminded that one client leaving does not define my entire business. Now, the the default pattern in this last example of a client canceling their contract isn't just emotionally painful. It can sometimes practically be paralyzing. Because if all we think when a client cancels their contract is I'm a failure, there is no useful action to take away from that. But if you reframe it to, okay, what can I learn from this? What data can I collect from this? How can I move forward better from this? You have so many options for useful, valuable action to move forward. So patterns of the mind, focus, meaning, action. How can you actually start changing these patterns? Well, it all starts with one thing: awareness. We can't interrupt a pattern that we've never noticed. So that first step, and this sounds so simple, but it is genuinely powerful. The first step is to start catching yourself mid-cycle. So if you feel a big emotional reaction rising, just pause. Even for a quick second, interrupt that pattern and ask yourself, okay, what am I focusing on? And what meaning am I giving it? And you don't necessarily have to fix it immediately in that moment. You don't have to make yourself feel better in 30 seconds, but just notice. Give yourself that pause to notice the pattern. When you think about that noticing, that's the beginning of everything. Once you see the pattern, you can choose to do something different. That's why we always say awareness is the first step. But it's one thing to be aware, it's a second thing to take action from that awareness. So after you have noticed the pattern that you're running and you have become aware of whether or not it's actually serving you, the second thing I want you to do is practice reframing that meaning. This is not toxic posity, y'all. I will never preach toxic positivity. And if you think I am, call me out. Challenge me. So this is not toxic posity. We're not pretending everything is fine when it's not. What we are asking is, is there another way to interpret this? What else can I take into consideration? What other factors are at play here? And usually there's several others. The third thing is get intentional about what you focus on first. Y'all, your morning matters so much. That is when our brains are most susceptible to change. Something called neuroplasticity, which is a topic we will not get into today. But what you put in your brain before the real noise of the day begins, it matters so much. The first thing you focus on is going to set the tone for all of the patterns that follow. So at the end of every episode, you know, I like to give y'all a challenge. I want to give you something to actually do with this. Because as I said a few moments ago, awareness without action, it's not useful. Awareness without action is just interesting information. So here's your challenge. And I want you to actually grab a journal or open your notes app for this one. I want you to write down everything that you want more of in your life. Is it more love, more joy, more money, more gratitude, more laughter, ease, connection, confidence. Don't filter it. Write it all down. And remember, there is no such thing as wanting too much. So once you have that list, I want you to write down what you need to focus on to bring more of those things into your life. Because remember, where focus goes, energy flows. And what you focus on will expand. So if you want more joy, what do you need to start directing your attention toward to generate more joy? If you want more confidence, where does your focus need to go? This is the pattern working for you instead of against you. This is where you get super intentional and you get to choose. So here's what I want you to take away from today. I want you to remember that you are not at the mercy of your circumstances. You're at the mercy of your patterns, and patterns can be changed. So every time you catch yourself in this focus, meaning, action cycle and you get to choose a different response, you are rewiring your brain. You are rewriting outdated patterns. And you're proving to your brain that there is another way to move through the world. Now, it's not going to happen overnight. These patterns have been running for years. And if this is the first time you've thought about that opportunity to choose the patterns, it's going to take some time. But every single small conscious choice you make that can interrupt that old code a little bit more is a step forward. And over time, all of those hundreds of small moments of choosing the patterns you want to run, you will be shifting the quality of your life towards better. I'm not saying your circumstances are necessarily going to be different or that it's going to get easier, but it's because you are different. You are choosing to rewire your brain. So remember, what you focus on expands. And this is nothing new. It's just a reminder to get intentional about what you're choosing to focus on and what is expanding because of it. Thank y'all for listening to This Is Nothing New. I'll catch y'all next time.