SPEAKER_03 0:13

Hello, and um welcome to the Freedom Room podcast. Today we have got Sydney. Um Sydney is one of our um relatively new members. So um hello Sydney. Hi, um it's lovely to have you with us today. So Sydney, can you tell us a little bit about your story about how alcohol um addiction has affected your life?

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Yeah, so I started drinking around 14, 15. Um, it just started out, I think, at high school parties or family events. I remember just feeling like, wow, I don't have to think anymore. Um, the overthinking and anxiety just drifted away instantly. Even then, I would always be the one getting the most drunk, which led to embarrassing myself and feeling a lot of shame around my actions. Um, into adulthood, my drinking got worse and I would drink alone a lot, you know, message people and not want to look at my phone the next day.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

I think we can all relate to that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Um go out and put myself in dangerous situations. I started getting banned from different venues towards the end before I got sober. Um, and I couldn't just get drunk in the end, I had to take it further with other substances. Um, because what happens when you start mixing cocaine with alcohol, um, I found out it actually creates another chemical in the body. Um, so when you start going down this slope of mixing it together, the brain starts pairing the two. Um, and over time the brain can start treating alcohol as a cue for cocaine cravings.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

100%, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Yeah, so towards the end, cocaine wasn't just a social thing anymore, similar to how it started with alcohol. I started doing it alone, which led to paranoia, not sleeping for days. Um, so I already had this need to drink all the time to feel okay, and now I had this other drug in the mix. Um, addiction affected everything in my life. I got in a severe car accident, my savings were going down in thousands, and I didn't feel like I could connect with any I could connect with anyone without it. So I just felt how a lot of people feel an addiction completely helpless.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

And and can you tell us, Sydney, um, for the viewers or the listeners, um, how how old are you?

SPEAKER_00 3:03

I'm 25.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

Yeah. Um, so um what was the turning point that led you to pick up the phone and ask for some help with the Freedom Room?

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Definitely that helpless feeling of being stuck in a cycle of embarrassing myself, spending so much money, losing friendships and relationships. I just wasn't someone I liked very much. I still drank after my car accident to try to deal with that in court. Um, I just had another bender in the end and was so completely sick of myself and living that way. Um, that day I talked to my mum about the Freedom Room, which I had already come across the website quite a while before that. Um, but that day we made the call and I had my first appointment that following Monday.

SPEAKER_03 3:58

Uh-huh. Um, yes, I remember that that call actually. And so what were some of the biggest challenges that you have faced in recovery? And especially because obviously you are quite young as well.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Um, well, I'm two months sober today. Woo! And the past few months had been some of the hardest for me because I had my court case just weighing above my head. I had so much anxiety around that. Um, the first date was before I had joined the Freedom Room and I drank to deal with that. Um, when I finally took the step to get sober, I couldn't run away from these emotions anymore. I had to sit with them and process them without substances, which I had never done before. Um, so it was com really confronting and hard for me. Um, however, it was necessary and I'm really grateful and lucky in the sense that I have such supportive friends around me as well. Even the friends that I was doing drugs with or drinking with have showed me nothing but encouragement and express how proud they are of me. There has obviously been a few people I don't see anymore or as much now that I'm sober, but those connections weren't really helping me to begin with.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

Yeah, um, and you know, um we often say get clean and sober and you'll soon find out who your friends are. Um, you know, not everybody stays around, not everybody disappears, but the important ones stick around and you know the ones um who are actual friends and the ones that will support you and encourage you, um, and certainly not try and enable you to um have another um drink or take any kind of drug. You spoke about um the court case that you had and um what what were you being charged with? Can you talk a bit about that?

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Yeah, so um what actually happened, we might as well go into that. Um I had gotten in the car leaving a pub and no recollection of really being there or leaving, um, decided to get in my car and I've crashed. I'm swerving all over the road apparently, from what I was told, and I've crashed into um where there was road works. Um, and I've gone up the back of a comte. I got charged with dangerous operation of a vehicle, as well as um it's it's called a I U I L, so under influence of liquor, which is pretty much they as my lawyer explained it, uh DUI and steroids. So they it's pretty clear without even testing you that you are drunk. Um I don't remember the police getting to the scene, ambulance or anything like that. Um so that's like obviously really confronting when you wake up in hospital and you've got no memory of how you got there. Um yeah, it was definitely a big turning point.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

And obviously, um we certainly um not suggesting that we condone drink driving or anything, but it's one of those things that all of us alcoholics and addicts pretty much do.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

Yeah, because your your judgment's not there when you when you're in that state.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

No, well and when we're drinking, we don't make rational, safe choices. Um I remember many times I would um go out to the pub. Um sometimes I would deliberately drive, so with the intention of I won't drink too much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

That goes out the window after.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

I I drank exactly the same amount and still drove home.

SPEAKER_02 8:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

Sometimes I'd get a cab, but I drove all the time. I drank drove with my children in the car all the time. In fact, even worse, I drank drove with other people's kids in my car. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

It's uh and when you're like before you get sober, you know, the self-worth as well isn't there. You don't really think about those things as much because you don't really care about yourself or all life.

SPEAKER_03 8:47

No, you don't, and um not because we're bad people, it's that's what alcohol and drugs do to us, you know. Um, and I've always said for me especially, drink drive in was like shoplifting. Drink drive in, you only stop when you get caught.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

Um, and some people don't, exactly right. Um, but if you don't get caught at all, it just you know, I remember times I remember one particular time, and I was going down a um carriageway in the UK, um, and it was something like two or three in the morning, and uh I honestly, I mean, luckily I was the only car on the road, I was just all over it, and I remember wishing that I would get caught so that I would stop doing it, yeah, because I knew that somebody was gonna die. It was either gonna be me or I was gonna kill someone.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

You know, it's that helplessness, like you want someone to catch you because you physically you you can't do it yourself, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

No, but at the same time, can you imagine living with that guilt if somebody, you know, if you got caught at or you hurt someone, it doesn't bear thinking about.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

How has your recovery changed your life now?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Um, well, it's changed my life in every way. I'm learning how to communicate and connect with people without alcohol and figuring out who I really am and what I'm passionate about. Um, if someone was to ask me that in my act of addiction, I would never know how to respond because I had no passion or motivation for life. I thought the only way to get through things or have fun at all was by drinking and doing drugs. Um, but you really do get a new lease on life. You learn how to sit with the hard feelings, your sleep is better, you've got more energy, you're grateful for so much because addiction makes you face yourself and start doing the work.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

We hear, don't we, the words a grateful alcoholic, a grateful addict. Um, and when new people come in and they hear people say that, they look at us and go, What the fuck?

unknown 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Why would you Well the word alcoholic people don't want to call themselves that because of the shigma around that word.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

You know, and and it's the stigma around addiction itself because people don't understand that addiction doesn't it's not so black and white.

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Addiction doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, how much money you've got in the bank, and it wouldn't even matter if the queen was your mother. If it's gonna get you, it's gonna get you. Um how has your relationship with um your family um and your friends, how has that changed since um being in recovery?

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Well, they're a lot better now. Um, all of the drama in my life regarding my relationships with other people just isn't there anymore because I'm not doing stupid shit drunk or saying things I shouldn't have said. Um, I'm not worrying my mum all the time with where I am or when I'll be home or what I'm doing. Um, I also will add that I can be certain that all my connections are genuine now because I'm present in them.

SPEAKER_03 12:33

I bet your mum was constantly worried about you for a while there, I'm sure. Yeah. Um they they get to a place where it's almost like they're waiting for the police to turn up on the door. And they did. And they did, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

But not like probably a few times.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Yeah, yeah. Um, and yeah, I I've seen the difference in you um just in these two months. Um you know, when you first came in, you were a little shy mouse, and um you've really come out of yourself, and um, yeah, it's um beautiful to watch, it's beautiful to watch anybody, um, but yeah, you've you really have um you've started to shine.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

Um, so can you tell us what kind of support that you get from the Freedom Room? Um, what are the things that you have tried in the past and and how they may differ?

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Yeah, so I tried AA in the past and also drug and alcohol counsellors. AA never really stuck. It did motivate me a little bit, but I didn't have the same connection I do with TFR. As much as I'm aware that your higher power doesn't have to be God, I just found that was a bit of a barrier for me in terms of connecting and understanding the 12 steps. Um, it's also very structured with AA, whereas with the Freedom Room, things feel a bit more laid back.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

Um, I'm talking about in terms of meetings because Rachel comes out and says something really stupid and goes, okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Um yeah, and when it came to the other drug and alcohol counsellors I saw, I never felt like they really understood. They obviously had the qualifications, but having someone that has been through it really does make all the difference. Um, I was never told that, hey, I know you want to control your drinking, but for some people that isn't an option. So once I was honest with myself and realized I couldn't moderate my drinking, it actually took such a big weight off of me and trying to control it. I didn't feel like it was a willpower problem anymore or some moral failing. Um, and I could stop being so angry with myself for failing in my attempts to moderate. But I will say though, even if one of these psychologists said all the right things and I connected with them, I don't think I would have been able to stay sober for long because the community I have within the Freedom Room, it just holds me accountable, it makes me feel less alone in my struggles and like I'm not having to explain myself because everyone understands and has been where I am and was.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Yeah, and um and as you said about you've never had anybody say, like, yeah, that's great, I know you want to moderate, but I'm sorry, there ain't no way that's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

And and because probably um I had stints where I could moderate, you know, and it they never lasted very long. It's always the dragon's always following you, you know. And it's almost yeah, you're being set up to fail because um the mental energy that it uses to try and limit your drinking when you are it and then add being an alcoholic on top of that.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

Oh man, that like okay, go and have two. Fucking hell that it's torture, yeah. Absolutely torture.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

That's why it's and it's so frustrating when you have people that obviously don't understand addiction or haven't been through it themselves, be like, you just need to I I've been told this before, actually, these exact words, you just need to have more self-control, learn how to control yourself, right? And it holds it gives you so much shame because luckily in myself I had learnt a bit about my addiction to be like, well, you're a fucking maker, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:45

And you know, by when you've got no self-esteem, um, because you know, when we are at our lowest, when we're you know really in our addiction, we as you said earlier, we don't think anything of ourselves anyway, we don't care. We our you know, our self-worth and self-esteem is on the floor, and then somebody tells you, you know, go and moderate or control yourself, have self-control, and you try, you try really fucking hard to only have two, yeah, and you can't do that, yeah. And then you're made to feel even worse. Yeah, and then what do we do? We go and drink, and it's just it's a hamster reel. It's yeah, um, and I remember um going in one of the many, many attempts that I had had um in the past of trying to quit drinking. I went somewhere in the UK, and at the end of my drinking, I literally was just topping up constantly. You know, I was never sober, I was just constantly topping up. And I remember this woman saying to me, What does it feel like, you know, um when when you are sober, how does that make you feel? And I kept saying, Well, I don't know, because I yeah, I am never sober. And she kept going, you're hungover, but yeah, but you know when you get up the next day and you think about the day before, and and I would say, but I still wasn't sober, and then she kept going, yes, but and it was like she got a fucking code. Yeah, it was a professional in the UK, and it was like you could see that she was getting frustrated that I didn't understand the question, but I was getting frustrated because she was asking me a question that wasn't relevant because I was never sober.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Yeah. So and even like this kind of reminds me of what how a lot of people sort of try out sobriety, and because it's doesn't feel great at the start, like it takes a while for you to start enjoying your sobriety, I think. Because you need to start doing the work on yourself, you know, the drinking and the using was it played a part, but take just taking the alcohol, the drugs away, you're still left with yourself, and who you are is an unwell person.

SPEAKER_03 19:29

Yeah, it's like now there's a common denominator here. What's that? Oh yeah, me.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Um so we take the drink and we take the drugs away, and we think life's gonna be amazing, but then we realise that ah yeah, I'm still here, I'm still the problem, um, and I need to work on me, and that's the hard part, right? Putting the drink down is the easy bit, learning how to live without it is the hard part, yeah, but also um the reward from that though is greater than anything else. Oh, for sure. Yeah, and we don't know who we are when we get sober because we haven't been sober for and clean for so long. And a lot of us used alcohol and drugs to escape who are because we were made to feel that we didn't fit in. We were so good at wearing a mask and pretending to be somebody else and drinking and using to feel that we could fit into this fucked up world, yeah. Um, and you take all of that away and shit. Yeah, we don't know how to live. And it really is like being reborn because you have to learn everything again. Yeah, you have to learn what you like, you have to learn you know what you enjoy doing, because we get to a plot of our world, our life, and the only thing that we enjoy, the only hobbies we have, the only thing that makes us tick is drinking and using. Yeah, and we have to learn all of that again. Um yeah, it's not for the faint-hearted, is it? This uh getting well, but it is the most amazing thing. Yeah, there's no better feeling.

SPEAKER_02 21:21

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

What advice would you give um to anybody that um is struggling at the moment, maybe with alcohol or drug addiction? What message of hope could you give them?

SPEAKER_00 21:34

I'd probably just say um there are options out there for you that will work. There are people that will understand your struggles and will make you feel seen and heard. I didn't think anything was going to work for me, and that I just needed to have more willpower, but that is so far from the truth, and it's really hard to think any other way when you're still stuck in that place, and maybe. You've tried on your own before or seeked support that had no luck, um, just keep going because there is another life for you. Reaching out for support isn't weak, it's one of the strongest things you can do.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

It really is. We're made to believe that um having an addiction is weak, that we um are not strong enough. Willpower doesn't even come into the fucking equation. That's one of the biggest things, actually, for a lot of people, that stops them getting help first, because in the rest of their life they can be really powerful, positive, make things happen kind of person, and they believe that they should be able to do that, and they and they can't, and it takes a long time for them to reach out and and ask for help because they feel they should be able to.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

What are some of the misconceptions about alcohol addiction that you would like to address?

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Um, that addiction isn't like, well, a lot of people think addiction is a choice. Um, the first time you drink or use may be a choice, but addiction changes the brain, it changes coping patterns, habits, your reward system. No one chooses the shame, the isolation, anxiety, blah, blackouts, damaged relationships. You know, it's a constant mental battle that comes with addiction. And this is why people go in a loop of promising themselves this will be the last time and continue. This is why people have horrible things happen to them because of their drinking or using, but still can't stop. Um another would be what an alcoholic is meant to look like. You don't have to be drinking as soon as you wake up to classify as an alcoholic. Some people binge on weekends, black out occasionally, or go through periods of control. Addiction doesn't have to look like what you see in the movies.

SPEAKER_03 24:08

100%.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

I think um yeah, one of the I think the thing that really upgrades me the most is people thinking that addiction is a choice.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:23

Fuck off. The way we were living, do they really think that we would choose to do that?

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Because like surely they can see that this person isn't enjoying the way they're living, but no, they don't.

SPEAKER_03 24:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

And then it's their only relief in their life.

SPEAKER_03 24:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

That's and it's causing a lot of havoc in their life, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:48

The pain that they are in and that they are using the substance for is pain that nobody can even voice.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:01

Um, and nobody chooses to live like that. Nobody. Um, and especially when it comes to so let's say with drugs for an example, um, all right, they're illegal, right? So if you have a drug, you know that maybe you shouldn't because it's illegal, you know, and maybe that was the choice to take it first off. Alcohol is the most dangerous drug out there, and it's the legal one.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

It's the most normalized, it's on every corner.

SPEAKER_03 25:42

You know, it's the one you have to justify not taking. And by having a drink at the legal age of 18, nobody is doing anything wrong. Now tell me that that was a choice if somebody becomes addicted to that legal substance that the government wants to make so much money out of.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

You know, everyone's questioning, oh, like, why can't you just have one drink? It's never, oh, why can't you just have one line of coke? Why can't you just have a little bit of meh?

SPEAKER_03 26:16

Isn't it? You know, I've never ever had somebody offer me heroin and then I go, Oh, why? Yeah, go, no, you're alright, and then they go, why? What's wrong with you? Never trust anyone who doesn't show up heroin. Crazy, isn't it? Absolutely crazy. Is there anything else that you'd like to share with our listeners today, Sydney?

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Um, I'd just say again, you're not weak for needing support. Um, and a sober life may seem boring to you right now. I used to think it would be, but my life is so much better now in every way.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

100%. Getting sober. Even me at like 14 years, right? 14 years clean and sober, I have done everything that there is to do sober, I reckon. I don't think I've done anything that um I shouldn't would find hard. But um I have so much fun, I can go and enjoy myself, and but the people will say, How do you do X, Y, and Z without drinking? Or don't you find it boring, you know, or I can't go to that person's barbecue um without drinking. Yeah, why is that then? Because the person's boring?

SPEAKER_00 27:40

Because you're boring, because it's you know, because you don't enjoy putting ourselves in situations that weren't fun to begin with.

SPEAKER_03 27:49

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

You know, yeah, like you can go to a party now and you're like, okay, that was fun for like two hours, I'm gonna go now. Yeah, and you've had a good night, but you know, if you were if I was still drinking or using, I'd be there for the next two days. I wouldn't be there for the next two days if I wasn't drinking because it'd be fucking boring.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Ex isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 28:12

That's it. Yeah, is there really anything else to talk about?

SPEAKER_03 28:18

And that's so true. People get to a point where they leave early because it's like, well, actually, I've spoken to everybody that I want to speak to, and I'm now hearing the same thing for the third time. It's time to leave. Yeah, but you know, we don't have to give anything up when we get sober. Obviously, there's lots of things in the early days we recommend that you don't do straight away, but you can still go anywhere and enjoy life because for the want of better words, you're sober, you ain't dead, and that you can have a really great fucking life.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Yeah, definitely. I'm going to a concert tonight, it'll be my first ever sober concert.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

And it's some of that screamy shit, innit?

SPEAKER_00 29:09

It's not that heavy, probably to you. Um, but yeah, I'm going with my friend who is sober as well. And you know, if this was me before I found the Freedom Room, I would not be looking forward to it at all if I was trying to be sober. But now that I've learnt the tools to live my life without alcohol, I I'm looking forward to it a lot.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

You know, that's awesome. We look forward to hearing how that went for you.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:39

All right. See you tomorrow. All right, listeners, thank you very much for listening to us today. And um, look out for some new podcasts. Thank you, Sydney.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Thank you.