Episode 8: The Need to Be Needed

Episode 8: The Need to Be Needed

What if one of the biggest obstacles to your growth is something everyone praises you for?

You're the dependable one.

The fixer.

The rescuer.

The person everyone calls when life falls apart.

And on the surface, that sounds admirable.

But what happens when your value becomes tied to how much other people need you?

In this episode of Climb Higher, Michael Temple explores a hidden struggle that affects far more people than most realize: the need to be needed. Through powerful stories, psychological insight, and practical wisdom, Michael examines why so many caring, responsible people become trapped in a cycle of over-functioning, over-giving, and carrying burdens that were never theirs to carry.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why helping others can sometimes become an unhealthy identity
• The difference between caring for people and becoming responsible for them
• How over-functioning creates burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion
• Why some people struggle when they are no longer needed by a partner, child, or loved one
• The surprising connection between self-worth and usefulness
• How healthy boundaries actually improve relationships rather than harm them

Most importantly, you'll learn a truth that has the power to change your life:

Your value is not determined by how useful you are.

You don't have to earn your worth by solving everyone's problems.

You don't have to carry every burden.

You don't have to rescue every person who struggles.

Sometimes the next level of growth isn't learning how to do more.

Sometimes it's learning where your responsibility ends and someone else's begins.

If you've ever felt exhausted from constantly taking care of everyone else, struggled to say no, or found yourself carrying problems that don't belong to you, this episode will challenge you to rethink what healthy love, support, and responsibility actually look like.

Because freedom begins the moment you realize that caring for people and carrying them are not the same thing.

About Climb Higher

Life doesn't always go according to plan—but your story isn't over.

Climb Higher is a weekly podcast hosted by Michael Temple, where relationships, resilience, personal growth, and emotional recovery take center stage. Through practical insights, powerful stories, and thought-provoking conversations, Michael helps listeners navigate life's toughest seasons while building a stronger future.

Whether you're healing from heartbreak, rebuilding after loss, strengthening your mindset, or simply looking for encouragement to keep moving forward, each episode is designed to challenge, inspire, and equip you for the journey ahead.

Follow Michael on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at Michael To The Max.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey?

👉 Coaching, courses, and resources:
https://stan.store/michaeltothemax

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Climb Higher. I'm Coach Michael Temple, also known as Michael to the Max on these social media platforms. And each week we're spending a few moments talking about relationships, resilience, personal growth, and what it takes to keep moving forward when life doesn't go according to plan. And today I want to talk about something that looks incredibly noble on the surface. In fact, most people get praised for it. People admire it. They thank you for it. They depend on you because of it, but if you're not careful, it can quietly become one of the biggest traps in your life. I'm talking about the need to be needed. And before you turn this episode off and say, well, Michael, I don't have that problem, please hear me out. Stay with me here. Because I think more people struggle with this than they realize, especially good people, especially responsible people, especially caring people, especially people who are always helping everybody else. A few years ago, I was working with a man who was absolutely exhausted, tapped out, drained, not physically, emotionally. Every conversation we had sounded the same. He was helping one child with this problem, he was helping another family member with this crisis, helping a friend with that situation, helping a coworker with this issue, helping his ex-wife navigate something, helping somebody else solve another problem. And honestly, he was a good man. He was a genuinely good man. The problem wasn't that he cared. The problem was that he didn't know how to stop caring all the time. There was always another emergency. There was always another situation. There was always another person who needed something from him. And I eventually asked him, What happens if nobody needs you this week? He laughed. Then he got quiet. Because for the first time he realized how uncomfortable that idea felt to him. That's when I started thinking about something. A lot of people build their identity around being needed. Not around being loved, not around being respected, not around being themselves, but being needed. They become the fixer, the rescuer, the problem solver, the caretaker, the peacemaker, the dependable one. And at first, let's be honest, that feels good. Being needed feels important. It feels meaningful. It feels valuable. It gives you a role. It gives you a purpose. It gives you a place in the system. The problem is that over time, some people stop knowing who they are outside of those roles. One of the strangest things about the need to be needed is that it often disguises itself as generosity. It looks selfless, it sounds selfless. But underneath it can be sometimes something very different. Because if your value comes from solving other people's problems, what happens when there are no problems to solve? If your identity comes from rescuing other people, what happens when nobody needs rescuing? If your sense of worth comes from being indispensable, what happens when other people become independent? Those questions make some people deeply uncomfortable because they've spent years earning significance through usefulness. Now, let me be clear, because some people are going to misunderstand this. I'm not saying that helping people is the problem. Helping people is not the problem. Serving people is not the problem. Supporting people is not the problem. Those things can be beautiful. The issue is when helping becomes the only way that you know how to feel valuable as a person. And that's where things get really complicated because then you begin attaching your worth to other people's struggles, and without realizing it, you start needing people to need you. Think about how often this shows up in relationships. One partner is constantly rescuing, they're constantly fixing, they're constantly carrying, they're constantly managing, they're solving emotional problems, they're solving financial problems, family problems, relationship problems. Every problem becomes their responsibility. And eventually they become exhausted, resentful, burned out. Not because they don't love the other person or the other people, but because they've never learned where their responsibility ends and they begin. I've seen this happen after breakups too. Some people don't just miss their ex, they miss being needed by their ex. They miss the role. They miss being the one who helped, the one who advised, the one who supported, the one who carried. And when that role disappears, some of them feel utterly lost. Not because they lost the relationship, but because they lost the identity attached to the relationship. One of the hardest lessons that many people ever learn is this. You can care deeply about someone without becoming responsible for their life. You can care deeply about someone without becoming responsible for their life. You can love people, you can support people, you can encourage people, you can pray for people, you can advise people, and still recognize that their choices belong to them. Their growth belongs to them. Their healing belongs to them. Their decisions belong to them. That's not selfishness, that's healthy boundaries. Psychologists often talk about something called overfunctioning. Overfunctioning happens when one person consistently takes responsibility for things that belong to somebody else. And believe me, as a pastor, I did this for years. At first, it feels helpful, but eventually it can create a very unhealthy dynamic because the more one person overfunctions, the less the other person or people have to. One person becomes stronger, the other becomes more dependent, and neither person grows the way that they should. And I think this is especially difficult for people who have spent their entire lives being dependable, being the strong ones, being the responsible ones, being the reliable ones, being the people that everybody calls, the people that everybody leans on. Because after years of carrying everyone else, they often forget to ask a very important question. And that question is this Who's taking care of me? Not in a selfish way, in a healthy way. Because listen, even the strongest people need rest. Even the strongest people need support. Even the strongest people need boundaries. One of the biggest turning points in personal growth happens when people realize my value is not determined by how useful I am. Let that sink in. Your value is not determined by how many problems you solve. It's not determined by how many people depend on you, how much you sacrifice, how much you carry, how much you rescue. You, my friend, have value because you're a human being. Not because you're a utility. And that's an important distinction because if you build your identity entirely around usefulness, you'll eventually find yourself exhausted and overwhelmed and wondering why nobody is taking care of you. The healthiest people I have ever met know how to do something many others struggle with. They know how to help without carrying it all. They know how to support without rescuing. They know how to love without controlling. They know how to care without overfunctioning. They know how to be present without making everything their responsibility. And that's a skill. A skill that many of us have to learn later on in life. So if you're listening today and you're constantly feeling responsible for everybody around you, if you're always fixing, you're always rescuing, always solving, always carrying, I want you to consider something. Maybe the next level of growth isn't learning how to help more. Maybe, just maybe, it's learning how to help differently. Maybe it's learning where your responsibility ends in another person's responsibility begins, because that's where freedom often begins. This week I want you to pay attention to every situation where you feel responsible for solving someone else's problem. And before you jump in, ask yourself one question. Is this actually my responsibility? Not can I help, or not do I care, or not am I capable? But is it actually my responsibility? Because that single question can change the way you live your life. I want to thank you for spending these few moments with me today. If this episode resonated with you, I would encourage you to share it with someone who may need to hear it. And if you'd like more content throughout the week, you can find me on Facebook, on Instagram, on TikTok, and YouTube under Michael to the Max. That's where I'm sharing additional thoughts on relationships, on resilience, personal growth, and rebuilding your life after difficult seasons. I want to thank you for being with me today. And remember the higher you climb, the better the view. Let me encourage you to climb higher because you deserve to be happy. Talk soon.