Ep. 001 | From Heartbreak to Healing: A Journey of Purpose

In a deeply moving episode of ASCEND, we were honored to host Serina, a former Financial Advisor who has transformed her grief into a mission of hope and healing. After the tragic loss of her 16-year-old son to suicide, Serina found herself on a new path, one that led her to become a Mental Health Advocate dedicated to empowering young adults.

During the episode, Serina shared her son’s life story through his poignant poems, offering listeners a glimpse into his inner world. She spoke candidly about the unimaginable pain of losing a child and how this profound loss propelled her to take action, using her experience to support others. Serina emphasized the importance of checking in with loved ones, truly listening, and providing unwavering support.

Her message was clear: the power of empathy, the necessity of self-forgiveness, and the vital role we all play in ensuring that those around us know they are valued and loved.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Hello everybody and welcome to Ascend. I am SQ Carl Romain. And we I'm here again with my amazing, beautiful, outstanding co-host, the head of SOS Media, Ireland Cruz.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Wow. I mean opened out a little bit. Yeah, it opens out a little bit. That's awesome. I mean, I need you to introduce me all the time.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

You have an outstanding week, but CBS. You're doing things.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

Yeah, thank you so much. And that's a great event yesterday.

SPEAKER_04 0:47

And we have a very important topic today to cover with an amazing guest. Can you talk to us about her?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Well, I have known Serena now for 30 years. I know I don't look like, you know, we don't look our age, but I'm just saying, you know, like we're young people here, but 30 years somehow went by. Yeah. And uh this show is so important. And it's something that Serena and I have talked about doing for a long time. And I'm glad that we're finally getting a chance to do it. And I'm gonna really let her tell the story because it's so important. And if you're a parent out there, this show is critical for you because you need to talk to your children. These are there's some difficult conversations we need to have with our children, and this is one of them. So please pay attention, please take notes. We invite you to join the chat, ask your questions, and uh I think you're really gonna be blessed and just blown away by by everything that happens today.

SPEAKER_04 1:43

Absolutely. So without further ado, let's introduce Marina Dansker.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Welcome to Ascend on SOSradio.live.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Thank you guys, thank you so much for having me. Especially today is the start of Suicide Prevention Month, September 1st. Wow! Yeah, cool.

SPEAKER_04 2:00

I didn't know that. That's that's a great timing. Perfect timing. So give us a little bit of background of yourself, you know. Um tell us a little bit about you and your family and and what happened and what we're here to talk about today.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Sure. I um I grew up in Yonkers, not far from here. I was uh I had my mom was a single mom for most of my life, and uh we didn't have a lot of money, but we had a lot of love. And for a long time it was just her and I, and she worked uh her butt off. And I um as I got older I I worked my butt off too, worked three jobs, put myself through college, and uh ended up going to Iona in New Rochelle, and I got my bachelor's degree, and then I went ahead and I completed my master's degree, and along my journey I fell in love with my good friend's older brother, my husband Brad, and we're actually gonna be married 30 years as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Congratulations, that is so awesome, by the way. Yeah, we'll have to bring him back to talk about relationships. Honestly, they have one of the most beautiful relationships I have ever seen. Wow, that's amazing. For 30 years.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

I mean, it wasn't always easy, I'll tell you. But we uh yeah, good is, right? Okay. We worked hard together. We um we we built our our our marriage and we built our first home and you know, then we wanted to have children. We wanted to fill the house with love. Family's so important, you know. And uh as our other friends were having kids, didn't happen for us.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

You guys were together how long at that point?

SPEAKER_01 3:42

We started at the beginning, we started after a couple of years, so let's say married maybe three, four years, um, five years, six years, seven years, eight years, no children. And so we had talked to doctors and you know, they put you on all these uh fertility drugs, and then they do artificial insemination and I mean the amount of hormones that I was on would make your head spin. I mean, my personality, whoo, crazy, and I'm high energy to begin with, okay? No, so it was crazy, and and but I was lucky because my company that I worked for, they covered all the infertility stuff.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

So Brett and I had a heart to heart, and we said, look, you know, do we continue on this path? Do we just get a dog? What do we do? You know? And I said, you know, I really want to try in vitro because if I don't try everything, I may have regrets later on that I didn't give it my all. So he's like, you know what, let's do it. And if it doesn't happen, it's just you and me against the world, babe. And I said, you know what?

SPEAKER_04 4:46

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Let's let's do it. So we went in, we did the shots and the egg harvesting, and I mean every violated in every way you can even think about. And they were able to to get three embryos. So they implanted three embryos. And not uh. So it was like, oh god. So maybe it's not meant to be. My company now is getting taken over by another company because that's what happens in finance, all the companies merge together, and um they weren't gonna cover the insurance any uh the for the in vitro, but I had one month, one last shot at it, and I had three frozen embryos. So guess what? We put in those three frozen embryos, and those were my triplets.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Isn't that amazing?

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Wow, crazy.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

That's why you can't give up. You know, when you when you start on a path, you have no idea when or how.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

But if you don't give up and you're persistent, it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

God will but you know what the doctor said? They said, I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's a failure. What? That's what I said, exactly the same way. Exactly. So I was like, what are you talking about? And they said, Well, how many babies did you want coming into this? And of course your answer is one. And they said, Well, then don't be selfish, give the one baby a chance and reduce. And I'm like, Well, is there something wrong with the other two that I have to worry? Well, no. I so my husband asked the question, Well, which which would you take? They well, we would take one, we would take the smallest one, which was my daughter, you know, and her came back. And so we're like, Well, we're gonna get a second opinion. And my husband and I looked at each other, and we went to this guy, Dr. Shu, at Westchester Medical Center, and he said, You stick with me, and you will have three healthy babies. Don't listen to them. Because if you reduce, you can actually ruin. That's right. Wow. Oh my god. So that's what we did, and I'll put three healthy babies into the world. Wow!

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Yes, good for you for getting a second opinion, good for you to stick to your guns, good for you for believing.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Absolutely. Wow, that's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Yeah, that's amazing. It was it was good. We felt so blessed, and you know, they hit all the milestones together, they went off. They did kung fu.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

It's funny. Ignorance is bliss. I had never babysat. I had no idea how to change a diaper. It just wasn't on my radar, it wasn't my thing. And um, I learned very quickly. I cried a lot in the beginning. One baby would be crying to be fed, another needed a diaper change, the other one just wanted to be held. Which one do you go to first? You know, Brad's like, bye, you have to work.

SPEAKER_04 7:46

Like, I go crazy with one. Do you imagine with three?

SPEAKER_01 7:53

I mean Yeah, it was definitely a journey, but they did so great, they thrived, and Scott was always the leader, running first, and the other two would be chasing them down, and and then we were in the middle of first grade, and Brad's job changed to from we were a night at the time to Connecticut. So we made this big decision to move and to uproot the kids and start a new life there, and it was a really hard decision because you never know what effect that's gonna have on them, but it turned out to be a really good decision. The kids thrived. They did well in elementary school, middle school, they Lexi was even the superintendent's choice, uh she had the superintendent's award in uh at school, so it was great. And then high school hit. And that was a problem.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

That's when things changed.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

I'd say so. I'd say a lot because you know, remember thinking back to high school, you get your acne, you have body dysmorphia, you know, you're trying to find your friend group, your sport. And I I think for a lot of my my all of my kids actually, they all struggled figuring it out. But for Scott, for some reason, it hit the hardest. Because he was always the center of attention in middle school. He was the always on the floor dancing, he was doing magic tricks, writing music, writing poetry, just doing things that made him happy. His soul shined. He was that light that kind of overshadowed everybody, you know, it was always about him. And he struggled to make friends in high school.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Really? That's ironic. I wouldn't have thought that because he's so outgoing. Right, right? And people who are outgoing seem to make friends easier, no.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

You would think, but the way he said it to me, we used to have candid talks. He'd say, you know what, mom, I'm not the jock, I'm not playing football or lacrosse. I'm not the nerd, I'm not the smartest kid in class and doing, you know, all the the quiz bowls and that. He's like, so who's left for me to hang out with? The druggies? And I gotta tell you, my heart just broke. I mean, they all experimented sometimes doing drugs, but he really wanted to find his people. And so he he did find a sport. He loved wrestling. He loved it. Everything from from, you know, everything about it. Um but it wasn't a popular sport in our sport. And he got bullied a lot. Really? They would steal his bag of all his gear and just take it, throw it away, or God knows what happened to it. And he would be like crushed because everything that he enjoyed was in that bag, and he would be teased a lot. So he finally decided to seek therapy. We went and we um got him a great therapist. He joined the Boy Scouts, he's always part of it, but he got more involved.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

So, how old was he at that time?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

He was about 14 years old. Uh freshman year of high school, and he started to make friends then, and he started to find his people. He started to write poetry to get his feelings out. One of his therapists told him about that. Um, he'd go on these camping trips with the Boy Scouts to the Naval Academy, West Point. Um, and he thrived. He loved it. He was like in the leadership positions in the Boy Scouts and really wanted to make something of that, maybe become an Eagle Scout. And so he um he he was doing well for a while. And then he came to me that summer and he says, You know what, Mom? I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I said, You do? It's like, yeah. It's like I want to be a military guy, I want to be a lawyer, and I want to join like the Navy or the Army, and I want to be a career military guy for like 20 years, and then I'm gonna get my pension, and I'm gonna take that pension and live off of that. I'm gonna go out and buy one of those Volkswagen vans, and I'm gonna jog, and I'm gonna park by the beach, and I'm gonna I'm gonna carve surfboards and skateboards, and I'm gonna sell them and just live my dream. And I'm like, oh my god, who in 14 years old?

SPEAKER_04 12:11

I mean, that's what I was gonna say. That's such that's clarity of what he wants and in such a way that you know how long, what exactly, then I'm gonna do this, then that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

It was unbelievable. So then I was like, okay, well, it's slow down here. And he's like, I said, so okay, so you want to go to that. I said, it's really hard to get into the Naval Academy or West Point. Those are not easy schools. He's like, well, so I'm thinking, maybe I go to a military boarding school, which is like a feeder into them. And I'm like, whoa, wait a second. So you want to leave the posh house you have, the great school, the friends you made, and you want to go to a military school? Really? And he's like, Yeah, because I actually like the structure. And I could see that because you love the Boy Scouts and all of that. So that summer we did a lot of soul searching, a lot of research, and we went to checked out a bunch of schools in the area, and we actually found a military school down in Florida that was more like a country club. It had scuba diving and sailing. Oh wow. And but it it you could actually become a pilot, get your pilot's license or um all sorts of things. And it was uh it started, I think, in military school, but it went up to the high school level. And it was great. We found it and so we applied and he got accepted.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

How did he how did he enjoy it? Did he did he fall in love with it? I mean, it sounds like a great experience, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Right. Because, you know, he was it was a new it was a new environment for him. So he got to be Scott again, and he was always laughing and the center of attention. They didn't believe that it was his first year there when he started in the sophomore year. They thought he's been there for years because of how his personality was so big.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Did he make friends?

SPEAKER_01 14:03

He made a lot of friends. Um he um So he found his tribe. He found his tribe, he was doing great, but just like anything, you know, when you when you're looking for trouble, trouble can always find you again. So some of the things that he got in trouble for at school up here, he was experimenting with down there. But the difference was it's a military school, so it wasn't me grounding him or taking his phone away. No, no, no, no. Oh, he had to do a hundred push-ups, yeah, or a hundred sit-ups, or for two weeks he had to clean the latrines. And you would think that would have turned him off and called me and said, I'm coming home. Not Scott, no, he thrives. He's like, I'm on latrine journey, I hope it ends. But I'm doing the best I can. So I was happy for him. I really was. He was doing really well. He was thriving in the environment.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

So he settled in, he's making friends, he's having a good time, even if he's getting in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

What happened? Yeah, where did it turn?

SPEAKER_01 15:05

COVID. The pandemic. So it was March of his sophomore year, right? We're getting close to the end of the school year, everything shut down. And at the time, even schools in Florida shut down too. And so he found himself back home in his room. All his friends that he had originally made, they moved on or were with other friends. So he was alone. His classes that he had, they weren't like where we lived, where they were doing them hybrid like Zoom calls. They would just give him a worksheet with work and he had to submit it. So he was doing all this work himself. If he had a question, he would have to email the teacher and they would respond. But it was so difficult. Yeah. And he was lonely.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

But I have to ask this question, though. I'm a twin.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

It's very hard to be lonely as a twin because you always have your twin, right? Like, and he's got two of them.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

Well, his brother and his sister were doing their school stuff. They had their friends, and you know as they built their own world. As even as a twin or a triple, you do like your own space. Don't get me wrong. We had meals together, we did barbecues, we would hang out. But there are times when you're alone. And so Scott, in true Scott fashion, he was looking for a an outlet. So we went on LinkedIn and he was 15 years old, and he found uh a job at the local garden center. Okay. He applied and he got it. You know, he was a strong guy, you know, he could lift bags of mulch. He liked to get his hands dirty, and he loved it. So by day from nine to five, he worked at the garden center. Wow at night. He did his schoolwork. In his free time, he continued writing his music and his poetry. Wow. And he would fall back in with some of his older friends, you know, that he had run into at the garden center when they were going to visit with their parents.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

So he started striving again.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Yeah, he turned lemons into lemonade, man.

SPEAKER_00 17:13

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

It's uh it's pretty cool. And and we were grateful, you know. We were we were lucky, I guess, that summer because they were fifth six they just turned sixteen, so they can get their permits. And so now they were practicing driving. He was making good money, and the other kids became lifeguards. And so outdoor activities were okay at the time, and you know, in small groups you can gather. So we made it work. It was it was good. And then one day my um girlfriend invited us as a family to her house for a barbecue. And Scott's like, you know what, Mom? I'd love to go, but I'm tired. I've been working my butt off. School's got me just crazy. I'm trying to prepare for when we go back. Do you mind if I sit this one out? Like, oh honey, that's okay. You stay home, you know. You earned it. So turns out, you know, he he stayed home. We went off to the barbecue. 30 minutes in, I get this frantic call from Scott. Mom, mom, I really messed up. I'm like, oh no, he broke the house down. What happened? He's like, I stole the car and I crashed it. What what what what car the car we bought for when you get your license? You stole where did you go? I went down to the next town and I went to see my friends, and I was pulling into a parking spot and everything went great. And they carry it came in the car, and I'm like, wait, wait, wait. He goes, and I pulled out and I and I hit the car next to me. I said, Okay, are you still there? I'll I'll come. He's like, No, no, no, I'm on the highway. You're on the highway. You're calling me from the highway. I will meet you at the house. Hang up the phone right now. So I go, I run to the house, I see him, the car is all dented in the front. He's like shaking because he's so scared. Because, you know. Right. I so I got the full story. So he goes there, he goes to show up to his friends that he's driving. And his friends all get in the car and they're all laughing because they're going for a joy ride, right? And then he pulls out, and I did the same thing when I was young and inexperienced. Hit the car next to you because you're not looking in front, you're just looking behind, right? He was so scared that he pulled back in and hit the car again. No one got hurt, thank God. But his friends are smart. They jumped out and ran. I mean so Scott, the brilliant man that he is, decided to leave too. So he drove and he got on the highway. So I said, okay, we need to go back. Right. You need to write a note because someone was in the car, it's parked, and tell them what happened. Leave your phone number, my phone number, and tell them you're gonna, you know, make good on this. So we go back there, and it was during um a riot time, I think it was um Black Lives Matter. Yeah. And we went there and it was like a lot of traffic, a lot of people out and about, and the Scott went to leave the note on the car. And as he did, the guy who owned the car was sitting in it. He was waiting for the police to come. Scott jumped and he said, Oh my god, mom, he's in the car. So I walked with him there, and he rolled down the window and I explained to him, sir. My son was inexperienced. I'm so sorry. He says, Well, I'm waiting for the police to come um to file a report. Uh, he was waiting probably about a half an hour at that point. Just at that moment, the police showed up. And I was explaining to the man that please let us handle this away from the police. He's a new driver, he didn't know what he was doing, and this guy turned out to be such a great guy. He told the police, I I think I'm okay, sir. We're gonna handle this on our own. Wow. And Scott got lucky that's a good thing. Wow. Wow. They allowed that. So what happened? The police because remember, they were distracted. You had Black Lives Matter going on. He had no time to deal with the little fender bender from the kid and this man. So Scott told this man that whatever it cost to fix his car, he had worked that summer and he would pay for everything. And do you know every penny that he made?

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

But it was a good life lesson for him. It was. It did give him PTSD though. He had a lot of self-loathing for what he did. You know, he really had a lot of remorse and he never did get his driver's license where his brother and sister continued on that path.

SPEAKER_04 21:32

He So it did affect him in a way. Oh, it did. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

It did.

SPEAKER_04 21:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Um I think we were talking before about that. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I know when I do the forgiveness exercise with people, they you know, there's two sides to it. One side is the people you need to forgive, and the other side is forgiving yourself. And the list that's always longest is forgiving yourself.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

You never you never think to forgive yourself, but because it's the hardest person to forgive, because for some reason we all think we're perfect. Perfect, and we're far from it, man. You know, and it's it's it's really it's hard to be vulnerable like that and say, give yourself grace. Yeah, you are not perfect, you're on a journey, you know.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

So so so so what happened next? So like he so he goes through this, now he's in a space where he's like upset with himself, his confidence is low, is he depressed? He is he still seeing his therapist?

SPEAKER_01 22:25

He was he's seeing a new therapist at this time. Um, and what happened was he was writing his poetry, he was trying to figure things out, but thank goodness school reopened down in Florida. So where it was so closed up here and they were so hybrid, down there he was able to go back. Right because that was the distraction he needed. Yeah. And it's junior year, so junior year, you have a lot going on, and he really realized how hard it is to get into the Naval Academy in West Point and any of those other military academies. So he had to step up his educational game. He went with um AP classes, signed up for like three or four. I'm like, that's crazy, you know, that's a lot of work. He's like, I got this. And then his Boy Scouts, he had to become the patrol leader if he ever wanted to make Eagle, so he had to run everything and try and get his Eagle project approved. And so he worked his butt off, and his Eagle Project finally got approval. It was so cool. He wanted to build a fire pit at the school, a place where all the kids who, after a hard day, can gather and have conversations and just hang out and just be real with one another, talk about their days, make some s'mores, you know. Wow. Do you imagine? I mean, it was so cool. And it's a lot because you have to get the school's approval, you know. It was a waterfront school, so it was a perfect location. So he called me that day, and we were talking about his next steps. He was gonna raise money through GoFundMe. He had it all planned out. Like he was so funny, and he was in such a great mood, celebratory, and it was awesome. I was so excited for him and so proud of him.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

And he was turning his pain into purpose. Yes, he literally was.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Yeah, but you know, sometimes when things are going so great, we have a self-destruct button, or I call it my self-sabotage button, and it showed up for Scott once again. So that night, at about one o'clock in the morning, there was a knock at the door. And my husband and I were like, what the heck is going on? You know? So we look out the window and this police car. And all I could think of, oh my god, something must have happened to my mother. She's elderly, it's COVID, she's living alone. So we go downstairs, and the police come in, and I was wondering, maybe it's an intruder, right? You know, or did did one of Scott's siblings try and go out and have fun this night? It's not their character, but you know, Scotty's in Florida.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

And you talked to him that day?

SPEAKER_01 25:26

I talked to him hours ago about how excited he was for this this eagle project, and and it was like gonna be great. And the police said, Mr. and Mrs. Danster, we regret to inform you that your son Scott has died by suicide. What? No, you know, uh I'm sorry. You have got the wrong family, you know, there must be a different Scott, you know, I he's in Florida, not here, you know, can't be me. They said, Well, we got a call from the St. Pete police, and he um, I need you to call them and verify what happened. I didn't want to call. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they said, Well, we can't leave until you verify the details. I just wanted to collapse and just shut down. I was in denial, of course.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Where where was Brad at this time?

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Next to me, you know, talking to just he was numb. So I call the St. Pete's police, they get the sergeant on duty, and they verified that Scott Dansker died by suicide at school that night.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Just take a moment.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

I felt like I was sucker punched. I started a hyperventilate. My world shattered. I didn't know what to do. I grabbed onto the Nair's chair and I just started to breathe. I think Brad let the cops out because I was seeing stars.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

And where were the other kids?

SPEAKER_01 27:07

They were sleeping. It was one o'clock in the morning.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

At home with you.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Yes. So at that moment, I realized I needed to gather my strength because this wasn't just about me. I had to protect them and uh my husband. So we went up to their bedrooms and I woke them and I told them that their brother passed. And it was crazy because one of them said, you know, I just felt like I woke up a little while ago. I felt him here. And it was we just all huddled together and cried the whole night. It was it was it was a night I'll never forget. And I realized that I had to be strong for them. Because we needed to get through this together. I didn't know how, I had no plan, but I knew that I was the glue. And if we were gonna move forward, we had to take it one step at a time.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

No, it's okay. I'm I'm yeah, I'm feeling it too.

SPEAKER_04 28:25

I'm like Yeah, yeah, that's that's that's strong. That's so strong, that's very intense.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Yeah, that's a lot, you know, and having known your children. Like, I remember you getting pregnant, I remember how the struggles, the conversations we had about it.

SPEAKER_04 28:41

Yeah, how important it was. Now, as a parent, speaking to those parents that are watching, that you know, it maybe are going through certain things, or what is your advice as to how to deal with that? One with the news, two with the pain, right? And three with the having to pick yourself up and continue your life because you have family and two other kids. Like that's easier said than done, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Well, yeah, it God. I give a lot of credit to our community because thankfully, as I was trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul, I didn't have to do it alone.

SPEAKER_04 29:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

In the days that followed, our community came together. They brought food, they brought groceries, they brought wine. They wrapped us in their love and surrounded us at a time when we needed it the most. They came over and helped me put together picture boards for the funeral that was coming. They helped us write the obituary, talk to the people that we needed to let know that that may not have been aware. Um, you know, grief is love with no place to go.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

That's power of it again.

SPEAKER_01 30:16

Grief is love with no place to go. And a child, anybody that that passes, there's so much emotion that you have for them. And our kids, you know, were trying to get back into school, but but they were struggling. And they said to me and my husband, are we always gonna be in this much pain?

SPEAKER_00 30:41

How did you guys keep it together? Like, like, honestly, because like husband, like, like just as a couple to go through it, right? Like, you're you're both feeling pain in different ways, you're experiencing it in different ways. You you know, there's there's the denial stage, there's the anger stage, you know, like you're far from acceptance at this point. Like, this is brand new, this is fresh. So, you know, a lot of people, you know, couples may point fingers at each other at this time, it's your fault, it's your why didn't you know? How can you talk to them do that? Like, yeah, how did you guys have two other kids?

SPEAKER_01 31:15

Like, how did you guys so I think one of them I'm so grateful for marrying the man that I did because we have a relationship that we were friends, and he's my best friend, and always has been. And together we have different strengths, we still have different strengths. We we we are like yin and yang, and where he's strong, I'm not so much, and where I'm strong, he's not so much, and the healing that needs to go on, and we all do it differently. Brad heals from talking with his friends. I healed from going on with um my church and through uh meditation and healers. My kids heal through therapy and church.

SPEAKER_04 32:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

But my husband came up with one of the best analogies for what we were going through, and I'd like to share it with you. Absolutely. So if you think about grief and you think about all the pain that's pouring out of you, it's kind of like imagine being sliced by a machete in your arm. A huge gash is gonna form and it's gonna be bleeding like crazy, right? And it's gonna hurt like hell. And you know, it takes a while to stop it from bleeding. But eventually it's gonna stop bleeding. You might need stitches, and it's still gonna hurt, and it's gonna be sore, and it's gonna always be tender, and eventually it'll form a scar, and that scar will always be there, yeah. And when you look in the mirror, you're gonna see that scar and it's gonna bring back the memories, but it's not gonna be as bad as it is today, yeah, and you will have joy in your life again. It's just gonna be different. Your body's still there, it's just a little different. It's got a scar on it now, and some of us wear our scars on the outside, and some wear them on the inside. And I thought that was a really great way for to explain to them.

SPEAKER_04 33:30

Absolutely, that's a good analogy. That's a very good analogy. Um, are there things that we as parents or family or community can do after you have gone through such you know traumatic experience looking back now? Are there things that we can do as a community, as a family to help people that are that find themselves in this situation?

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Absolutely. You know, it's funny at the funeral there are like almost a thousand people lined up in the pouring rain to pay their respects to us and to Scott. And the only thing I can think about, you know, I didn't need consoling, I needed to get a message out.

SPEAKER_04 34:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

A message out to those young people that Scott made a decision. It wasn't a decision I would make. He made this decision because he felt self-loathing or fear of whatever trouble he was in again, and he didn't want to hurt us, which is kind of ironic really. And I needed to let them know that he made a permanent decision for a temporary problem. Yeah. And by doing and making the choice that he made, it hurt us far more than any trouble he would ever get into.

SPEAKER_04 34:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

And so I wanted to send that message to them. And as parents and as our community, it's so important to talk about it. Mental health, mental wellness. People say, Oh, I didn't know he was so depressed. I'm like, he was no more depressed than you or I on a bad day, or going through losing a job, or you know, failing a test, or just being so hard on yourself for whatever reason. Sure, did he do things kids do, try pot or try alcohol? We've all been there, we've all done that. But at that moment in time, he his his soul was ready to ascend, he was ready to move on. And whatever decision he made, he made that was his journey. And I think if we can open the doors to talking to our children, to have a class maybe at schools, not just, oh, go see the guidance counselor about your sex education. No, no, no, no. Let's talk about how you deal with all of these emotions. Oh, all the kids are making fun of you. Oh, you're on social media and you see that all your friends went to a party, every one of them were there, but you weren't invited. How do you deal with that? Yeah, they're making strides. Finally, it needs to be talked about. Yeah. You know, growing up, I'm so grateful social media wasn't around to report every bad thing we ever did.

SPEAKER_04 36:29

Yes. I just there's a lot of pressure in this uh this current time that we're living in. You know, there is not only the social pressures, the bullying, the, you know, I need to kind of have my own identity kind of thing, right? But there's also what you mentioned, the social media that is out open for the world to watch.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

And there's something else too. There's people going through COVID. The whole world socially is separated. You know, they they say if you take a baby and you separate it from people, it it it loses something mentally, right? It hurts them. So imagine what it did to people, and especially people who needed to be around other people socially.

SPEAKER_04 37:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

Right? That disconnect is something that we should be talking about more often. Because young people especially experience this social disconnect, right? And and it's it's still here. It's still here. And parents, if you're having this conversation, you really need to have this conversation. I hope you'll play this back, you'll think about what to say, and maybe you'll sit and watch this episode with your children. Because this is a super important topic, and we really don't know what we don't know. We don't know what somebody's thinking. We don't know what somebody's going through. We can relate to it, but how do we know? You know, I work in mental health, I speak to people every day, and I never know. You never know when somebody's making a choice or a decision that they're not really communicating fully to you. You have an idea, you can see that somebody's hurting, but you you really don't know.

SPEAKER_04 38:08

Yeah, yeah. What are some of the misconceptions that you can share with us?

SPEAKER_01 38:15

I mean, I'm just a mom. I don't I don't have a back my background in finance, but I can tell you from my experience and what I've gone through is that it literally takes a village for these kids. And inclusion is so important. It I think that the rate of suicide in young people skyrocketed during COVID and in the the years following COVID. It was like crazy. It's like we all are carrying around this huge burden, this huge weight. And in the days and the weeks and the months that followed Scott's passing, my community still checked in on us. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

That's really great.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

At the beginning, they kept checking, and that's what you need to do. It's like if you see a friend going through a bad day, it's great that you say, hey, what's going on? They say, Oh no, I'm okay, I just failed my test. And then you move on and life goes on. No, no, no, no. Check back. Say, hey, did you talk to the teacher about that? Nobody needs you to solve their problems, but maybe you tell them a little bit about what you went through, and maybe that can shed some light and say, Hey, I know you went through a hard time. Let's go and go to the library together, and maybe, you know, we'll study together tonight, or or let's go and go, you know, to the movies or to the mall, and let's go shop or and especially your friend that's the strongest, check in on them.

SPEAKER_04 39:44

Yes. Yeah. We we've spoken about this.

SPEAKER_00 39:47

Yeah, always check in on them. And I know there's a comment in the uh in the chat.

SPEAKER_04 39:52

Yeah. It's more traumatic than we like to believe.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

So please put your comments in the chat. Please ask questions. Please join in this important conversation.

SPEAKER_04 40:03

Absolutely. If you have any questions or anything to share, um I invite it.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

I tell you that it our community was there for us. We felt like we had this huge weight, this burden on our shoulders, and by them checking in, it lifted the burden. It helped, even just for a little while, because when you ask for help, it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and courage. And if you're there helping, that's bravery because you're showing how much you care. And it's not like you're taking the burden onto yourself, because it's not your burden, you're just helping someone relieve theirs, and together it makes such a difference.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

So, so you never get over this. Why are you sharing this story? Why are you doing what you're doing as a mental health advocate? Why are you doing it? Because this brings it all back for you, right? It brings it back for your kids, it brings it back for your husband. Talk to us. Like, why?

SPEAKER_01 41:10

Well, I I think I think it's part of self-love. I think one of my favorite quotes from a book by um, it's a picture book. It's called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. I know you think I'm crazy. Charlie Maxie wrote this book, and someone left it in my mailbox during this time I was going through. Oh wow! I mean, amazing. He sends a message, and in the message, I think one of my favorite quotes is I think it's time to start loving yourself. And in the book, the mole asks the boy, So what do you want to be when you grow up? And the boy says, kind. And I think it's time that we focus on being kind. Kind to each other, but kind to ourselves. And I think now, it with this month being suicide prevention month, and the statistics show that every year over a million people attempt suicide, and over 40,000 are successful. I don't want that to be a statistic anymore.

SPEAKER_04 42:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

I want that to be no, you know, nothing. I want to change the way we view mental health, mental wellness. And although I don't have a degree in it, I have passion and I have resilience and I have a story.

SPEAKER_04 42:38

Absolutely, and a powerful story, and and it really takes a lot of courage for you to share it. So I want to thank you for sharing your story, for being brave enough to give that gift to the world and to others, because by sharing information and sharing your experience, you're able to help a lot of people that may that statistics that means that there's a lot of people out there that are may not say it but are going through it.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Absolutely. And you know, I I tell you, for me for healing personally, books help me. I read a book by Anna Ramonde called Conversations with Mary, and it taught me how to meditate, how the afterlife is a thing, and it's there, and to believe and to trust and to have faith. And for me, my healing, I didn't go to a therapist traditionally. I went to healers and I went to mediums, and I struggled a lot, especially around the first Christmas, because I have triplets. And that first Christmas I talked to my healer and she said, How can I help you? And I said, Well, I said, you know, with the triplets, I've always hung their stockings, you know, on the mantle together. What do I do? Do I hang the three stockings? Do I only hang two? Is it too much to I don't want to be, you know, send a message, you know? And she said, Well, she was a medium too. She said, Well, let's ask Scott what what he thinks. And I'm like, Okay, sure, you know, I'm open to all of this. And so he came back and he said, Oh yeah, I want you to hang my stocking. And she's like, Okay, and he said, Oh, and he says he wants a gift, too. And I'm like, A gift? He's in heaven. What could he possibly need as a gift? I said, All right, you know. She looks at me and she gives me this sideway look. She's like, he says he wants underwear. And I'm like, okay, this is stopping his typical crazy self. So I go about my day afterwards, and I'm just stuck in traffic on 95 as always, and I'm thinking about it. And it dawns on me. I did a closed casket at the funeral, but I did dress him in these cute little shorts that he loved, button-down short sleeved shirt, pair of sunglasses on his head, because he always had his sunglasses. But you know what I forgot?

SPEAKER_02 45:03

He's a bummer.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

He's commando up in heaven. Sense of humans talking about the sense of humor. I missed it from that moment because I kept going to the mediums, because I needed to know he was okay. I mean, I know he passed, and I obviously not okay. But I needed to know that his soul, his spirit, his energy was still there and still surrounding me. And that showed me. And there's no way in the world. Anybody would know that? Nobody would know that. I didn't even remember that I forgot underwear. Wow. So I did put a pair of his favorite SpongeBob underwear in his stocking.

SPEAKER_04 45:52

You know what I love about how you're telling the story, your humor, um, and how you are giving the energy, the light that you know that you wish probably that he would have being there here now, right? Having the the ability to do that because it takes a lot, you know. So that's so beautiful. Um, how do you get to that space?

SPEAKER_01 46:23

Oh my gosh. So it it it's a lot, it's a lot of self-love, a lot of healing. So I've got internal work. It it is. For me, though, I like to think of myself as a phoenix who's risen from the ashes.

SPEAKER_04 46:39

I love the phoenix. I think it's one of my logos.

SPEAKER_01 46:41

I I was shattered, you know, and so I think I've taken the pieces of my soul and I've glued myself back together. And, you know, like that that art, though that pottery from Japanese pottery, Kitsugi, right? Yeah. Where it's more beautiful when they take the gold and outly. I think I've become more beautiful from this experience because although I will never be the same, I've glued back the pieces of me, and I think it's let my inner light shine brighter than it ever would have. And as crazy as the sound, this journey that I'm on, it's it's it's it's my journey. I think so. If I could put it to you this way, I've come to realize from from this, from these retreats, from my healing things that I go on, that we are all souls. We're energy. And I believe that for a brief period of time we inhabit these bodies. And we come in our souls to these bodies because we want to learn a life lesson. We want to become closer to God. And let's call it a hundred years, some of us learn sooner, some of us takes forever. But once this body dies, our soul, our energy is set free. And that we at that point have raised our vibration, God willing. And now we are closer to God, and we can use what we've learned here to to lift us. And I think that that's who I am, and I think this journey is the journey I was meant to be. I think it's my soul's purpose.

SPEAKER_00 48:16

Wow. And you have uh Wow so powerful. Yeah, so powerful. I mean, I mean, it's exactly like what I was thinking just now, that that priority shift.

unknown 48:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:25

There's so many times where we make so many things important, and how important are they really? And then we go through the experience like this and we go, oh my god, I had it all wrong. And perspective. Perspective, right? You can't get that without going through something like that.

SPEAKER_04 48:38

You know, and it's it's amazing how it also depends on what perspective, like what sets of eyes are you looking at the situation?

SPEAKER_01 48:47

Yes, absolutely. It's so crazy because you change the way you look at things. Yeah, and the things you look at change. That's by Wayne Dwyer Dwyer Dyer. Wayne Dyer. And um, it's crazy. So I um went on a retreat not long ago to talk about um narrative healing. And this woman, Lisa Weiner, taught me, you know, that whatever you're feeling, and I think Scott already knew this, is you write it down. And you don't have to write it to publish it, you can write it to burn it.

SPEAKER_00 49:19

That's right. That's one of my exercises.

SPEAKER_01 49:21

It's such a relief.

SPEAKER_00 49:23

Rip it up and throw it out.

SPEAKER_01 49:24

Yes, you rip it up, throw it up, put it in the flames, nobody else. And I realized that I was actually given a gift because Scott wrote poetry. And if I look back and I reread his poetry, it tells me of a journey that he was on. And it tells his story. And although I wasn't um although his journey ended, or his his story is now still continues, and we're able to get a glimpse into his soul from reading his poetry.

SPEAKER_02 50:01

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 50:01

And it's just so from this this retreat I went on, I got a great idea. I'm like, what if I took his poetry and I publish it, and then I write my narrative about what was going on in his life and my life, and and just some life lessons. And I'm calling it Spirit of Scotty, SOS.

SPEAKER_00 50:26

S-O-S.

SPEAKER_01 50:26

I mean, talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 50:32

She's had goosebumps this whole show.

SPEAKER_04 50:34

The whole show, I swear to you.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

One of the things I wanted to say, if you're out there and you need help and you're watching this show, there is a number to call. The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is 988. And we need to know that. Yeah. I think that's an important aspect to just 988. 988.

SPEAKER_04 50:54

Okay. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. You know, but talking about the synergy, like SOS, right? Wow. Can you gift us the blessing of reading uh one of his uh poems? It would be my honor.

SPEAKER_01 51:15

For the first time in a long time, I can say I'm happy. Nobody is snappy, catty, overzealously chatty. The person I used to be wasn't me. It wasn't the best I could be. I let my demons consume me. Bad thoughts constantly pursued me. I was a fool to believe that I could be anybody else but myself. It took some time and encouragement from the people I love to realize the person I am is better than the person I want to be. The person everyone said I should be, but it wasn't me. I love myself and the people who surround me. The people who care for me and want me to be the best I can be. Relationships, platonic or not, have a balance that people constantly challenge to make their lives better for themselves and no one else. But who wants a friend that only cares for themselves when there's so much more to yourself? You are the person who you need the most, see the most, and not even we can boast that true self, that new self, that construed self. So look in the mirror and stop judging your wealth or your health. See the positive of yourself. Because you are the best on top of anyone else's shelf. And if anyone tries to drag you down, you pull them up and hand them your crown. Oh wow!

SPEAKER_00 52:46

And he was 16 when you wrote that.

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Yeah, it was 2019, so he was 15.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 52:52

And I That is deep! I I just I I I just have to say that I just want to say to the young people out there, just always remember to work hard, have fun, be kind, and always call home because you are loved unconditionally. Yeah, live your life to the fullest. Because it's your life and it's your journey.

SPEAKER_04 53:16

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And and uh, you know, I would add to that that regardless of what you do and what you think, how difficult or how bad you feel about your decisions, there's people out there that will forgive you. So forgive yourself.

SPEAKER_01 53:37

Absolutely, right?

SPEAKER_04 53:38

I think that's the most powerful, one of the most powerful, you know, messages. You know, forgive yourself.

SPEAKER_01 53:44

We are not perfect. Have grace, be kind to yourself first and foremost. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

SPEAKER_04 53:53

You know, you know what's funny and interesting? One of the show's uh ideas that I've had for a very long time, SOS Stories of Success, and it was literally in my mind around fire. Wow. I was thinking when you said that. Oh my god, I was thinking. That's one of the shows that I've been wanting to do for a very long time. It's gonna be a TV show. It was gonna be called Stories of Success, and it was gonna be around fire telling stories.

SPEAKER_01 54:33

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 54:34

So there's something here.

SPEAKER_01 54:36

There is definitely something here.

SPEAKER_04 54:38

I think, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna have some stuff to bring back to you guys. When you said that, I said, whoa. Because that was the exact vision.

SPEAKER_01 54:51

And it's it's amazing. I think it's Scott bringing us closer, his energy.

SPEAKER_04 54:57

Wow. Was that ever done in the school?

SPEAKER_01 54:59

Yes, I'm so glad you asked, yes. So as a joint venture between the Boy Scouts and the school in honor of Scott, they built that fire pitch. Wow and they dedicated it to him. Wow. And they included uh part of his poem on a plaque there in his memory. I can't look.

SPEAKER_00 55:19

You have to take me there. I want to see it.

SPEAKER_04 55:20

I will, yeah. You can't you can't look.

SPEAKER_00 55:23

I know. I see. I've been watching that book. You can't make this.

SPEAKER_04 55:33

I'm thinking maybe, you know, this is like uh in my thought, like I'm thinking maybe shooting some um videos, right? Um, some episodes in the school in that area with some of the students and some of his stories. Oh, that would be so powerful. That's my vision, like when you were saying that, like that would be such an amazing even space, because that's the space that he kind of envisioned.

SPEAKER_01 56:00

It was, and it was it it would make those kids there see purpose and see how community comes together. And it I told you, it takes a village, and you don't realize how much your neighbors and your community and your church and your the people in the library, everybody has an impact and an influence on you.

SPEAKER_04 56:21

That's another that's another message to to share, um, because you never know, even a smile sometimes. You know, I a long time ago I was walking down Manhattan and I seen somebody and he looked a little sad, but he was very well dressed and smelled really good. You'll appreciate the story. And I said, That's really nice clothes that you have. I don't remember if it was African style or something like that. It was really beautiful what he had. And he said, Really? You really think so? I said, Yeah, yeah, really nice, really cool. I didn't think much of it. And he comes, he starts walking, then he comes back to me. He's like, excuse me. I'm like, Yeah. He's like, you know that I was so sad that I was thinking of hurting myself.

SPEAKER_01 57:07

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_04 57:08

You see? And you really made my day, so I want to say thank you.

SPEAKER_01 57:13

You never know what storm someone is eying in. I was like, oh, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_04 57:19

You know, and it's so amazing, like sometimes one single word, one single smile would make somebody's day.

SPEAKER_01 57:27

I'll tell you, I came from tennis and I had these cool new sneakers on, and I was at the grocery store, I came out, some guy said, Hey, I like your kicks. I felt so good. It just, you know, because you're in your head and you got all this stuff going on, and it does. It brings you out, it makes it just can it can pivot whatever's going on in your life.

SPEAKER_04 57:48

So that that's a call for action for everybody, you know. When people ask, what can I do? How can I help? Share some kindness and some empathy with the people that are around you because you don't know what they're going through, you don't know their story.

SPEAKER_01 58:02

And so many times you might like what somebody's wearing, but you don't say anything. You just you're just like, oh, that dress is nice, but you don't sell them. Yeah, tell them. Yeah, you know, tell them you gotta like it, just you smell good. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:14

And you know, I'd like to say something to the school boards, superintendents and people listening to the school. Yes, please. There are things that we have to teach in school, and then there are things that we need to teach in school. And teaching young people how to deal with their emotions, that's one of them.

SPEAKER_02 58:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 58:31

You know, for me as in my field, I learned about the ABCs of emotions, how emotions work as an adult. But imagine if kids had that message.

SPEAKER_04 58:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:40

And actually understood how this is how our emotions work, this is how we can do better, this is how we go through things.

SPEAKER_04 58:45

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:46

You could really change something.

SPEAKER_04 58:47

I agree. And uh one of the um movies that I really liked that uh came out not so long ago, Inside Out?

SPEAKER_00 58:54

I think it was called Inside Out, right.

SPEAKER_04 58:57

Such a great movie.

SPEAKER_00 58:58

I mean, I love that.

SPEAKER_04 59:00

Kudos to production for making that movie, really, right? Because it really helps, you know, young adults really think about their emotions and understand it. Yeah, right. Um, can you close with a message, some final words?

SPEAKER_01 59:15

I think uh my message is to everyone out there is um just know that this is a journey. And one wrong move, one mistake, it doesn't define who you are. You're in control of you, and you're in control of how you react to situations. Never let anyone else make those decisions for you. And if you're feeling alone, ask for help. Because I'm telling you, you are not alone. We are here. I don't DM me. I am there for you. Um, I have a website that my son just put together for me. Nice! Um, I'm gonna, when my book is ready, I've got the the first draft done. Um it's Serenadansker.com. There's a mailing list you can sign up for. Please do.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:04

Spell it out for us.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:05

S-E-R-I-N-A D A N S K E R dot com.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:14

Yeah, and we're gonna put that um as well on the description of the show for those of you. Anybody that wants to help, anybody that wants to help your cause, your to support you in some way, how can they find you? What can they do?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:28

I have uh Instagram, s.m.dansker. Um I also have Facebook, it's Serena Dansker. Um, and I have a TikTok, s.m.dansker. So I'm getting current here with the help of my guys. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:49

That is so amazing. I really want to take some time to thank you. Uh, because your story is so important, so impactful. By you sharing it, I want you to know that you're helping so many people. Um, and even hearing it, you know, it's helpful for me as a mom to understand and know what kind of conversations I should have with my child. So you're helping people that are not only going through it now, to prevent it from happening in the future. So thank you for your courage because that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:22

Yeah, and thank you. Thank God, your children, yeah. But just be being willing to share your story and what you guys went through and uh honoring Scott that way. I I really I can't say enough. And I'm so grateful that you were here today, just willing to open your heart and willing to share with with all of our listeners and on such a a critical, critically important topic because we we have it's time for change.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:51

It is a call for action, it is time for change, and thank you guys. I feel so blessed that we have this relationship for so many years, and I'm able to get this message out. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:03

I think it was one of his jokes too, the underwear thing and the SOS thing. I mean, yeah, mom, I found an SOS. So thank you so much again. Thank you for coming, and we gotta talk. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us today in this very important, powerful conversation. Do reach out to Serena and you know, and remember.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:29

Don't just live, uh send, because every moment counts.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:35

Every moment counts. Thank you so much, and we'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:38

That's right. Same channel, same channel, same co-host.