The Freedom Room Podcast | AI-Anon

Talking about Al-Anon 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hi everyone and welcome to the Freedom Rune Podcast. We're on episode seven today. I wanted to thank you all for joining us. Today we're talking about Al Anon and our relationships with our loved ones. Rach, would you like to give us a bit of an overview about what it's been like for you in early recovery and how it's sort of transgressed through your recovery with your relationships?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Sure, sure. Hi everybody. So the biggest shocker for me was that I thought life in the home with relationships, i.e., partner, um, was just going to be amazing straight away. I thought, you know, I'm not going to drink, life's going to be amazing. And obviously, we've spoken about that before, and obviously I have to work on myself and I had to do the 12 steps, etc. But what I didn't realise was how much that my partner um also needed to really work on his self. Um, but what I didn't realise also was that you know it was quite clear that he didn't like me when I was drinking, but he didn't much like me when I was sober either, um, because I didn't know how to be sober. So we were we were just learning how to live again, and you know, everything, all of our past had always revolved around drinking. So um he didn't know how to be around me sober, I didn't know how to be around him sober. Um, so it was really, really, very difficult and more difficult than I actually thought that it would be. Um, and I know I speak to a lot of clients about this, and I always recommend that if their partners can go to Al Anon. Um, Al Anon is the sister company, I don't know, um, company, fellowship, um, if you like, um, to AA. So it was started by Lois Wilson, so the wife of Bill Wilson, um, and it's for the loved ones and um family members of alcoholics, and they work very much on the same principles as AA does. Um, they do the steps and everything, but they look at it from their point of view and from their side. So they help the you know, the the partner of the alcoholic, and AA and us help the actual alcoholic. So, yeah, going back to my relationship, it was really very different in the beginning. Um, we didn't know how to holiday together, we didn't know how to parent together, we didn't we didn't know how to live together, we didn't know how to do anything together because I was always drunk when we did all those things together. Um, and I just didn't know how to do it. Um, and it was very, very difficult, very, very difficult, you know. Um, sober sex. Yes, all right. You know, that that first sober sex is um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

It's not something you think about until you're actually sober, you're like, oh my god. Yeah, I only really had sex when I was drunk. Drunk, absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

It's it's a big eye-opener, actually. Literally, literally, yeah, yeah. So um that's something to look watch out for and enjoy, of course. Um, so for me again, I you know, always say to um my clients, you know, um, be mindful of how they're feeling, you know, because we have said for years and years and years and years that I'm never gonna drink again, never gonna drink again, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm not gonna do that again, and then we do it again, and then we do it again, and then we do it again. So, you know, whilst we are in early recovery and doing great in early recovery, don't be upset if your partner doesn't feel so secure as you do, because they've heard it a hundred times before, you know. Um, so what are you doing to show them that it's different this time? And that's why it's really good if they see that you're going to fellowship meetings and you're going to recovery coaches or wherever you're going, if they can see that you're putting this stuff into practice and and and actually properly living this kind of life, um, it will certainly help them trust you more, definitely. Um, my partner didn't go to Al Anon, um, he didn't go anywhere, but that was his choice, you know, that was entirely up to him. Um, and and I think, you know, for us as alcoholics, we go to AA when we're proper desperate, you know, when we're scraping ourselves off the floor, you know. Um, Al Anon, you know, it takes a certain kind of person to go to Al Anon, I think. You know, it's one of those people who quite like sitting around in a you know, in a group setting, maybe. Um, but I certainly would recommend it. They'll get so much help and understanding and talk to other people the same as we talk to other alcoholics, they'll be able to talk to other families of alcoholics and understand how they're feeling as well.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

And having that shared experience of, you know, you'd like you say, going through the same thing and that connection with people who understand them, which is probably not something that say my mum would sit and talk to her friends about at lunch. You know, it's not not a topic that would be easily talked about. So yeah, it makes a lot of sense to have that fellowship available for people, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Yeah, yeah. Because they just don't know how to talk to us, how to handle us, they don't know what the right things to say to us is, you know, we don't even know, you know. Um we we we we think to ourselves, oh, we're walking on eggshells when when we're drinking. Well, we're walking on eggshells when we get sober too. Yeah, it's true. Certainly in the early days, but you know, don't don't worry, anybody that's listening, it's not like that forever. Um, it is just a case of finding each other again, and and you can fall in love all over again. Yeah, it's also the beauty, you get to find each other again.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

And you know, before we sort of started talking on the on this episode, we we were um chatting before, and I was saying, you know, I you know, luckily or unluckily, my marriage didn't make it through recovery. You know, I my marriage broke up whilst I was in rehab, and it was something that my ex-husband wasn't willing to stand by me through, and that is extremely painful, but it's something that I have to respect his decision um to have ended it between us. Um and you know, sometimes it's it's not always, you know, what we said was it's not always going to be roses, you know, sometimes alcoholism and and even though I'm you know nearly three and a half years sober, um, you know, that's not a relationship that made it through uh that journey, which it's okay, you know, you you kind of learn to move on.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Um but also you have to actually admire um his love for himself. And I you know, we we learn a lot in recovery that putting ourselves first is not selfish. Um, you know, and we in early sobriety we certainly wouldn't have the strength to walk away from somebody like that, you know. So you have to admire him, you know, to a degree. Doing what he needed to do, to do what he needed to do, and loving himself enough and wanting, you know, willing to put himself first. So um, yeah, as much as when you're in that situation, it stinks, it sucks. Um, but you also have to admire them.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

And it turns out for the best sometimes as well, you know. I've gone on for you know, whoever is listening, like I've gone on to have a fantastic relationship with my ex-husband who I co-parent with. And I think that is due to um what I've learned and what I've gone through in recovery. You know, we we have come together and we're really, you know, we do a really great job of being parents. Um, but I think, you know, one of the things I was thinking about um loved ones, you know, my family took it really hard as is completely understandable. Um, and none of them went to Al Anon. But what I found was I was doing so much work of being in early recovery and I lived and breathed, everything I did was recovery. Um, I expected my loved ones to be at the same level as what I was, you know. Oh, can't you see? Don't you understand? And I would get frustrated with them that they weren't there. But we have to let them take their own time to get to where they can, you know, like you said, trust in that person's recovery and feel comfortable that that person is really going to stick it this time. Um, so being patient with our loved ones is so important. And I think we touched on it a couple of episodes ago, you know, and I I mentioned about my my sister, um, and it really took us a long time to come back to have a very close and loving relationship. But with that patience, that's the only reason that that ever came back that way, that relationship.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

And you know, with both your sister and your ex-husband, you know, if they hadn't have walked away, um, you know, your recovery might be completely different now, you know. Um, if your husband had come back and you, you know, you may not have been so strong in terms of, well, he's come back again and you may have picked up. Yeah, you know, you don't know. And the same with your sister. So, you know, both of them doing what they've done has definitely strengthened your recovery.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

I agree, definitely. And that can be a little bit of a hard thing to see when you're in that early stage of it.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

You never see it, you're never gonna see it. Like you kind of want to go, or what you know, that's and I'm pretty sure I probably had the conversations with you about your ex-husband, yeah, back at the time, you know. Um, and I'm sure you couldn't see it then, you know. Definitely not, yeah, you know, um, and then if you look where you are today, you know, um, yeah, so all the things that I said were gonna be happening has happened. That's right. Yeah, um, and sometimes you just have to trust, just trust.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yeah, and that's difficult, isn't it? You know, and that's when I guess it all intertwines with that higher power stuff that Alcoholics Anonymous talks about. Um, and you know, I think if people can see that when they've been in their true active addiction, you know, at the depths of it, to have any hope of stopping drinking seems like a miracle. Oh to be have continued sobriety seems like a miracle. So I think you know, there is something bigger than us that that helps us get to be sober.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Absolutely. I can do it for myself. I couldn't do it. Absolutely, you know. When I was doing it, I kept getting drunk. My whole life was you know, misery and mess. Yeah. Yeah. But when I stopped driving that bus, I stopped picking up all the idiots. Yeah. Yeah. And I stopped going in the wrong direction.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

That's it. And I think the biggest gift that we can give our loved ones is our continued sobriety.

unknown 11:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

And every day, you know, my I I feel for my loved ones because they would pick up the phone and they'd always be nervous because they wouldn't know if I was going to be drunk or sober. But after the weeks, the months, the years went on, they they trusted that when they picked up the phone from me, I was sober and everything was okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

And what a great gift.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Oh, I I remember seeing it in the girls when you know, when they first realized that actually I think this is it, this is the time, you know, she's not gonna go back on her word, and you can just see the difference in their eyes when you're talking to them and when they're talking to you, um, and something shifts. And uh yeah, it's magical. It's absolutely magical that um when somebody starts to trust you again, because when we get to that point of rock bottom, nobody trusts us, nobody believes a single goddamn word we say because we're nothing but manipulating liars, you know, um, not because we choose to be, but because that's what the uh disease makes us.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

It's true, and you know, I've just we're lucky to be on the other side of it. But you know, for for anyone listening, like Rach and I are a good example of you know, Rachel's marriage is you know, you know, stuck it out and and you know has standard the test of of recovery. Mine didn't, but both of us are sitting here to to sort of tell the story. Absolutely, you know, and if your marriage is not feeling so great and you you're worried it might break down, you know, it may it may well get through it, but it may not. But you know what? We're we're all gonna be okay at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Exactly right. And if if your marriage breaks down, I will tell you one thing is that yeah, you'll deal with it a damn sight better if you're sober.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

That's it, exactly. We have the room and the capacity to deal with those emotions, which we wouldn't if we were drinking. Absolutely not, absolutely not. Yeah, and um, you know, we have you touched on sober sex, we actually are gonna have a whole episode about sober sex when we build up that courage. We keep talking about it.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

We uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Yeah, but we will be talking about it because it's a real thing.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

It is a real thing and it's massive. Yeah, you know, um, my husband will be um more than happy to tell everybody how my sex life changed when I got sober.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

But it's it's an important one to talk about, I think, because it's frightening.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

It's real and it's raw, mate. You know, that's what we're about. Yeah, you know, um, we say it how it is, we're real and we're raw. And uh yeah, sober sex is coming up. Watch this space, everyone. Or listen, there'll be no videos. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

Thank God.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Well, thank you so much to everyone for joining us. And and again, if you head to our website, we'll have a link um for Alan on um on there so you can um have a click-through and read and and learn about it a little bit more. Really recommend it. But if you can, um, you know, recommend it to your loved ones um for a bit of support for them too. Yeah, they need it. Yeah, they're important too. Well, thank you so much, everyone, and take care. We'll speak to you next time. See ya. Bye.