Ep. 011 | Parenting With Confidence: Quieting the Inner Critic and Trusting Yourself

Parenting is one of life’s most profound journeys—and one of its most challenging. In this transformative episode of SOS – Stories of Survivors, host Serina Dansker welcomes Michelle Robertson, a life coach with expertise in parenting, communication, and life transitions, for a candid and empowering conversation.

Together, they explore how parents can learn to silence the relentless inner critic and embrace a more confident, connected, and compassionate approach to raising children. From everyday struggles to deep emotional reflections, Michelle offers practical insights, mindset tools, and heartfelt encouragement for caregivers at every stage of the parenting path.

Whether you’re a new parent or a seasoned one, this episode is your reminder that trusting yourself is the greatest gift you can give your child—and yourself. Tune in for wisdom, support, and a fresh perspective that just might change the way you parent forever.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hi, and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm your host, Serena Dansker. And today I have an amazing guest, Michelle Robertson. She's a parenting coach, a speaker, a former PR powerhouse. She's traded her campaigns for connection. She now works with parents who feel overwhelmed, especially when raising their teens. She helps them quiet their inner critic, reconnect with their instincts, and shift from self-doubt to grounded confidence. If you've ever stared at your teenager and thought, is this normal? Then this is a conversation for you because you are definitely not alone. Michelle, welcome. And let's start with the big question. Why does parenting feel so hard today? Especially for those raising teens.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Oh, well, Serena, thank you so much for having me and what a beautiful introduction. Um, why does parenting feel so hard? Well, in short, because it is so hard. It's so hard. And one of the things I talk a lot to my clients about is just how different our upbringing was from our children's upbringing. Oh gosh, yeah. It's 180 degrees different. We had none of the of the quote-unquote tools that our kids have that are making their lives so difficult. We had no knowledge of what other people were doing most of the time. So the comparison was not in existence to the degree it is today. So that in and of itself makes it so hard. Um and it's hard for us to relate to our kids a lot of the time. And we try and we try and we try, but it just, I think it's really the comparison. Um, and the fact that our we as adults are also comparing ourselves to the beautiful pictures that we see on Instagram and Facebook and social media. And so that comparison leads to a lot of heartache.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

And um there, and I can go into um, I mean, there there was a Surgeon General warning last year, late last year, a surgeon general advisory about the effects of stress on parents. That is like an Surgeon General advisory about the effects of smoking on one's health. So parental stress is real. It is real, it is so real that the Surgeon General is warning about its effects.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

That's just insane. I mean, you know, I I think back to my own childhood, you know, and my mom, you know, would just let me, you know, I mean, as long as I was home by dinner, you know, or if I wasn't gonna be, I called in. I just, you know, did my own thing. I I never even turned to her a lot of times when I was struggling with friends and stuff like that because what would she know? Yeah.

unknown 3:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Right. You know, there was a lot less fear back then, it seems. We are all really afraid a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah. I what are some of the biggest challenges that you hear from parents in your sessions?

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Oh gosh, it runs the gamut. I mean, you know, just regarding fear, I feel I feel like that is sort of the undercurrent of everything. That is that is what drives so many issues, is that we parent from a place of fear. And that results in over-parenting and hovering. It results in um, you know, not doing a whole lot of listening to our kids. Um, it it and so as a result, we're talking at them and we're lecturing a lot versus trying really to relate to them and and listening and do and being really curious. And that, and and you know, by by constantly lecturing, you're you're sort of breeding um a separation because no one wants to be lectured to.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

No, no, you're right, you're right. That um, yeah, I I think the the whole fear factor is, I mean, we're so afraid of of making a mistake, you know, and and you know, there's that that leads to the whole um perfection thing, which I'll totally want to dive in with you later. But, you know, I know that you in your own career, I mean, you've you've made a pretty big shift from a career in PR to coaching parents. And I'm just curious, what drew you to this path? You know, uh what what inspired you?

SPEAKER_00 5:28

What's your spark? My spark was my own experience in parenting.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

And how how hard it it was and how um rewarding it is now, but in the thick of it, my my kids are the very best thing in my life. Um, but raising them, I often felt really ill-equipped. I really, you know, I often my my kids who are literally like two of my very best friends today, thank God. Um, you know, when they're they're 17 and 20 now, but when they were little, both of them um were diagnosed with ADHD. Um, my daughter was um has dyslexia and dysgraphia and another of other um learning differences. And um it resulted in in school being really hard for them. And as a result, life kind of was hard when they're when the you know you go to school all day and it's hard to come home, and the safe person to take your frustration out on is mom. Right um, and um I don't think I didn't get the memo about that. And so I had to really like sharpen my skills um regarding responding versus reacting, yeah, patience, um, empathy, and really understanding that my kids were struggling and they weren't like while it was being taken out on me in some cases, it wasn't about me at all. Right, it was about what they were going through, and so shifting that mindset took some time, but um I think it's hard for, and I think that's sort of like a very universal feeling with a lot of parents, regardless of of your child's profile, is you know, we take things personally and we think that it should be Pollyanna and leave it to Beaver, and it's it's often just not, especially in today's um time that we live in. And um, and so in experiencing my own hardship um through parenting, I wanted to somehow channel that in a way to help other people. And so um I shifted my career when my father got sick. Um, a while, you know, gosh, it's been like almost 10 years now.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Um, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And I it kind of that was my epiphany that I wanted to a be there for him in the remaining months that he had left. And then I wanted to be able to be more present with my kids because I was running a PR business and it was it was all-encompassing.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

And um, and so I um I shifted and slowly decided, you know, so slowly learned that my my laser focus on my kids wasn't really helping them. Like it was a little bit too much. I had taken everything I was doing with my business that I was running to parenting. And so it was a slow process of kind of figuring out, you know, okay, let's learn how to do this better. And then I wanted something fulfilling for in life to do, and I found coaching and it's been great. And I and I coach people across the board. I coach a lot of parents, but I coach people who are um who are you know not parents or not struggling with parenthood. Um, so it's been really I I it's it's an extremely rewarding career. It's um it's a lot, it's very fulfilling, and just being able to help people is is awesome.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

That's so amazing. And you are such a bright light that shines and you have so much to offer. So I'm I'm so happy that you found this career because it it suits you so well. Thank you, Serena.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

That's so nice of you to say.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Um, I I figure we'll take a little fun, uh, fun question here. What's what's one thing that you never imagined yourself saying as a parent, but you totally do.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Oh god. Okay, so I could go really inappropriate. I don't know if I should do that though.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Have fun, just have fun.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Um, I'm not gonna go there. Uh but one thing that I that I think that I learned to say, okay, and it's resonating right now because this just happened. My son is in college and he's been having a really great semester. Awesome. After not some some not so great semesters. Um and he he he entered college. So just as a little backstory, he entered college um right after breaking his neck. Oh my gosh. And um he, as his neurosurgeon said, he was a sneeze away from being a quadriplegic or dying. Oh my god. I don't know if I ever told you that, Serena. Um, and so this kid who is oh my gosh, I mean, he has such fortitude and bravery and perseverance. Wow. Picked his picked himself up, had neurosurgery, had his spinal cord um fixed in short, and went to college the next week. The next week? Oh my goodness. This is my first kid to go to college. So um, and I literally was, and it doesn't really matter what my reaction was, but you can imagine I was like, oh my god, I don't think I can let this kid go. Um and so anyway, um he got going, and no one we didn't know this, but we were like, okay, well, he wants to go, let's let him go to college. So we went to college, and it was hard, really, really hard for him. And um mostly because this kid was traumatized.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

I mean, he had had a near-death experience, and um and he hadn't dealt with that trauma. Yeah, so fast forward, he is a second semester or the last semester sophomore, and he has picked it up. I mean, he is like transformed, he has figured it out, and I'm beautiful, so proud of him. Yeah, he set his expectations for himself so high, and he um I mean he just sort of like told himself he was gonna get straight A's, and then when that didn't happen, was so self-flagellating. Like he was so he got a bad grade on a test and he called us and he's like, I'm I'm done. And this is what he does. He he um catastrophizes and as many of us do.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Oh, yes, yes, it's it's terrible, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

And but he ended up with a B in the class, right? But I said to him, and this is not something I would never have said when I was just learning how to be a parent, it doesn't matter, yeah, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter at all. Like, A, you're alive, like that's my biggest like take amen.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Amen to that.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

And B, like it's one test. This is a blip in your whole life.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Um, who cares?

SPEAKER_01 13:16

That's you know, that's such a great point, Michelle. And you know, being on this journey that I'm on too, I've I'm I can totally relate to what you're saying. For some reason, the younger people today they put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect, to be the absolute best. And when they don't get that A, that 95 or above, they're so disappointed in themselves and and feel like they're disappointing us and everyone else around them, and that there's no coming back from this. Oh no. And it's like give yourself grace, please. You're not perfect, you know, by any means. None of us are. It's a journey, right? And a B is good.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

A C is good. I mean, like, you know, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't, and so I have parents who I coach who have middle schoolers, and to them, they see the path ahead. They see, oh, he didn't do his homework today. That means, and that's where the catastrophic starts. He didn't do his homework. Um, that means he he's not gonna get into the next level of math in high school, and that means he won't be as eligible for these top schools, and that means that he won't have a career in blah, blah, blah. You know, we parents can uh may I I probably probably back in middle school set the stage for his thinking.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

You know, I mean, I don't even realize that, you know. What you're saying, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

It's yeah, so so I think we have to be really on guard, starting at an early age, wow, about the pressure that we're putting on these guys because we it really truly doesn't matter. And I don't know that you can really know that until you have older kids. I really don't think that the stakes are as obvious. And maybe it's because of what we've seen, what we've endured. Maybe I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I know that when I would my kids were in middle school, I was very much of a um a person who looked ahead and tried to like solve for you know getting into that school. Who cares? Yeah, exactly. It doesn't matter, they will get into college. That's what I tell everyone. They will get into college that they will get into the school that's right for them. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

And um their mental health is the very top priority, you know, and it it brings me to my next question because so many parents feel like they're failing if their kid doesn't get into an Ivy League or into the best possible school. And you know, even when they're giving it their all, but where where is this pressure coming from? I mean, can can you talk about that a little bit?

SPEAKER_00 16:21

I don't know, Serena. I I I think it's really interesting that we parents take our kids' performance as a referendum on how we parent. And I think it's really important to know to to know and accept the fact that our kids are individuals, yeah, they are of their own nature, probably more than they are of who we nurture, you know, and they we we take so much responsibility on ourselves for who they become. And at the end of the day, they are who they are, and I think if we can just accept that at an earlier age and be okay with who they are, um they are gonna be more okay with who they are. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. If they aren't the cookie cutter of whoever the excellent kid is in your town, that's okay. That's okay. They are an excellent version of themselves, they're they're their own unique being, and um we are so we are so influenced by social media, other people, you know. And if we can and this is back to the social media thing and the stress that we're all under. Yes, we can put blinders onto that and just accept who these little people are for who they are. Um, everyone will be happier.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

I I agree with that. I mean, it's so easy to, you know, compare yourself to the Joneses or T and you know, oh well, little Johnny, you know, is in the advanced math, but my little Sally, you know, is just scraping by and needs help, you know. And as a parent, you're constantly, you know, criticizing or feel like you've, you know, you have that inner critic in there. And and I mean, it does show up in your parenting too. I mean, it must, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Yeah. I mean, we all, especially where we live in a very hard-driving area of the country. And I think there are a lot of these areas, but we happen to live in one of the the most hard-driving areas of the country outside of New York City. Right, there are a lot of very excellent, brilliant people that expect excellence and brilliance from their offspring. And that is contagious.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

And while it can be an a good thing for some people because that's an example they aspire to and can achieve, that's just not who everybody is. That's not to say they're not excellent, right? But they're not going to be like not everyone's a master of the universe. And that's great. We don't want everyone to be a master of the universe. That would be a pretty miserable existence, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

So um, yeah, I I don't know. I don't know the answer other than just kind of wild acceptance. Aggressive, violent acceptance of who you created and who they are.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Yeah, and and just yeah, to love the the the people that they are. I mean, you often talk about trusting your intuition, you know, and um, you know, sometimes you're you know, you're in the middle of chaos where you're, you know, the child is lashing out at you because they had a bad day at school. Maybe they didn't get the A on the test, maybe they didn't get picked to start in the lineup of whatever sport they're in, you know, and it's all coming down on you. And, you know, as a parent, um, how do you reconnect with that that intuition, that inner voice? You know, do you have any tools or advice?

SPEAKER_00 20:37

I have a few things. I'm gonna actually just make myself a note here so I don't lose sight. There's a few things. Um, first of all, you mentioned inner critic.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Not not a single human being on this planet doesn't have at least one inner critic, but often many.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

And those are the voices in our head who are telling us we're not good enough, we're not smart enough, we're not enough in whatever way. We're not doing it well enough, we're not, we're screwing up. Those voices come from any number of sources in our lives. It can come from like a great, I have a client who channels her. She she attributes one of her inner voices to her great-great-grandmother Barbara, who came over from Germany and is like a complete, you know, psycho about cleanliness and neatness and tidiness, and you know, so so it doesn't even need to be someone immediately in your life. But these inner voice, these these very loud inner critics drown out the extremely wise inner wisdom that we all also have. It's a very quiet voice in our and it's the voice of our soul, I believe. Yeah, and it lives within us, and we have to get very quiet in order to hear it. And that's the intuition that you're talking. about yes um and i have i have a client who um talks about i think it's a great term margin she's like i she has four kids and she's like i have no margin because she's a job she has four kids one of her kids is autistic and um is you know a tough a a a more challenging person to raise and um and and she's like i with everything going on i i have no margin to like just reconnect with myself she's making a very conscious effort to create space for herself which is so important yeah so so important we lose sight of the importance of um of giving ourselves grace yeah giving ourselves that time that quiet time to close our eyes and reconnect with that wise inner voice that lives in all of us and when we can do that regularly um lots of change happens you're much more balanced you're much more dismissive of your inner critics um that are squawking in your ear about how you're not doing it well enough um and then talking to someone about it like I mean you we treat therapy or coaching as a nice to have yes as something uh I don't really have time for that I don't really need it we're not a single soul on this planet who wouldn't benefit from just talking to a rejective third party absolutely you know and just you know hashing some stuff out every single time I have a meeting with a client they walk away saying oh my gosh I'm so happy that we just talked through that I never would have been able to come to those conclusions on my own and I'm not telling them what to do they're coming to they're they're coming to their self-awareness completely on their own just by me asking them questions.

SPEAKER_01 23:59

And that's the beautiful part of it I mean you know it's just that that when you're in the throes of life it's so hard to calm your mind enough that you can pivot and see you know I guess the forest beyond the tree you know totally oh my gosh it's so funny that you say that the very the top image of my um website is just the light coming in through a forest and that light is wisdom it is it really is but if we don't pay attention to it we don't see it and we don't get the the benefit of it yeah so so you know let's get a little practical you know how do you help a parent go from being in that reactive state to being more reflective when the tensions are running high you know when you want to fling the pot of pasta and just go I'm done yeah oh my gosh if you among us hasn't been there it's such a human experience there's zero judgment um but it does take intentionality it does take tools um I have a number of them one very simple two two very simple ones I'll pass along right now simply by putting your hand on your heart is a calming method of bringing down the temperature of just whatever is happening in your brain um it is um it stimulates the vagus nerve and it um it brings it it brings you into a a better sense of calmness so if you if if all else fails deep breath hand on heart I love that I feel calm already right um taking walking away not engaging is so okay knowing that you don't have to win an argument accepting that you don't have to win an argument is so key we feel like I mean I think it's probably the way that we were parented yeah it's my way or the highway yeah I don't know a lot of us had that parent oh yeah um it really like you know it's you we all know that we are in charge but one little argument with your kid if you're dysregulated just walk away go take space for yourself yeah that's great advice uh it it's it's it's um it's sometimes really hard to to um act on because we we think we have to win yeah it gets competitive and it also depends on how triggering your child is i mean one of we all have one child that triggers us more than the other most of us do yes um and uh so so the other the other tool that I teach to people and this is one a lot of people do know but if they don't know it it is amazing at rewiring your brain when it's when you're dysregulated the box breathing or it's also called square breathing.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

What is that? So it's um used by the Navy SEALs in moments of um extreme you know stress or distress um it is very simple it's four or five breaths in inhale hold at the top four to five breaths and all it's all consistent. So if you choose four then stick with four throughout the whole box. Okay so inhale four hold four at the top exhale four hold four inhale four it's a cycle so you inhale hold exhale hold all on the same count wow and that rewires your brain from a dysregulated place to a much more regulated place. Interesting I'm gonna try that it is really magical my husband I I always I always assume that people know about it and so I don't I'm not gonna assume anymore because it's even if they do it's a great reminder I've never heard of it you haven't okay no this is it is magical and um whenever I'm talking to people he's like remember to talk about box breathing because I taught it to him and he's like it's so amazing it really does it it makes such a difference. Do 10 rounds of box breathing and you are you're like okay I can do this like your your regulation has come back online um and it's uh it's pretty pretty magical those are two easy things to um to do wow that's three easy things walk away is a big one yeah we don't we don't give ourselves the the grace sometimes to walk away that's true that's really true you know because we we feel like we have to finish it you know yeah this you know it's that you know fight or flight instinct sometimes when you feel like you're being attacked right you're exactly right and and that is biological so what happens in our brain is we have this little bean sized thing in our brain called the amygdala and when it is activated in a moment of stress that is what our brain goes to it's fight or flight. So to get out of those fight or flight moments when we're triggered those are some tools for doing it.

SPEAKER_01 29:39

Wow but you do have to have the intentionality and the awareness of what's happening that's yeah that's key right it's it's it's critical it's really critical how can a parent tell if they're starting to shift from the constant stress to more confidence can they you know is there something that that will signal you or I mean I think it takes a lot of practice yeah but I'll uh my my um my client who I was referring to before who talks about margin I mean she is like my best case study I'm so proud of her she went from just a panicked woman who was like completely overwhelmed by so much going on and she has just built such a practice of intentionality she has noticed how important self-care is she has um noticed her own reactions to things that are so triggering to her and one thing we haven't talked about is control so many times we feel like we we need control we want to be in control we want to control the outcome and when I work with parents we talk about all the things that are triggering and we throw it up on a whiteboard and they're all so completely valid like you know they're everything that they say is a million percent valid of why they would be triggered by these things.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

It could be like my kid won't get up to to go to school my kid is never on time my kid never does his homework um he's disrespectful he you know all these things that are like a hundred percent triggering and valid we talk about can you what can you do to control these things right right and most of the time the only thing you can do to control the situation is how you respond yes because the more you fight the more it escalates oh boy I tell you that is so true it is and we think we have to fight fight fight and well we're gonna somehow win a fight around these really hard behaviors and if you can shift your thinking and your mindset to I'm not gonna fight it anymore the kid can have natural consequences he doesn't do his homework the consequences are held at school right or there are consequences that we can hold but it's not gonna be a fight right I'm gonna because that that will not end well no 99% of the time so what can I do? I can walk away I can square breathe I can put my hand on my heart and throw a yoga class I can you know I can take care of myself and show my child that he can also take care of himself.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

That's that's amazing I mean that's that's it's I've embraced more and more of you know you can't control other people you can only control your reaction to them and it's something I didn't learn for um for 50 years or more it's not taught to us no and uh it's such a powerful lesson it really is it is a powerful lesson and I and I think why one of the reasons it's so hard for us and I hear so many people say this is I listened to my parents yeah like many of us like what our parents said was what we did.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

We they were the authority and we followed their direction and and and you know nine times out of 10 that was the case in our generation and the generation before ours our our parents' generation like right it was it was their way or the highway yeah now it's not like that and I don't know why I really don't know why but what I do know is that the way that we were parented the model that we were taught to follow is pretty irrelevant now. It just doesn't work in this day and age yeah it's so true.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

I mean if you could invent one parenting gadget for today's world that actually worked what would it do? Oh gosh could be it'd be like magic sure you're invented and just like go back in time um oh gosh uh oxygen mask you know I always this is a very this is kind of a cliche but it is it it's a cliche for a reason um the uh put your own oxygen mask before assisting others yes um if there was one that just dropped out of the ceiling when we needed it that would be an awesome right like it it knew like it was like something that we wear it's a wearable and like it triggers like it's triggered when we're triggered but we don't know we're triggered yet our brain doesn't know but the oxygen mask does so it just drops down and like the energy the energy around you know so then all of a sudden it forms that would be awesome okay I need to breathe now yeah because you can't because sometimes you're so in the moment you can't even realize that you do you need to breathe and and it's so important because if you are not calm and and or you're not in a coming from a good place you're not gonna be much help to anyone else right so true. It's true you know who I'm thinking of right now I'm thinking of Jonathan when he says breathe yes it is not something that we remember to do which is so weird because it is so whole it is the reason that we are alive is through our breath it is so critical to our existence but sometimes we hold our breath especially so what Michelle is referring to is she and I sometimes we'll play tennis together and we get in those heated moments where we're trying to you know have this great rally and win the point and our coach Jonathan would always say remember to breathe and we're turning red because we're holding our breath and it's so true. Yes it's so true. Shout out to Jonathan why is Jonathan it's true oh that's so funny but yeah and it's you know it's it's funny because you know for us you know success in that moment in tennis is you're just so focused laser focused that you don't you don't even realize what you're doing and if you transfer that to being a parent you know let's talk about defining success as a parent or redefining that success as a parent right you know and what that really would mean for a parent. Can we talk about that a little bit?

SPEAKER_00 36:41

Worst yes I mean I think when you're when you're a young parent you um are your your child's success equates to your success.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Like potty training and things like that.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Yeah things like that like little milestones are like okay I I did that I I taught them to pee. I taught them on the potty I um I taught them to speak I taught and then as they get older oh they made good grades that's because I'm such a great parent oh they um you know they're on the honor roll they made the they're starting on the lacrosse team what do you I mean we do we like and we feel pride and a lot of us even though many wouldn't admit it are like I did a good job here and by the way you did congratulations like that's so great it is awesome but that is not your relationship with your child you're right and that where is where I think success lies is where how you relate to your child regardless of where they are in life regardless if they're you know like failing out of college does he does he or she know that you love them yeah does he or she know that they're that's that love is unconditional how does he or she is he or she able to talk to you and confide in you without feeling judged without feeling um you know we're more of a failure if they're already feeling that way yeah I think it's the tough moments where where you kind of earn your medal in in parenting um it's the it's the the moments where you want to show up based on who you are from a values perspective not who your your parents were not who your model was but like who that inner voice tells you you are who you know to be deep in your soul yeah and and the way that your relationship is with your child is what we all want in the end right we want a positive we want to relate positively we want to laugh and have fun and it's not always going to be like that. No we're we're not perfect you know no it's absolutely I mean people annoy one another and that's just part of life. It's true it's true.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

But if by and large your child feels loved and you relate to them and they relate to you and you have a relationship yeah it's not about how well they did in school it's not about how well they did on the sports field it's not about you know anything other than your relationship it's true it's relationship is everything and you know how can a parent support their child without you you know especially the teenagers their independence without micromanaging them I see it like I'm part of the college groups and I see so many parents that you know have like everything done doing everything for these teens or young adults quite honestly you know they're in their their late teens early 20s and um you know a lot of the comments I see that come back is let them figure it out but you know how how would you encourage a parent or a parent to support their child that way without micromanaging them you know yeah I mean it's one of the hardest things in the whole world I am a recovering swooper I I um I am so guilty of doing too much for my kids um especially when you see your kids struggle like my ability to be comfortable with my kids' discomfort is really subpar.

SPEAKER_00 40:34

Like I and I feel like a lot of people feel that they think they're like I'll just do it for them so that my discomfort is quelled. Right because you don't want to see them struggling or stressed out and yeah if you can name that and say this is about me and not about them that's a big first step. Huh it's hard to watch your kids struggle and know the answer and not tell them the answer or do it for them because you want them to succeed.

SPEAKER_01 41:05

Right. And if you see your child slipping or or going down a path that's you know not ideal, you know, or you know wasn't in my plan, you know you know what do you what do you say to that parent? It's like, you know, how do you let the kid fail do you do you let your kid fail yeah well I mean I think that's where third parties come in if you if it's a if it's a path that um you know you really are feeling ill equipped to handle on your own.

SPEAKER_00 41:34

Right. There's zero shame in calling in the expert. Now whether or not your child will um will engage with the expert that's one thing but what you can do is engage with an expert. So like I have calls from people saying will you work with my child will you fix my child and I'll say to them let's talk about you first right because what I learned along the way is that I had to fix me and the way that I related to my kids before anything could be done with them. I had to fix my own approach and how I reacted before especially if a kid is like yeah okay uh you're making me go to therapy but I'm just gonna sit there the whole time you know what I mean? Yes. So so much of the work can be done by the parent. But I think yeah when you do feel ill equipped and you feel like the child is going down the wrong path you it's it's as important for you to get the support that you need as a parent yeah as as it is for your your child to get the support. And then I think it's setting boundaries that you will hold. Because that's sometimes the very very hardest thing for a parent is saying these are my these are the boundaries and then not moving on them. Like that's that's it. And you're on you're in lockstep with your partner your spouse with what those are yes and they're understood by the child and the consequence is understood. Yeah a lot of times it really helps if you sit down have the discussion because a lot of times we don't talk to them we don't um we don't tell them what the expectation is and communicate we take communication for for granted so if you can communicate with your child and say this is the rule in our house because this and it's it if you can say because and give it a a reason that's based on your values right because you know my value is honesty and you don't take $20 out of my purse it's not okay. So when I when I you know when when you do that this is the consequence and it's the consequence that you will follow up on it's the consequence that what Always be the consequence. Um, and um so so I think holding boundaries is something we all struggle with, and and and really kind of being very thoughtful about what boundaries you're setting and holding. Sometimes the boundaries you think you should be holding aren't that important, and when you have too many, so I'll give an example. I have a uh a client who who really wants everyone around the table every day for dinner, and the older your kids get, it's harder to do that.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

And um, and I said, why is it important to you? Because it I completely if it's if it's something that's like value-based, that isn't about like that isn't about what you did growing up, because as I said, like what we did growing up is kind of irrelevant now, right? Having if if it's causing an argument constantly and and lack of peace in the house, right, isn't really important. Like question those things. Um, and then base your base your boundaries and your non-negotiables on the things that truly are important, but that takes a lot of thought. It takes some journaling, maybe some coaching, some therapy, you know, whatever it is. It's shifting the mindset, right? It's a mindset shift. It you have to have a growth mindset when it comes to parenting.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

When you have a fixed mindset, you're like, well, my dad yelled at me, so I'm gonna yell at my kids. Right, right. That's how I learned to parent, and so that's how I parent. That's very fixed.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

And especially if one parent is stuck doing it one way and the other parents willing to pivot, you have that dynamic as well. You know, yeah, it's uh it's it's not easy. Parenting is definitely not, it doesn't come with instructions, and you know, what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for the other child.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

That's so true because because of the gosh darn nature versus nurture thing. They are born unique beings, and you have no control over it, and it's so crazy that like this to these two totally different people can come out of the same DNA.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

It is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 46:30

It is. I um I wrote a blog that was published in um a publication called Modern Women called and the title is Mom and Ain't Easy. Did I tell you about this?

SPEAKER_01 46:41

I've heard it, but I don't think our audience has.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

Oh, okay. Well, I I bought a I bought a greeting card um like 10 years ago, and it's really cute. It was in a cute little shop in our town that's no longer there that makes me very sad. Um, and it and it basically said mom and ain't easy. And I was like, Oh, I'll be able to give this to someone next week. It's sitting in my card file now. I have like, I'm a dork with cards. I keep them and like pull up pull one out when I need one. Anyway, 10 years later, it's still sitting in my in my card file. And it is like the most universal feeling. And and everyone knows it's not easy, but like I think the reason I've never gave it to anyone was I didn't want anyone to feel exposed. Like, I see that you're having trouble because we want it to look so seamless and easy, and it's so not. I don't know why we feel like we have to pretend that it is, but for some reason where we live, and I don't know if this is everywhere, but I think it might be in way more places than where we live. Yes, it is. Everyone's pretending to have it all together, and it's crazy, right? It's it is hard.

SPEAKER_01 47:50

Mom and ain't easy, neither is dad and no, and it's not, and you know, I I would love you to um let us know, or or what do you want every parent listening, maybe to walk away with today? Just one thing.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

Most of all is to take care of yourself. If if nothing else, let it be a reminder to care for yourself. Put that oxygen mask on, breathe, meditate. I know that's some people have a really hard time with that. Take the time to tap into that wise in her voice. And that above anything else is caring for yourself. Sometimes that can be on a massage table, sometimes that can be in a pedicure chair, sometimes that can be, you know, going away for a weekend by yourself. Yes, yes, or even just reading a great book. Going and lying down on the sofa and reading a book. You know, so one client who she's like, sometimes I just go to my closet with a glass of wine. There you go. Totally fine, totally fine. Like just take that time, take your space because you are benefiting your child when you do that. When you care for yourself, you're caring for your child.

SPEAKER_01 49:07

It's so true. It is. And it just I've I embrace self-love. Um, you know, sometimes just taking, you know, a moment and going to a thrift shop and just browsing around or doing things just to recharge the batteries, you know. Whatever it is for you, there's no one size fits all. It's whatever works for you. Yeah, yeah. That's that's so beautiful, Michelle. Um at every show that I do, I usually end with uh one of my son Scotty's poems. And this one I think relates to what our children go through. And he was only 15 when he wrote it, but it's so powerful. Oh, and it's uh the way I feel can't be described into words or rhymes. Get with the times. The kids I once knew are developing, not relishing in the innocence they once had, and I can't handle the weight on my shoulders as heavy as boulders that pull me down to the ground, making me pinned, flat down, losing air, as lies fill my lungs. My body speaks the opposite of my mind. I can't take control of the situation at hand for my body and mind don't communicate. They can't agree on a compromise, so therefore can't synchronize. I mean, this kid just puts into these words so powerful, you can feel it, you know, what they struggle with. I know it's just but it's you know, and if you could take a moment and realize that this is what these little people or young people or or or peers are are going through and just hold space, hold space for them. I think is something we don't do enough, you know. And Michelle, this has just been oh full of wisdom, laughter, and a great talk with you. And thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Thank you for reminding me. What an honor.

SPEAKER_01 51:17

You remind us that parenting is not about perfection, it's about being present, right?

SPEAKER_00 51:22

Progress over perfection. Um presence over perfection. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

Yes, and for anyone that wants to learn more or work with you, Michelle, how can they reach you?

SPEAKER_00 51:35

Sure. My my um website is Michelle Robertsoncoaching.com. That's great. And there you'll see how to reach me there. And um I'm it brings me great joy to help other people.

SPEAKER_01 51:49

So oh, and you are so full of light and love. And to our listeners, thank you so much for tuning in today. I would love if you could rate the show. If you want to donate, that would be most appreciated. Remember, SOS, stories of survivors, where survival sparks the sh sparks the soul. Thank you again for joining us today, and we'll see you soon. Bye. Bye.