Episode 9: Resolving Conflict

For more than a decade, Dr. Rick has had a front row seat to thousands of human minds. On this episode, this Matters of The Mind topic is Conflict. If there is one matter of the mind that must be addressed clinically, consciously, and consistently, it is the matter of conflict. There are 3 aspects of conflict that Dr. Rick presents in this episode. Situational, circumstantial and anonymous. Listen in as he works through this matter of the mind. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Matters of the Mind. I'm Dr. Rick Adams, licensed psychotherapist and professor of psychology and human behavior. This podcast is devoted to helping you understand how your mind is shaped and influenced physically, psychologically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. For more than three decades, I've been blessed with a front row seat into the minds of humanity. And now it's my desire to use that experience to help aid and assist you through this Matters of the Mind podcast. Today's Matter of the Mind topic is conflict. Yes, conflict. Why conflict? The answer is simple yet complex. Conflict is in the atmosphere. It's everywhere, but it doesn't have to be in you. However, if conflict is left overlooked and left unaddressed or disregarded, it will eventually or immediately authorize confusion and endorse chaos. Therefore, if there's one matter of the mind that must be addressed clinically, consciously, and consistently, it is the matter of conflict. With that being said, there are three aspects of conflict that I would like to present to you that can at times impact our lives. They are what I call situational conflict, circumstantial conflict, and anonymous conflict. First, let's talk about situational conflict. Situational conflict is conflict that you caused, you created, and you constructed, or you allowed it to happen. It is the kind of conflict that often develops through choices, words, reactions, as well as assumptions, and even pride. It can also be unresolved hurt or what I call avoidable failures. It is often the conflict that emerges when criticism, fear, doubt, or even negativity are allowed to be downloaded into the mind as well as the heart. The next one is circumstantial conflict. Circumstantial conflict is conflict that exists outside of your control. You personally did nothing to create it, to cause it, or to construct it. It may involve a loss, an illness, betrayal, disappointment, and even some of those unresolved childhood difficulties, or an unexpected life issue that arises without warning. Remember the three things the mind does not like to deal with the unwanted, the unknown, and the uncertain. All of those are involved in circumstantial conflict. In addition to that, circumstantial conflict is the type of conflict that many people struggle with because they often blame themselves for something that they did not create. The third one is anonymous conflict. Yes, anonymous conflict. Anonymous conflict is conflict that seems to come out of nowhere. It can be unidentifiable, unnamed, and at times undetermined. Yet its presence can always be felt. Anonymous conflict may look like at times and feel like sudden heaviness, unexplained agitation, a tension in a relationship. It can even be presented as a growing sense that something's just not right. Notice, I didn't say that conflict has no source. Conflict always has a source. There are always reasons or producing factors. However, when conflict appears, you may not be aware of its producing factors. This is why conflict is a matter of the mind. Conflict impacts us in many ways, yet one of the most dangerous is its impact mentally on the mind. Why? Because conflict that is not addressed mentally often results in confusion. And confusion brings on frustration. And frustration, remember, has two cousins, irritation and agitation. However, confusion must be addressed because confusion is more than merely not knowing. It is a way of thinking that becomes distorted, dishonest, and disordered. It results in an inability to think clearly, reason accurately, or respond wisely. When confusion is left untreated, it often converts into something even more complicated. It's called chaos. Chaos is conflict that becomes unmanageable, uncontrollable, and at times unhinged. Chaos is what I call commotion on steroids. Clinically, I've seen it many times. I've seen the progression of it. In other words, a person begins with a single unresolved conflict. They replay it repeatedly in their minds, they begin to overthink it, overreact, and eventually become overwhelmed. Their thinking becomes distorted, their emotions become unhinged, and their relationships become strained. Eventually, what started as conflict becomes confusion, and what becomes confusion eventually becomes chaos. Psychologically, this is why unresolved conflict often contributes to anxiety, ruminating thoughts, what we call cognitive distortions, emotional reactivity, and at times poor decision making. A confused mind often begins to believe things that are just not true, such as, and these are quotes that I've heard, I will never get better. Everything is falling apart. No one understands me. I cannot handle this. Understand that these are not simple thoughts. They're what we call negative thought distortions, which are thoughts that weaken you, distort reality, and interfere with wise decision making. The problem is that conflict doesn't merely want your attention. Conflict wants access, it wants influential access into your mind, into your emotions, and into your relationships, and eventually into your identity. This is why conflict must be addressed. Now the question becomes so how do we address it? Now understand, I said address it, not make it disappear. Because conflict will not disappear in this thing called life. Therefore, the objective is to address it, not make it disappear. So, how do we address it? Number one, do not ignore it. Do not pretend that conflict does not exist. Do not ignore conflict because conflict ignored often grows in the darkness. Number two, don't provoke it. Do not go looking for conflict. Start conflict or even continually place yourself around individuals or people who thrive on conflict. And yes, there are individuals who thrive on conflict, whether it's consciously or unconsciously. They seek conflict. Why? Because it gives them attention, control, excitement, or influence. The third is do not pursue it. Do not associate when possible with people, places, and things that continually produce conflict. Because that conflict will lead to confusion as well as chaos. And I want to throw a fourth one in there. Learn to confront yourself before confronting others. Ask yourself, what type of conflict is this? Is this situational because of me? Is it circumstantial, outside of my control, or is it anonymous? Remember, First Corinthians reminds us that God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. Therefore, when conflict is present, confusion is increasing and chaos is growing. You must stop and ask yourself, what conflict have I allowed to enter into my mind, my emotions, and my life? Remember, because conflict is in the atmosphere, but it doesn't have to be in you. You've been listening to Matters of the Mind, a podcast that focuses on matters that affect the mind. I'm Dr. Rick Adams, licensed psychotherapist and professor of psychology and human behavior. Come, join me on the couch as we discuss matters dealt with, matters dealing with, and the matters that we avoid.