Almost Funny with Judson Veach

Committing to the Bit w/ Rob Wentz

• Judson Veach • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Comedian Rob Wentz joins the pod to discuss life in the service industry, stand up, and getting swole!

SPEAKER_05

I've been trying to figure out how old you are for ever since I've met. You're like a vampire.

SPEAKER_03

Do you really not know how old you are?

SPEAKER_05

I have no idea how old you are. You could be Judson. I know that you have like a wife and kids. You could be 25 or you could be 45.

SPEAKER_03

I wouldn't be able to know. Okay, so the way you're gonna narrow it down is you were gonna ask me questions about my past.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you had you so VHS? So you remember VHS. Totally remember VHS. Like at what age do you stop? Like, what was the last thing you watched on VHS?

SPEAKER_03

Monsters Inc. Monsters Inc. was the last thing. We remember we we were deciding between buying the DVD and the VHS, and like the VHS was seven dollars cheaper or something. And in our heads we were like, why would anyone buy a DVD? Yeah, yeah. We're gonna watch Monsters Inc. on VHS.

SPEAKER_05

And VHS, Craig Row, you had to rewind it, right? Like when you were done, you had to rewind it. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Wait, if you don't get me, you're asking, so this is giving me a sense of how old you are then.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Well, I remember VHS, but I was never old enough to have to like do it.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, I remember it being around though. So we'll we'll get a couple of questions, VHS-related questions, and then we'll both guess each other's age. Yes, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. So Monsters Inc., what is the last VHS you remember?

SPEAKER_05

It was probably like Prince, like what was the one? Princess and the Beast or whatever?

SPEAKER_03

Princess and the Beast. Hayden, help me.

SPEAKER_05

What is that? Yeah. Uh Beauty and the Beast? Beauty and the Beast.

SPEAKER_03

There you go. Princess and the Beast. Princess and the Beast. Beauty and the Beast. That's so funny. I'm like so in the trenches. I didn't even think Beauty and the Beast. I thought like this is some like dark mystical fantasy that sounds awesome. That like, you know, deep cuts off from Disney that I've never heard of.

SPEAKER_05

Beauty and the Beast, but like I didn't like purchase that or anything. It was just around. So I remember it being around. I remember that movie being around that it had the special little case that you would like put it in that made it look like a book. That's what I liked about VHS, is they all look like books. Which I thought was made me feel smart. I go, I'm kind of reading. And then can I ask one follow-up to help give me some context?

SPEAKER_03

What what would be like uh a logo or a graphic on a t-shirt you would have been wearing as a kid while you were watching this?

SPEAKER_05

Whatever my mom put me in. Um maybe I think I'm probably into Spider-Man.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, Spider-Man, ooh, that's very easy to do. Probably like Spider-Man, yeah. Like I'll give you one to help. Okay. I wore endlessly a my a black Michael Jordan Bulls jersey. Okay. That's like all every picture of me growing up is in that jersey.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, really? Okay. So and were these pictures like like they put a hood on and you know what I mean? Or or what were we we're talking, you know, disposable.

SPEAKER_03

A lot of disposable photos. Do you have a lot of disposable camera childhood photos?

SPEAKER_05

I have more digital. Oh. More digital. There are some disposable for sure, but I would say more digital. Also, though, in my family, we moved a lot. So those disposable cameras, they got they got lost. I have a lot of pictures, I have a lot of pictures of other family members on a disposable camera. I was more digital, and there's a time frame where I got lost on the disposable and came back on digital. The lost rod years. There's some lost years in there. I'm ready to guess. Okay. Do you want to go first or me first? Uh, you go first. 28. Boy, pretty close. Pretty close. I just turned 29. Oh, that is close. When did you turn 29? June 4th. So just a couple weeks ago. I mean You're pretty much right. If we were doing closest without going over. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I'll guess um for you. I'm gonna go thirty five. Thirty-four. Thirty-four. Okay. Yes. All right, dang. All right.

SPEAKER_03

We nailed it. So we got pretty good there, yeah. All right. A good way to start episode seven of the almost funny podcast.

SPEAKER_05

We were almost funny that whole time.

SPEAKER_03

That whole time we were damn near funny. That'll all get cut. Um episode seven of the almost funny podcast. Today's guest, uh, the 2024 Nashville's funniest comic winner. He's a regular at Zany's, uh, and he's looking jacked as hell. Please welcome Rob Wenz. What's up, big dogs? How are we doing? That's good to be here. Good to be here with you, man. Struffy little puppy, Rob Wentz.

SPEAKER_05

Hey, dude, bark bark, dog.

SPEAKER_03

You know, just out here. Oh man. We uh I I liked what we were getting into the other day. We were at some open mic and we were just chatting. Um, it was like pseudo stand-up. It was a lot of like online stuff. That comes up a lot on here. Um, a lot of people that watch this will know me from like making videos in my car. Right, right. I've been subtly, I feel like encouraging a lot of people, but you in particular, to just like make videos of you being funny. Yeah. You're one of the funniest people just to hang out with. Thank you. Especially when the the setting is appropriate. Yeah, yeah. When it's like, hey, this person is supposed to be the center of attention. Yeah, yeah. You are great at absorbing the energy of what's going on and making it like the funnest atmosphere. Well, good. Thanks, man. Yeah, I appreciate that. And how do you get that into a phone?

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. Yeah. But trying to figure it out. I've been I've been recording, I've been recording some stuff. Um and so far, my OnlyFans has not really, it hasn't picked up, but we are trying. We are trying, but it hasn't picked up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Anything waste up that you've been shooting?

SPEAKER_05

Um well, my OnlyFans is only waste up. It's just nipples. It's just male nipples. So it's not even doesn't need to be on OnlyFans. It could be on anything.

SPEAKER_03

Have you had a video that you feel like this actually worked, whether it went viral or not? You made it and you go, I like the way that turned out. Uh yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_05

When I made a video, I made a video that was uh like Yoda getting arrested for a DUI that went. Love that, like really well, like what super viral.

SPEAKER_00

We got a call that somebody was sleeping in their car. Resting eyes, I want. Have you been drinking, sir? One, maybe two, two beers. I see a couple beers just in the front seat here. These are medicinal, provided by Windu himself.

SPEAKER_05

And when we were doing it, I'm like, I there's like I there's my idea, and we filmed it, and it was funny. And then we tried to make a couple more and they didn't work. They didn't get you know that thing when like one video does really well and then the next one doesn't do as well, so you're like, this don't think stupid. Yes. And then we just stopped doing them. Oh, we should have just kept doing that. Because now I see other people doing the exact same thing that I did. Oh, yeah. And I did it first, and then they're also like those videos are doing. I'm like, oh, I should have just kept doing that.

SPEAKER_03

You you tried Jesus DUI. I thought that was clever. Yeah. The the best thing about they they've had some videos come out of this study that have this phenomenon. You don't know right at the beginning if it's real or not. Yeah, exactly. That really helps. Super helps. Um, and you did a good job of you know, you're doing jokes, but when you don't make it overly jokey jokes, and it feels like, is this a guy who's really in the situation who thinks he's Yoda, right?

SPEAKER_05

Well, the amount of people that were commenting on there and they were like, I can't believe this piece of shit had his kid in the backseat. It was all real. They thought the whole thing, the the kid, we do a close-up of the kids, a stuffed animal of a baby of Krogu, of baby Yoda from Disney Plus, and they're like, This son of a bitch left his kid in the backseat.

SPEAKER_03

I'm like, it's not a real, it's it's a stuffed animal, it's not real. It's wild. And here's the other thing when you're it's like you look at the comments, read the comments, whatever the comments, the self-selection process of people that comment at all. Yeah, you're already getting a very particular kind of person. Yeah. Think about how often you actually comment on something of a person you don't know.

SPEAKER_05

On Instagram, not as much as on LonelyFans, but still, yeah, for sure. I well, the thing that's crazy. I have a video right now that's doing pretty well. It's a stand-up clip of me about Scooby-Doo. I have this joke about Scooby-Doo, and people are commenting on it and they're like, actually, the Venom is committing all kinds of crimes, and they're-I mean, they are fighting in there. That's great. They're getting after me, and I'm commenting back too. I'm letting them know. I'm like, well, you shut up, and then they're coming at me and it's getting more and more views, and I've got like 200 followers from that video of video.

SPEAKER_03

Well, that was uh McComb's episode we just did in here. Yeah, I I made some mistake about how I described something with hockey. Oh, yeah. And people were pissed, but then they they comment. One minor mistake. Have you heard Mark Norman say this when he's gonna go uh do a tour somewhere? He'll misdescribe the neighborhood on purpose so that way people will comment. No, actually, it's such and such neighborhoods. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's like, Yeah, I know that. I just like promoting a show is hard. Right. But if you get a thousand people commenting, you're a little bit wrong. For sure.

SPEAKER_05

And also the algorithm just gets boosted up too so much whenever they're like, I mean, I'm like, I I want people to comment on all my stuff saying whatever they want about me. I don't really care. Yes. You know what I mean? I I have like, you know, I have a girlfriend and friends and stuff. Like my life's pretty good, you know? So like I whatever they're saying about me on there, I'm like, I'm like, as soon as I put the phone down, I go, Oh, oh, you already pretty good.

SPEAKER_03

You seem you seem pretty immune to the negative. Is there a type of comment or a type of comment even in person that you feel like is your sensitive one? Because I have some.

SPEAKER_05

I wouldn't say in person, to be honest with you. It's very weird. In person, okay, because I can I'm very good at reading body language and the way people are. I can kind of be like, oh, fuck you, whatever. You know what I mean? Online though, when people are like, I had someone comment, they're like, this guy's doing a Shane Gillis impression. And I'm like, I'm not that I because there are comics who do that pretty bad. There are. I'm I would say that I'm not doing that, that, but everybody sometimes can slip into an impression of a comic if they've watched a lot of comedy, it can happen. But like when it's a video where I'm so not doing that, yeah, yeah. I commented back and I tagged like uh the state of Israel, and I was like, this guy's trying to build nuclear weapons. I was like, I was I was I hit him with the big guns. He deleted the comment.

SPEAKER_03

They got him. That's a good one. Yeah, saying you're like somebody else, I I forgot about that. Not funny. Just commenting not funny. You know, the not funny, maybe uh I've broken through that. That one never gets me. The one that does get me is when they comment about the performance of the video or other videos early when I was starting, and I only had like one or two viral videos. On one of the viral videos, somebody wrote, Man, this guy did one video and everything else is a wasteland. And I was like, You went through my profile, looked at the view count, and then came back to this video and was like, Yeah, this one might have been good, but the I saw you have some 4,500 view videos, you stink.

SPEAKER_05

Imagine if someone did that in like their everyday life. They just walked around with them, they're like, Man, you did that one thing at work that was good, but the rest of your stuff sucks. You'd be like, no one stop doing that. What are you doing? That's you know, the internet, that's why people be like, like, I like to work out. And I had someone who was like, Why don't you like make out some workout videos? I'm like, because I don't want everything I do to be for the internet. Like I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

You know how you know how annoying it is? That's also like, I don't think anyone's gonna buy tickets to my show because my biceps look good. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03

But hey, if you want to come to the show, come out, baby. Come on. You have been putting in some time at the gym. Yeah. There was a turn, I would say about nine months ago. Yeah. I track your body pretty pretty close.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, well, it's because the OnlyFans.

SPEAKER_03

Come on. You stay in touch, I message.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I uh I slowed down on the drinking a little bit, and then I was like, Yes. Well, actually, I started worried out first and then I slowed down on the drinking, and then that's kind of when I was like, oh yeah, if I just drink all the if I drink too much and or like constantly, it's just no point in even going to the gym.

SPEAKER_03

You get nothing out of the gym.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. So once I slowed down on the drinking is what I kind of are you fully off the sauce right now? No, I quit for like six weeks, and then um I started drinking again just because it was too hard to be around, just too hard to be doing around comedy stuff and everything else to like just be like totally sober, but I just don't I try not to drink as much. Sometimes I still get sauced up, it happens, but yeah, but I'm just like to before I was just like, I mean, you know, I was getting hammered like all the time. It'd be I could be getting hammered on like a Tuesday for no reason, yeah. And then wake up on the Wednesday and just be like, uh, and grab a beer and then go to work. Yes. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03

Like just it was insane. Well that kind of segues us into, I would say, our main topic, which is I feel like you you've made your bones and your living doing a lot of service industry. Yeah, for like most of my life, yeah. Um and getting kind of like a peek behind the curtain into that world. I I feel like people give uh me flack for this, not like me in particular, but just in general, they go like if you've never worked retail, you never worked in the service industry, they're like, then you don't know.

SPEAKER_05

No, that's just people who are who wish they weren't doing this. I see if you've never done a really shitty job, then you don't know what it's like to do a really shitty job. It's like, well, yeah, but why would you want to work a shitty job? What are we talking about? I'm like, congratulations, brother. You know what I mean? I don't want to do this shit either.

SPEAKER_03

But it is, it's like a culture and it's a world.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. But I don't like here's what I don't I don't like the Bourdain people who are like, or like the bear. You know what I mean? Where they're like the glamorize, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, you know, it's cool to be a cook or to be a sh I I know all the different types of wines. I'm like, just shut up, dude. Shut up. You know what I mean? But I bet if I didn't have stand-up comedy, I might be more like that. But I'm like, I'm here to how much money can I make? And can I be done by 4 p.m.? Yeah. And can I go do what I want to do? And like, I don't care. I just want to sell as much shit. I'll get you so drunk, I don't care. Like, I don't like, you know what I want you to drink? Bushlight, a bunch of it. I don't need to sell you some fancy shit. I need to sell you a lot of really shitty stuff.

SPEAKER_03

What's the best case scenario for making money as a server?

SPEAKER_05

Um, in my opinion, I mean, like, some people disagree. Like, some people think fine dining is really good because you don't have that many tables. Okay. So you but you but your ticket price your ticket sales are really high. But you simply don't have like a huge like section. Okay. Because you're supposed to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03

When you say tickets, you mean like what they're paying per table.

SPEAKER_05

Per table, yeah. Yeah. So you're like your sales aren't are like super high when you're at a fine dining place. You know what I mean? Because you're just gonna rack up a tab and then they're probably gonna tip you because like if they wanted to go there, they probably have money. But um, I just get I don't I don't really I don't I don't like rich people, so like I just don't and that world is just not I don't understand it. You know what I mean? Sure. I'm like it just doesn't resonate with me. So I want to for me, I want like a dive bar. Like when I bartended, okay. If you can bartend at a place that is just like really busy, yes, and just like a lot of one-on-one drinks, like you know, rum and coke or like beers or like just a simple cocktail, like an old fashioned or Manhattan or something, and you're just pumping out a whole lot of that. For me, it's like volume. Just do a high volume, high volume, don't remember any faces. Yes, I don't really know who you are. I mean, like I'll eventually, you know, if you're in there a lot, I'll get to know you and I'm personable and stuff, but like when I leave, I don't have to be like think about anything. I'm just like I'm gone. That sucked, but I'm done, you know.

SPEAKER_03

Isn't it a little bit like comedy, the culture? I feel like there's kind of like this man of the people style culture. Yeah, it's a party atmosphere.

SPEAKER_05

It's definitely a party atmosphere. It can be a party atmosphere. Yeah. Which is what I like. I like the party atmosphere. I like the like I like working at sports bars and having like a game on and like I'm dropping off beers, I'm kind of talking shit to my tables a little bit. Yep. And they like that. They're like, oh, this guy's funny, this guy knows the game, you know, we can talk about the game a little bit. Yep. And uh I don't have to like get too deep on anything, and then yeah, I'm just giving you as much just like buckets of beers at a time and just trying to keep it rolling.

SPEAKER_03

Have you had like disasters?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've had some bad I've had I haven't had like a lot of bad jobs, but I've had some bad experiences with things. Just like tables that were just like every day someone comes in and they just don't know. I think they just walk through the doors and they don't know where they are anymore or something. Yeah, like all of a sudden they're like, How does anything work? You know what I mean? And the older they are, the worse that gets. Like old people come in and you can be really busy and they're like, why is no one helped me? And I'm like, Well, you're standing in the middle of the restaurant, there's a sign that says go to the host stands, and you're just standing, you came in the back door, there's a sign that point like points and tells you where to go. Yeah, and instead you're gentle you're interrupting me while I'm at the fucking computer trying to put stuff in, and you're like shaking me. And I'm like, hey, I don't care that you serve in Vietnam. I'll knock your ass out. All right. I'm not doing this shit today. I'll you better take your teeth out before we fight because I'm a I'm gonna fuck your dentures up. I'll wreck you. Exactly. I don't care. You don't even tip good, so you better come collect, you know. I think you'd do great in fine dining, Rob.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah? I think you bring that attitude. I'll knock your fucking teeth out.

SPEAKER_05

Hey, bottle, you want to go for a swing, eh? You know? Dude, well, my my family grew up. My my mom owned a uh restaurant, my sister owned a restaurant in New Orleans that did really well. Okay. Yeah, when I was like 12 years old, I was in the kitchen of a restaurant, like poking blueberries uh to make like a certain drink they had, like needed dehydrated blueberries, so you had to like poke a hole in the blueberries. Okay. And so like I just spent like four or five hours a day poking holes in the blueberries, and they give me like a hundred bucks.

unknown

Oh.

SPEAKER_05

It's a pretty good gig if you can get it. It's it was bizarre, it was fun. It was my sister's restaurant, it's chilling. Blueberry poker. Blueberry poker, professional. Rob went, blueberry poker. Call me for all your blueberry needs.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's crazy. Um I got a game I lined up for you on this topic. All right. We do blind rankings on this show a lot. I love it. Uh, you know how the concept works. I'm gonna have seven things that I throw at you. Okay, and you're not gonna know what's gonna come next, and you have to rank them. And Hayden, if you can help me keep track of them, seven is like the max I can keep in my mind's eye.

SPEAKER_05

And I've never I've only seen this on on the where the graphics are already up. So we'll we'll keep you on the railroad. Can I point and pretend I'm gonna point and this is what it is? Yeah. We'll we'll do that.

SPEAKER_03

You know what also is like I have started to realize when we do these, I'm cutting so much. Like, I we can just stand here and you can like say anything, like fart, you can do whatever, and then it just doesn't make the episode. It's like so easy to cut around it when you're like, well, I'm the one in control of everything, yeah. I'm just like, literally do whatever. Like take a shit on the table. Nobody it just won't be in the episode. Yeah, yeah. I mean, unless you can make it great, we'll leave it for sure. It'll just be a giant shit here later. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so I'm gonna I'm gonna lay these on you one at a time and you'll blind rank them. Okay. This is uh as the server, what's most important for working at a restaurant? Most important for working at a restaurant, okay. Yeah. What's most important for a server working at a restaurant?

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

How good the food is. Seven.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Actually, doesn't matter. People eat dog shit food every day. And you're working there, it doesn't really matter to you how good it is. I don't care.

SPEAKER_05

Aren't you stealing a little on the side? Don't you care if it tastes good? Stealing the food? Yeah. No, I steal the ingredients so I can cook at home. Ah. You know, many times I've been to a restaurant and be like, oh, I do need lemons. And I'll just go back and grab. I'm not stealing like milky would get caught. You know what I mean? Okay. And I'm not stealing like even my if my manager hurt, they wouldn't really get it. Yeah, yeah. But I'm like, I do need to make a thing. Let me grab like two lemons. One life gives you lemons. You make, you know, uh normally a buttered lemon sausage or something like that.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, good. When you steal lemons. Yeah. Um, next out the shoot. How chill the manager is. Oh man. Okay. That I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go one. Wow. One. This is one. You have such an alcoholic personality. Yeah, you're like seven. One.

SPEAKER_05

You are a server, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I the worst is if you get someone uptight, they're the worst. I hate that. Yes. I hate that. It makes your whole day bad, and then everyone else who's working there is having a bad time because they're like, fuck this guy. This place sucks. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, one. I wouldn't believe that. How chill the manager is, one, how good the food is, seven says a lot about me. A lot about like my priorities.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's great.

SPEAKER_05

As the server, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Um, next out the shoot, how close the place is to your house.

SPEAKER_05

Depends on how much money I'm making there. Um I'll go four. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

That feels fair. Four. Uh right in the middle there. Uh this is you can interpret this how you want. How busy you stay. Okay. Probably two.

SPEAKER_05

Because that affects how much money I have.

SPEAKER_03

For your money.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I need to make money, and also like how busy I stay is like kind of the flow of the restaurant, too, is important. So like I want to stay busy when I know I'm supposed to be busy, and then I want to stop being busy when I know when it's like about time for me to go or when or when we're closing. Yeah. So yeah. How how as a flow of the restaurant, how busy we are, yeah. Very important. If I was, if I yeah, if I wasn't such a uh like I don't if I cared more about restaurants, that would be one.

SPEAKER_03

Uh-huh. But there is, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um all right. Next out the shoot, the type of customers. Three. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like it. You don't necessarily want it to be a fine dining club.

SPEAKER_05

I don't I don't want people to stick up their ass. Yep. Yeah, that could be two, honestly. Yeah, three.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So managers chill. If the customers are chill, that helps. Five and six left. Okay. Um how cool the other servers are. Six. Okay. Yeah. You keep to yourself. And if you're not going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_05

No, I mean I I ever I'm gonna I get along with everybody at my work, but like, if I don't like you, I don't care. I have other I have other people in my life. I have other friends? Yeah, yeah. We're not here to make friends. No. I'm here to make money, and then if we are friends and we're gonna get a drink afterwards, sick. But if not, like, I'll just make you quit. I'll just make fun of you. Eventually you'll just be like, all right, this guy's like that's amazing. You want to play hardball, we can play hardball, all right? That's good. So this leaves number five open for us. All right.

SPEAKER_03

How drunk you can be on the job.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's probably yeah, it doesn't I'll be drunk either way, so it doesn't matter. Don't even need to put it on the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. No matter what. But I did work in a place where you could drink on the job and it was kind of encouraged a little bit. I won't name the place, Love and Exile, but um, but I I did not enjoy that experience. I was like too drunk all the not like while I was working, but like by the time I would get off the collectiveness of it, I'd be like, I'm like, I'm fucked up. Like, yeah, you know what I mean? I'd like to call my girlfriend to come get me a couple times from work.

SPEAKER_03

What's the thinking behind it being encouraged?

SPEAKER_05

Um, I think probably the owner was an alcoholic. So like he was just like, hey, let's drink, let's get a drink. It was slow. It was slow. I wouldn't say it was encouraged, but like if customers take a shot with you, it can get them drinking a little bit. You know what I mean? I see. It can kind of make it.

SPEAKER_03

So there's at least some monetary. Don't drink alone, right? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

So like if he's there drinking alone, you're like, I don't know. Okay, we'll do a shot. It's 2.30 in the afternoon. I think it keeps the vibes loose. Some people like want the cool, like, nice vibe. But like for me, I honestly like I'd rather not drink at work until until maybe like when I'm closing everything up or whatever, then I'll have a have a beer. But like in the middle of my shift, like it's set, like if it's dead at 7 p.m. and we're like, I guess wanna just take shots. I'm like, I don't, not really. You know, I'd like to I like to drink, but I would like to like not be hammered by nine. Yeah. Because I'm not the type of guy too that like we're drinking, we're fucking drinking. Yeah, you know what I mean? Let's not mess around with this bullshit take a shot, and then an hour later. Take another shot. Let's line them up. Let's ruin my life tonight.

SPEAKER_03

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you're gonna do it, let's go for a big one.

SPEAKER_05

I don't, I don't, I'm never, I'm not a half-ass kind of guy.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I can tell that, and this kind of brings me to the next thing I was gonna go. You are not a half-assed guy. And this is an area where when you watch somebody on stage, like when I'm watching you, I'm like, I don't relate to what it is that you're doing. And a lot of people think feel like that. Yeah. There's like the different ends of the spectrum. You are so present in the moment, fully committed, you full asset. Yeah, I'm I'm all in. All in. Yeah. To a degree that is, again, it's very fun. Yeah. When you're starting to be somebody that is, like if you've seen Rob, you know it's kind of like a full-scale chaos event.

SPEAKER_05

It's if you're in the boat, I am full throttle. I was watching Scooby-Doo and I realized something about Scooby-Doo. Hardly any of the bad guys in that show committed any crimes. And then the must come up like, oh, there's a mistake. That's the scary out of the members, me. Woman is brilliant wearing a scarf hanging out the woman, that's a gay man. That's clearly a gay man, you know what I mean? You know, right? That's taking someone to know one, that guy's gay.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, nobody's got a big one. It's fun. How do you get there? Because I can't imagine your first open mic, you were like, This lady's a bitch. And then you never.

SPEAKER_05

Dude, I wrote one-liners for like the first eight months, maybe a year. I just kind of wrote one-liners, and I would never repeat a joke. I wouldn't, that's not true. I wouldn't never repeat a joke, but I would really try like every single week to have a new five-minute set. To be like, I need to have a new set. I can't, because I didn't know how it works. So I like to do it. I mean, like, I I I started in 2019. So there was a Joe Rogan podcast, right?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

But like outside of the Joe Rogan podcast, there was not a lot of podcasts talking about stand-up comedy, if that makes sense. Totally. Of course. So like for me, I was like, well, I guess every week I just have to like come up with a new three or four minutes. You know what I mean? That's what I would try to do every week. So I would just write and turn over material and try and write. And like a lot of material sucked. Like, don't even it was not. When you're starting, nothing's that great. Sure. But like I think one day I just kind of riffed, and it was like my like I was like, oh shit, that was fun. And then I just started doing more. And I always had energy on stage. So even when I was telling my jokes, I was like energetic, but I wouldn't say I was present. I was energetic. Like something could have flew by my face, they could throw something at my face and I would just not even acknowledge it because I'd be like, well, that's not in the joke. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03

Do you it's like headspace, right? Where you have the space to realize what's going on. Do you remember like the first time you're on stage and you go, Oh, I brought Rob up here with me. I'm on stage with myself for the first time.

SPEAKER_05

Uh maybe not like the first time, the f I remember the time it went like, yeah, probably like the first one of the first times was at a uh there was like the Spokane Comedy Club where I started, they had a like a class I would teach, and my good friend Phil Kuptonsky, shut up, Phil. Phil. Phil's the man. I used to go on the road with him a lot and feature for him, and he had me come do a spot on it on the show because they'd have like every everyone who graduated would do like a shorter set, but then they'd have you know some real comedians come do like longer sets. Yeah. And so I did like a 10-minute spot and murdered so hard and like didn't have a lot. Like my my material was there, yep, but like the spaces in between where I was just like riffing in between jokes and like saying jokes I hadn't said before, or like saying them in a whole different way before, that changed the way I did because like that set, that was probably the first time, and then from there, just more and more of that came out. It's to where now sometimes I go to open mics and like if there's a I mean you know, some mics you're like there's just seven comics in a room. This is just a therapy session. But like if we're at if I'm at like a good open mic or even like a showcase show or something where like there's a crowd there, I'll like just have three jokes and then know that the rest of it will be fine. And if it starts not working, I'll just I have more material. I'll figure it out. Yeah, there's some there's material in there, you know.

SPEAKER_03

I like but I like that though, I'll figure it out. Yeah, I feel like getting to the point where you go, if I'm up there, it's okay, something will work out. Yeah, that's that's confidence, and our lizard brain as an audience feels that. Yeah, yeah. When there's a person up there, even if it's not going good, you know, when the person isn't having a fear response, like you sense the fear. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, well, this isn't the world's funniest thing, but they're fine with it. So this will turn around in a minute.

SPEAKER_05

And the energy for me carries a lot of it because I'm like, I'm just I'm amped up to 10. So like I'm just gonna make it work. Yes. And that's why, you know, I feel like I'll get I'll get uh hosting, like host a lot of like uh showcase stuff or like you know, you know, hosting. Because it gets it gets the room going. Yeah, and I can handle, I can get the energy up in between people and and then stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03

Well, a lot of hosting is not even doing jokes. No. Hosting, you should be making people feel like the atmosphere in here is primed for fun.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, we're gonna have fun.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, you guys are having a good time there. How are you doing? Look at you. Oh my god. We're drinking, you're having fun.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and then you but you were also saying how this was uh the other day, not here, that you turn from being more mean spirited in your riffing and interacting to more like always keeping it jolly. Right, yeah, yeah. As a turn, I thought that was a turning point for you. And I thought that was a really interesting decision to kind of go, I'm gonna be all gas, I'm gonna be super fun, I'm gonna be crazy, I'm gonna be chaotic, but I'm not gonna make it about just shitting on the audience.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I don't I feel like people who are I don't I a lot of people get into comedy and you're like, did you even get in this to like make people laugh and have fun and smile? Yes. Because a lot of people be like, I feel like you're just being mean. You're just being so mean. You know what I mean? And it's it makes people uncomfortable. I don't, I don't think it's nice. I've done it, you know, it's easy because you're trying to be like interactive or whatever, yeah. To just the first instinct is to be kind of defensive or mean or be like stuff like that. Of course.

SPEAKER_03

And you're so nervous. Right.

SPEAKER_05

And so then what I kind of started doing was just adding in, even if I'm like say something kind of mean, I try to spin it. That's like, my God, you're a big man. Look at you. Oh, I'd love to just cuddle up with you. You know what I mean? Like I called him fat. Yep. But he doesn't know that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

He doesn't feel that at least. He doesn't feel like I called it. I feel that.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. You know? We I think we all know that. That's what makes it fun to watch, is we all know you're doing this joke and you're getting away with it, and you're keeping your likability. Right. We go, this is a likable guy.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. He's being kind of backhandedly a little bit rude. He's being honestly just straight up kind of rude, but he's so nice. Yes. And I'm smiling. The best advice I got was like when you're saying something kind of mean or even a and even like a joke that's kind of a meaner joke, smile when you say it. Yeah. Take a big old stupid smile on your face, and then people will be like, Well, but he's he's adorable. Yeah. So that was a bit yeah, smile. Smile more. That's what I tell women. And they get so mad when I comment that on their OnlyFans. And I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Is it different for you to be in a relationship doing comedy? I feel like that that makes that complicates it. Because I feel like you were a single guy for a long while. Yeah, I was single for a minute. And then not as much recently from.

SPEAKER_05

No one can handle me. You know what I mean? I was just the lion was just out there in the field, baby. But uh no, she uh she's great. Well, the thing about her is that she makes it easy. I like it, it's not, I wouldn't say it's harder. What it is is that it's like so much more fun. Because now I'm so much more fun. Yeah, because I'm like, I have something to talk about with her, you know what I mean? And I can like, she loves it too, so she's like super supportive. She brings her friends to my show. Oh man. You know what I mean? She comes to the shows, and like we, you know, there's also like um the nights off where I'm like, I don't, dude, you don't need to go to seven, you don't need to be going to every open mic in the world.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that is maturity.

SPEAKER_05

At least not in this city.

SPEAKER_03

Correct.

SPEAKER_05

If we were in uh you know New York or or somewhere where like and I was in at clubs, right? Like if I was like in at clubs in New York where I was like, well, I can do the stand, then I could do the cellar, and I could do that. There'd always be used to be out. Exactly. That's not the case. I don't need to go to an open mic with 10 other comics. Yeah. I just don't need to. Yep. So like there's a time when I needed to. Yeah. The first couple years, I needed to. Sure. I've been doing this for I'm gonna be eight years in January. I don't need to do, you know what I mean? At some point you gotta be like, and I was doing it before, but you know what I was doing? I was getting, I was just getting drunk and hanging out with my friends, and then I was like, no, I was so productive, you know what I mean? And then throughout our relationship, I've just been like, no, I want to stay in with her, I want to hang out with her, I want to do stuff with her, you know what I mean? And even on nights where like I she's not with me, I'll be like, Yeah, but I'd be better off writing tonight, wouldn't I? Wouldn't I be better off like looking through some stuff or doing something or just taking some time with me? Thinking of an idea for something or editing or just like living a life. Or or living a life. Like I cooked dinner and I kind of cleaned up and uh I watched a movie and I played some video games, and uh, you do need to do that in order to do other shit.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You know what I mean? Or else you have nothing to tell jokes about a remark about life.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it's it's like you gotta be a person, you know. It's so yeah, I think it's been helpful for that to have a balance. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. So that's been good. And she's also like uh but helped me with uh a lot of like a lot of material about her. There you go. You know, get a new girlfriend, get a new 10. That's why I gotta that's why I'm trying to have kids. Get an hour. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You know what I mean? Become Nashville's funniest dad.

SPEAKER_05

That's why I don't step on any toes. All right, let's not get crazy.

SPEAKER_03

How was that? It was fun. Who was who was doing it? Um, so Lee Kimbrell, Weber, and uh Jay Flake were like the three hosts. Oh, okay, got it. Um I thought they weren't the competitors. I was like, gee, he was gonna send tired. He was put on a heater to take those guys out. It wasn't even close. Yeah. Um then there was like six dads, and it was like guys that do stand up around here. Um like there's a lot of big dad energy in the room. We did our jokes and we had a couple things, and I got down to the finalists, and then I did my Bill Clinton impression and brought the thing home. Give it to me, come on.

SPEAKER_01

Little Lil Bill. Little Clinton.

SPEAKER_04

No little Bill. Man, you know Lil Bill's a good guy.

SPEAKER_01

I like to introduce you to Lil Bill.

SPEAKER_04

Oh man, I knew little Bill back in the day. We used to go to the clubs together. Who are you doing? I thought it was Bill Clinton. That's sick. I wasn't alive for Bill.

SPEAKER_03

He seemed like a guy that worked for Bill. Yeah. His Arkansas right hand man, perhaps. I like that. I like that.

SPEAKER_05

I I I I was screwed. Do you remember Bill Clinton's presidency?

SPEAKER_03

Not even a little. But my first political memory was the 2000 election. Okay. That was a big deal. Mine was 9-11. That was your first political memory? I mean, yeah. Hayden, you have a first political memory? Obama. Obamacare.

SPEAKER_02

You remember Obama? Obamacare. Like I remember my parents. I'm really directing. I didn't remember Obama at all. Well, I don't remember like what he was doing. I just remember my parents like grumbling about Obama. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, my parents didn't grumble. They were just loud. They were loud. They said, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. My parents, I'm from South Carolina. So like they were. I remember this is a funny story. At my school, we had like a faux election, like, so the kids could. I remember this. We did this at my school too. You did this too. And I voted Obama. Yeah. Because I liked his name. Like I had no other, no other reason for it. And I got home and my parents are like, what did you do at school dad? I'm like, I voted Obama. And then they're like, my dad's like, what the fuck are you doing? So he's going off on me. I'm like, boy. I thought he was cool. South Carolina. Boy, what you're voting for Obama.

SPEAKER_03

Boy, tell you. House of Cards. He's in South Carolina. Yeah. Great show. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Great show. Weird guy. Great show. Yeah. Last season tanked hard without him. I mean, so come on, just hold it together.

SPEAKER_03

I guess everything happened long ago before the show. Wasn't it?

SPEAKER_05

But they couldn't have waited to blow the whistle a little bit later. Or just not do the last season. Yeah. Just be like, buddy. But the money, you know what I mean? Probably was there for it. I remember during my we did that, and I was like the I lived in New Orleans at the time. I was the only guy that voted for McCain. Because I was because my parents like liked John McCain, so I was like, well, of course John McCain's sick. You know what I mean? Why were you guys moving around so much? Um by witness protection. Really? Yeah, my dad, my dad was on witness protection growing up.

SPEAKER_03

Can we do should we cut this out?

SPEAKER_05

No, we can talk about it. Oh, okay. Yeah, it'll get him killed, but it's fine. Um what?

SPEAKER_02

Small price to pay.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so my dad was growing up, he was a uh part of the Gotti family. Like John Gotti. Is this real? So God, he's so easy to fool. What is what is? I'm not gonna lie, I was buying I was kind of like we can't be talking about this. No, no, you sold it so well. Yeah. I'm a pretty good, it's unfortunate, I am a pretty good liar. Um I can see the clips now. We were gonna be rolling. Blind ranking mobile families. We could yeah, blind ranking mob man. Um, my dad was a lawyer, and I think, well, we moved to Idaho from New Orleans because when Obama got elected, I remember my dad was like, we don't know what's gonna happen, man. You don't know what's gonna happen, dude. We should we gotta get out of the city. That's so weird. We gotta get out of the city. And I think it was also financially hard to live in the city. Oh, okay, yeah. Was probably part of it. But I remember do we move we moved to Idaho in like 2011.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

And I remember it was like part of it was because like he just thought the government was gonna like Okay. Like people moved to Idaho just for that reason. Just because they think the government's gonna like from the government. Yeah, there would be so like Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, whatever.

SPEAKER_03

That's interesting. He's a lawyer. Yeah, he's a lawyer, yeah. Doesn't like the government, but your job is the law. His job is the law.

SPEAKER_05

But he's like constitutional law.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. You know what I mean? So he's like, how little of this can we have?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, he's yeah, yeah. Except for like if someone he likes in office and then it's like whatever. Yeah. Then he's like, do what you want, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, not really. No, but he's he's a pretty principled guy, relatively. Nice. You know.

SPEAKER_03

Did you ever have an itch to go into law?

SPEAKER_05

Um, not really, no. It just seemed boring.

SPEAKER_03

I would like to see you in a courtroom.

SPEAKER_05

Now that I'm older, I think I've probably been alright at it. Yeah. I'm like pretty good at arguing. I'm pretty good at arguing. I can argue until the daylights come home.

SPEAKER_03

I'm saying like your act in the courtroom would be hilarious.

SPEAKER_04

I know. I'm gonna suck your dick, judge.

SPEAKER_05

Judge, I'm gonna suck your dick. That's like the craziest thing. Just trying to get the judge sexually bribing the judge.

SPEAKER_03

That's incredible. Um Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to do the second game. It's a stand-up related. So it's kind of like the same thing where um instead of doing it for a server, these are traits for a stand-up comedian. Ooh, okay. All right, I like this. So your top seven stand-up comedian traits. Okay. Blind ranking.

SPEAKER_05

Um black um woman gay. Yeah, yeah. If that would be good. It's not for getting booked. Oh, okay. Just for doing sets. Black woman gay. If you're not famous, you're not funny. I hate to say it. Is that true? If you're a stand up comedian who's how many years a woman and gay, and you've been in comedy for I'll go seven or more years, quit. Pack it up. Pack the bags up, dog. That folks' been looking for you hard. Yeah. And that means they've already seen you and decided no, or you're so hard to find. Yeah. You know? I mean, it's that'll get me canceled, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know if there's a deft way to talk about that phenomenon. No one wants straight white guys.

SPEAKER_02

That was the phase of I'm cutting this.

SPEAKER_03

I'm I'm I'm curious.

SPEAKER_05

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's not it's fine to not want straight white guys because there's so many of us. Yes. That's fine with me. Totally. Totally get that. But if you're uh if you're like a woman right now who's doing comedy, lean into it, baby. If or if you're a or if you're a if you're anything different, you need to lean into that.

SPEAKER_03

Can I give you the analogous thing from the universe that I understand? It's like in ballet where there's so many women doing it. In comedy, there's so many straight white guys who want to talk in front of people for a long time. God, we want to be heard so bad. For some reason, yeah, that just is how it breaks out. And for some reason, it's just like every little girl wants to be a ballerina. Yeah, yeah. And so then when like I came along and I'm like, I'm a boy and I want to dance, and I happen to be six feet tall, people are like, oh my gosh, yeah. Can you do anything? Right, right. Can you do any steps? Yeah. Because there is, I didn't really appreciate this till I started booking shows. When you're booking a comedy show and you go, straight white guy, straight white guy, straight white guy, like, oh, this is gonna be the boring hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where we talk about the same six things in a row. Yeah, it's like life is a big place. And you really do to keep just just not even like, oh, we're trying to be woke, we're trying to be diverse or D yeah. It's like just to keep the audience interested. Yeah. You do need other people that aren't just a straight white guy talking about like, oh, I wonder if I can get this girl to sleep with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like that.

SPEAKER_05

That's why it's also you gotta write. If you're like a if you're anybody, you need to write about shit. Write about what you know, sure. Yeah. But maybe try writing just with a different perspective. Just like do something different. Yes. You know what I mean? Say you're gonna suck their dick. Fucking, you know what I mean? Would you just please would you just have more energy? You know what I mean? Um, but that I feel like is you're watching this right now, I'm gonna suck your dick. Welcome to the almost funny podcast. I'm almost gonna suck your dick.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know how much of this is gonna make it.

SPEAKER_05

But it's welcome to the almost funny podcast. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, mmm, dude. Yeah, buddy.

SPEAKER_03

That's good. Clean comedy. That was that was clean. That was clean. The second one was clean. The second take was clean clean. First one was clean. I thought so. Yes. So I'm gonna suck your dick. That's the clean cut. Yeah, yeah. Um but that I feel like is a a way to talk about that phenomenon. Because I think it is something, there's something going on there where there's a supply-demand issue in comedy.

SPEAKER_05

Well, there's also just way more in the in America, there's just like way more straight white men than there are of almost any other like subset of culture.

SPEAKER_03

Is that right?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, like statistically. Yeah. There's just like a whole bunch of us. They're they're everywhere. So they're gonna, it's a way it breaks down with anything. There's just gonna be like more crime is committed by like straight white men. Yeah. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03

Just because there's just more of us. There's just more. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05

It's just gonna be that's just how it works.

SPEAKER_03

We be committing crimes. You already know. What's up? Trying to break stereotypes. Love that. All right. Well, we'll play this game. Okay. Who the hell knows? This is uh my editing finger's gonna be flying. I actually I don't think I think we gotta do it. We're all right. We're mostly good, yeah. All right. Uh what it blind ranking stand-up comedy traits. Okay. First out the shoot. Being quick on your feet.

SPEAKER_05

Uh three. Three. Three.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Seems like three. Yeah. It's it's important. It's important for sure. It's not as important. You know what? Five. Oh. I'm pushing it down to five. Pushing it down to five? Yeah, because I don't think it's as important as people make it out to be. It's important to be quick on your feet, but for the most part, audiences aren't saying crazy shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? No. As you would think. No, I every video is like is that every clip makes it seem like that. But if you watched uh, you know, a showcase show for if you want it wouldn't happen. Maybe it happens once. Yeah. During the showcase show. Probably not gonna happen to you. There's 12 comics on that fucking show. Right.

SPEAKER_03

It's just not you're standing up there like waiting for somebody to say something, so you're like, I'm so quick on my feet. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

If all you have is quickness on your feet, then you better go be quick on the pen and write something. Write it, write something down. That makes sense. Okay. Uh next out the shoot, confidence. Um boy, that's pretty high. Uh one. One. I think one. I think being confidence being confident is up there. It's up there for sure.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, it's hard to find something that would work without confidence.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, if you don't have confidence, it's just not gonna, it's not that some guys can pull it off because they seem like they're not confident, but that's part of their character. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like Stephen Wright seemed like he wasn't confident, but I promise you he he could handle himself.

SPEAKER_03

Well, and you know what I've said this too, where it's like you have to be confidently the thing that you are. Yeah. I'm confident that I'm an anxious mess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then at least you're clear. Exactly. Because if you're not confusing. It's confusing. And there's nothing funny about confusing. No. Uh all right, next. Joke writing.

SPEAKER_05

Um probably two. Yeah. Probably two. I think you have to be able to write good jokes. You don't have to write, like, not every joke has to be good, but you have to either write you have to write good jokes and you have to write a lot of them, or you have to write like two really great jokes and just hope. You know what I mean? Yeah. Have you seen Tony Hinchcliffe's special?

SPEAKER_03

No.

SPEAKER_05

I mean, it's so good. Did you see me go? Did you see me look this time?

SPEAKER_02

I really like so good. I've heard the opposite. Really? Yeah, but it's interesting you know.

SPEAKER_03

No, if you like serious thing. If you like This is his witness protection program voice.

SPEAKER_05

No, if you know what? No, with the thing with Tony, here's the question. Like, if you like bad crowd work, sure. If you like hatefulness, you know what I mean? Just like write. And if you're like talk about joke writing, yeah, I mean that guy is learning how to do it. Uh I will go on his show though. If I was I would definitely I would do that. I think it'd be a good friend. If I'm the times I've been down to Austin, I put my name in the bucket. Sure. Why not? Yeah, can't hurt anything. Yeah, it can't hurt. That's right.

SPEAKER_03

I think for most for most people, it's not make my career any worse. I promise. Thank you. All right. So what do we got? We got quick on your feet five, confidence one, joke writing two, next out the shoot, being able to work clean.

SPEAKER_05

Seven. Yeah. Seven for me, seven. Yeah. There are time, definitely there are things for me where I'm like, damn, if I I wish I would worked cleaner, yeah, because I would probably get more, but for me, it's just not who I. I am. And I think it resonates. Every time I've like watched my like done a clean side or something, I'm like, yeah, it's not me.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's not who I am. I feel you. I'm not, it takes away that thing you're talking about how I'm like in the moment and present. When I have to be clean like that, I can't be that.

SPEAKER_03

You know what I mean? Yeah. That makes sense. Um being able to learn from your mistakes. Three. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Three. Yeah, you gotta know like what you messed up on, and that's just in life. Just like you gotta be, you gotta know like how you messed up, why you messed up. You'll mess up again. You'll do the same mistake again. But learn from it and make it make the same mistake in a different way, maybe. Like, what is it called? Awareness. Awareness. Like a lot of comics, you need to be aware, but like some comics are so unself-aware. Yeah. That like not only like they just bomb every time, and then they're like, I think I crushed. And I'm like, That's alright. You bombed.

SPEAKER_03

You bombed so hard. If you don't, I feel like that's almost that almost might be bigger than confidence. Yeah. Where it's like, if you don't have the ability to like know how you're being perceived.

SPEAKER_05

I think everybody who does stand-up is delusional on some level. Of course. Because you think that you want to walk into a room with like 200, 300 people and they're all gonna listen to you, is already kind of delusional. Totally. And then you want to add an illusion to that of like, I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna be really good at it, and I'm gonna be famous and make a bunch of money, and and and and and and and. Yep. Uh next out to shoot.

SPEAKER_03

Being smart. Um I think it's kind of overrated. Um do you know what we have left open?

SPEAKER_05

Six?

SPEAKER_02

Six and then yeah, four.

SPEAKER_05

Six and four, six and four. It's about right for that. Um I'll go four. I'll go four. It's important to be smart, but like I don't know. I I'm pretty dumb. So it's hard for me to say that. I don't know. It depends on what you mean by smart.

SPEAKER_03

I think there's a lot of ways to be smart.

SPEAKER_05

And I think for our sake, let's hope.

SPEAKER_03

But there's something fun about seeing somebody on stage where they don't come across as like, oh, they were overly thoughtful or thoughtful.

SPEAKER_05

Like Nate Bargazzi's like play is kind of dumb, but he's actually very smart.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, he's in the like, he's coming across as like I'm a dumb guy. Right. But like you thought a lot about how you put that together. For sure.

SPEAKER_05

Um being smart, yeah, four, because like you do have to be smart to write jokes that people are gonna understand. Like it is true, but I think like too many people, especially stand-up comedians, are like, oh that like I I some of these guys from like New York that I've met come down, and like New York is like the most it's the best place to be doing stand-up or not. Yep, I've definitely met some cats who are like, this joke's so smart. They talk about their own jokes, and they're like, it's a smart joke. I'm like, well, have you thought about writing a fucking funny one? You might thought about doing that? Because like if you watch me, I'm not like coming across smart per se. I'm coming, I'm very all in. Yeah. And like, I don't know, I'd rather be that than spend all day writing this smart joke that like, hey, I like Ryan has has writes smart jokes down here in the south. Sometimes people aren't getting it. You know what I mean? But I'm not saying people in the south are dumb.

SPEAKER_03

I'm saying the ones I met are you know there's so there's something where where you to that where if you have too many times where you're going like that's too smart for the room, it's like, no, that's just not funny. Yeah, yeah. It's just not working for them. Yeah, and I say that uh in the mirror every morning. I will fall victim to that. This is so good. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05

I write something and I think it's smart, and then uh I just immediately go, all right, we'll throw that one away.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, if I think it's smart, then maybe it's just it's a horrible.

SPEAKER_02

That's interesting because it's like I don't do stand up, but I my question to you guys is do you is it necessary to present that you're not that you're dumb, but like you're underplaying the thought that went into it. Because I feel like everyone knows that jokes are like thought out and planned, but as soon as you make them aware of that, it's like kill kills. Well, it's like the magic is gone.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it also like you inherently you're on stage, they're sitting down.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_05

You're above them already, just literally above them. You have a microphone, they don't. They paid to be here, you're getting paid. Yeah. So you everything about it is I'm better than you in a way already. So then when you start being like, not only am I better than you, I'm smarter than you.

SPEAKER_02

You're done.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, you're in you're in the negative. You start in the negative. You start in the negative, so you have to be you have to get them to be like, I'm just like you. Right. I'm just like you. Right. This is relatable, this is or if I'm not just like you, I'm so out here and wild, but I'm not like better than you. I'm just in a whole different fucking area than you. But it's a level playing field.

SPEAKER_03

I think it's like likability. Yeah, likeability. At the end of the day, yeah if you're not likable, like genuinely like a likable person on stage, yeah, they're not rooting for you.

SPEAKER_05

Uh battle if you're not likable. Yeah. It's really hard if you're not likable.

SPEAKER_03

Because it's like they don't want you, they they're uncomfortable by you.

SPEAKER_05

I know some very funny comics who are come across unlikable that like are funny, that write good jokes that are just when they're up there though, they're like a different person than they are just hanging. I'm like, why are you doing that?

SPEAKER_03

You know what I mean? Well, and everybody when you're backed into the corner of being on stage doing stand-up, you revert to like whatever your thing is kind of like you your comfort zone or like your and it's often like a problem that you're trying to overcome for years and years of like, don't do this habit. Somebody start punching. Yes, you know what I mean? You just get defensive. Yep. You get defensive, or you get quiet, or you get loud, or you do the one joke you've ever written that works. Right. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

You go back to I've definitely yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You revert to some basic.

SPEAKER_05

Sometimes that one joke you have that like you just not even like it that works, but you just know it the best. Yep. The one you can remember the best, and then you say that joke, and then like that was not the joke they wanted to hear. Yeah, I know. I have this joke about orphanages that I tell that's like it's very funny, but like that a lot of crowds don't want to necessarily hear that.

SPEAKER_03

Especially that's not a save joke. Like, if this isn't going well and you're like, I don't haven't even I don't even know what joke you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. Orphanage is coming up, you're like, well, this isn't gonna get us out of here.

SPEAKER_05

It's not gonna get us out of here. No, no, they're gonna hate that. Yeah. But it's my panic joke. Yes. And it's been my panic joke for a long time. I know. If you hear me telling that joke about orphanages at a show, just no, you boy panic. Your boy is panicking, or I'm crushing really hard in your life. Either that, sometimes like, yeah, that joke when I went to Austin murdered so hard, and I was like, oh boy, I don't know what that says about.

SPEAKER_03

Maybe, yeah, maybe this is not the type of joke I want to do. Yeah. Uh the last one, so this means it's number what? Six six. Six. Um saying edgy slurs. Oh, that should have been number one.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Dang it. What was I thinking? Clean numbers. I like number seven is doing clean comedy, but then number six is saying edgy slurs. It's pretty funny. It's good.

SPEAKER_03

That's a strong list round. That's how I feel. Dang um. Um Yeah, we're cooking. We're cooking on time. I feel like we can jump into the bonus round here. Let's do it. Um bonus round, I ask people the same questions and we see what the differences are in the answers.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Um have you seen or been a part of, genuinely, anything that was mystical, ghost, bigfoot, alien, any kind of supernatural story that you have from your personal life, and it's okay if the answer is no. I'm just wanted to put people on the record because we keep returning to this, and I want to get a good sampling.

SPEAKER_05

Okay. Um no. Do you have- I don't like believe in that stuff. Okay. Like, I don't believe in ghosts and shit like that. That's a very comedian response on noticing. So I just don't, I'm like, I don't believe in that. I believe like I'm spiritual, like, I guess. I mean, I'm a Christian, but like, I don't know. I think Stop bragging. Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen. Either God took you or he didn't, alright? And you're not staying here. You're not staying here with us. You're either down there or you're up there. Ain't no in between, big dog. Sorry. I don't believe in purgatory. I'm a Catholic. I'm a Baptist, alright? You either either got to heaven or you're in hell. What are you? What is it? I'm a Baptist.

SPEAKER_03

You're you are a Baptist? Baptist. Southern Baptist.

SPEAKER_05

Raised Southern Baptist? No. You can't. I want to move down here. You start going to church, yeah. Really? This isn't a witness protection thing? No, this is for real. Me and my I gotta mess with you guys too much. I've broken your trust.

SPEAKER_03

No, me and my girlfriend started, we uh she took me to church. That's right, because you are doing a little bit more like in your act, I can hear. Yeah. Um have you guys read the Bible? It's crazy. You're 29. Yeah, we've we've all been uh walk around the Bible for us.

SPEAKER_05

Uh when I I grew up like going to church, like Methodist, until I was like 13 or 14. And then my like parents switched to like a in New Orleans where we live down there. So I guess I wasn't 13 or 14, I must have been like 10, I don't know. But we we switched to some like Southern Baptist mega church, and I've got yeah. I was like 11 years old, I was like, well, this is clearly a scam. You can't sell coffee at the church. They were selling it? They weren't giving it away, they were selling it. You can give it away. No, they were making lattes. Oh, and like a coffee shop. Yeah, it was a coffee shop in the church, and too many people, and like the bat they the baptism, it was like a fucking pool. Have you seen Uncut Gemstones? Uncut gems, yeah, with Adam's handling. Yeah. Righteous. Righteous gemstones. It was like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, that scene with the baptizing in like a wave pool. Yeah, yeah. It was it was like that, it was like hey, I want my own private bath to get baptized in. I don't want to get baptized in this huge pool. Yeah, I don't know. It was just weird, didn't like it.

SPEAKER_03

Well, it just feels a little corporate sometimes when you go to those big ones.

SPEAKER_05

You're like, Yeah, and how is this about how can you possibly know me? There's like 5,000 people here. Yeah. You know what I mean? This wasn't my vibe. It works in mysterious ways. So yeah, I fell out of the I fell out of it and then I found back into it.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, no aliens, but I do believe in aliens. You do? I believe in them. I haven't seen them though. Okay. That's that's honest. Yeah, I appreciate you saying that. Yeah. Okay, and then this is the last question. Okay. Um if you could give as a gift one quality to a young person in your life, could be a niece, a nephew, your future children, a grandchild. Okay. Just as a gift, one quality and download it into them. Okay. What would that one quality be?

SPEAKER_05

Probably Brazilian jujitsu. Into my uh into my nephew. I you know what I mean? He just needs to, I just want to make sure I just want to make sure he's taking care of himself. Yeah. We did a Brazilian episode. Oh, yeah, with uh with Amber Autry's uh with Alex Joss, yeah. Alex Joss, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sick. That guy's super that guy that guy's awesome. So nice. So nice. Um, because Brazilian ju guys are like scary, nice. Yeah. You know why? Because they walk around. So that's why I would give it to him because everyone I know who like is really good at that shit, like carries themselves like an I don't give a like you're not chill because you're like, well, if something happens, I'll just like break your arm. There's something about a nice safety net to have.

SPEAKER_03

Where in in like our like hor all the horrible like masculine fantasy universes you can get taken down. I feel like there is, even though it's like in the Rogan universe, the B the true BJJ universe, yeah, it's like very self-discipline, but also like humility and like respect. Yeah. And like those pillars, right, right, I think are better for the masculine thing than like go make money and have sex with a woman.

SPEAKER_05

But I don't think Joe Rogan's not really, he's not like uh go make money, have sex with a woman guy. No, but he's like gateway drug into the women's women's. For sure. I mean, he's just boring as hell. Yeah, is what Joe Rogan is. Yeah, God, he's so boring. I mean, he has been saying the same. I used to listen to him back when I was a big listener for a long time. You know when I knew he was boring? When my brother-in-law started listening to him.

SPEAKER_03

That's when I was like, oh, too many normal people got involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And then he was also like like in 2020 to 2022 when he was like, COVID's bad. And we're like, no, we know. Yeah. And then he was just saying it's like the same every fucking episode. Yeah. He was just getting on there and he was like, Anthony Fauci traded AIDS, and I'm like, I do believe that.

SPEAKER_03

I also don't need you to tell me every time. Well, I used to like when it's like, oh, I used to learn about like a fascinating topic. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

And when he had like Graham Hancock on, he was talking about like ancient like uh civilizations and stuff. Yeah, and but the thing is, I don't even care if that's real or not, it's just interesting. Yeah, some interesting topics like the world's most fascinating people.

SPEAKER_03

And then it's like and also California's gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

He was like this is Ben Shapiro. He's not interesting at all. Yeah, well, but come listen to him. That's right. You know what I mean? That's right. I would kick Ben Shapiro's ass. If we were in the same room, oh, I'd rip those eyebrows off his stupid little head, dude. He doesn't live in Nashville, he lives in Florida. Well, Candace Owen lives in Nashville, and I wouldn't kick her ass. Me and Candace Owens used to go to the same coffee shop. Really? You went to the same coffee shop as Candace Owen? Which one? Which one? Which one?

SPEAKER_03

Uh well, it's not there anymore. It was called Stay Golden. And it was, it's like over by my house, like off Sidco. Yeah, yeah. Um, and I would see multiple times I saw her in there. I go, that's Candace Owens. Just get and take it. Like just a regular person, you know. Hotter than a two-dollar pistol, man. Well, not as hot as Emmanuel Macron's wife.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, yeah. That's what put her on the map. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what that was a big that was like what put her on the map for a lot of I knew about her before. My sister was into her before that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. A black conservative woman, my family was eating that shit. Oh, that's true. My family loved, she was like anti-Obama to them. You know what I mean? She was like, it's we're not racist. We have this one.

SPEAKER_03

The nobody the nobama. Nice. That was good. That's good. Well, dude, Rob, this was awesome. We cooked. We didn't even have to break. Normally I have to pee in the middle. This was a good thing. We had a good time. This was great.

SPEAKER_02

Thanks for having me. Movie. You need to do a movie. You want to do a movie that changed your life? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I could do a movie that changed my life. What's a movie that changed your life? Uh Backdoor Slots Nine. All right, no, you're gonna cut that. I know he's gonna cut that. I mean, no. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Mine's see, I didn't realize I forgot that it was, you know, it's not even clean. It's Nateland. No, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's not in it's this is not one of the Nateland ones. So they haven't invited me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Life of Dad.

SPEAKER_02

You'd you would work perfectly.

SPEAKER_05

You'd be great on Life of Dad. Yeah. The main guy who hosts that kind of looks like you a little bit.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Not really. You look better than him. You're a good looking guy. It super pisses me off. That's very sweet of you to say. Yeah, fuck you. This is a paid plug, but he paid me to see how attractive I am. A movie that changed my life. Um, is that an actual answer? Yeah. Uh Zeitgeist. You ever seen Zeitgeist? No. Who's in it? It's a 2008 documentary. Oh, okay. It's about 9-11 in religion. Holy shit. Dude, it's it was like it was like conspiracy, dude. Me and my friends in like high school and college would watch it. We just get stoned and watch it. Oh, you'd repeat why. We were like a conspiracy doc. Is it a conspiracy doc? Conspiracy doc, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Um I mean, conspiracy would say just theory, you know. Without making everyone unfollow the channel, give me the nuts and bolts of it.

SPEAKER_05

Um I don't even remember. The beginning of it, it's like about nine, it's pretty much saying 9-11, no good. 9-11, very bad. Um, you know what? I can give you that. We'd we'd like to know who did it. You know what I mean? It's trying to get to the bottom of things. Trying to get to the bottom of things. At the end of it, they're like, they're gonna they're gonna like put chips in your brain and like track your they got to that stuff. Well, Neuralink, we're there. Yeah, yeah. They predicted the future. I have it. You have Neuralink? I have Neurolink. What sold me? The version? Yeah, what sold me on Neuralink was I saw how many monkeys it killed, and I was like, okay, I'm in. Does it be killing the monkeys? It kills the monkeys, which I like.

SPEAKER_03

Really? Is that what's happening?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it puts them, they put them in the monkey brains and it kills the monkey brains, and I go, Well, I'm a human, so that's fine. Yeah, and my brain is so much bigger and more sophisticated.

SPEAKER_03

It'll handle it. And I think that's good. With the with the fall of the Daily Wire Empire, we're really picking up its place. I dude, I would be sure we're the Nashville podcast.

SPEAKER_05

I would be such a good right-wing grifter. I'd be so good at it. And the problem is that like I don't, I'm not like a super, like not I'm not liberal enough to be able to do it and then not believe it's acceptable. You get sucked in. See me down in front of Ted Carlson. I bet by the end, I'd be like, he's got a good thing.

SPEAKER_03

You're such a good salesperson in that voice, you would sell yourself on it. I would sell myself on it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

If you know anyone who's trying to who's hiring for sales, hit me up, dog. I'm trying to not be a server anymore. I'm trying to sell stuff. Hey, well, that brings us to our final point. Where can we find you? Uh you can find me uh at Jonathan's in Germantown Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. It's gonna work the day shifts 10 to 3, baby. And uh also Rob Wentz comedy on Instagram. That's the one. That's the one you want to find. Find me. And do you have a place do you put your shows up on there? Uh yeah. I have uh my uh I put uh they're on my stories, and I have I actually have a website. It's uh punchuplive.com slash backslash Judson Veach. So you can find all everything on there for my shows that I'm doing. Um because I don't need the ticket sales.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Right. But I'm trying to help him out. He's doing he's doing an anonymous comedy career.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I'm trying I my thing is that I want to be like maybe 50, and then I'll then I'll start thinking. For tax purposes. Yeah, for tax purposes.

SPEAKER_03

You're one of those comedians that doesn't put your name on the marquee. Well, Rob, it's been super fun having you in the studio, dude. It's been so much fun. It's been a blast, brother. Thanks for having me. Thank you for doing this.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Boom. Great job, everybody. Do you want to put one of these on? Put one of the dude, that'd be a great clip. Uh let's see. Explain what it is. Uh, this is a mint that goes in your lip. It's not, it's it's a mint. Okay, I've been wanting to talk about these the whole time. These are, I know we're done, but these are called pouch nerds. I got them for they're six milligrams. They're like a zen, they're like a nicotine little pouch that I got for free at the gas station because the guy was trying to get rid of them. His name is Isaac. He's a great guy over on East. This is gas station mouth tobacco. This is, it's it's actually, it's not, it wasn't a gas station, it's like uh it's a smoke shop next to a gas station. Is it tobacco or just nicotine? Just nicotine. It's not tobacco.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

It's flavored like mints. It's not chewing tobacco.

SPEAKER_05

No, no, it's not chewing tobacco. You just take that fabric. I've never so put it on your tongue. Put it on my tongue. Uh-huh. And then stick it up into your lip, like with your tongue. Or whatever you want to do. You can use your mouth, whatever you want to do. Put it like up here. I mean the front. Front. Upper left, upper right. Upper right. Does that look good? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

You have it in? Yep. Alright. What's this gonna do to me?

SPEAKER_05

Is it burn? Does it burn a little bit? It feels like a mint. Feels like a mint? Yeah. Just leave it in for a little bit. Um see, I want to do that at the beginning of the podcast. It doesn't work now.

SPEAKER_03

See how it how it evolves with me? Yeah. Dang. Alright. Well, dang, this has been almost funny. And we'll catch you next week. We'll see if I'm addicted to nicotine by next week. Salute, baby. Salute, dude.