Ep. 055 | The Woke Widow: Turning Grief, Betrayal, and Loss Into Healing

In this powerful episode of SOS Stories of Survivors, Serina sits down with Jean Gutierrez, also known as The Woke Widow, to share her extraordinary journey through unimaginable loss, betrayal, grief, and spiritual awakening.

After losing her mother, her father, and then suddenly the love of her life, Jean’s world unraveled even further when painful secrets came to light. Through heartbreak, anger, and deep healing, she found her way back to herself through spirituality, sound healing, hypno breathwork, and self-love.

Jean’s story is a reminder that even in our darkest moments, healing is possible, purpose can be found, and survival can truly spark the soul.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scar has a story. Every loss carries love, and every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Hi, and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and with me today is a woman who has an incredible story. Not only did she lose her mom and then her father, but then she lost the love of her life. But more than that, secrets came out. Her life unraveled before her eyes, but yet she was able to pull it together and recover from the journey that she was on and make it something spectacular. Today I am so honored to welcome Jean Gutierrez. Jean, welcome to SOS. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited. Oh, me too, me too. So tell us a little bit about who you were before your life changed. How where did you grow up?

SPEAKER_02 1:18

How many siblings do you have? Honestly, I had a really great childhood. I have nothing to, you know, I thought life was pretty great. My mother and father, I grew up in Staten Island. Um I have a brother, a younger brother. Um Staten Island was a special place in its own, right? Um talk about I know a guy, right? Um know a few guys. So um I had a great childhood, you know. My dad, I was definitely a daddy's girl. Um baseball was our thing. I used to play softball. I used to go to all my dad's games. We were really close. Um I would say my mom, you know, we were closer, but it was there was some emotional unavailability with her. Um but overall I had a great childhood.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

And yeah. Looking back, what what did family mean to you then? What kind of traditions did you have?

SPEAKER_02 2:12

You know, it was definitely Sunday dinners. You know, my dad was Italian. Like that was, you know, we had the spaghetti meatballs, like that whole burgiole, like all that the gravy. Yes, it was the gravy. So that you know, but my mother, um, she was Puerto Rican. So I really had the best of both worlds as far as you know, food. Let's just say that. Um, but yeah, no, I have a very big family, lots of cousins, um, aunts and uncles, and um holidays were big. You know, awesome. Yeah, it was great. It was great. Um, and my brother, you know, he we're close, you know, he's like my best friend. How many years apart are you? We're um two years apart. So yeah, he's two years younger than me. And um, yeah, he's my best friend.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

So that's beautiful. That that's how it should be, right? Exactly, yeah. Life was good. Yeah. Talk to me about how, you know, how your life changed. Talk about losing your mom and and how that impacted you. How old were you when that all that happened?

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Um, so I was in college, I believe, when she had first, oh no, it was right after when she had gotten sick. So she battled cancer. Oh, it was maybe over like four years, I would say. So it was kind of a long battle for her. Um through that process, I discovered, you know, my grandmother, her mom had um ovarian cancer. So then she had something similar. It was like in the uterus, and um, I had discovered later on that I was brachapositive. So that was just an interesting, you know, um thing to find out through all that. But she, you know, she taught me a lot about death. It was interesting. Each person did that had passed, but you know, she went to hospice, so we knew it was coming. It was more of like a slow, drawn-out thing. And I remember one day we were in hospice, and there was a musician that was coming to the um facility, and she was like, I really want to go see him play. And I was like, Okay. So I wheeled her out in the wheelchair and we're sitting there. And she's just staring at him play, and she's so present. And I'm just staring at her, and I'm just amazed at how someone could be sick and knowing that they're gonna die any day, and she's just so present in the moment. She wasn't worried about that, and I was just so blown away by that. She had such style and grace like in life, and it really it translated in death as well. So I thought that was just so beautiful, and she really made death seem like such a beautiful thing to me. Was she was she young? Yeah, she was 56, I believe, when she commenced. Yeah, she was young. So it was it was a lot for us. It was our first, like, really huge, huge loss. And your parents were still together when she was still together, and you know, I was there for the last moments, holding her hand. Like I really wanted to be there. Um again, that musician that was there, she wanted him in the room at the in the last moments. So he came into the room and he was like playing a song for her. And then she took her last breath, and it was it was just really beautiful. That sounds so beautiful. It was wow. It was a beautiful experience. And I remember sitting in there afterwards, and I was thinking to myself, okay, everyone left the room, and I'm just sitting there with my mom and I'm I'm waiting for a sign, right? You're just like, okay, like you see it in the movies and and books, and you're just like, okay, something's gonna happen. And and nothing happened. And um I did something in that room. I moved something, or I did something, and I never told anyone. And I always said to myself, if I ever, you know, go to a psychic or go to a medium or something like that, I will know for sure that you are here if you mention this thing. And no one has yet done done that for me. No, but before my mom passed, you know, we had a lot of talks, and I'm so grateful for those moments to, you know, say everything that I needed to say to her and her as well. Um, because like I was saying earlier, she was a bit emotionally unavailable for me in some ways. So there was a lot of things we had to, you know, talk about. And I asked her, I said, you know, before you pass like when you pass, I need to know that you're okay. Yeah. Like, what are you gonna send me? I need a sign, like let's communicate in some way, you know, if there is another side. Right. And she said, I'll come to you as a red bird. And I was like, okay. And never really thought about it after that. And then I had come to learn that the cardinal was right. That's the symbol of it. No idea about that. And um later on in my story, that really um kind of connects, but I won't spoil it yet.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

But oh, so just um how did that loss, the loss of your mom? I mean, because I just recently lost my mom. Oh, I'm sorry. And so I it's it's hard. It's hard to lose your mother, you know. No matter how old you are, let me add. Um, how did that impact you?

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Oh my god, tremendously. Uh it was this feeling of like the person that loves you the most is gone. And you know, when things happen in life, like big milestones, you don't you can't call them. And then you feel guilty for like being happy sometimes, and then you learn that joy and grief can coexist, and it's just you feel like a part of your childhood is is gone. It's yeah. It's hard.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

It is, it's hard. But but you know, they do live on through us, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you you you think to yourself, okay, well, what's the best way to honor them is to take care of their baby, which is you, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

I love that. Oh my gosh. And and and then uh you lost your dad out after how how far?

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Yeah, it was just a few years after my mom, and this was just so he was so lost without her. It was like that typical, like, you know, broken heart. Oh yeah, right? Absolutely. And um, you know, I tried as much as I could to be there because at this point I had moved to Connecticut. So I had started my own life, my husband, my kids, and you know, my dad was all alone there. And I would go there as much as I could, and I remember he like made me dinner and he was so proud that he like did everything and he had the dishes in the sink, and I was like, I'll wash them. He was like, No, no, no, I'm gonna do it. And I was like, okay. And he was like, if I ain't gonna do it, if I don't do it, ain't nobody gonna do it. It was like this, like he was the telling. Yeah, it was, you know, it was cute, but at the same time, it like kind of broke my heart. I was like, Oh, he's so lonely and sad, you know. But um, yeah, when he after my mom passed, and then when he had passed, I found his cell phone when I was cleaning out the house, and he wrote a message to my mom, like a text, and she had already passed, and it was like, happy birthday, like to my angel, and had it like broke my heart, but um, so yeah, he was lost without her. But when he got sick, he got cancer as well, so he had colon cancer.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Oh for you.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

And his was a completely different story. It was a very traumatic, um, fast um ending, we'll say. So he had surgery, and you know, he was feeling good after the surgery, came home, we had him all, you know, set up. He was like, I'm good, I'm good. That night I get a call in the middle of the night, screaming in pain. My uncle brings him to the hospital, the local one though, because he should have been in Manhattan, but whatever. This is a side note. So I drive from Connecticut to Staten Island, I get to the hospital, he's screaming in pain, and he's like, Jeannie, help me, help me. And I'm talking to the nurses, they're like, We're we're waiting for a CAT scan, we're waiting for this, but I just knew something else was wrong. Like, this was not just a simple pain. Like, my dad does not scream like this. This is serious. So I was just really agitated with the nurses, and I'm in the medical field, so I was trying my best to be polite, but at the same time, I was like, something needs to happen right now. He is in pain. And he looked at me and he's like, Jeannie, get me the F out of here.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:27

So against medical advice, I was like, All right, I pulled up the car and got him in the car. Like, in some ways, I'm like my dad in that way. Like, I don't take shit from anybody. Good. Um, and my mom is more the graceful, like that part of me too. But in this moment, I was all my dad. I'm like, get in the car, we get in the car, I'm speeding, you know, swerving through lanes, switching lanes to get to Sloane because that was where his you know surgeon was. And as we're driving, he's screaming the entire time. We pull up to the hospital. I get out of the car and he goes into shock. And I don't know if you've ever experienced that, but I had never experienced seeing someone go into shock before. It was terrifying. He was frozen in a way that I I couldn't I couldn't move his limbs. And he was like shaking, his eyes rolled back. I I thought he was dying right there on the street. So I'm screaming in the middle of the street in Manhattan. Everyone's just walking by. No one exactly. And then luckily there was an ambulance across the street and they saw me and they ran over and they did like by angels, I don't know, but they took over and they brought him in, and I just like sat in the middle of the street. Like, what just happened? Um, because I knew that once I walked in there, I was like, this is not gonna go well. And that was the decline right there from there.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Was it was it something went wrong with the surgery?

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Yeah, so he ended up septic. Um yeah, and then it just yeah, it was just downhill from there. Then he was like, um, yeah, it was it was it was bad from there. So it was it was very traumatic. Like he fought till the end, whereas my mom was so graceful. So and that's just how he was, too. Like how I was saying my mom was a very graceful, elegant woman, and and my dad was like a fighter. He's like, don't take anyone, you know, true Italian, like, and that's how he was. Isn't that funny? Uh uh as they are in life, right? It was amazing to witness that. And I was like, wow, they've taught me both so much. Little did I know both of those teachings from each of them were preparing me for what was next.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

What what are some of the lessons that grief taught you during those years?

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Oh my gosh. Grief taught me that it is the greatest teacher. Yeah, it is the greatest teacher, it really strips away like any illusions, anything that you thought was important, right? It it's just it wakes you up. Changes you, right? You transform from that. Absolutely. You're never the same. It changes you on a cellular level. Yes. It's it's you're never the same. You're never the same. And um honestly though, it's it's also a gift. I I really do believe that uh to experience pain is a privilege because it really gets you to look at yourself and to maybe make a change or whatever it is, whatever type of pain it is, even if it's not grief, but any kind of trauma, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Exactly. It forces you to wake up. It does, and and to to fill that void or that hole with something. Hopefully, you learn to fill it with self-love and good things. But exactly. So many of us tend to self-destruct when we're going through things like that as well. Been there. Oh, I know we're gonna get there. Yes. Um, let's let's talk a little bit about, you know, how you met your husband and and so I went to Sacred Heart University.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

I had the best years of my life there.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

And I had met him there, but he did not go to the school. So I used to bartend and I was just having fun. I was free. I was like, I don't want a boyfriend. I'm good. I have my friends. And he would come into the bar every single night. Every night, and he would just say, you know, let me take you out, let me take you out. And I'd say, No, no, no, no, no. I'm good. And then he got me with this one line, and I'm like, I still think about that line. He got me. And it was like, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Either I take you out and you get a free dinner out of the deal, or we get married and have kids. And I was like thinking to myself, well, as a college student, ramen every night was not a great option. So I'm like, all right, if this guy gives me dinner, he'll leave me alone, we'll just be friends, right? Right. And then that's how I thought about it. Little did I know that we would be inseparable after that. And really? Yeah, we he took me on this date, and honestly, everything that could possibly go wrong on the date went wrong. It was the place that he made reservations was actually the wrong place. And then when we got there, it was under renovation, it was actually closed, and then it was started downpouring rain, and we're running in the rain, and he puts his jacket on me, and I'm like, this dude, I'm like, is he kidding me? He's like, All right, let's run in here. We run into this open door, and it was almost as if all the music stopped. It was this salsa club. Wow. And we both didn't know how to like salsa. So I look at him and I'm like, Do you know how to salsa? He's like, No, but you want to dance? And it was like a professional, like they were the real deal, and us were like stepping on each other's feet, and we were just having so much fun. And that's how we kind of knew it was very like I don't know, it was like a meant-to-be type of thing. Yeah. Oh, that's we had a great time. Yeah. So and then you got married, and how many kids did you have? We had two kids. Yeah. So I have a daughter, Sienna, and my son is Hudson. Oh. They're the best. And um, yeah. Yeah. So Oh my God. Well, so and what was your relationship like with him? We had a great relationship. We were fun and spontaneous. Um What did he do for work? So he was in recruiting at one point. He was also he was also a breakdancer, I need to say that. Because yes, he was actually like really good, too. Um and he would kind of get sponsorships and bust him. Yeah, like that was one of the reasons that I gave him a chance to. Um but he couldn't salsa. Go fix it. Yeah, well, there you go. Yeah, salsa, you know. But he was a great guy, honestly. Was he a good dad? He was a great dad. He was a great dad. And, you know, he had his vices. Like he he drank. And, you know, when I was a bartender, you know, that was an issue that was when we first started dating, he was drinking heavily. But then I had gotten pregnant, and you think, oh, party time's over, right? But didn't really kind of stick for him. And I was like, okay, what's going on here? Um, but he eventually realized that, okay, I have a problem, like, I need to handle this, I need to fix this. And it took a long time. But he, you know, went to AA and he did all the things he needed to do, and he was sober for a really long time. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, no, it was great for a while.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

Yeah, and then and then when did things change? What happened? I'm trying to think exactly when.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

I would say after my son was born, he was doing great until he had an injury. So he tore his bicep tendon.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

And he had surgery and then he was put on pain meds.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Oh boy.

unknown 17:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:44

And I don't think we realized the power of them at the time. This was before it was really spoken about. Yeah, opioids. Yeah, we didn't become a thing until you didn't realize how powerful they were. So for a long time I didn't know what was going on. It was kind of hidden. Um so yeah, I really don't know exactly how long, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

But but you knew something was changing. You could see shifts in his personality. Because when, you know, you once an addict, I mean, it's it's you you kind of see those telltale signs and and then they feel guilty about it too, and they start to hide it a little bit. Absolutely. Um was he still working with his injury?

SPEAKER_02 18:28

That's what was so kind of confusing about it because well, I was working too, two kids working, like it I barely saw him.

unknown 18:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

You were living a dream, right? I was like, okay, you know, we we really had our own lives, like just trying to pay bills and you know, be with the kids, and we didn't really have too much alone time, but I did know something was off. I could tell.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

But when I confront him, it was, you know, denial of you know what else is.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Right. What are they gonna say? Exactly. So, you know, you're married, you've got kids, you're working, you've got a full, full life. Things are, you know, I'm sure crazy with the children, getting them to their sports. And was he a hands-on? Did he help you with that too? Yep, very and so you know, you you don't realize that something's wrong until what happened?

SPEAKER_02 19:23

So we had just closed on a brand new home. Okay, so my parents both passed, and uh things were finally starting to turn around for me. I was like, oh, you know, we're gonna buy a new home and this is gonna be great. And we were moving the boxes. It was in like a storage unit situation, but he had to get get on a flight and he had to leave for a business trip. So he's like, Listen, the movers are gonna get here, uh, you're they're gonna help you, and you guys will figure it out, and I have to get this plane. So he gives me a kiss goodbye in the storage unit. It's like it was just the two of us. It was such a like I don't know, and I look back, it was kind of an eerie space, you know. There's nothing around us, it's just boxes and storage units, and it's just me and him. And he gives me this kiss, and I immediately knew. I was like, he's using. And I was like, What do I do? I didn't know what to say. Like it was supposed to be a happy day.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

And he was about to leave. So I'm like, okay, what's the point in fighting right now about this? Like, I'm just gonna deal with this when he gets back.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

You know, I had been there before, like, you know, with the ups and downs with him. So I was like, I'm not gonna ruin my happy day because of his. Now, what give you that that you the taste or what it is? Intuition. Intuition, yeah. Women's intuition. You just know. You know, oh my gosh, you just know. And I remember sitting in the car and he leaves, and I'm just sitting there by myself looking around, like, what am I gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 20:55

Yeah, you know, it's so heavy because there's so much writing on the relationship, and you're fully invested in it. And when the other person isn't, you know, they pretend to be, it's really it's it's it's hard.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Yeah, you love them so much, you want what's best for them, you know what they can be and their potential, right? But he just yeah, he had his demons. So it was it was hard. And you know, you try to be strong for the kids, and you're I wanted so badly because I don't know if this was because of my family, how I grew up. We were just loyalty, and we were to get, you know, my parents were together for so long, like they stuck it out no matter what, and I felt this almost like I I had to do that too. I had to hold this family together. I have to keep us together no matter the cost.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

I don't know why I put that on myself, but that's where I was at at that time.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Yeah. Oh my gosh. So, so you the movers came, yes, they helped you with the boxes, you get into Your new place. Beautiful house. Oh my gosh. And then a couple days later, he comes home.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

Not exactly. But so a few days later, uh a neighbor across the street, or actually around the corner, she comes over to me. She's like, hey, like we're doing this, you know, girls' night. You should come. You're new to the neighborhood. You can meet everybody. So I was like, oh my God, you know, that would be great. Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna go. So even though there's boxes everywhere, I was like, I'll deal with it later. And I go, and it's around like maybe six o'clock at that point. And I realized, hmm, my husband hasn't called me. And he usually would call me before he'd get on a flight. And I was like, all right, maybe he's just rushing and busy. I really didn't think anything of it. I was so busy unpacking. I really wasn't worried about what he was doing. And then suddenly my phone starts buzzing. And it's an Arizona number. And that's where he was for his business trip. And I think to myself, he's supposed to be home at this point. Why am I getting an Arizona number? I'm like, what did he do? Yeah. I was like, what happened? And then it started buzzing that I had a voicemail. So I was like, something told me to just like go inside to check this. Don't check it here in front of everybody. So I get up, I go inside this woman's house that I don't even know. And I'm like in her kitchen or dining room, and I check the voicemail, and it's like, this is a this is detective so-and-so. I'm looking for a Gene Guterres. And I'm like, what the hell did he do? Right. Like he got arrested. That was my initial thought. So I immediately call the number back, and the detective answers, and he's just so matter-of-fact. He's like, Is this Gene? And I'm like, Yeah. And he's like, We found your husband dead in this hotel room. Oh my god. And I'm like, how do I know you're real? Like, I thought it was a joke. Right, right. I was just so in shock. And the way he just dropped it on me like that, it was so jarring. And he was like, I'm, you know, here's my my badge number, whatever I need. You know, he answered my questions, but everything was like, Wa, wah, wah, wah. It was like that like hole of anxiety that you're going down. So that's what was happening. And I was like slowly like collapsing to my knees. Like I couldn't even control my body.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Yep. I know that.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

It was crazy. And um, I'm in this woman's house.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

And I'm like, you don't even know. So you don't, you're not, you're not even friends, you don't have parents to call. Yeah. You know, yeah, it's, you know. It was wild.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

So I was like, I gotta get out of here. Wow. So I just got up and walked out. I didn't even tell anybody I was leaving. I just left and I started walking home. And the walk home, when I look back now, it was like such a poignant, like moment. It I call it like the liminal space, right? You're in this space in between timelines, like my old life. And then when I get back to that house and have to tell my kids what I just heard, like this is gonna be my new timeline. This is what a great way to put that. That's what I felt like. It was almost like as I was walking, like no birds were chirping. It was so quiet. There was surreal. I felt in this weird portal almost. It was so strange. And you would think I would be crying or in hysterics. I was so calm. I was just walking so slowly and just digesting it all. Yes, like absorbing it. Thinking, what am I gonna do? What am I uh playing things out? Like, what happened to him? Like, what is happening right now? The whole thing was just your life is just flipped on its side. Yes, it was crazy. So I knew that once I walked through that door, I was like, okay, my life is not gonna be the same. And yeah, going in there, my kids immediately knew. They immediately knew by the look on your face. They were like, Where's dad? And I was like, I need one second. And I ran outside to the backyard and I called my brother. I'm like, you know, Junior died. I'm like, you need to get here. And he immediately came. But um, yeah, telling them was probably one of the worst moments, if not the worst moment of my life. Yeah. Their screams are like forever embedded in my brain. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Oh, honey, I'm so, so sorry. Thank you. Oh my gosh. So, you know, what what happened next?

SPEAKER_02 26:21

I mean, how did you get the you had to get the body brought in and phone in and that was kind of where I feel like divine intervention started, you know, really helping me out. One of his friends that I had never met before that lived in Arizona reached out to me and I needed someone to identify the body, and I did not want to leave my kids. I was like, I'm not doing that, you know. So he offered to go and um get his belongings and identify the body, and like I had never even met this guy. It was just he was an angel sent to me. I really believe that to this day. And then he flew in from Arizona to Connecticut or to New York and then got his car for me because the car was at the airport, brought all his things back to me. And, you know, these days were a blur at this point because we didn't know what happened to him. And the detectives weren't really giving me much information because they said, you know, it doesn't seem like anything, no foul play, there's no drugs, there's no nothing. You know, he was just found like kneeling almost like as if he was praying at the end of the bed.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

And I was like, this makes no sense, you know. So, and that was it. They just like kind of closed the case. And I was like, that's not enough for me. I'm like, you're talking to, you know, I love detective shows and criminal. I was like, all right, that's it. I need to turn this mode on. So I was calling the hotel, getting video camera uh footage. I was, you know, interviewing everyone at the hotel. So they didn't do an autopsy? They did an autopsy, but just an initial one. So the initial is that his heart just stopped. Like he had a heart attack, or and then they were like, oh, a brain aneurysm. And then I'm like, Well, what is it?

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

And I was like, but what caused that? I'm like, he's he his 40th birthday was just a few days after he passed. I had a whole 40th birthday party surprise party planned for him, too. So that's a whole nother thing, but it's a sidetrack. So I'm on this mission. I'm like, I'm gonna find out what happened to my husband, right? So Rich comes with all his belongings, and we have the funeral the next day, and he arrives and he gives me his phone. I'm like, I need that phone because that's gonna give me the answers.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:34

And I open it, and I discover that my husband had been cheating on me. Oh no. With prostitutes. Oh my god. And he was with a prostitute the night before he passed. So then I'm starting to really, I'm like, okay, now I'm spiraling. Wow. I'm like, everything I thought I knew is a lie. So, and I have to give his eulogy the next morning. Oh my god. So I'm like, I'm not gonna look at this right now. I'm gonna close the phone, I'm gonna put it away, and I'm gonna deal with this later. I was like, because I have to come from a place of love tomorrow. I cannot be up there angry and you know. So I kept it to myself. I was like, I'm not telling a soul.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

And I got up there, I don't know how I did it, but I wrote that eulogy the night before, actually the morning of, because I was up all night, and I delivered that eulogy. And I don't know how I did it. I really don't. And then from there, you know, we're brought to the crematorium, and they escort me in with the casket, and they leave you alone in there. And I'm in there with him, and I'm thinking to myself, everyone must, everyone's outside. And I'm like, they must think I'm sad and I'm crying. And instead, I'm like, I'm angry. Yeah. I'm so angry.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

I would be livid at that point. Yes. Forget about it.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

I wanted to push him into the flames. Exactly. Like the the thing opens, the gate opens, and I'm like waiting and watching, I'm watching it go in the entire time. And I'm like, you m I was I was angry. It almost felt like sadistic. I was like, am I okay? Like, is that probably not at that moment, you know? Yeah, it was scary. Like my behavior. Like, I, you know, I was a little concerned about myself the way I was behaving. And the guy, you know, I signaled for him to come in. I'm like, put him in there. Like, let's go. You know, I was so disgusted.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

And um, yeah, that was a very complex day emotionally.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

So you you you put him to rest. Yes. Yes. And then, you know, your kids are getting back into school and life is going like it was always kind of for them.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

Um, I try to keep things as normal as possible. They were so amazing, my kids, honestly. They were so amazing. Um, and we're so close. Uh I'm just, I I love them so much. So, anyways, but we um they would go to school and I was on investigator mode. Right. So I started going through his Venmo. I started going through so mind you, remember, I'm in this brand new home. I don't know how I'm gonna afford it now. Okay. Right, right. I'm not working at the time. Did he have life insurance? No life insurance. Oh boy. So scarcity mode is all time high at this moment. I'm like, what am I gonna do? I don't even know if I could keep this house. Right. So I'm going through his Venmo's, I'm seeing, I'm finding all these drug dealers that he's buying stuff from. Okay. So I become this vigilante, so to speak, and I start going out and knocking on these drug dealers' doors. I'm going into like really bad neighborhoods that I shouldn't be in. Yeah, no doubt.

unknown 32:03

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

And I'm knocking on the doors. And I'm like, give me my effing money. You are a badass. Oh my god. I was insane. I had no fear. I had no fear. I just did not care what was gonna happen. I felt like I had lost everything. I was like, what more could happen to me? Let me do this.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

And in some way, it was like, it made me feel alive because I felt so numb inside. I don't know. And it was almost like I would I'd get back into the car. They would give me that the money too. I think they thought I was just absolutely insane. And they would just like take it. I was like, okay. Yeah. And I'd get in the car, and then I'd like spark up a cigarette and just be like, yeah, you know, it was like this satisfaction. And that's what I was doing for quite a while. Wow. Until I hit this breaking point where there was this one guy. I'm I'm calling him and I'm like, you know, give me my money. And he goes, he was all nervous. And he's like, I'm I'm so sorry. I I'm not, I'm not, I'm I'm the dog food delivery guy. And I go, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were on my husband's drug dealer. It was just like so insane. And that was in the moment I was like, okay, like, what am I doing? Yeah. This is insane. You know? I was just pushing, I just didn't want to face it.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

It was, it was the the discoveries were they were they you were grieving. Yes. And this was I had to blame someone.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Yeah, had to blame someone. I had to blame someone. I couldn't blame him, I couldn't yell at him, I couldn't I knew.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

But you couldn't make sense out of the two realities that you're now faced with as well, right? Exactly. Exactly. Oh my God. So the man you love, the secrets he kept from you, and then trying to to to live the life you that was kind of pulled out from under you.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

Yeah, I really lost my sense of self and my identity. Like I really didn't know who I was anymore. And it was a really scary, dark place. And then COVID hit after that. So that whole I was like, okay, I'm gonna stop chasing drug dealers and try to focus on myself and the kids. And then COVID hit. So I was like, okay, I'm really forced now to sit with my emotions and what has happened and really accept this. Yeah. And that's when I started to explore spirituality. I became obsessed with death. I was like, okay, what happens when we die? I can't hear, oh, they're in heaven. Oh, God's always with you. Oh, you know, there I I couldn't hear it. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough. And I just was like, okay, I'm gonna figure this out myself. I'm gonna figure out all the secrets to the universe, right? That was like the mentality I had. I was like, okay, I'm doing this. So I dove into just spirituality. I was watching documentaries and um learning about boot. Were you raised Catholic or just I was, yes, very Catholic. So I went to Catholic school and I mean, you know, reading the Bible, rosary, all that stuff. And I'm I'm very I I still am strong in that. Like I'm wearing my Mary and my cross, and but I needed more. It wasn't enough. It just wasn't. And um I just started to explore death and where we go, and you know, getting my book, my hands on any book I could, and I was meditating every day. I was just doing the things that I felt, you know, were gonna calm me. You you mentioned that you thought out mediums. I did, yes, mediums, everything I could um to feel like I could connect to them. And I did have a dream um about my husband, although it was just his voice, but he apologized. He was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and that's all. It wasn't him physically, but um but so I was you know meditating every day, really working on like inner child healing and discovering all these really great um modalities and uh exercises to do to connect with myself again and figure out who I was.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

And I had this really um profound experience during a meditation where I heard a voice and it was a man's voice, it wasn't my own voice, and it was saying, like, this this isn't happening to you, because I was in such this victim mindset at that time. It's happening for you, it's happening through you, through you. And I just keep hearing through you, and I'm like, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 36:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:40

And it showed me this red thread, and it was like like glimpses of all like moments in my life that like connected almost like synchronicities. And when I came out of it, there was just this knowing of I asked for this on some level. Like this was supposed to happen, and it changed everything after that. I was not the same after that. I was like, everyone's gonna think I'm absolutely insane because you know, it's COVID, we're all doing crazy things. And I couldn't go back to normal life after that. I just couldn't go back to a normal job. Like I was an ultrasound tech before, you know, all of that and in the medical field. So I'm very like logical and and scientific in that sense. So for this to for me to experience this was unlike anything I could have ever. I was like, I'm losing my mind. I really lost it. Oh God. But now doing the work that I do, I understand what it was trying to tell me all along that it was, you know, happening for me and through me. It's a journey. Absolutely. It's to share, you know, this story is so much bigger than me. And it was always meant to be shared so others can feel seen or heard. And um, yeah. How how did you discover um sound healing? Yeah, so that was an interesting thing too. So, like I was saying before, I'm an ultrasound tech, and that's healing frequencies, right? It's frequencies in some way, right? Sound frequencies. And I was invited to a sound bath with by a friend. I was like, what is that? I don't even know what it is. But I was at this point where I was saying yes to everything because I just wanted to find out who I was and just try new things. And so I went and I had the craziest experience. I started crying. I was like, what is happening? It was just these emotions were coming up, and it was so beautiful and like cathartic. It wasn't triggering as far as the emotions coming up, it just felt peaceful. Like I it was lifted off of me.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

So then I became like, okay, the science part of me was like, what just happened? I need an explanation for this. And then I really like researched it and a class came up for it. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna take a class. Funny how those things just come. Exactly. And then I'm there and I'm like, I feel like I was always meant to do this. It was just like spirit kind of guiding me. Wow. And it's looking back, it's just so wild to see. But when you're in it at the time, you you don't realize what's happening.

SPEAKER_00 39:11

Oh my gosh. Now, you had said that there there were signs from your mom. And so I want to hear about that. And I'm just gonna follow that up with the questions. Did you get signs from your dad? And did you get signs from your husband?

SPEAKER_02 39:26

Yes. So my mom, how she said the red bird. So the house that we had bought, that new house, yeah, is on Cardinal Street.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_02 39:36

And as soon as I saw it, I was like, that's the one. Yeah, that's the one. And it's so crazy because my husband didn't even sleep a night in that house. It was as almost as if he wasn't meant to be there, and it was a new start for me and the kids. That's what I believe now. Um, knowing what I know. And my dad, I feel like he kind of saw what was going on with my husband, and he was like, Oh no, you're not gonna do that to my daughter, you know, and kind of handled it. But so after my husband died, a friend of mine who's very intuitive, she called me and she was like, I had the craziest dream, Gene. I need to tell you about it. And it was basically my husband viewing his life on a screen, right? Like a movie screen. And my dad was there yelling at him, you did this, you did this. And my mom was above them with like angel wings, like observing the whole thing. And my dad's looking at her like, is this okay that I'm doing this? That I'm yelling at him. And she's like, Yes. And I was like, that's crazy because like she didn't really know my parents were them, you know.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yeah, and she didn't know the story of what happened.

SPEAKER_02 40:48

It just like resonated very much. I was like, wow, she she tapped into something because she didn't know about what was going on, what was found out. Why would she think that my dad would be yelling at my husband, you know? Right, right. So she was tapping into something, it was pretty beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

So oh my gosh. And talk to me about hypno breath work.

SPEAKER_02 41:07

Oh, I love it. That's a new um new modality that I'm really into. So sound has kind of led me, you know, I love holding space for others. And yeah, so I love holding space for others. And as I was doing the sound healing, breath as another class that someone, you know, told me to come to. So that was something that I attended, had a profound experience, and I was like, I want to incorporate this, but I love the subconscious, I'm really drawn to like really deep emotions. I feel things so deeply. That's just the way I am. And I became kind of fascinated with the subconscious and our self-limiting beliefs. And when I was healing my on my own, and I was doing inner child healing, it was a lot of subconscious. So I really wanted to hold space for others in that way. And it was funny because I couldn't find hypnosis and breath work. It was separate, right? So breath work was one thing. I was okay, who can I be my mentor for that? And then I was finding hypnosis. Who could be my mentor for that? And I was gonna take two separate courses. And then what's wild is I guess the algorithm, you know, how your phone listens to you. Yeah, of course it does. And then I get this, you know, message, and it was like, hypno breath work. I'm like, what? Like, that's perfect. And it's this girl Francesca, who um is the founder of it, the creator, and I message her, and you know, I I took her course and it was amazing. And my synchronicities with her are pretty wild too. We have a lot of common um friends that we know, and it just spirit guides you, and if you're just willing to say yes and take the chance and take the leap, it it's gonna meet you halfway. And it's been amazing. So I love hypno breath work, it's so powerful. It's not your typical breath work because we're really diving into the subconscious and really breaking those self-limiting beliefs you have about yourself so you can heal. Like we all deserve, we all deserve healing.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

It's so, so important to to do that, to give yourself that that chance to heal because it is a journey and it it's hard, and we've all been through so many things. Um and um how how do you help others today transform their pain into a purpose?

SPEAKER_02 43:35

Honestly, uh it's just holding space for them. It's just letting them be seen. You know, I I found on my journey that the deeper I was able to go within myself and my healing, the greater the capacity for me to hold space for others.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 43:54

Because there's just no fear, nothing that you've been through is gonna scare me away. Because I've been through it. Oh yeah. And I've been to the depths of it. And I've sat with it. And I've, you know, I've become friends with it basically. So, you know, when you're going through something and you're feeling shame or you're feeling whatever it is, like I I see you. I truly see you. And that in itself is so healing for people to just be seen. Wow. And that's the power of it.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

If you were looking back now, what would you tell the version of yourself who was in that darkest part of their journey?

SPEAKER_02 44:33

Oh my gosh, yeah. Pour the love into yourself. I say that all the time. Everyone always asks me, How'd you get through it? How'd you get through that? It's you gotta be selfish. You gotta pour the love into you. Yeah. Because you're pouring it into everyone else and no one's reciprocating, right? And it's just draining your energy. So you gotta put it back into you. And then when others are around you, it's more of an overflow as opposed to it being drained. Yeah. Right. So yeah, during that time, I would I had signed up for ballet lessons again. I was drawing, I was rollerblading, I was doing things that I loved as a kid.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

And the joy in that, it really was so healing.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

That's so important. You know, it really is. Finding finding your soul's purpose, I think, too. And you find that along the way. What surprised you most about your healing process, your healing journey? Ooh, what surprised me most?

SPEAKER_02 45:32

Honestly, I think that um it's really the uh it amazed me how strong I was, like how much I could handle, you know. Like I really thought my life was completely over.

SPEAKER_01 45:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

And it's amazing how resilient we can be.

SPEAKER_00 45:54

It sure is. My God. What do what do you want listeners to know if they are struggling right now, or perhaps in the midst of their own grief or or finding themselves where you were in your darkest moments?

SPEAKER_02 46:09

Yeah, you have to give yourself grace. I remember, you know, some days I was in bed all day. And some days I was, you know, okay, I'm gonna do something for myself and shower today. You know, like, and then some days it's really just that whisper to yourself, like, I'm gonna try again tomorrow. And and there's so much strength in that, even though it doesn't seem like it, you know, because today you see all these aesthetic healing, it has to be look pretty and you know, do all these things. Sometimes it's you know, you crying on the bathroom floor, and you're just like, okay, I'm gonna try this one more time tomorrow. Like, I can do this, I can do this. It's a new day. Yes, and that that's powerful. What gives you hope today? I'm excited. I I'm hopeful for what I've learned through this process and how much self-trust I have in myself now, because that was one thing that I lost after everything I found out. I didn't trust myself anymore. Because I was like, how could I have this go on and not know I've been with this person for how long, right? So I really needed to build that trust again. So it's really creating these rituals for myself every day, like, okay, I'm gonna, you know, do yoga or I'm gonna meditate or I'm gonna journal, whatever. I created these rituals and then making those promises to myself really made me trust myself again.

SPEAKER_01 47:33

I love that.

SPEAKER_02 47:34

And now I know that no matter what comes my way, yeah, I can handle it.

SPEAKER_00 47:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:41

Because I trust myself and I know what I can handle, and I know that everything is ultimately for my highest good. It's freeing, isn't it? It is. It is. It's like, okay, this isn't happening to me. Like this is it is, it's for me. It's for you, it's happening for you and through you. Yes, it absolutely is. And that message, you know, seemed so confusing at the time, but now it's just so profound to me.

SPEAKER_00 48:06

And I love that. Um, I guess flip the switch a little bit, and I do a thing called the lightning round, which I just asked you for one-word answers or your first thoughts. And um, how about uh what does resilience mean to you? Surrender. Mmm. So important learning that, right?

SPEAKER_02 48:29

Yeah, because you think it's the opposite, really. You think it's this push, we gotta push, we gotta push, and keep going, keep going, keep going. And I learned it was I needed to surrender. I had to release control.

SPEAKER_00 48:40

I love that. It's so true. And it's so hard to do because a lot of the times we are control freaks, self- you know, self-proclaimed control freaks.

SPEAKER_02 48:50

Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I learned so much more from acceptance than I did control.

SPEAKER_00 48:56

So Wow.

SPEAKER_02 48:57

How about a book that changed your life? The Untethered Soul. Oh that was the first book that planted the seed for me in spirituality. It was after my mom died. And I I read that book and I was like, oh, okay. It was almost like spirit was calling slowly every time, you know, the universe whispers until it screams. And I was getting those whispers, but life was happening. I couldn't life is busy. Exactly. And noise was like, exactly. And then so it was like, okay, now your dad's gonna be gone. We're gonna whisper again. And it didn't work. So, all right, now the doozy. So it really Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:36

Wow. How about uh a daily practice that you can't live without?

SPEAKER_02 49:41

My mornings. My mornings of peace and quiet. 5 a.m. I am up. It's before the world wakes up, right? Before the chaos of the day. And it's really just, you know, either, either whatever it is. It could be just sitting in silence on the front porch, grounding with my feet on the earth, or if it's really cold, then I'm just I'll be journaling, reflecting, a little meditation, breath work, whatever it is for that day. I don't like choose one and that's it. I'll rotate them, but it's definitely my morning, that you know, one hour or two.

SPEAKER_00 50:15

I I love that. I I I think that's so awesome that you take that time for you. I have to. Yeah. I it's it's so good. Um, is there someone who inspires you? Hmm. I inspire me, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 50:30

That's awesome. That's great. I'm my own, honestly, it's my inner child. Like, that's my muse.

SPEAKER_01 50:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:38

I I just want to make her proud and make her happy. And like I just think of that little girl, you know, in my bedroom, like had big dreams and believed in true love and thought, you know, the world was so I don't know, beautiful. And um and I want to give that to her.

SPEAKER_00 50:57

I love that. That is so beautiful. Really? It's it's that inspires me. That's just it's you don't hear that enough where people take that, that, that youth, that child, that inner child, and and want to make that child proud. Um, I think that's beautiful. Um, what's something uh that you wish more people understood about healing? Hmm. It never ends.

SPEAKER_02 51:29

Um Yeah, no, it's not linear, and I'm sure you've heard that. Everyone's heard that it really is a spiral. Um and that, you know, when something comes up again for you, it's not that you're not healing, you're not going backwards, you're going deeper. You know, you're really looking at it from a different lens now. You know, it's the next level of what it is, the next layer. Um so I would definitely say that because there's been so many times, you know, where something will come up and I'll get triggered again and I'll start crying. And I'm like, oh, I thought I healed this. Like, what is going on? Right? Yes. And you get frustrated with yourself, but you can't, you have to have grace. You have to realize, like, okay, I'm I'm going deeper, I'm ready for the next level. Um it's eye-opening.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

Sometimes I'm like, wait a second, I I didn't expect that the emotion to come out.

SPEAKER_02 52:15

Exactly. And that's okay. It's a we're here for the human experience to feel all the things. You know, imagine we didn't feel any of these emotions. It would kind of be you can't know happiness without grief. You can't.

SPEAKER_00 52:28

You just can't. Yes, that's so true. It it's it can't be linear because you wouldn't appreciate the good times. You really go through the bad times, right?

SPEAKER_02 52:36

Oh my god, I see life so much different. Like the lens through life now is completely different. I'm such a different person. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

Right there with you, girl. Right there with you.

SPEAKER_02 52:46

Don't you almost appreciate it? Like I'm really, I'm almost grateful for everything I've been through.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Every day I would say thank you, and you know, as horrible as would the circumstances that can surround you are to know that not that you were a bad person before it, it was just different. Yeah. And when you come through that, oh, I love this. I could talk to you for hours. Um let's fill in the uh the blank. Um I am most peace, I am most at peace when.

SPEAKER_02 53:24

I would say my mornings, I'm most at peace when I'm with myself. And um Yeah, just sitting with myself.

SPEAKER_00 53:38

What is your message to the world?

SPEAKER_02 53:44

The good, the great, the bad, and even the devastating are all ultimately for our highest good. That's it. And if you understand that and you really embody that and know that in your soul, in your bones, then you're unstoppable. You really are.

SPEAKER_00 54:02

It's so beautiful and so well said, Gene. Oh my God. I um I listening to your story just reminds me so much of a lot of the feelings that I felt from losing my son Scott. And um he continues to shine his light on me and through me. And and I um would love to share one of his poems with you. I usually close every every show with one. So this one is called People. It says uh people mess up, make mistakes, and that because they don't know their place, everyone will only view you as the way you project yourself, the way I say you protect yourself. I used to be sensitive, I'd cry all the time, I couldn't even lie, but then I figured out how to stay alive, play on the other side. I covered myself in a shield of confidence, so people didn't make me feel bottomless. People are more complicated than they seem, for you don't know if that person you see is really your friend, or if they're just a dead end, to no contend. Everyone wants friends, those who will love them to no end. And you won't know if that person standing in front of you, saying they lift the world for you, really even loves you until they leave you because they found more people to hang around, leaving you askew in a hole that you can't climb out of because all your energy is in pursuit of why they dropped you, instead of how this proves they don't deserve the true you. It just wow, wow. It just uh 15 years old, he had such a deep soul. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Um, Jean, thank you so much for sharing your story so openly. You are one beautiful soul inside and out, and I just I'm just so grateful that you're here. And um, how can people reach out to you if they want to learn more about you?

SPEAKER_02 56:22

So, best way to contact me is on Instagram. I am The Woke Widow, and you can check out all my offerings on there. I do so many special events and thewokewidow.com if you wanted to book a birth chart reading with me or hypno breath work session or sound healing, that's where you would book that. So, and hopefully my book, The Woke Widow, will be out this year. I'm working on that, my memoir. So keep a lookout for that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:53

Oh, we definitely will. And thank you for joining us today on SOS Stories of Survivors, where survival sparks the soul. Until next time.