Trashy Bacon Story

Trash Day + Memories of Dad = Trashy Bacon Story

It's EEKshow Time

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:14

It's the eat show.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

It's the eating show.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Oh, I'm headed to the trash, trash, trash. I'm not gonna get any cash, cash, but I gotta dump off the old fucking stew. Trash, trash, trash, trash, and I ain't gonna buy anything for you. Trash, trash, trash, trash. Oh, I'm headed to the dump and I don't gotta pump. Trash, trash, trash. Oh, I'm headed to the seventh place and they got cash. Trash, trash, trash, trash. We got a bunch of old food and I'm not in the mood. Trash, trash, trash, trash. I call that fucking headed to the dump. Dropping off the fucking trash. You people with fucking five, six, seven, eight, nine fucking people in the house. Two, three, four, five, six kids. I mean, congratulations! I know you love your families, but holy fucking shit. That is insanity. After one, you're like, should we have another one? No! The answer is no. Now, our siblings and more kids are wonderful and huge families, and everybody loves each other? Absolutely. Congratulations! But what about trash day? What about the fucking heaping mounds of fucking diapers? Milk jugs emptied fucking wrappers. Toilet paper, paper towels! Well, toilet paper should be going in the toilet, so that should be flushed down. But you know what I mean! Paper products! And yes, we do put our toilet paper in the toilet. I just got out of control because I don't like fucking trash day. But we do have a dump. That part's nice. I enjoy rolling into a fucking illustrious establishment that's organized. You've got your carboard over here, you've got your bottles and plastic here, they got a glassware section. You can fucking extend yourself and drop off some copper if you want to make some extra money. You're supposed to put everything in the bags and throw it in the main dump. If you got wood, they got a fucking spot for wood, they got a plot for metal, they got a spot for shit. Actually, they don't have a spot for shit, but they do have a shot a spot for fucking dumping old oil. I haven't used it often, but they haven't. On the way to the dump, it made me think of my dad. The grand poo bah of very little. My dad always loved a deal. He didn't want to get fucking raked over the coals. Guy never had any money unless someone gave it to him. He fucking got it from his parents passing away, which was very little. Didn't get their house. He was a fucking shacer. He would fucking deal it out of people. I absolutely am positive. My entire life, other than when I was older and in college and graduated, they got a fucking car, a fucking like shit Hyundai from Enterprise, and I know it was a fucking shitbox. I remember the thing didn't run for long, and my mom used to use the You know that fucking kind of hospital fucking uh hospitalized wheelchair van UC and it says the R and on the side. Me and my brother used to do that every time my parents would show up for an outing or like a big holiday event. We'd be waiting for them to show up because as soon as they show up, you know everything's just gonna be a production. You see them pull into the driveway. I think it's this fucking spy hunter music. Spy hunter, remember the fucking weapons van? You pull up behind it, you pull in, you get fucking oil slick or smoke screen. Rockets was the best one. You could just blow people up on the road. I wish they had a weapons van right now, today. I'd fucking roll into the weapons van, get fucking the bombs, and fucking head over to the dump. Oh, but he was a beauty. My dad has been uh gone now for several years. And I certainly never wished him ill will in his his final years. He was uh sick in a in a rehab nursing home that was fucking just terrible. Not a good place. Never put himself in a position to really have anybody to help him, financially help him. I mean, we helped him financially as much as we could, but he wasn't the type of dad, or that's kind of and type of together type. He wasn't the type of dad. Oh fucking mouthpiece in, take it out. Yo, polo! Alright, so I'm pulling into the fucking trash place now. There's a green light and a red light with a guy in his little fucking hut that waves you along, makes you have the ticket. Yeah, how you doing? Hi. Looks like I'm gonna have to wait a second here. So right now, everybody pulls in and people back in. It's like it's like they back in as if they have like hundreds of bags filled with bricks. It's gonna take them fucking three or four hours to throw in the main fucking trash pit. Just pull in and fucking take it out of your trunk. Oh god, this is fucking unbelievable. You know what? I'm going to the other side. Fuck 'em. Fuck them. I'll go right to the other side. So now I'm going in the other side where I will fucking still pull in. Okay, I'm gonna have to be quiet here for a second just because I'm not backing in. This is some fucking goon squad fucking leader right next to me. I'm gonna pause. Last one in, first one out. They're giving out fucking medals. Oh, I've got the fucking gold locked up. Trash drop, gold medal, here he is, each show. Yeah, well, I uh used to be a skier, and then I thought I'd take a fucking trash drop off, you know? That was the sport that really grabbed me. You know, my dad he used to show me how much creating trash would uh allow him to not go and drop it off. He just sort of keep it in the house. So I learned, you know, maybe if I go and drop it off, I'll become an athlete. I gotta step out again. Trash drop. Back at it. Second lap. He's comfortably ahead. I mean he makes fucking looking he makes dropping trash. He makes it look like he's just fucking uh waltzing along on skis, fucking biathlon. A biathlonist. That's a word. Biathlon. Fuck off. Some guy that looks like a fucking human fucking fat turkey. He's got his fucking trash gloves on, he's walking by me with the fucking chose up. He's doing like Bassmaster. Bassmaster! If you're out there, fucking you are hilarious, and I respect what you do. That is fucking people don't understand how funny that shit is. Well, I'm sure a lot of people know because you're fucking famous now. You've been probably famous and making fucking bank for a while, but your shit's funny, man, because you've got the balls to just you're all in on being how fucking moron not moron, but how fucked up people really are. It's funny because what you do actually exists in our world. That's exactly why my fucking dad is so funny, because he's a fucking real person. He was real. Going to the trash place, I'm back on fucking lying now. Trash is done in record time. Fucking dual gold medal. I won the gold for the fucking 200-yard drop-off multiple bags. That's the first event. And the second event was the cardboard drop. It's actually combined with the plastic fucking uh, you gotta drop plastic and glass in different places. I dropped them off in speed time while I also was able to get rid of the cardboard that was cut up in perfect fucking square, well-measured fucking pieces to fit them into the crut the cardboard grinder. That's fucking two gold medals in one trash fucking dump visit. 2026, multiple gold medal winner, trash drop off each show. Holy fucking god. So Bassmaster, you're a fucking legend, brother. I hope you listen to this, because you will fucking you'll get it, you'll get it a little bit. If you met my dad, you would have imitated him too. Hey! Have you been watching the fucking this Bassmaster guy?

SPEAKER_00 10:15

He's kinda I like he's kinda making fun of them guys with the weights.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

And he knows get the fucking try the multicolored sweater and he walks with his shoulders back. I was like, uh, I used to be like that in high school. I've been fucking Lanesville and fucking Gloucester. Hey, I'm trying to talk in the fucking podcast. Shut your fucking mouth. My dad, I mean, he always looks for a deal. He just was a shyster. I left off talking about that car. Prior to that one car, my dad was able to swindle fucking our relatives, our church, and people of various jobs at our church out of multiple cars. He swindled my in-laws, my mom's parents, out of buying them a fucking Chrysler Baron that was yellow, looked like fucking Starsky and Hutch's car, but in yellow. He was able to swindle the church to allow us to store a ton of our shit up in their attic for years. He was able to swindle multiple jobs on people that worked at the church. He was able to swindle the church to build us a fucking shed. I mean, we were like a charity, charity case fucking family. And I'm telling you, I did not act or try to act like a charity kid. I had jobs, I had jobs as young as possible. Doing everything you would think of as a young kid in the 80s and 90s. Grocery store, uh, busboy at a fucking Italian restaurant where I used to fucking eat the old meals from people. If they didn't eat them, take them home. I fucking ate them. Fuck it. Beautiful piece of chicken parm. If there was two pieces in the order at Mario's, if they didn't eat it, I was fucking at the end of my shift, free piece of chicken parm, made my own fucking pasta at home and sat back and fucking just relaxed. My dad looked for a deal. He was able to scheme people out of fucking money, cars, sheds, storage space. He was so fucking feisty and street smart, or like, I don't know, scrappy, frugal, pathetic, that when Wendy's had their deal, they had the 99 cents bacon burger, junior, junior bacon burger, okay? It's 99 cents. And this is back when Wendy's probably was. I don't know how Wendy's is now. I I don't, I'm not a big Wendy's fan. I don't hate them, but I don't choose to go to fucking Wendy's. Frosties? Okay. Frosty's that's a that's a dream. So my dad, he liked Wendy's. He'd go to Wendy's, he'd get he'd order the fucking junior bacon cheeseburger, and one time he's telling me, he's like, Daddy, this is when I'm home from college in the summer. He's like, check this out.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

I go to dad, I go to the fucking Wendy's, and I'm like, give me uh give me three junior bacon cheeseburgers, but I want the extra bacon. Extra bacon and uh biggie fries and a large mountain dew.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Okay, so for you for all of you that can't understand how my dad talks, that is how he talked. He got three junior bacon cheeseburgers, extra bacon on all three, a biggie fries, he gave me the fucking biggie fries, and I don't want any fucking hot. Ah, sir, we don't put hot on fries. I don't want any fucking hot. He got it with double salt, no hots. So he gets fucking biggie fries, and of course, the the large mountain dew. Normally he would say light ice, get the maximum amount of fucking soda he could, but he's got a two-liter at home next to his seat, ready to roll, sitting down on the floor, and his fucking, you know, his fucking quintuple fucking glass fish jar in the freezer to fucking fill up. But here's the thing, he gets to the window and he and they they charge him and they're like, yeah, listen, we're gonna have to charge you for the bacon. You know, we're gonna have to charge you for the bacon. It's extra bacon. That's the 99 cent menu. You don't get the extra free bacon. My dad's like, huh? It's three junior bacon cheeseburger, it's a 99 cents menu. And he's pissed. Honestly, I don't remember the exact price. I mean, I'm talking like a dad now with the fucking stutter, but he's I don't know, maybe they let's just say that that time, this was years back, more than a decade ago, they charge him 25 cents for two pieces of extra bacon, right? You get two pieces of bacon, crisscross applesauce on the junior bacon cheeseburger. He wants extra. So that's two more pieces on each sandwich. That's six pieces. He's paying 25 cents for extra bacon. Maybe it's per slice. So we'll even say 50 cents. So he's gotta pay an extra dollar fifty on top of the three burgers at 99 cents plus tax. The biggie fry that's probably 99 cents at that time plus tax, and the large mountain dew, which is probably 99 cents. So he's only gonna pay another $1.50, but he's fucking bullshit. He's at the window, you know, he's telling me this. He's like, hey, they gotta, they're trying to fucking upcharge me for the bacon. And I'm like, you know what? They wouldn't budge. The fuckers wouldn't fucking budge. So he gets the burgers, they will not budge with him on the bacon. They won't. So they give him the burgers, he has to pay the extra dollar fifty. So let's just say whatever that price is, instead of five or six bucks, let's say six or seven bucks, oh it's like seven, hello, he's gotta pay eight fifty instead of seven. Or nine instead of seven fifty. I mean, minuscule. You're still under ten bucks, you're still paying with an Alexander fucking Hamilton. I don't know, I know the guy, I don't know what the fuck he did, but he's on the $10 bill. Congrats, Alexander Hamilton, you fucking white-haired old fucking bat. And if you love him, God bless you. I don't know anything about him. Yes, I'm an American citizen. Yes, I studied history, but I don't have any fucking memory of Alexander Hamilton other than that show. Uh and I haven't seen the drama, because that's not something I want to go see. I don't want to spend my time to see fucking Hamilton on Broadway. And if you love it, God bless you, okay? You don't want to see the things that I want to see, okay? Okay? Now shut up! It's my dad. So he's like, you know what I did? He's like, okay, fine. You're not gonna give me my fucking bacon. Fine. But that's what it says. It's a 99 cent menu. I'm trying to tell him, like, dad, it is extra bacon. Like, they should be charging you. He's like, nah, fuck that. So he he then proceeds to tell me, you know what I did? I fucking got him. I got him. I got those fuckers. He proceeded to drive home. He dropped off his food. We have bacon at home, like a lot of families do. My fucking family, in our house, we had fucking the shit. Store bought bacon. My dad always made bacon. I mean, bacon was just a staple in our house. Water, not a staple. Bacon, staple. This guy's fucking changing. It's like fucking, looks like he should shit himself when he's changing outside his car. Like, can I park next to him? This guy's gonna fucking wipe his diaper on my face. Jesus, you never know what you're gonna get when you're driving. This guy's fucking changing his fucking pants right out in the street. I'm talking full drawers too. The diaper part was made up, but that made the story funny. So he flat out, he's like, you know what I did? I fucking drove home, I got the bacon out, I I put the food in, I left it in the fucking bag, I put it in, I put it in the oven on warm. Now he cooks bacon on old school on the fucking on the top of the fucking stove. He's got two pans going, he's telling me I got two pans, I put the bacon in there, it's like a whatever that is, that's uh maybe 12 to 16 slices. He cooks up the entire package of bacon. He's telling me this. So I fucking cooked a whole thing of bacon and I got him, buddy. I fucking got him. He takes the bacon, he gets it all in a piece of a large piece of aluminum foil that he crinkles up. Okay, so it doesn't mean he takes all 16 slices, but he certainly told me he brought a bunch. So let's just say he brought half of it, eight to ten slices. He takes that, puts it in aluminum foil, and he puts it in his pocket. In his fucking, I put it in my pocket, and I drove back to Wendy's. So he takes the food that he has staying warm in the oven, he drives back to fucking Wendy's. He's telling me this. He's like, I gotta fucking get it, buddy. He drives back to Wendy's on fucking Route 1, which is near where the whole fucking the Benegins used to be, um, or the Sonic is, it's right in that area, the fucking Santarpio's pizza. That Wendy's. You all know it if you're from the North Shore. He drives back to that Wendy's, he's got the bacon and aluminum foil covered in and in his fucking blue slacks that are from fucking potentially 1940 and have never been washed ever. They literally have every single piece of fucking rat hair, foul dung ass fucking smell and fucking meal he's ever eaten, including sweating outside when he occasionally would come watch us play basketball. He goes into the fucking Wendy's and he goes up, he's like, Yeah, I was here at the dress room and I asked for extra bacon on the Junior Cheese bacon pig burgers, and you didn't give me my bacon, you charged me for it. And the woman is now there with the same person, but she goes, Yes, someone actually mentioned you, like you gotta, you gotta buy, pay for the extra bacon. That's just the way it is. That's a 9910 menu. My dad's like, oh yeah? Well, how about this? And he fucking puts his sandwiches out on the fucking counter. I don't know if anybody else is there, unwraps the three sandwiches, he takes out his aluminum foil with the bacon, and he's like, Oh yeah, how about fucking this? And he puts the bacon, he's like, he's telling me, it's like, I open the sandwiches, I put fucking three to four pieces of bacon on each of the sandwiches, and I'm like, uh, how about that? Now I got my extra bacon, and I didn't pay you any fucking dextra set. He's fucking screaming at them. And my my this is funny, someone next to me would probably think I'm a fucking lunatic. Ha ha, Mic Show. He's telling the woman at the desk who wasn't the one who waited on him, but already heard about this fucking lunatic. And all I can think of, that's the story, right? All I can think of is forget about my story. What about them? You gotta imagine, for seasons on end, every holiday, they're like, oh, you know, Sarah's coming home. The other guy was fucking Gil, who was the one taking the order at the fucking drive-thru. Gil and Sarah, their fucking stories, like, oh my god, Sarah's coming. She's gotta tell the bacon story of that fucking large, bulging, beastly man that like was pissed about getting charged for the extra bacon and then came back with his own cooked bacon and remade the sandwiches in front of her. And he's yelling at him. If you knew my dad and you just could picture the scene, that's as true as he is. That's that's what he was. He was gonna get his extra fucking bacon. He was gonna get his way, he was gonna fucking make you feel belittled, like you fucked up, not him. Oh, I told that story to fucking college friends and high school friends. They loved it. They called it the bacon story. I haven't s talked about that in so long. My dad was such a fucking street guy, and he got it out of fucking bacon and went back to Wendy's and stuffed it right in their fucking asses. So if you're out there, Wendy's crew, or you waited on my dad, wow, you've got a legendary tale on your hands. A legendary tale as old as time. A legendary tale you could tell people that work at the dump, they would appreciate that. My guess is it's people like my dad that work at the fucking dump, especially my town dump. There's a guy there that I needed to get rid of a fucking old vac old vacuum that it worked, but it was bad. And he's like, Yeah, sure, I'll take it off your hands. I'll tag it. The one thing I've noticed over the last chunk of time, when's the last time that someone said something to you about anything that you had on and were wearing and was being just complimentary? Like you had a nice hat on, like, hey, I like the lid, or hey, nice, fucking go brewings. I can't remember any time I've heard that, other than where I've heard of one Michigan stuff and people say go blue. But I I constantly talk to strangers, and I don't mean talk to them in in depth, but I want them to feel good about themselves. I will find something a lot of times on people, especially if it grabs me or it's something of interest to me. And I just want to make them feel important just for that second. Because you'll be surprised, right? People always say, like, oh my gosh, you really look nice in that. Oh my god, you look so thin, right? So basically, you feel great, but then you if you think about it longer, like, wait a minute, well, did they are they saying that I was fucking fat the last time they saw me? Say something nice to somebody because someone I I said this in a previous episode, but in terms of me, I must be like a fucking pukazoid because nobody's uh noticing anything. I haven't even got a compliment about my fucking recent fucking Nike kicks, which are uh fucking wonderful snakes. I could fucking jump above the rim and fucking do a reverse fucking slam a jamma. But nobody says, Poo. The Eek Show! It's indeed a freak show. I miss all of you. I look forward to the next time and uh have an excellent day. Hope you enjoy some fucking sandwich that has bacon on it. This is the Eek Show.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

I see you soon, I see you soon.