Helping The Parent, Helping The Child

Parenting a child with ADHD, ODD, or emotional regulation challenges can be exhausting, isolating, and deeply misunderstood. In this episode, Dr. Ibn Sharif Shakoor explores why supporting the parent is one of the most important ways to support the child. We discuss practical strategies, the emotional toll families carry, the importance of accountability without shame, and why taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s part of helping your child grow.

Transcript

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Peace. Welcome to season two, episode one. This is great timing for this podcast episode. I'm gonna be intentional about keeping myself regulated, even though I'm fresh, I'm fresh off a situation related related to the topic, which is you know it's just good timing for authenticity and just the rawness of it. But I'll be I'll stay objective. Um the topic today is the reality of parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, um, and different diagnoses, you know, ODD, uh some that go into young adulthood, borderline personality disorder, maybe some bipolar, um ADHD, which covers a lot of different symptoms for those who don't know. Um, so today isn't about blaming parents, children, um, you know, or blaming anyone really. It's about talking, talking honestly about what many families experience behind closed doors. As a therapist and as a parent, I've seen both sides. Um, and sometimes the hardest part is not the behavior, you know. Um, it just feels like no one understands what you're carrying. Um, the enemy is not the child either. You know, your child is not their diagnosis. Um, you know, ADHD, emotional regulation struggles, ODD, anxiety, and other challenges, you know, it doesn't erase the the entire being of the child, you know. Um and that's coming from someone who's been on the losing end of some of the the struggles of of raising a child with those challenges. Um, I've had police called on me, I've had numerous um diaphys cases, investigations, um, that have never led to me being, you know, in trouble or convicted of anything. But, you know, the struggle in itself is is a battle, you know, just can be draining. Um, but it's important to realize that accountability and compassion can exist at the same time. We can love our children deeply, but but also acknowledge that parenting, parenting them can be exhausting, man. It can be exhausting. Um, your child can be struggling, and you can be struggling. The child deserves support, but the parent deserves support too. So those, you know, you can hold space for both those truths, you know. Um, for me, the challenge has been, especially as a as a black parent, a black father, it's the judgment that we carry as parents. You know, people see five minutes, um, you know what I'm saying? We live 24 hours a day. You know, we're dealing with this day in and day out. So sometimes, you know, I've dealt with family members judging without understanding the full picture. Even professionals, they kind of like underestimate how complex these situations can be at home. You know, I've been intentional about um seeking out black female therapists. Um, and this is not a race thing, just to just to get the give the full picture of my intent. And they've turned around and called Dykus on me, you know, and I'm and and me, the therapist side of me understands that, you know, you're gonna report things that are that are reported to you. You know, I do understand that. Um, whether you believe them to be true or not, some things are mandated to report, you know. Um, and then the other side, I'm like, as a parent, like, you know, I'm volunteering to get, you know, to and and asking for help for my child. If I had something to hide, I'm not sure I would be so willing from from a logical standpoint, willing to let you into my life, my household, my personal business, you know, but you know, that's a complicated dynamic in itself. Um, and you know what we have to realize is that good parenting, it doesn't always produce immediate results. Like a lot of us, some things that we didn't understand when we were younger. Now we like, oh shit, I get it. I get it now. Um, I look back at the times my mom was using drugs, although I never really turned out that way. I looked back when I got about 30, she wasn't here um to reflect on the story with her. I said, oh shit, I get it. How hard it is, the stress, the trauma. You know what I'm saying? And um, so you know, you you have to just plant seeds, seeds. And sometimes you won't see, you won't see the seeds grow for years. You know, it's like invisible work, constantly redirecting them, planning ahead, trying to carry the burden of preventing arguments before they happen, monitoring school, monitoring appointments, talking to teachers. Um, and let's just be clear. All of these things are, you know, it's a part of parenting. Don't get me wrong, these are a part of parenting. We're not complaining about things that, you know, that we are obligated to do. I think where it gets, you know, where we have to add the context is that when you have children who may be in crisis a little bit more than we would like them to be, and that's an understatement. You know, it it can be draining, you know, it can feel lonely because no one understands. Um, and this is my this is my objective opinion on my own situation. You know, um, I've been painted as a picture as aggressive, not having compassion for my kid, um, just um arrogant. Meanwhile, I'm just like, I'm over here hurting. I'm doing everything in my power to try to help my kid and put the resources in place, planning ahead. I because I saw it so early, and you're left with just judgment and just blame. And you know, from one standpoint, you really can't expect people to understand uh how mental health works. Um, as a black parent, I've definit I definitely noticed the microaggression to where if it was a parent of a different race, the assumption is mental health. For me as a black parent, it's what did you do wrong? And um, you know, it it can be very it can be very exhausting, man, and very discouraging, and it it's hurtful, not just from what you have to deal with with your with your kid, but those in your community and in your family who, you know, your like your credibility is challenged when it comes to, you know, when it comes to trying to get your your child help. Um so, you know, what do I want to talk about next? Um, this is a very, very interesting, very interesting topic. Um, you know, sometimes you just wonder if you're doing enough. You know, I went through the stage of like feeling feeling guilty, even when you've given everything. You start going back to the drawing board, like, what else can I do? And as kids get older, you know, you know, that's where accountability comes in. It's like, you know, for all of us, regardless, you know, where wherever we are, whoever we are, we have to do our parts to meet and meet people, you know, kind of meet people halfway. You know, I do believe sometimes you have to meet people where they are, but they have to show up as well. Um, you know, but most people don't see this part of the game, they don't see this work. Um, because you know, parents ain't perfect, none of us are. They always say there's no manual, and we shouldn't pretend to be perfect. One thing I've always tried to be with my children is transparent. If there was anything that happened or that they were curious about, I always sat them down. And, you know, because kids typically understand when you explain it to them. They may not always be able to articulate things, but they they understand context for the most part, you know, and um you can have honest conversations with them and they respect that. One thing about kids, you can't fool them. You can't fool kids again, whether they can articulate it or not, you cannot fool them. And we all have moments that we wish we could take back as parents. I know, you know, one of my children used to, you know, piss me off. I mean, you talk about calling police, lying to, you know, to people about diaphys, all types of stuff. Well, I would go off, I would snap, I will use profanity, I would call her, I'll call names, like just because of the amount of pressure, you know what I'm saying, that you're under, and you know, just trying to maintain some sanity and protect the other children, you know, um, and also understanding accountability is a part of healthy parenting on both sides, you know, but there's a difference, but but accountability is different from accepting blame for everything, right? Sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes our children make choices. Sometimes it's mental health, trauma, personality, um, environmental, you know. Um, you know, but human behavior is rarely explained by one event or one person. Um, so you know, we can't oversimplify the story. And one mistake, even as parents, you know, typically doesn't explain every future behavior. Some situations are simple, some some are more complicated. So I don't want to generalize, but I'm speaking from a baseline of like, you know, a lot of parents who try their best, you know what I mean, and just trying to get, you know, children who have these struggles help. You know, we we you know, we know the difference between, you know, extreme circumstances and you know, pretty, pretty common ones, you know. Let's keep it moving, let's keep it moving. I hope, I hope people can relate to this. Um, you know, I'm past the guilt stage, you know. Um, I'm not sure I ever sat in it. You know, um, I've always been able to lay, you know, just rest my hat on the fact that I know I did absolutely everything. I was so far ahead of what I was seeing in my child that I put the resources in place very, very early. You know, and I just had the foresight to know that one day, when it was all said and done, whether it worked out in my favor when she was a young adult or it worked against me, I would have no regrets because I I put I put every ounce of my spirit, mind, and flesh into getting the resources. I tried to love her through it. I tried to discipline her through it. I tried everything, everything. And that's the part that can be frustrating because people don't understand it. You know? Um, you know, as parents, we gotta own our mistakes. Don't get me wrong. Um, but children have to gradually learn from theirs as well. You know, especially as they, you know, they get older. You know, there's a difference between being 18 and 8. You know what I'm saying? Um, and and and healing is is when everyone is willing to look in the mirror, not just one person. And um, you know, what what us parents in these situations actually need is less judgment, more listening, um, practical support, consistency, encouragement. I've probably spent more time defending my name than actually receiving support and a healthy listening, open mind and ear to maybe give me some support to even help my kid. Now, we gotta be real about it. Like, what are the expectations for people um who is a part of your support system? Who is who are just like, you know, passive um, you know, listeners who just take it for surface level, they get on with their lives. Like, you know, who whose opinion really matters to you, right? Because you cannot go around defending yourself from every accusation. You know, it's draining, it's draining, and it'll build up resentment, you know, from you toward your child and people around. You know, um, a lot of people they don't, you know, they don't they don't say how how are you doing, right? Instead they're asking about the kid, right? I was told on a few on a few occasions in so many words is that you know, you have to you pretty much have to continue to tolerate things until it gets better. And I'm not with that shit. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not with that shit. Um, love does not always look like doesn't look like flowers and roses. Sometimes love is allowing a person to experience the world their way so that they can learn, right? Because the the idea that we can carry burdens for people, children or adults, and that will change them. I mean, that's unrealistic. I see I see too many people who've tried to help their children die, stress, heart attacks, and just never actually uh they're just not the same again after those experiences. Um so um, you know, just not just keeping your confidence up, parents. Just, you know, not measuring yourself by your child's worst day, um, you know, believing rest is selfish, you know, um, you know, it's tough, man. It's tough. And I want to be clear that this is not about blaming the kid, but I just want to speak to those parents who just really, really are struggling with just being seen and heard and trying to work through this stuff. What one thing that helped me was I joined Facebook groups about with parents who were going through this, and it just felt so refreshing and validating that you know that it's not, you know, I already know it's not me, but it's like, man, like, you know, sharing stories of people just judging them and just like criticizing them. And man, as you see, I keep bringing that up, man. That shit, that shit, that shit really frustrated me. And one thing I realized is that if a person is gonna believe something about you without context or without speaking up, speaking to you about it, especially family, um, then hey, that's maybe that's what you thought about me all along. You know, maybe that leads into the narrative you had about me to begin, to begin to begin with. Because there's a lot of emotional manipulation with kids who are not ready in their process, in their journeys to be held accountable. Um, you know, um, yeah, man, this is a very interesting topic. Um, you know, I I remember one of my friends told another one of my friends that I was neglecting my daughter, and I was so frustrated by that. You know, I was so uh like I was so frustrated. They had never been, they hadn't been around my family in years. You know what I'm saying? And just, you know, just offering criticism. He didn't say it to me, you know, because that probably would have gone left, but you know, like we're carrying years of history before, you know what I'm saying, before you get this this glance at what you think my life is, man, it was it really it really taught me not to give a damn even more about what people think, because you have no control over it. So if you're parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, ADHD, ODD, similar struggles, you know, keep showing up, keep learning, keep taking care of yourself too. Um, your child needs a healthy adult more than a perfect one. And even in those statements, keep showing up that will not always look the same. Sometimes keep showing up is a call if they're not in your home anymore, a text message, um, letting them know when they're ready for to receive help, you're there. And and when I say that, I'm speaking from experience because my child is 18 now. It doesn't mean you stop being a parent, it just means that it's it looks a little different. They got they got a little bit more freedom, you know. You're not, you know, they don't technically, legally, you know what I'm saying, you're not, you're not in um, you're not, you're not in control of them anymore in the eyes of the law. They can do, they have certain freedoms. And obviously that's gonna be a different perspective when it comes to dealing with children when it gets like, you know, when it coming up from six years old, six through seventeen. It gets, you know, it it varies depending on the age. So we, you know, we should reflect on our parenting, you know what I'm saying? But we also shouldn't carry, shouldn't carry it to a point where we feel like, you know, I'm saying we have to accept and tolerate any and everything that comes our way. Um, and um, that was the light version, man. I didn't want to go off, but I've been through so much. Those that are close to me understand. I've been through so much parenting a child with those challenges, man. Like, there were times where police were damn near about to knock down my door, um, and I did nothing. I wasn't guilty of anything. You know, um, you know, oh man, like, you know, I'll save though, I'll save those incidents for, you know, going down a rabbit hole. You know, another day I can go down a rabbit hole, but just reflecting, man, my credibility has been challenged, uh, my character, and I sometimes I would shake my head like, damn, I thought these people knew me. You know, I thought I thought they knew what type of person I was. And and you just like, it's draining, man. It's draining. But part two, I will get into a little bit more of what my personal experiences were, some of the incidents. Um not to be not to be a chatty patty, but oh trust me, there are parents who can who can relate and they'll probably, you know, probably just not feel as alone as as as I did when I was growing through this because it was so unfamiliar to to me on my journey. So peace.