IDGAF: Stop Carrying What Was Never Yours

We spend too much energy carrying opinions, expectations, and judgments that were never ours to carry. In this episode, Dr. Ibn Sharif Shakoor explores the difference between healthy detachment and emotional shutdown and why peace often begins when you stop seeking validation from everyone around you.

Transcript

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This episode is inspired by a book I read a while ago, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I believe the author's name is Mark Manson. I don't have that, you know, the big orange book in front of me, but I hope I'm doing his name justice. Um one thing that I learned is like not giving a fuck is not always about being cold, selfish, or like disconnected. Sometimes it's about like becoming free, freeing yourself of like other people's opinions, um, narratives about you, perceptions of you, whether it's family, friends, whoever. Um, when I was younger, I was very thoughtful and reflective, like I always say, but um at times I feel like I cared too much about what people thought. I remember going through things in school where it was like, you know, someone would make a comment subtly about, you know, my mother's addiction or my father being in prison. And it wasn't like overt bullying where like, you know, people laughing at me, you know, and criticizing me. Because I feel like I was I was generally accepted by my peers. But there were always those moments where you can hear the whispers. And though they were whispers, they felt really, really loud. And, you know, there was a part of me that felt like I wanted to disassociate from that narrative because I felt like I was a good kid, you know. So just the idea of someone being able to talk about my family's personal issues, you know, it really shook me. And it made me want to go throughout life controlling the narrative and um, you know, just not wanting to be judged and just wanting to be judged based off of my own actions and not, you know, not things that um I didn't feel I was responsible for, which had a domino effect because I felt powerless. You know, so growing up, you know, as a young man, you know, sometimes you think like if you you explain yourself enough, if you achieve enough, or you become successful enough, people will understand you. But the reality is some will, some won't, many will, many won't. So, you know, over the years, you know, another ingredient that came into play was emotional exhaustion. So for me, after years of trying to prove myself, you know, defend myself, and manage other people's opinions, and this goes for like family too. You know, sometimes, you know, family, relatives, you know, um, all of that counts. You know, and eventually I just got tired. You know, some of it is depression over the years, and then a lot of it is just like soul tired. You know, you just get emotionally exhausted and having that realization that most of the time there's really nothing you can do that can change someone's perception about you. Nothing. Right? Like people are gonna draw their own conclusions based on whatever data data they have. So, you know, I was asking myself, like, how many years am I gonna spend explaining to myself or explaining to people who already who already have made up my up their minds? And I'm actually explaining to myself as well, like having all of this dialogue internally. And um, you know, a lot of times it wasn't me going out of my way to explain my explain myself, but you know, just maybe connecting to people, you know, overextending yourself or people pleasing, hoping that it's gonna change the narrative about you or what you think the narrative is around you, you know. Um, and you know, just having some wisdom over the years. You realize that people are gonna talk when you're struggling, when you're winning, when you're right, when you're wrong. People are going to talk. And it's always louder in your head than it actually is. The reality is you're a hot topic for a couple of minutes. You take the internet, for example, like something could go viral, and just like that is over. People got their own bills, their own lives, and you know, probably worried about judgment in their own minds. So, you know, that carries, that made it, you know, having the wisdom to understand that made it feel a lot lighter. And um, you know, people aren't thinking about you as nearly, nearly as much as you think. And I think the trauma response can, you know, distort that and have us thinking differently. And um, you know, at some point, you know, I just realized that everyone don't doesn't need to understand my story, you know, and being able to sit in that uncomfortable, um, powerless feeling that the narrative is not always gonna be controlled by you when it comes to other people's opinions. Just sitting in it. You know, it can be very, very uncomfortable when you know who you are, you know where you where you want to go and what your character is, but you know, certain mistakes that you have may have made or bad decisions, um, or things that you're just um you know, associated with by third party. You know, you know, you can you're not defined by that. Some people will know one chapter of your life, one mistake, one rumor, you know, one difficult season that you had, and that's all that that's all they'll ever know. But it's all good, you know. Um and just just learning the difference between people's opinions of you and your identity. You know, people's opinions can change. Your identity is is who you are, and and and the healthiest people focus on identity because opinions and people's perceptions of your reputation can change depending on who's telling the story. Um, you know, so you gotta start choosing peace over being right or feeling right. Everything don't deserve a response, man. It just doesn't. You know, silence is sometimes it's the it's the victory. Like I said, sitting in that uncomfortable feeling of just like, damn, like, you know, like I wanna, I wanna know, don't misunderstand me. Right? That's one of the hardest things, you know what I'm saying? But, you know, for me to be in positions where I was forced to sit in that, man, as painful as it was, sometimes it's probably one of the most beautiful things that I've gone through because you know, as I mature more and more, I just feel just so much more comfortable with with myself. And though generally I've always been comfortable with myself, like many of us, it's it's a yin and a yang where it's like a tug of war when we're triggered. When we're triggered, that's when you that's when you really know when you, you know, how how far you are along with with passing the task, you know? And um, you know, just understanding also the difference between like the unhealthy detachment and the healthy detachment. The unhealthy detachment might say some shit like, I don't need anybody, right? Like walking around like I don't fuck everybody, I don't need anybody. But the healthy detachment says, I don't need everybody, right? I, you know, I need who I need in terms of the people that I rock with, the people that, you know, it's reciprocated. So we focus on those and not everybody. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, just caring about your values, your purpose, your family, and um, not controlling every narrative or chasing approval or or just carrying the weight of every misunderstanding. So the goal ain't to stop caring altogether, the goal is to stop caring about the wrong things. The subtle art of not giving a fuck taught me a lot. So it's really the art of not giving a fuck about the wrong things. Because the things that you know are truly valuable to you and that you care about, you know, embracing those things is where freedom lies and where peace lies. So, you know, I'm just grateful to be at a point in my life where I don't give a fuck about the wrong things.