PB&J

EP 4 - The Version of You That No Longer Exists

• Panda, Beast, and J9

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0:00 | 42:38

Can trust ever be rebuilt, or is a relationship permanently changed once it's broken? In this episode of PBJ, Panda, Beast, and Janine dive into second chances, personal boundaries, forgiveness, and the difficult decisions that come when someone lets you down. From friendships and business relationships to dating and family dynamics, they explore when it's worth repairing something and when walking away is the healthiest choice. 

The conversation takes a deeper turn as each host reflects on a past version of themselves that no longer exists. They open up about people-pleasing, emotional growth, self-sabotage, childhood influences, mentorship, and the hard work of becoming more self-aware. It's an honest, vulnerable discussion about accountability, personal evolution, and the beliefs that shape who we become. 

If you've ever struggled with trust, questioned your own patterns, or wondered how much people can truly change, this episode will leave you thinking long after it ends.

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SPEAKER_01

And just like that, you're here. Welcome to the PBJ podcast, where things get a little messy, a little bold, and definitely not fucking boring.

SPEAKER_00

We're serving up some real talk, some hot takes, some conversations you probably shouldn't have, but we're having them anyway.

SPEAKER_04

So settle in. This is PBJ. Help us save the whales. Oh my god! PBJ, Panda, Beast, Janine.

SPEAKER_02

Hey.

SPEAKER_04

What up? Um, so yeah, I I am of the this is continuing from the segment we're talking about for can trust be rebuilt or is the relationship cooked? Um for me, it's just like we had this thing, right? And it was this thing, and you've done this thing that now makes this thing a shadow of what it was, right? It's now a lesser version of what it was because of what happened, right? So do I now have to like spend every day like in a lesser version of what it should have been because you made like a selfish decision?

SPEAKER_00

Like, is that are you talking in terms of relationship as in partner or in business?

SPEAKER_01

Because it's it's it behaves the same way by the way, but you lack optimism, like you you lack like the hope that it could potentially grow into something better. Like just because a tree falls doesn't mean that like a piece of it won't start growing all over again, right? So automatically you're you're you're you got jaded, you're you're hurt, um, you want nothing to do with it. Yeah, you put your hand on the stove and you know you're gonna get burnt again, right? But what happens if you just turn off the stove, right? Okay, or or make it not as hot, okay, or whatever, right? And try to like fix the situation that you're in.

SPEAKER_04

It's less than it's less it's different. It's not a pain.

SPEAKER_01

It's not the same, it's different.

SPEAKER_04

It's not a fear of pain because I'm actually super comfortable with being vulnerable all the time. I don't care if I do it.

SPEAKER_01

That's right, you don't feel any pain in it.

SPEAKER_04

Like, I don't so I'm like, I'm very quick to people tell people I love them because I do. I like I feel love, and like if it's if that makes me vulnerable and people reject it, I don't care. Like it doesn't bother me. It's more the fact that like it's just like this thing is now like a shittier version of itself. And I have watched it's more of like a data set that I've watched so many people cling to the hope that something it'll get back, it'll and then it's they've like wasted like another massive segment of their life, like a fucking prison term.

SPEAKER_01

It was a learning experience, and for someone who I've seen you help so many people, right, become a better version of who they are. I would be so I'm surprised why you wouldn't want to do that with someone that you love. I do and ultimately benefit you in the same scenario, right? And change the relationship that was once one thing, now is a thing that is not as good the way you perceive it, to something that could be so much better.

SPEAKER_04

I do believe in helping the person and having the conversation. I don't I'm never someone who will refuse to have a conversation with someone about something because I being British, like we don't get mad about things, we just talk, like we just talk and we learn something, and it in theory we figure it out, or we can't, we we've hidden in past, and that's what it is. But we're gonna like take the path of dialogue to get there because that's what mature individuals do, right? But for me, it's more like I I'm down for that, but I don't know that I want to be in this situation anymore because I'm just going to have a constant reminder of this is now here, like this is now the 90% version of what was the highest.

SPEAKER_00

So let's give our audience an example. Let's put let's do this situationally. Okay. Let's say you're in a you're in a B and I or an NPI group.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. No, no, no. Make it less make it more like personal than that. Let's use a more personal example.

SPEAKER_00

But the business one's a good example too, because you're forced to see that person on a weekly or monthly basis.

SPEAKER_04

Let's say you work with them. Yeah, but so it's like for me, I literally will just never speak to you again. Like that's easy for me. Like you literally no longer exist in front of me.

SPEAKER_01

So you'd rather I'm so serious.

SPEAKER_04

So you'd rather escape. No, it's not even escape, it's just like You're dead to me. Okay. The way I view things, and Chad GPT will disagree with me on this because we have a conversation about this, is I rank partner, potential partner, pandas, potential pandal, panda, people. I don't talk to people. And so if your behavior behaves a certain way, you're now in the people category, and I don't talk to people. So there's really nothing for me to say to you.

SPEAKER_01

I think that um I think that you need to you may need to work on on your emotional uh maturity to some extent. Okay. And I think there is some truth to you saying like it depends on the situation as well, right? Like obviously if they did something so horrible.

SPEAKER_04

No, but it's not even like it's not like I like in the sense that like I will be cordial, but there's no reason for me to like maintain any sort of a relationship with you. So it's not like you're gonna say hi and I'm just gonna like turn around and walk away, but it's like I'm going to, I'm not going to I have a standard for the relationships in my life and I'm very intentional about it. And so like if you don't fall into those standards, like I will be cordial and say hi, but like that's like if you want to continue a conversation past that, I'm genuinely not interested. And I don't have any I've never been someone who's affected by like social cues or like social expectations. So if I don't want to continue talking to you, I'm going to tell you that I don't want to continue this conversation. I'm going to do something else. And if it's a public setting or if it's a business setting, I like don't care. I don't need it anyway, so it doesn't matter to me. I'm not losing anything. Even if I was like, I think, I think there's something to the fact that you need to like set boundaries and you need to show people how they are allowed to treat you. And if it hits a harsh like wall like that, people will realize like there's like they gotta like be respectful of how they treat you. And I think a lot of people end up, oh, I have a 10 of friends. No, you don't. You have a ton of people who you just happen to know, right? Like, and like they're not really your friends. And I think a lot of that happens and you in in the like speak negative, or there's drama and stuff, right? Which we don't have. And I think a part of is the fact that I have always been not strict everyone about how they have to behave, but I've always been very strict with like um my expectations of the relationships I maintain and people's behavior toward me and my behavior toward people um that that like attracts people who think similarly and pushes away people who don't, which is like good because it behaves as like a wall to keep like a filter to keep the the wrong, I don't want to say the wrong people because I don't know if they're wrong people, but like the people I don't want relationships with out.

SPEAKER_01

Um I think like it's important to give people a second chance, especially if you've invested a lot of time and energy uh into something. Yeah, right. Um and then you have to decide whether this is the person that you want to continue being with or not, right? And I feel like you have more of a shorter circuit, maybe. I do have a shorter circuit.

SPEAKER_04

I will give a second chance, but the energy is 100% gonna come from you.

SPEAKER_01

And that's fine, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

SPEAKER_04

No, what I mean is like that energy is gonna have to 100% come from you. I will not if you invested it.

SPEAKER_01

If you had invested a lot of time, like and even you're saying it now, like I I wasted all this time, da da da try to save part of that time.

SPEAKER_00

I think it depends though. I honestly on the situation. Okay, let me I don't think about it.

SPEAKER_04

I can think that I wasted the time. I think if I make the wrong, I don't think that was a waste of time. I think making the wrong choice will then create a waste of time. Because I didn't know, like until that moment, it wasn't a waste of time because I didn't I knew I had a few. Everything's a risk, but everything's a risk. Right, but certain things I feel like are a risk not worth taking is more what I'm saying. Like the the this is not a worth a risk worth taking.

SPEAKER_00

I I I feel like there are two people in that they're not even in my life anymore because of that. But I think that it's really situational where it's like you did this, the cause is I will never I will walk right by you and not even acknowledge who you are, type scenario. There's certain things that I feel are unforgivable, and I think that's different for everybody. I I really do. It it depends on the situation. But I mean, one thing that happened to me really, really hurt me by two friends and I chose to sp stop speaking to them and they apologized and wanted to get back into my life, and I'm like, what you did is unforgivable a hundred thousand percent, and I will never go back to that because if I go back on my values and the reasoning why, then all of my friends and family will look at me in a way that's like, how dare you stoop to their level and allow them back into your life because you're you're lowering your standards. Do you know what I mean? So it depends on how you left them. That's right. So it really depends on the situation.

SPEAKER_01

And you know, and and there may be, you know, there may be situations, not necessarily someone that you have a relationship, like yeah, I think we're talking about like uh like an intimate relationship, right? But like a personal relationship with anybody with anybody, right? Like some people, like, yeah, you are just way like my life is so much better without you in it. Right. That I don't need I don't need you in my life, you know what I mean? And that's fine. You know, you can you can have that perspective, but I'm all I'm saying is like evaluate and see whether it truly, if you really want to go in that direction or if you want to try to save things. Like, I'm I'm always like the type of person that says, like, if something falls and breaks, I'm gonna try to fix it. Yeah, it may not look the same, it might be a little cracked here and there, but you know what? I still cherish, I still cherish that entity, or I still cherish that relationship in one word.

SPEAKER_04

It's funny you say that because one of my favorite arts is a Japanese art called Kinsugi, which is like when something breaks, they will like, or like if you had a porcelain cup or whatever and a piece of chips, they will take gold and they will fix it.

SPEAKER_00

It's like the Cubans, they'll fix anything.

SPEAKER_04

But they use gold, they take gold and they will like so if a vegas cracks, they'll put it together, but they won't glue it together, they'll put they'll put gold in the middle so you can see the cracks because they believe that there's like a beauty in that. So I I do get that, but I um I'm like I was talking to somebody who had been interested in dating me, and I was like, and for like two years I wouldn't give it a chance. And I was like, let me give it a chance. Not for anything other than the fact that like I I had seen their previous situation, I didn't like the way that looked. I was concerned that that they might bring that behavior here. Yeah, and we hung out, and then there's like was like a snarky remark, kind of that I didn't, I was like, no. So I do have a short circuit that like if something happens I don't like, like I see landmines everywhere, and if I see if I'm like no, done.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, that in that regard, there's some degree of of social intelligence that goes in there, like you know, just from like you know, being any like a spectator of what what that's it. Like if you go out and you see like these people fighting and you see like how horrible their life is, you're like, I don't want that.

SPEAKER_00

I saw two people fighting in Walmart, like a man and his girlfriend or wife, I don't know what it was, fighting to the point where everyone in Walmart was afraid of what this gentleman could be capable of. And I remember thinking, I feel so awful for this woman. She's clearly trapped. She's having a an argument in public, hopefully, with someone stepping in, because that's when that's her opportunity to have someone step in from the public, as opposed to like there's certain situations that I I don't know.

SPEAKER_04

That's so weird to me, because just culturally for us, like expressing anger toward a women does woman doesn't exist. And so seeing that is just like I don't I wouldn't even know what's like there's just so like there's nothing a woman could at least like I said, culturally, there's nothing a woman could ever do to us that we would get angry. We might be like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Even if they poisoned you?

SPEAKER_04

We would just if something happened, well that we did, right? But like we would um if anything happened that a woman did that we just like genuinely like really distastefully to the end degree didn't like, we would just like remove ourselves from the situation.

SPEAKER_00

What is what is an example for you guys that I mean you can go as deep or not deep, but like what's an example for you where you're like this is without a question, I'm not continuing this relationship in any capacity. Doesn't have you know oh business, relationship, family.

SPEAKER_01

Uh if anybody um puts their hands on me, like tries to fight me or anything like that, I completely I don't want to be anywhere near that person. And I've I've stopped a lot of uh friendships with people uh and family and kind of family members, right? Um from situations like that. Like as soon as like you put your hands on me, like you want to cause harm to me, physical harm. Right, right? I guess it could be both like physical and emotional harm. Does someone ever put their hands on you? Yeah, they have. Yeah, he's a little guy. Yeah. I mean, I'll fight back. I have no problem fighting back. I don't fight fair, you know what I mean. Um, but you you know, if the tools that I was given was to use my mind, I'm gonna use my mind.

SPEAKER_00

I'm Italian and I am very, I'm very like, I have the mama bear in me. So like if someone hurts or like injures someone that I care about, yeah, it's I turn into like well, I mean, it's more like crazy mode.

SPEAKER_01

It's more like that that other person had problems with like alcohol. Uh you know what I mean. I've never had like anybody try to like fight me or anything like that, you know what I mean? But like it was just a problem. That person's never gonna change. Um, they are who they are, but my life is so much better without that person in it, right? I feel like my mic is so low. Yeah, you're good, right? Is it good?

SPEAKER_00

You're good because I want to see your beautiful face on the camera.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, cool. Awesome.

SPEAKER_04

For me, it's lying. Like any, like it takes one. I'm good. Because for me, like, hurt me. Like, I I don't mind hurt like if you if you're if something happened, hurt me. Like, that's fine. I like I don't humans are supposed to be hurt. That's like a part of life, but like lying is a problem. Like, I don't I have zero tolerance for lying because I can't talk to you. Because if I can't assume the words coming out of your mouth are facts that I can build around, I literally can't communicate with you because I have to question every word.

SPEAKER_00

Clock it, and so like that's so true.

SPEAKER_04

I can't. I it's not even like an anger thing or whatever. I just literally logically cannot maintain a relationship because I can't build anything around what you're saying, and so I can't build a relationship, and so I'm literally wasting my time.

SPEAKER_00

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_04

You got this is good. Oh this is interesting. This is interesting. Which one? Tell me about a version of you that no longer exists.

SPEAKER_01

Oh man, that's such a good one.

SPEAKER_04

Real quick, real quick. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

You sure? Positive.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, so I had an entire life before this life.

SPEAKER_00

Hi, Gabe. We love we love Gabe. Uggs.

SPEAKER_04

Uh, before my sex change? No. Um, before um before I came back to Florida and I lived in Massachusetts. It's crazy because I have a photographic memory, but I really can't remember most of my life from that time because it feels like it was someone else's life. My god, he is short. Um Gargamel and Smurf meaning over onto it. Um so before I'd met my mentors who taught me what it was to what servant leadership was and what it was to like really be like loving and thoughtful, my thought process was be the smartest person in the room and make sure everybody knows it. And so I was very condescending, like, if somebody did something that I felt even slightly slighted, I would immediately like go into condescension mode. And I think back to that now, and I'm like, that was me. Like, and I know it was me, but like it's just so weird to me because I don't I don't know, just between building my business and the pandas and stuff, and I found like such a love for just like being there for people and like helping them grow and being a part of that journey, like, and it just feels so good that like the idea of saying something to someone with a negative connotation, I it's weird to me that I ever thought that that was a way to go. And like, for example, give just a quick example. And this happened a lot with like so like for a long time my father and I had like I don't know, he he has a he has a he micromanages a lot, like as his behavior, which is interesting because as I've gotten older, I've come to understand it as less as him, and this is like me speaking like in a way that like I now understand him a little better because I used to think of it as just like God, like you just want to live someone else's fucking life for them. Like, was your life that unfulfilling? But like as I get older, I look at it as like more of uh a desire to protect someone, like I'm going to build a wall around the stove so you can't burn your hand. And so even though, like, as the person has happened to him, like didn't don't love it all the time, like I can now see that it comes from a um good place, but some but but in my younger years, I would take it as like an attack, and so I would get very condescending with him, and I regret it, I actually regret it a lot now because like I feel like when we're young, like there's this assumption like, oh, your parents know everything, and like they should know best. So how like why are you fucking up? You're supposed to know everything, but it's like no, like they're literally just people like figuring out on the fly just as much as you are. And so I think that's where it started, and it probably and I wish I had understood what I knew now then, because I think I would have like had more of an appreciation. Like, I don't know what it was like to get deported and come here and start with nothing and have nothing and try to build something while like having like a kid and like trying to put all this together. Like, that must have been so and like he put me into one of the best schools in the country down here, and I don't know how he afforded it. I genuinely don't know because we had nothing. Like, I don't know how he did all that, but he did, he like made it happen, and that had to have been so hard, and I was like so unappreciative at the time, and it just manifested itself into like condescending behavior that like continued into my adult life, which I have gotten past now, but like that version of myself like doesn't exist anymore. I love that, but it's like so gross to think about it. But like I'm am I glad it happened? I don't know, but I will say that I'm appreciative of that it happened so that I can see it from the other side and see like the the difference and like never go back to it because I know it was there, you know what I mean? And not fall into the trap of it again.

SPEAKER_00

That's that's so self-reflective and amazing to look at that past characteristic. I think that's amazing to be vulnerable and and say that for sure.

SPEAKER_04

What about you?

SPEAKER_00

For me, it's uh it's people pleasing. Saying things that I used to never want conflict, and so I would always appease people whether I thought they were correct or not, because I never wanted to make them feel uncomfortable by me feeling uncomfortable ultimately, but I never want them to didn't want them to think I was uncomfortable. So I'd be like, okay, okay, I was a yes per oh, well, you know, I never wanted anyone to feel like there was conflict in the air, but I was the one suffering because I didn't believe that what they were saying was factual. So now I can't looking back, I can't believe I would have ever done that because my mouth is way bigger than my body.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And everyone who knows me now knows that that would never, they would never think that that would be me.

SPEAKER_04

So how did you it this is how did you was there like a straw that broke the camel's back, or what was it that allowed you to transition from like one side of the coin to the exact opposite? Maybe not, but you know what I mean, go through like make that change. That sounds like it probably was not easy.

SPEAKER_00

I did a lot of self discovery, I took workshops, I did a lot of inner work that really focused on characteristics that happen to you in your life always go back from childhood. Everything is like childhood trauma from something. If people don't want to address that or work on that, they will carry that trauma in. One way or another in personality traits for the rest of their life. It it takes hard work and it's scary and it hurts. And you you have to just take things head on. And I think for so many years I didn't want to do that. And so once I really got into, oh, that's why I did that. I'm like, I'm never gonna do that again. Once you're aware of these personality traits and what the cause is, you can never go back. Which is a really cool thing.

SPEAKER_04

Uh one of my mentors, Olivier, who's like the only man I'll learn learn from. I most of my teachers are women, and that's like intentionally so. Um, he gave us this. We gave us anytime you ask him a question, the answer contains a book. So you have to be very if you're gonna ask the question, you have to understand that like is it gonna come with it's gonna come with fucking homework. Yeah. So which is ends up actually not being a bat. I get why he does it now, having been on the other side of it. Is but he gave us two books, which is think one is think and grow rich. Oh yeah. Which um was they talked about your subconscious is formed at the age of seven and you didn't build it. Parents, teachers, blah, blah, blah. You were five years old, and someone fed you a piece of shit, and you were five years old, and you don't know how to say no. And so it like found its way into you, and it's been sitting there like a fucking tumor, just like polluting everything, and it's there. And if you don't remove it, like the whole idea, and he was like the idea that like a lot of people win the lottery, but then then it broke again because a circumstance happened, but it didn't change the belief that I'm garbage, and so they do what it takes to get back to garbage.

SPEAKER_00

Um self-sabotaging, it's it's it's terrible.

SPEAKER_04

I'm not good enough for this, I don't deserve this. I'm uncomfortable, tear it all down. Um, and then the other one was once again the John Maxwell, the five levels of leadership, which he gave us, and he was like, This is gonna expose you to yourself, and like your the value you get out of it is how willing you are to uh remove your ego. Because I believe that pride is the cause of all problems. Like, someone goes to jail because they got in a fight and hurt somebody, like that was pride, like anything that happens, or like you wanted to yell at somebody, you wanted to be it was like your pride, you were just being prideful, you could have walked away from the situation, you chose not to, you made an emotional decision, and now your life's more fucked than it could have been because of your pride. And so he was like, if you're willing to like let go of your pride and your ego um enough to allow yourself to be exposed, then you will have a chance to change. And I think I was just like at a point, and in fact, I remember what it was. I remember I remember I remember what it was to transition me from condescension behavior to the other stuff. I I still remember to this day. We were and it's so innocuous, but it's like it just profoundly changed me. We were at a thing, and we were all sitting, and just like Olivia was in front of us talking, and we all stood up, and there's this dude named Virgo, who's another one of the brokers I came up with. We were all agents together, we're all like babies coming up together. Um, it was weird because we all own our own offices now, and I remember we're little babies just starting, but um Olivier looked at Virgo, and he was just like that conversation we had the other day, and they just like started like tearing up looking at each other. And I swear to God, I was just looking at the way they looked at each other, and I was like, I just want someone to look at me like that one day. I want if just like I was like vicariously being fulfilled by like seeing that. And I remember going up to him after, and I was like, I'm tired, enough's enough. Like, tell me what just tell me what to do. I'll do anything you say. Like, I was just like pleading almost. I was like, I can't carry this weight anymore. I'm this is not happiness.

SPEAKER_00

And yeah, it's so it's so true.

SPEAKER_04

And he gave me those two bucks, and I was like, and he was like, if you're willing to allow yourself to be exposed, which it was just the right place, right time, because I was just so tired, I was like, I don't give a fuck anymore. Like, whatever it takes to have just that feeling of what I just saw, I will do anything.

SPEAKER_00

And I think that's that's when you realize that you need help in certain areas, and people that don't feel like anything is, let's say, quote, wrong with them, or they don't need to change certain behaviors or adapt or figure out the reasoning, they get stuck in this vicious cycle because they have their ego getting in the way, telling them that nothing they do is wrong. People that don't apologize when they're wrong drives me insane, it's a pet peeve. People that talk to other people and let's say, you know, claim that they did something wrong, but it really was just an under like a misunderstanding, but they don't apologize for it. It's like if you don't swallow your pride, like to your point, and admit when you overreacted or you mishandled a situation, I don't want any part of who you are.

SPEAKER_04

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Because in order for me to respect you, you need to be able to admit when you dropped the ball or you didn't do something, or you have to self-reflect. And people that don't do that, I have no, I have no space. So let me ask you this.

SPEAKER_04

This would be an interesting one. What is one behavior currently still in you that above all others you think needs the most changing or improvement?

SPEAKER_00

It's funny. That's a question, I think, in there too. That's so funny. I felt it in the force. That's so funny. I think I wrote that one down. I would say that the answer to that would be success and feeling like I deserve the success. I think ultimately so like imposter syndrome kind of thing? Yeah, and I feel like I I feel like, yeah, I'm at where I'm at, but I feel like I could be 10 times better than what I'm at if I had the right mentorship or if I didn't get stuck in my head.

SPEAKER_04

But what does that look like when you get stuck in your head?

SPEAKER_00

That it's self-deserving of like financials. It all has to do with financials.

SPEAKER_04

So do you mean like you feel like I'm not where I want to be, but like I don't deserve to be there anyway, kind of thing?

SPEAKER_00

Correct. And it's a mental thing from childhood that I'm working on that's stemming from growing up in poverty and and growing up in situations where we didn't have much, but we had each other. We always had love. So for me, it's almost like subconsciously I sabotage myself because I'd rather have good relationships with people that I love than have money. It's bizarre, but you need money in order to thrive and survive and have growth and have stability and financial security. So it's almost like I've self-sabotaged that. So that's definitely something that I need to work on. What about you?

SPEAKER_04

Uh for me, and it's it's interesting, it's crazy how things travel down the line of time. Like, this will come back to my father. Oh, my father's gonna love me talking about him. Actually, he wouldn't care. He he'll be fine. I don't I don't think. I mean, I one of the things I love is I feel like he and I can be honest with each other about a lot of things, which I don't know was always the case, but has become and has like been an improvement because I really love my dad. Um his mother, who was my grandmother, nobody was upset when she died. Nobody was upset when she died. She was horrible. She would like attempt to pit people against each other, like in horrible ways.

SPEAKER_00

She was a pot star.

SPEAKER_04

Or like, I don't know if you'll love this, but I remember a story of like my grandmother and grandfather went with my dad and his little brother to like Wales or something where it's like 100 miles away, and they like just abandoned my dad at like 14 with his bike, and they're like, figure your way home. Dead ass. Dead ass. And so, like, that was who my grandmother was, was like, rip everything out of you, rip everything good out, like a Dementor in Harry Potter. I'm going to rip everything good out of you, right? And so, like, then my dad, he became he's overly affectionate because he didn't feel love. Overly affectionate, right? But like, when I say overly, like, not in a bad way, because I actually love that because I'm heavily affectionate. So it's like, it's weird that like, so like my father became the opposite of his mother in that way, right? But I became the exact because my mother's not as affectionate, but my father is, and I became the exact replica of my father in that way. So it's weird how like either someone repeats something or changes it, or does total opposite. But it's interesting because I feel like we came from a very bad place and got to like a mid place, and we've gotten to like a a better place because like so if he was somewhat micromanaging but very affectionate, I've now become very like not managing at all and affectionate. So it's like every iteration is like attempting to like improve on that which came before, but the one the one that I have left that I'm hoping that I will improve, and if not, like the next generation will improve on is I tend to uh so weird. I tend to and this is like sometimes unfair to the people around me. I tend to be very like blase nonchalant about what it takes to get things done sometimes, and so it will often require others to lift more weight than they should have to, because I'm just like, oh, it's gonna work any like so much of my life that I've been like just kind of happened, like ended up well, that my mind just assumes like everything's gonna work itself out, right?

SPEAKER_00

That's a good belief though, because it probably does because you believe that everything is.

SPEAKER_04

It does, but a lot of the times it works out is because other people are lifting more weight than they should have, because I'm just like floating on the river.

SPEAKER_00

But I think that to be be devil's advocate, I truly believe that what you believe manifests itself. So I'll give you an example. I believe I have a parking angel. I don't know why, but everyone seems to want to carpool with me when there is an event or going downtown because I know that I'm going to get parking and it's gonna be primo parking. It might be directly on the AV, directly most likely, in front of the actual business that I'm going into. I have believed that for so long that is that I'm convicted in that. I wish I could say that I can do that to win the lottery, or that I could do that in business. But if you believe something enough, you tend to manifest that. So your belief, even though you think other people are doing more.

SPEAKER_04

I promise you other people are doing more.

SPEAKER_00

But that's okay because everything's still working out, and people are taking. Don't feel like you that's a bad thing for you, is what I'm saying. It that you feel like you're not doing enough.

SPEAKER_04

All right, well then I'll give you another one because that I do I feel like that's a problem of cognizant. I try to do a lot, I try to like overcompensate and do more because I feel like I'm asking too much. And like, not this isn't just me, like, oh, he's just like thinking people are doing more. And oh no, like I genuinely like even like my mom, like, she's had to like there are just things throughout my life that like I really could have just like not made harder for her, and I did, which is weird because like my mom's like my god, so it's like spitting God's face. Um I like I'm super like tender about that. But um the other thing is like I wish and I hope my children one day do not feel like the the binary feeling of like win or lose. Like that something's either like win or lose. Um because I tend to think of things like that, like win like binary, like that, like win or lose, and I'm unwilling to lose, so I'm going to make sure I win. But not everything's like a competition, but I tend to bring that element in. Yeah, which I feel like is not I feel like it's not a positive thing. And I and you've been successful because of that in business. Yeah, but yeah, but like when you're successful in business, you start to realize how before you're fully successful in business, you think success in business is going to be a real win. Once you become successful in business, you realize how little it mattered once you're on the other side of it. Like it doesn't so what?

SPEAKER_00

I'd like to try it out.

SPEAKER_04

I get I understand, and I felt the same way, but like so many of my friends are like married with kids, and I would often sometimes think not that I would want their specific relationships because I don't, I don't, I absolutely do not. Not because there's anything wrong with them, it's just like not what I would necessarily want. But I will look back and think, like, god damn, like I'm 41 and like now I'm going to start that part of my life like late and all that stuff. Or I say late, like late compared to the average person, like is that worth it? I don't know if the end maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't, I just feel like you know, it's like it's worth what you put energy. I see people talk about this shit as like they're like, oh, I like you start to get like material wealth or whatever, and it's like you start, and there's this idea when you don't have it, like, man, like, because TV and stuff makes us feel like man, they look like they're so happy once you get that, like everything's fucking great, and you get there and you're like, I mean, fuck, I sit at home and paint. So, like, you know what I mean? Like, what is that? I didn't need any of that to sit at home and paint. You know what I mean? Like, I wish I had so I just wish I had viewed it less as win or lose over time, and even now, and I try to like I I wish I viewed things less binary as like win or lose. Because when you think win or lose, like someone's gotta win, right? So then by definition, you're like, everybody else has to be an adversary, their competitor that you're competing with to be the one on the number one spot on the podium, right? Which I think is not indicative of a good society and not indicative of good relationships. And I feel has hurt relationships in the past, and I feel like I've I'm improving on it, but I feel I could I could do better. Um I'm very lucky that a lot of the pandas, the time we spend together, has is a lot of sometimes something has happened to them and they want to talk about it. They want some not even advice, versus someone to talk to about it. And it's helped to lend me more into that space of like just being more like the support role, which is funny because when I am a gamer, I always play the support role. I love that shit. Um, but I just wish I saw things less win or lose because I would I would have more relationships that I wish I had not lost, and then sometimes even now I'll catch myself doing it. Not as often, but I'll be like, why the fuck did I do that? Like there was nothing to win or lose here. And all I've done is like created put someone on like on a defensive feeling for no reason, and but I'll catch myself after I've done it. I'm like, once again, like first impressions the way you make someone feel, they don't forget it. I'm like, I've now now I've now become the person who made something the worst version of what it could have been.

SPEAKER_00

I understand.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But part of changing is in growth. It's not really changing, it's growth, is being aware of that. That's the hardest part.

SPEAKER_04

If you were not aware of it, then but the ninth time you do something, it's like the first eight didn't click.

SPEAKER_00

Like it's hard to, but it's also hard to change old habits because it's part of your DNA, it's part of how you react when you do certain things. So yeah, I give yourself some grace as well.

SPEAKER_04

No, I understand I I appreciate that, but I just like I don't know. I don't think that's not to say that's an excuse, but I feel like in a way it kind of is, in the sense that like oh, you know, or certain people like, well, this is just the way I am. I hate that excuse. I hate that excuse is like, bitch, this is your life. Like if you want to fix it, like if you want to change it, like change it. Like, do it. Like, that's not an excuse, it's just the way I am. So like I don't like taking that for myself. It's like, no, like you need to like fix that like now. And it will happen again, but it's like I don't that's something I don't believe in extending grace to myself to because it's like no, like I feel like when you extend your grace, you've given yourself a pass.

SPEAKER_00

But it's also something you identify with being a bad characteristic, yeah. As a then a good for example, when I went through and we'll stop here, when I went through a self-discovery course, which I still love and recommend that anyone go through it's in Fort Lauderdale, I spent a lot of money and a lot of hours. And I'll tell you what, um it was a very interesting process, but something that someone said to me, they were like, tell say your qualities. And someone once told me that I was manipulative, which I kind of always felt like was a bad trait. And so I'm sitting in a room of all these people and I'm like, they're like, do your best traits and your worst traits. And I was like, I'm manipulative, and they're like, Well, why do you think that? I'm like, because other people have told me that. And they're like, well, why is that a bad thing? Because when you manipulate for you can manipulate for good and not bad, don't what they were saying is don't be labeled by words and automatically assume that it's a bad thing. Because when you manipulate people for the better and you're helping them achieve greater things for themselves, that's a positive thing.

SPEAKER_04

So you're like using your powers for good.

SPEAKER_00

Correct. Correct. As opposed to thinking it's a negative thing that you're labeled as. Like if someone labels you as selfish, a lot of times people would say, Oh my God, they're such a selfish person. That's that's traditionally a bad characteristic, personality characteristic. But if you look at it and you flip the coin and you're like, I am selfish, I give up myself a lot of self-love, which is why I'm able to help so many other people achieve their goals and dreams, because I've put in the work with myself first. So that's fair. It's a it's a shift in how you view things.

SPEAKER_04

I think for me, it's just like a lot of because I do a lot of self-talk. I talk to myself probably more than anybody else. Um, in fact, by a large degree. For me, it's more just like, bro, like this is the ninth time. Are you really trying that hard? Like, are you if are you really trying that hard? Like, how many times do you need to fuck it up to like that that it goes from being like, oh, it's hard to like you're just like willfully not because my mentor Olivia would always say this to us. We'd be like, I can't do this, or I can't do these numbers, or I can't, whatever, whatever, whatever. And they say, Great. If who's the most important person in your life? And be like, my mom. And he'd be like, Great, if I had your mom right here and I put a gun to her head and I said in 24 hours I'd pull the trigger. If you didn't get blank done, would you get it done? And you'd be like, Of course I get it done. He would always say, Well, then you can get it done. You just don't want to bad enough right now.

SPEAKER_00

So true. And on that note, not important enough. That is so true. You if you want anything in life, there's no stopping you. You just have to want it bad enough to do it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I think on that note, I mean, this was a very introspective.

SPEAKER_04

I like it.

SPEAKER_00

Very good episode. And if you enjoyed part two, make sure you listen, follow, subscribe to the PBJ podcast, and uh have a beautiful day. And just like that, we're done. But don't worry, we'll be back. If you laughed, learned something, or just enjoyed the chaos. Go ahead and follow, subscribe, and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're tuning in. And don't gate people. Share this episode with someone who needs a little P P and J in their life. Until next time, stay crunchy, stay tuned.