The Child Who Became the Adult

In this episode, I talk about parentification and what happens when children are forced to grow up too fast emotionally. I reflect on being taught to “be strong” for others at a young age, learning to neglect my own feelings, and carrying responsibility before fully understanding myself. This conversation explores survival, grief, self parenting, and the hidden cost of always being the strong one.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Parentification, the child who became the adult.

unknown 0:04

Dr.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Ibn Sharif Shakur. A lot of kids that come from fractured homes kind of become emotionally responsible too early. And I don't mean just physically, you know, physically helping out. You know, we all put the oodles and noodles on the stove. Might scramble some eggs for the family, you know, especially if you got younger siblings. But more so emotionally helping too. I remember personally being around like eight years old. That's when my first little brother was born. And I just remember hearing things like, You gotta do it for your brother. Eventually, brothers, you gotta be strong. They're looking up to you. All things that are true. Of course, I wanna be a role model. Of course, I want to set a good example. But I think when you're coming from a fractured nuclear family, people, the people in your community and family around you can kind of like unconsciously or consciously, you know, put that pressure on you at a young age to, you know, be the next one in line because it's understood that, you know, the ones before you um in your in your immediate family maybe didn't, you know, give much to pass down to you, right? So we can kind of internalize that sometimes. You know, at first it sounds positive, like I said, but over time it can teach you something that's very dangerous, and is that your feelings become second? You don't ask anymore, like, what do I need? You know, you stop asking that, and you kind of like by default start looking out for everybody else. Um, and it's almost like, fuck what I need. What does everyone need from me? And um, a kid who's parentified is like becomes the strong one, the fixer, the peacemaker, and like the emotional support system for everyone. Which is, I mean, it's no coincidence that I became a therapist and I, you know, just like went right into that field for many reasons, but you know, obviously it's easier for me being parentified at such a young age. Um, you know, finding yourself suppressing your emotions so others won't break, you know, and feeling guilty for having needs, mediating problems, um, just carrying emotional pressure too young. And what happens is you learn how to survive your environment before even developing yourself completely. Hence why, you know, for me, as I got older and became an adult, you know, I'm like, look, I ain't doing this no more. It's not happening. You know, in my 30s, I felt like I was had already lived um half a century already. And um when my when my mom died, I want to say I was about 20. And it just kind of like intensified everything. I heard be strong even more. And I think, you know, instead of fully grieving, part of me went straight into survival mode and assignment mode. You know, for a brief period, I even had custody of my younger brother, my middle brother, and I was just in the mix of everyone trying to piece together the puzzle of this chaos. I was just in the mix, in the mix, and um, you know, just um further pushing me into that mentality, you know what I mean? Um, of the helper, the fixer, you know, um, you know, so forth and so on. Um, and what's interesting is that I noticed, you know, kids with more stability and resources, they often get more room to like fail, explore, be emotional, make mistakes. Going back, I don't remember anybody within my community or within my close family who had more resources than me. I never remember them, you know, having that type of pressure or even being viewed as having that role. You know, it was almost like, wow, damn, I got less resources, less guidance, but yet I feel more pressure internally and sometimes externally as well. Um, so you know, kids coming from fractured homes, it's like we get treated like adults at times. You know, some people were allowed to develop slowly, and I was expected to survive quickly and adapt. Another layer was self-parenting. I wasn't just helping raise others, I was internally trying to raise myself, especially at a young age. Um, you know, teaching myself emotional regulation, correcting myself without any guidance or or little guidance, um, trying to become a man through observation, instinct. Um, trying to like, you know, try not to become what I saw around me. And, you know, picking up little gems from from other places as well. And um, I know for me it makes it more difficult or made it more difficult for me to take advice from others as I got older. I'm always open to insight, but at the same time, it was like, I don't know who knows better than me with all these experiences that I have. It doesn't make me arrogant, but it makes me, you know, like I'm gonna lean on my my own understanding. You know, it kind of taught me that type of self-corrected behavior mentality. Um, so you know, the survival instincts helped me become successful and it shaped me into being a therapist, like I said. Um, helping became more natural, you know, because I was emotionally trained early. Um, but but trying to heal it taught me something else too. Strength is not just carrying somebody else, strength is also resting, setting boundaries, acknowledging your own pain, allowing yourself softness, realizing that you deserve support too. And um a lot of us became strong children, which led to being exhausted adults. One more time. A lot of us became strong children and then exhausted adults. Peace.