Episode 5 - ADHD Ketchup

What do tubas, the gay Spice Girls, and exhaust fans have in common? We don’t know, but in this episode, the L&L duo argue about who has "worser" ADHD.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We are getting it on the fucking theme. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 0:04

You're I No, no no no, because you are the one who typically can't keep a thought stringing together, but now all of a sudden you want to channel into your earth sign and keep a structured And if I bust out into song, now it's a problem.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

I don't believe that suddenly meeting me made you very ADHD. I feel like you've always been this way, and you haven't noticed it until you met a yapper. Like realizing there wasn't enough space for both of us to get out what we want to say. Okay. So I'm saying don't act like meeting me is what suddenly changed you, and I'm the only one who can't keep a thought straight. You're the same thing. No, but I'm just saying, whenever I do it, then you're like, bitch, get your life together.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

This is whatever. Focus. Like, oh, you're the one to talk. I haven't told you to focus today.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I told you that you're You told me to stop talking because we needed to be structured. I no, I reminded you that you're the one that wanted more structure on this podcast this time around. Whee. Yeah. Notice when you know when women women when women lose fights or are losing fights, they go rogue. They have no argument. So then they start saying or they start mocking you.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

What do you do when you lose a fight?

SPEAKER_00 1:12

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Nothing.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Yeah. When someone else has won. It's just what happened. You just bow out gracefully, is that what you're about to do? That's why your dad died. Like as soon as you start losing a fight, you don't have to go rogue into something that's irrelevant. That's not me. That's what my brother does.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah, he's what your grandmama did.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

I was gonna say, didn't we share that meme though?

SPEAKER_02 1:38

Real dead.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Dead as hell. Dead in her casket. Who's who got her shoe? What did he say? What shoe she got on now? Ugh. Alright. Hi guys! So on that subject. Happy Juneteenth. Happy Juneteenth. We're recording this on Juneteenth. It won't come out until a few days later, but.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

We have the day off today.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

We do. Um, so if you can't tell. Wait, hold on. Huh. This is Dark Moon Full Moon.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Dark Moon, Full Moon.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

I'm Lindsay.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

I'm Lauren. How's it going? Good. I wasn't talking to you.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

How's it going, audience? She's not talking to me, even though I'm the other host. What were you gonna say? I was gonna tell the folks at home, because there's so many of them, that um, you know, today's just kind of a chill day. There's not really anything to talk about. We just thought we would record something lighthearted and chatty. I mean, we've spent the last two hours doing nothing but chatting. Right. But it never ends. Like we never run out of stuff to talk about. I'm so shocked. No, I'm being for real. Tell explain to everyone what you mean when you say that. I just eventually you run out of things to talk about.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

And that's just never been the case with us, you know? We have done the longest road trip we've been on.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Would you say dinner? Denver. No, we've never been to dinner. Where did we go for snowmobiling? Um that was longer than driving to Maine? That was Salida. Why I still want to call it Salita. Well, we but we flew to Maine. Or no, we drew oh. I don't know. Our drive to Colorado might have been longer than the one to Maine. I can't remember. You think so? Either way.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

Either way, four or five hours. Yeah. I mean, not that that's a super long time, but like we have spent many, many, many, many hours together consecutively.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

And we just yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yep, yep, yep. I've never felt bored around you.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Like there's some common something we're watching or listening to or talking about or doing.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

I mean, sometimes it's not even that deep. Sometimes I'm just like, you know what's cool? Copper. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And then you'll be like, oh my god, do you know what I read in this really random obscure book when I was in third grade? And it said that uh this specific tribe used copper to do this, this, and this, and then you'll just have this most random knowledge.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

That's sweet how smart that analogy made me sound, because really my chime-ins are more like, speaking of copper, do you know why fish sometimes taste like pennies? It's just dumb shit. Now I want to know. Why do they? Oh no, it's not I don't literally mean that. I think I want to say if something if your fish tastes like metal, it's it's losing freshness. It's going bad.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

So but I'm just saying my my information is sometimes just as dumb as that. You make make it seem like all my input is from obscure books. It seems not.

SPEAKER_02 4:49

Do you want to know what I saw pop up in my like camera phone memories? Camera phone.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yep, that's a word. My camera phone. My camera phone. My camera phone showed me. I was watching my picture show. I was watching my program. Watching my program. What did your memories?

SPEAKER_02 5:06

My camera phone showed me. Um I don't remember if I was with you, but I took a picture of a children's book at uh Barnes and Noble. Yeah. And it was like Quantum Physics for Babies. For toddlers or something like that.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

And I thought about you.

SPEAKER_03 5:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Either the book could be for me or like if I had another baby.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

Yeah. But it just reminded me of, you know, when you were gonna like figure it out by next Tuesday. You know, I would kind of think I did. Yeah, I'm just joking. Is that why you tried? That's not the word. Is that why you time travel?

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yes. You know, after that episode where you talked about that, like my my unhinged Libra moments with my information and stuff. I feel like I thought of something else. And of course now I don't remember what that was. But if I think of it, I'll let you know. We are exuding a lot of tism on this six minutes that we've been here. Look, I've I've said before, I've never been formally diagnosed, so I'm not disrespectful, or I'm not attempting to be disrespectful when I refer to myself as having a touch of the tism. But so much of it makes sense, right? Dude, how how many times have I screenshotted you Instagram now? It'll be like, take your autism test. But the goddamn picture is like the letters are on a cookie cake or something. It'll be like, hey, bitch, we know. We know. We need you to know. You know how many times Instagram advertises autism tests to me? That's amazing. It is. I feel like I'll have to find it in the last one that they're like, hey buddy. That's kind of how it feels. Like, you know, when you're dealing with either a small toddler or a drunk person, it's like, hey, bud. Are we a little tired? Yeah, you ready to maybe eat something and go home? Do you want to take a nap? Yeah. But I don't know, just like I don't think I even knew how to voice my frustrations because we're kind of conditioned to think that this stuff is invalid or weird. Like, I'm kind of a curmudgeon sometimes. I'm a I'm grumpy. Thank you. I'm I'm grumpy. And it's just I'm easily overstimulated. All my life I have been, so I've I'm kind of easily irritated by sensory overload, basically. So like now you see memes all the time, they're like, I'm sorry I yelled at you, the music was too loud and my clothes felt weird. Like I've never felt something more than that. Sometimes I just don't feel something will be bothering me, like maybe something I'm wearing, or and that can just be like if you have some like clothes not made from good material, but that's not the case usually. Sometimes something will just be bothering me, or again, it can be too loud. Um, fluorescent lighting, fuck that. It can fuck right off.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

I do think that that stuff affects like yes, lighting, but not we just had this conversation at lunch. Like I hear everything. I can hear your AC right now. I can hear I don't know, it might still be part of your AC, but like, you know, we'll be somewhere where people are talking loud. I could still hear whatever background song is faintly playing on the like sound system. Yeah. To the point where it's hard to concentrate with what you're saying because I can I'm singing the song in my head. I bet my lips are just moving or you're like, hi, ho, the dairy.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Don't stop.

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Believe. And you're over here like, oh man, I've just had a really tough week at work, and I'm like, hold on to this, please.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

I'm doing my best to active listening. It's worse when you're high, I'll tell you that. It's so worse. No, but we did talk about it. Like, we've we've developed different ways of dealing with stuff. Like I said, you you're very I've learned to tune some things out. So again, for me, it's truly just loud noises. People being loud unnecessarily, uh, especially as I get older, music being too loud. I don't mean in the club or anything, I can usually get into the vibe, but remember that fucking time at that restaurant? Which one? With your with the guy had a tuba, and you were like, seriously the veggie tails? Yeah. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Story for another time. But that was so what the fuck get me out of here. It was a lot. It was a lot. So on purpose.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Just a little bit of a background. This was we live in a predominantly heavy Hispanic area.

SPEAKER_03 9:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

And this was like Tejano Club meats restaurant. It but it wasn't Tejano, it was like very Mexican. The people What's the difference? There's a big difference. Ask the Mexican. Tejano and Mexican? We talked about this in my last episode that we didn't know those specific words. Well, Tejano is just a Texas Hispanic person, and so you were the one who said this that we are like cosplay Mexicans to real Mexicans.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

So I'm saying this restaurant was owned by Mexican people. Do you remember nobody really spoke English? Fine. That's fine. But also the band like drove in from Mexico. They got out of a van with all their. I do remember the van. Yeah. Do you remember the van? So I'm I'm not dogging on them. I'm telling you, like, this was a it was it popped up out of nowhere and it's since been shut down.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

It has been shut down.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

You know what? Because I fucking put a curse on that bitch.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

Oh yeah, because talking about the menu. They advertised as everything's four dollars. Everything. The food, the drinks, the shots. I don't know. Everything's four dollars. Bitch, no, it wasn't. No. The tab came and it was over $200.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yeah. All of us were like, what the fuck? You were people. And but that's okay, so aside from this, it's it wasn't, what would you call it? It was it was just I guess just like banda music. But these banda, which just means band.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Banda, banda, don't you want to?

SPEAKER_00 10:53

That's not that song of ADHD. All right. Anyway, but one of the members, it was very people who are Hispanic are gonna know exactly what I'm talking about. The tuba was ridiculous, and it had dollar bills stuck to the inside of it. And just they're walking around. You're sitting there talking to your friend, like ha, and they're just standing behind you, like boom, hold on. Let's roleplay real quick.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

So pretend like you're talking to a friend, like okay, something traumatic just happened. Okay. Okay, go. All right.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

So then the last I heard, my cousin was just lit. And then my aunt died, and I don't even know how to get a hold of my cousin because she's on drugs on the street. Keep going, cuz you can get leather. No, no, no. We have to finish what we're talking about. Why am I keeping us on track right now? Basically, so aside from this band, bro, part of their gimmick were these hot waitresses in um, you know, revealing outfits and stuff, carrying shots around, fine, but on top of that, they had whistles in their mouths. Oh yeah, the waitresses do. So the music is the loud louder than it would be in a club. And these chicks are walking around with trays of shots with that with like LED lights flashing, and then they're like beep, beep, beep. It's like two o'clock in the afternoon. Terry Cruz on white chicken. That's a big ass robot. Yeah. Beep, beep, yeah. And like where we thought a fire alarm was going off. Do you remember that? That's how it sounded like just and we're like, what the fuck? Do we evacuate? And no, it's just these bitches with somebody ordered patron. Yes. Um, what was the point of this car? Oh, that was sensory overload audio for me. However, I told the story about the time we had to get a hotel and you couldn't ignore the loud air conditioning unit.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

And yeah, we were just it's certain frequencies that really like at work when what?

SPEAKER_00 12:53

That whole story is dumb. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

At work when the like landscape people come and they use a weed eater outside, and so I'm just like, hi, yes, you know, I'm on the phone, I'm trying to get reached somebody at State Farm. I need to make a claim, and it's just like and then so then I purposefully I'm like, I am not gonna make any calls while they're outside, and I swear, even during the winter, I'm like, what are you weed eating? The rocks, like they're just trying to get a check, you know. Yeah, uh, it's so frustrating. So then I put in my airpods, which my right one won't noise col noise collect, noise cancel anymore, which just makes it worse. And I just, yes, I hate it. So the weed eater, uh, me and my mom are both like this. If you want to see me get mad, like truly mad, go turn on the exhaust fan above the stove or in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Yeah, you talked about that before.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

Oh my god. I actually is there a way to measure frequency? Like what hurts is coming out of this.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

That would be interesting, because like you could we both could hear them. It wasn't like a superpower thing, but when we were just at the restaurant, you could hear the lights above the Was it the light?

SPEAKER_02 14:10

I thought it was like a speaker had maybe gone out.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

No, that sounded like lights, like but the buzzing of lights to me. Okay. But we were out on an outdoor patio.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

What do you remember when you could hear old TVs?

SPEAKER_00 14:21

Like the static. I used to think I had a superpower. Speaking of that, I used to be like, did you not like I know when a TV's on and I can't see it. I was very like, sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see. I was a kid and I thought, I thought it was like just me, Lindsay, who could hear televisions. Do you know that was a part?

SPEAKER_02 14:39

I used to try to convince people that I could see through my hand because I would do like this, and I'm like, still, I see you. Not realizing this eye's sticking out. Like when you were a kid? Like when you do this, you can see through half your hand. Yeah, yeah. Right? Like, I see the silhouette over here.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

But I thought I was really fooling people.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

I'm like, As a kid?

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Yes. I'd be like, watch, I bet you I'm gonna cover my eyes, and I'm gonna still hold up a finger. Hold up some fingers, I'm gonna tell you how many there are.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

And my whole ass other eye is like, have you ever seen that meme that's like little kids be like, watch me, watch me, and then do some little kick. Wasted my time.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

And then it's me. Wasted my time. I really did. I thought I was like something special, but I just had a lazy eye. Oh god.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

What no, it's just funny. So to circle back, uh you know, we we grew we were children of the of the 90s, and um mental health wasn't taken as seriously as now, and I I understand there are people um out there who are of the belief that now things are overused, like everybody's autistic, everybody's ADHD, everybody this, everybody that. The thing is that's true. It just wasn't a thing anyone talked about back then. But anyway, I you you couldn't explain, I couldn't explain when I was a kid why certain things were so uncomfortable for me. And now it's gotten to the point where as an adult, at my the job I currently work at right now, which I'm just gonna say, I worked for I work for a university, but it shall remain nameless until I no longer work there on this podcast. But anyway, I was trying to be funny, but because I was in an academic setting, when my bosses wouldn't listen to me about me wanting the lights off, I wrote a paper about the harmful effects of fluorescent lighting and gave it to the dean.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

He's like, Jesus Christ. I will turn the lights off if I don't have to read this shit.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Yeah, he's so tired of me, I'm sure. Or he was back then. I don't deal with him as much anymore.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

That's funny. I agree with you. Can I tell you a funny story? That's why I have this pulled up. Yeah. Hold on, I get a good drink from my copper water bottle. Tell us of the benefits of copper.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

Um it's unfortunate that you use that example for me to be smart because I actually don't remember other than I know it's it's a great conductor of energy, but I don't know how that helps you with your water other than unless you blessed it with some intention.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

Well, water's rechargeable.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

And I don't know. I'm not gonna go through this whole thing. Okay. We'll talk about it later when I pretend like I know what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Copper jewelry is great though, just so you people know, because it's a great conductor, so it's great for anklets and things around your feet if you want to go stand in the grass. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

I mean, I bought this because it said that copper has copper in the body, blah blah blah. Does it anyway it can like help with thyroid issues, nice, yeah, and that's why I was like, well, it's cute, and now it's a medical expense. So I'm gonna add to court and I'm gonna write it up with my Texas leader.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

What'd you say? Positive vibes only, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

High vibe tribe, you know. Um speak like talking about in the 90s, nobody took took mental illness seriously, but like there were only certain things that people took seriously. Like it had to be crazy medical diagnosis, right? And I will never forget. Am I bothering you by touching you with my foot?

SPEAKER_00 18:07

No, I keep realizing that I'm not facing the microphone, so I'm adjusting myself.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

Okay. Um, once upon a time, I was a big fan of a little indie, not very well-known girl group called the Spice Girls. And my favorite happened to be um Ginger. Ginger Spice. Yeah. And she parted ways from the Spice Girls, supposedly, over her romantic love with Scary Spice, which as it's also not talked about back then. In my mid-30s, now I'm just like, what? I want to know all the fucking tea.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Like, you're the one who had to tell me about that. I didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Anyway, so old Ginger Spice, Jerry, comes out with her very first solo album, and I get it. Okay. Okay. And this solo album is called Schizophonic, not phrenic, phonic, because it's a dual-sided album. One of them's one side's very pop, and the other side's like kind of very jazz. Anyway, my Mexican grandmother, you will remember her, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:15

I do remember her, yes.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

Who is a retired nurse, was very, very upset that I had this album called Schizophonic. Again, not schizophrenic, yeah. Schizophonic, and proceeds to give me a lecture about how schizophrenia is not funny and how I should people like that are scary, and you know, all these things, and how I just it's not a good idea for me to I don't know. That's where my brain led me. Yeah, was of that album.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

But but for but you're not wrong. Like, that's a funny story. I've only met your grandma the one time, but I I want to talk about something your brother said, but I don't think I should about your grandma.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

We might can cut it if we don't want to.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

No, it's fine. Um, but anyway, yeah, back then it was just mental illness was only thought of things like schizophrenia, um, maybe even a little bipolar disorder in the early aughts, um, stuff like that. But it even ADD was a subject, but I'll I'll tell a story. I'm not even I'm not digging on my mom. This is just this is a true story. My entire life, uh, when I started learning about AD ADHD, I would tell my mom, I I think I I might have that. Because she would get so irritated with me that I could really excel in some subjects and not others, or that I would come home after school and put on Nickelodeon and watch what was it like slime time and shit like that, and couldn't get my homework done.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

But that was also I'm sorry, why is that indicative of a mental illness?

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Hold on.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Um, so that's another thing. Back then they used to give us hella homework. Like there was hardly a day you didn't have homework. So I was happy that once my daughter was in school, they at least started trying to resp like a little bit respect the idea that school is for school and home is for home. But back then, there was almost there was never a day I didn't have homework. And that was really depressing to me as a kid. I felt like I never had enough time to myself. But anyway, um my mom would get really irritated with me and I would tell her, Mom, there's times like I could still be in a an empty room with no nothing happening, and I will find a crack in the wall to stare at versus what I'm supposed to be doing. And she just kind of she just didn't think that was a real thing. And that was her biggest excuse, like not excuse, but her reasoning was you get such good grades in these subjects and these and these other ones that you don't like, you get worse grades. I'm like, that's kind of the definition of it. I have trouble focusing no matter what I'm doing, but I'm only able to really achieve anything in something that's interesting. So for these things that aren't interesting, I don't know how to make myself pay attention to them. Anyway, that's the End of my speech. It just none of this stuff was taken seriously. But now so much of it makes sense. Like it's still just a form of neurodivergence.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

And I don't know. It would have been nice to know that I wasn't a weirdo and that I could talk about myself. Basically, yes. I feel like you've been trying to say something through my long story.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

No. Oh, okay. I thought you were gonna tell a story about my grandma.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Oh, I thought you didn't want to I was just saying your your grandma said something kind of tasteless when we were visiting another family member in the hospital that time. And Alex sent you this meme. It was like grandma's being racist again.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Sometimes she does the funniest things, though. I've sent it to you. I would love to say it's like an accidental selfie, but you can tell that shit's on purpose. Like she's posing the phone and taking a selfie and she'll post it, and like obviously she doesn't know how to work stories. And so she's posting these Facebook stories, and it's like suggesting songs to put over her picture. So it's like a picture of this older, elderly Hispanic woman, and it's like young jeezy.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Like that's what I was gonna. I'm picturing like my neck, mystery grandma.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

And it's just like the album's like covering her face, it's in the center of the picture. And then what's so funny is like, is she gonna post it once? No, she's posting it twice in a row, like not seconds after each other, like four hours later, where she's like, no, I don't think you fucking saw, bitch. Look at how good I look.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

I do remember you showing me that she'll post the same selfie like like more than once. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

She's like, you didn't say anything the first time.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Yeah, I didn't get I don't want to say it's like an attention thing, but it feels like that. Like, I don't think you noticed my hair today.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

It's it was so good you had to see it twice. Same picture, but yeah. Yeah. Oh, what a rant. I mean, wicked flavors of Tism, right? So like again, something that you said earlier was like, you don't think that I acted this way before I was talking to you before I met you. Yeah. And I think like I don't know. I think maybe it's just more noticeable now because like you're the gold standard for ADHD, you know, for like squirrel, you know. And so when I noticed that so much in you, then I started recognizing it in myself, and now I'm just like hyper aware every time that my mind shifts, yeah. Which is a lot.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

I'm not I'm not even trying to poke fun at you when I just say that I think it's also been reflected at me a little bit more. Like I've probably been closer to people in the past who are not yappers as much as me. So not to say I was used to the spotlight in the sense that it sounds, but sort of. I'm used to being able to get all my thoughts out. And it turns out I bet you people in the past weren't really listening to me because they're just like, yeah, you you s you talk all the time. You are a yapper. But with you, we have to like pause and listen to each other and then remember what we were gonna say so we don't lose the thoughts, but you I've been on the phone with you, and I'm also I'm sometimes talking about something really serious, and you're just like, Oh, the sheriff got somebody. Wow. Like you're driving, and you will you're already a gasper about anything. I I only gasp when I'm shocked. For sure. I'm not that was a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes you'll just oh look at the little squirrel. Like you've kind of literally seen an animal out or something and just interrupted what I was saying because you're seeing something in traffic. And I'm like, I just I'm waiting for you to like never gonna share joy with you ever again. Okay, see, I can't. I'm just saying it it I I this is why I bet that you've always been this way, but it's noticeable with me because we're both trying to get so much out. I'm squinting at you so hard. You are. This is I wanted to do a video podcast, but it would be a lot.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

When go cry about it.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

When women are losing fights.

SPEAKER_02 26:09

No, but like you know, I talked about the exhaust fan. Yeah, and I'll tell you my most my biggest op in my house right now is my air fryer. Your biggest op. To the point where I I try to remember to keep it in the in the uh laundry room. Yeah. Like I can't, whatever frequency it's like when it's being used?

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Yes. Um how often is it used that you or just when you use it, you don't want it in the same room as you?

SPEAKER_02 26:40

It just makes me anxious. Yeah. So if it is going for a hot minute, you know, a good 20 minutes or so, I'm like, I'm being pissed off by that 20 minutes. Like it's just it just happens. Yeah. But like I said, I am curious to know what frequency these things are like pissing me off at. Yeah. You know, and what its correlation is.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

I think that's the difference. Like, I I'm skilled at tuning out frequencies, it's volumes that bother me. And you're kind of the maybe the opposite a little bit. You you can't unhear the frequency, it's just front and center once you hear it.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

I'm sorry if you have to cut that. Um I'm trying to think of what else really. Um You know what? I noticed your daughter did this pin clickers.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Ah. That she's she's fidgety. We were sitting, we went to her um orientation for college the other day. There's nothing to be nervous about. There's just a person up there talking, and she's just she's she's a leg bouncer. Oh, that too. At Aiden's graduation, she was bouncing her leg. Yeah, and it was on the bleachers and it was like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, and you were like, How you doing? Yeah, she's she's a little fidgety in that way. That she's I feel she's she's a pretty anxious person, so it's out of that anxiety. But yeah, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 28:01

Yeah, Landon clickers. My my youngest son will do that too.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Or tappers.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

No, he's a shaker, a leg shaker.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

No, I'm just saying even tappers can be annoying. Yes, people like kids I remember. Yeah, sometimes you'd be like trying to focus in school even the best I could. And some kids sitting there like a bitch. Or like when people, you know how the desks would be lined up in a row? When someone behind me was kicking my chair, yeah, I would get like mad angry.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

Anyway, quit.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

Shaking really drives me nuts. Like, you know, if my youngest sits next to me and he's shaking his leg, I'm like, okay, you have to go sit over there then. Yeah. Because I can't, I just can't. It makes me it's soothing you, it's making me anxious. Right. It's taking it's putting you into your parasympathetic nervous system and throwing me right into my sympathetic.

SPEAKER_00 28:50

Like you know, can we talk about if we can briefly? That's another thing too. There's I bet some people in the world think that you visually seeing someone shake is what is irritating you. Whereas we know and believe that you can pick up other people's energy. You're sharing a bubble with them when they're close to you. And same thing, like, I even if it's not anxious fidgets like that, I am also really sensitive to people who just panic for no fucking reason.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Um, this kind of goes back to some like work stuff, but I sometimes work with some people who are very glorified in what they do, and it'll be the smallest thing, and they act like it's just like we're nurses in the ER, and it's not that serious. And I'm like, stop, like you're you're making this so fucking miserable to work here because you're stressed about something really dumb right now.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

I'm just picturing again the songs in my head are playing. So you're talking about something really dumb, and all I hear is how to save a life. From Gray's Anatomy.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

Yeah. Like that's applicable, but any anyway, I just right, like you can we also sweat, like pheromone hormones, all that kind of stuff. So, like, just because you can't see energy or you can't see that we are projecting energy, we pick it up from each other all the time. And there are some people who have no self-awareness of like their space or their like whatever their movements well, and I think that's also why it's really important for babies to get sometimes a little bit of a break from their parents because the parents are sometimes in a constant state of stress.

SPEAKER_02 30:23

Yeah, and like let me just say, you know, if anybody's listening out there that has younger kids or maybe has had them before, and if if a moment of guilt pops into your head, please realize I'm not doing that because I know nothing is gonna help a stressed-out parent by being like, you know, your baby can feel your stress. Yeah, I used to hear that a lot. Yeah, no fucking shit, bro. Yeah, but what I'm saying is like sometimes it's good to let your babies go have a break from you so that they can feel a little bit more at ease, you know? Yeah. Um, you know, and vice versa. You know, when you're away from your baby for a while, you start to think, like, okay, I'm kind of calming down, I miss my baby, I love them, you know. I wish I hadn't gotten so frustrated or anxious when they were crying. You know what? It's I think it's important to have those moments.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

It definitely is. We all can when you share space with any other being, it just it happens. Happens with animals, everything.

SPEAKER_02 31:19

But your baby doesn't know that your boss is exactly getting aggravated at you I don't know, the printer toner.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

No, speaking of guilt, you don't know how guilty I felt when in my one of my psych classes in college I learned that your stress hormones can like can penetrate the placenta.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

So that was that was real fun knowing I was a stressed-out teenager pregnant in high school with the shittiest boyfriend of life. In my kid felt.

SPEAKER_02 31:46

Shout out if you're listening. Yeah, bitch.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

Hi, Rue. You owe me a lot of money. Have you heard that clip? The whole thing? It's that oh, you don't owe me a hundred thousand dollars anymore. With intro you now owe me 56 million. Like I've I've seen a lot of people like clip that song, or not that song, that sound clip, and it's like talking to my baby daddy.

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Oh yeah. Or yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Who owes child support.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

And it's also applicable in this state. Anyway, um, yeah, so I the how bad I felt for that I I didn't even know that I could try to attempt to ease some of that because it was affecting her.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

You know, that that sucks. And I can't do anything about it now. Like, even me talking about her anxiety earlier, what if some of that is translated, you know, or whatever, transitioned to her on a cellular level? It's very possible. Yeah, and that sucks.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

It's you but you can't do everything. Like, even the best parent that you can think of right now still had moments in their pregnancy where they were stressed about something. Yeah. You know, it's just normal. Like, there's so many uncertainty with your pregnancy. Up to a certain point when they're not kicking 24-7, you're like, is my baby still alive? Are they alive in there? You know, there's just this constant worry and fear, and you know, is childbirth gonna hurt? Is it like you can't avoid it? There's nobody. That's why monks can't become pregnant and have kids. That's not why, but I'm just saying, like, you know what I mean? It's just it's unavoidable, which is why healing later in life just essentially kind of becomes your responsibility. That's yeah, unfortunately, but fortunately, that's her job to then go and fix if she ever wants to, you know?

SPEAKER_00 33:41

Yeah, well that's when we've had many conversations of how not like she knows what I might have done or what could have done better while she was in the womb, but any mistakes I made is apparent because I was I grew up with her. And so I've I've had these conversations with her where I'm not trying to just wash my hands of it, but sometimes I'm like, I can't do anything about the past. Yeah. But I can talk to you now and in the future and just and try to be better about anything that I may have screwed up on. Like I would say most as a single mom, I was my worst trait, if you will, was that I sometimes just had a short temper. Yeah. And it's not like I went off, I never I wasn't just like hitting her, yelling at her, but I was I had a very short fuse, and you know, kids just want to ask all these questions, they want to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And some days you're just like, baby, I'm I need a minute, you know, or something. So anyway, I just told her, I was like, I can't do anything about that. You know, I'm paying for your therapy, I'm I'm I'm having these talks with you to where I'm also evaluating my own childhood and my own parents and maybe their parents a little bit, like trying to get a greater understanding of the lineage to heal. Yeah. That's kind of what you have to do.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:53

I, you know, I don't know. I'm sitting here thinking, some of my biggest wounds are ones that are just guilt, you know, where I I think of all the things that I feel guilty over, and I can let myself spiral really fast if I let myself, and I just try not to. Not in like a way of avoidance, but I know that I'm not doing anything positive by doing this. Yeah, you know, I can't avoid it if I wanted to. Yeah. The signs are all in my face, you know, but anyway. Um, how do we get on that? Talking about our kids.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

Well, being being around people and nervous ticks and how that affects us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

Yeah. So anyway, yeah, pin clicking, real annoying. Leg shaking. That's to say. Yeah. I think it's just even vibration after a while, which is really interesting. That yesterday I bought a vibration plate. Yeah. I was very um I wasn't gonna say under the weather. Emotionally under the weather? No, I was just in the clouds. Okay. I was having a good time. Okay. Not really. I was I was self-soothing after a day at work, after a week at work, after a month at work, kind of thing. Self-soothing to the point that I'm just mindlessly scrolling as I do. And I start thinking about all the things that I might have a little bit more time for coming up. And one of those things was, you know, I need I need to stretch and move my body more in the mornings. Um, kind of like I was doing at the restaurant, and you're making fun of me.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

I'm like, I wasn't making fun of you. I was looking down and out of the corner of my eye, it looked like you were sway dancing. That's all I said. Just stretching my lower back.

SPEAKER_02 36:39

Yeah. But I bought a vibration plate. Um, and I'm curious to see if it does anything. You know, it was on sale. Yeah, I could see that being cool. But I wonder how I'm gonna be. Yeah. Because I don't like that kind of stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Oh, but you have like a a massage gun, a neck massager, and after I mean that I mean that's it's not vibration necessarily.

SPEAKER_02 37:02

Neck massager doesn't vibrate.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

Is the massage gun vibrating?

SPEAKER_02 37:05

It does. And after a while, it does where I'm like, okay, I'm good. Like it kind of makes me itchy, but I think that's part of just moving that lymphatic system too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

Um I'm trying to think of what else drives me nuts. I don't uh ceiling fans. Like in a quiet, like you can't Can you sleep with the fan on? Yeah. As long as it's quiet though, right? But like if it's one of those fans that you can hearing repetitive noise.

SPEAKER_02 37:28

If there's like a tink dink, yeah. Tink. Nope.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 37:33

I just can't. It's auditory.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

You need the room to be completely dark to sleep.

SPEAKER_02 37:38

Oh, a hundred percent. I think most people I think the best sleep that people get are in situ or in conditions like that.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

That's very true. I was just like, I didn't realize how much it was. So for example, I have my um, what's it called? A wallflower, those from Bath and Body Works. I have mine in my room. So even in the dark at night, there's this little skeleton in a coffin that's lit up on the wall while I sleep.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

But it's might as well be the sun to me.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

Right, that's what I was gonna say. It's across the room, so it really doesn't affect my ability to sleep, and it's not blue light, it's just some little LED, whatever. Um but but I've gotten to wear that's why I have a sleep mask now, because if I want to sleep in on a weekend or a day off or something, eventually by in Texas, we get the sun for most of the fucking day. So it comes up early, it stays out late. Anyway, eventually the sun's gonna come streaming through at 7 a.m. and I'm trying to sleep.

SPEAKER_02 38:28

I will never forget the first time that I stayed the night here. Yeah, you needed me to and maybe it wasn't the very the first time I spent the night here was when I was a little drunk. Yeah, you had to stay here because you were like It was my brother's birthday.

SPEAKER_00 38:41

Was that the first time you stayed the whole night?

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Yeah. I had yes. There are stories from that night. Oh my god. I don't really remember all of them except for Maya.

SPEAKER_00 38:52

Well, that's what I was gonna say, but that was the point. I do remember, yeah, I've I have things like I had a wax warmer that you could see from inside the in the living room. I'm gonna paint the picture real quick. Okay. I'm gonna let her paint it.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

I'm looking at your bedroom right now. Yeah. Okay, and you have these barn doors that close because you converted a garage into your bedroom. Like it's a pretty big bedroom. And so you have these barn doors that slide close.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:18

And again, like you said, so you have a window on this side, it's north facing, and it did not have a covering at the time. Okay, so like moonlight, starlight, street signs, the church across the street with its very bright beacon.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

There's street lights all on that parking lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:37

That's just wide open to my eyeballs. You keep your barn doors open, and every lamp in here is on that you kept on 24-7 for the most part. Um, your AC, which you can't help, it's just the thing. And I'm just like, is this an escape room? I'm just kidding, but I just was like, oh my god, can I turn off the lights? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get up and you turn off one single lamp, and you're like, there you go.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

I think but I'm gonna say, I know what it, or I think I know what it was, because I used to have I love my little Himalayan salt lamp. It was in here, and so was this wax warmer I'm talking about, which is it's not it's the kind that emits light. There's some that shut in the light and just warm up the little plate, but this one was also kind of like a lamp, and then all the other things you're talking about. So yeah, I turn off the salt lamp, think only thinking about it because it's a literal lamp, not and you're like, good night. Okay, but I'm like, that's not enough. Whatever. Anyway, it was so funny that I I made myself with my dude's skills a custom window cover because this window's not a typical window. I can't put blinds on it, it's shaped like an octagon, and it's not that big. So there's nothing I could have really done that would have been aesthetically pleasing. So I cut a black like poster thing to fit it perfectly and block out the light, and then you never stayed the night again. That's not true. I know I'm joking. But you have it up even for yourself now. I do. Well, especially in the summer, because I'm trying to just keep as much this is these Texas summers are hot, and my AC unit is old, and so I try and keep this house as cool as it can where the AC isn't working maybe quite as hard. So, like in the winter, I will have all these blinds open during the day. I love all the natural light, but in the summer I tend to keep them shut at a certain time of day just to keep some of that light out.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Yeah. I just I think that I have just trained myself over the years to like sleep in better conditions, you know. And I don't actually, I do know what happened. You know, I have to sleep with sleep music now every night, every single night. Everywhere that I go, if I go out of town, I'm taking my little JBL speaker and I'm telling my little Spotify to turn on sleep the deep sleep playlist, and that's what I'm listening to all night. That started because my youngest son plays travel hockey and we would stay at a lot of hotels, and a lot of times he would have these like 7 a.m. games, and we'd have to be at the rink at like 6 a.m. Yeah, and so he's needing to sleep. Meanwhile, there's fucking bitches coming in and out of their rooms, and hotel rooms when they shut are allowed. It's like dun oh, cool, I just got water to wear, but it's really loud with these latches, right? They slam shut up. Oh my gosh, and then there's just like people talking drunk in the hallways and laughing and yelling at each other, and so he just wouldn't be able to sleep, and he would be really cranky about it and cranky in the morning, and so finally I just I had to bring something to kind of try to drown that out, and now I'm used to it. Landon's used to it. He doesn't play deep sleep, but he plays sleep music at night from his little phone. It's cute. Yeah. Um, but I was gonna say, you know, I sleep with my my uh curtains open now so that the sun can wake me up in the mornings. And I will say I like it a lot better. Like this morning, I was up at 6 45 on a day on a day off. And I felt like I woke up in a better mood that way than an alarm waking me up.

SPEAKER_00 43:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:21

You know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

I think I'm not opposed to waking up to natural sunlight, but me talking about needing my sleep mask, that was especially I haven't felt the need to use it lately, but when um my most recent dearly departed doggo was just in her older years needed to go out really often. RIP little homie. Yeah, my sweet girl. But she um she would wake me up through the night like a baby. Like I not she wouldn't wake me up like a baby, but I'm saying it was like having one, right? Right. It was like 2 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m. And it was like fuck, dude. So especially on a weekend, it's not like that changed. She doesn't know it's Saturday for me. So I would I would have to tend to her in the morning and let her out and feed her and whatever and then try and get some sleep. I really, towards the end there, when she was waking me up so much, I didn't sleep very well at all.

SPEAKER_02 44:11

Yeah. No, I mean, I would be too. I've just become such a princess about my sleep. Like it's just, it's really important for me. But they say that that's, you know, if you want to really help your nervous system regulate, you have to, there's so many different things that you can really help yourself with. Putting sunlight on your eyeballs. Like we are conditioned to wear sunglasses all the time. And having your eyes actually hit nope, having the sun actually hit your eyes is really important for your circadian rhythm. Moving your body every day, drinking plenty of water, eating actual foods that like provide you minerals and nourishment, vitamins, um, and getting really good sleep. You know? Yeah. And so I just, I don't know, I've turned myself into quite the princess. Where I feel like when I first met you, I could have been like, hey, can you come take a nap on this hospital chair? And you'd be like, Yeah. And now, I don't know, I feel like it's a little bit different for you now, but I feel like you get better quality sleep.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

I think it's a combination of two things that like part of it's just is aging. I just can't sleep the way I used to. As a kid, um, I mean I still do, but I grew up with a lot of cousins. Um, so lots of sleepovers, lots of sleeping on the floor. I've slept outside on porches, like trampolines. There were my one of my cousins would sometimes have a uh like a summer sleepover. He had a he had a has a July birthday, and I remember staying over at his house, and sometimes we would all sleep on the porch at night because we liked being outside in the summer underneath the sleep. Like a back porch uh front, but they lived out in the country.

SPEAKER_01 45:51

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

But it was a big concrete porch and I used to sleep on that. Not like bare, I mean we had blankets and shit, but what the fuck? Yeah I used to sleep on couches all the time, just just because I fell asleep there, or I would go through these weird phases when I was a kid. I had a bedroom with a bed, that was fine, but I sometimes would just sleep on the couch.

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:08

I don't know why I would do that. I would just the change of scenery or something.

SPEAKER_01 46:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:11

But anyway, when I was a kid, I also used to um just fall asleep with the TV on. It was almost something I needed, like I needed some noise because the dead silence or lack thereof, it was probably stuff I was learning to tune out. I didn't want to hear certain things, so I would fall asleep with some sensory something. There was light, there was sound, there was something going on. So then in adulthood, I I could still sleep that way, but I didn't realize that that wasn't good for me on the back end. So now I have gotten to where I'm usually falling asleep listening to something, like whether it's a video or music, but eventually it ends. And I I'm just eventually sleeping in silence and total darkness.

SPEAKER_02 46:51

I don't I I I don't think I can still do silent. Obviously, there are times that I do fall asleep, but I can't uh no. I can't do it. And I used to be, when I was a kid, I would fall asleep with the TV on and bringing back some religious trauma. Don't ask me why. Um I remember going to church, one of the kids' you know, youth group churches, and the pastor said, like, you want to know why you have to sleep with the TV on and with the radio on, and because you don't have peace in your life, is what the pastor said. And I'm like, in one hand, yes, but the way he was wording it was almost like in a guilt way.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

Yeah, that's what's not cool.

SPEAKER_02 47:31

He might have been right, but right, but I stopped at that point, like cold turkey, you know? I just didn't you know what I used to fall asleep watching all the time was Nick at Night. Oh yeah. That's what I was that's how I fell in love with I Live Lucy and Bewitch, Jefferson Taxi, and all in the family? No, not that. It was all I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 47:52

I just remember all the shows that Mary Teller Moore, Dick Van Dyke, uh The Brady Bunch. Sorry, that's another thing. It wasn't on Nick at Night, but when I was a very, very young kid, I was a fan of the Golden Girls. See? Golden Girls. Interrupting me with brilliance. I was a Golden Girls fan at the age of a kid. I I understood not understood, but the adult humor in that was so funny to me. And even though a bunch of old ladies living together wasn't exactly relatable, I loved that show. And it was usually on lifetime at this point in my life in the early 2000s. It was on at night. Yeah. At like from like 9 to 11, there were just a couple back-to-back golden girls episodes on Lifetime, and I would watch those at night and just fall asleep thinking that I wanted to be Sophia Patrillo when I grew up. Oh, well. You're getting there. I am. I'm same haircut. I'm just no dude. After cutting off and kind of getting the perm, I'm a curly poser for anyone who doesn't know. Some days I see how old ladies kind of get that bull thing going with their little I see it. I'm not too far from like my grandma's hairstyle before she died. You're someone's abuela. I am. I just don't dress like them, so I'm able to. Not yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:05

I'm gonna get you some little chanclas.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 49:08

Golden Girls was ahead of its time.

SPEAKER_00 49:10

It was, and you know. Oh, never mind. I really I'm about to go on a rant, but I just love that show to the point where I was talk- we were talking about Freaky Friday earlier for no reason at all. But the sequel? The guy, no, well, well, yes, we were talking about that. But in the first one, the guy who plays The Grandpa is also his name is Harold Gould, and he played Miles on The Golden Girls. He dates Rose throughout a couple of the seasons, and I don't know. I just I was probably one of the only the I was the only kid I knew that was watching Freaky Friday. Like, that's Miles. Oh what's cool? Because some of them had already passed by then. I think um Estelle Getty had died, who played Sophia, and so had um Beatrice Arthur, and I think it was just Rue McClanahan and Betty White that were still alive at the time. So to see him, I wasn't trying to beat, but I was like, Oh, he's still alive. Like he's playing somebody's grandpa on this show. That's funny. Yeah, I don't necessarily know who you're talking about, but that's okay. Yeah, that's why in our first episode of I crush you. I wish somebody would challenge me to some golden girls trivia.

SPEAKER_02 50:09

It would just be to find it on the boat because I went to trivia on the on my cruise ship. They had a different trivial nights, but well, they had different trivias on ours, and we went to me and Melissa. What did we go to? It wasn't like they had Harry Potter, they had Golden Girls, they had friends. And I don't remember, I can't remember what w what we went to, but it was kind of difficult. And I mean it was slightly cheesy, you know, it wasn't like a big ol' event, but I I do know that Golden Girls was one, but I guess if it just wasn't on yours or you just didn't notice it.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

I didn't know. I think it was just called Trivia Night. And something I will I I didn't talk about this um when I recapped my trip, but because I was with my daughter, even though she's 18, there were some things that I felt like I would have been more inclined to do had I just been with friends or something. Not that they were inappropriate, but I didn't think about like going there are there are clerbs on the on the ship, and I didn't want to go to the club with my daughter. That was weird. But one night she met some girls she wanted to hang out with, and so they went to the club on the ship. Fine. I'm just I'm not not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. I didn't there were some things I didn't want to do with her on the ship. Not that that's bad, but yeah, I didn't think like you want to go to trivia night. She would have been like, no, and I didn't want to go by myself, so there were some things I've I think I didn't do because of who I was with.

SPEAKER_02 51:36

Yeah, I kind of wanted you to go to some stuff by yourself, but I understand why you didn't. Yeah, I tried to make a couple friends and it didn't. Oh my god, those bitches.

SPEAKER_00 51:44

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_02 51:45

I know, they don't even know that they exist in my brain, but I just almost like okay, don't take this the wrong way. Almost like when you have like a little child or a dog that you take to like like a dog park, and none of the other dogs want to play with your dog, and you're like, you fuckers, like that's kind of how I felt. I'm your dog. Yeah, well, I felt protective for I wanted you to make friends.

SPEAKER_00 52:09

Friends. It well, I was gonna say, so I lately have have been struggling's not totally the word. I have friends. I've been struggling. I have friends. I know I often say things like oh many friends. That's and I'm just being dramatic. That's not true. I have friends, however, uh, given the town we live in, the size of it, and where we are, I just don't have a ton of gay friends. Um specifically lesbian. Yeah, I know a lot of the gay men through you.

SPEAKER_01 52:38

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 52:40

But yeah, I don't have lesbian friends who can maybe identify with, I don't know, relationship problems or lifestyle or interests or, you know, whatever. And there's a whole other story about me joining a dating app that could supposedly also function as a friend-finding app, which didn't work out either. Um, but on this ship, I I'm gonna say this because I realize it's a phenomena that people have posted about on TikTok, so this isn't just me, but apparently many of us lesbians, when we see each other, we're kind of happy. Like, look, there's lesbians.

SPEAKER_02 53:11

There's a code word.

SPEAKER_00 53:12

Yeah. Ours was iceberg.

SPEAKER_02 53:14

Iceberg. And why was it that?

SPEAKER_00 53:15

Because we were going iceberg, right ahead. Titanic, which is not something to make fun of, but that was it was our best. So we would be in public together and we'd be like iceberg, iceberg, iceberg, iceberg. But I've seen I did it today at the at the end. There's a lesbian out here, her the car boutique muscle pageants. Yeah. You're getting me off track. Okay, hold on. So, yes, I I don't have many lesbian friends, and on the ship, I there aren't many gay women. There was an LGBTQ night that was pathetic. Yeah. And that's its own story, but I it it was not I literally don't know how to describe it other than take the time to tell the story another time. But I see almost no gay bows. And finally, for these these several days in a row, I see a group of lesbians together and they seem so fun. They're they just about my age, pretty chill. Um they one of them especially looked at pretty outgoing. So I think, oh, she's my way in. Like I just but I'm very I must have some wounds, obviously, where I'm afraid to put myself out there. Even friendship, even in friendships. Um And also there is a thing in the lesbian community where you're kind of at risk of people thinking that you're secretly hitting on them, even though you can be like, I'm really just looking for friends. Right. I because who most human beings are motivated by love and sex and and whatever. So I think that's why people don't tend to believe you when you're like, No, I for real, just need some friends. Or in your 30s, it's not like you're in elementary school. People are probably like, why don't you have any friends? Like it might be a red flag. So all I'm saying is it's hard for me to put myself out there. So it's almost like I wait for a slightly more outgoing person to reach out to me. Um You need an adult to your adult. Yeah, I never describe myself as a real adult. That so what this long story is to wrap up and say that finally the day I decide I'm gonna try and like I'm I'm at the pool by myself on the ship, and a spot clears near them, and I'm like, hey, do you care do you guys care if I stick my feet in right here, or are your friends coming back? Because some people had gotten out that they were talking to, and they're like, No, go ahead. So I'm sitting there for a minute, but we're all just I'm silent, and the two friends that are left in the pool are talking to each other, and then they get out and they all leave. And I was like, Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 55:25

I know, and it was so sad because like I'm telling her, I'm like hyping her up all week. I'm like, you just gotta go talk to them. You gotta be like, hey, cool hat, you gotta say something, right? Just just go do it. You got this, oh, you've got this. And I get a text and she's like, Alright, I'm doing it. And I'm like, Yes, and I'm just waiting patiently, and then like within a couple minutes, she's like, and they got up and left. And I was like, no, I did. I was so sad. I was like, you know what? I'm calling carnival right now. Like, this is some bullshit. I just I just wanted that for you so bad because I know that you've really been kind of going through it on that end, you know.

SPEAKER_00 56:03

I don't know what it is, you know. I I think it's normal.

SPEAKER_02 56:06

Well, I mean, you're watching a show that's literally about a bunch of girl lesbian friends that can all relate to each other and are going through the same struggles.

SPEAKER_00 56:15

Okay, yes. But here's here's the funny thing is this has been kind of going on for months that re well really for years, if you think about it, but I again there just aren't as many, there's not a huge gay scene where we live. And and even aside from that, throughout American television and media, there's still just not it we have the largest gay representation we have ever had before, but it's still not dominant by and not that it needs to be dominant, but it's certainly not equal. Most love stories and movies and shows are being a lot more inclusive with like characters and stuff being gay, but they're still they're often side characters, they're you know, I mean, even people of color can speak to this. How there's very in many of the early 2000s movies when there'd be like maybe one black friend, or there would be And they're always killed first. Yes, in the horror movies. It's not funny. I'm just anyway, there's underrepresentation for marginalized peoples. And I belong to one of these groups, and I feel like this started months ago when I was watching the very if you've never seen the gay rendition of Anne Rice's interview with the vampire. I'm a huge fan, and the most recent season is out now, and I haven't started watching it yet. But it sort of started with that. I'm just watching gay goth vampire shit, and I'm like, yes. And even those two dudes, I don't care. I'm like, this is nice to see an alternative love story. Um, I'm tired of watching the notebook imagining Noah as a girl. I really am. I'm just kidding. Do you want a girl, Noah? Noah I've just seen lesbians say stuff like that. They're like, we like rom-coms, we like these movies too, but when are when is it ever a story? Again, people of color feel the same way. They're like, I never saw myself on television.

SPEAKER_01 57:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:52

Anyway, so it starts with that, and then I feel like then I I see that Dan Levy's coming out with a new show, and then to hype myself up for it, I rewatch Shits Creek, and then I I binge Dan Levy's show in an actual day. Yeah. And then from there I'm like, oh. And so then I finished Queer Eye. I had never finished the episodes before the this the series ended. I rewatched Queer. Like I was at that point for some reason just feeling very desperate for gay representation, and I don't have very many friends, so I'm trying to get these friends through books and and movies and stuff, and yeah, and so then eventually I get to where I'm re-watching the L-word, and I read Leisha Haley and Kate Minig's book. Shout out because I know you're listening. I don't know. I've been very starved for that. And ever since watching the L-word when I was younger, I thought, like, I want my L-word group of friends, and you don't have that around here.

SPEAKER_02 58:46

Yeah, well, I mean, people who are not, you know, straight cis people still will watch friends and think that that's what friendship looks like and that that's what they're missing, you know, and it's just slightly unrealistic.

SPEAKER_00 59:02

It is, and even it was kind of comforting to see Leisha and Kate both write about how the show was so impactful because yes, in bigger cities you have you probably have these bigger groups of gay friends, but even the L-word, especially during its time, was unrealistic for just a group of fabulous women in LA who are all happen to be gay and they're all friends with each other. That's still a kind of a friends setup, if you will. Um, but regardless, I think I'm missing this. I uh I read this in my chart. I have that I have a need to be a part of a group often, as which is funny as an introvert. But I I have a small tribe that I like to keep close and and sometimes things just change and you kind of grow apart from people and grow out of situations, and I guess I'm just finding myself feeling like I I want some friends who understand me a little bit in a different way than maybe others do.

SPEAKER_02 59:50

Yeah. Um I was trying to think of your Enneagram where you go in growth and it's eight, and so that doesn't really tell me a lot about like I do think that eights prioritize close friendships. Yeah. More than like quantitative. Oh, I I still yeah, I'm like that. But I wouldn't consider you so much as like almost like a seven where you're just like feeling so FOMO seeing other people hang out, even if you would rather be anywhere but there.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:17

I do get that a little bit, but you've described having that too, where you're like, maybe I don't want to go, but I want to be invited. Well, I have a seven wing for sure. Yeah, I I recognize that. Yeah, and I do I am, I think that's my thing too, is nothing's wrong with this, but I I do value quality over quantity in most things in life. And you know, some of my closer friends in the last couple of years have both had babies, so they're starting over as new moms, sort of, so we're not as relatable to each other as we once were. Right. And even then we were most close when all of us were single, and like I had two of us already had kids that were a little bit older, but old enough where they could stay with someone if we wanted to go out, or or even mine was a teenager and could stay alone. So we were just that's what happens, you know, and then one or all of us ends up in a relationship and we spend a little bit less time apart, and then two of them get pregnant, and I don't know. I'm just saying um things change over time, and I think I've been feeling a bit lonely because of that.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:15

Yeah, so we talked about this last time.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:18

Those transition periods are really hard. Yeah, cocooning is really hard. Yeah, it's and it's strange, like I'm I I really value my alone time, but but I'm I easily feel lonely.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:30

But I've been that way my whole life. My escapism was books, movies, and so lately I've I've kind I kind of feel like a child, like a lonely kid. Anyway. I get it. I wasn't trying to get all seriously.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:44

How did we get from a flavor of tism to this? This is hey, you know what, guys? Welcome to our conversations why we never run anything out to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:53

Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:54

Because it just flows from one subject to the other.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:58

Because but this is interesting stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:00

Maybe I'm biased because I'm here, but nobody has a better time listening to us than us.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:05

Right. But we have fans. I see, I can't, I don't know who they are, but I can see how many people download stuff, so like download episodes. Actually, you know what? Don't you dare try and crush my party.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:15

I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna make it better. Okay, hold on. If you are listening to this podcast, and you just said, hold on. If you are listening to this podcast and your name does not rhyme with schmadler, I want you to reach out to one of us and let us know, hey, I listen to the podcast because I'm buying you a coffee.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:37

Oh, why are you poor Zach? Doesn't get a court.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:41

He is he is the exclusion, like you know, the none for Gretchen Wiener's.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:48

No, but for real, I've I know I post it and people have liked, I said. Oh, I was about to be like a name rhymes with back paddler.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:58

And I said zmack schmaddler.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:04

It's like when people on TikTok don't want to get demonetized and like uh schmushmotion. Oh my god, focus. Okay, yeah, no, really, if you're if you've listened, just shoot me a message on Instagram. I feel like that's where any of you have heard about it. Like, I'm curious who's listening. I've sent it to friends, and I'm not saying y'all be fake. No, I'm just kidding. Some of them replied, like, oh, hell yeah. But I don't know if they're actually listened. They haven't said anything like, hey, enjoyed last week's episode. And I'm not saying I need the feedback, but I've got to do that. No, we do.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:35

Hey, we need validation. Like, very much so. Well, there's one of my friends, I'm gonna shout her out.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:40

Paige, if you're listening, there was even a time in these last couple of years that the podcast was was dead, the old one. She was like, Hey, are you ever gonna bring that back? I really enjoyed listening to it. And I'm like, I've had people tell me the next day and ask when more episodes might come out or if I'll ever do it again. And so it feels it's nice to hear. Because I this is work I enjoy. I just can't quit saying it. Like I have my issues with the workforce right now, but so many people of older generations think that us of the younger gens don't want to work. And I'm like, it's not that I don't want to work, it's a whole other thing, which I'll talk about in a different episode. But there are things I love to create and do that never feel like work, and this is one of them.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:23

I don't want to work. I don't want to work. Well, no, I actually to the point where I'm like who was it that fucking went and protested for women to have the right to work? Because I have words.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:36

Yeah. I just want to talk. I think those memes are funny, and I I don't disagree with what I get what you're saying. I think if I had the choice, of course not, but I think say I had lottery money, I would still be doing things, but they would not be okay. What? You're mmm, can I f I'm just gonna say this is I'm talking about me. I there are some things I enjoy doing that are work but never feel like work, and this is one of them. That's all I was saying.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:00

Am I your favorite coworker?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:03

Oh my god. I told you just earlier if I became a PI, I would bring you on my stakeout. No way. Somebody's nothing ass husband is cheating, and we're just in the car eating burgers. Like, you see that shit? Eating French fries, like, oh my god, that motherfucker. We would get caught so fast though. Uh-uh. I think women naturally, we know any girl listening right now knows that we're the best sleuthers. We'll find anything about it. We'd be far enough away that they wouldn't hear. We'd have binoculars and everything. Do you think I'd be like an angel? He did not just do that. I would be giving us a you're pretty dramatic, yeah. But what oh yeah. So if you've listened to this, just just send me a message. I'll give you a coffee. We still welcome your questions, your comments, concerns. Does that mean I'm buying your love? Maybe. Maybe. But no, we appreciate. I can all I get, I don't even ask for them, I just get emailed these stats like, congratulations, this many people downloaded your your episode or your podcast. I'm like, oh fuck, I haven't heard from even more than one person. Like, Zach, love you. You're the only fan I know of who's listening right now, but I apparently other people are, and I just don't know who they are.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:15

Well, maybe he learned something this episode. That he's not gonna get a coffee. He's not getting a coffee. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Listen.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:27

Fine, I'll buy you a coffee if you're gonna cry about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:31

Just kidding. But okay. I think we ADHD'd pretty good.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:36

Our microphones are rainbows, and aren't they crisp? I know. Ladies and gents, if you heard the first few episodes, aren't these microphones so much better? Crispy crack. I love these microphones. We even the other ones were not, they weren't cheap. They were supposed to be good quality and they just didn't sound like it.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:52

If you if you I can tell you right now, if you hear any background noise ever at all, it's just that my AC is kind of loud and the microphones pick up a little bit of it. But other than that, this is these sound, except for that.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:01

And that was a liquid death. Not sponsored.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

Can be. But please hit me up. I would love to work. That's another thing that wouldn't feel like work. Their marketing team, they just came out with a drink called They sent me a text that said who's drinking Kilbert grape? Also not sponsored, but I'm telling you, there I could work for their marketing team. It's so funny. They do find the funniest names for their stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:23

I like it quite a bit. I love liquid death. But anyway, alright. Well, I'm going on vacation next week, which is not I mean, yes, I'm getting out of town, but it's not like a super we've got hockey camp, we've got college tours going on next week. So we will not be recording in the middle of the week. I guess I'll see you whenever I get back. Okay. We're gonna go to a wedding. Yeah. It's gonna be colorful.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:47

You're not gonna wear black. You're not gonna wear very much black.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:53

It's a Saturday.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:54

It's gonna be a great time. We're gonna have fun. So, anyway, okay. Well, for Dark Moon, full moon, this is Lauren. I'm Lindsay. And we'll catch you later. Bye.