Episode 2: The Dangerous Fantasy of Loving Someone Into Change

Episode 2: The Dangerous Fantasy of Loving Someone Into Change

What if the person you're trying so hard to love already knows exactly how you feel?

One of the most painful beliefs people carry after a breakup is the idea that if their ex could just understand how deeply they were loved, everything would change. The relationship would be saved. The toxic patterns would stop. The distance would disappear.

But what if the problem was never a lack of love?

In this episode of Climb Higher, Michael Temple explores why so many people become trapped in the exhausting cycle of over-giving, over-explaining, and over-investing in the hope that their love will finally inspire someone else to change. Drawing from psychology, relationship dynamics, and years of coaching experience, Michael explains why awareness doesn't automatically create transformation—and why genuine change requires something far more important than love alone.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why love and change are not the same thing
• The difference between insight and behavioral transformation
• How hope can quietly become self-abandonment
• Why patterns—not promises—determine the future of a relationship
• The critical question that can change how you view your relationship forever

If you've been waiting for someone to finally understand your worth, this episode may help you recognize a difficult but liberating truth:

People don't change because they're loved hard enough.

They change because they choose to.

Listen now and discover how to stop investing in potential and start responding to reality.

About Climb Higher

Life doesn't always go according to plan—but your story isn't over.

Climb Higher is a weekly podcast hosted by Michael Temple, where relationships, resilience, personal growth, and emotional recovery take center stage. Through practical insights, powerful stories, and thought-provoking conversations, Michael helps listeners navigate life's toughest seasons while building a stronger future.

Whether you're healing from heartbreak, rebuilding after loss, strengthening your mindset, or simply looking for encouragement to keep moving forward, each episode is designed to challenge, inspire, and equip you for the journey ahead.

Follow Michael on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at Michael To The Max.

Because the higher you climb, the better the view.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Climb Higher. I'm Michael Temple, also known as Michael to the Max or Coach Michael on my social media platforms. Each week on this podcast, we're going to be spending a few minutes talking about relationships, resilience, personal growth, and what it takes to keep moving forward when life doesn't go according to plan. And today I want to talk about one of the most painful fantasies that people carry after a breakup. It's a fantasy that keeps people stuck. It's a fantasy that keeps people chasing. It's a fantasy that keeps people waiting. And that fantasy is this. If they could just understand how much I love them, everything would change. Maybe you've had that thought. Maybe you're having that thought right now. If she really understood how much I cared. Or if he could only see what he's losing. Or maybe if they could just understand how deeply I love them, then surely they'd come to their senses. They'd stop pulling away. They'd stop the toxic behaviors. They'd choose the relationship if only they realized how deeply I cared about them and loved them and wanted to be in their life. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. And the sooner we understand that, the sooner we begin healing. A few years ago, I was speaking with a man who was absolutely convinced that his relationship could be saved. Now, please understand something. This wasn't a man who didn't love his partner. He loved her deeply. He'd been impatient. He'd been committed. He'd been willing to work with his partner on the relationship. The problem was that she continued showing him the same destructive patterns over and over and over again. Avoidance, withdrawal, inconsistency, broken promises, repeated behaviors that damaged his trust. Yet every time she repeated the pattern, he came back to the same conclusion. If I can just help her understand how much I love her, she's finally going to change. And I listened to all of this for a while, and then I asked him a question: How many times does someone have to show you a pattern before you believe the pattern? Silence. Because deep down he already knew the answer. You see, one of the most dangerous things that movies have ever taught us is the idea that love transforms unwilling people. You know the story. Someone is emotionally unavailable, or someone is toxic, or someone is selfish, and someone repeatedly hurts the person that they're with, and then suddenly the other person's love becomes so powerful that everything changes. And this person that's been struggling with all this stuff, they wake up, they see the light, they become emotionally healthy, they run back. Roll credits. That's a wonderful movie. But it's terrible relationship advice. Because in real life, awareness doesn't automatically create change. And love certainly doesn't create change. Because change requires willingness. Change requires ownership. Change requires effort. Change requires repetition. Change requires work. Please listen. A person doesn't become healthier because you love them harder. They become healthier because they decide to do the work to become healthy. One of the things psychologists have discovered is that insight and behavior are not the same thing. Most people already know many of the things they should be doing. They know they should be exercising. They know they should be eating better. They know they should be saving money. They know they should be communicating better in their relationships, but knowing's not the problem. Doing's the problem. The same thing happens in relationships. Your ex may know they hurt you. They may know their behavior was destructive. They may know they struggle with commitment. They may know they avoid difficult conversations. They may know they sabotage relationships. But awareness doesn't automatically create transformation. If it did, the world would look very different. And this is where many good-hearted people get trapped, because they're not trying to manipulate anyone. They're not trying to control anyone. They are genuinely loving, genuinely caring, genuinely invested. And so they think if I could just explain this better, or if I could love harder, or if I'm more patient, or if I can show them one more time, then the breakthrough will happen. But what often happens instead is that they slowly begin abandoning themselves. They tolerate things that they really shouldn't be tolerating. They excuse things they really shouldn't excuse. They wait longer when they really shouldn't wait. They give chances that really shouldn't be given. Not because they're weak, but because they're hopeful. And hope, when disconnected from reality, can become incredibly expensive. One of the hardest truths that I've learned in this work is this love does not cure patterns. Patterns cure patterns. Listen to that again. Love does not cure patterns. Patterns cure patterns. If someone has a pattern of dishonesty, truth isn't rebuilt by promises. It's rebuilt by consistent honesty. If someone has a pattern of emotional unavailability, truth isn't rebuilt by declarations. This time it's going to be better. No. It's rebuilt by repeated emotional availability. If someone has a pattern of disappearing whenever things get difficult, the solution isn't another conversation about how much you love them. The solution is demonstrating a different pattern. Day after day, week after week, month after month. And it eventually becomes year after year. That's how change happens. Not through emotion, through repetition. I want you to think about something. Imagine someone told you, my stove burns me every time I touch it. And then they said, but I think if the stove understood how much I cared about it, it would stop burning me. You'd immediately recognize the problem because the issue isn't about how much they love the stove. The issue is the nature of the stove. Now, before somebody gets upset, I'm not comparing people to appliances. Don't misunderstand me. I'm talking about patterns here. If someone repeatedly shows you who they are, the answer is not always to love harder. Sometimes the answer is believe what you're seeing. This is where people often misunderstand what healthy love looks like. Healthy love is not endlessly proving yourself to the other person. Healthy love is not endlessly persuading someone to finally value you. Healthy love is not endlessly convincing someone to choose you over everyone else. Healthy love requires two willing participants. Two people who are both contributing, two people who are both accountable, two people who are both engaged in the process. Love can support growth. Love can encourage growth. Love can inspire growth. But love cannot do someone else's growing for them. And I can almost hear some of you who are listening thinking, but Michael, people can change. Well, absolutely they can change. I've watched people change. I've watched relationships heal. I've watched marriages heal. I've watched relationships recover. I've watched individuals transform their lives. People absolutely can change, but here's the key: they changed because they chose to. Not because someone else loved them hard enough. The decision came from within. The work came from within. The ownership came from within. And that's what made the difference. So if you're listening to this today and you're still holding on to that belief that one more explanation, one more closure letter, one more text, one more emotional conversation is finally going to make them understand just how deeply you love them, I want you to consider another possibility. Maybe they already know. Maybe they always knew. Maybe the issue was never lack of information. Maybe the issue was a lack of willingness. And those are two very different problems. One can be solved with communication, the other cannot. So here's your challenge for this week. Ask yourself this question. Am I responding to who this person is, or am I responding to who I hope they will become? Let me repeat that. Ask yourself this question: Am I responding to who this person is, or am I responding to who I hope they will become? Sit with that. Because that question has the power to change the way you see an entire relationship. I want to thank you for spending these few minutes with me today. If this episode resonated with you, I would encourage you to share it with someone who may need to hear it. And if you'd like more content throughout the week, you can find me on Facebook, on Instagram, on TikTok, and YouTube under Michael to the Max. That's where I'm sharing additional thoughts on relationships, resilience, personal growth, and rebuilding your life after difficult seasons. I want to thank you for being here today with me. And remember the higher you climb, the better the view. Let me encourage you to climb higher because you deserve to be happy. Talk soon.