Why Are Adults So Afraid Of Making Mistakes?

When we were children, making mistakes was how we learned. So why does making mistakes feel so frightening as adults, especially when speaking English?

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In this episode of the Hey Lady! Confident English Podcast, Emma explores why so many women feel anxious about making mistakes in English conversations and how that fear can quietly stop us from connecting with other people.

Through Yuri’s story, you'll learn how fear affects your confidence, why your brain reacts so strongly in social situations, and how finding a safe, low-pressure environment can help you speak more freely and naturally.

If you already understand English but still hesitate, overthink or avoid conversations because you're afraid of making mistakes, this episode is for you.

💬 About Emma

Emma is the founder of Hey Lady! and creator of the YouTube channel mmmEnglish, trusted by more than 6 million English learners worldwide.

Hey Lady! is a global English-speaking community for women who want to build confidence through real conversations, connection and consistent practice.

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🙋‍♀️ Have a question or challenge you'd like Emma to talk about in a future episode?You can send a voice message or share your experience below.

Transcript

Why are adults so afraid of mistakes?

Speaker 0:00

When we were kids, making mistakes was our superpower. It's literally how we learned everything we know. I bet you definitely fell over in front of people. You probably put your shoes on the wrong feet. You definitely mispronounced words, and nobody cared. But more importantly, you didn't care. So why is it then that when we become adults, everything gets flipped upside down? And we do care. We really care. Hello to everyone joining me from all around the world today. A big warm welcome to all of you. My name is Emma. I'm the founder of Hey Lady, an online community that connects women through English. We bring together women around the world who have learned English as a second language to practice speaking in real conversations so that we can build the confidence to use English in the moments that really matter at work, while we're traveling, and in everyday life. If you've been learning English for a long time, but you're still struggling to speak confidently, you're in the right place. Join me and thousands of others around the world right here, every week, as we break down the barriers that stop you from speaking confidently. Today we're talking about something that affects everyone who's learning a second language. The fear of making mistakes.

Listener Question

Speaker 2:07

I received a message from Yuri. Yuri is Japanese and she lives in Cairns, Australia. And Yuri says, Emma, I just started a new job and feel very worried about talking to my colleagues. I'm afraid that I won't understand them, or that they won't understand me because I always make mistakes with my English. Every day I find it difficult to phase them. But I know I have to. Do you have any advice for me? Yuri, thank you so much for sharing this question and for being so open about this fear. I'm sure that there's lots of others out there listening right now, nodding along, because they felt exactly the same way. So let's talk about why we feel this way and what we can actually do about it.

From early childhood to our adult years

Speaker 3:12

My nephew's doing that right now. It's really hilarious. He stands up and he wobbles about for a few seconds and then he falls down on his bum. Does he look embarrassed? Does he look around to see if anyone's judging him? No, of course not. He just giggles, grabs the nearest chair, and pulls himself up again. He falls down twenty times a day, and never does it occur to him that he's actually failing. It's not working. It's not going perfectly. Now I want you to picture a grown woman, someone just like Yuri. Someone who's just started a new job in an English-speaking office, and her colleagues are kind, they're welcoming, they invite her to go out for lunch with them. They know that English isn't her first language, and they just want to get to know her. But in Yuri's mind, all they see and hear is her English. And she can't bear their judgment if she says something wrong or if they don't understand her. So what does Yuri do? She makes an excuse, she eats at her desk alone again. Her fear of making a mistake is blocking her from doing the exact thing that she wants to do most. Connect with people. So that transition between the fearless toddler and the woman who avoids lunch with her workmates is really worth thinking about. Where does that fear come from?

Where does our fear come from?

Speaker 5:07

For most of us, that fear started to emerge when we were at school because mistakes became these big red marks on paper. Those mistakes were the reason that the teacher pulled you in front of the class to correct you and humiliate you. It meant that someone scored better than you, and therefore you were not as good as them. And slowly but surely, you realized that these mistakes equaled judgment. And here's what makes it harder as an adult. You're used to being competent. You're used to having all of the answers. You're completely fluent in your native language. Maybe you're fluent in others too. You've spent years building your career, your relationships, your sense of who you are, your identity. So making a mistake in front of others feels like you're losing some of that credibility, that status that you've earned over time. And your brain actually treats that social risk like a physical threat. It triggers a stress response. And that's why you freeze. That's why Yuri skips lunch. That's why so many women wait until they have the perfect sentence in their head. And by the time they do, the conversation's already moved on. The moment's past. I've got this. And once you start to see your fear in this way as a protective mechanism, it doesn't make that fear disappear, but it does mean that you can stop letting that fear rule your decision making. You can choose to push it aside, to thank your brain and push it aside.

How research shows that fear makes your English worse

Speaker 7:40

Now there's a linguist called Stephen Crashen, and he discovered something that he called the effective filter. And I want you to think of it kind of like an invisible wall inside your mind. So when you feel anxious or you feel afraid of making a mistake, that wall, or that effective filter, that wall goes up. And when it's up, your brain really struggles to absorb new language or even to produce the language that you already know and to get it out. So Crashen identified three things that raise that wall: anxiety, self-confidence, and motivation. I don't want to go into too much detail about all of this, but there's a couple of things that are worth knowing. These three things, they're connected. When your anxiety goes up, your confidence goes down and your motivation follows. The whole thing feeds itself. That's why you can understand a word perfectly when you're at home reading, you're calm, you're relaxed. But then the moment that someone asks you a question in a meeting at work with other people there, that word disappears. That word hasn't gone anywhere. It's still in your head, but that wall went up. So in other words, the more afraid you are of making a mistake, the worse your English actually gets in that moment. We can all relate to this, right? That wall is blocking language from coming in and blocking words from coming out. It's actively working against you. But here's the good news: it works in reverse too. So if you lower the anxiety, then the confidence and the motivation start to recover again. And you become more willing to try something new. You become more willing to take risks and to be vulnerable.

How to change the way you think about making mistakes

Speaker 10:15

So, how can we do this? It is impossible to avoid everyone and everything until you're confident that you will never make a mistake. So the goal is to start shifting how you think about the ones that you do make or the mistakes that you will make. So, Yuri, if you're listening to this, I want to give you a little strategy that you can actually take away and use. The next time that you feel that wall going up, that you feel that fear and that anxiety going up, I want you to try this. I want you to think about your closest friend. Imagine that she's the one coming to you and she says, My colleagues keep inviting me to lunch, and I keep saying no. I really want to go, but what if I say something wrong or what if I look silly? What would you tell her in that moment? I'll tell you what you wouldn't say to her. You wouldn't say, don't do it. Wait until you've prepared more. Wait until you're perfect because they're not gonna like you until you're perfect. No way, you would never say that. You'd say, look, mate, you are funny, you're clever, you've lived a life with stories to share. You've got a job in English, you've got great colleagues. I know that it feels hard, but you can find the courage. I know you can do it. And so I want you to extend that same kindness to yourself, Yuri. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that it will be perfect. You are going to make mistakes. There's gonna be moments where you feel flustered. Some of those mistakes will actually bring you closer to your colleagues because they will have the chance to support you or to comfort you. And that's a really important way that humans bond together. So I want you to be kind to yourself. I want you to give yourself the chance to experience lunch with your colleagues. Even though it's new, even though there's risk, and that goes for you as well, my listeners. I really encourage you to do what Yuri is going to do. Pick one colleague, one conversation, one sentence, not a whole speech, not a perfect introduction, just one moment where you choose to show up instead of stepping back.

Why finding a low-pressure environment can support you

Speaker 13:10

Each time you do that, saying yes becomes a little bit easier. And if you can find a place, a low pressure environment, perhaps away from a work environment where there can be quite a lot of expectations from yourself and maybe from others around you. But if you find that low pressure environment, you can teach yourself how to reduce that anxiety in those moments that helps you to bring that wall down. This is exactly why spaces like Hey Lady exist, places where you have the opportunity to practice the things that make you feel nervous or uncomfortable. But practicing them in an environment where you don't feel judged, where you meet people who help you to feel safe and supported while you are trying new things. I really can't reiterate enough how important it is for women to have these spaces. This is where we blossom and we grow and we find ourselves and we build confidence. So if this sounds like the thing that you need, then come and see what it's like inside Hey Lady. There's a link that I've put down in the show notes in the description so that you can get started right away. You can get started today for free. But before I go, I want to hear from you. What is the biggest fear that you have about your English right now? Is it making mistakes or is it something else? Tell me down in the comments. Thank you for spending a little bit of time with me today. Remember to be kind to yourself. Remember that mistakes are how we all grow. I'll see you next time.