Fear Driven Ambition

Fear can create ambition… but it can also steal your peace.

In this first episode, I talk about how survival mode, instability, and anxiety pushed me to overachieve at a young age while quietly taking the joy out of success. This isn’t advice — it’s reflection, honesty, and insight from lived experience.

Fear-Driven Ambition
Cultured Minds Network

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Peace. This is Dr. Ibn Sharif Shakur, and this is the first episode of my unnamed podcast. Hopefully there's many more to come. And this topic today is about fear-driven ambition. I always like to give insight, not advice. I can give, you know, my personal experiences, my lived experiences, and put it out in the world and universe for those to learn from. You know, some may view it as a testimony or just information, educational information that we can relate to. And, you know, a lot of times with with trauma, it feels like we're the only ones that that go through it because the walls feel like they're closing in on us. You know, so and also given my clinical, my clinical insight as well as a therapist and a doctor of education, actually. Gotta be clear on that, with uh everything that's going on in the world about credentials and things like that. My doctorate is in higher education, and my my master's is in counseling. I'm a licensed professional counselor at LPC. A lot of times we praise we praise ambition. It's it's typically viewed as a positive trait, something that, you know, helps with resilience. And, you know, in in the world, in life, you know, most of us, you know, or a lot of us aim for success and whatever that means to us, and you know, ambition can really, you know, can really get you there, you know, but we don't always ask what's driving us. And for me, I dealt with a lot of fear-driven ambition. You know, I do think some of it, some of it was purpose-driven, but the fear that was behind the ambition at times was much louder than the purpose. For me, it took a lot of the fun out of out of the journey of being successful and you know, applying my ambitious, ambitious ways to to to execute a lot of my plans and and my my strategy and my creativity, you know. So I want to say around maybe like age 14, 15, when my nuclear family was was pretty much broken up. And when I say nuclear family at the crib, it was probably it was me, my my grandmother, and I believe my two brothers, younger brothers, and you know, eviction took place. And from 15, the next three years, I stayed with with at least three family members, and one was out of state. And, you know, at the time, you know, I'm at in that adolescent stage where, you know, identity is forming, and you know, I'm having fun to an extent. I'm I'm struggling with some things for other reasons that we'll address on another podcast. But you know, identity is forming at that time. You have your peers, you know, I was playing basketball, you know, and I was just snatched out of that environment. And when you're when, you know, for me as a kid, I was alre all always aware and you know, very reflective and very I was a thinker, not really a speaker. And when a lot of those things were happening, eviction, you know, being pulled out of your your what you felt was your emotional s safe place and physically, you know, where you're most comfortable, and you're, you know, living in different environments where, you know, you don't feel you may feel maybe family, but you know, it's not like your nuclear family, right? You're extended family, and you know, you you become very aware of, you know, walking on eggshells, you don't want to be a burden to people, you know, things you start, you know, you start being so more so self-reliant that it becomes uncomfortable. And and and fear and anxiety, you know, develops even more. So, you know, at that age, you know, hopping around a little bit, you know, I had this self-realization where, you know, I'm like, damn, you know, unfortunately, there are adults, you know, in my life, you know, everybody goes through stuff that you don't feel like you can rely on to guide you to to to success. So from there, you know, that that fear, you know, it it it forced me to kind of like, you know, change directions and take more control over my future, you know, but at the same time, it was like, you know, running from this monster, this big monster that was chasing me, or I felt like was chasing me, and I'm looking back and it feels like it's getting closer and closer and closer. But I'm running, I'm running, and it's not really gaining any ground on me, but it's the illusion that it is that, you know, keeps me running and you know, throwing myself into into my work, throwing myself into creativity and and and you know, just amplifying the the sense of urgency that that helps, but it also has its its its side effects and its cons. And it gets to a point where like achievement just becomes like temp temporary relief instead of fulfillment. And you know, I just remember getting my last degree, a doctorate, and just afterwards, just like feeling nothing, empty. I didn't even walk, I didn't even walk across the stage, I didn't even go to the graduation, you know, because you know, obviously you put in the work, you you know, you you're proud, you understand what took place, but there was a level of numbness, you know, because you know, I don't think I enjoyed the process. You know, I understood the power in it, I understood the the positive qualities that it took to get there, but it wasn't fun. You know, I don't regret going, but I definitely wish I would have enjoyed the moment a little bit more and you know and took a pause at times, you know. And you know, this this hyper independence that I that I developed and this hyper vigilance about my survival. And when I say survival, we're talking about the hierarchy of needs. When you get snatched out of your environment and your nuclear family at at such a young age before your brain is really d halfway developed, you you know, every every day feels heavy. You know, if I don't if I'm not successful, am I gonna be able to feed myself? Am I gonna be able to clothe myself? Right? For for the for people who don't, you know, who are not going through that, they may not understand that. Right? But this is, you know, being reflective and and thoughtful, you know, you you think about that stuff, even at a at a young age, we're all we're all different. And I kind of saw I had the foresight to see that, you know, at age 15, 16, if these things, if I didn't, you know, become more self-reliant and take control of my life, then, you know, in my mind, I would be a failure. If I could tell my younger self something, I would say, calm down. Everything gonna be smooth. Everything is a process, you learn, take your time, and you have what it takes. Fear is I guess necessary at times, but you don't want to live from that place. You know, because it's gonna work out. And when, you know, when your safety, when your safety and your stability kind of gets gets gets disrupted at such a young young age, you know, you're you're you know, when when you're trying to become success successful, what you're really trying to do is like rebuild emotional security. That's why it's like chasing this this dragon, right? Like this success will make me, you know, I'll feel more emotionally emotionally secure. And you know, you know, some of that is, you know, is is pretty common, right? Like this is why, you know, in especially in the old days, get you a government job, you know, think about your future, you know, but this chronic fear that's that's behind it is it's not all it's not fun. That's the best way I can describe it. It's not fun. I mean I sh and I'm sure that there's others who can relate to that. And you and you know, for me the narrative always felt like, you know, being the oldest sibling, you know, being a lot of feeling that pressure to carry, you know, people know you as the successful one. And you start kind of like, you know, f you know, feeling feeling like your your your fear the fear of failing, you know, because you know, fear of judgment, you know, when you're in di different spaces, because you know the the expectation is for you to be that one. You know, young prodigy, you know, things like that, having you know, being a high achiever without acknowledging the trauma, you know, that you've experienced. So I'm not saying that ambition is bad. You know, fear can push people into greatness, but eventually you gotta ask yourself, um, if I'm am am I building a life or am I just escaping a feeling? And, you know, at 40 years old, obviously it's easier to say now, but now I can try kind of like take my time with things and you know, focus on depth rather than just like moving real, real fast and trying to get to what we think is a a finish line that doesn't really exist. So that's my insight on fear-driven ambition. Check me out on the next episode when I finally get a name for the podcast. Peace.