SOS - Stories of Survivors
A podcast dedicated to resilience, healing, hope, and the power of the human spirit.
SOS - Stories of Survivors
Ep. 002 | Introducing Stories of Survivors
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The Journey Begins – A Story of Survival and Hope. In the premiere episode of Stories of Survivors, host Serina Dansker takes us behind the scenes of her own journey through pain, loss, and resilience. With raw honesty and heartfelt reflection, she shares the challenges she has faced, the lessons she has learned, and her mission to create a space of healing and empowerment. This episode sets the tone for an inspiring series that will uplift, support, and guide listeners through their own paths to transformation.
To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.
S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.
Hi, welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm Serena Danske, your host. I'm so excited that you're joining me. We're here today and we're going to talk about some tough topics, about challenges that we all go through in life. And joining me today is my good friend, C Foo Carl Romain. Welcome, Carl.
SPEAKER_00I'm so excited to be here on your first show, your premiere. And I I officially want to welcome you on behalf of the SOS family to the family. We're so excited to have you and your show here. And I guess before we begin everything, we want to know about you. So let's dig into your story and let's talk about how we got here. So let's talk about how you grew up.
SPEAKER_02Sure, that's that's a great way to start. Um, so I grew up in Yonkers, and I had um my mom was a single mom, and we didn't have a lot of money, but we had a lot of love. And you know, she raised me, she worked hard, and we struggled, you know, living in small apartments in Yonkers. And uh little by little, though, we both worked and we she raised me to be a wonderful person.
SPEAKER_00That's awesome. And so you said your mom was a single mom. Were your parents married? Did they get divorced? And were you the only child?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so that's that's an interesting story. Yeah, I was an only child because my mom always said one was enough. But the real story behind that is um, you know, she and my dad never actually got married. They um lived together for a long time, and then like relationships do, it ended, but they had to have one last fling.
SPEAKER_00One last fling, huh?
SPEAKER_02Here I am, which means you were meant to be here. I think so. I think so. And I I think my mom and I do have a special relationship. She and I always had each other's backs. We were always the best of friends looking out for each other, and um, and she's instilled in me a sense of pride and of always reaching for higher goals and doing the best I can.
SPEAKER_00So that is a different kind of bond, right? You know, like you know, I'm going through that with my son. There's just the two of us, right? Yeah. Um, I do have an older daughter, but but raising that child day in, day out, being that close to your mom, how did that impact you as you were growing up? Because I imagine she's like your best friend.
SPEAKER_02You know, it's funny. It there's there, it's a double-edged sword almost because when it's just the two of you, you know, if something goes wrong, I couldn't blame my brother or sister, even the dog. I didn't even have a dog. Um, so it was always like me. And, you know, when you're growing up in the 70s and 80s back then, um, you struggled and you know, you went out. I had a lot of freedom. I did. She trusted me. And um, but if I broke that trust, there was hell to pay. Yeah. And um, but it it worked out good because I learned how to be independent. I learned how to not rely on her to do things because let's face it, she was working, she was trying to support me, and I had friends and I would, uh I was smart enough where I was doing well in school. And that helped. And I mean, even as I got older and I wanted to go to college, I knew to get there, she couldn't afford to pay for it. I had to work three jobs if I wanted to actually achieve my dreams and my goals.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So your dad, he left. Did you have a relationship with him? Did you not have a relationship with him? Tell us about that.
SPEAKER_02So that's interesting. So my dad, I didn't really know until I was about 18 years old. I knew of him, but let's call him my papa, it was a rolling stone. He he was selfish, I think, of his own way. He was one of seven children, the oldest son. And he um lived on a farm. So very smart man, spoke five languages. But because it was a farm, he was required to get up early and do all the chores of the farm, all the chores of the farm. And um, I think he was a little bit resentful. And even though he liked the idea of having a child, he didn't take responsibility for it. He never really worked per se. He would um uh work uh for the government um uh with addictophones and he would transcribe all like the different documents that would come his way, only when he had to, you know, he never really took um control of his life or, you know, uh wanting to get to know me, and which was really interesting. When I was 18, I don't know what happened in his life, but he wanted to get to know me and invited me to a family reunion, and I got to meet uh his whole side of the family, and then he introduced another young woman who was about three months younger than me, who is my half-sister, and so that was wild because I got to know that I do have a sibling, and although she didn't live with him either, um, it was just we got to know each other, and to this day, even though we didn't grow up together, we still have a great, great relationship.
SPEAKER_00That's awesome. How did that impact your relationship with men? Because you have a great husband, and your your husband's an awesome guy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so it's interesting. I think throughout my childhood and my and my dating life, um, before Brad and I got together, I didn't have a great track record with men because I didn't believe in myself. I didn't have enough faith in myself or love myself enough to understand, you know, what it would be like to be loved fully. So I would push men away and I would just be, it's okay. And eventually I did um start dating Brad. He was my my he was actually my good friend's older brother. So we were always friends. And then I guess at some point in in my 20s, he had come up to me, he said, you know, I've always had a crush on you. We should start dating. And I'm like, really? You don't know my track record with men. I'd rather be friends. So just in case something doesn't work out. He said, No, no. He's like, Well, I'll never let the friendship end. Well, you know, let's give this a shot. I was living in California, he was living in New Jersey.
SPEAKER_03Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_02And he had a job where he was traveling a lot, so he he showed me what it meant to really want to be seen with me. And he would fly out to California, he would fly me into Jersey, and I had a commitment with my job out in uh California. So for a year and a half, we did this long distance thing. We didn't go more than two weeks without seeing each other.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_02And after six months, we got engaged because we knew each other, our families knew each other, and we were always friends. And so Brad taught me something really important about what the value is of somebody who loves you and when they care about you. I no matter how many times I would try and push him away and go through my old antics, he stood by my side day in and day out, and he's like, I'm not going anywhere.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_02And so he's he's a solid guy.
SPEAKER_00Wow. Okay. So now you're married.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Kids.
SPEAKER_02So yeah, that would be the logical next step. So we were like, well, let's have a little fun for a couple of years and just be us. Um, we were both working, building our careers. Um, we were in finance and we decided, you know, we're gonna settle down in New York, we're gonna build our first home, and after that, we'll start to try and have children. So then the years started to go by and nothing happened. And after about five or six years, um, my gynecologist said, Well, you know, you need to have sex every single day if you want to get pregnant. And so I looked at my husband and he's like, okay. But um, even after all of that, we ended up having to go the route of infertility. And back then, it was called artificial insemination. And so we tried that, we tried the pills and all of that, and none of it worked. And I, and then you start to say to yourself, well, what's wrong with me? You know, I've, you know, everybody else, I'm looking around, all my friends are getting pregnant, and you start to feel like feel like a failure, you know. And so in vitro was uh coming around, and thank goodness I worked for a company that covered all the infertility um treatments because it's expensive. It was expensive then. I know it's expensive now, too. So we went the route of in vitro and it didn't work. And so then, as finance companies do, my company was going to be merging with another company and they were gonna take away our benefits.
SPEAKER_03Oh wow.
SPEAKER_02So, as a last ditch effort, I forced a cycle, as they call it, right before the end of the year, and put in three frozen embryos, and I had triplets.
SPEAKER_00Congratulations. That's awesome. And before we go any further, Liza says, hello, greetings from New York. So that's great. Please write in, show your support. We're we're really excited about the show, really excited to have you here. So let's get back to you.
SPEAKER_02All right.
SPEAKER_00Uh so yeah.
SPEAKER_02Pregnant with triplets, right? Pregnant. And so, um, do you know that they consider that a failure when you're when they when they put in the three embryos and it actually takes and you're pregnant? And I was like, What? What are you talking about? They said, Well, how many babies did you want coming into this? And of course the answer was one. Well, they said, Don't be selfish. Give that one baby the best opportunity and think about reduction. My husband and I looked at each other and we looked at the doctor and we said, Can you tell us, is there something wrong? You know, is there something gonna happen to me if I carried terms? And they said, No, but you know, it's probably better for the babies or the the remaining babies if you reduce, because your body is only meant to carry one child. So, long story short, I ended up finding a doctor at Westchester Medical Center who said, stick with me and I will get you through this pregnancy by following whatever I tell you to do, whether it's water, drinking water, um, bed rest, whatever it is. And so what happened was I was able to carry the babies 34 and a half weeks.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_02And I gave birth to three beautiful, healthy babies because I said, if it's God's will for me to have three babies, then so be it.
SPEAKER_00So be it. Wow. What a beautiful story of faith and encouragement. And and you know, it's just amazing how that happened, right? How everything worked out.
SPEAKER_02It's it's it's it was a blessing, really truly blessed. And as we went through life, you know, the kids were just amazing. We had uh a beautiful home. Uh, the kids started school, they were thriving. Eventually, my husband ended up changing jobs, and we had to move to Connecticut. So we moved out of New York, we moved to Connecticut, and and we had a great community. Life was good, things were going great. And as they got older, um, they had a group of friends and and they were each other's best friends. But what happened was they um got into high school and high school's funny, it kind of changed everything, you know, and um yeah, so they get into high school and it changed. Yeah, it changed everything. And so what happened was um they had a hard time making finding their peers, their their group. They uh couldn't find their sports. I think Scott, my my my firstborn son, struggled more than the other two. Um, he he was always the life of the party, the jokester. And when he got into high school, for some reason it he wasn't finding his friends. The other two figured it out a little bit better. And so what happened was um he ended up asking me for help to maybe go see somebody and talk about it because he was being bullied. And I know it's common in high school, you know, for that to happen. And it's a rite of passage. I mean, I remember that. What about you when you were growing up?
SPEAKER_00I uh I did kung fu, I was in bulls. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01You know, they did kung fu too, but for some reason it was different now. But it's a good point, anyway.
SPEAKER_02Um, so you know, him asking for help was a sign of bravery and strength. And um, he ended up joining the Boy Scouts and then he ended up loving it because he found a group of people that gave him support and he really enjoyed the structure. Right and he loved it so much that he realized that he wanted to go to like the Naval Academy or to West Point um after high school. And yeah, it was really good. And so, you know, he he like came up with this whole future plan of his. He said, You know what? I want to go to a military school, mom. I want to leave our Darien, Connecticut, where we were living. He's like, and I want to go find a military school because I think that'll give me my best avenue of approach to getting into the school and having the dream career that I want. I said, Dream career, what do you want to be? He said, I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a military lawyer. He's like, and I've got this plan. He's like, I'm gonna work for like 20 years, I'm gonna get a pension, and then I'm gonna go buy myself a Volkswagen van or bus. I'm gonna have a dog and I'm gonna make skateboards and surfboards, and I'm gonna live by the beach and live my best life, and I'll be the fun uncle for my siblings, kids. And I was like, wow, that's that's it all figured out. He knew, and my other kids are like worried about going to the movies, you know. But Scott had a plan. So I said, okay. I said, but military school, you live in a beautiful area, you have a great home, your own room. Life is good for you. He said, but it's not what I want, it's not what I need. So we looked around, we searched up and down the East Coast, and I found this great school down in Florida where it was more of a country club, I think, than a school. But it was actually good. And and Scott, you know, could get into trouble. He was a little self-destructive, but he was a lot of fun. But we all were back in our teenage years, you know. So I said, you know what? If this is really what you want, let's do it.
SPEAKER_00Great. And Brad was supportive of this. Like the two of you guys were in agreement on okay, this is what we're gonna do for our son. And you're he was how old at this point?
SPEAKER_02So he was 15 years old. It was right after 10th grade. So I should back up a little bit because like Scott was always like the life of the party. So part of the problem, I think, was that he always wanted to be popular. This popular is a big thing, you know. Even more now, I think, with social media, where where these kids want to be, you know, go viral and be known. And um, you can see where you other kids are in your grade, where they're at, and if they're at a party and you weren't included. And a lot of that hurts, you know. And I think what happened was he got into his head that he wasn't popular. But I can tell you, just from experience with his siblings, my my daughter used to play volleyball and he used to go to every volleyball game, and she used to get upset because all of her teammates had a Scotty fan club, unbeknownst to him, but she was like, What, my brother? Who? And so, you know, he never realized that everybody knew who he was and really and loved him and loved him, and he was fun and excited, you know, he he was just a good person to be around, and he had a heart of gold. So if you were a kid that was new in the school and you were sitting alone and people were teasing you or making fun of you, Scott wouldn't stand for that. He would go up, sit right next to you, flip off everybody else, and just introduce himself and and make friends. That's the kind of guy he was. So by starting uh going to this military school, he was starting his in, I think it was actually in 10th grade he started there. So he was new and he was the new kid. But him being this egregious, uh grow egregorious personality, a big personality, um, he made friends and people thought he was always there, you know. They're like, hey, everybody knew his name, you know.
SPEAKER_00So was he happy at military school? Did he feel like, okay, I found my tribe, this is where I need to be, life is great.
SPEAKER_02So, yes, in some ways, in some ways it was a little more difficult because he didn't have us right there, you know, to come home to and he was living there. Um, but he made a lot of friends. And, you know, sometimes when, you know, old habits die hard, like he would talk out in class and he would get in trouble or he would mouth off to the wrong person. But at military school, if you do that, you are gonna be doing about 500 push-ups or sit-ups cleaning latrines, and you would think he'd be skeeved out by all that. No, Scott thrived. He loved it. He's like, call me up, mom. I got in trouble today. I gotta clean the latrines, but it's all good. I'm okay with it. He liked the structure and he joined the Boy Scouts down there. So he had a group down there that he was actually the patrol leader of, and he was teaching the younger troops what it meant to be a Boy Scout and to have um Scout spirit. Uh, he was just amazing, and um, he he didn't mind uh doing uh any of the uh stuff that they do at military school. He actually really enjoyed it.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_02And then, you know, what happened was COVID.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_02And COVID happened and it shut down everything.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02He um had to come home.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that was that was my next question. So he couldn't stay at military school, he had to come home, and that did that dramatically impact him?
SPEAKER_02It dramatically impacted everybody. I mean, let's face it, all of us. Um, but yeah, being he was he was a junior in high school now, and he had a or maybe no, it was the second half of his sophomore year, maybe it was. It was the second half of the sophomore year, it was like March. He had to come home and they were gonna do studying from home, like long-distance learning, where you know, they gave you a plan and you had to just do the work and submit it. It was horrible. And so Scott was he was distraught because any friends that he did have back home, they'd moved on, they were doing their own thing. He was lonely, and the loneliness set in, and then old habits come. You know, teenagers are gonna look for any excuse to, you know, to self-medicate, basically. And um, so he started writing uh poetry and he started uh writing songs as ways to express himself. He was in therapy. Um, and then one day he came to me and he said, You know what, mom? I got myself a job. And I'm like, but you're not even 16 yet. He's like, No, no, no. I'm gonna be working at the garden center. I'm gonna be, you know, planting and moving potted plants and carrying mulch to cars, you know, and I'll be outside. So they're still open and they need help. And talk about turning lemons into lemonade, it was amazing because he's got such a great personality that he could talk to adults and he would smile and make jokes, and he actually, you know, did really well. And so uh that summer, uh, while he was home uh and his brother and sister were lifeguarding, he was making bank working at the garden center, and we would have like these little parties, uh, barbecue small groups. We'd be invited to some of those small group parties, and then you know what happened is Scott, you know, being Scott, he was hooked back up with some of his old friends. And one day our friends invited us to a barbecue and he's like, you know what, mom? I've been working so hard. I'm really tired. I think I'm gonna stay back if you don't mind today. And, you know, I felt for the kids. I'm like, sure, stay home. It's fine. And so he said to me, Um, you know, I'm just gonna work on uh putting together some applications for colleges and for next year and and doing all of that. And they were just turning uh 16, so they just had their permits uh for driving. So we had got a car for them to practice on in the driveway. So unbeknownst to me, he had hijacked the key to the car and we had gone off to a friend's house. Um, and all of a sudden I get this frantic call from him. Mom! I'm like, what? He's like, I messed up, and I'm like, you know, my heart jumps. And I'm like, oh no, what happened? He's like, I stole the car. And I'm like, What do you mean you stole the car? He's like, Well, I wanted to go meet some friends, and I figured I'd drive. Down there, I'm like, you don't even have a license. Well, turns out, not only did he go to into a parking lot to meet his friends, but I guess his friends all jumped in the car. And as he was pulling out of the parking lot, he hit the parked car next to him.
SPEAKER_03Oh no.
SPEAKER_02Oh gosh. And it was terrible. And what happened was he, all his friends, smart kids that they are, jumped out of the car. So he said, Oh no, and he took off. Oh no. And there were witnesses everywhere. And I'm like, you've got to be joking. So I leave the barbecue. I'm like, stay where you are. He goes, No, no, I'm on the highway. I'm like, you're calling me from the stolen car on the highway. I'm like, meet me at the house, you know. So we meet at the house and uh we drive back to where he did that. I said, You're gonna write a note, you're gonna leave a note for the person who owns the car and tell them what happened. God willing, the car is still there. And so the car was there. And there was the gentleman who uh, I guess who owned the car was sitting inside of the car. And so Scott goes up to put the note on the windshield and he runs back to me. He's in the car. I'm like, Well, we're gonna go and talk to the car. So it turns out the guy was such a nice man, and he had called the police to come, but there was something going on where the police took a long time. And I explained to him, Look, I said, It's his first time, you know. I will fix the car, you know. Please, you know, could you find it in your heart to not go through and report him and process and all of this? And the guy was like, I've been there, I know. And he was so sweet. So Scott dodged a big bullet that day, you know. But it's funny, he didn't see it that way. He he had this like talk about self-loathing. He was so angry with himself for doing what he did, and he almost got like a PTSD. Like you could see that he just struggled with it, and he was mad at himself. And if you think whenever you know, you're you're judging yourself, it's it's it's harder to forgive yourself than it's than it is someone else. Absolutely, you know, and I think that really weighed heavily on him.
SPEAKER_00Right. So, so he goes through this and he's doing this self-loathing thing. You as a parent, uh, I mean, you want him to learn the lesson, right? Yes, but you also want to like make sure it's balanced and he's not going too far with that, right? So, what did you do?
SPEAKER_02Well, you know, we talk to him, we explain to him that we all make mistakes and then we tell our own stories of stupid stuff we did as kids too, and how it's a life lesson, and you learn from it and you grow. And this is part of growing up and and learning about life. And, you know, he took it all in, and you know, he did have PTSD. He didn't want to get behind the wheel again of the car, um, which was understandable um initially, but I made him, you know, get back on the horse and drive. And then school down in Florida reopened. So it was almost like a blessing in disguise. Like, okay, back into school, get some sense of normalcy, and then we'll, you know, figure it out. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00So now he goes back to Florida and he's back in school. And does he feel like things are back to normal for him? Does he feel like uh, you know, things are gonna go well now because he is back in school and he's he's in his comfort zone, back with his friends?
SPEAKER_02You know, that's funny. Yes. So he's back at school and he's, you know, figuring things out. And now it's junior year, and like this is where the rubber meets the road. You've got, you know, got college applications going on. He had gone a little bit of jump on things, but he's realizing he has some pretty lofty goals, you know. He's gonna want to get into a military academy, even though the school he went to, you know, feeds into these military schools. It's a lot of competition, you know. So he started taking all these AP classes, and he started to, you know, um become a leadership position within the military uh class that he was in, working um at the Boy Scouts, volunteering, uh, trying to get his Eagle project so he could get his Eagle, which is huge. Um, so these were all things. So it kept him busy. It kept him busy, but it also it's a lot. You're putting a lot of stress on yourself. I was. I said to him, you you know, you don't have to do it all at once. It's it's okay. If you don't get into the military school, you go to a regular college. You want to do R O T C. There are options, you know. But no matter what you say to your kid, you don't know anything, you know. Not at that age.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_02So it was it was a struggle. But then um, I had a conversation with him. He had just pulled off a major coup. He got all the approvals to do his eagle project, and his eagle project was to build a fire pit at his school where all the kids could come and socialize and make s'mores and blow off steam from all the stress they're having. And he got the school's approval, the Boy Scouts' approval, you know, the powers that be, the Eagle project. So now he's so excited, he's like, Mom, I'm gonna put up a GoFundMe, I'm gonna raise the money, I'm gonna do this. And I was like, Oh, thank God. So excited for him, so happy for him. We hang up the phone, and it was it was great. I was talking to my husband, I filled him in on everything, and so you think times are good, right? Oh my God, sometimes things are so good that as a person you don't believe they're so good. And I think Scott decided that it was too good to be true because that night at one o'clock in the morning on my door, and I'm like, what's going on? My husband and I are sleeping. We wake up and I look out the window and it's a cop car there, and the police, and I'm like, Oh my god, is there a burglar around? What's going on? Um, you know, did one of my other two children who were here sneak out, get in trouble? And so we open the door and the police come in and they're like, ma'am, we have some bad news. Your son, um Scotty, passed away. And I'm like, oh no. I'm like, Scotty didn't pass away. I'm Scotty's in Florida. You know, I he's living his best life. My, you know, I just, yeah, I just talked to him. Everything is going great for him. He's like, Well, we just got off the phone with the St. Pete police, and um, he died by suicide. And I'm like, there's no way you got the wrong kid. And all of a sudden, the air from my gut, I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach and I doubled over, and I could not, for the life of me, catch my breath.
SPEAKER_00Where was Brad? Where are the kids, the other kids at this point? Was it everybody home?
SPEAKER_02Yes. So everybody was home. Brad was next to me and he was stunned. Um, our other two children were sleeping, you know. So uh, you know, it was 1 a.m. and maybe they had just gone to bed or whatever, but I just couldn't believe it. So they had me verify it, and I had to get on the phone and call down to Florida and verify what they were telling me was true and find out the next steps. And I just I couldn't process it. I just I felt like bad dream. Oh my God. I felt like shattered, like every piece of me was just gone. Like it's trauma, but in the worst shape. Like you just feel like you're in a million pieces, and I couldn't catch my breath. I just, it was just such a pain, like you can't even imagine. Nor should you ever imagine. Let's let's be clear about that. So the police finally left, and my husband and I just clung to each other and we just held on. And we, you know, I I just I realized right then and there that we had to tell his siblings because this is not something that we're gonna go full asleep and wake up and be like, oh, it's a new no. So we go upstairs and we wake them up and we told them what happened, and we all just huddled and cried together. And it was crazy because one of the kids told me, you know what, mom? It's really strange because I just dreamt that Scotty was with me here in my room. I felt he was here and he said goodbye. And I was like, oh my gosh. And so what I've come to learn is that when you're a multiple, a triple, you're a twin. I'm a twin. You share a soul, yeah. And and that soul is part of a soul contract that we all come down with way in the afterlife. And um, and so it was Scotty's way of sending a message, and and one of the kids felt that message.
SPEAKER_00Wow, that's powerful. Oh my gosh. And this is the really difficult part, right? Because you're going through your own stuff. Yeah, your husband's going through it, but you still have these two other kids that you have to support through it, and they're so young. Uh how do you do it? What I mean, how do you really like how do you do it? How do you where do you go from here? How do you pick up the pieces, move forward? And there's it's such a process, you know. You got to claim the body, then funeral, services, family, etc.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So, you know, when you go through life, you know, you never plan for losing a child. Losing a parent, you you expect, maybe losing a spouse, that's possible, you know. But a child, it's it's just inconceivable. And how does something like this happen? I mean, we were good people, Carl. Like we we live clean lives there. You just don't expect this to happen. And I realized then and there that I needed to be a phoenix. I needed to pick myself up from the ashes, and I needed to emerge from this devastation because I needed to be strong for Brad and for my other two kids, and I needed to be the glue that holds us together because it's so easy to just let it all go. But that's not in my DNA. I need to be strong, and I I was mad, I was mad at Scott for a long time for putting us in this position because we talked all the time. If he needed anything, he always knew he could reach out to us. He was such a clever guy. If he liked would get in trouble down at school and they'd take his cell phone away, he knew how to call me on the internet. He was just, you know, anything he needed. Mom, they took my phone away, but I'm okay, you know. But he didn't do it. He felt, and I learned this from the from the letters he left behind, um, he felt he ruined his life. And he felt that um, even though he just got all of this good stuff going on, it was a one last party. And uh he invited a bunch of his suite mates um because he just got a single room to his room, and they came in and they were smoking stuff, and I think mushrooms, and not that you smoke mushrooms, but whatever, it's a new thing. And they got in trouble. Now he didn't smoke, apparently, but his friends did, so he got in trouble with them all. And so I guess he felt that he just ruined his entire life, and that self-loathing that showed up when he took the car came back tenfold, and he didn't want to um he never wanted to hurt us, but I don't think he saw any other way out. And I was mad at him because I know that he made a permanent solution for a temporary problem. And I also realized that I was the glue that was gonna hold my family together. Wow, and we were gonna move forward just one step at a time. And to your point, planning a funeral, dealing with all of that stuff. It's a lot, it's it's a lot, but it also helped me because it kept my monkey mind busy and didn't let me dwell on the what-ifs and go down the rabbit holes or you know, did I do the wrong thing sending him to school? I mean, your mind plays so many tricks on you, and and you always second guess every decision you've ever made, and you really question your parenting skills. And lucky for me, that going through all of the things you have to go through, I wasn't alone. I had a community. The community we built in Connecticut, they were amazing. And we had friends and family that came together and wrapped us in their love. And more than that, I mean, they were just a revolving door of dropping groceries and food and just holding space for us. And the school came together, and I mean, it was junior year for my kids. I mean, college applications and exams, and they said, listen, take off time and mourn. You're not going to be penalized for this, you know. Right. You just need to do whatever you need to do to heal. And that meant so much to us. Um, my priest, oh my gosh, Father Paul, he and I would sit for hours talking about the afterlife and and what it meant, and and and just sharing stories about um just just growing and and being kind. And um it was just amazing, you know, because when you're suffering or you go through trauma, it's like carrying around a 300-pound weight on your shoulders. But imagine if someone else is willing to help share that burden with you and carry some of the weight. Yeah, oh my God, it makes such a difference. So people came over and they would help us put together poster boards for the funeral with all the photos that we had of the family, and they would sit and they would bring wine and we would talk and we would tell Scott stories, and his friends would come and they would share stories and the letters and the cards that came pouring in with tributes about how awesome he always was. It just warmed your heart, you know, and and it helped, it helped us heal little by little. But you know, it's funny. My kid said, you know, I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm in an abyss. And is this pain ever gonna stop? And you know, my husband is so amazing. He says, he goes, you know, he goes, think about it this way. He says, imagine that you just got cut by a giant knife, like a machete across your arm, and it's like gushing and bloody, and it hurts like hell. He's like, but eventually, you know, you're gonna, it's gonna heal. It's gonna, you know, either get stitches and it's gonna get a giant scab, and it's still gonna be sore, and it's gonna, you know, leave a scar, but it's not gonna hurt like it did initially with all the blood pouring out, but you'll always have that reminder, that scar there. And I've learned that some of us wear our scars on the outside, right, and some of us wear them on the inside.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's uh quite a story. Um I can't even imagine. Um so from this deep place of hurt, yeah, you discovered a purpose. Oh gosh, which has led you here. Yes. So tell us about the book and why you're doing the radio show and what your hopes are.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. Okay, so I gotta take a step back. Okay, so you know, we all heal differently, we all grieve differently, we all have our own ways of doing things. And for me, I know it sounds weird, but I needed to know that Scott was okay. And so I had to um, I know, I mean, I know he was on the other side, I know he passed, but I had to go talk to healers and mediums and and and my priest and try and get some kind of sign from Scott. And boy, did Scott send me signs. So I would go to a healer, and the healer would tell me, Oh, yeah, Scott is sending you messages. He, you know, because it was the first Christmas, okay? And I was just devastated. And I said, you know, I don't know. What do I do? Do I hang the stockings? Do I not hang the stockings? What do I do? And the healer said, Okay, let's ask Scott what he thinks. And he said, Oh, yeah, I want you to hang my stocking. And I want a present too. A present? You're in heaven. What could you possibly need? And so she said he said he wants underwear, SpongeBob underwear, to be specific.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, okay, that's just weird. That makes no sense at all.
SPEAKER_02Okay, fine. So I go about my day, I leave my session, I'm feeling like, okay, I'm taking care of my mom who's elderly, driving on stuck on traffic on 95. And I'm thinking about what she said. And I realize that when I buried Scott, I, you know, had this cute little short sleeve button-down that he always loved, pair of shorts with pelicans on them, sunglasses on his head, flip-flops on his feet. But you know what I forgot?
SPEAKER_00His underwear. I did.
SPEAKER_02So it was Scott's way of needling me and saying, Mom, I'm okay. I'm here, and you forgot my underwear, so I'm commando in heaven. So, besides that, I went through other types of healing processes. I did a narrative healing, which is writing. So I would write letters to Scott and I would pour out all my feelings. And in this process, I realized that Scott left me a gift. Scott used to write that poetry, I told you about it. Right. And I had all his poems. He used to write me poems all the time. He actually made me a book of poetry uh for one Mother's Day. And I was like, oh my gosh. And as I went through it and I reread it all, it was like his own story, his own letters of his adolescence. And I decided, I said, you know, I said, wouldn't this be amazing if I take the letters that I poured my heart out to him in and I combine it with his poetry and I put it together with our stories and the tributes that poured in and made a book. And for for everyone out there to see what it what we went through, and and maybe it would help them heal or you know, give them a lifeboat, like like I was given. And so I've written the book now. I'm in the process. I'm gonna get it edited, I'm gonna publish it as soon as I can.
SPEAKER_00And the name of the book?
SPEAKER_02It's called SOS, stands for Spirit of Scotty. Nice, and it's lessons on love, loss, and survival.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_02And when I wrote that book, we had been talking, and you said, you have to come on the show. It's Suicide Awareness Month. This is last year. And so I I did, and your uh co-host or your the owner of the show, the beautiful Marlene Cruz, yes, said SOS. That's the name of my radio show here. This this is meant to be, you know. Um, we're gonna have to build something together. Right. And that's how SOS Stories of Survivors was born.
SPEAKER_00Right. Why is it so important to get Scott's message out there? And what would you tell parents to be aware of? You know, because sometimes as parents, we we think our kids are good, right? Like, hey, we just had this great phone call, everything's okay, and suddenly it's not. So, what what are some of the things that parents need to be aware of? What is the message, the real message you're hoping to get out there?
SPEAKER_02No, know your kid. I mean, I knew my kid, um, but I I don't think there was anything I could have done differently. But here's the deal: if your kid is struggling, take them out of that situation. Um, or help them figure out ways and solutions to get through that solution together. Make sure they know they're not alone. Um talk, talk, talk to the children. They need to know that that they have you. And no matter what is going on in their lives, that there is nothing that you can't get through together. If it means taking a year off from school, if it means working instead of going to school, that's fine. You'll figure out the solution together. Um, and that together as a family, as a unit, you can get through anything. Because knowing that you're not alone when you're struggling, I think is one of the strongest and most valuable things you have. Like I said, that 300-pound weight. If two other people are helping and that pound is now only 100, yeah, it's more manageable. And the reason why I'm doing this is because Scott, although he's he's passed on, his spirit is alive and well. And he is here and he I feel him surrounding me with his love. And he wants you to know that although he made this decision, this is not a decision that you should take lightly, and no one should have. To go through what I'm going through, and it's it's horrible, it really is a horrible, horrible way to um cherish your child, and so I am doing this show because I want to share my love of my son, I want his memory and his spirit to live on. But more importantly, if I can help one person, one person realize that it's not worth it to do that, no matter how much you think your life is ruined, it's not. You have a purpose. You may not know what it is. I didn't know what mine is, but I know my soul's purpose now. And my purpose is to be here and to talk to each and every one of you and tell you what my story is and share my story of survival.
SPEAKER_00Wow. So what else can people expect? Because it's not going to be all about suicide. There's other things that people are learning about survival, right? And so you so tell us on a broad basis, like what can we expect? What kind of guests will you have, and how will we benefit or heal from it?
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh. So I'm gonna be creating a safe place to share stories, you know, there's it's a platform. And that's why I'm so excited about this because we can talk about not only grief, trauma, sexual assault, divorce, infertility, merging families, losing parents, aging parents. I mean, the list goes on and on on the topics that we can talk about battling cancer, surviving near-death experiences. But more than that, just talking about how you get through it and how you get through that storm and emerge on the other side stronger and more resilient with hope. And then I'm also planning on having um healers and mediums and coaches and people who can impart the wisdom of professionalism because I don't have a degree in this, my degree is in finance, but other people do, and they are so knowledgeable and so willing to help us learn and become the best version of ourselves.
SPEAKER_00Wow, that's tremendous. That's awesome. And and when will your book come out? Uh, is there a way for people to get it? Do you have a website? Like, how do people kind of get in touch with you if somebody's interested in uh coming on the show? Like tell us a little bit more.
SPEAKER_02So, yeah, so I have a website. It's www.serenadansker.com, S-E-R-I-N-A, D A N S K E R dot com. And my book is finished, written, but I still have to go through editing and publishing. So it's going to be ready as soon as possible. Um, but if you'd like to come on the show and share your story, please reach out to me. I'm also on Instagram under s.mdsker. Um, you can find me on Facebook under Serena Dansker. I'm here on the website on SOS Stories of Survivors. You can contact me through the channel here. I would love, love to hear from you guys. Also, if you really like the show and you want to support me, there's a donate button. Feel free to use that as well. And I will be here every week on Sundays at 1:30 with a special guest who's going to share their stories. And some of it is just going to blow you away. I mean, it's just amazing. People are so resilient.
SPEAKER_00Uh yeah. And we have a listener who says, Thank you for sharing your story. How did how did you deal with the pain, discomfort, and emptiness? I was I recently lost a loved one, and it's so hard. Does it get better? Everyone tells me to move on, but it's very hard for me.
SPEAKER_02Oh my God, I I feel you. And I and you know, everyone deals with grief and trauma differently. You know, what I've learned is initially when I would go through trauma in my life, I would drink a lot of wine and try and fill that void with self-sabotage. But I've learned the best way is to fill that emptiness with love, especially self-love. And if you have a friend or a family member or a pet or you need to get a pet, you need to fill that void with love because that's the best way to heal. And moving on, you're never gonna move on, but you can move forward. You're always gonna love that person, and that person is always gonna be surrounding you their energy. Because what I've learned is grief is love with no place to go. So you have all this. Yeah, grief with love with no place to go. So take that love and pour it into maybe a project that they that they enjoyed, or start a fundraiser in their honor. Maybe if they died from an illness, you can support the cures for it, or if it was from suicide, you could do a walk. Um, but do something that's gonna fill that void with love. And you know, people mean well, but they don't always understand or know the best way to talk to you when you're struggling. And for me, from year one, I'm going on year four now that Scotty's passed, and it's a big difference. I'm able to talk about it more, it helps me heal. I write all the time, I do things to fill that void with love and to keep his memory alive because it means a lot to me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and that's so important for people to understand because grieving is different for everyone. Some people are more outwardly displayed, some people more internally displayed. And I think what you're saying about finding a purpose, I know that helped me when my best friend died, uh, is is really relevant. Uh, and if you can find that purpose and fill that void with love, I think you'll it'll heal. It'll help with a lot of healing, right? And and on top of that, I would say find a support group. You know, I don't know if you guys did that or if you could talk about that, but sure. Find a group of people that really can relate and understand because I think it's really important to understand that you're not going through this alone.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. So, like I said, we all grieve differently, we heal differently. For my husband, he talked to his friends and he would go out and he would talk to me, and he would put himself through working a lot and bury himself in the work because that's how he dealt with it, you know. And as long as I was doing okay and the kids were okay, he was able to move forward one step at a time. For me, like I said, I needed to, I needed to know he was okay. So I go to retreats and I didn't go to your traditional therapist, but I would go and I would learn, you know, all about the afterlife and and what it and what signs are out there and what the future is for all of us, you know, when we leave this life. And I would talk to people who had near-death experiences and what they felt when they were on the other side and they came back. Or I would go and go to healers who would use their energy and clean my energy and give me back my strength that I needed. Um, my children, one of them went to a therapist and the other one went to church and talked to their priest and prayed a lot and went and spoke to other youths about how um suicide is more and more prevalent amongst the younger people today because of all the pressure and the stress that they're under. And that's not only that that the schools are putting on them, but the children are putting on themselves. It's different today than it was when we went to school. You know, you apply to college, you know, if you had the money, you pretty much got into most colleges, you know, within reason. Today, it's doggy dog and it's really hard, and they feel this pressure to be successful. And um, you know, they need to learn how to breathe and take a break and know it's gonna be okay. You're gonna end up where you belong.
SPEAKER_00Wow. I I feel your love and your passion and your desire to serve and help other people. Once again, share with people you know how they can get in touch with you and let them know, you know, about tuning in.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god, yes. So tuning in to SOS Stories of Survivors is here on SOSRadio.live. It's gonna be every Sunday. It's gonna be at 1:30 in the afternoon, Eastern Standard Time. And I'm gonna be here talking to so many wonderful souls and people, their beautiful stories of survival and resilience. And I'm gonna be here to empower you. So I hope you'll join me. You can also follow me on my website, www.serenadansker.com. I have a TikTok account under s.m.dansker. I have Instagram, I'm on Facebook. Um, you can find me in all of these places, and I will have a book out hopefully soon. It'll get finished. Um, and we will be able to share those stories. And oh, you know, I almost forgot. I have a poem that Scott wrote. Yeah, I would love to hear it. And I would love to share it with you guys. It's one of my favorites. And um, okay, it's called kindness, because we should all lead with kindness. So Scotty wrote, Things I associate with the word kindness are also things that make people's lives enlightened. When I commit an act of kindness, I can't stop but feel excitement. The way someone's smile will widen and their face will glow like lightning makes these acts of appreciation really worth trying. It's almost like looking over the horizon, and it creates a sensation of people being united.
SPEAKER_00Wow, that's awesome. I just he's yeah, he he left behind such great wisdom and such great poetry. I mean, I'm excited to read your book because it's in the book.
SPEAKER_02Every poem will be in the book. There's over 26 poems that he wrote. I've written as many letters to him as he's written poems, and the letters that we received from all of his friends talking about how uh he changed their lives and what an inspiration he was. And this is a kid who never thought that he was popular. I'm like, oh my God, there were over a thousand people at his funeral, waiting in the pouring rain to pay their respects to him. I mean, you just don't know. And and we don't always see the full picture. Sometimes we're too close to the tree to see the forest. And if you just step back and breathe and just take in and just appreciate the beauty that you are, it makes such a big difference. You are needed, you are important. Never forget that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you matter, right?
SPEAKER_02Always. Always.
SPEAKER_00So you want to close this out?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I do. I want to close this out by saying thank you. Thank you for joining us today. And I'd love you to remember that SOS is survival. That's what sparks the soul. And please join us next week, 1 30 p.m. right here on SOSradio. Thank you.