Ep. 053 | Self Help Club - Mother's Day Edition

In this heartfelt Mother’s Day edition of SOS Stories of Survivors, Serina is joined by Michelle Giorno and Eileen Carey for a powerful conversation about mothers, memories, grief, forgiveness, and the lessons that shape us long after childhood.

Together, they reflect on the strength of their mothers, the complicated beauty of mother-daughter relationships, the pain of losing a parent, and the signs, stories, traditions, and love that continue to keep their mothers close. This episode is a tribute to every mother, every daughter, and everyone learning how to honor both love and loss.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scar has a story. Every loss carries love, and every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Hi, and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and today's episode is one that's near and dear to my heart. It's about moms. We've all celebrate Mother's Day during the month of May, and I thought this could be a great time to talk about the emotions, the joy, the gratitude, the love that comes along with celebrating our moms. And for many people, this could be a tough time. It can bring grief, it can bring complicated emotions, relationships, or the ache of someone who's recently passed and deeply missed. And mothers do so much. They shape us in ways we've never thought possible, and maybe ways we didn't fully understand until we became adults, right? And they sacrifice quite quietly, they love fiercely, and they've made us into the women we are today. Good, bad, or indifferent. Not always in a way we would have done it, but it's actually the right way for us because that's how we've turned out. We've turned out strong, wonderful women. And today joining me are two incredible women. I have Michelle Giorno and Eileen Carey. And I cannot thank you ladies enough for being a part of the show today.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Happy to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Oh my gosh. So this is the Self-Love Club's Mother's Day edition. And I guess we'll open up with kind of a warm-up question. You know, maybe we'll start with Eileen. Tell us a little bit about your relationship with your mom growing up.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

Well, as you know, I'm the youngest of 13 children. Wow. So I grew up in a crowd. But somehow I was able to get the love that I needed. Um I was able to just grab my mother's hand or sit on her lap or sit next to her. Um so I was lucky in that I got a lot of one-on-one time with my mom. Wow. How about you, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00 2:43

That is so sweet. That reminds me of Saint Therese of Lazou. Um so beautiful. Um my mom is such an incredible um baddie. That's uh really truly my mom, like in my very early years, I was probably two or three, mom and dad decided to live in a van. And mom potty trained me um in a van, like the pickle jar was my potty. Mom told me there was one time uh the jar went rolling, then dad hit a break, the jar went rolling. I mean, yeah, I just just that. I mean, my mom's just amazing. That's incredible. So um she's Irish, you know, and very um just such a beautiful, loving presence.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

That and you know, that brings me to the next question. When you think of your mom, what's the first thing that comes to mind? And I think you've already touched on it. Love, love, unconditional love. Eileen, um what's something your mom did that you didn't fully appreciate until adulthood?

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Well, how does one woman have 13 children? First of all, carry those babies for nine months. Oh my god. And then she had me at the end, you know. I I wasn't even number one, you know, I came down there at 13. And she managed to make us all feel loved. Um, and along the way, you know, she instilled in me anyway, her love, her faith, her sense of family, and it was always a little bit of music in the soundtrack, you know. She was playing the piano and singing along.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

I love that. I love that. When I when I think back to my mom and my relationship with her growing up, it was it was just me and her. You know, it was just she and I against the world, and um she was the center of my world, and I think I was the center of her world. And it's such a beautiful relationship. And I, unlike you, Eileen, I was an only child. My mother said one was enough. So I had a quite different relationship, but mom was always, she took me everywhere. Wherever she went, I went. And and I think one of the things I think about when I like you, Michelle, when I think of her, is that she was a badass. She was an independent woman who didn't take no for an answer. She was a go-getter, resilient. And uh I think that I really admire how she handled being a single mom, you know, and and raising me and and I still being able to hustle and do everything.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Um speaking of that, Serena, that reminds me of something my mom always said to me, or what I said to my mom, is the way she treated other people too. Um, it wasn't just us. She said, you know, I I was always like, mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up. Like I want to be kind, caring, compassionate, like and doing for others. And I I would like to say that, you know, I am.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

I am that you know, Michelle, it's so funny because I I I think motherhood has changed over the generations in some ways. Um, I mean, the way you raise your children, Eileen, I'm sure it was different than how your mom raised you, or was it?

SPEAKER_03 6:37

Absolutely. Um, yeah. I mean, I grew up in a in a group, you know, almost like a little commune um in a wonderful neighborhood in Prospect Park in White Plains, and you just went outside and you played and you were gone for hours. Um, I think I kept closer tabs on my kids than that. Um, you know, they had their their safety zones where they could go. Um yeah, I only have three children, thank God. I have one daughter and I have my two boys. Um, but my mom taught me a lot about faith, the importance of faith, the importance of family. That's true. So I, you know, my husband and I, and we kept track we kept in touch with my big family and his big family. So my kids have 27 cousins. Oh my god. Yeah. No, my kids have 42 cousins, both sides, yeah. Oh wow. 42 first cousins.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

That's incredible. And and and what about you, Michelle? Has the the generations from your mom's parenting to how you parent, um, would you say that it's changed a lot or there's a lot of similarities?

SPEAKER_00 7:49

One of my favorite things I said to my mom and dad growing up was, you know, you guys love everything like all natural and all this wood and whatnot. I want everything to be shiny and just like like if you think about it, like industrial, modern industrial. And like, I am so not that. I am so like my mom and dad. And I love to garden like my parents. I love art like my parents. I love music, you know, those things you don't even realize.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

You don't realize what your parents which they give you. Yes. And it has nothing to do with money or material things. Right. It's it's the the the faith, like you said, Eileen, the strength, the the ability to appreciate nature, yeah, compassion, um, a work ethic, if you will, and even emotional safety. You know, I think we grew up learning uh how to be resilient. Or our parents taught us that in however which way they did it. Um and I think that something's gotten lost in the I don't know, in in this generation of like my children, the resilience I find, they don't have it as as uh ingrained in them as we did. And I don't know what what's different or what's changed um over time. And I'm still kind of figuring that out. But let's talk about mother-daughter relationships, right? Um it can feel so powerful, but yet sometimes so complicated. How was your relationship with your mom?

SPEAKER_03 9:38

Is uh Oh, I was I was lucky. Um she was my best friend. Um of course we had our teenage um trials, and I could be a real brat. I knew that. But she'd already had 12 kids before me. She knew what teenagers were like, she knew that this brattiness would pass, and she just loved me through it all. And I mean, she didn't let me get away with everything. Um, but being at the end, I did kind of get away with a few things. Um, but I guess we were friends and we shared, like I said earlier, that faith and the importance of family and getting everybody together. It was never like there's never enough room at the table uh for one more person.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

You know?

SPEAKER_01 10:35

How about you, Michelle? How's how's that mother-daughter relationship? Is it complicated?

SPEAKER_00 10:40

No, is it well? My mom's my best friend. I love her. She's just a true gem and the way she cares for my dad and helping him. My dad just was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's, early onset Alzheimer's, and you know, and he's a Vietnam vet. And I will tell you from firsthand experience growing up with a Vietnam vet, that was not easy from my perspective. I can't imagine being married, um, you know, and having to try to keep a stable, like um home and environment. I mean, my mom, she would chop firewood, she would walk down to the creek and get five gallon buckets of water and boil it so we could take a bath. Um, my mom is truly like just a badass. She worked full time, um, but I never ever felt like she wasn't available. Talk about like the ultimate like sacrifice. Incredible. I never felt like a bird.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Yeah, that that's awesome. I think I can relate a lot. I mean, my relationship with my mom, I think it ebbed and flowed because it was only the two of us, so there were no other people involved. So there were some times where we would fight like sisters, especially when I was a teenager and I knew everything, you know, or nothing in reality is what I knew. And mom would um she would tolerate a little bit, but she didn't have a high tolerance for any back talk or you know, insolence. She um she kind of put me in my place and I was scared of her. I she kicked my butt. And I mean, that's something that's really interesting too, you know. I mean, she was five foot two, you know, all about 20 pounds. You think of how little cute she was, and like, but she also grew up in New York City, and she she knew um, she knew who she was, and she instilled that in me that no matter what you go through in life, I think um you need to stand up for yourself and hold your boundaries, especially if you want to um succeed in in this world. And you can't always do it alone. A lot of times she would be going through a hard time, but she had support. She had friends. She, every Friday night I remember she would take me to her friend's house and they would have coffee and cake and be playing cards or or dominoes or whatever they were playing, and all the kids would hang out in front of the TVs, and and we'd be playing our own games or coloring or doing things. And I remember that I still this day the smell of cinnamon buns and coffee and cigarettes because that's what they did in laughter. And and then they would play music and then we would dance, and it was just the way to deal with whatever was going on in the world at that point. And it taught me that your support, the people you surround yourself with, is really how you get through some of the hardest times of your life.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Amen.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

You know?

SPEAKER_00 14:00

I'd I'd love to hear. So, in contrast to that, I was like, I grew up with we had parties every weekend, and I smelled pot, and I would go fetch beers for a quarter. And but there's always like Kat Stevens or Aria's Speedwagon or something playing in the background, but it was always like I mean, my parents just such like welcoming hosts, and always taking people in. Always. Yes, there was always parties, always, yeah. No stranger, you're you are just part of us, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

Parties and always everybody ended up around the piano. So my mom would play, and everybody could sing, and even if you couldn't sing, you know, friends, everybody can sing at the McGovern House. So um, yeah, lots of celebrations, parties. I don't know how she did it, you know, the Thanksgivings, the Christmases for 20, 30 people. It'd be like two big turkeys. And uh somehow she pulled it all off. So I'm I'm just in awe.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

That's incredible. You know, uh was there ever a moment when you suddenly understood your mother differently as an adult when you look back? Absolutely. Yeah, do you want to tell us about that?

SPEAKER_03 15:29

Yeah, well, I'm reflecting on my mom and I just think of how much she survived. So when I was a baby, I had two brothers in Vietnam. So she had two of her boys over there and they overlapped a little bit. Thankfully, they made it home. When she had 11 kids, one of my sisters got burned severely, fate almost fatally, but survived. Um, but that impacted not only my sister, but the whole family, because all of a sudden you have a child in the hospital for six weeks, and you have your mom out at the hospital too. And then I guess when my I think it was when I was born, my my parents were older, so they were 40 when I was born, and that was when dad started, you know, having his little dalliance with his mistress. And that was so hard for her. And I'm a baby, so I don't know anything about it. But when I was around 10 or 11, she finally got her strength and realized that it was time to make the break. So she filed for divorce, and that took a lot of courage because she had 10 years where things were not good with my father. Um so I admire her for that, and I think she did it for us. She kept the family together, she kept her marriage together as long as she could, but she realized this is not good for these little kids to see this. And I mean, she didn't tell me everything at that time because I was young, but say I'm in my twenties, right, and the stories began to unravel, and I appreciated her more.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Well, that's it. I mean, they it's funny how they've they felt that they could talk to us as we got older, you know, about some of some of the hard lessons that they've gone through. I I never realized my mother was um, I guess she was five years old when her own mother passed away. And her and she and her sister, her dad um was working and he couldn't take care of the girls. So instead of putting them with, you know, grandmother or splitting them up between aunts and whatever, he decided to put them in an orphanage.

SPEAKER_02 17:53

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

So they were in an orphanage up in Peakskill with the nuns. Um, I I'm still not sure how many years. I I have to check with my aunt on that, but uh I would say for well over seven, eight years. And um it's heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking. And then he finally remarried, and um, and when he did, he took the girls back home. But that impact on my mom's life. I mean, I remember for years, she'd if she wouldn't eat all the food on her plate, she'd scrape it onto my plate so it looked like her plate was clean. So that and I I realized that the nuns would would hit you with the ruler on your knuckles if you, you know, didn't that my mother being the personality that she was, she was always getting beefed by the nuns. So it was, you know, really challenging.

SPEAKER_03 18:42

Well, so much trauma for your mom. And I'm glad you brought that up because my mother lost her mother at age 10.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Um, and that affected her her whole life. She had a lot of, I don't know, somehow she felt guilty that if she had been a better little girl, her mother wouldn't have died, which is totally unreasonable. Um but she talked about that a lot. So I think when she reflected on having this big family, she once said, I think I did it for my mom. Like because her mom wanted a big family. She had my mother was one of four. Um, but she always wanted a big family. You know, she she I think it was in one of her yearbooks she was quoted as saying she wanted 10 kids. So um, but yeah, I think that loss stayed with her. Um and going back to the things that I think my mom is a survivor and strong. Um when I was in my twenties, we lost one of my brothers, which you know how much it impacts the family to lose and for a mother to lose a child. Oh yeah. Right? Um, and so I was really there with her throughout that grief, and we were friends at that point because I was 25. Um but to see what she did in my brother's memory, she founded a food pantry, she delivered meals to homebound people with AIDS. She was giving a hundred meals a night at one point. Yeah. So she took a negative situation, a loss, her grief. Yes, and she channeled it into service.

unknown 20:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

I love your mom. I love your mom too. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

I'm gonna cry things out. I know, I know. You think about that. I mean, there is no greater loss than losing a child. Losing a parent is is tough. Um, but it it's different, you know. Losing a child is just, it's just not natural, you know. And um, God bless your mom for for being a pioneer in that, in in doing what she did and and turning that negativity around. And I know when I went through my own situation, you helped me a lot by being my support and sharing with me some of the stories that your mom shared with you or or that she gave?

SPEAKER_03 21:13

Yeah, well, I had never heard that or learned that before. It wasn't anywhere in my consciousness, and then all of a sudden it's like, yeah, that's the hardest thing for a person, a parent to go through.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

How how does learning to love ourselves begin with healing our relationships to our mothers, our ourselves, our daughters? Um, you know, like talk about forgiveness or grace or or breaking unhealthy cycles that that come through, like maybe in relationships that our mothers had and and uh becoming the woman who you needed. Um do anybody wanna

SPEAKER_00 22:01

Yeah, I'll chat about that. Um, and I did just want to say one of the things about my mom when I saw her differently was um when she she's always been our advocate. And when she realized like my sister and I were being abused, and she you know, I can't imagine as a mom the pain that that caused her and the anger. But my mom, you know, after some time and she's taught me this and thank God, thank God, um, forgiveness and you can't hold on to anger because it only eats away at you.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

But my mom like just taught me and my sister. I didn't like truly, I always saw my mom, she was a sacrifice person, right? Like she would sacrifice everything for us, you know. She would, I mean, wear the same clothes, and I mean, just as a very broad and basic statement, but she would do that, you know, so that we could have a new pair of flip-flops or you know, and they couldn't afford glasses for me. And you know, and you know, there's that pride that comes in as parents, and you don't want to say I can't afford this, but you know, my mom, she was just our biggest advocate.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

Um Michelle, I'm really glad you touched on forgiveness because I think that is a gift that my mother showed me, you know, during difficult times with my dad when he could be verbally abusive. Um she would say, You have to pray for him and you have to pray for forgiveness. Like she knew it's not that easy, right? It's it's a process. Um, but she just she had that grace and that wisdom. I think she was very wise and she shared that, she imparted that with me. But forgiveness is a process, right? And she had to do her own work forgiving my father. Um so I'm glad you touched upon that. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Yeah, I think with my mom, um I think breaking unhealthy cycles throughout life and you know, being her dad was, I think, a bit abusive to both her and her sister. Um maybe not um sexually, but definitely verbally and probably physically, so much to the point where uh my mother stood up for herself when she started working. Her dad was like, Well, you're gonna give me your paycheck. You're gonna have to pay to live here in this house. And she said, like, hell I am. And so when he tried to hit her to take her paycheck, and uh, she went to court and got a restraining order against him and had the judge um come down and said to her father, my grandfather, you lay a hand on her, you're gonna be behind bars, you know, and uh incredible. So that is incredible.

SPEAKER_03 25:27

Your mom is a badass. She really is a badass.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

She didn't care, you know. She stood up for herself, she was not afraid, and she taught me that. She she had so much faith in me, more faith than I ever had in myself. But she also taught me that it's okay to fail. You just have to wipe the dirt off your knees and get back up again because the people that succeed always fail first. And that's how they become stronger and better. And it's just a great, great life lesson.

SPEAKER_03 25:59

I love that. Um, my mom always said, you know, the biggest men carry erasers on their pencils, you know, and nobody's perfect. Like she said that a lot. So it was as much about forgiving yourself and learning from your mistakes.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Oh, God, yeah. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

And I and I saw her do that herself, you know, learn to forgive herself, or you know, she she felt bad about herself, the breakup of her marriage. What did she do wrong? Which nothing.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Yeah, nothing. You know, it's it's funny. That's how we learn to give ourselves grace too, because for so often when things don't go the way we've planned, and I love to plan, Lord knows. But things, life happens. And when I went through infertility, I kept thinking of myself as a failure. I that my body was failing me, I was failing my husband. Um, and but that was couldn't have been further from the truth. It was just whatever was going wrong with me at the time. I I had to just figure it out and work through it. And and eventually I ended up with triplets. So something went right. But I think learning to give yourself grace and learning to forgive yourself or or extend to yourself that not everything is gonna go according to plan, and that's part of our journey. We have to learn to pivot and and tomorrow's another day and just keep trying, right? Right. Um yeah, do you want to add something, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00 27:38

Oh, uh just um no. No. Not right now.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

What's what's your well I was gonna just talk a little bit about losing a mom, you know, and I know that your God bless your mom is still here, and thank God. But uh both Eileen and I have lost our mom, and I think that it changes something fundamentally inside of you, even as adults. Um, there's that feeling that someone who's known your story, known you your whole life, is suddenly no longer physically there, right? And I'm still walking through this reality myself and and coming to terms with it. And sometimes I think I got this, and other times I'm just a puddle of tears, you know. Um what do you think people misunderstand about grief from losing a parent?

SPEAKER_03 28:34

Well, certainly if you've never gone through it, it's it's more ignorance, I guess. Um, you know, fortunately, hopefully you don't have to go through it until they're you know have lived a long happy life. Um but I I had a friend who once told me, you never get over losing your mom. And I felt that to be true for a while. My mom passed in 2011, and I was surprised at how much I grieved and how sad I was for, I would say at least the first year. Um and it was around that time I was emptying out her house, which you're just doing, yes, or just finished doing for your mom. And I was just so so heavy. And I was out walking, and what do I find but a butterfly? And it's just there on the ground. And I was like, Why are you there? And I go and I put my finger and it climbs up and it comes for a walk with me. And I was like, All right, mom, I'm gonna be already. I just want you to know, I know this is a sign from you, and thank you, you know. And I bring it inside and I show her, look, here's all the stuff from your house. And I show my kids, they're like, Okay, mom. But that's my sign, and it was very healing for me. Um, so I'm very open to signs, and and I can remember her now and not be in that deep, dark place that I was so soon after her um death. But certainly surrounding myself with friends and family, and my, you know, I'm lucky I have sisters nearby and my brothers, and we all kind of feel that loss, or we felt it. So um, even this Mother's Day that we were um talking about earlier, um, I'm blessed I have a beautiful mother-in-law and a beautiful family on my husband's side, and we celebrated her. Um, and then at the end of the whole weekend, I was kind of like, oh, I miss my mom. Yeah. Um, also, I didn't have my children with me either. So yeah, yeah. I was like, um, so I called up my sisters and we met at my mom's favorite restaurant and we shared a meal and stories. So it's stories, Serena. That story about your mom, you know, taking her father to court. I mean, you're, you know, and that's how we I survive. Yeah, I tell stories, I share stories, and it keeps them alive.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

It's so true. I I um this Mother's Day, I had one of my children graduating in um from college. Congratulations. That's a nice Mother's Day gift. It was, it was really nice. And I I guess the change of scenery was good because, you know, usually it's the kids and not me, and we all go out to dinner and we we have a fun time, but it kind of distracted me a little bit. Not that mom wasn't always forefront in my mind, but it it gave me another way to um celebrate something as opposed to feeling sad. And and we traveled home on Mother's Day, and my husband took me out to dinner, and it it was it was nice, but I um I I do we talk about my mom, and even over dinner we would talk about the stories about how she loved to have her sweet, sweet wine. And then after every meal, every time we went out to dinner, she had to have coffee. And she had to have coffee with like 14 sugars. I'm exaggerating, but like five sugars and milk, and a little ice vanilla ice cream, and she was so and maybe a little bailey's on the side if we were really going crazy. Um, but it's just like like you say, Eileen, the stories like that that bring our smiles and memories. And I know that your mom lives still in the South, and you know, how does that impact you for Mother's Day?

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Uh, so it's so cool. This was the first Mother's Day I actually spent with her.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

Really?

SPEAKER_00 32:46

Um in a long time. Um, you know, my son lives up here, and it's hard to like split that time. Um, but I told my son Karen, I'm like, hey, I'm gonna go down to Georgia, I'm gonna work for the week, I'm gonna spend Mother's Day with my mom. Like, I I realize like time is of the essence, and I need to spend that time with her. And um oh my goodness, mommy, she was so cute. And to just my sister and I to she got to see all her three of her kids on Mother's Day, and it was such a gift. What a gift, and you know, it didn't go remiss for mom, and I did have a little sadness. I missed Karen so much. Um he wrote me the most beautiful card. I wanted to read what he wrote, yeah, if that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

I would love that.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

Um because we celebrated last Saturday after I'd gotten home. We were sitting on the patio, and um I'll share it. Maybe at the end, sure I'll read what he wrote. Absolutely. You know, my mom just it was so such a gift, truly. You know, and I wanted to also share, you know, I haven't lost my mom, but when we lost my grandmother, her mom, um you find out things sometimes after someone's passed that you had known, and I mean, you know, you find out something and you're just like, wow, like you never knew certain things. And I walked in, I'd flown down for grandma's funeral, and my dad he has a twisted sense of humor, and he like pointed at me and laughed, and he's like, Ha ha, you always thought that you're Irish and Norwegian, and he's like, But you're part Chickies, and I'm like, what is happening? And mommy's like, Well, we found your grandmother's birth certificate and uh fella adopted her. Oh so my who I thought was my grand great-grandpa, he was he was, but he adopted her. Wow. So it's like, yeah, the stories that our mothers hold, and especially back in the day, you know, and they keep those things to themselves.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Because you don't you didn't air your your laundry, dirty laundry. You just didn't air your dirty laundry, everything I'm like the complete opposite.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

I'm an open book.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

Yes. Well, you and me both kid.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

That's okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

That's okay. Oh my gosh. So let's um talk a little bit more about how, you know, um losing a mom. Have there been moments where you've felt, well, you did. You said you felt your mom's presence um with the butterfly. I felt my mom's presence. When I was cleaning out her house, I would find dimes. And I know there's a thing called dimes. And I would just like go through pockets and there'd be dimes falling out. I would open a closet door, there's dimes. Even today I went to grab some paperwork off the printer, and sitting right by the ink cartridge was a dime. And I'm like, wow, you know. So I I I I do feel and somehow I don't know how we know, but we know it's a message or a sign from our moms, or you know, yeah. It just it comes clearly as this is from them.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

And my mom uh came to me very clearly um with the number 13. And that's uh her birth date is 4.13, and then I'm the 13th child, so I see it everywhere. I go to look at my watch, it's 4.13. Or uh I see the numbers on a license plate, and there it is, 13.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

That's awesome. I love that.

SPEAKER_03 36:41

And I just I'm like, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 36:42

Yeah, well, that's it. You're all around me. What advice would you give to someone experiencing their first Mother's Day without their mom? I mean, you touched on this a little bit, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:55

Um, I I love kind of what you did. You know, you were maybe out of your norm, right? Um, and you didn't have your children either. Right, right. Um definitely surround yourself with family and hug if you are lucky enough to have children, hug your children and pass that love along, right? And um and the story, share stories, right? Share stories, sing songs. I mean I have so many memories tied with songs and it'll just one of them will just pop up on the radio, or I'll just start singing it in my head, and I'm like, where did this come from? Okay, mom.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

And if your mom could sit beside you for five minutes today, what would you want to say? Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And it was really sweet because my whole life, when she would sign her letter, she would say, Thanks for choosing me. Because she felt that on like a soul level, her children chose her to be their mom. So, and I say thank you for for having me and for doing such a great job. Um, yeah, and I love you. Um, and I feel you, I guess that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

That's beautiful, I mean. I know.

SPEAKER_03 38:25

If I could have her for five minutes, I just want to hold her hand and rub her hair. She would never let me rub her hair.

SPEAKER_02 38:31

You're ruining my blowout. Oh, my mother.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

I know. My mom was here for five minutes. Just just want to just bask in the in the love and and just, you know, her quirkiness and fun. I'm I guess I'm blessed because my mom was such a big force and a big part of my life that she hung out with all of us. She did. She did. You know, and just just I think I would just dance with her one more time to like bring my bell or one of those great 70s disco songs and just um just just enjoy the energy, you know, and and just have fun and laugh and be carefree and be a free spirit because you know it's it's what life is all about, right?

unknown 39:21

Right.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

Serena, it's so funny because after my mom passed, I glommed onto your mother. And her mother's name is Joan, the same as my mother. And your mother would be like, All right, Eileen. You know, and I'm like, Joan, Joni! She'd be like, All right, Eileen, she loved you though.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

She did. Oh my God. Oh I love mom. Oh, she was a pizza work. She was a pizza. Oh, she has she is. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 39:52

Well, maybe you can write down some of those stories about her.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

I I do. And I think, you know, she gave us some traditions and that I still keep alive. And one of the things she taught my children and me was how to be a good card player. And not necessarily poker, but poker too. But we used to play rummy all the time. And my mom wasn't the type of mom that would let you win as a even as a kid. Oh no. And when you lost, she was kind of like a sore winner. She'd be like, oh, you lost. I beat you, you know. And she would laugh. And um, so I think, you know, just that ability to be a game player, to have fun, it she's passed out of town. So now I'm learning how to play Mahjong and it reminds me a lot of Rummy. So um it's uh it's kind of fun. Do you have a tradition that you, you know, I mean your mom's still here, but that you know you'll keep and pass on?

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Um yes, two things. One, um I just wanted to say about feeling the presence. I still feel my grandma's presence. I used to go to mass with my grandma, and I'm a big, I go to mass all as often as I can. And um when you really just are thinking about that person, sometimes you feel their presence. Um, I remember smelling, and I guess it was maybe incense, but I was like, you know, grandma like it was so cool. But um one of the traditions, um, just a segue now to that, my mom is like such an amazing host, hostess, and uh an amazing cook and a baker. She owned a bakery, um, but she puts love and intention into everything she makes.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

And I know that's how I am. I mean, it is how I am. So I know that that'll just be part of my thread.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

I love that. What about you, Eileen? Is there a tradition?

SPEAKER_03 41:59

Absolutely. Um, my mom and I enjoyed going to mass together, so we we had a shared spirituality. Um that also was beyond church. You know, we liked, you know, she had her little set of runes, and we've had tarot cards, and uh we've uh visited, you know, different psychics over the years, so she's definitely come through for me. Um definitely singing Broadway songs, um Cole Porter, George Gershwin. Um that is definitely a tradition. And gathering for for every occasion. Um I threw a 75th birthday party for my oldest brother, I threw a 70th for my other brother, and um I feel like she appreciates that that I'm a bit of a connector, you know. I bring people together, and it's never, oh, we can't invite everybody. We do invite everybody, which sometimes I make myself crazy. And she she would get a little stressed out, you know, before Christmas and everything, like with all the presents and all that. Um, but and Christmas is a big tradition too. Um just decorating the house, the Carols, um, you know, Christmas is my mom for sure.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

Oh, I love that. I love that. Um what do you think? Um do you see parts of your mom in you now? Um when you well, I know when I look in the mirror, sometimes I I I see my mom reflected in there, and it just it warms my heart, honestly. And um I you know, when I think about you know what my mom would want for me now in my life, I think peace. I think she'd want me to have just uh peace of mind or just just peace of knowing that she's okay. And that she and my son Scott are together. And um, just a funny little aside on that story when Scott first passed, um, you know, we were all shocked and devastated. And as the years have gone on, we would talk about it. And I'd be we'd be like, Mom, you know, you're gonna be 88. You're you're probably gonna be the next one of us to go. Um, so when you see Scott up in heaven, you give him a punch for me saying, you know, what he did was wrong, you know, and he really messed up. And she said, Don't worry, I got this. So within a day or two of mom passing, talk about signs, I have this dream. And Scott comes to me in my dream and he's got this black eye. And I look at him and I'm like, I'm like, what's that? And he's like, nana, because that's what we called her, you know. And I'm like, what? And then he erases it because it was just energy. And he goes, Just kidding, you can't get those here. But he wanted to show me that she kept true on her promise, giving him the black. That is that is beautiful. And uh, but it's you know, and I know that they're together. I I went to a medium as well, and and she said that, you know, it was a little different than what my mother would have expected. She would have expected to welcome him, but he welcomed her into heaven and he said, Welcome to the party, Nana. And they went off dancing together because that's what they would do. Yeah, you know. Love that. And what what do you think your mom would want for you for your life right now?

SPEAKER_03 45:34

Oh, she wants me to love myself purely, unconditionally. Um she wants me to have peace, peace of mind, peace in my heart. She wants me to love purely and unconditionally. She wants me to let go of any judgment of others of myself. Wow. Very high aspirations. I'm trying, mother.

SPEAKER_02 46:00

No.

SPEAKER_01 46:01

And I know your mom's still here, but I know your mom wants things for you too, right now in your life.

SPEAKER_00 46:07

Yeah. Mommy, I love that you both said peace. That's so true. You know, she just wants that peace. Yeah. But I also I just I know my mom wants me to feel like I'm enough. Like I am enough. And I am God the Father's beloved daughter, and and that I'm worthy of all the good things. And um and that the the bad things they're they were just lessons. Yeah. They were just lessons, and you know, it it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 46:44

I love that. Um to finish the sentence. The greatest thing my mother taught me was kindness.

SPEAKER_03 46:56

The thing that's popping in my head is love. Because I remember asking her when I was pregnant with my second child, and I was like, Mom, like, how can I love this baby as much as I love my first baby? And she said, There's always enough love to go around. That's amazing. Always enough love to go around.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Who better to say that? Yeah, 13 children.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

You would have thought I would get the dregs at the end, but I didn't. I didn't. There it's true. She had enough love to go around. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 47:31

The greatest thing my mom taught me, I believe, is being independent. Independence. Um, I think it was really one of the the greatest lessons she ever could teach me that I didn't have to rely on anyone else, that relying on myself would be enough. And um and that I am enough. And it's it's true. Um, how about one word to describe your mom? A favorite memory, or maybe something your mom always said. Go ahead. I'm like, oh, there's so many.

SPEAKER_00 48:06

There's so many. You can't go first.

SPEAKER_01 48:09

All right. Well, I think my mom uh favorite memory would be that no matter where we were, she always would love to dance. Whether it was the local pizzeria, we'd be on the beach and there'd be a band playing. Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. It could be just in the streets and we'd be dancing across the street. It's just that was one of the the greatest memories. And then of course, mom was a bit of a fashionista, so she always had to have her high heels on with her sweatpants and um just the cutest outfits. And uh one of the funniest things is uh going through all of mom's stuff. My daughter happens to be the exact same size as my mom, and boy, she's gotten a whole new wardrobe now. Wow, and it's just so fun seeing her try on clothes and everything. It's just that's awesome. I love that. I just yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:02

That reminds me of my mom. My mom has a dance, it's called the Cecil Shuffle, and it's like moonwalking, but she's doing the chicken arms and she's saying, Nick, nick, nick, nick. Like it's just the cutest thing.

SPEAKER_03 49:20

So the most tender memory that I have is just that physical closeness and that we would hold hands. So we'd be walking the beach, collecting shells, holding hands, or I'll just be sitting next to her on the couch and we kind of hold hands. And it's just such a tender uh memory. Yeah, and we did that up until the end. Yeah. Um that's so sweet. So I guess I miss that physical kind of closeness. Yeah. Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_01 49:56

Oh, honey. I think this is a good segue for you to share.

SPEAKER_00 50:01

I'm gonna try real hard not to cry.

SPEAKER_01 50:04

It's okay if you do. We're here for you, baby.

SPEAKER_00 50:07

The front of the card is a butterfly, half of a butterfly. Oh. And um, it says, Mom, thank you for helping me be me. And he said wrote, Dear Mama, and then this is the card part. You've always been the one who encouraged the best of me, handled the worst of me, and embraced the parts of me that made me unique. I don't know who I would be without you loving me. Happy Mother's Day. And then he wrote, Even if we couldn't spend this Mother's Day together, I'm blessed to see you every day at home. I'm so thankful for all that you do, and I will forever cherish our conversations. Thank you for always being my mom, my friend, and an endless support. Love her and I love that.

SPEAKER_01 51:01

Oh my gosh. Oh, honey. Oh, to anyone listening today that celebrates Mother's Day or maybe grieving a mother or trying to become one, healing from a complicated relationship, or simply missing someone, this conversation shows you that we've all been through it and you and you're not alone. Love changes form, but it never disappears. And maybe the greatest lesson our mothers leave us with is that the people we love continue by living inside of us, in our choices, in our kindness, in our traditions, and in our hearts. And as always, I like to end each show with a poem from my son Scotty, and of course he wrote one about his mom. And this one, it says, most people, if not all, love their mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. But a mother is the one who holds everyone so tight, stops all the fights, and cooks dinner every night. Now, look, nobody's perfect, and everyone deserves love and appreciation, no abbreviations. Love is something not everyone possesses. Most people repress it. Some can't even express it. But I can say for sure, my mom gives more love than anyone perceives. She does so much for everyone you wouldn't even believe. People mostly look past her, but even the dog knows she's the master. Mom, I want you to know I will always turn your seat heater on because I'm that much of a bastard. He gave me thumb made me think I was having hot flashes at bum. Well, and now we'd like to toast our self-love club tradition. Here's to all our moms.

SPEAKER_03 53:02

And one more uh toast to uh my grandma, being a grandma. My mom always told me how fabulous it was going to be, and she was right. Oh, here's too baby girl.

SPEAKER_01 53:14

Oh, I love that. I love you. And all the mamas out there. Thank you. To our audience, please be gentle with yourself. Honor your love, honor the grief, and remember, you are never alone. This is SOS Stories of Survivors, where survival sparks the soul. We'll see you next week.

unknown 53:40

Thank you.