HandiCat Parking

BONUS Episode to kick off the EEKshow's 1st weekend.

It's EEKshow Time

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

This is this is the song for a bonus episode. This is this is the song for a bonus episode of the eek show.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

How can you not start a fucking eek show when the fucking license plate in front of you says 2 eek 23? It's not spelled the right way, but it's fucking 2EAK23. Fucking deuces EAK Jordan. Change the A to an E and I fucking steal that car. What is that? XT fucking? It's a caddy as a Cadillac. XTS maybe. Fucking Eek! Jordan! You know it's gonna be a good day! Should be dropping fucking Benji's on the fucking red 23 at Encore. 35 to 1. Buy me some fucking Danishes! Guy next to me's like, hey man, can you fucking keep it going? I'm trying to fucking gamble. Dude, I saw fucking Cadillac XTS, sorry, CTS. Whatever the fuck I said earlier, I already forgot because it turned off. XTS Oh no, there he is! There he is! Eek 23! XT4! 350T! Whatever the fuck all that means. Yo, you get the uh zipper fucking down trop fucking 41! Yeah, it's got the uh dual quad fucking rip step! The fuck does all that shit mean? I have no clue. Guys fucking skip me shit. I'm like, dude! Just fucking won 35 to 1 on a fucking Benji! Fucking 3,500 bucks! I might give him a hundred just to shut him up! Fuck out of my face! Pit boss is taking a sweet ass time. Give me my chips. Give me my fucking cash and give it to me now! Of course I'm kidding. I'm not in a bad mood. I just won fucking 35 to 1 because of a goddamn license plate. Someone was looking down fondly on me. Keep in mind none of this happened. It was all fucking imagination, which is what the Eek Show sometime creates. Stories are all around us.

unknown 2:42

They're all around us.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

I'm going the fucking wrong way. Perfect. I'll tell you who fucking had a tough time fucking commuting or moving around, and it was my mom. You've heard about the trailer. I mean, it was pretty fucking small, and her chair wasn't small, and she wasn't small. My mom was a a dainty woman, but because she was paralyzed for so long, all her weight would go right in her midsection, right? Her upper body didn't gain a lot of weight. She didn't get a lot of exercise. She could do a lot for someone who was paralyzed from the waist down. She could fucking swim, which is amazing. Her whole upper body could carry her lower body. She had no feeling for her waist down. My whole life. I mean, again, since three and a half. That's difficult in the sense that I don't remember me for three and a half. I do remember not liking the fucking peas fucking by Gerber. That fucking shit sloped. It's like eating fucking ground-up fucking snot. Why the fuck would you give you kid fucking ground-up fucking peas when you're young? I mean, I know you need health, but that's something that looks like fucking vomit. She had trouble moving around. Small place, big chair. She got heavier and heavier over time. But she was able to do it. One hallway, one fucking room she could get into. She'd go into the bathroom as well, which was amazing. There were bars for her to be able to kind of move herself off and on the chair, but she typically needed help as she got older. The whole thing was pretty crazy. I mean, once she gets to the hallway, it's like this mini-room. It's a living room. I don't even you can't call it living room. There's no living going on in that room. There's fucking one chair, no couch, the whole room was filled with shit. It was like a fucking messy closet with fucking shit all over it. And that's the room you walk into, and then to the right of it, the kitchen. That again is the size of a fucking small soccer goal. Her moving around was difficult. So, in short, I mentioned we had cats. We had several cats over my lifetime. My mom would accidentally, of course. She wouldn't know where she was going or what she was doing, and she would roll over the cat's fucking tail twice a month. Even though that's not funny, it's kind of funny, because every time she do it, you you don't know when it was coming. You know, it's sort of like you live in a neighborhood with a train, right? And all of a sudden you hear that. And you're like, oh, there's a train, you know? For me, our train was my mom accidentally rolling over our cat's tail. Imagine you're fucking, you know, my mom is probably over. I mean, honestly, with the chair, she's probably over 200 pounds in the chair. You know, with her weight and the chair's weight. The chair was an old school chair, wasn't. She had an electric one in my later years after I came home from college. Dude, her regular chair would you manually roll. She'd roll over the cat's tails and it'd be like, fucking crazy, you know, fucking the tail would forget about just you feeling like a shot a fucking lightning bolt just hit your fucking skull and you're you know. Jesus, I can't explain it enough. 200 pound plus fucking big bag of weight on a fucking cat's tail when it's sleeping or not expecting it. And my mom would like look like she just shot a fucking dog, you know, like, what did I do? You know, like you rolled over the fucking cat's tail, mom, again. And again, who if you were there, you didn't know it was coming. So it shock the shit out of you, and just imagine how the cat felt. I mean, I the cat got through it, you know. All our cats never died from being rolled over luckily by my mom. But maybe it was foreshadowing. Maybe it was fucking foreshadowing. Fucking maybe the upper fucking lord in heavens were telling us, get out of this fucking rot box. Your cats are trying to give you a fucking sign that they're gonna get hit by a metal fucking hunk outside the house. Fucking classic mom story right there. My fucking brother, if he hears this episode, he hears that, he will fucking crack up because every time it happened, I was like, just never knows. Take your time, dude. Yep, take your time. Fucking dude's fucking ass. Guy's getting out of his car, big fucking Jeep coming at him, just taking his time. He couldn't go slower. It's like he's making his batch of molasses for the fucking morning. Get out of my way, you bitch! Jesus, fuck! That's funny to me. That's why I always put that in the episode. People just sucking ass. Jesus. Get out of the fucking way, you stupid ass fucking Adidas bag! I would just had the mind to fucking stop the car, get out, grab his bag, and fucking hurl it into the woods. I didn't do it, but I absolutely wanted to do it, and that's why I'm sharing it with you. Okay, back on track, my mom tormenting our cats. Shit was funny, man. She would absolutely do it twice a month. The entire time I was there before I left for fucking college. Classic. Classic fucking mom story. Ah, so many topics swirling around. What will it be on this day? It'll be a short one. We're already eight minutes in. Being handicapped. You know, there's a lot of people out there that have handicapped or disabilities. And I think Shane Gillis, uh one of these, you know, everybody knows Shane Gillis at this point. The guy's fucking hilarious. He's a current comedian. I wouldn't even call him up and coming, right? The guy has landed. He's getting gigs everywhere, television shows, commercials. Fucking, he's part of the roast that was on recently for fucking Kevin Hart. I I love when he brings up the bit about, you know, he's got people in his family with Down syndrome, and that they're fucking happier than most people, right? They're just they're living to the means in terms of their emotions. They don't need extra shit. Fucking ice cream cone. It's like they won the lottery. Going out for a walk, kicking a ball. My mom being in a wheelchair my whole life. I think when you have people with disabilities or or handicap issues, especially if it's in your inner circle, you you're defensive about it. Not that you won't make jokes out of it. For me, everything's humorous, anyways. I'm not doing it to pick on my mom. There's shit about everything that's funny, and that's what this is. It's opinionated fucking humor. But people that have disabilities, right? If they're part of your life or you deal with that, you understand that, you have a soft spot for them. You you're willing to step up for them or defend them. Like I'll make fun of my mom and talk about stuff from the past and make it a joke, but when I was younger, right through high school into college, if someone ever fucking talked shit or insinuated anything about my mom or acted like she was in their way or whatever that fucking was, I I was defensive about it. I would have fucking I would have fucking died for my mom. Regardless that she didn't have a nurturing relationship with me. It was just sort of I knew her situation. I recognized she was married to a fucking shithead. You know, I'm a guy and she's fucking my mom. And I would fucking be defensive for her. I don't know why. I don't know if it was always appropriate, but and I wouldn't pop off all the time, but if anybody if I heard anybody say something or like be like, what'd you say? Like you just get I feel like if you're defending or fighting for someone else, it's so much easier than nothing can bother me. I'm not gonna fight if someone wants to fucking pick on me or make fun of me or talk shit to me. I I I've gotten a million comebacks and I could rip somebody the way worse they could rip me. I'd find out something about you in two seconds and fucking make you feel like you were a fucking dead fucking worm on the ground burning up with the sun. You know what I mean? Like d unfortunately, my dad's fucking toxic fucking craziness instilled that pure fucking venom in me, which I don't think is necessarily a good thing, but it's good if you want to be funny. You know what I mean? That's fucking, you know, if you're you're fast-witted or you have quick quips and comebacks, I mean, the timing of those things can be fantastic. You know, you and I know people out there, especially from New England. Everybody from New England is ready to fucking, you know, hate on everybody. We we we're just we're very willing to just, you know, think someone sucks before we know anything about them. But that's what's kind of funny about the Northeast, is nobody's really wants to be friends. You know what I mean? Everybody's like, fuck the fuck you looking at. Fuck stupid hat, fuck out of my way, all that shit that I make jokes about, a lot of my characters, because I'm fucking from here. But my mom being handicapped, as fucking Shane Gillis mentioned, you know, in terms of dealing with Down syndrome and his family, like we're the ones stuck in the fucking shit life sometimes. It's not always bad, but you know what I mean. Fucking, especially right now. The world's fucking great if you're living in your inner bubble, but so much shit going on. It's crazy. Ups and downs, and you don't even have to be important to be dealing with this shit. But I'm not making my opinion about that. I think why I'd mention the topic now as it aligns with my mom and her disability is there's some perks when you fucking have a disability. When you're a handicapped person, you fucking get a handicapped plate. And that fucking line down, stick figure, line across, one more line down, one little line to the right with a tiny little foot stick, the half circle that's the fucking chair wheel or or the person's ass. You see that decal, you see that logo, you're like, oh, handicap, can't park there. Parking's a motherfucker, right? Parking could be its own goddamn episode, but parking's a goddamn fucking billion dollar fucking business. I mean, everybody quit your job and own a fucking parking lot. You know what he means? It's a fucking booming fucking business. You can't park higher, you can't park there. You gotta pay to park there. Everybody tries for parking higher and higher every year. But if you got that magical handicap plate, which we had for some fucking reason, the poorest family in the goddamn fucking city, or at least one of, my fucking beautiful mom had that fucking plate, that perk, right on the fucking back of the car. License plate, which allowed me and my buds when I was old enough to drive, to be parking right downtown in the center of Boston, near the garden, in a spot that I can honestly tell you, I can't say it's a hundred percent, even though I think it was, it was a hundred percent, ninety-nine point nine percent available every fucking time I went to drive when I was the designated driver, or driving, or just I drove a lot with my buds and we went to Boston. Or we went anywhere else. We're parked, it was gonna be difficult. And I will be honest, most people that have a handicapped person or maybe something dealing with a you know a disability in their family, they might get better perks because they got money. We got no money. Like you really should be fucking going to fucking ball games, concerts, you'd be you'd get fucking floor seats, front row, your own section. If you're in a wheelchair, you're getting good fucking seats, okay? You're getting good fucking seats at the concert, at the Celtics, at the Bruins, at Fenway, at fucking Gillette. You go to a fucking nice restaurant, no reservations, roll up with a fucking roll up with my mom. We'll fit you in. I don't want to get in trouble with this fucking asshole getting out. Jump out in traffic, fucking douche! Jump right out! Fucking douchebag. Fucking two in one episode! I'm real, man. Start fucking putting point values on these people, man. What a perk? The fucking handicap plate? At one point, just like I talked about getting tattoos, I thought about just getting the fucking handicap fucking license plate tattoo right on my fucking forehead. Be like, yeah, you you uh so you got a handicapped person? Be like, you looking at my forehead? Take the fucking hat off, it's a winner, so I got a hat on. Take the hat off, like, yeah, we're gonna need his fucking seat down front. Everybody's like, oh dude, it's a handicapped guy, you know? Is he handicapped? I don't know. His mom is. That's why he's got the tattoo on his forehead. That handicapped plate, man. It's like fucking bingo card. Troy Brown hitting bingo. By the way, was that foreshadowing as well? The second foreshadowing in the same episode? Troy Brown, I got bingo, bingo, and he gets bingo, and we win the Super Bowl that same year. Is that foreshadowing? Troy Brown gets fucking bingo and we win the bowl? Unreal, man. Rolling over my fucking cat's tails and foreshadows that they maybe get all get hit by a car in future time. Everything's connected, right? Everything's connected. I can talk shit to that guy instead of just rolling by him and complaining to the eco show. Ekeshow complaints! File your complaints, eek show, dot show, eekshow.show, Instagram, info eekshow.show, that's the email. Apple and fucking Amazon music. You guys know the spots. Fucking auto spots. So sometimes a disability? Yeah, it was it was debilitating. Hence the word fucking diss instead of uh ability and disability. You know, they sound different. Yeah, you fucking dissing my ability, kid? You dissing that shit? Who diss? Yo, that's disability. Who dis? Fucking diss my ability, kid. A disability? Handicap. The plate was a fucking bingo card, man. I can't lie, and that's funny shit. Thanks, Mom. Appreciate it. And that's the fucking episode. Her fucking being in a wheelchair, rolling over fucking cattails, and us being able to park wherever the fuck we wanted. That's the easy way, you know what I mean? You're like, I wonder if he's gonna talk about fucking cookie powder this morning and how it sometimes is it just spreads too thin because there's not enough fucking flour in the mix. I'll eat any goddamn fucking chocolate chip cookie you bake. Okay? I don't give a shit if it's got fucking walnuts in it, chocolate chips, raisins. I don't give a shit if you put fucking cranberries in there. I'll eat every goddamn one. You make a batch, I don't want them fucking burnt. I want them undercooked, still go eat, and I want a fucking cold glass of milk to go in. This is the e show! I hope you all have an excellent, excellent week.