Backwards But Redeemed | From Shame to Freedom: Living Fully in Christ

Shame and guilt have kept far too many people living beneath the freedom Jesus purchased on the cross. In this powerful episode of Backwards But Redeemed, Pastor Victoria shares how Christ not only forgives our sins but also breaks the chains of shame that try to define our identity.

Through biblical teaching and heartfelt encouragement, she reveals that your past does not determine your future. The enemy wants to keep you trapped in condemnation, but the Word of God declares that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Because of His grace, you are forgiven, redeemed, restored, and made new.

Join Pastor Victoria as she explores what it means to walk confidently in your God-given identity, release the weight of guilt, and embrace the freedom, peace, and joy found only in Jesus Christ. No matter where you've been or what you've done, redemption is greater than your past, and God's love is still calling you forward.

 If this message encourages you, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs the reminder that in Christ, shame no longer has the final word. Freedom does. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hey everybody, welcome back to Backwards Foot Routines. And so I know last week I talked um about taking wounds in to my teenage years and adulthood and was making a lot of decisions out of a broken place. Um this week I'm gonna kind of recap that because I want to talk about trying to pour out of an empty vessel this week and kind of start leading into when God came in and just wrecked my life in a really good way. You know, um I talked about getting married at a young age and realizing that I shouldn't have um stepping out on that marriage, starting a relationship with someone else, having a child with that person, and then rushing back into that marriage. You know, one thing I learned in all of that is pain makes a terrible counselor. Um, we make a lot of bad decisions out of pain, and sometimes we allow pain to counsel us. Um and that's just not a good place to be. Um, when you're allowing your pain to counsel you, you make really bad decisions, terrible decisions. Um, and allowing pain to counsel me in that I started to believe and normalize my wounds that this pain is normal, um, that it's okay, even though it shouldn't be okay, and it shouldn't be normal. The cycle of chaos that I'm living in, my pain allowed me to normalize it. My pain allowed me to believe that this is all I deserved. Um, is this chaos, not really truly being loved, um, and how this relationship looked was crazy. Um, and this was generational curses replaying. I didn't realize that at the time. Um, but I was because I remember as a little girl when I found out everything, I was like, I would never do this to my child. Not one time would I ever do this to my kid. I would never allow them to believe that someone else is their father while I did that. So don't ever say you will never. That is the one thing I have learned through all of this, um, is to never say never. Even if it's a God can always use your never and make you do something and make it really good. Um, but don't ever say never. Um is what I have learned. But I intentionally, even though I thought I was protecting her, did the exact same thing to my oldest daughter. Um, and there was a lot of shame and guilt that I lived with for a lot of years. As I looked back, as I look back now, there was a lot of shame and guilt I felt because I put her in the same situation I was in. And but I I my pain and all of that normalized that and said, it's okay, you know, you're fine. I wasn't, I knew I wasn't, but you're living, you you're raising kids and all the things, and I knew that I was not okay, and um sorry guys, I just want to make sure my points, I have all my points that I want to get to. Um, I knew it wasn't okay. I knew that I shouldn't be doing this, but what God showed me in all of this looking back and in the beginnings of coming to him and learning to rely on me is that he didn't create me to walk in fear. Um, he didn't create me to be to settle, he didn't create me to repeat every cycle of my family. He created me to walk in freedom and to break those cycles. And it took me a long time to realize that. And you know, I kind of want to talk on some of those points in this episode of I was trying to be a mother, but I was had no clue who I was. I was trying to pour out of this vessel that wasn't full, it was completely like my vessel was dried up, had dirt on it, like it was dried up. Um, there was no me pouring out anything but crap. I'll just put it that way. I wasn't pouring out anything good. There would be moments that I would have good moments, but everything else was just awful. That was pouring out of me, you know, and I was trying to be a wife and I was trying to be a mother, and I was trying to keep everything together, but I was still feeling rejected. I was still feeling shame, I was still feeling bitterness and unforgiveness and disappointment all over my life. I was feeling it everywhere, and I was trying to hide it, but the thing was that I was not hiding it well. You know, a lot of times we think we're hiding all this stuff, but we're not. Um, people who don't know us good may believe us that we're hiding it. You know, Facebook is one of those places where you can pretend that your life is all together. Because you can post the pictures of the perfect family and all the things, but you don't know that 10 minutes before that picture was taken, they were having a knockdown drag out, the mom and dad in the bedroom, and the kids were screaming. But you know, that you talk about, oh, this is you know, we're going here, we're going there. Great, but 95% of those people are miserable, are miserable because they're still living in this shame, but they're trying to make everything look good for everyone else. You know, by 22 years old, I had two daughters. One child was from a relationship while I was married, the other child was with my husband, and not many people knew that my oldest daughter wasn't my husband's. Unless you were like in our immediate family, people didn't know. Um, and some of our family, especially his family, didn't know. Um, and on the outside, it looked like I was managing everything well, but on the inside, I was dying and drowning. On the inside, everything inside of me felt like it was falling apart, and guilt and shame just took over. And even though people didn't know, I was still embarrassed. I was still embarrassed that I got married, had an affair, and had a child out of that affair. I was embarrassed and I still lived with that shame and guilt every day. And I felt like it disqualified me from everything. There were even moments I felt like it disqualified me to ever be a good wife, and it disqualified me to be a good mother because I knew that one day this would all come out. I knew one day my story would come out. I couldn't hide it forever. That I wouldn't be able to hide this story forever. I knew that in my heart, and I knew when it came out it was gonna disqualify me in my daughter's eyes as a mother, and it was gonna disqualify me as a wife in their eyes. That's what I thought I knew. That's what I had believed. That's the lie that the enemy had told me that when this comes out, your children are gonna look at you differently, they're not gonna love you anymore, and so a lot of my them growing up, they dealt with a lot of bitterness from me. Not towards them, but my own bitterness and my own unforgiveness. And they had to live with a mother who was angry and just I was not the best mother. I had moments where I was a good mom, but I was still pouring out of this place that the vessel was dry. You know, I just I didn't just have shame about what I've done. Shame had become part of who I saw myself as. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see what you guys see. I seen this shameful person who is awful. And I know that there are women who look in the mirror and see those things. Like you don't see what everyone else sees, you don't even see what you really look like because all you see is the shame and the guilt and the brokenness and the rejection. And I want to tell you, there's more to life than that. Don't allow that shame to overcome you, don't allow it to be your identity anymore. Don't allow rejection to be your identity. And I know it sounds, I make it sound like it's easy. I get it, it's hard. But if you start digging into the word of God, even if you don't have a Bible, if you don't have a Bible, comment. I will get you a Bible. We will get you a Bible. Comment, say, I need a Bible, I will get you one. But until the meantime, I know everybody has a phone. You can get a Bible on your phone. Start reading the word, start reading what the word says about you. You know, in Romans 8, 1, we get to it. Sorry guys, I should have this stuff. Like, but there's just moments he says, therefore, there's no con no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. That was hard for me, even after I gave my life to him. I'm like, God, you know what I did, you know all the things I've done, you know everything I did. What do you mean there's no condemnation for me? But that's what his word says, and his word he doesn't lie. So it's true. We have to get out of the way. And I had to start seeing myself as he sees me. So when I would look in the mirror, I would say, God, show me what you see because I don't see it. I need you to show me through your eyes what you see in me because I don't see it and I don't feel it. And he started revealing to me who I was in him. But in that, he also started revealing to me, I had to start forgiving. And I had to start healing those broken pieces, you know, and a lot of my forgiveness was towards myself. Yes, did I have to forgive my dad? And did I have to forgive these men in my life that hurt me? Yes, but I had to forgive myself. There was no forgiveness truly going to be given to them until I really forgave myself. I could say I forgave them and I could feel it, but it wasn't gonna happen until I forgave myself. And that was the hardest person to forgive was myself. Because I knew what I did, I knew everything I did, I knew the lies I told. I knew all the things I did to get me in that situation, and it was hard. The hardest part, it I don't want to say it was easy, but I could forgive myself for hurting my husband at the time. I could forgive myself for even hurting my oldest daughter's biological father because I wasn't perfect in any of those situations. I could forgive myself for hurting my parents because I know I did. The hardest thing for me to forgive myself for was my daughters. The things that they had to go through because I was pouring into them out of a broken vessel. Because I had no clue who I had no clue what my identity was, and I was trying to raise two girls to know their identity. That don't even make any sense, but so many of us are out here parenting and we have no clue who we are, but we're trying to raise kids to know who they are. How? We can't, and I I didn't plan on going down this road, but that's why there's so many kids and people out here who have no clue what their identity is, they have no clue who they are, you know. They're they're wanting to be a boy wanting to be a girl, a girl wanting to be a boy or animal, whatever. They're identifying as all these things, but it's because their parents never knew who they were to show them how to know what their identity was. And I struggled with that. I had to forgive myself. Like I up until about a few years ago, I would constantly message my daughters, I'm sorry for the things that you had to go through as a kid. I'm sorry for those. And you know, there's another part to my story. I have two biological daughters, and then I have a daughter that I raised who's 12. Um, she's not biologically mine, but she's mine. Um, I've had her since she was little. And my oldest daughter one day just said, Mom, we forgive you. We forgive you. She's like, we have something that Kenley will never have. And I was like, Okay. She said, Mom, we got to see God transform you from who you were to who you are now. She goes, Kinley will never have that. She says, she just gets the new version of you, and that's all she'll know. We got to see God come into your life, transform you, and he's still working in your life. She goes, even though it was crazy childhood, that's the gift that we got. And so when she said that, it struck with me, stop asking for forgiveness. They've already forgiven you. Why are you still holding on to this? And I had to really go home that day because I was at work when me and her were talking, and I had to go home that night and be like, okay, God, I haven't forgiven myself for this. Because when you forgive yourself, truly forgive yourself, and you ask those people to forgive you, you don't keep bringing it back up. And that's what God had showed me. He's like, that's why you kept bringing it up, because you never truly forgave yourself. And it took a 20-year-old to say, Mom, get it together. I forgive you. We forgive you. And this is the gift we got out of that. Because I didn't see it as a gift in the moment, but to them it's a gift, it's a gift that they got to see their mothers' lives transformed in front of their eyes, and I didn't see that in the moment. You know, nobody taught me that self-hatred could also be a prison. And I hated myself. And so, for so many years, from like 10 to my mid early 30s, I lived in this prison of hatred. And there are so many women and men right now that are living in this prison of hatred because you haven't forgiven yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever it is. Forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you. If you've asked him into your life and you've repented, he has forgiven you. We're the ones that keep bringing it up. And so I just want to encourage you with that today. You know, in Psalms 103, 12, it says, as far from the east is to the west, when we give our lives to him and we lay it all down, and we lay all of our sin and all of our shame down, he doesn't see it anymore. We're the ones that keep bringing it up. And I feel like when we keep bringing it up, he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. What do you keep bringing this up? Like, I have no clue what you're talking about, and you keep bringing this up, and we're the ones that remind him he's done forgot about it. But because we haven't forgiven ourselves and we didn't want to let go, we keep bringing it up, and my unforgiveness led into a lot of bitterness. Um, I tried to hide my anger, tried to act like everything was okay, but that bitterness and anger would leak out every time. There was so much anger, and there was so much bitterness in me. It couldn't help but to come out. You know, I would be snapping on my family, I was impatient. You could look it in my direction, and if I didn't approve it, I would get angry. Like, what in the world? And it all came from this one day in time because I was a little girl and no one taught me how to deal with the craziness that I was feeling, and I didn't understand what having a relationship with God was. Had no clue. I knew it looked good for the adults, but I didn't know how as a child how to have a relationship with God. Honestly, I didn't even know if it was possible as a child when I was a child. Like I think in my head I thought I can't have that until I'm older, until I'm an adult, until I decide to quit sinning. Like no one taught me that as a child I can have a relationship with God. And it is so important if you don't get anything else out of any of these. If you have children, teach them at a young age they can have a relationship with God. Teach them how to see God as a father, teach them how to see God as a protector, teach them who God is. Don't wait until they're my age, in their 30s or 20s, and try to teach them then, because it's hard. But if they grow up knowing God as a friend, as a daddy, it's not hard. I'm not saying they're not gonna slip. I'm not saying things aren't gonna happen, but they're already gonna have that relationship and it's gonna be easier to go back to him. You know, Hebrews 12, 15 talks about see that no bitter root grows. Listen, I had this bitter root from the time I was like eight, seven or eight years old, and it grew until my early mid-30s. I mean, it grew. Um, and because I didn't do anything about it, and I and then I compacted that bitter root, I put all my shame on top of it, I put all of my guilt and everything on top of it, it just built and built and built and built, and that's why all even though I thought I was hiding my anger, and I thought I was hiding it, it was still pouring out everywhere. I mean, it would just come out. It didn't matter who it was. If you make me angry, I was done, and you were gonna get the raft of Victoria. And I didn't care, um, because I just I didn't see a point anymore because I didn't think God could use me, anyways. I'd gone too far. And, you know, when you get to that point, parenting becomes exhausting. Marriage becomes exhausting. Just being is exhausting. Like just waking up was exhausting for me. Because I knew that I was already an angry person and that whatever came that day, I was probably going to explode on somebody. That's not happiness at all. There was no joy in my life. I tried to play that there was joy in my life. I tried to pretend that there was joy in my life, but there wasn't. And as my walk got closer to God, John 7 38, out of our hearts shall flow rivers of living water. Well, if rivers of living water can flow out of your heart if you are with God, what flows out of your heart when you're not with God? And what was flowing out of my heart before I found God was not good. It was destruction. It was so much destruction. Like I didn't realize how important our words were. You spoke that word. And guess what the enemy's gonna do? He knows you said it. So the next time something happens in their life, what does he get? Well, your mom told you you were stupid. I don't know why you would think that anything else would happen. You make stupid decisions, you make stupid choices. It is so important what we say to people. It's so important to think before you speak. You know, my husband has, I will probably mess it up, but he tells our kids all the time, before you say anything, do I need to say it? Is it uplifting and is it gonna hurt someone? Think. If it's gonna hurt someone and I don't need to say it, don't say it. If it's gonna encourage someone, say it. So I wish I knew that younger, because I mean I would just say things, and then I would expect you because I said something when I said I'm sorry, to accept my apology. Well, you could, but the enemy's still gonna use it, and I know he probably still uses it now, even with my kids. You know, you know, they've forgiven me. I've forgiven, you know, all the things, but I said some mean things when they were little. I would say things out of anger, I didn't mean them, but I was so angry, I would just say these stupid things, and it would speak into their lives. And I didn't realize that I was speaking into their lives, and now we're having to let God come in and deal with those things and help them walk through their lives. Thankfully, they have got to see God work in my life. Um, and sometimes do they struggle because I am mom um and they don't always want to hear from mom. Yes, but he is so good, and they know that, and they've got to see him play out what um what he can do, and so I just really want to talk to the moms right now, whether you're married, you're single, and you know what I'm talking about. You're exhausted, you feel like you can't give anymore, you can't do anymore. You're failing at being a mother, you're failing at being a wife, you're just failing in life general, in general. I want to encourage you that you're not, you're still getting up, you're still doing, but if you want it to get better, you have to get in his word. You have to get in his word and hear what he says about you. You have to create a relationship with him. Don't go as many years as I did with all this bitterness and rejection and this shame. I don't want anyone to ever have to go through that. And so I want to encourage you, please read the Bible, please read what his word says about you, please read about salvation and how once you give it all to him, it's gone. He doesn't see it as far as the east is from the west, you're covered in his love. And probably one of the hardest things for me, and I'm sure it will be for a lot of you, if you don't know who he is, or if you do, is accepting his love because you don't feel like you're worthy of it. But you are you are worthy of it, you are worthy of letting him love you and letting him be a part of you. And so I want to tell you this. We don't realize that while we're angry and bitter, we're actually running from God, not to him. And I want to encourage you to run to God. Run to him. He is the best daddy I could have ever asked for. He loves me unconditionally, and he will show you a love that you could never imagine. And so I want to encourage you to join us next week. Um, next week um, we're gonna talk about, I'm gonna tell the story of how we got to the church that I didn't want to go to. Um and what God did in my life in that church. But I do want to pray for you before we end this. Father, we just thank you. I thank you for your mercy and grace over my life and over everyone who's watching, Father. Father, and I pray that if there is someone who is feeling empty, that this story helps them in a way to feel your love, which you even just reach out and grab the Bible so they can start learning about your love, Father. Father, and I just ask that you protect everyone here with me today and everyone watching online. We love you in Jesus' mighty name. Amen. Have a great afternoon.