The Freedom Room Podcast | Tania

Rachel talks to Tania about motherhood and alcoholism. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hello, um, and welcome to the Freedom Room podcast. Um, my name is Rachel, um, and today we are on episode 18, and I have um the beautiful Tanya with us today. Um, Tanya's been with the Freedom Room for two years. She actually uh turned two years sober last month. So Tanya's going to talk us through her journey with alcohol, um, her recovery and a bit about the Freedom Room. So welcome Tanya. Hi, so um can you tell me and the listeners what life was like for you, what what your drinking journey took you?

SPEAKER_02 0:52

Yeah, sure. Um so ultimately the first time I rem like really remember having a drink was when I was probably about seven or eight. Um, I'd actually pinched a six-pack of uh 4x gold out of dad's fridge and had taken it down the park and had drunk it with some of the older kids. Um that was the real first memory of of me having a drink.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Um so at the age of seven or eight um to do that, it was obviously um something that you were conditioned, you were shown something that was around you, because not many seven eight-year-old kids think I'm gonna go and take a six-pack um and go to the park. So I'm guessing it was at home.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

Yeah, um, it was extremely prominent at home. Um, my dad was an alcoholic, um, but his drinking was very normalized.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Um, I didn't really know any different. I very much did look up to my dad, um, so much so that I wanted to be just like him.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Yeah, little girls and their daddies, absolutely, I can relate.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Um and actually something I'd come to the realization um, sort of within my household, was how my mother was extremely codependent on my father um for the security uh and the support he gave us in terms of a of a house and a roof over our head that drinking was very much in fact like in enabled um in the household. Um so so yeah, it was extremely normalized. Um and and I I didn't know any anything different, and I did. I I wanted to be a grown up and you know give this a go. Um yeah, looking at it now, it's uh was not normal at all.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

And um, so you said that you know, seven or eight, and you went off to the park um with your your sixth pack and um your daughter is nine? Eight eight. Imagine that.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

I think it's the only words I can say, imagine that.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Um I would be absolutely mortified. Um times have changed though. Um I guess in terms of like when I I was seven or eight, we were very much left up to sort of entertaining ourselves, going to a local park, we wanted to be able to do streets. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

So when you got to the park with your six pack and with the older kids, you know, how did that go? What happened?

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Um, I don't I don't to be honest, I don't I don't truly remember. I remember drinking it, um thinking, oh, do they really like this? Um but yeah, it was sort of just a once-off, like we we were down the path for a bit and then we're off on our on our merry way. Yeah. Um the next incident, I guess, that I I um I can remember the the true effects of of alcohol was when I would have been about 12. Um my friend's parents had gone away for the night, and I was staying, and her brother was babysitting us, and we got into the liquor cabinet, and there was an array of all sorts of spirits and liqueurs, and um we thought we'd try at least one of each. Boy oh boy. Uh, the next thing I remember I was vomiting all over her bedroom, uh, ended up jumping in the shower, um, getting out, putting a floor mat around myself, and sitting in the kitchen on a chair while her mum came home, told her that I wasn't feeling too well, and she was saying, Boy, oh boy, Tanya, you must be sick. You can't even sit still. Um, yeah, I that was definitely something I more prominently remember. Um, and and waking up the next day and and that feel of shame, terrible hangover, um lasted yeah, quite some time.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Did did mum find out, you know, did her mum realise what was really wrong?

SPEAKER_02 6:16

No, she didn't. Um she mentioned this years later to her mother. Um so though in saying that, you know, perhaps she did, um, and it was something that just wasn't mentioned as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Yeah, not my trouble, let's not bring this one up. Yeah, she's not well. Actually, just reminding that did I notice that there was a six-pack missing?

SPEAKER_02 6:49

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Um okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Okay, so you got really sick um at your friends, um, and then thought, boy, that's it, I'm never drinking again, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:03

No.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

No.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

No, uh, no way. Um I guess from then that period in time, it just it did, it escalated into binge drinking on weekends at every opportunity I had. Um, and then sort of the older robot, like by the time I was 15, um, my parents were buying alcohol for me um for parties on weekends, um for events. Yeah, it was very much sort of enabled and and and normalized.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Um and again, the era and generation of um I'd rather her be honest and we know what she's doing and where she's doing it than out on the streets, so um, you know, by herself or whatever, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

Yeah, just so much. Um and then as I got older, I ended up getting jobs within the hospitality industry, and that was just consistent binge drinking the entire time. Um so yeah, I've I've I've always been a very binge drinker uh like initially a binge drinker. Um eventually got into a relationship, got married, um and throughout that relationship I became uh quite unhappy. Um and I guess that's when sort of my drinking escalated to to something that was extremely detrimental to myself, um, not realizing it at the time, I used it as uh a form of um I guess escapism for feeling entrapped. I felt entrapped in a relationship I wasn't happy with and I made a decision to stay there um based on societal views of sort of how a relationship should work. Um and it did, it got to daily drinking. Um and how much were you drinking on a daily basis? I think initially it was kind of like four or five um and then units, glasses, bottles, what are we talking? Okay, so four or five glasses initially, but very quickly escalated to bottles. Um going from one bottle to two bottle to cask wine.

SPEAKER_03 10:10

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

Um so it not only was I in sort of a I guess a unhealthy relationship, um, my drinking had become very unhealthy. Yeah, not only was I in an unhealthy relationship, my drinking had become extremely unhealthy. Um that also contributed to to issues with the relationship as well.

SPEAKER_04 10:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Um I fell pregnant, um, and then yeah, throughout the pregnancy, I when I knew I was pregnant, there was a an occasion where I did drink one or two wines, um, but most like that was a once-off, but had mostly sustained once I'd found out I was pregnant. On the other side of that, um, I was sober for a short period of time, but when my daughter was about um four months old, I got a job back in hospitality again, and soon soon enough again I I picked up basically where I left off. Um I justified my drinking because of my unhappy relationship, um, but it definitely wasn't just that.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

No. And we we like to we like to find blame, don't we? We like to think, um, yeah, I drink like this because of, not I drink like this because I've got a problem, I drink like it because, and we love to blame. And ex-husbands, I mean I was an expert at that. Ex-husbands are usually the one when we're in a relationship, or it's uh, yeah, if you were in a relationship like this, you'd drink too. Yeah, and we justify it.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

And I did, and I thought sort of when I did eventually leave that relationship that things would get better, um, but it it didn't.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Um and I absolutely 100% relate to that because I remember being in a terrible abusive marriage and blaming him completely, and I mean completely, I blame him for everything, you know. Um, and then when I left him, um had it have been just his fault, I'd have stopped drinking, right? You know, um, and I didn't, in fact, not only did I not stop, the drinking actually escalated because there was nobody actually even to be accountable. So I'm guessing that it was very much the same.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Um for certain.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Uh it was yeah, it stepped up next level. Um I don't know how I managed to function and hold a job, but I continued to. Um basically I had task one on rotation in the cupboard. Um, to be honest, towards the end, I can't even tell you how much I was actually consuming. Um my main priority was just to ensure that there was something to get me through to the day and it got to the point of blackouts. Okay, and were you drinking like all day, like through the day, or was it just in the evening and lots, or basically, um I was so before like I for so it would go from from depending on the day, to be honest. Yeah. Um, so if I was working uh that night, the night before, it'd often be a blackout. I'd wake up, I'd go to work, get through the day, yeah, and then be back on it to the point of blackout. On a day off, drinks would start at 8 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

After my morning coffee.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Yeah, okay. And did you have um custody of um your daughter at this point?

SPEAKER_02 14:49

You were I did.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Yeah. And I think maybe this is something um we also can address that um there are many, many, many, many um of us mums who were single parents who have drank very irresponsibly when we had um our children, and when we're in it, no amount of love for those children can stop us that you know we we don't choose to drink and not be present in our child's life, it just takes us, doesn't it? It's there's no choice. There I I I've said this before and I'm not proud of it, but it's the honest truth of where my drinking took me. I would have stepped over my girls to have gotten to that bottle of vodka because that bottle of vodka, for whatever reason, and obviously we know what that reason is now with addiction and how addiction works, but it was chained to me even stronger than the umbilical cord of my children.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Yeah, I totally agree. Um, it did get to a point where it was all consuming and I couldn't see anything else about drinking.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

And for non-alcoholic mums out there that will feel judgmental around what we're talking about, um, until anybody's been through it, nobody will ever understand. But one thing also, I think that we both would like to say don't let the shame or worry of being honest about your drinking as a mum to stop you getting help for it. Don't be scared to go and tell someone the truth because of the judgment that you think you might get. Um, because it does stop people, doesn't it? Because we are worried that they're gonna go and tell docs, or you know, we're gonna lose the children, or you know, um, and I know you've got a part of the story that we'll go to soon, but yeah, people um are scared to go and tell a professional that they've got a drink problem, especially like single mums, of the fear of the judgment and losing their children and that going against them.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

Yeah, definitely. Um eventually when I was able to sort of accept the reality of where I was at. And I guess further along in my journey, when I was able to have some self-compassion and love for myself and be able to let go of the shame with the support of the Freedom Room and yourself. That's when my journey of sobriety really started to kick in. Um ultimately if I couldn't let go um and accept the reality of where I was at, I would have just continued to deny um and continued to drink the way I did.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Yeah, the spiral would have got worse. So Tanya, um what happened after that?

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Uh so that's the point where I guess so I I actually stepping back for a moment, I did um join AA and I was sober for nine months. Um it was good, but it didn't really sit sit with me at AA. Um and after a short period of time I I I left and soon after leaving I once again was basically straight back to my old place. Um and there was a night I had a typical night, um but there was an incident where I had scared my daughter, um, and she ended up ringing her father. And he basically came and picked her up and took her to his house. The next morning I found out that he wasn't gonna let her return. Um still then for for a period of time I did continue to drink.

SPEAKER_03 20:20

Um it was basically this internal suffering of um I guess it was yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

So medicating the the internal suffering of wanting justification and things to be right, uh, but it it couldn't be any different than what it was if I continued to do what I was doing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

And of course, you didn't know. I mean, so you know, your daughter's father had come and taken um her and said that he's she's not coming back. You would not have had any clue how to deal with that pain, and probably at that point, that was the worst pain I'm sure you'd ever experienced. Um you wouldn't have had any tools or any experience or knowledge on how to deal with that pain other than drink. So, of course you carried on drinking, you know. Again, for non-drinkers or non-alcoholics would think, oh fuck me, surely that would be enough then that you know it should stop. Um but no, because that pain was so immense, how else were you gonna deal with that, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:46

Yeah, yeah, and I and I I didn't know how to do things any differently. Yeah. Um alcohol was very much a remedy for me to subdue the pain. um for that instant moment. I think after a period of time I realized that if anything was going to be changed, like to change and in the foreseeable future, if I was going to have my daughter return to my custody, that ultimately I had to really do something about this. But what led me to the freedom room was a mediator. So I had gone to speak to a mediator about mediating with my ex-husband. And he mentioned the Freedom Room and said you should try this place. And I'm I'm forever grateful for that. I'm forever grateful for um the honesty and the vulnerability that he actually showed me because it's led me to hear today.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

100% what that man did for you that day and um I'll make sure he listens to this you know and you know he's very special isn't he and a big part of um who you are today because without him being so honest with you and open and vulnerable with you um would never you would he wouldn't yeah you would never have walked through well not never but unlikely to have walked through the doors of the Freedom Room without this man saying what he said and outing himself if you like and going that little step further and saying you know and it wasn't even like okay yeah great we'll take care of the you know mediation with you and and your husband it was okay let's concentrate about this you you need to go get sober you need to go see this person I know what you're going through here we go I can help you um and yeah um I can imagine you will be forever grateful.

SPEAKER_02 24:27

I am I honestly see that as my sliding door moment.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Hell yeah. Yeah I am times like this that I actually wish that we actually um were having like a video um because the the smiles on both our faces right now of um of those memories of of you know of that and um yeah so you you contacted the freedom rooms then so well what happened from there um golly gosh I do remember my first day um it was yeah the beginning oh it was so nerve-wracking um because it was it was honestly the time that I had to honestly accept where I was at and that if things weren't going to be different um it I was heading to doom and gloom. I remember our first phone call and do you mind if I share something here it's there's it's nothing that but um so I remember the phone call and you said um about about your drinking and you was you know I was telling you about the program and and I think initially we spoke about doing a smaller program not the full program because um you'd said that um you weren't drink you said what your drinking was like and that you'd kind of got a bit of a hold on it but you still needed um you know that that help and then when you came in for your first appointment I remember you going actually that's not true my drinking actually is X, Y, and Z. So actually I'm gonna do the full program. Do you remember?

SPEAKER_02 26:31

I do remember you hoping I didn't um yeah I do I do remember signing up to this the full program um no ultimately I was I came in there with my my tail between my legs um moving on doing I guess doing the program um and not having my daughter left me to focusing on myself. Yeah um so over over a period of time after having some time of sobriety and a much clearer head I was able to focus more on that self-love and that self-compassion and build my confidence um eventually which led to another mediation um and I have custody or shared custody back with my husband now um but that would have never ever ever happened if I wasn't able to get sober. And looking at it now at the time obviously when um when he came and and took your daughter like we said it was the worst thing that could have happened the worst pain that you've ever experienced but actually I think you know we all probably need to thank him and it was actually the best thing that could have happened because from that you you got sober from that you got your daughter back from that your daughter has the best mum from that you know you've grown so as awful as that was look at what come from that yeah I totally resigned a hundred percent um sort of at the time it happened I looked at it very differently um I failed um very hurt and um very I felt like he was doing the wrong thing yeah um and I justified it in in in very so many ways and was in complete denial uh about my behavior at that point in time um now on the other side of it I am extremely grateful um for that situation to happen because ultimately as you said my daughter now has the best version of her mother she has ever had I've had I have the best version of myself I've ever had um and there's there's no way I don't think I would have reached this if it wasn't for that moment in time. Yeah and co-parenting is something that you know as we um separate um as parents is something that we have to do and you know doing that sober is something that you know co-parenting when you were drinking is not something that probably would look anything like what it looks like today I'm sure no um no yeah so I I guess throughout the program I've learned so many other life skills um such as boundary setting uh I've found my confidence um I can have an amicable relationship I guess despite my emotions or my personal feelings but do ultimately what's right for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 30:54

Yeah and I think that is one thing with the Freedom Room that it's not just about putting the drink down it's not just about not drinking because not drinking is the easy bit it's then learning to understand all the emotions all the feelings and you know recovery is 10% not drinking 90% the other stuff and we learn the other stuff um and you did say that you tried AA um and you know yep you got nine months um sobriety which in itself is freaking amazing what would you say though is what's different what what is it about the freedom room if anybody's listening who hasn't found their place what is it about the freedom room that's different or that worked for you why did it work for you apart from of course being owned by the most amazing English person in the world but other than that um it's definitely so the the program is the foundation right but we within the family there the tribe um have the opportunity to do things beyond the freedom room and bring it back into the room as a collective yeah and like I know you've said that you know um not not one pro program is necessarily suits everyone. No it's not one recovery is not one size fits all.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

That's what I was trying to say. Yeah one size doesn't fit all um so it's you know it's having the foundation there but but but still bringing all the knowledge and the science and and the healing and everything that we all know as a collective. And together we are stronger. 100% um and yeah the relationships and and the connection that I've met there have been like absolutely paramount um in terms of you know the the like minded mindset of of recovery and sobriety. If there was um to finish if there was anything that you could say um to anybody that's listening that is struggling um and struggling to to to reach out what would you say what would you tell them to do the the shame like we can all relate to making poor choices and to continuing to make poor choices and being stuck in that place um and the guilt and the shame that comes along with that but ultimately you know when when you are ready to accept where you're at just take the next step.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Yeah and know that no one's gonna judge you they're just gonna help you. No we're here yeah we are definitely we are here to support you 100% yeah okay well on that note I'd like to say thank you Tanya for joining me today I'd also like to say thank you for walking through the rooms of the Freedom Room I also want to say thank you for trusting me you know to help you and you know the Freedom Room to help you on your journey and how wonderful the transformation is of the person that first walked in the doors of the Freedom Room to who I see sitting across from me today and thank you for your your love in fact you know what I'm gonna say just to finish thank you for your unconditional love thank you everybody alright everybody I'd like to just thank everybody for listening today um goodbye from Tanya bye and a goodbye from me and we will speak to you next week bye bye