The Freedom Room Podcast | The Twelve Steps: Step Two

Talking about the 12 steps - Step 2 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hi everyone and welcome to the Freedom Room podcast. It's great to have you with us. So it's Camilla and Rachel. And we're here with you today with episode 12, and we're talking about step two of the 12 steps, and that is Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So um what we might talk about first is maybe about the higher power. Okay. Yeah, so what's your take and what's your experience been so far with the higher power?

SPEAKER_01 0:37

So my higher power today, let me talk about what that is. Um my higher power today is the feeling that I get when I know that everything is going to be okay. Um, the feeling that um, so when I was a little girl, you know, when we're little and you know, there's a big puddle in front of us, and we know that daddy will get us over that puddle, that's how I feel with my higher power. It's you know, it just feels like my dad will take care of me, um, you know, um, and everything's gonna be okay. But when I first came into the rooms of AA and I saw that, and I obviously, when I saw that um at the treatment center, you know, just seeing the word, you know, God, um, or thinking that that's what it meant, you know, and it doesn't say that, it says come to believe in a higher power, you know, in a power greater than ourselves. Um, and a power greater than ourselves is just anything but me, you know. Um, whenever I was making the decisions, or whenever I was um, you know, um choosing to do anything when I was drinking, it just got me into more trouble. You know, I picked up a drink, my my thinking um wasn't wasn't on the right path by any stretch, you know. Um my spirituality at that point, you know, um was was non-existent. Um, so again, just to make people understand a little bit more, you know, um I struggled more to be fair, um, with the second part of that step, you know. I know we've spoken about this before, but you know, for me, um, for something to restore me to sanity meant that I had to admit that I was insane. And you know, I didn't mind admitting that I was an alcoholic, but insane I was not. Um, that's the bit that I struggled with. Um, and yet, you know, very, very clearly when I look back at all of the decisions that I made, um, they were very, very insane. Um, the the one that springs out the most at the moment, you know, was the one that you've heard on on other um podcasts that we've done, the one we did with Amy, but the time when um, you know, to prove to Amy that I hadn't been drinking and I popped an antibuse in front of her after I've done a bottle of vodka, um, that is fucking insanity. Absolutely insanity. Yeah. Um, and and obviously we all know that you know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. And that's what I did every time I took a drink. Every time I took a drink, I expected not to get drunk, I expected not to cause drama, I expected you know to just have a couple go to sleep and it will be blissful, you know, and it never was, nothing was ever different, and and that is insane, expecting it to be different, you know. That's what they say.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Absolutely, yeah. Um, and um, yeah, and it never was. So um, yeah, so I was, you know, I very quickly understood that um my thinking, my thoughts, um, and my mind was very much insane. You know, it didn't take me long after somebody explained all of that to me to understand that I was most definitely um insane. Um so you know, I did struggle the the higher power, you know, that come to believe that that was going to be what was gonna help me. Well, I mean, it's really very difficult for, you know, when you can see something, when you can touch it, when it's tangible, when it's there, where it's in front of you, you've got more chance of believing in it a little bit. But obviously, they're asking me, you know, something that you don't even know if you believe in, that you can't see, that we don't even know is true, there's no evidence base, there's you know, all of this stuff. Um, and they're saying, and that's what's gonna help you with your alcoholism, you know. And it was like, quite honestly, it was like fuck, you know. Um, and I remember thinking, Jesus Christ, I've paid all that money, and that's all you're giving me. That it that's it. Um, but when I got the understanding of it, of just not making those choices myself, turning it over to a higher power, to something else that is not me, you know, because like I say, if I had to make the decision, the only decision I ever made was to take a drink, you know. Um, so it then began to make sense that I had to believe in something that was bigger than me, you know. Um, and obviously I did have to go and get something that I could see, I did have to get something that was tangible. I know what this is. Um, so I did have to um I got a bottle of sauce, as you know, as many know, I got a bottle of sauce, a bottle of HP, because I thought I was funny, and you know, and I put it in the fridge, and that's what me and my girls preferred to. All the time, my girls would say to me, What's what's your bottle of sauce say about that, mum? You know, um, but don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting for one minute that that bottle of sauce got me sober or kept me sober. But what I am saying is, even though I would joke about it, I would still turn it over to something else. I believe that something else is going to help me, and I believe that that bottle of sauce, not the actual sauce that was inside it, not that, but the principle of it. That was it. Not me, that bottle of sauce, you know. Um, and and it worked. It worked um for a long time. And obviously, now I don't need to have a bottle of sauce, I haven't had to have a bottle of sauce for a very, very long time. You know, I I have you know a higher power, but I do choose to call God because it does have to have a name, you know. It um and I just, you know, it's a God of my understanding, um, but it's not the man on the cloud with the beard by any stretch. Um, do I know what my higher power is? No, I don't. I just know it's faith. It's faith that everything is going to be okay. You know, as I said to you earlier, you know, I don't, as you know, as a rule, I don't really worry anymore, you know, whereas I was always a worrier, I don't worry anymore because I just know that my higher power will always make it okay. It might not be the outcome that I want, but it'll be the right outcome.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

And it feels like such a tricky thing for people to grasp in such early recovery. Oh, isn't it? You know, because when you're sitting here and you like for me being such a scientific nerd, like I like evidence and I like to see things working. And I've got three and a half years of evidence that's built up, and I've gone, actually, yeah, this does work. But when you're on your knees and you don't, you it's very hard.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Oh, you know, so early on in in the steps, you know, you would think that they would give you a little bit more before going straight in with that two, wouldn't you? To be fair, but um, but it works.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

There's there's a lot of proof that it works, yeah. And I like the part that it's came to believe that it's not suggesting for one minute that you have to believe in that exact moment exactly, that you just have to be willing, and this is you'll hear willing a lot through the 12 steps, you know, you're you're willing to you know uh think about it. You will you you're willing that you will come to believe that there is a power greater than us, and I think once it's possible, let's just think about that for a while. And I think it's you know, if as alcoholics, like for me, I was a 24-7 drinker seven days a week, or you know, couldn't go a day without it. For me, when I got one day up, I was like, there has been some kind of miracle happen. Because for me to not take a drink for one day, that was a miracle, then a week passed, and that was an even bigger miracle, and then a month, and then a year, and then two, and then three. And these miracles just keep banking up.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Oh mate, we are nothing but miracles, exactly. And everyone that comes here to the freedom room, anyone that goes to AA, anyone that goes anywhere that are now sober and nothing more than miracles.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

And that that notion of coming to believe in a higher power, that will quickly become no, no, I I actually do believe that there is a higher power at play here because you know, like we said, like for both you and I, Rach, like we were drinkers that you know, we were serious alkies. Um, and for us to get well and stay well, there's there's nothing short of a miracle there.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

Um, definitely not. No, there's definitely some higher power stuff going on, you know. How how we can go from that one day to to this the next um and have the life that we lead today. Um, and you know, the the other thing that um we need to be reminded of is that when we look back over our lives, the lives that we live led, you know, we should either be in the gutter, in the ground, in the prisons, in the hospitals, you know, we shouldn't be sat here.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

We clearly were being looked after by someone. Exactly. And that's you know, I think I shared it the other night in a meeting, it was, you know, it it's there was my higher power existed a long time before I even decided to try to come to believe that he was real. You know, I should have been dead. I again I should have been in a prison, and I do some service work in the women's prison, as you know, on um on Mondays. And when I was in there um this week, it was so beautiful to see these women, even though they're incarcerated, they believe that there's a power greater than themselves because they're not dead. I know, you know, and consider themselves being in prison.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

That's just marvelous. A second chance. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

And I look at that and go, yeah, you know what? That is serious gratitude, and that is seriously kicking the ass of step two, you know. They uh they are really coming to believe that there's a power greater than themselves. And you know, for for people like you and me, like I found, well, you know, in the beginning, I I thought I was truly insane. It was it was fairly easy for me to believe that. Um I had done some horrendous things, and as we all have, but you know, I I had lost my son, he'd been taken from my care. My my now ex-husband had left me, my family wasn't talking to me, you know. Everything that I had done towards the end of my drinking career was very obviously insane because no sane person will ever um put anything other than their child first, and I was putting drinking first, and that is insanity. Yeah, it is. Um, but the good thing is is that we have 12 steps. The good thing is we have all of these tools to use to make our lives better, and I think we're really lucky to have it. Oh, definitely, definitely count my blessings every day. And look, for anyone out there that sort of reads these steps and sort of you know sees the higher power and the God stuff and it and it's kind of freaking you out a little, you know, that's okay. It's quite normal for people if you're not already really just to look at it and say, Yeah, that seems really full on, I'm not into it. But what um just what from my point of view I would suggest is just give it a go. Go to some meetings, you know, learn about what a 12-step facilitation program is and just give it a go.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Absolutely, it's because it's not God as they know God, and it's not religious. That's the thing, you know, it is not religious at all.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Yeah, it's just knowing that there's something bigger than you out there. Um, and you know, again, like don't get freaked out. I know it's scary, but get to a meeting, you know, talk to people like us who run 12-step facilitation programs, um, and and read about it as well, you know. Oh, there's so much out there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

And there's so much literature, whether it be AA literature or other literature that you can get from other stores, you know, that talk about the you know the different ways of doing the 12 steps, you know, because the 12 steps, as we've said before, you know, 12 steps will save your life. The 12 steps will keep you sober for the rest of your life, but not just sober, doing it correctly and with all the alternative stuff that goes along with it, you will have the best sobriety, the best emotional sobriety, you know, because being sober is one thing, but you need emotional sobriety, you know. Um, and that's what you know the 12 steps will give you. That they will give you that, along with a lot of the other stuff that we do here too.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Yeah, 100%. Um, and I know that the last podcast we talked about Russell Brandt and what his step two was. So I'll just read it out. So his step two was could you not be fucked?

SPEAKER_01 13:11

So bearing in mind, so step one was are you fucked, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:14

That's right. Are you a bit fucked? Oh, a bit fucked. The second step is could you not be fucked? So do I believe that I need to change? Do I accept that change means I think and feel and act differently? You know, those kinds of things. Um and you know, it's also I I what I like about him and his take on those 12 steps is that he asks questions, you know, what's your concept of a higher power? You know, go onto his website, he's got some really amazing free literature. I love Russell Brand.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

I couldn't start with him before, but I also remember once I've got um a lady who I actually got into the rooms of AA um by giving her the Russell Brand recovery book, and I just said start with this. And what is exactly and she's now in the rooms of AA and you know, it's still sober, um, but it's done it from the big book. Um so I think muscle brands awesome.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah, and also if you want to read more about other 12 steps, we've got um a page on our website as well, so you can have a reader. The 12 steps can be a little bit overwhelming for people. And if you're just starting out, we don't want to freak you out. We just want to give you our experience with those steps.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

And and if it's done, um, you know, obviously if you do it th through AA, you get um you go and you'll do it with a sponsor. If you do the 12 steps with us, um, you know, we go through workbooks um and we explain everything, you know. You're you're not left alone to try and get on with this um 12 steps.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

Yeah. Well, thank you guys, and we hope that this has been helpful and we look forward to talking about step three with you next week. Yep, see you all then. Take care, guys. Bye.