JD's Testimony Part1

In this moving episode, JD joins us to share his powerful personal testimony. From the realities of his childhood and the early experiences that shaped his life, to the turning point that led him toward recovery, JD opens up about his journey through addiction and his ultimate path to sobriety. His story is a raw, honest look at the struggles of the past and the hard-won hope of a life transformed.

Whether you are walking your own path to recovery or looking to understand the journey of a loved one, JD’s testimony offers a reminder that it is never too late to find freedom.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

What's up everyone? Welcome to the Testimony Table Podcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

The podcast with real stories, real struggles, and real miracles. How everyday people share how Jesus has changed their lives forever. And I'm Brandon, and we're both your hosts, and we're seriously back in here today.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

This show is all about giving God the glory, telling the truth, and bringing hope to people who need it most.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

In our show, we can lead heavy into a theme of recovery. Because Jesus doesn't just forgive.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

He restores.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

He heals.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

He delivers.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

He can believe out of anything. Addiction, depression, anxiety, brokenness, pain.

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He can turn the mess into the message and the pain into purpose.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

We believe Jesus is still moving today, and testimonies still have power.

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And we are here to fulfill the mission he gave us, the Great Commission, to go, to tell, and to make disciples. So pull up a seat. Lean in. And get ready. Because your faith is about to become stronger than you ever thought possible.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Alright. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Alright. Episode four.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

Yeah, episode four.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Welcome, JD. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Yeah, we got JD Maurer on the show. Um, but I'm gonna open in prayer real quick. Heavenly Father, we come to you humble and thankful, Lord, and we dedicate this podcast to you, Lord. We pray that your will be done, and that we are able to spread the gospel and bring people to your kingdom, Lord. I thank you that JD is here, Lord, and I pray you speak through him. We love you, Lord, and we thank you for everything. We thank you for every breath, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Amen. Yeah, thanks for having me. It's a blessing and an honor.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Absolutely, man. Yeah, so like I said, great show. Um you've got the floor, man. You know, just share your testimony, and you know, that's that's what the testimony table is all about. It's about you know, sharing testimonies and showing people how Jesus has changed lives.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

So yeah, I mean, uh, I don't know how deep you want to go, but I guess, you know We'll go as deep as you want to do. As uh as far as things go, you know. I I I did you know grow up primarily in a Christian household. Um I was really young when my uh uh parents divorced. I think it was like four, somewhere around there. And uh I remember that being uh a traumatic event, you know, because your mom is your mom, right? And there's there's no replacing her. And uh so um just having to you know grow up uh separated from her, you know, already created some emotional rift in my heart and mind. And so um looking back on my life, I can see that I began acting out immediately. It's like when I was in kindergarten, I started thieving, you know, just from an another kid. Um there was also is and as I continued to grow up, that was part of my it's like um I was already uh a a sneaky little wretch and and uh you know, taking stuff from grandma or grandpa, uh money. Um and you know, uh obviously uh my grandparents are passed on at this point, but uh uh for the family members that uh maybe aren't privy to that to that revelation, um you know, I'm sure they'll be like, what? You're you're always so quiet and shy, because I was. I was just I was pretty introverted. I was always the always the you know, even even to this day. Um if I'm made the center of attention, I don't like being the center of attention. Uh I you can see my redness go straight up. It's like, uh let's let's focus on JD here for a second. It's like, no, please don't. Um but uh um, you know, just just growing up that way. Um, you know, when my stepmother came into the picture, uh, you know, we were pretty excited about having a mom a mother figure. Um my mom wasn't totally out of our lives, um, but she was for a while for those there's a a period of time where uh we did not get to see her, and it's been so long ago I can't really nail down uh how long it was, but it was probably a year or two. So you have siblings usually Yeah, if I've got I'm uh originally uh between my um uh father and mother. There were four of us. I have uh older brother, older sister, I'm the third child, and I have a younger brother. And when my dad remarried, he had an additional two children, uh uh two boys, and uh so six, six of us in total. So it was uh at one point it became a pretty packed household. Right. But uh um so when the stepmother came into the picture and and you know she she is no longer with us, she passed in uh what was it? 2012, she she died from cancer. It's like it's crazy. And we'll we'll we'll get to this in order, but it's like my stepfather died of cancer in 1989. Stepmother died of cancer in 2012. My father died of cancer in 2016. So um the only living parent I have left is my mother, and she just she's turning 78 this year. So thank God for that that I still have her.

SPEAKER_02 6:30

But uh and that's a I just I can sympathize with you that that's rough to watch because you know, I don't know if you know, but my mother passed of cancer.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

So I you know, I I know what that's like to see that to see somebody just kind of waste away in front of your eyes.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

It's it's a brutal disease, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

It just seems so prevalent. Yeah. The the further we venture into life and I uh our lives as we live it, but just on earth in general, it seems so much more prevalent. You you used to maybe know a few people that died of cancer. Now it becomes, you know, a whole lot of people that either have had it, fought it. My mom's fighting it right now. My stepmom fought breast cancer, my sister-in-law, which that was the real heavy hitter because she's two years older than me, so we're really close in age, fought breast cancer. It's like, what is going on with this disease that just growing instead of being eradicated? We could we could go down a rabbit hole. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

I'm sure we have our opinions of of what they're putting into the atmosphere, let alone in the food and just water, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Just about everything, and it has to there has to be some validity to that.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Yeah, some correlation. But uh, but uh, you know, the and you know, I'm not here to uh you know like um bash um my parents. Uh they did the best with what they have. Like before we started, we push record, you know, we talked about the fact that you know our parents grew up in different households. They experienced different things than we did. They were conditioned a certain way, and they responded emotionally with how they were taught to respond emotionally. And so, you know, often, often um we got the short end of the stick when it came to to nurturing that that emotional support every child needs, that reassurance that, hey, even though you screwed up, I still love you. You know, you you get the discipline, and then afterwards you're you're told I I love you. Just I'm trying to teach you a lesson and come here, give me a hug, and reinforce that with some physical contact and saying, You're a good kid, I love you, you just made a mistake. Right. That didn't happen. It was it was mainly um take the take the wood, you know, because my dad was a lifelong carpenter. He uh he fashioned two paddles. Um one was was probably yay long. He and he took a um a wood, what is it, the branding iron, the uh whatever soldering iron? Yes, I guess it was probably a like a wood burning kid. Yeah, yeah, there you go, wood-burning kit. And he and and on that paddle he wrote board of education. I look back and laugh at it now, but I'm like, when I saw that thing, I was terrified as a kid. Then the other thing was like a a sleek, sleek model to where he had perfectly there was there was two diamonds on one here and one here, and holes drilled. So there was some aerodynamic effect. Yeah. So the paddle could travel better. But yeah, so I a lot of effort and the discipline, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Yeah, my grandf my grandpa, like that we use, my mom's uh mom and dad, they had a uh a similar type. It was just, I mean it, it was just like had the handle card, it was just like a one by four, but then it kind of narrowed down to get a grip and just holes drilled a whole rope down it. Yeah. So I can relate to that. They never used it on us a whole lot, but I always sympathize with my mom and aunt and uncle after looking at that thing hang on the wall.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Yeah, I don't know whatever happened to those things, but uh, you know, when my as I as I uh said earlier, when uh you know when my father finally passed and we were going through all of his stuff, I don't know, I don't know if anybody within the family found those things, but maybe he got rid of them at some point. But that would have been funny to have those items from the past and and just actually look at them and hold them again without threat of being what was behind them. Yeah. So but um, you know, so the thing that the the thing that has come to me looking back upon my childhood is that, you know, you know, my father father wasn't a Christian his entire life. Um uh I don't even know how old I was in relation to him giving his life to Christ, but he was around, I think, 30, between 30 and 33 when he came to the Lord. And um, you know, there was a there was a vast change there because my dad um would often put on records, throw on the strobe light, and the four of the four of us kids would just you know jump around, dance, wrestle, and and have fun listening to some old rock and roll, you know, the the sixties and the seventies and stuff like that. And then the the household changed pretty dram dramatically. And uh there was there was that discipline. There was there was church uh every Sunday, Wednesday, you know, you we were Sunday school, Sunday morning church, uh Sunday evening church, uh youth group in between, and Wednesday night prayer meeting. Um and and I don't begrudge that because you know after everything said and done, that's what that's what drew me back to the Lord after after my journey away. And uh um so the the idea that a Christian household is is built on Christ, and it's very clear that that Christ is love, right? Where was that within that home? And that's the thing that was that was missing. Um I can't really recall a time where after being disciplined, I I honestly can't recall ever being told I love you, you made a mistake, just don't do it again. Um it was all discipline and no love. I know, I know my dad loved me, right? I know my stepmom loved me, but I didn't really feel it, you know. And so I grew up looking for things to fill that void. Um, you know. Um it wasn't really until until after I accepted Christ as Lord that that really the the stuff started happening where I feel like the you know it's been a lifetime of attacks, um, the devil trying to keep me pinned down, using using that lack of um emotional nurturing to draw me into things that would keep me separated from Christ, even though I had given my life to him. I was ten or eleven. When I walked the aisle, I was just like, I I just had this feeling that's like I gotta do this. I I know I need to do this, and and I did it. And I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

Um I just wanna say, you know, you were being attacked, you know, and and your parents were being attacked, and you know, we we have to recognize that. I mean, you know, and you know, I mean I know you've heard it, you both heard it, but in Ephesians 6, verse 12, it says, For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places, and you know, the devil he knows what you're capable of, and he knows what your parents are capable of. So if he can attack your parents and and in turn oppress you at the same time, you know we're fighting against a very smart enemy, you know, and we have to recognize that and and and I know you do, but you know, just wanted to throw that in there, you know.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Yeah, and that's that's the thing, that's in that's important to remember in the context of everything. When you when you when you sit back, you know, when I sit back and look at my life, I I I need to remember that. Like I said, they're they were they're representatives of what they experienced, but I don't know. I wasn't I wasn't in their shoes. I I wasn't I wasn't Les Maurer, I wasn't Margaret Maurer, and just I don't know what they were under attack from. I don't know, you know, every every marriage has its complexities, has its has its ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses, and who knows what they were dealing with when when I was growing up. So it's important to remember that, you know, I don't I don't begrudge them. You know, there's there's some emotional scars there, but um I've I've tried to move beyond those things in in my life as a parent.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

I think and just like the the trajectory of the world, like when you go to our parents, their parents, their parents, and so on, like there's there's been a break somewhere that is good where fathers, it's okay in our society now for fathers to be loving as well as disciplinarians, you know. Because I think for a long time I I know my parents, when they speak of my grandparents, who I only ever knew as my grandparents, they were loving. But I hear stories and I'm like, you know, they were hardcore. Like my grandpa went to work and he worked when he came home. You got quiet and you just stayed away from them. You know, they didn't really get that. They got disciplined. It was like, wait till your father gets home. I think it's so important what you said, you know, about you know, you and with my son, I try like sometimes I get impatient and I this, but I always make sure I bring him over. Like I love you, you know, but this is what you did wrong. So, but I think there was a break in a good one where it's okay as fathers now for us to love our sons and our daughters and show love. Uh where I think the generations before us, like your parents, you're a little bit older than we are. So your parents are a little bit older than ours, so they're even more old school than what maybe we can relate to. Right. But I think that was what society was then, and I think it's kind of evolved into understanding the scars that that can leave behind. And I think we've just in a natural way kind of fixed it as humans where we're like, well, we I wish they would have just told me that, you know, I learned from the discipline, which was their intent. Right. You know, they did get their point across, but I wish there was something there was more there where I knew they didn't hate me for a little bit, you know.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

So that's an important observation, you know, because you know, I you know obviously in in the last several years, mental health has been, you know, ramped up and understanding and in that whole big uh complex web, you know, because the things that we experience do leave scars, you know, some some events are traumatic and and and people internalize it, and that's what you're talking about, is you know the the older generations probably internal internalized everything and didn't express stuff. They might have ex husband and wife might have expressed it to each other, but that was like you didn't know you didn't know about it. You thought everything was perfect. Yeah, yeah, and that's that's so not true. I mean, you you guys are both married and you know that there are good days and bad days, hard days, easy days, and and it's it's always a moving target to to stay on point with each other and stay connected spiritually, mentally, emotionally, so your marriage doesn't turn into a train wreck.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

And and it can it can easily be done. The other side of it is too, it's like I think what we're battling now in the world is the parents that refuse to see any wrong in their children. And I understand it, I didn't because I didn't become a father till late in life, but it's like you love your kids with everything that that you are, and nevermore did the expression this is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you ever prove true until I became a father. I'm like, well, I I bet that hurt, I bet my cheeks are hurting worse than than your hand is after that, but you get it, but now there's also that part of society that if your kid comes home in trouble at school, then the parents just want to immediately attack the school and say, Well, it has to be a them pri just yeah, it's it's a crazy society where you just try to find your best way as men and women to be good mothers and fathers. So but looking back and and realizing the scars that you had, you you either try to fix them or you drown yourself in them and become who you hated as a child. Right. Because you see that like alcoholism and stuff along those lines where it's like you have this chance to break that chain. Are you gonna break it or are you gonna just pass it on? Keep using it and pass it on, you know, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Yeah, at some point, you know, you the the cliche break the cycle. You know, it might be cliche, but it's so true that that it's up to it's up to the next generation to change things for the better, you know, the way we parent, the way we um give God the glory and recognize that that you know, we didn't evolve from a frog or a fish or an ape or whatever whatever theory Joe Rogan's pushing, you know, this week or whatever. It's just you look around us and you see the beauty of this world, and you s you see the complexity of the human the human race, the human body, and and just all the the way things work in perfect synchronicity. That did not happen by accident. No, you know, so um I and you're a fool if you think otherwise.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

I think, you know, and the Bible says as much.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

I would agree. I would agree. But you know, in getting back to to to the childhood and and moving through those different phases of life, somewhere somewhere in my early teens, I I discovered uh pornography. And that really turned me into an addict before I even knew what addiction was.

SPEAKER_03 21:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Um, I had no idea what drug addiction was or alcoholism. You know, I had I had uh my Dad's dad drank, my mom's dad drank.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

And uh so it runs in your family.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Yeah, so they they were pretty heavy drinkers, from what I know. I I'm I'm more I'm more in the know on what my mom's father did because I saw it as a as a kid, um, but not so much my dad's dad. But uh it seems as though that uh like I said, under attack. It's like you you walk you walk the aisle, you you profess Christ the Savior, baptized, you know, within a short window after after walking the aisle. You know, I I went to a great Baptist church as a kid, the pastor, uh Pastor Bowden Miller was just an awesome, awesome guide to have as a as a young kid uh leading you spiritually. Um and so uh, you know, saved, baptized, and then somewhere between 11 and 13, that that whole uh ugly world of pornography is introduced. And I my recollection is that uh there was a the neighborhood that I lived in as a kid, uh there was this particular gentleman who had a stash of that, and somehow me and uh a couple friends found that and it was just like it, you know, obviously we're carnal, we're carnal beings, we're we're of the flesh. Even though you profess Christ the Savior, there's still those desires of the flesh that you have to fight against. And I knew nothing about that. You know, I wasn't necessarily discipled about, you know, stay away. Here here's here's some boundaries that you need to set for yourself, you know. Right. When it comes to to the the physical uh realm of things that you can see and touch, because um I think that's kind of an important thing, you know, as a as a as a new believer. I I can't really say I was even discipleshipped, um, you know, because I think that was kind of left to the church. And I think it's important as as parents when our kids commit, and I and I have I too have failed at this, is is to disciple our kids so we help build their faith rather than just leaving the church or or what have you to do it. You know, sun Sunday isn't just a hour or two hours of discipleship and you're good for the week, right? It's it's uh it's a consistent um habit of being in the word, a consistent habit of prayer, a consistent habit of fellowshipping with our other believers that that really strengthens the walk. And uh I really didn't have that. Um yeah, yeah, I was in church, yeah, I did the youth group and stuff, but just that constant spiritual edification that really needs to, as you said, you're you're all you know, when you gave your life to Christ and and you asked for that release from alcohol and he took it from you, and now your eyes are always looking at Jesus. That's that's what that's what our kids need to experience too.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

100%, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

That's just such a good way to say it, you know, because I think a lot in society and me too being fairly new to being brought to Christ, is you know, I think I think a lot of people can show up, and I would never uh discredit anyone for coming and listening to the word of God at church, but I think in a lot of cases, you know, that gives you that replenishment, that gives you that feeling like you did the right thing, you were there hearing it. And at our church, it is definitely practiced. Go out, talk to someone about Christ, which is kind of what this podcast was kind of born out of that thought of to try to reach as many people. And we've said on some of the cuts that we've made just if if you don't want to be recorded, you don't have to be recorded, just reach out to us and we'll talk to you and kind of put out what brought us around and brought us to the light because darkness is a is just a scary place to be as a human. And if people understood what kind of light prayer brings, what kind of light I mean, prayer alone has lifted so much weight off of my life and and the time that I've been doing it, it's unbelievable. And I think there's a lot of people out there that don't understand what that does for you, right? Right. And I wish you could just go and stand in front of every person and just immediately just connect to them, but that's just not how it works. So we'll just keep talking about it, you know, because someone will hear us, and that's that's the point. That's that's discipling, you know.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, uh so being introduced to that, it's like it was like, I don't know, it was so strange. It was just like looking back, it's just like every every you know, like my grandma, uh one of my grandmothers moved into a new house, and I'm in the garage, and I'm just like checking out the new house and looking, walk back into this like a little storage area. There's there's a magazine there.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Where'd that come from?

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Yeah, it's like what why why am I seeing this like here, you know, and then and just it's just uh it's just a series of things where uh again reviewing reviewing my life and where I was and and where I am now. It's just like man, the Satan has used many things in my life to to keep me pinned down. And in in many cases, I chose it, and and that's uh that's an unfortunate thing.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Well, that's the thing about temptation, you know, we still choose it. But you know, I think what you said you just stumbled upon that was definitely Satan.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Yes, like you're not you're not looking for that, right? You're just like uh well, just checking checking out, checking out the new house, and then and then that appears, and it's just like, you know, it's just time after time after time throughout throughout my childhood and adult into adulthood. Um but uh you know, so I had I had that working for me or working against me more appropriately. Um I I was uh I was a good I was a good kid, I didn't get into trouble, you know, I didn't, you know, um I wasn't uh like I said I was shy, introverted. Just I just wanted to be kind of left alone in in my little cocoon of you know just not socializing. Um I was a I was a decent athlete. Um so in throughout my teen years, um I just uh focused on basketball and played a little bit of football, ran some track, got good grades in school, didn't drink, didn't drug. Um you know, eventually uh, you know, things had gotten to such a point at the house with my uh father and stepmother that uh you know I was just I I I had had my Phil, you know, I was I don't know, six, I guess maybe around six, from six to the age of seventeen. I lived in that structure of no emotional nurturing, and I was angry, I was tired of it, and I wanted to go live with my mom.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:37

And, you know, thankfully my dad allowed us to do that because he had full custody uh at that point, so he had to relinquish custody to my mother for that to happen, and that happened in in 1986. And 1986, I got to come live with my um mother and stepfather. Uh they were living at the time in Ashland, Ohio. Sort shortly after that, we moved to Delaware, Ohio, and I've called Delaware County my home since uh 86. But uh when when we moved down here, uh as me, my younger brother, and uh my sister eventually followed us down. I think she was graduate already graduated from high school. She was graduated from high school, but she she followed us down here as well. And um uh for the first time.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

So you you guys as as siblings all pretty much except for my older brother pretty close together came to be with your mother then.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

Yeah, so my brother, oldest brother was born in 65, my sister 66, I was 69, my brother was 70, 1970. So we're all my my mom was like back-to-back pregnancies when with us. So yeah, we're all close in age. We're we're all pretty close too. I mean, I can't say that necessarily today, but um when we were going through the things that we were going through, we only had we only had ourselves to rally, rally around, you know. I I was uh I was um kind of like my sister's protector in a way, um, because she and I are still very close. Um we we don't talk as much as we used to, but she knows if she needs me, all she has to do is call um any of my siblings. You know, if they need me, uh I'll do what I can to be there for them because I love every one of them. Um But when we moved down here, it was the first time in probably since since that since those early days where I felt love that I felt love again. Um my mother loves me unconditionally. My stepfather took an interest in my life. Uh in many ways, he he uh showed me what it is to be a father to take an interest to ask me what happened at school. Um he bought me my first guitar when I turned 18. He saw he saw something that's like this this kid needs something to focus on, and that that is what he that he got me. And uh so that that started my journey into music. But the the tough thing is that you know God has his reasons, God has his plan, and I'm sure there's questions in your lives as as well as I have in mind, why do things happen the way they happen? And so in 1989, February of 89, my father my stepfather was uh diagnosed with lung cancer. He was a Vietnam vet and did two tours of Vietnam. Uh he was a truck driver, and um I forget what other uh uh occupation he held. He tried to do some sales and stuff like that, but he was primarily a truck driver uh and uh diagnosed with lung cancer in February of 89, was given a clean bill of health in August, gets a headache, head starts hurting, goes back, finds out cancer spread to his brain. So he passes uh in October of 89. And uh, you know, I already had that anger boiling underneath from just you know being where I was and what I experienced, and just uh uh so at that, you know, up until the age of 17, I was uh I was in church. Uh when we moved down here, you know, my uh my mom and stepdad weren't involved in church. And you know, at that point I basically started to grow a resentment towards the church, you know. Um and that bloomed into full-blown rebellion in 19.

SPEAKER_02 33:42

How old were you when that started?

SPEAKER_00 33:44

I was I was 17 when I moved down here. My stepfather passed when I was nineteen.

SPEAKER_02 33:49

So that's when you started so that's rebellion.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

Yeah, I mean that's that's where the anger kicked.

SPEAKER_02 33:55

That's pretty much exact time because I grew up in the church as well, but I had I went through a divorce and and had trauma, and then you know, I'm not giving my testimony, but just I can sympathize, you know, kind of the same time. It's just kind of our stories are kind of similar.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

It's a pivotal, pivotal time because you're entering an adulthood.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

As as I read through your story, and when when we met this morning, uh he was like, you know, we got a lot of blurred lines, and you know, there's a lot of similar I said as I was sitting there reading, reading through your stuff, I'm like, I I thought that I'm like, man, him and Brandon have there's some similarities too. Yeah. And it's just it's I hate that anyone went through any trauma, but it's also I think the more people talk about that's what's so great about testimony, man. People, there's probably a hundred other people or more that are gonna hear and think, oh man, I'm not I'm not the only one, if maybe that's where they're at and thinking that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Yeah, we we all like to assume you we're we're unique and our problems are are special, and uh they're not. I mean, there's there's so many people that have experienced so much worse.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Yeah, oh yeah, and I just I often remind myself that you know we're born into a fallen world, and you know, but Jesus is our savior, and all the pain and suffering that we can go through. God takes that and uses it if you allow him and you accept him. God takes your pain and your suffering, he turns it into something beautiful and that can bring other people to Christ. And it just makes me think of Romans 8.28. Um and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. So it's just amazing how God can take your pain and suffering. One, he can redeem you from it and you know, heal your pain, but then he takes it, and he you know, it's like a blooming flower. Or maybe that's not the best analogy, but you know transform.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

It's like a tree. I mean trees grow slow and eventually stand tall and strong.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

Yeah, but you know, he'll take your pain and suffering and turn it into healing and deliverance and use you to help somebody else further his kingdom.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Yeah. Yeah, the the anger at that point, you know, it was off the charts. I was just I was just so I was just so angry at God. I was angry at my dad, I was angry at my stepmom. Um and I was just uh you know, I didn't I didn't jump straight into um into drugs and alcohol, but I don't know, within a year of experiencing all of that, you know, uh 'cause because I I love I loved my stepfather. Um he he was he was just a you know he was about six one six foot six foot one like me um and you never saw a dude with bigger sledge hand s sledge hammer hands. I mean uh I used to have this ring um that that he wore and I put it on and it just slide it slide right off my finger. I mean this dude just had some mitts and uh you know just the fact that he served our country at in Vietnam Um and made it back after two tours and just knowing his childhood he was he was just he was cast to the side by his people um he was he was a lone loner you know fighting for whatever he got scratching tooth and nail um and it's and it's a sad story and to to just have his life c you know he died at the age of forty six and when I hit forty six I was like man that guy was robbed he was he was robbed of life he had so much to live for so much to look forward to and I'm grateful that I'm I've made it past um that age um and and I don't begrudge the Lord for taking him now because I understand my life would have been on a tr different trajectory and the path that I'm on is the path I'm supposed to be on and I guess Floyd wasn't supposed to be a part of that. Floyd was his name. And um but it sounds like he had a pretty profound impact on your life in the short time that you got to be with him most definitely those few years most definitely to give you some hope and when you recovered from the anger that was created at his loss that took you on whatever trajectory you went on yeah his love helped guide you back to being the man that you are so yeah he he was he was a he was definitely a strong a strong man he you know even even in the midst of uh going through what he went through you talk about the devastating effects of cancer you know just uh you know the the stuff he went through the radiation the steroids I mean this this this man you know went from somebody who was fairly fit to being pumped with steroids and blowing up like a balloon you know he was he was unrecognizable um and uh you know he he uh something told him at some point along that journey that short journey from February to October to open that Bible and he he opened his Bible you know I don't we never talked about what he was reading uh he didn't reveal that to me but there was something that prompted him to do that and uh you know Lord willing I'll see him uh when when it's my time and uh I I hope and pray that that that time that he spent in the word was to search for answers and to search for that relationship with God and through Christ. Yeah. So but you know jumping in further a little further up the road you know I I started dabbling in drinking I didn't go full bore but it was just a slow steady progression I started drinking a little bit of beer smoking a little bit of weed and then then I got into doing some acid and some mushrooms I got into you know as I said you know got a guitar at age 18. By 1991 I was in my first legitimate band um this speed metal thrash metal band uh out of Columbus Ohio um I played guitar but I wanted to be in a band so bad they needed a bass player my my best friend at the time got into the band being their guitar player and he's like I'll play bass so that was that was my first uh foray really into a legitimate uh uh musical group and uh did that for like two and a half years um and formed another band with the drummer from that first band I was in and uh you know so that just basic started my journey my musical journey um and it was all secular there was no glorifying God um for a very long time uh throughout throughout my musical uh career um but uh 1994 um I met my first wife um I was I was pretty I was pretty much a listless lost soul even even though you know just take anger at drugs at alcohol but for whatever reason uh this this lady took a liking to me and eventually uh we began dating um 1994 was kind of the year that I grew up a little bit I got a I got an actual real job uh which turned into a career by accident well in my mind it was an accident but it was it was the will of God because it it put me on a path to be able to care for for the kids that I would have um um um so my first wife she already had a had a son Clarence and um uh he was three and a half so I was you know when we started dating I basically was had to become a father and I push I would I did not want to be a dad even though I was in this relationship with her um and we moved in together and uh spent uh I think it was like seven years before we actually got married something something or somewhere around there and um you know so I was I was a horrible father to my to my stepson uh I really was because I was mired in addiction um I hadn't started using uh narcotics yet but um yeah I had dabbled a little bit in between there but you know I I don't I don't know uh like it's let's talk about parent print parenting and what you what you saw what you experienced and that's what we pass on and so um that's what I passed on to to my stepson and uh so he got the short end of the stick and I've I've tried to make amends for that I've apologized directly to him for being a a horrible father for those early years and I I hope I hope it meant something when I when I expressed that to him because it it really stinks to have to have that in your past, experiencing it as a kid, carrying it with you and then he's he's now a father.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

Does he hold a grudge against you?

SPEAKER_00 44:20

I I don't think so. I mean, you know he he uh he works third shift and so he's on a you know anybody who's working third shift is in a different universe than somebody who works first. And if you've ever worked a third. Yep. But uh yeah so you're you're on a you're on a different uh schedule there but you know um you know we we will talk occasionally but I I think he knows that I love him. I think he knows that if he calls me and he needs me that I'll be there. That's all I can do for any of my children. That's all we can do as parents is to say I love you. If you need anything let me know um and and check in on them and make sure they're doing alright. But to so so I was married uh the first first time in uh 2001.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

So this so in backing up a little bit um in 1999 um I found I found uh a white substance that takes you higher than you're supposed to be right higher than God intended um I I don't know that you want drugs specifically mentioned on on the show yeah we we've all been there and it's part of both our testimonies and you you go the the deeper you were just is all the greater God's glory for getting you back. So talk freely.

SPEAKER_00 45:53

Okay. Yeah yeah you know I I you know I don't know what what YouTube sensors or whatever if you're what words you talk about that that dings you or whatnot but yeah so you know as I ex when I started when I started my my um uh path of s on my path of self-destruction because that's what I was certainly on um I had experimented with cocaine a few times but in 1999 it just like popped up on the radar again and at that point I was I was I was all in um and I I quickly became addicted uh to that drug I liked what it did for me um and uh so I I pursued it pretty consistently pretty hardcore and um so 1999 is is when that that nonsense began and uh um from 1999 to 2004 it was all about the drug and even though I got married in 2001 uh it was still all about that drug um it's it's wild how an addiction just takes over your mind right because you know you're always thinking about your next fix no matter what you're going through what you're doing that's always in the back of your mind like how am I getting my next fix you know and it's just it's slavery man you know it it really is because I know someone said you know like and my my addiction was heroin um and if I had ten dollars and was starving you're gonna choose a I'm not gonna go buy a sandwich yeah and that's crazy because our number one instinct as humans is to survive and you have to eat to survive and truly I would not have bought food with that ten dollars if I was no matter where I was at the only thing I was going to man I'm gonna start going through it I just I need that but I need food more but it's just not as immediate of a under your brain just rewires and it's it's years to really re your brain to rewire itself after you stop diluting it with those substances it's yeah you're unbelievable. You physically need food but you physically need that drug to to stop whatever chemical alterations it's made to to which are all consuming.

SPEAKER_01 48:27

I mean all consuming yeah yeah so I was I was consumed man I was I was absolutely consumed I was uh when I was in full blown addiction I was using on the way to work I was using at work I was using after work I would use at night I would um I would how many days would you go without sleep I really couldn't function without sleep because what I would do is I would get I would I would do however much I would do I would try I would try and save it right I would try it try and not do it all at one time and that sometimes I was successful other other times I was not and so you know if there was if there was liquor in the house and I've got to go to work the next day and I'm I'm I'm I'm to come down I'm I'm laying I'm laying in bed at two o'clock in the morning and it's like man go go take a big old swig of uh rum whiskey whatever whatever was in the cabinet just so I could get a couple hours of sleep right but I'd still hear I'd still hear that stuff in the basement Jared Jared I'm down here come with come come on man I'm lonely dude let's let's take care of this and and I've I fought that fought that and fought that and fought that sleep deprivity or I don't know if that's oh even a word let alone the word but you know what I'm saying being sleep deprived is uh is more uh like mind altering than any drug will do speed you know in my times with it where I've gone a few days things got really weird so you do you almost schedule like in the instead of and I I don't mean to laugh of it but you know when it comes to drug use and addiction you find ways we're we're just humans that's what you want so you're gonna figure out a way to fit that into your life whether that means like okay I'm gonna schedule I'm gonna stop the last bump I'm gonna do is gonna be at like 9 p.m because I know usually it takes me this many hours to come down and if I'm down by this time then I'll sleep till this time. Right. And you work all that out and it's so wild that that's how consumed you are by what this one little substance does to you whatever that substance may be to each individual person. It's just so wild.

SPEAKER_00 50:48

The things that we rationalize as practicing drug addicts and alcoholics is so ridiculous that you can't help but laugh looking back at it it's just like how how stupid and ridiculous was I maxed out man.

SPEAKER_01 51:00

You'll find a reason to party no matter it's Thanksgiving I had a bad day I'm I'm getting high oh I had a good day I'm getting high there celebrating yeah it's just it happened and in in the overall scheme of things it truly happens in the blink of an eye because you're doing it because you think you're choosing to do it because you're having fun doing it and then the realization hits that you don't feel normal without it anymore. It's not a choice it's you're that's when it becomes that consuming um that's when it becomes that where you're starting to restructure your whole life schedule to work that into it and it becomes so destructive in a short amount of time really.

SPEAKER_02 51:48

Isn't it ironic to think of it this way you know you're a slave to these addictions and and whatever it may be and the only true freedom is through obedience to God. Like that I mean it's kind of ironic right I mean if you want to be free you have to be obedient to God.

SPEAKER_00 52:14

I I believe that's true to you 100% I mean you know growing growing up like I did I knew I knew this whole time what I was doing was opposed to God and yet you know I was I was you know just making some notes last last night it's like I um you can make a life ev even as a believer you can make a lifetime practice of quenching the Holy Spirit you can if you if you are not willing to set self aside you're you're gonna be faced with that that reality you know obedience doesn't quench the Holy Spirit rebellion does and you can re you can still rebel as a as a as a believer in Jesus Christ. I mean it's you it's it's it's as prevalent as anything else.

SPEAKER_02 53:05

What what you just said makes me want to bring up this verse Matthew 1624 then Jesus said to his disciples whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me and what's really interesting about that verse is he says deny yourself and take up your cross and and what is a cross it's it's an agent of death right so what he's saying there is you have to crucify your flesh to be able to follow Jesus you have to deny yourself you know it's so prevalent today is just be who you are on the inside.

SPEAKER_00 53:52

Just follow your heart no what the heart is very desperately wicked.

SPEAKER_02 53:57

Yeah so you know Satan uses those things just to creep into people's lives and like you know whatever you're thinking about yourself in your head that's who you are so just just follow that and you know Jesus says something different he says deny yourself and crucifi you know pick up your cross and follow me. Kill your flesh because the flesh is wicked and that's just such a great verse for this day and age I think and I just wanted to throw that in there based on what she said.

SPEAKER_00 54:33

Sure. Yeah I mean you know I I'm my my heart was wicked um but in the midst of all of that there's so much um so many perverse actions thoughts and deeds um just uh because once once you remove once you remove um from your mind you know obviously under the influence of whatever substance the inhibitions disappear and you become something you don't want to be and and um you know the the whole uh pornography thing was you know ramped up in in that period of my life as well so um it's and I I'm sorry man I didn't mean to interrupt you but just the the pornography thing I think and like since probably last year maybe twenty twenty four it's be it's really got to the forefront because from the time that you're speaking and I remember the same thing my buddy's dad had a chest full of Playboys or whatever magazines and we just tear in but think about kids today and and how at their fingertips true video pornography is and what it's done to sexuality in our kids.

SPEAKER_01 55:53

All of a sudden there's confusion because there's all this crazy wicked stuff that you can literally access at the touch of your fingers on your phone.

SPEAKER_00 56:02

Sodom and Sodom and Gamor at your fingertips.

SPEAKER_01 56:04

It's unbelievable what the kids are going through now and it's really there's there has to be some sort of correlation to the the sexuality question marks that exist in our society more now than ever in the history of humans it has to be because some weirdo can create this video and put it out there and think it's like well is that is that normal is that normal is that supposed to it's so wild to me and how young they can access it but I just when you start speaking of it you know that being your first addiction I think it may have been a lot of us especially as men or boys didn't even know it you know it was just like oh man set us up this is crazy you know seeing this you know so it and then you think of what it's now became it's progressed over the years it's gotten easier than finding a trunk at a friend's house or or whatever it may be. It's literally every kid carries it right in their pocket.

SPEAKER_00 57:02

There was a mystery there was a m when when I was growing up it was a mystery you know women women were a mystery and that is no longer the case you can you can see anything find anything and and you know anybody who says that pornography isn't destructive is either a fool a liar or both because it is a destructive force even even it it's as it's as great a foe as cocaine or heroin or alcohol it is and people people want to minimize that and they're they're absolutely fooling themselves into thinking otherwise. I couldn't agree more yeah but uh you know I'm I'm battling that um battling uh addiction um you know so I it through through throughout this whole time man I I think I think I have been in a musical project starting in 1991 I think I took maybe a year off around 95 96 because I I blew my knee out uh at a job um had to have a couple surgeries and um but I have been in a musical venture since 91. I have not I it's just it if there's one thing that's positive that's consumed me is is that creative outlet because in in many respects respects once I eliminated uh drugs and alcohol and and all these addictions from my life that that there was still that gift from God that he gave me the ability to create music on a on an instrument. So um I in 1997 I was blessed with uh my my first child um aubrey uh was born in September of uh 97 um obviously still an active addiction um I I don't know necessarily what changed you know I other than I knew I was coming to the end of the road um beginning 2004 um and I don't know if it was the birth of Aubrey because I remember you know my ex-wife at the time got up early and went and worked at a donut shop and so it was my job to get up with Aubrey and take care of her. I remember being you know I I'm smiling because it's kind of humorous it's like I just remember getting up with her and taking care of her getting her a bottle and laying on the floor in front of the TV and she's got she's watching Barney uh repeatedly and I'm just I'm I'm laying I'm I'm just curled around her like a horseshoe and she's just laying back on me. The tape's over I rewind it and play again lay back down just trying to just trying to come to and uh you know she she was taken care of but uh I don't know Bar just the whole Barney thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:02

But you're recovering from the night before.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:05

Yeah yeah I'm I'm trying to sober up while listening to Barney um so I I just for for whatever reason it it it makes me it makes me laugh a little bit on the inside because it's again it's it's just ridiculous the things that that we put into our into our lives and and the things that we have to do to get normal again.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:25

But you know your your heart in the in that little snippet of story that you're saying what I take from it is your your heart has always been your heart even and I think that with anybody that's been into addiction and out of we are who we are the drug or the addiction will pull us away from that for a little bit but to our core so like you didn't just go plop your young child down in front of it and walk back and pass out in bed. You made sure you was wrapped around her. Right. So although you were in a place your heart was still you knew as a father like I can't just because there are I've seen some of the craziest things going into some houses when I was locked in addiction of young kids that I'm that even as I'm there I'm trying to score and my heart's breaking watching these kids knowing that they don't have a chance right because there's no type of their parents wrapped around them. So just you can smile about that because it's silly because you was watching Barney but you was there man so that speaks to your character.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:34

Yeah at least uh at least I didn't do what you see described you know it's just like uh um yeah I I couldn't do that because you could have made it easier on yourself by not having to recover right right in what was happening as a young man with a child I I would I would say you know there was some good that come from that story if you really reflect it deep you know right yeah yeah but uh so she was she was uh child number two uh or child number one if if you want to talk about being my my firstborn um and uh you know from from ninety seven to two thousand four beginning of two thousand four um I was like man I gotta I gotta I gotta taper this stuff down so I stopped I stopped drinking I don't know maybe March um and then sh no I I stopped doing cocaine I stopped doing cocaine like March of 2004 because 2003 it was bad I was I was I was on fire and I was just had had inroads and uh with a guy that could get a lot for a really cheap price and and uh I was I was a vacuum cleaner for the most part. Um I realized that something's something's gotta change you know something's gotta change.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:03

So I stopped doing cocaine in say March of 2004 shortly after that I stopped drinking and then but wasn't it when we talked previously you had mentioned you kind of had a flutter of heart like well yeah I'll I'll get to that yeah yeah that's that's September of 2004.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:24

Um so I stopped drinking I'm still self-medicating with with uh marijuana um I have this revelation that I should start going to AA so I think it was around July that I started going to AA I got a sponsor started working the program but I was lying to him about uh being clean and sober and um I used that as an excuse in August to to to go back to cocaine so I went on I went on a uh really bad two-week binge uh at that point uh my ex-wife had a had the fill of me took the kids down to her mother's like three hours southern Ohio so it was just me doing my thing and uh that that led to um that uh weekend in September where I'm laying in bed after that two week binge um because it was straddled August at the end of the end of August into the beginning of September. And um no this was actually I think I started I so I started using in August. It carried into September. September was that two week binge that led up to September 20th my sobriety first sobriety date. Um she had her she had enough she was tired of watching you know watching me do what I was doing coming home at seven o'clock in the morning being high acting like everything was normal you know just tired tired of the game that I was playing and rightfully so um I was I was every everything else was second third fourth fifth whatever to to get to getting my fix and um so she had taken the kids and um I'm laying in bed on that Sunday September 19th of 2004 getting the heart flutter uh thinking man am I gonna am I gonna die? You know it wasn't like I was having huge chest pains but I was feeling something that you know I was like something's not good. Um and so I called my mom and uh said Mom I think I'm done started crying. I was like you know I think because she knew what she knew what I was doing too you know maybe not to the extent that that uh that my ex-wife did but uh she definitely knew something wasn't right and um so she came out you know uh consoled me and uh we made a plan I got the very next day uh which was my first sobriety date September 20th of 2004 I was at Talbot Hall I got in for an assessment immediately got enrolled into uh intensive outpatients so I was doing that three nights a week uh three hours a night did that for three weeks and you know continued to go to AA and um you know narcotics anonymous was a program that I visited a few times but I found the consistency of character that I was looking for in AA um got a sponsor started working the steps I went to uh you know I I talk about going to church a lot as a kid but um sorry it happens man um a became became my new addiction in in in a positive sense yeah not a negative connotation there I was I went I once once I truly committed my life to being clean and sober uh I was going to AA six and seven nights a week um at least six meetings a week sometimes seven and I did that for the first six years of of my sobriety wow and so that that gave me the a foundation that I needed it led you know about year six uh the reason why that sticks out is because I was like man at this point I need more I need I need uh I need that I need to reconnect with God in the truest sense