Mondo Bizarro
From the paranormal to cryptids, heavy metal and horror movies. It’s a big weird world and your hosts Thick Nick and Andrew are here to talk about it every week.
Mondo Bizarro
Crappy Cryptid Corral -or- The phallic bargain bin cryptids of the world
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Welcome back!
This week we're talking about cryptids, but, not the "good" ones.
Welcome to Mondo Bizarro, it's a weird world, someone's got to talk about it.
Music Credits:
Gwar - The Cutter
Big Ass Truck I.E. - BEEF
All music appears respective of their labels and owners, usage under fair use act. Mondo Bizarro is a copyrighted entity and none of the content may be used for, with or in conjunction to train AI in any way shape or form.
For a thousand years, the Indians of the Great Northwest have talked legendary monsters called Bigfoot or Fatwood.
SPEAKER_07Like these youngsters, thousands of others will be dressed in their favorite costumes on Halloween night. They will all be excited, but they must be careful when they go trick-or-treating, and they don't want. A gruesome story leads off our newscast.
SPEAKER_04The walkie police called body parts of the north side apartment. And now they wonder if they've not covered some kind of death factory.
SPEAKER_00And with me, as always, Andrew. Say hello, Andrew. Hi, how you doing? I don't know. I don't know how how I'm doing because I don't know what we're doing today. Oh, well, that's great. I gave Andrew the keys and I said, I'm too busy to with work. Deal with this. So we're gonna see what happens today. I don't know what kind of episode this is. I don't know what's gonna happen. So, Andrew, take it away. What are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_03I hope you're prepared, my friend. I'm not. We got some shit to talk about.
SPEAKER_00Oh god.
SPEAKER_03So you're all familiar with cryptids and the theme of cryptids and you know the different kinds of cryptids out there. Well, today I want to talk about dollar store cryptids.
SPEAKER_00Dollar store cryptids?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, cryptids that you wouldn't think would exist, but they exist. Like a shaved Bigfoot. I mean, that's just me. Oh. Oh no. So I'm gonna lead off with a good one. It's not the best one in my list, but I gotta I got a few that I want to talk about here. Okay. So our first cryptid was first reported in the early 1930s by a German couple visiting the town of Schneiderhof in the country then known as Czechoslovakia. The Czechoslovakian dong wrangler.
SPEAKER_02There is no fucking way that this exists.
SPEAKER_03Also known as the Bohemian Dong Monster, is a creature well known for its ability to wrangle multiple dongs at will, as described by locals. In one of the earliest known recordings of the dong wrangler, local farmer Albert Svoboda sent a letter to his brother in a nearby town. In the letter, Svoboda details an encounter he has with the creature in the woods near his home. He described the creature to be vaguely phallic in shape and that it only had one glowing eye. The creature has two pairs of legs on its body and a large posterior. It has been known to hoard dongs to create a massive dong army, thus enabling it to wrangle more dongs. In order to wrangle a dong, the Czechoslovakian dong wrangler stands over its victim and through sheer will wrangles their dong. In a newspaper from 1935, another farmer claimed he was trying to sleep after working in his fields when his dong was wrangled with great force. The checklist of the Czechoslovakian dong wrangler is coming very soon. There have been over 60 reported incidents of dong wrangling from all over Czechoslovakia, but in particular the Pisen region. And no, it's not gong. It's dong with a D.
SPEAKER_00Now, okay. Is is Dong like a Czech word for something else, or is this a dick-shaped monster stealing dicks?
SPEAKER_03I'm pretty sure this is a dick-shaped monster stealing dicks.
SPEAKER_00I just I I can imagine this dude sitting inside his house after a 12-14-hour workday hard in the field. He he sees this giant thing and he sits down and he starts writing. Dear brother, you are not gonna fucking believe this.
SPEAKER_03Dear Penthouse Forbes. I can't believe this happened to me.
SPEAKER_00I saw a giant dong with one glowing eye and a huge fat ass rip the dick off of the neighbor, Abraham totally dickless, and I saw it. Love your brother.
SPEAKER_02Like what's a postage for that cause?
SPEAKER_00Man, not enough. That's wild. The fucking checklist of Vakian Dong Wrangler. That's what it's called. You if you would have put that in a this is a a a list of uh things that could or or could not exist, that is not one that I would have been like, oh yeah, this one. This one right here, guys. What the fuck?
SPEAKER_03I'm just saying. I'm just saying. You know, you never know what's out there. You never know.
SPEAKER_00The Czech Don Wrangler. I should call him.
SPEAKER_03I shouldn't call him God. That'll pretty much do it for the Czechoslovakian dong Wrangler. But why don't we come back to the states? Okay. Particularly West Virginia.
SPEAKER_00Oh. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Now I wouldn't really call this a dollar store cryptid, just comparatively to all the other ones. This sounds like a dollar store cryptid to me. Maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. And that is the Veggie Man.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I'm actually familiar with this one, but only because of Fallout 76. So the go off. Veggie Man, what we got?
SPEAKER_03The Veggie Man was said to be very tall, arguably over seven feet, thin with a semi-human shape. It also appeared to be partic partially plant-based and possessed large ears with striking eyes that oscillated in colors, going from red to yellow rapidly. Its arms were thin and gave the impression of reeds by a riverbank. On the ends of its long fingers were suction cups, which had thorns protruding from them.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03So it was supposedly it's only been sighted one time. And that was in 1968. Around Fairmont sighted by a man named Jennings Frederick. He was out for a hunt. As he moved through the woods in search of game, he heard an odd noise. Sounded like a record player running faster than it should. A sort of high-pitched jabbering. When he tracked down the source of the sound, he came face to face with the creature. Jennings would go on to say that the being looked weakened, sickly. The jabbering increased. Suddenly he could make out words, hinting at telepathic communication. You need not fear me. I wish to communicate. I come as a friend. We know of you all. I come in peace. I wish medical assistance. I need your help. With that, the creature lunged at him and wrapped Frederick up in its surprisingly strong arms. Frederick was then able to break away from the embrace as the creature pierced his skin with the thorns on his fingers. While it drained blood from him, Frederick found himself enthralled by the flashing colors of the creature's eyes. Then, almost as quickly as it had pounced, the vegetable man raced away up a hill. Frederick then claimed to hear a deep humming from the other side of the hill. He surmised that it might have been the sound of the creature's ship taking off. To date, the 1968 encounter is the only sighting of the Veggie Man. So, so plant-based protein, looking for protein. Or Hokie Alien fun story.
SPEAKER_02You be the judge.
SPEAKER_00That sounds like some. See what happened, man. I was out for a hunt, and the vegetable man, he was hurt, but he was lying. He grabbed a hold of me and he drank my blood while looking me in the eye. And then he got in his spaceship and he left. What? That's fucking I I had no idea that there was any actual like story behind the Vegeman. Like when you say that I think the the Jolly Green Giant, not I've got blood sucking finger thorns and the fucking eyes of the snake from the jungle book? Like what?
SPEAKER_03That's basically what year did the jungle book come out? Hold on a minute. You might be on to something here.
SPEAKER_02Also, smash. Smash. Smash.
SPEAKER_01Hold on.
SPEAKER_03The jungle book released in 1967.
SPEAKER_00Okay, see, there you go. One two. Jennings, you fucking liar. Oh shit. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03How would you feel?
SPEAKER_00If I went out hunting and I encountered a 10-foot-tall plant person, I wouldn't have fucking approached it. I would have said, this direction I am not going in. I am turning around and leaving. Goodbye. He can require medical assistance all on his own. Fuck that. That's fair. That's fair. I've seen I've seen enough horror movies, man. I know. I know what the fuck I need to do.
SPEAKER_03You know what you need to do to survive? Grab a fork at a bottle of ranch. Yeah, no shit, dude. That's a salad with toes, my guy.
SPEAKER_00Descripted brought to you by Hidden Valley. That's wrong. You know, they've got a great opportunity for marketing.
SPEAKER_03100%. 100%.
SPEAKER_00You could even make it like a horror movie. You got the veggie man running through the woods looking like he's chasing somebody, but it's actually people chasing him with forks, knives, and hidden valley ranch, and they catch him and saw his leg off and cover it in ranch and eat it feverishly.
SPEAKER_03As long as they don't cut him in half the long way, I'll watch that movie. Vegetable or not, no, thank you.
SPEAKER_00Alright, what do we got next?
SPEAKER_03Alright. Next up. Next up we have The Legend of Dog Boy. Oh.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03It happened nearly 60 years ago, but Margie Little still remembers that evening when she is certain she was chased by Dog Boy, a hybrid creature rumored to have roamed areas including Jefferson Township. I saw it coming at me, and it was on all fours, said Little, 67 of Mercer. She recounted her experience and will again share her story in September 13th and cut that out.
SPEAKER_04I thought it was gonna give me some good information.
SPEAKER_03It was early fall between 7 30 and 8. We came up on the house, and my mom said, I think that's where Dogboy lives, Little said, referring to the creature that had become local legend, mainly because of unexplained, horrific howls that several older kids had reported. Her mother pointed out the small milkhouse at the edge of the property of the working farm. Little couldn't recall ever knowing who lived there, and they were about three miles from the little home on Ballpark Road at that point. Their group walked past her and crossed the road, away from the farm. Next we heard a howl and a screech. My mother turned and she said, Run, Little said. Little was at the back of the group, and the creature managed to grab her left hand. Though it was getting dark outside, she remembers it had a lot of hair and it stood up on its hind legs as she briefly struggled to brave it, break its hold. It was absolutely terrifying for me, said Little, the youngest of six children. Her father was Edward. Her mother grabbed her right hand and was able to yank her free, dragging her away. Little noticed the creature go back to the milkhouse as she ran off with her mother to catch up with the other kids. Little escaped unhurt and kept thinking about how the creature was most likely dog boy. One of its front arms appears deformed and it had black or dark brown fur or hair, and while standing on all fours it reached her hip. Its growl had ended with a high pitch, like a scream. She later learned that none of the kids saw anything, but she has come to discover that there are others out there who have had similar encounters, which is a comfort.
SPEAKER_00Dog boy. Man, I'm I'm normally like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be a I I think this is just somebody who has some sort of deformity.
SPEAKER_03I think we was being a little judgmental.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I think it sounds like it was the 60s, to be honest.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I didn't get a date on that one, unfortunately, but I was like, that's interesting. There's a couple of different variations on that story. That's wild.
SPEAKER_00It is wild, but it's I mean, like, not even from like a cryptid perspective. It's just wild because it's like, oh man, you you ran from somebody that that you didn't need to run from that may have needed help. This was not the veggie, man. You were safe.
SPEAKER_04I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
SPEAKER_03Well, everything else I have is crap. And I don't have a lot on this one, but I really want to talk about it just because it's fantastic. And hailing from Central Florida, in the town of Oviedo, we have the Oviedo Dick Monster. God damn. Why are all cryptids why are all dollar store cryptids based around dicks?
SPEAKER_00Well, two of the three, which, I mean, is a surprising lot of dick-related cryptids.
SPEAKER_03Well, let's let's not disregard the fact that Canada also has a cryptid, known as the dildo monster. What are we doing here?
SPEAKER_00I'm I'm really starting to rethink about being a podcaster. So we went from the Czech Republic to West Virginia. And then where where was Dogman from?
SPEAKER_03I didn't get there, wasn't a lot of information regarding where it was from that I could find or the time frame.
SPEAKER_00Let's just say North Alabama 1957. That would be we'll just put it out there. And now we're we're in the the king of weirdness, the cryptid capital, Central Florida.
SPEAKER_03I thought West Virginia was the cryptid capital.
SPEAKER_02Have you been to Florida? No. Well, there you go. Well, you know what?
SPEAKER_03I mean, but if you're from what you're right, it's like every other man mowing his yard is a fucking cryptid.
SPEAKER_00Let me let me tell you something. Uh I I do a lot of of analytics stuff on the on the back end of the podcast. And so I see our demographics, and we're we're people listen from all over the United States and Australia, which is super cool. Love that. The one place that nobody is listening from, fucking Florida. It's because they know coincidence? It's because they know. They're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Not another one, not another fucking bullshit, paranormal, horror-themed podcast. God damn it. Alright, so Central Florida Dick Man or whatever.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the OBA dip monster. It's similar to the Czechoslovakian dog Wrangler in that it's essentially a seven and a half foot tall dip that waddles around on a pair of balls.
SPEAKER_02What the fuck?
SPEAKER_03We're getting lazy with cryptids here. Holy shit. This this kind of the you know the theme of of this for me is you know, we talked about Sasquatch, we've made some references to the Loch Ness monster, we've talked about Bigfoot, Sasquatch, different, the same, who knows. Um, you know, we got Mothman, we've got Wendigo, we've got all kinds of believable cryptids out there. Sure. And then you've got a seven and a half foot tall dick that just exists for whatever reason. Don't you think we Would have noticed that.
SPEAKER_00Well, I mean, you you would think that we would have noticed a uh an eight, nine foot tall, hairy, bipedal guy walking around, or uh a giant man-sized moth with a 12-foot wingspan, uh a plesiosaur, whatever the fuck. You we would we would have noticed these things. The one thing that I have not ever encountered is a seven of a seven foot-tall dick bouncing on balls. That's that's just a very Floridian thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. God. What about North Carolina and Arkansas?
SPEAKER_00Perfect.
SPEAKER_03Might I introduce you to the skunk ape?
SPEAKER_00Oh, I am very familiar with the skunk ape, but th this shit is is really cool. Go off, king.
SPEAKER_03The skunk ape is a hominid cryptid said to inhabit the southern United States from places such as North Carolina and Arkansas, although reports from Florida are most common. It is named for its appearance and for the unpleasant odor that is said to accompany it. Some reports say the skunk ape is so stinky because it rolls itself in animal carcasses to get people to leave it alone. According to the United States National Park Service, the skunk ape exists only as a local myth. Reports of the skunk ape were particularly common in the 60s and 70s. In the fall of 1974, numerous sightings were reported in suburban neighborhoods of Dade County, Florida of a large, foul-smelling, hairy ape-like creature which ran upright on two legs. Y'all y'all sure that ain't Uncle Gerald streaking through the neighborhood?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03After one too many whiskies?
SPEAKER_00It's not even like a a a full like slight on Florida. It's just like you're not being too specific. You that's that is very oh, Uncle Jerry had a few too many natty lights down at his trailer and he found out how to unlock the door and got out. Like I I'm just I'm just saying, if you said, oh, you know, North Carolina, skunk ape, Arkansas, skunk ape, sure, that makes sense. But when you introduce this in a Florida scenario, I no longer I no longer really think of this as okay, this is a cryptid, as opposed to this is somebody who can't handle a light beer. Or had too just too many of them. I I don't know.
SPEAKER_03I found you some bullshit cryptids from Ohio. Let's fucking go. Have you heard of the Loveland Frog? Uh is it the frog man? This one's called the Loveland Frog. Described as a frog. Oh, yeah, in Ohio. Bipedal frog-like creature with large saucer-shaped eyes. This local legend is said to roam the streams and marshes of Hamilton County. Sightings date back to 1955 with a most recent reported encounter occurring as late as 2016.
SPEAKER_00Yes, dude. Okay. So Frogman. There is a fictional movie out that is a found footage, like mockumentary style. Um, I think it's called Frogman. Hold on. This is gonna be a lot of editing. Yeah, just called Frogman. 2023, it's like an hour and 15 minutes. Um yeah, Loveland, Ohio. It's it's about a dude who was a kid who uh believes he saw the frogman, he returns as an adult to capture the frogman on camera to prove it. It's it watch it. Sounds like fun. That's all I'm gonna say. It is, it's it is a time to be had.
SPEAKER_03It is now is this is this well, it's a movie, or you know, it's middle of the road to decent.
SPEAKER_00You know, I'm I am such a fucking fanboy for found footage stuff that like what what people would say is subpar found footage, I find usually middle or slightly above average. Um so I I thought it was fun. I thought it was, I mean, it's an hour and a quarter, right? It's you you you've got some time to kill, you don't have anything else going on. If it's on Tubi, if it's on Pluto, if it's a free rental on Amazon or whatever, throw it on. You've got nothing to lose. It's very enjoyable. It it it is it is fun. You are going to have fun with it, period. What else you want to take from it is that's that is that's up to that's up to the the watcher. That is that is up to you. So you heard it here? I say see it.
SPEAKER_03Frogman, it's an enjoyable time. So this next one is getting is is bordering on plagiarism, let's be honest here. Okay. And we're gonna talk about Bessie, the Lake Erie monster.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03Ohio's answer to the loch mass monster. Bessie is said to be a 30-foot-long serpentine creature lurking in the depths of Lake Erie. You know what that sounds like? Um a reticulated python living its best life.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, kinda.
SPEAKER_03Apparently it's very, very celebrated in Cleveland. Bessie, the Lake Erie monster.
SPEAKER_00I mean I I know I know the popular thing is to shit on uh Ohio, but it's it's so hard not to. Right? I don't know. I just if if I was if I was gonna have a state be known for a cryptid, I wouldn't want it to be Bussy, the reticulated Python or whatever the fuck.
SPEAKER_03Like it just says serpentine creature. That sounds like either just the most out-of-control sturgeon anyone's ever seen, a monstrous snake of some type. I don't know. I mean, we've got we've got fucking alligators and crocodiles in one of our local lakes over here that I used to swim in as a kid. You can't even go there no more. It's closed off because they can't get the motherfuckers out. Well, that makes me sad. Goddamn dinosaurs infesting our lakes.
SPEAKER_01Go back to the equator. That's where Jurassic World Thizzers are supposed to be. It's not tropical enough.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, man. It's summertime in Texas. It's summertime everywhere. It is hot. I've got I've got friends that live in the UK, and it's it's easily a hundred degrees there, and they're not used to that at all, and it is painful to them. It's painful here. Yeah, like it was like 105 when I left work today. It's like, God, it's July. Shout out to Remote Start.
SPEAKER_05I don't have that.
SPEAKER_00My joke still has a key that I have to put into the ignition and turn it.
SPEAKER_03That's so sad.
SPEAKER_00Honestly, it's what I prefer. I don't like push start. I I'm just I'm an old school dude. I want to put my key in the ignition. Turn. That's what that's what we're here for. And I'll go find Bussy. Tell that motherfucker what's up.
SPEAKER_03I'm hanging out in the back and I'm bringing the snacks.
SPEAKER_00Road trip. Call up the fucking dong monster. We'll go search for pussy.
SPEAKER_03Alright, I need this is this is my homework to anybody out there listening. Is I need a road trip buddy movie where the road trip buddies are fucking bullshit crippled. I need the Czechoslovakian Dong Wrangler and the Oviedo Dick Monster in the back seat fucking fighting over the Cheetos. I need the Mothman in the trunk just harassing everybody.
SPEAKER_02They're on they're on the road looking for bussy.
SPEAKER_03I need, I need, I need the uh I need my brain stopped working. I need the Loveland flock frog, the Loveland frog driving the car, screaming at dogboy who's running alongside the car to get back into the car. This is what I need. I need this to be a movie. No. I don't care what your budget is, I will watch this. Oh fuck. Or a buddy cop comedy starring the uh the Czechoslovakian Don Wrangler and the Oviedo Dick Monster. Where they're they're buddy cops, but they hate each other.
SPEAKER_00Because they're always trying to steal dicks. First professional thing Mondo Bizarro does, and it's fucking executive producer of the fucking Dick Monster Buddy cop movie. I'm sold. That goes straight to the fucking Dollar General and Big Lots. Like you remember when the when you could go to the video store and a movie would have just come out, and it would be like uh like Transformers, right? And right near the same section in the T's would be like transfers, and it's a very obvious ripoff to just cash in on looking similar to the big Hollywood title.
SPEAKER_03It's not even CGI, it's just cardboard boxes and spray paint.
SPEAKER_00I would much rather prefer that. I'm not against CGI, but I would much rather have like I would rather have shitty sp like practical effects than shitty CGI. Unless it was like like dire straights money for nothing CGI, then I would fuck with it.
SPEAKER_03I was listening to that song yesterday.
SPEAKER_00Dude, that gets me so pumped. I know.
SPEAKER_03So back to the soccer game. Last but not least, in Ohio we have the Charles Mill Lake monster. That's too much name. And it's a seven-foot-tall, armless humanoid. How can you be an armless humanoid? That's all it gave me.
SPEAKER_00No, that's a whole lot of damn for not a lot of cryptid. Yep.
SPEAKER_03I love the internet.
SPEAKER_01I love the internet.
SPEAKER_00We we get uh we get a thousand follows on Instagram and we'll go cryptid hunting for the the pussy. We're going to Ohio? Yeah, I'll go to Ohio.
SPEAKER_02I don't give a fuck.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna go to West Virginia and look for the Mothman.
SPEAKER_00That I would be down. I would I would love to to I like in all actuality, I would love to be able to do cryptid investigating and paranormal investigating um in addition to this, not behind a paywall or anything, but I like setting that as a milestone would be kind of cool. So if that's something that y'all want to see, you know, reach out to us on socials and let us know.
SPEAKER_03I'd love to do a paranormal investigation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, like Andrew and I are gonna do it anyway. It's just if you want to see it, let me know. And in addition to doing this, I will also record it. So you can laugh at and with us because there's no way hotel, right? I mean, I can't afford it, but we can stand outside and go, would you look at that? Would you just look at it? It's a it's a beautiful hotel. No, I actually absolutely beautiful.
SPEAKER_02But it it's it's Colorado, it's very it's very expensive. That's just life nowadays.
SPEAKER_00So yes, no shit.
SPEAKER_03Let us know if you want to see our goofy faces on cryptid hunts or paranormal investigations. You know, it's something we've talked about before, and it's something that I would love to dig a little deeper into. And yeah, let us know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, five thousand followers, and I will let you sacrifice me to the wicker man. Like whatever it takes, man. Oh let's take a break. We're gonna play some music. Then we'll be right back. Thank you everybody for tuning in. Gonna move into a couple stories here. But before we get into that, you know what's funny, man? And this is a complete ADHD moment. Every single time that I say we're back, I want to say a dinosaur story at the end.
SPEAKER_03No, I have the same problem. My brain immediately goes, roll back to Knock to the Donor of Time and sing this song with me. And so I I have to resist the stupidity impulse, and it's very difficult.
SPEAKER_00Every single time I I want to go, we're back a dinosaur story. Thank you for and I just and I have to fight it. That's why there's actually a pause between when I say we're back, and then whatever the fuck else I'm saying. So we're gonna be uh reading some stories here. Um, but before we do that, I completely forgot about this. This last week, I went to the Texas Literary Horror Festival and uh walked around, met some authors, uh, met a gentleman who uh wrote a book about the music of Friday the 13th. Uh, and it is phenomenal. It is it one of the best scores in horror history, one of the most well-known. I mean, it's up there with John Carpenter, it's up there with Jaws, it's up there with I mean, technically tubular bells, but that's a song, but I'm not splitting hairs here. So anyway, super fun, really enjoyed it. Lots of new and independent authors and artists that are are coming up, um, and a lot of variety, a lot of variety. There was the the standard uh like dark romance and splatter punk, but there was also a bunch of kid books. Um one of the books that uh my wife and I bought was actually uh from a woman who was a sir a surrogate, and she used that experience to write a fictional story, and I was like, ah, this sounds so good. So if you're wherever you live, go to things like this. Reading is fun, and supporting independent artists as well as new artists is just as important, if not more important, than buying the new book from whatever big author is out now. I I don't know because I don't read anything current. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_03So Well here, before you jump into the next segment, it talking about books and scary books, it Uh triggered something in my mind that I remembered reading a while back that I meant to bring up and I f I completely spaced. Do you remember Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz?
SPEAKER_00I do. I remember it very well.
SPEAKER_03There were three books in total. Are you aware that they re-released them and completely redid the artwork because the original artwork was too scary?
SPEAKER_00No. No. I remember thinking the artwork was really cool as a kid. That was surprisingly enough. That never scared me. I don't know why, but I guess like the like Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, uh, scary stories to tell in the dark. You know, those that stuff didn't really scare me. I always just thought it looked cool. Well, there was one episode with a drowning ghost in Are You Afraid of the Dark that freaked me the hell out. But that was it.
SPEAKER_03I mean, fair, fair is just I saw that and they got they changed up the artwork in the book, and it made me sad. I'm like. The artwork was so good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's yeah, I'm I'm definitely a fan of that original artwork. That's that's a bummer that they changed it. Like, did they change it recently?
SPEAKER_03I'm just trying to look up and see when exactly it changed, but I don't I'm not finding anything right off the bat.
SPEAKER_00Well, while you are looking that up, I'm gonna get into our first story. So for a little context, I'm a practicing witch and have been able to hear and sometimes see spirits for as long as I can remember. As a result, I get requests from local ghost hunting groups to join as a psychic or to cleanse a space often. One evening about four to five years ago, just before the pandemic, I was asked to come along on a ghost hunt at a historical cemetery in the next town. This group was to be myself, my husband, two other women, our lead hunter, and his cousin. I visited this cemetery for similar investigations a few times before and had a pretty good idea of what all hung around there. Mostly pretty peaceful spirits, despite the local lore of the place, I've never found it to be home to anything negative. A few grumpy or annoyed spirits, sure, but nothing to be concerned about. Regardless, it was a great place to gather evidence. As we follow the path, we all sense we are being followed and that we aren't wanted there. The road even began to distort and seemingly continued straight instead of looping around. I take this as my sign to turn us around and leave the space as we clearly were intruding on something and figured it the best to take the warning. About an hour later, a good while after leaving the trail and having moved on with our investigation, the lead's cousin got it in his head that he needed to confront the thing on the dirt road and seal it. I don't stop him, however, as I got a pretty good read on what's inhabiting that road, and I wanted to see where this goes. For a little extra context, this guy did not practice any form of craft or know anything about the occult, and was instead a fedora in trench coat wearing edgelord who was in his late thirties. Not long after he steps off into the woods, I could hear him yelling, I seal you, I seal you. Next I hear a deep belly laugh coming from the road. Next I hear the same deep voice mocking him, repeating what our lead's cousin is saying in a very condescending voice, followed by more hearty laughter. This had me losing it, and completely disrupting the rest of the investigation. A moment later, as I'm still laughing and crying, our Leeds cousin steps out of the woods, acting triumphant, proclaiming he has sealed the vicious spirit. I kept laughing and I kept laughing just as I was writing this. TLDR, I work as a psychic for ghost hunters and went to be a main character. Got made of m got made fun of by a spirit for being an edgelord.
SPEAKER_03That's fucking fantastic. You know what's bad if you're getting mocked by a ghost.
SPEAKER_00Like, I just like it's just such a very like not even exorcist thing, just I seal you, I seal you, and then you just hear from the woods, I seal you, I seal you. Shut the fuck up, nerd. Like, I I don't believe in everything, but I definitely believe that if you have a gut feeling, trust that and don't be like, oh well, I'm a fucking Discord moderator. I'm gonna go tell that ghost to suck my fuck. Shut the fuck up, man. Just let it do its thing. Like, it's not like it was throwing rocks at you or bothering you. Just leave it the fuck alone, man.
SPEAKER_03He was living his best life, and you guys just intruded on him.
SPEAKER_00Well, you know what? I mean, four-fifths of the group was completely fine saying, hey, you know what? Something doesn't want us here, let's go back. But neckbeard McFuckass was like, Oh, I gotta tell that spirit what the fuck is up. Like, dog, no. No, the fuck you don't. That's a good one. That's amazing. So I've got another one for you. Oh boy. So I have been hearing footsteps. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep. I was laying on my side with one leg pulled up. I started hearing footsteps about two or three in the morning. I opened my eyes slightly so they were still blurry, but I saw a dark figure sitting on the edge of my bed, but the bed didn't move like anybody was sitting on it except for me. So I decided that since my leg was pulled up, I had come up with a plan. I was gonna launch the mightiest kick to the liver to whatever is sitting on my bed. With all the force I could muster, I launched the kick towards the entity's back and I hit something soft and fleshy. That's the moment I got scared because I didn't think the kick was actually going to land. I immediately woke up my girlfriend, but there was nothing in the room anymore. And there's uh a couple addendums. Um the writer does not have any pets, so thank God. Um and this is the only paranormal events that this person has experienced. So they said, in conclusion, if you are having trouble with ghosts, a good kick through the liver can solve your problem.
SPEAKER_03Hey, good to know. That's almost better than my advice at the end of the episodes.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, there you I may have you may get replaced, man. Uh-oh.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but I don't know. I I don't think if I'm if I'm laying in bed and you know, you know, crack my eyes. My I my vision is bad anyway. But if I crack my eyes open and I see a dark figure, my first instinct isn't give it to boot, Larry! My first instinct is if I don't move, it can't see me. I'm gonna close my eyes, go back to sleep. No, thank you. Cheese me no like e I've got one more for ya.
SPEAKER_00One more. Hi. One of the spirits that inhabits our place thought it was funny to press and hold the test button on the smoke detector in the hallway right outside my room around 12 30 in the morning. What an ass. I originally thought I was dreaming because I had just fallen asleep about half an hour before. My mom started yelling for me. I woke up and heard the alarm going off, and it was the only one going off. There was no reason for it to be going off. The battery that in the detector was pretty much new. My dad was at work, and I know my mom couldn't have reached the test button because I can barely reach it. There was no explanation as to why it went off. It was like somebody was holding the test button. I wasn't scared as so much irritated that I had just gotten to sleep and woken up by an inconsiderate ghost slash spirit. After I removed the battery from the detector, I said, Do it again, I dare you. But nothing happened. Which surprised me. It was kind of funny after the fact. That funny story, yes. Do I think it's paranormal? Not even slightly. So funny, absolutely. Paranormal, I don't think that it is.
SPEAKER_03So I have to say no to that one. Comical, but no.
SPEAKER_00And with that, that is gonna do it for us this week. As always, thank you for listening. We appreciate it. If you haven't, give us a follow on Instagram, Mondobizarro underscore podcast. That has the links to all the socials and all the places you can listen to the podcast. If you are on a platform you don't like, you surely can find us somewhere else. So definitely check us out. And if you are listening and you do, in fact, like this, go ahead and give us a review on Spotify. I actually just saw that a lot of new listeners that have become repeat listeners were discovered because Spotify was suggesting us. So if you're a new listener, thank you so much. We appreciate you. I love you. You're beautiful. But before we go, Andrew, do you have any advice for our listeners?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. You find yourself at the entrance to a long, seemingly unending hallway. Lined with doors on either side. Don't go in the first door on the left. That's Steve's room. Good night. Oh no.
SPEAKER_00As always, I'm thick neck. That's Andrew. Be good to yourselves, be good to each other, but most importantly, stay the fuck out of Steve's room. And keep it creepy. We'll see you next week.
SPEAKER_02Reach for my neck, you'll get turned into an example.