This conversation was hard to record | Kelley's Story Part 1

[TRIGGER WARNING]: Due to SA themes, this is not intended for young or sensitive audiences. 

Kelley opens up about her deeply traumatic childhood and the very beginnings of how she and Kate connected early in life. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing sexual abuse, there is help available. Do not suffer in your pain. 

RAINN is America’s largest anti-sexual violence nonprofit, providing confidential, trauma-informed, 24/7 support services to survivors and their loved ones. 

https://rainn.org/

#SARecovery #abusesurvivors #healingjourney #traumahealing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

You're listening to Carpell Confessions of the Chronically Aware. Join us for our morning preview as we travel along I-70 and talk about faith, family, trauma, motherhood, work, and anything else that comes up. We're thankful that you joined us today. And we hope that God uses us and our stories to speak to you today.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

Yes, we're back. We're back for another episode of Carpool Confessions. Yes, and for this episode, we we thought we would spend a little more time discussing um some of our life story and elaborating on that a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

So I think we touched on like quite a few things. Yeah, rapid fire last on the first episode. And by the way, we are very aware that audio is very difficult to capture in a vehicle that has a lot of noise. So bear with us on that. We're gonna be trying new things and seeing what works best. But you know, part of this podcast is that we're trying to just be real, absolutely. So part of it is just the unscripted nature of it will be what it will be. But I think today Kelly's gonna talk a little bit about some of her story. Absolutely. Love to hear it.

SPEAKER_03 1:32

Awesome. So um if you're not you don't know us and you're new watching this, we live in Missouri. I was originally born in Washington State, and that's where I lived until I moved here in '98. I um lived with my mom and dad in my grandpa's basement, which sounds crazy, like just living in a basement, but my grandpa he entirely made this basement into its own apartment. It was really cool.

unknown 2:08

Huh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Yeah, yeah. My grandpa could, I have a whole story about my grandpa too. Um, so we lived there and and um my mom, she worked outside the home. My dad really wasn't a worker. He was he it was actually a joke. Everybody called him Mr. Mom. He was the parent that you would help us with our homework, who would cook dinner every night, made sure we had our baths. Um, he was very, he was very good at teaching. He loved to talk and explain things. Um and so, yeah. Sorry, my brain is like going off a million times.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

And this is your this is your dad you're describing right now.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

My biological dad, whose name is also Kelly, without the extra E.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

So I remember that.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

That's its own trauma. But but my dad, he was going to school to finish out his CDL. So during this time, we had two babysitters. I don't know why we had two, but there was two. And um one day I I said something that was really off-putting to them, and I guess I had drawn a picture, and they asked me to explain the picture. Well, this resulted in them going to get my grandpa, and my grandpa came down and heard what I had to say. And how old were you? I would have been this was kindergarten, so probably six. Okay, five or six, and trigger warning, this you know, this is gonna involve themes of sexual assault. So if that would be too much for you, this may not be a good listen. But what I ended up telling them was my dad was peeing on me, except it wasn't pee, but I was too young to know that. Jeez, yeah. So I told my my grandpa and these two babysitters, and then I don't really remember what happened after that, but I think a couple days went by, and to to get to the front door of our basement, it was a step down, and I remember sitting in the living room, and all I see next is a police officer coming down the stairs, and I knew immediately why he was there. So I go run and lock myself in my bedroom because I'm terrified. My dad actually had to go get a butter knife, which didn't help the situation to get me out of there. And then the next thing I know, there was CPS workers, and they started interviewing me, like right in the house. We weren't taken anywhere. This all it was just chaos, and my mom was at work at this time, and I just remember the CPS workers stripping me naked, examining my body, oh, all right there, all right there, and my dad is like still around too. That's wild, it was very wild. I talked about this in therapy, and my therapist agreed it was that was insane. Yeah, and so of course, I immediately just shut down because I'm terrified, and I also being six years old, I didn't understand the gravity of what was happening to me at that time. I felt extreme guilt. I immediately told everybody I was lying, I had a dream and made it up, but of course, what six-year-old would ever have thoughts like that? So I just remember other families showing up too. And again, it was just very chaotic. Everybody asking me questions, I had family pulling me aside, I had CPS taking off my clothes, and I remember after like everybody left, I repeatedly just kept writing notes to my dad, like, I love you, I'm sorry. And of course, this started to cause grief in the family. My I remember my grandpa being very upset. I remember him saying he wished he would have recorded me when I first spoke out about it. And then the next thing I know, we're moving out of my grandpa's basement, and we move to a town called Muckle Teo. It's in Washington, it's right near the sound. So was your grandpa your this would have been dad's dad or your mom's dad? My mom's dad. Okay. So just a little background. My dad is originally from Missouri and my mom is from Washington. Okay. My dad had a really crazy childhood that I will probably touch on at touch on at some point. But they moved all over the place. Like you would would have thought they were a military family, but they ended up in Washington, and that's how my parents met. Okay. Uh, so I I didn't meet my grandpa until my dad's dad until I moved to Missouri.

unknown 7:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

So we moved in McLeote, and there's still an ongoing case. And um of course I was too young to really know what all was transpiring. But not long after we moved to McLeoteo, I think they ended up closing the case because I just wasn't willing to say anything. After that, I just said that I lied and made it up. But my aunt, my mother's sister, I mean, she knew. And my dad's sister, my aunt, my other aunt, she knew in her heart that it was true because she was also a victim of my father. Well, he assaulted her when she was a child. He was, um, I believe he was like 18 and she was seven. Ugh. Yeah, so there's already an established pattern. Um, but then the next thing I know, we are moving to Missouri, and it was very traumatic to move here.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

I how old were you around that time?

SPEAKER_03 8:46

Um, so we moved here in '98, so I would have been 10. Okay. It was 10 years old. So yeah, I was around third grade. And we moved to Wellsville, Missouri, of all places. Now, if you've never experienced the Pacific Northwest, it is just a different, a different state entirely. You know, you got mountains, you got tall evergreens, the weather is drastically different, um, the culture is different, everything was just different. I didn't even, I couldn't even under understand people when I first moved here. Like the Midwestern accent sounded very thick to me. But we yeah, so we moved here and moved to Wellsville, and the abuse had stopped for a brief time. And then I remember laying with my dad on the couch, and he said something along the lines of you know, the stuff that I said in Washington, we should do that, so it just started happening again. Um, but of course, this time I'm like, well, I'm not telling anybody, I will never tell anybody because of what happened last time, and so you know, he started assaulting me very regularly, and it was more than just the physical part of it, it's also the mental manipulation that went on. I very much idolized my father, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_03 10:23

He treated me not like a daughter, I was very much treated like his wife. Um, he also had conversations with me about wanting to get married and having his children.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Wow, yeah, and he's not married to your mom still at this point, right now.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

No, he's still they're still married. They're still married, they're still married.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Goodness.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

So I can't even I never had an opportunity to discuss what that must have done to my mom's mental health, but yeah. Jeez, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Wow. So you got your dad who you really look up to and he's been like a real like contributing fig figure in your life, yeah. And then all of a sudden you find yourself in this situation where you're you're like trapped and you can't you you can't tell anyone, you can't escape it.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Yeah. Well my dad would also say other things too. And it goes into the manipulation and the narcissism. He would tell me things if I ever decided I wanted to tell that I needed to let him know so he could kill himself. Oh my goodness. So you can imagine what that does to a young child's mind. I mean, I loved my father, I didn't want him to kill himself. And he would also say things like a father, it should be a father's right that they get to take their daughter's virginity. And he would use religion for the, you know, to justify this, to condone it. There were just all these reasons. And at the time they like made sense, but inside, you know, you're you're not okay, like you know it's wrong on some part of you, and you I just started internally really suffering. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

How did you cope at that time with all of this as a young kid?

SPEAKER_03 12:37

Um I struggled in school very deeply. It was very hard for me to obviously have friends, it was very hard for me to do schoolwork. And I think for a good portion of time though, it was just so normal to my life that it didn't register either, if that makes sense. Yeah, like this just what this wasn't something that happened like once. It was an everyday thing or anytime that he could get away with it. Yeah, wow. And then we eventually moved to Mexico, and I don't know how much time goes by. I don't think it's a long time, maybe a year. And my mom decides to leave my dad, and that was also very traumatic. My I was in third grade, my mom comes to pick me up from school early, and she's with another man. Oh yeah, like just randomly, yeah, just randomly with this man that I mean, I he worked with her, so I knew who he was in that capacity, but you know, to go to school, your parents still happily married, yeah, and then your mom shows up with a whole different man, and then we had to go into like a woman's shelter, and I just remember being completely distraught. I wanted to be with my dad, I did not want to be with my mom because during the course of this abuse, too, there was a lot of manipulation essentially to make me not like my mom, and so I did not like my mom, like I did not want to be with her, I didn't want to be around her.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

I mean, isn't it so amazing how much little minds can just be shaped like that? I mean, it's really scary, it actually is really scary. It is really scary. How how easily kids can be manipulated like that?

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Yeah, it definitely has made me more like the way I speak to my children. I don't know, I just could never be mean to my children in any way or say things that are would just be hurtful to them. I just can't, because I know what that feels like to be so manipulated by someone who does such monstrous things. Jeez. So I was just straw. My mom could not handle how upset I was, and she essentially just gave me back to my dad, and it was just me.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

So then so was your mom aware of the abuse happening?

SPEAKER_03 15:30

No, I mean she was obviously there when I, you know, first came forward, and yeah, you know, all of that, but I mean, I said I lied, and yeah, we'll have to talk more about my mom, but my mom is you know, her mental capacity is just different, she doesn't think like a normal person and just kind of lacks lack that awareness.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:54

Um so yeah, she just gave me back to my dad, and it was just him and I, and she ended up taking my sister and brother and moving in with my stepdad. Actually, they ended up buying a house, I think. And so my dad did not have a job, um, and we were just in this house, and of course, like the abuse just got 10 times worse.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Yeah, because then you're like available, yeah, yeah, 24-7. He has nothing to hide from at that point, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

And I remember during this time too, a CPS, a CPS worker had to do um some sort of check-in. And I remember this was brought up years later, but they could definitely tell by my behavior that I wasn't acting like a normal girl, like I was just like right by my dad, and I definitely never really wanted to play with kids, I was always with the adults and part of the conversation, and yeah, I just didn't act like a normal child at all. And then once my mom was gone, then I'm the one cleaning the house, and like all the responsibilities that you would have as a mom and a wife, I now had at 10 years old.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Well, and that's kind of what he wanted, weirdly. Yeah, it was what he wanted. It was like he had this other weird fantasy of you filling that role.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

Mm-hmm. That's so hard. It was, and then I'm sure we lost the house. The next thing I know, we're moving back to Wellsville and moving in with with my excuse me, with my grandma, which is his mom. And somehow my sister and brother ended up back with us as well. Eventually, they ran away from my mom. I mean, my sister and brother, they weren't assaulted by my dad in that way, but they, you know, there was a lot of people in our life that didn't have kind things to say about our mother, and that definitely affected all of us. So the three of us are back together. We're living in my grandma's trailer in Wallsville, like we're all sleeping in my aunt's former room, and so like me and my dad would sleep in the bed, and my brother and sister had the floor, or sometimes vice versa. So I would get assaulted right next to my siblings while they were sleeping, and my dad would keep me up for hours, like up all night, and some of the conversations were good, you know, like he was just teaching me stuff. He was a very intelligent person. I'm talking IQ of 170 or something insane. Like he was very, very smart like that. So he would like you know, keep me up, teaching me things, and but then he the conversations would always go in a way where I would end up having like a mental breakdown, like I would just be so my nervous system would just be shot and distraught.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

And then I'd have to go to school, yeah. Man, so where you mentioned in our last episode that you were raised Jehovah's Witness. Did your dad's family, was that how was that because I know you mentioned he was using religion sort of against you in that way. Yeah. Was that what your exposure was in the in the early days of your church life?

SPEAKER_03 19:44

Yeah, and I would say it was just more my dad, not so much like the real religion itself, just being able to manipulate it, you know, like this is what Jehovah would want. My grandma and several other of my family members are Jehovah's Witnesses, so I was just around that around that a lot.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Okay, that makes sense. So you're living with your dad, you're getting assaulted on the regular. Yeah. You're about what age at this point?

SPEAKER_03 20:21

Um, I would say this is still like 10, like a lot happened in a year. Okay. Then there was one time my sister accidentally walked in on my dad assaulting me. And my sister is mentally incapacitated. She does have, you know, she is on the autism spectrum. So with the with autism, if you're familiar with it, if you're not, there couldn't be a lot of repetitive speech, you know, we'll kind of obsess on phrases. And so my sister got stuck on the phrase, daddy's humping you. And she would just repeatedly do that and make this hand motion. Yeah. So I guess my sister ended up, because my sister and brother, they would go stay with my mom on like weekends and stuff, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't stay at home like the good little wifey that I was. And I guess my sister did that gesture to my mom. And then my grandma and my dad got in a really bad fight one night. And my dad's like, that's it, we're done. And he had, I'm not even kidding, like the classic pedo van. I don't even know what those vans are called, but you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, like the big white van, so it's a white van, it had rusty maroon lines down the side. And so we lived in that van for close to a year, and all of our clothes were like on trash bags, we would sleep in them. My dad would bless me in that van, whatever. And to kind of go into that a little bit deeper. or two. My dad was very like he put thought to what he was doing. When he would assault me, he would make sure he would do it in a way where if I had an exam, they wouldn't be able to tell. So it'd only be just enough if that makes sense. Like there is ways to yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah. I mean no matter what it's just it's like trying to imagine having your own father doing that to you as a kid. I mean that's just that's horribly it's horribly traumatic.

SPEAKER_03 22:43

It is and I still struggle with it today. You know I still have flashbacks. Of course intima intimacy is really hard for me. I've really struggled with that and that is hard on a relationship. And it's really hard to explain like hey the way you touched me it just immediately made me made me think of how it felt when my dad touched me like that. And so yeah I I struggle with that every day. And it it takes such a hold of your mind that you don't even realize it's happening. Like I'll just be gone and I'm having an emotional flashback. And so I think that this podcast will really help because some of these things I've never said out loud you know as you know and then a lot of people who do know I'm very open on social media about my experiences but really going into these finer details of exactly how the abuse occurred I haven't really talked about that in therapy because yeah I don't think we've ever really thought about at that level no and it's like I'm just thinking even more stuff in my head and just like do I do I share that or not?

SPEAKER_01 23:57

But well I think it's very brave of you because you know hopefully there are some people that are listening that can see that they are not alone you know in their struggles. Absolutely you know because I'm sure there are a lot more children that have experienced this than we would like to know.

SPEAKER_03 24:17

So true and actually I have come across some TikTok videos of other women talking about their dads and it's very I'm not gonna say it's rare but it's not the most common um so I know that there is people out there that need to hear this and I also just want to bring awareness to the different ways somebody can be assaulted. It's not like the obvious things like somebody's just ramming their parts in you and it's violent. It's not always like that. I mean my dad wanted me to be his wife so you know he would have sex with my body like you he would do with a wife he was just very careful not to penetrate me too much so I wouldn't show up on an exam.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Jeez so well you know the cool thing for me in this if there has to be a silver lining is that I know that this is only the very beginning of your story and I think that some of the some of the things that happened around this time I mean I would say because basically when I came into your life was not long after this phase and you're saying 10 right so at what point did did all that change did all that come to light or are we even there yet in the story?

SPEAKER_03 25:50

No we're really not even there yet I mean um so eventually my dad got an apartment at Chevy Chase. So we moved back to Mexico after like traveling around and how my dad survived and provided for us is he would meet women online and they would like him or whatever and he would go meet them. We'd go stay the night with these women and we would we would show up and they would have like boxes for us of clothes and and toys and you know then we would be put to bed in the living room with the movie and my dad would be probably having sex with this woman and then we would never see her again. Wow so yeah I remember the first time I watched Titanic um was at some strange woman's house and I remember after we left just like crying hysterically in the car because of Jack Dawson I was just yeah it was terrible. I remember when that came out yeah so this is like around that time for me yeah I remember I feel like yeah it was around third grade about eight yeah eight years old I remember my third grade teacher she said she went and watched it three times but yeah so my dad eventually got an apartment at Chevy Chase and let me tell you I was so excited yeah this was like it I didn't care that it was Chevy Chase like we had a house it had an upstairs you know what I mean yeah and we had no furniture I had a lamp on the floor in a bedroom I think we did have a couch I mean we eventually started acquiring some things and so you know life started to feel kind of good I was still being assaulted but and then you know we were back in school in Mexico and I have to get my siblings up oh and during this when him and my mom separated my dad also developed um an alcohol addiction so he was also struggling with alcoholism and so I remember you know I was going to school I would get up get my sister and brother ready for school and I my dad so my dad he was big on like no vanity and he would get upset if I would want to dress up or you know just like be a little girl and put clips in my hair and just all those things like it was not allowed I remember my Billy getting married and he wanted to be she wanted me to be in her wedding and she bought brought me bought me this really pretty like green dress it had like the frills on it and I remember being so excited and then my dad just made me feel horrible like if you've ever been in a domestic abuse situation where somebody pushes you to almost like reactive abuse I would say that's how it would get where I would just get very reactive but it wouldn't be towards him it would be on myself like I would just start like crying and having these meltdowns and like pulling my own hair and I had nowhere for that yeah for that energy to go so I would take it out on myself and yeah so just stuff like that. But sometimes that's how my dad would essentially like manipulate me like oh I'm gonna go take you to Walmart and get you a pretty dress and so this particular day I remember I got to wear this pretty pink dress and I had these white slide on wedges from Walmart I went to school and I remember getting on a roll and I was so excited getting on a roll I remember running home and putting that that metal on my lamp on the floor and then the next day I go to school and at the end of the day I get called down to the office and my brother is in there and there is a woman who was clearly a DFS worker and I remember sitting down across from this woman and she explained that you know we were gonna what was happening that my brother and sister were being placed together in one home and initially they didn't have anywhere for me to go so I don't even know what that means. Like what happens do they just where do I don't even know yeah I don't know either I don't know either like is there an orphanage do you just stay with CPS workers but yeah they told me there was nowhere for me to go and I couldn't stay with my sister and brother and I didn't know it at the time but they suspected that I was being abused and part of the reason I got put into foster care was in hopes of me coming forward. Okay. But I think the initially how they were able to place us in foster care is at one point my dad did end up getting a DWI and like he got arrested in front of me. It was horrifying and I think between my sister going to my mom's and saying daddy's you know daddy's something sissy um you know there was just multiple calls and so we got placed in foster care. Well the principal at that time the fabulous Melanie Richter um she just decided to that she was gonna foster me right there on the spot I remember Jacob my brother and the DFS worker leaving and I'm in the office with Melanie which is Kate this is Kate's mom so this is how we met and I remember her getting on my level and she had sorry it makes me choke up thinking like I can just still see your mom's face and she just had these tears in her eyes streaming down her face and she said that I have been through enough and I needed to be with somebody who loved me so you know I left we left the school and she said she had to go pick up her children and you know she goes inside and you know has the conversation with you. Do you remember that conversation?

SPEAKER_01 32:27

Um I very vaguely I don't I I do remember getting in the vehicle um and I I remember like her briefly like but guys like this is not like it was not a normal occurrence for us to just randomly have foster kids. Like I know some people like that's they're they just that's a regular thing. But my brother and I were adopted but I was five and a half months old when I was adopted and my brother was three and so we we just were straight adopted we weren't like fostered by them like that wasn't ever like you know that wasn't a thing.

SPEAKER_03 33:06

Yeah they're they weren't yeah and I think that's normal that's another layer to it is they they weren't foster parents so it was definitely just you know God had to have been speaking to her in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah for sure well and I'm just you know you don't hear about that happening very often where you can just go become a foster parent like yeah because you have to have so many things in place I was gonna say how in the heck did she even accomplish that well she made it happen. Yeah I guess she's like I'm taking her I mean I have a home I need to ask them how that conversation my mom and dad because it's like did she just call them and say hey we're gonna do this or you know like yeah yeah I would be interested I've never thought about talking about that but yeah we'll have to ask your mom about that for sure. Um and guys there's a lot of construction through here so it's gonna be bumpy but this story is too good to cut off right now so we're just gonna keep going keep on rolling through keep on rolling through it.

SPEAKER_03 34:08

So yeah um you know I waited it it was it felt like forever you're waiting out there I was so nervous and just you know I was like what did I do immediately like I did something to make this happen. You know this was like oh you know my that was another thing my dad would kind of scare and manipulate with me with is you could get taken away and so it was like my worst fears were happening in that moment. And again at this time like I very much loved my dad I idolized him like he was everything he had a nickname for me it was princess protector his PP which is just don't even disgusting um but yeah they hoped that I would eventually come forward um and I know I did not I was still several years before I eventually did come forward.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

See that's that's wild because for me I I remember having either a knowledge of the fact that there was you know abuse happening with you like I remember having that knowledge.

SPEAKER_03 35:23

I'm not sure how I got that knowledge you know if it was my my parents or if we talked about stuff I really don't honestly remember but I yeah I just I know that as a kid I had that understanding yeah that that was well I think it was probably a lot more obvious than I realized um another thing is one of the recess ladies I forget what they call them they used to like supervise one was Gail Pickering. Okay she was somebody who noticed something was off with me and I think she told your mom or reported it and it also got called yeah because she told me years later and like adults pay attention to the kids around you well yeah well I and also looking back I can just tell that I was a sexualized child like when we were watching those videos just the way I was like sitting and laying yeah you know what I mean like I could just see it on me. So I'm sure it was much more evident to people just when you're sexualized you just yeah you become you're kind of sexual. Yeah with your mannerisms and whatnot yeah I mean you're it's like being baked into you at a young age very um yeah that's like yeah that's how you were groomed to be and you you just don't even realize it so I was sitting in the van and then I remember the door sliding open and Kate's little face popping it and she was just as friendly as could be like this wasn't weird. We were just talking and just instantly she was you know my best friend but also my sister you know I mean I have a sister but she's mentally incapacitated and to the degree that she's a ward of the state now so and I was also put in the role to be her mother. So you were like the first real example of sisterhood for me. Well yeah you were for me too because I have I had a brother I had a yeah at all well and we we shared a room not initially though yeah we didn't initially not initially I because you had like that little living room on the other side and your par I remember your parents put a twin bed there was a TV I had a little dresser for all my clothes um but I had a real fear of demons and I was also on in you know under constant spiritual warfare during this time as well. Yeah I do remember that as a kid because we we talked about that no I literally couldn't I was scared to be by myself in a in a house until I was probably 20 years old. I'm not even kidding like it was a very real trauma for me.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

It's it's weird that the first real conversation that I ever had about demons was with you.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Yeah that's you know what I mean that's how me and another friend became friends. She started a job and we started talking about demons and we're friends so I mean yeah so we so you started in the other bedroom and then we ended up I ended up yeah because I was just too scared I would be like up all night having a panic panic attack and just scared to death to be by myself. Yeah plus you're in an unfamiliar place unfamiliar place you know sounds you're not used to um people you barely know people I barely know yeah it was really weird to be with your principal yeah I didn't it took me a long time to call her like Melanie I was like that's Mrs. Richter that's our principal yeah she was such a good princess oh my gosh so amazing I hear it from other people all the time but I I just hear it from other people you have to she had to be your mom like yeah you yeah she's an amazing woman I also have people that tell me stories about your mom and also when you guys came to Paige's um little assembly your mom recognized a student that was a former student who's now a grown adult and I could literally I literally watch this woman's face like morph into this childlike wonder like your mom has touched so many people in so many ways. Yeah so it's truly that's another thing that's so amazing about it because we've all heard horror stories about foster care. My brother and sister I would say that they did go to a good foster home and stuff but they did that for a living and so there was other children there. So their experience was very different from mine. You know I really felt like I was your you know another child in the home that I belonged there. I remember standing in that shower and looking at my arm and I had never seen my arm so clean.

SPEAKER_01 40:38

So I was also the dirty kid I just remember how clean I was yeah that's sad Kelly Yeah that's so sad. You know all these little things that we take for granted it's like you know just being able to take a decent shower. Yeah you know absolutely and be in a place where you feel like you're loved and you feel like you're a part of the family and you're not gonna have you know to be abused in some way I mean what what was that like for you? I mean I know that you had to have feelings about what was going on with with your dad because I mean you were close with him.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Yeah um probably a lot of of guilt even though it was you had no reason to be guilty I'm sure as a kid you were feeling that absolutely I felt guilt I felt shame I also very much struggled internally with telling like I wanted to it was like there's two halves I really just wanted my dad to be my dad because he was my hero but it was causing me so much pain.

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Um so I I really struggled I remember some of those nights when I would be crying like I wanted to go tell your mom but I was just I couldn't I just couldn't so yeah I do remember I mean I remember that you had a lot of internal struggles and as a kid at 10 yeah I couldn't articulate what that was right you know but I definitely definitely saw and experienced that you know seeing you dealing with these spiritual attacks which you know as a kid I mean that our church didn't talk about that right you know like yeah Jehovah witnesses are very open about demonic you know presence yeah and what's interesting about this story is that I feel like you were definitely divinely placed somewhere for a purpose later yeah you know I agree and I think you know once we have a part two or three there's gonna be a couple there's different sections to all of this. Yeah we'll have to dive into what that looks like because like I said this is still just the beginning yeah really yeah because yeah like my coming out and what happened after foster care these are all very long stories and there's also other stories woven into into this so yeah well I think this might be a good stopping point for this I had you know I got in foster care and got a clean clean body you had a great shower and well deserved every kid deserves to feel clean feel clean and my name was Kelly so I was I'm sure kids were like I mean I was definitely heavily bullied so yeah smelly Kelly no more well guys we'll come back next time we will finish the story well not we'll probably never truly finish the story but we'll we'll continue

SPEAKER_03 44:00

Yes, and if there's any questions, we would love to hear them. I'm happy to answer any questions.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

Yeah, you can reach out to us at carpoolconfessionspodcast at gmail.com. And Kelly gets those emails. So please feel free to ask and we can elaborate on uh any of this. And yeah, we we hope this is helpful. And can't wait to share more about what God has done in Kelly's life through this and after this. It's a really great story, so stay tuned. We'll see you next time. Bye.