Ep 051 | You Were Always Enough with Melissa Sari

In this deeply moving and transformative episode, Serina Dansker is joined by Melissa Asare for a powerful conversation about worth, healing, and the journey back to self. Melissa courageously shares her story of growing up without feeling loved, and how those early emotional wounds led her into an abusive relationship-revealing how
unhealed pain can shape the choices we make and the environments we accept. With honesty, strength, and profound insight, this episode becomes more than a story-it becomes an awakening. It is a reminder that no matter what you have experienced or endured, your worth has never been diminished. Empowering, validating, and deeply inspiring, this conversation invites every listener to reflect, reclaim their value, and step into a life rooted in truth, self-respect, and inner strength.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scar has a story. Every loss carries love. And every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Hello and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and joining me today is a beautiful soul, Melissa Assari. She is going to share her story about growing up and growing up without feeling loved. And now she's shaped her relationships and she's found her way, and she's going to talk about her journey. Melissa, I'm so grateful that you're here today and that you're willing to share your story. How are you feeling today?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Thank you for having me. I feel great.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Awesome.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

And thankful for being here.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Oh my gosh. Your story is one that's going to help so many people because a lot of us have a lot of the same feelings that you do. Can you take us back to your childhood? What did love look like or not look like growing up?

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Well, love did not look kind. It wasn't consoling. No one held me. Um I didn't get much proper guidance. It was kind of chaotic. So it was, um, I learned to console myself early, and I became ultra protective and hyper aware.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Wow. So so was it just you or did you have siblings? Was it a mom and a dad? Um were you Oh no, that's fine, honey. Were you the only one?

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Or well, um at the beginning, until I was about three or four, I had it was only me. Um, and I my earliest memories is of me making my bottle and cleaning it and um changing my diapers. That's my earliest memories. Um, and sitting in my living room watching Sesame Plays, Sesame Street.

SPEAKER_02 2:29

Wow. So your mom, was she uh a single mom? She was. Was sh did she have any kind of addictions or she had many.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Oh um, she was looking for love and she was really heartbroken, you know, um, because it didn't work out with my father. And she was an older lady with adult children, and she had she not you know, I'm uh I was kinda rejected.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Oh so when when did you first feel like I guess you weren't fully seen or loved?

SPEAKER_00 3:15

I want to say as a toddler because I knew to take care of myself. And I also try to make my mom happy.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

How did that make you feel? Um, you know, how did you see yourself?

SPEAKER_00 3:29

I didn't see myself. I just saw what I needed, what I wanted. I wanted someone to look and say, You're so cute. I love you. Yeah. You know, uh I never got that. I never a hug. No. There were adult sh she had adult children also, and and they didn't recognize you or um they recognized me, but they had their own children, and my sister was twelve years my um she was twelve years older, so she was a teenager, she didn't want to be bothered, but she was she had a deal with me. Right. So that situation made me independent and very aware of my surroundings.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

Yeah, so what would you say you craved most as a child?

SPEAKER_00 4:20

I just craved w attention. Yeah. Mirroring. I needed like someone to say, you're so smart. I I was in um IGC, I don't know if that means anything. Um intelligent get a class, and I was in a high um the like the science sphere, I was in mock trial and no one knew, and no one cared to know.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

Gosh, that's so strange.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

It was like brushed to the side, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Yeah, and what about a teacher? Like, did you have someone, any kind of adults that said, Hey, you're all right, you know?

SPEAKER_00 4:59

All my teachers. Yeah. All my teachers. But I had one special teacher, her name was Miss Um Willis. In my first grade, she kind of doted on me. And she would tell me, You're so smart, don't do bad things. You know, she knew. Um, I I think now that I'm older, I think she knew of my home life. And Miss and my even my kindergarten teacher, I was, you know, I was kidnapped in kindergarten, right?

SPEAKER_02 5:30

No, what what happened?

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Um, I was in school, and I was always a smart mouth, too. So that's another problem. But um got in, I wanted an icy. The icy lady was there, and I was like, okay, my mom, she's not here. And I was, I got, um, five years old, I didn't care. I was like, and it was a lady, she was black, and she was buying children icy's. And then at first, she said, You want an icy? I said no thanks. And you know, I was waiting for my mother, my mother didn't come. And then she asked again, and you know, there was no impulse control. I said, Yeah, I want an icy. And she bought the icy for me and my um my friend, and we looked so much alike. And we kind of look like the lady now that I'm thinking about it. But um, she bought the icy and then she said, Come on with me. And I knew about Stranger Danger, because you know it was the 80s. It was say no to drugs, and it was stranger danger. That's all they they they piped into us. But it didn't dawn on me. So when she walked out the um out of the yard, the the um the attendant, I don't know what to call it, the the yard lady, she said, is this your aunt? I said, no. I was smart enough to say, no, it's not my aunt, and she let us go. And then we walked down a block, and my mom was like, I'm being kidnapped. This is what they was telling me about because I told you I watch Sesame Street every day and um channel 13, uh, even at nighttime. So I'm like, this is she's kidnapping me. So I was panicking. I threw the icy down and I grabbed the pole and I started screaming. I said, Stranger danger. And I and she couldn't pry me off of there.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

Now, was your friend with you?

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Yes, and she was just walking, or no, she was not alone, eating her icy, and I was and I was screaming, stranger danger, stranger danger. And then out of nowhere, my mom, my sister came and just attacked the lady, and then my mom came, and that's how I was saved.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

Wow, that's incredible. You know, I think part of, you know, growing up without feeling that love and always looking for attention, you kind of find attention in the wrong places. And looking back now, how do you think those early experiences shaped you for relationships later on?

SPEAKER_00 8:12

It made me hyper-aware, which can be good in that sense, you know, I say to myself, but it also is bad because you for you forget I forget myself. I'm so aware of what your needs are, you know, their needs are, I've totally dismissed myself.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Do you find yourself accepting less than you deserve? Yes. Can you elaborate a little bit about that? Like um, do you talk talk about that? Talk about how uh maybe you accepted a job that you were overqualified for, or maybe you know, dated a guy that didn't treat you as well, or or at maybe school, maybe um talk about how you accepted less.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Um it started in my family. I was um a learner cook at seven, I was a chef at 12 or 13, I was a master chef at 16, creating new things. I always watched children since I was four. I had my niece or five, whatever. I was that young, I had a watcher, and I was bred. You had to protect her. No one can touch her. But it was no one giving anyone that memo for me. Right. I always felt like I had to protect everyone and fix everything.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

Did you feel like the niece you were protecting gave you some of that love you were craving?

SPEAKER_00 9:49

The idea. No. It was me taking care of her. It was um I remember one instance, um, she made me mad. I was about nine or ten, and I didn't make anything for her to eat. You know, I had to stand my ground. And my mom, my mom called me from work and she screamed at me and said, never do that again. So like so I lost my autonomy. I had to always take so I felt like I always had to take care of my family. And I never I was never protected. You put yourself behind everyone else. Yes, I hid myself.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

What did love feel like to you at that time? You're nine, ten years old, you're taking care of your niece, you're not feeling love from your family. Were you looking for love? I mean, I know it's it's young, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

Looking for love everywhere. Like my sister friends, they will give me attention, you know. But I never really had a real sense of love. It was only what I read in books. Or um I could mimic someone how they cared for their daughters, and you know, but I never uh I can't say I've experienced it. Not in my family.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

And did you a part of you feel like love had to be earned and that's why you work so hard?

SPEAKER_00 11:25

All of it felt like I had to earn it. I've always been proving myself. If I cook this well, they'll love that. They'll love me for that. Or if I protect them this well, they'll love me for that. I take care of the kids. If I give them some money, that's my family. So if I I was that was my foundation. Did you work as well?

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Uh well, you I mean that's young, but i getting into high school, did you have a job? Did you work? Ironically, no.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

But sadly, um I had bad advice from the higher-ups. But I had I got in let me put this right. I thought I was supposed to get money from men. Okay. And that was easy.

unknown 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

So often women are portrayed as um using s their sexuality to attract men, be and that's how they were raised or they're you know, are conditioned. Conditioned. Great word, Melissa, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yeah, so my mom was conditioned that way.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

So she didn't have nothing else to teach me but to but that.

SPEAKER_02 12:51

You were unfortunately raised by someone who was also raised that way and didn't have the ability to break that same pattern of events that go on. I um I I see it a lot in even like sexual abuse within a family where one person is sexually abused from a parent who is sexually abused, and it just, it's like, it's it's horrible. It's a chain reaction, but you there comes a point in at least that I've seen where there's someone who is strong enough to say, hell no, this is stopping here and stopping now. What I was conditioned or taught is wrong. And that's gonna, and it's gonna end with me. Um can you share a little bit about, I guess you're in high school, how the relationships, you're the first few relationships where you did find love with with men? It was one-sided, of course, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

At first it was. I didn't have any um because I only did it to please my mother, to be honest. Um, and then when my boyfriend chased me, I was I thought it was I thought it was cute. I was like, you still begging? And then um he wa he tried his best, you know? I was flattered.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

Right, of course. You didn't know if that was love or something else.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Yeah, but he worked hard. So I was like, let me say say hi to him. But he was also fractured, so he didn't know um how to love. And I overgive. So I became it was not good. It was a toxic relationship. Everything became toxic. If it if every relationship I had, either friendship throughout my childhood or intimate. Well, not every, because when I was anyway, but relationship. It was one not one sided, but it was me overgiving and b fixing everything and being taken on too much, overburdened, and the other person relying heavily on me, so it became codependent.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

And it wasn't healthy. I know I didn't have any healthy relationships. So that led to me being in a ri in abusive relationships because uh some people can't let that go.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Right. Um when did you realize in in these abusive relationships were there that you that something wasn't right?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

I never realized it until um I didn't until it became so violent and brutal that it was life like you like you've seen it, but you didn't know it was you.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Cause I I've seen that in my in my family, in my, you know. And I was like, you're gonna die. Like I knew it. And I didn't believe in God. And I like not even then. I was I said, oh God, he's gonna kill me. And he left.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

But did it start out that way, the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 16:29

No, he was wonderful. He was all right. Let's talk about that. Yeah, talk about how that began, yeah. He protected me. So I never had well dead. Like, um, my ex-boyfriend protected me too, but he understood and broke down my mother. Oh. So you know you have questions in your mind, you're not sure. And everyone's saying, No, it's not true, it's not true. But when he point identified it, I was like, I knew I wasn't wrong. And then he would told me how special I was. He identified what my strength was that I've never like he saw me. So when you've never been seen, yeah, when someone sees you, and it's everything to you. It's like it's refreshing. It's it's validation for who you thought.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

I I am special, I am someone. Exactly. And now someone else is coming in there and saying, yeah, you are. Your mom or your dad or whoever you know in the family is wrong. They don't deserve you. I deserve you because I see you. So there's so they're they're they're feeding that need, that need to be seen.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Yes. Wow. And he and I confront him my mother. He gave, I'm gonna, he gave me the strength to see my strength. And I was able to confront my mother and stand my ground. So it was powerful, it was a powerful transition for me. And when I broke away from the abuse, not the abuse, the control of my mom, I felt independent. Isn't that a great feeling? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

And even though, you know, you didn't know what was coming next.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

Yes. No, but I saw my power. Yes. You know? And I saw my care but I I f I saw a future. I saw a future.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

That you can do this, that you are enough.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Yes. And I could do it without them. I don't need anyone. I could do it.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

That's the that was my even though it wasn't the it didn't end well, but that was my best moment.

SPEAKER_02 18:42

Wow. That's so amazing. And so then talk about what changed in that relationship.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Um, well, as soon as I had that moment, I didn't realize that I broke away from my family. You don't think that you're isolating yourself. You're thinking that you're freeing yourself. So I'm thinking I'm free. And it slowly became dominating. It was my clothes. Then why are you wearing a hair that way? Why are you speaking to her? You know, and I I still doubted myself. I thought everything came through him. It actually did. So um I was it was misdirected strength.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

You know, you have the devil on your shoulder saying, do this and this and this. It was that was kind of what it was.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

And then were you living with him at this point?

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Yeah. He embedded himself in my life. But it was because he protected me, I didn't see the problem. And um And he was wonderful with my daughters, but he he wasn't as wonderful with my son, but he wasn't abusive. He was just um teaching him to be tough, but it wasn't hurting him, but it was separating him from his sisters. Okay. And he would play with the girls. He was wonderful. And um, but he was still respectful to my son. So I didn't I really didn't know what to call it. Interesting. Because that's how I was treated. So I'm like, that's just a regular thing. I didn't dis I didn't distinguish like it was m bad. I just knew it was different.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Now, did your children come to you and and say, like your son, you know, did he say to you, Mom, I'm not, you know, feeling it with this guy that you're with, or he's not a good guy, or no. No.

SPEAKER_00 21:08

How old were your children at the time? Um, my son was seven. Um, my daughters were four and two. Oh, they were babies. And my son was distraught because he was very close to my mom.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

I see.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

So, but I never cut disconnected them. I just gave boundaries. You can see them on a weekend. You can't come to my house. You know, I was setting limits to myself. But um, again, my son was very close to my mom, and she controlled me through him before. So he was getting everything. X boxes, and he break them 'cause he's upset, he get another Xbox. It was that kind of thing. So I was um I wasn't the favorite person. That's what it is. I wasn't the favorite.

SPEAKER_02 21:59

Yeah. Um when did you start to realize that something wasn't right in this relationship with this guy?

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Well, the first time I realized it is when I try to assert my authority. I said, I'm going outside. And um and I'm wearing what I want to wear. Because I wasn't a punk. I just was controlled by my mother, but you know. And um he tore my shirt off of me and we fought. And I thought I was a tough girl. That day I realized I'm not that tough. Um, he pulled out my hair and then he dragged me to the bathroom. And he said, I'm breaking, while he was beating me, he said, I'm breaking you to build you back up. Every time he beat me, he would say that. And then he would bring me to the bathroom and say, Look at you. How do you look now? And then at first I'm like, I look good, even though I was beating up. But then eventually, like as the time went on, I was I said, I'm regular. And that's what he wanted me to say. They the beating stopped.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

That's so like it's it's like a narcissistic behavior. He needed to control you and he'd pull out your hair. As if that was where your strength came from.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

But it did.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

He knew it was my strength. I like looking pretty. My hair look was always done. Um but he needed to break me to make to keep me taking care of him. I was like I I told you I cooked, I cleaned, and I couldn't I'm aware. So if you're sad, I can pick up that you're sad and I try to change your, you know. Um that's who I can become.

SPEAKER_02 24:03

You you you feel, you you're an empowerment.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

I'm very sensitive. Yes, I'm very empathetic and sensitive. So if I see that you're sad, I'm gonna crack jokes, or I'm gonna you're hungry? Okay, I'm one of those.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

That's um, yeah, so he needed to control you and wanted you to feel bad about yourself. Yes. And um w what do you think? Um I guess how how do you why didn't you leave him?

SPEAKER_00 24:38

I mean, w what do you think was going on? Because I understood his pain. So I was trying to make him trust me. And that's narcissistic in itself. But um I wanted him to trust me and believe that I w I don't want to go with any other guy. I'm not gonna So I listened and did what he said. I wouldn't go to the store, and if I did, I wouldn't look at any man. I wouldn't speak to any man. I just continue listening to him.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

I I I see that so often in in abusive relationships where um the man will take uh control of the woman, the finances. Uh you know, what she wears, what she looks like, what she does, and it gets to a point where you're fearful uh of making just the wrong food, for example, or something where whatever could trigger. Now, I did he how often did he hurt you?

SPEAKER_00 25:48

Um at the beginning it was a lot. It was a lot. Um until he eventually pulled out every strand of my hair. I didn't have any hair. I saw I would walk around with a like a do rag, a scarf um in the house. Um I couldn't leave the room in the morning until unless I had permission. If it it it became that controlling.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

So do you think your past had uh uh a lot to do with why you stayed? Yeah, you know, and and and and and what kept you there?

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Um what kept me is I think change since I made this decision. Who else do I have? Oh my mom is mad, they're not talking to me, my brothers are not talking to me. Um I wasn't talking to anyone because I stopped being the one that everyone can use. They don't they didn't know how to handle like it was no other kind of relationship, but me doing. So it's I don't blame anyone, but that's what it was.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

So at what point what was the breaking point for you? What was the point where you said enough, I'm done?

SPEAKER_00 27:02

The breaking point, the reason why I stayed, I kept trying to make it work. Like I'm like, I'm gonna do this so I can work. But that the night before, um you said can I say it? Yes, of course. He like sodomized me. And it was rape. I was crying, no, stop, please don't. And he he did it. And then I believe he was just guilty, you know, to trying to correct himself to make me feel bad, so I won't think about that. Because I'm also an empath. I was really distraught the next day. And um, so the next day he came home and then he s he just made up something. He said, You were looking at somebody. I said, I don't know. What do you mean? He said, You were looking at this guy, and I understand he just made up something.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

And then so I'm searching because he's punching me every time I say, I don't know. And uh so I'm like, I'm thinking about what guy likes me. I'm like, the young guy, and I'm and I'm I'm going off the top of the brain. I'm like, no, he's a young, he's 20. I'm like, that's my friend, no. And he's and every time he's hitting me. And he's saying, then he said, Oh, you did you s did you um Take a breath then? It's okay. Nah, it don't bother me no more. I can't let him in like that. But um, but um, I'm just trying to get the road where I like to be honest, you know? Yeah. Um he said, he was saying, oh, like, when did you see him? I said, and I may I had to make up a story. I said, no, I didn't, I didn't, like, I'm like, no, I didn't. And so he's beating me and I'm telling him the truth. So I said, oh, okay, I did it once. I'm like, maybe it'll stop now. And then he beat the crap out of me.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

And um, he got tired of beating me and stomping me with his Tim's, and he got a stick. And he a broomstick. And he beat me with a broomstick, cut me in my head, and cut me in my face. And when he hit me in the head, I I screamed out. I said, Oh God. Uh and I never said that before. Um, I said, Oh God, he's gonna kill me. And I was speaking to God. I think that was my spirit. Yeah, my spirit had to take over. And then he slapped. He said, I'm not gonna kill you. He was controlled throughout the whole event. And then I went and I noticed that. I told you I'm really I'm I'm an empath. I noticed right there in that moment that he was a psychopath. And um, so I he put me in the cold shower and let it run on me, like more torture. And I was just looking in disbelief. I didn't, my mind just went blank and shut off. And um, he put me back in the bed, tucked me in nice and and I ran to my friend because I'm like, why you want to say I did that? And I thought, because I told you I had a, he said it was a whole lie. So I ran to my friend, the only person I knew, um, just asked, like, what did you what did you tell this man? He looked what he did in my face. And when she saw me, and me and her was out of odds because we argued for some was young. And she looked at me and started crying. Oh no. She said, Melissa, what happened? I said, What did you tell him? And then she said, she started calling her boyfriend. And then he said, get upstairs. And I went upstairs, but he kept me in the house. I couldn't leave out the house. He kept me hostage. And I got away because I realized that he was a psychopath. And um he tried to, he pretended to act like he was gonna kill himself. And I knew he was pretending, but I just went along with it.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 31:07

I became, I just knew what it was. I just knew. I said he's he's pretending because he's scared.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

And where were your children during this?

SPEAKER_00 31:16

He was in a my son heard it. He was in a room. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I learned not to cry because I didn't want them to know that um I was being beaten. But my the daughters, my daughters saw my face. They was like, mommy, what's wrong with your face? And he kept me in a room and he was taking care of them. And he wanted a baby with me so bad. I got the idea. I was like, okay. I started bleeding. I said, I think I'm having a miscarriage. And then and then I knew I had to get away, and I said, This is the only way. Because he wouldn't let me leave. Did he think you were pregnant? Yes. Oh, he did. I was convincing. I was crying and everything. And I was like, I think I'm I'm losing the baby. Wow. And then um and he started crying. I was like, and then he said, go to the hospital. I said, I'm gonna take the kids with me. And then I left, went to the hospital, called my mom, I said, Mom, I'm sorry. I need you to meet me to the hospital right now. And then she saw my face, but she was still mad. She can, though, she can. Yeah, yes. I said, I need you to get these kids. And then she saw my face, and she said, Oh, listen. Yeah, that's it. And then she took the she loved my kids. And then I said, she said, handle this. I said, Okay. And then I went to the police station, and um I had a ragged with my face that I didn't want to scare my kids. Right. Because I look like a cabbage patch doll. Oh, honey. You ever saw Martin? Yeah. Look just like that. Oh no. So um That's a sweet little ball to the baby, right? Yeah. He got beat up by the boxer. So um, I went to the police station, the SVU unit, the um special victims unit.

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

And I said, I need someone to help me now. And then they just looked at me like, no. What? I said, I need this man out of my house, or I'm gonna die. And they looked at me like, I said, oh, okay. I said, you have a cut? Then he's and they said, why? I said, because I'm not leaving here. Until one of you come to my house and get my and get this man out of my house. I said, I'm gonna die. Then I pulled off my do-rag and the scarf over my face. I said, look at me. This happened Saturday. This is Friday. I said, I'm gonna die. And then one of the officers saw that I was serious and he said, Let's go and help her.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

And then he was crying. When they came to the house, he said, Come and hold me. Because I told you I was that he didn't have a mom. So I was nurturing, I was trying to give him love.

SPEAKER_02 34:17

Right, but you didn't do that when you had the cops there when you came back in.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

I hugged him out of the room. I was like, uh-uh, I'll do enough.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

You're good for you, girl.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

Yeah, yeah. And I pressed charges and I sent him to jail. Good. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

About time. He needs to get off the street and a lesson. He needed to learn. He definitely did. And so he went to jail. Yes. And so what did healing look like for you in the beginning?

SPEAKER_00 34:42

I didn't heal in. I was a shell of a person.

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

So talk about that. I lost my children. He called um CPS because I was smoking weed.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

And um they took them for two months and I got them back. I think I needed that. To to um because I wasn't functional. I needed to like do something every like go to it was a um like one of those drug programs. Right. I went there just to kill time, because I didn't think I needed it. And to get my kids back. This to be honest. Because I was smoking weed right after I finished. Right as soon as I got them back. So I shouldn't say that.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

But this is the but this is the 80s, the 90s, you know, when we was not le it wasn't legal then, right? Just to be clear, it was you know, that was that was a bad thing, and not like it is today, where you walk outside and you get high, you know.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

Um yeah, it was a bad thing. It was um in 2007. Yes. Yeah. So um I just didn't think it was bad because I grew up around it. Right. So um they were taken away, but that's when I found my my strength. Nothing is more than them. I stopped that second. So I knew I wouldn't have a problem. I was like, I don't have a problem. But and I was also selfish too.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

It is what it is. What do you mean by by that you were selfish? What is what does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Um, because I smoke weed. Who smokes weed with children in the home? I don't do that now.

SPEAKER_02 36:28

No, well, but you were young too. You have to give yourself some grace. You didn't have the best role models in your life. And and and you know, there are people that would smoke weed, or there are people that would drink alcohol, and there are people who would do worse things, I'm sure. Um, but when did you start to heal? When did when did when did Melissa become Melissa again?

SPEAKER_00 36:58

In Stanford. Um, I had to leave, I had to flee New York City because he was in a gang. Okay and he was some kind of general. He had the young boys doing the stuff, you know, for him. So I left before he was released. I went upstate. Um, didn't have nobody. I was just the surviving, working a lot. I was uh I don't know why I worked a lot to provide for the kids, you know. I worked a lot and then I got another relationship where I was overgiving and losing completely lost myself. Um, but it wasn't abusive. It was just me overgiving and him taking advantage. And I lost the apartment because I stood up for myself. I always stand up for myself. Just keep that one.

SPEAKER_02 37:56

What do you mean you lost the apartment from standing up for yourself?

SPEAKER_00 38:00

It was a water bill. And the first time I paid it, then I started researching because it was $600 and something doll for water. I was like, I'm gonna buy a Poland Spring or something. I don't need to. And I started asking people with homes. I said, How much do you pay for water? And my sister said $120 for every three months. And I'm like, I pay $600. And she said that can't be right. So I just I went to my landlord. I said, give me a printed out bill. Because this is not right. Wow. And the next next time it went down, the next time it went down, then he forgot who I was, and he went back up to six, like five something. I said, I need to print it out from the town. And then he wouldn't give it and get it. I was evicted illegally. Wow. And at the same time, my mom was sick. Oh no. She was um the that September, they told us she had a month of six weeks to live. Really? Yeah, and um I forgave her. I forgave her. And I also confronted her, but not with malice. I said, you know, I was baptized and I had like a transformation at that time. I was 30. And um I said, you know, mom, and I told her everything I went through. I said, when you told me to do this, I said you never told me what to do. And I just said, and I told her how I felt, how I grew up. And then she said, I'm so sorry, Melissa. Do you forgive me? I said, Of course, I forgave you the next day. And then she said, I'm so sorry we're not gonna have nobody. And she tarnished my name to save her image. And I said, Don't worry, I never had nobody. And then um, not out of malice, I'm just telling the truth. Right. And then and then um that September, the doctor said no one was at the doctor with her. And I stayed there um until she woke up. I had to come from upstate a hundred miles away. Wow. And um, I'm not that's not nothing big, but so so you forgave her. And and did she did she pass then when she passed in October when I came this. Let me tell you how I get the stand for it. Wow. Um so they illegally evict me. Right. When he gave me that bill, he he and I said I'm not paying this until I get a letter from the town. Um he had a fake eviction note. It was a fake one. I said, Don't am I supposed to go to court first? So I called a lawyer. Smart. Yeah. I called a lawyer and the lawyer said and but I had to leave my home. And um while I was saying it, I thought I'd turn this down. While I was um while he was telling me, don't worry about nothing. That's not in the court system, that's illegal. They would he said, make sure that they don't change your locks and all of your stuff is not is in the apartment. When I was walk pulling in my driveway, it was uh like a apartment complex. Yes. They were throwing my furniture over my balcony. What? And my they had my children outside while they were changing my locks. Oh no. Yes. I was stunned. I said they just did everything he said they can't not for them not to do. So I knew that I lost that one. And I went to um I was on section eight. Okay. So I went to the workouts, they just threw everything out, and then she was crying. And she said, don't worry. And um, and they gave me an emergency transfer. And I called my mom um like that Friday. I said, Mom, I'm I'm sorry, but I can I stay with you for a couple of weeks until, you know, uh gets settled. And she said, Come on, come on. And I said, You don't sound right. And I said, put put Shamak on the phone. That's my brother, my brother and his wife were staying with her. I said, Shamak, I called the ambulance. That's how, I don't know what's what what's different about me, but they was with her and they didn't think they'd do that. And um, the next day I came and she was in a coma. Oh my god. Um, and I said, and I spoke to her and she opened her eyes. I said, Don't worry, this I'm gonna be okay. So you have you don't have to stay. And um, so I went back to her house with a with a with a a laundry bag. That's all we had. Um and my brother that was staying where he said, you can't stay here with my kids. He said, You can't stay here. I said, where I'm gonna go. And he said, I don't know, but you can't stay here. That was her house. And I said, but mama said I could, and then he said, whatever. And I didn't fight. Like I'm I was also a fighter in my past. Right. But um I just said I just surrendered and I just called my niece, and I said, Tiff, and I'll stay with you for she said you could see me for the weekend. I said, that's all. I'm gonna try to figure something out. And that's how I got here to Stanford.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

And so how did you so you is by staying with her? She lived in Stanford? Is that No, I didn't. How did you get how did you find a place in Stanford?

SPEAKER_00 43:37

I was in a DV shelter. Okay. And they were amazing. Uh God is good. I know God is a loving God. And He loved me because the things I've I've made it through Is that when you started to feel your worth again? Um, it was in Greenwich. They were Like they was like, do yoga. I was like, I don't do yoga. And then she was like, It's it's like it's refreshing. It'll make you think. And they just took my mind off of it. And my mom died that Thursday. Wow. And we didn't have nothing. I told you we had a I had a blanket. I had a couple of outfits for the kids. And they bought us new outfits. They they got me there because I was scared to go there because of Anthony.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

I was like, uh So this was just to be sp in Greenwich, this is a place for women who have been through hell. We'll just put it like that. Pretty much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

And they don't say it because it's not a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

No, you don't want to say it say that. But it's just, you know, just so we can just be clear that and and that they're there specifically to help women get back on their feet. Yes. And um And they and they hide women too, you know. Yeah, they hid me. Yeah. And they hit me in plain sight. And and and and through them and and through the support system that you that you found in Greenwich and in Stanford. It gave me hope. It gave you hope, right? And that's that's a big thing. And and to be able to figure out that you are that you do have self-worth. Yes. That you're more than these abusive people have been to, that that you have the ability to stand up for yourself and to and to live on your own and to raise your children and show them what it's like to actually be a a good person, you know, and not a good person, but a a strong woman.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

Right?

unknown 45:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

Yes. And to be themselves, no one can stop you. They have that. They do. And and how is your definition of love changed? My definite my definition of love change is it's not one-sided. Yeah. It's nothing earned. It's just given. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:04

Unconditional, right? Yes. Um, so have you learned how to set boundaries now?

SPEAKER_00 46:10

Yes, I don't overshare.

SPEAKER_02 46:13

Good.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

And I'm not desperately looking for someone to love me.

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Good.

SPEAKER_00 46:18

I learned to love myself.

SPEAKER_02 46:21

That is so important. What would you say to someone who feels unloved right now? Like if you could go back to that younger self of yours who was feeling, you know, uh unloved and looking for for love in all the wrong places, what would you say to that to that young younger you?

SPEAKER_00 46:44

It's gonna come later. Learn to love yourself and get through it.

SPEAKER_02 46:48

Yeah. Really good advice. Really good advice. What would you say to someone who's who who's in an abusive relationship right now and feels stuck or is afraid to to to leave?

SPEAKER_00 47:03

Get through that fear. Move in the fear. Even though you're afraid, you are worth saving.

unknown 47:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:13

And and what do you want people to understand about self-worth? What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_00 47:20

The strength that you need must come from you. You have it. Just look for it.

SPEAKER_02 47:26

Yeah. I I couldn't agree more. I think a lot of times we we we are so quick to forgive other people, but we don't forgive ourselves. Why? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 47:40

Because we hold ourselves to higher standards.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

But yeah, but we're human, right? We're not gods. We should give ourselves grace because it is a journey. It took me a long time to give myself grace. One word that describes your healing journey. Uh, what would you say? It was definitely crooked.

unknown 48:01

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 48:04

And what does home feel like for you now? Home is me. It's here, right? Where I'm at right now. Wherever I am, it's home.

SPEAKER_02 48:13

Do you have a song that you that represents your story that just that you listen to?

SPEAKER_00 48:19

Um, I like I trust in God. I love that song by Elevation Church, I think. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 48:28

And what does being enough mean to you today?

SPEAKER_00 48:34

I just accept myself for who I am. My capacity, I respect it. And what I can't do, I will look for the answer.

SPEAKER_02 48:42

That's beautiful. Really beautiful. Melissa, your story is going to help so many people feel seen. Thank you for your courage. You know, listening to you, I keep thinking about how many people there are walking around with the belief that they're unlovable. Or, you know, or or just that they don't have enough to to be who they want to be. And your story shows that belief is not true. That that it's something that you're taught and you can unteach that and you can recognize your worth. And I just think it's so beautiful. And I like to close every one of my interviews with a poem from my son Scott. And this one that I'm gonna use is one of my favorites. So I want to share it with you and our listeners. For the first time in a long time, I can say I'm happy. Nobody is snappy, catty, overzealously chatty. The person I used to be wasn't me. It wasn't the best I could be. I let my demons consume me. Bad thoughts constantly pursued me. I was a fool to believe that I could be anyone but myself. It took some time and encouragement from the people I loved to realize the person I am is better than the person I want to be, the person everyone said I should be, the person I was encouraged to be. It wasn't me. I love myself and the people who surround me, the people who care for me and want me to be the best I can be. Relationships, platonic or not, have a balance that people constantly challenge to make their lives better for themselves and no one else. But who wants a friend that only cares for themselves when there's so much more to yourself? You are the person who you need the most. See the most. And not even weed can boost that true self, that new self, that construed self. So look in the mirror and stop judging your wealth or your health. See the positive of yourself because you are the best on top of anyone else's shelf. And if anyone tries to drag you down, you pull them up and hand them your crown.

SPEAKER_00 51:21

I know, right? I love everything you say. That is the bomb right there.

SPEAKER_02 51:27

He was such a 15 and 16 years old. My God.

SPEAKER_00 51:30

And writing like that?

SPEAKER_02 51:32

He felt he was an empath too, as you can see. I just want an impact.

SPEAKER_00 51:36

Oh, Bob bless you, Scott. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 51:39

What a what a what a lovely time talking with you. Thank you so much for being here to our listeners. If you're struggling, please know there's help out there. And and and you need to help yourself. And there are people out there that will give you the tools you need. And until next week, please remember SOS Stories of Survivors, where survival sparks the soul. I'll see you soon.