How I learned Not to Cry

In this episode of Culture Conversations, I speak personally about emotional suppression, survival, masculinity, and the experiences that slowly taught me how to disconnect from my emotions. “How I Learned Not to Cry” is a real conversation about pressure, pain, emotional conditioning, and the process of relearning vulnerability and healing.

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Peace. This is Dr. Ibn Sharif Shakur, doctorate in higher ed, master's in counseling, licensed professional counselor, LPC. Just gotta clarify what the credentials are so we don't get crossed up with everything that's going on in the world with credentialing, etc. etc. Um, welcome to the Culture Conversations Podcast. Today, the title of this episode is How I Learn Not to Cry. Always insight, not really advice. I just like to give some insight. As I always say, some may say it's a testimony. I say it's a learning experience. Also something I can use to teach others. I want to say around maybe like seven or eight years old. I was living with my great-grandmother and my mom. And I was relatively close to both of them. My mom had some struggles at that time, you know, early 90s. I was the only child at that point. And my great-grandmother was just such a uh a beacon of stability. Um, she was so calm. She was older, so you know, I feel like I I took on her nervous system and, you know, adapted to being an old soul. And um, I just remember one day, you know, my great-grandmother having to put my mom out. And um, I just I was just crying. I was just like crying my heart out, like, because up to that point, there may have been some, you know, some inconsistencies, you know, with my mom in terms of being in and out of the house for whatever reasons. And um, I recognized this particular night when she got put out by my great-grandmother, I kind of like recognized that um this wasn't the first time like that like some instability had taken place. And I was just crying. I didn't want her to leave. I just remember sitting in the tub because my great-grandmother wanted to, I don't know, either get me ready for school or maybe it was just get me ready for the next day and get me cleaned up. So, you know, that night something changed in me. I was like screaming at the top of my lungs because, you know, me and my mom were relatively close. You know, I was with her majority of the time outside, and then my grandma, my great-grandmother was the stability inside. Um, so and that that night something changed in me. You know, me crying, screaming at the top of my lungs. It was like an internal voice basically was saying, like, stop crying. You know, like don't cry because this is something that's gonna keep happening. And it was kind of like, like, I didn't have the language at that time, but it was like, if you stay emotionally attached every time, you will keep getting hurt. So I want to say, you know, if my memory serves me right, I'm not saying that that's the last time I ever cried in my life. But that was the the last time that I could remember that I actually, my relationship with crying was actually free and you know, and vulnerable without judgment of myself. You know, because sometimes what we call strength is like, it's really like emotional survival. So as I got older, my idea of strength, part of it was not crying, like pushing through. You know, you know, me just having to attach, feeling like I needed to protect myself, you know, it felt like peace, but it but it was really like throwing up with situations of like when things were unstable. You know, so the way I learned how to detach to prepare myself for disappointment is something that I like went through my entire life, you know, viewing the world that way and trying to navigate pain. So I kind of like lowered my expectations. I learned how to lower my expectations for people so that I wouldn't be disappointed. And if I'm painting the picture correctly, that night was very, very traumatic for me because I was also concerned about where my mother was. So there's this person that I'm attached to, you know, and she keeps going in and out of my life, you know, not in an extreme way, but when you're attached to your parent, you know, you're with them 24-7, you know, even the slightest inconsistency can affect your nervous system because your parent is one of the people who regulates you. They regulate you and, you know, knowing where they are that comfort. So, you know, as I got older, you know, it showed up in my in my ability to be vulnerable. You know, I kind of could like leave emotionally before before others leave. Kind of like, you know, preparing, like self-sabotaging, prep preparing for disappointment. So, you know, I don't trust people with consistency. Sometimes I could like, you know, be emotionally numb and um kind of like just feel safer being detached and fully connected. You know, I try to connect now, being intentional with people who I, you know, I really rock with, that I really vibe with, but it's still a struggle, you know, because when you when you're going through those stages of development and you have inconsistencies, and you know, that was a night that it changed, but it was something that a behavior that got, you know, reinforced as I got older throughout my adolescent years and in different situations. So you you develop this armor, and and it's ironic, right? Because armor protects you in war, but in love, it weighs you down because there's no vulnerability. And I'm not blaming my mom. I just want to provide that that balance because, you know, I know she had her own trauma, struggles of her own, survival, um, addiction, you know, and issues affect everyone. Everyone around them, and it affects them, obviously. And um, so things can be complicated, you know. You can have compassion for your family, for your parents, and and honesty can exist as well, you know, because life is life, you know. You know, so as an adult, I have compassion for her, but I can still acknowledge what the experience did to me emotionally. And, you know, those survival mechanisms can become like these personality traits, you know, like that, you know, like that that are very loud. And, you know, just me being confused about this emotional numbness, believing that it was strength, you know, um, and just operating from like that childhood survival mode, you know, and just trying to learn how to like feel safe again. And it's and it's by far the biggest challenge I've ever had in my life. And not just because of what happened, but just like as you, you know, you grow older and sometimes you get into situations that kind of like, you know, um, it feels like it reinforces why you need to be like that, you know, and it kind of like digs a deeper hole for you. So at that point, I feel like I learned how not to cry anymore. Might be using hyperbole, but you know, because I have cried since then, but that's just a defining moment for me. You know, I'm still learning how to feel again. You know, creativity has helped me. Therapy, understanding where things went left a little bit and how to combat them by being intentional. Because, you know, a lot of us mastered emotional survival before we really learned emotional safety. You know, so you know, people don't heal by becoming tougher. You know, they they kind of heal by like like feeling safe enough to like stop being in survival mode and and understand what's going on around them. So, you know, when people think, you know, people sometimes can think detachment means like you don't care, you know, but sometimes, you know, it feels like you care too much for too long without feeling safe. So, you know, for me, um, that was a defining moment, you know, that picture, I can still see it in, you know, in my mind. I even did EMDR training. I mean, I training training, EMDR therapy, you know, for this and going back into that spot in that moment where it happened. And I just I can literally see myself in the tub as my mom is leaving out. And she was pregnant with my with my little brother at the time. And that feeling of just saying, like, you can't keep crying because, you know, you may hurt again. So, you know, just, you know, I hope this this podcast episode and um, you know, this information I provided is some insight and also tips on, you know, making sure you are intentional about connecting with people that you feel safe with and understanding that survival and detachment is not it's not really healing. It's not healing at all. It's it's it's uh like a maladaptive behavior that um that the armor that we have that prevents us from loving ourselves and feeling emotionally safe within ourselves. Peace.