SOS - Stories of Survivors
A podcast dedicated to resilience, healing, hope, and the power of the human spirit.
SOS - Stories of Survivors
Ep. 056 | Walking Each Other Home: Grief, Healing, and Living More Fully
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In this meaningful episode of SOS Stories of Survivors, Serena sits down with Julie Blitzer, founder of Authentic Matters, to explore grief, healing, death, movement, writing, and what it means to live authentically.
As a grief recovery method specialist, end-of-life doula, funeral celebrant, movement guide, and author, Julie helps others navigate life’s most difficult transitions with compassion, grace, and honesty. Together, Serena and Julie discuss the many forms grief can take, how loss impacts the mind, body, and spirit, and why healing is not about “getting over” loss, but learning how to carry it with greater understanding and self-compassion.
From legacy projects and end-of-life conversations to movement, creativity, and the power of authentic connection, this heartfelt conversation offers wisdom, comfort, and hope for anyone experiencing grief, change, or a major life transition.
If you’ve ever wondered how to honor loss while continuing to embrace life, this episode is a gentle reminder that healing is possible, love never truly leaves us, and every ending can teach us something about living more fully.
To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.
S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul. ✨
To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.
S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.
Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scar has a story. Every loss carries love, and every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and I'm so happy to introduce today's guest, Julie Blitzer. She's the founder of Authentic Matters. Julie is a grief recovery method specialist. She's an end-of-life doula, a funeral celebrant, a Hoffman process graduate leader, a movement guy, and a published author. Her work is centered around helping people walk through grief, face life's biggest transitions, and reconnect with themselves in a deeper and more honest way. Julie is so amazing, and her guiding intention is beautifully captured by the Ram Das quote We're all just walking each other home, which she shares on her website as part of her calling. And today we're going to talk about grief, death, healing, the body, writing, and how facing the end of life can actually teach us how to live more fully. Julie, welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. I'm so happy to have you here.
SPEAKER_01Thank you so much, Serena. It's an honor to be here.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh. Before we get into all of the amazing things you do, I would just like for our listeners to get to know you and who you are at your core.
SPEAKER_01Sure. Well, I love that question. Um, and I will preface this by saying sometimes I will close my eyes probably to before I answer a question just to tap into what's feeling really true. Um I'm not, you know, ignoring you by any means. Um so I would say at my core, uh I am a light being who's looking to learn and play as much as possible.
SPEAKER_00I I I love that. I, you know, I think I think I think we all have our inner light, right? And we try and let them shine.
SPEAKER_01100%. And I guess that idea of connecting the light with childlike qualities, tapping into that inner child is it's like a real homecoming.
SPEAKER_00That's that's so beautiful. Um I know your work is called Authentic Matters, which I gotta tell you is such a beautiful, beautiful name. And what does authentic mean to you now and and what did it mean to you earlier in your life?
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, it's definitely evolved and evolving, I think. Um I love the play on words actually, that it authentic matters is a a noun and a verb. Um I do like to play with words. Um and so just on the base level, it it was fun. And then to think about authenticity, uh getting to connection with that light part of us. Um so I guess for me, it's about trying to get soul-to-soul interactions and try to strip away some of the masks that we wear, so to speak, different roles that we show up in. And they're not negative, like we have to play different parts um to get through the world. Um it's just refreshing to sometimes let them fall away and and just and I think authenticity is more about feeling it, that we don't have to uh we we know it when we spot it. So usually form I think it manifests in connection. But um yeah, the matters part is um fun too because you know, we are talking about different subject matters that are important, and then to the degree that we get into um what's at the core of them, that's where the substance of mattering.
SPEAKER_00I I I love that, and you know, I'm a firm believer in perfection isn't what it's all about, it's about authenticity. And I've you know, of course, everything I've gone through in my life has been a journey and a healing process, and it took me a long time to recognize that and to to tap into my authentic self. So I I can totally relate to what you're saying and the matters there.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. In terms of my evolving process with that word and still, and sometimes I'll be really transparent here, to use that language, authentic matters, is um I don't want to be a fraud and say, oh, here I am, totally authentic, because it's still happening all the time. Um and I will say that through different trainings, different life experiences, um, even connecting with uh learning your body more, and it's all part of getting to real comfort with you know who I am in this physical body.
SPEAKER_00It's a journey, right? 100%. It's a journey. You know, there's no right or wrong way to do things. Well, I mean, maybe there are, but oh no.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. There's I I would say there's the right and wrong is in terms of it is in accordance or in alignment with your soul.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. That's great, that's a great point.
SPEAKER_01I mean, the external measures is where we often get caught up. It's like, oh, is is this what you know is expected of me, whether it's from family members, from society, your, you know, your educational background, whatever. But um oftentimes if that's in alignment with what your soul wants, like a hundred percent that that's so such a validating feeling.
SPEAKER_00So true. It's it's what I've realized, it's like if my heart is in the right place and what I'm doing, you know, it's it's coming from a place of love and a place of caring. So I go with it, you know. I I just try I try and trust my gut.
SPEAKER_01Yes. I I will, I'm like thinking about my mom here and referencing her idea that I would be very frustrated with some of her, the wisdom that she would share when I was growing up, because she was a little, she was a lot out of the box, so to speak, in her um spirituality, and well before people were into um spirituality that's become more mainstream. And um, so I really rejected a lot of these kinds of concepts. So it's very ironic that it's here I am in this work. But um, you know, she would say, listen to that inner voice, and it sounded woo-woo to me. So I want didn't want anything to do, but it she was so right. Um, it's that gut check. Um, and the there's a another way to describe it is like a lightness versus heaviness when decision making, like there's like usually a lighter sensation that comes with, oh, I'm in the right direction or I'm going on the right path. Heaviness is it's very simplistically stated, but it could be an indication, you know, it's not aligned.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And sometimes we fight that feeling tooth and nail because we think that's really what we're supposed to do. And the dread that comes every morning when we get out of bed should be the indication that maybe, just maybe we're not on the right path.
SPEAKER_01But well, that word think I think is the indicator when we're too much in intellect or in our head and not coming from the heart, the conflict starts to come in. Uh and but it takes work to be able to consult with heart first. I'm not saying it's easy.
SPEAKER_00No, no, definitely not. I mean, I know on your website you have uh a fun little question there on um what do you want to be when you grow up? And I I know that you you it took you a long time to kind of figure out how to answer that question. Do you want to tell our listeners about that? Sure.
SPEAKER_01I sometimes peeling back and getting as simple as possible is where the gut check is. And so it was like, I want to help people feel better. I mean, that's really it. Um, I think I have a we all do actually, we all want to be helpers in some way. Um just for my family of origin, I think my role that I took on was to kind of be a stabilizer when there was some, you know, dis-ease or just um difficulty with some mental illness in the family. So being that that's like an innate quality. And when I finally leaned into it as, you know, this is something I'd like to do more broadly, then it's say the law of attraction, but things started to show up on my path that made sense and it felt in alignment. And and it started with um this practice called journey dance, and that's the movement practice that I was trained in. And it made sense for so many reasons because my form of expression as a little girl was through dance. I was super quiet, like almost mute. Um, but you put me on a dance floor and I was quite vibrant. Uh, so it's funny how sometimes just reconnecting with that little person inside, who's always there, I would argue, can be a real guide.
SPEAKER_00I I I love that because um uh we were talking before, my mom had just recently passed, and my mom loved to dance too, and she would do all sorts of um uh dance moves. She would be uh Latin dances, salsa, merengue, the cha-cha. It was just who she was, and I had watched some old videos of her as a child, and she would just take command of the room. So I totally get that. Um, all of course me who has two left feet, I would just be in awe.
SPEAKER_01Totally. Well, it's funny that whole idea of the word dance can be intimidating for people, and like, oh, I have no rhythm, or I can't find the beat. And I have found with this practice, um, calling it movement has been a little bit more inviting or available to people. And everybody can move to some degree, even if you're sitting down. Um, I know a lot of seniors will do movement from a chair. And um I don't know, people find that there's a release in the that practice for me is all about energy shifting in a very visceral way. And um yeah, once once things are flowing in the system, I feel like new pathways open up and you get I feel like ideas flow in or downloads come, like interesting messages that might not have been available if we're in the same, I don't want to say stuck energy, but static.
SPEAKER_00Was was there something going on in your life when you were going through the this whole thing that triggered it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, uh, you know, becoming a mom, I think sooner than expected, to be honest, was the catalyst, and realized, you know, I wanted to expand a little bit more, connect with other people. Uh so it was partly a a little getaway from you know being in full mom mode. But then I realized I was like, I want to be able to share this with other people. The energy was so good. Wow. Um and when I said, you know, the journey dance practice was really the catalyst for, you know, grief work and other things, um, it was one particular training uh of the journey dance practice. I just had this thought, I feel so alive, I want more of this. And that is truly there, there's another impetus for going down the the grief work path. But I said, I don't know why, but it just occurred to me, if I want to feel more alive, I think I need to look at death. Um, not in a morbid way, but as a tool to make sure that I'm fearing experiencing a much aliveness while I can before it's gone.
SPEAKER_00You know, that's it's true. I I think the more I've gone through grief, through, through people who have passed, the more I appreciate life. Oh, yeah. And it's it's crazy. I hear people complain, they're all getting older, and and I'm just thinking, you know what, we have one shot at this, and not everybody gets to live to be a hundred. So every day is a gift, and I'm looking to just make the best of it, you know, and I I can totally you know relate to what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it it but it surprised me. I mean, that's something I think the movement allowed for. I didn't have this conscious thought before, oh, if I want to feel more alive, uh look at death while I'm in the throes of young motherhood. So the I guess that it's a it's a prompt or an invitation to people, you know. Maybe it's not always through the rational mind where we're going to get the the clear answers. It it can be just from actually unplugging from the mind. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And it doesn't have to be yeah, being in the now, right? Being present.
SPEAKER_01100%. So that was yeah, the interesting watch pad.
SPEAKER_00You know, was there a like a moment or a loss or um a personal turning point that pulled you toward the grief work and the end of life work as well?
SPEAKER_01Yes. Uh it was pretty clear. So I was in a relationship with someone uh as a coaching client, personal coaching, and our work really pivoted when uh she learned her dad was dying, and it was rather sudden, and she really needed to somewhat process but also prepare to support him and as he transitioned. I wasn't equipped with those skills, so it made me curious, like it loss is ubiquitous, we're all going to experience some kind of loss, and it will even show up when people are focusing on moving forward in a in a coaching situation. So I I I I thought this makes sense to have that background, some toolkit that can deal with loss, even though most of the time in coaching, people want to focus on moving forward. Uh so that was the impetus. And we without training and just being supportive and thinking about and responding to what she needed, we were able to come up with ideas about how to preserve his legacy. So that was really important to her. And actually, I'm just realizing like that, probably planted the seed that with doolow work, legacy projects are very important to me. It's kind of something I like to do. So it's all related. Yeah, I'm just realizing that in this moment. Isn't that funny?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, beautiful. It is, it it it's so beautiful. I mean, I find just from my own experiences that with my mother, um, she went through a period of of being ill. And even though she was still here, I think I was still grieving her. I started to grieve her while she was alive. And I I didn't expect that, but I in some ways I I was just grieving the relationship that was going to be coming to an end.
SPEAKER_01It makes so much sense. I mean, there's definitely a piece of grief called anticipatory grief. And so uh if people know, you know, there's a terminal illness and they uh it's coming down the pike. Uh there's also, you know, with so much dementia and Alzheimer's, people experience almost two losses of the same person if when they lose their connection to them uh cognitively and they you know they may not be able to recall memories or um especially in the short term recognize someone. So in in the grief work that I do, in a situation like that, we would actually pro process you know two losses or two relationships, really, because you are in relationship with this person uh for probably decades in one manner, and it it certainly shifts greatly.
SPEAKER_00Are you are you comfortable sharing your um your own experience with grief and and how that uh puts you on this path on how you support others?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. So uh my I have one sibling, she died four years ago. Um thank you. And the irony is that I had done my training in the grief recovery method years before. Um she she it was terminal and it wasn't, you know, on that path at all. So it it's so interesting how the so-called dots line up on my big grid that I went through that training and it prepared me really for because I it was my catalyst was to work with other people around loss, and of course I was served in that amazing training and was able to bring those tools to uh my parents at the time and and myself uh with her passing, and subsequently, uh a little over a year ago, my mom passed, and so I I do feel like it's a gift. I mean, I d that I was able to have this background prior to these losses, which were completely unanticipated because my mom uh died pretty suddenly as well, and being able to work with clients prior and hearing different stories, um understanding the different layers of grief through their stories that it so it happened accidentally, to be honest, but uh in the realm of I want to serve other people, it ended up serving me and then really serving me years down the line.
SPEAKER_00Isn't that funny how the universe works? I tell you, I um I I get blown away sometimes by where my journey has taken me, and and and every day I feel so blessed and lucky that I get to meet people and talk to people like you and and learn about how your experiences are. And I I'd love to just explore. I know you know most people when they think about grief, they think about death. And they that's the kind of loss. But there are so many other types of loss as well. You want to um maybe talk about how um those losses can also uh be processed.
SPEAKER_01For sure. Um and I'll just say to that point about you know, finding our way along our path. I love serendipity in terms of when it is really manifesting and we see connections between oh, this event in my life had a direct correlation to this one. Um and sometimes it is so murky and there's no making sense of it. Um so I I hold space for that too. Um, but it's quite beautiful when it it lines up. So, yes, loss uh is so broad, um grief gets aligned with bereavement, um, and death, but we certainly grieve so many different kinds of losses. And I'll actually just use the definitions from the grief recovery method, because I think they're they just explain it so well. Um there's two definitions we use in that program, and the first is quite simply grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. And I do love those two adjectives because it it just strips away the fact that there is nothing uh broken, there's nothing abnormal, it it is all uh almost expected, and but society may not or culture paint it that way.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they it's so funny because you know, I think of loss and it can come in the form of divorce. It can be loss. Of a job, the breakup, you know, of a boyfriend, girlfriend, uh, you know, just being health and even finances.
SPEAKER_01And the other definition that we use, and I think this is it's the conflicting feelings that are caused by a change in or end of a familiar pattern of behavior. So it's a lot of words, a lot more than the first definition. But it's that that last phrase, a change in a familiar pattern of behavior, that can apply to countless situations.
SPEAKER_00Empty nesting.
SPEAKER_01Yes, it's big transitions. Big, right? And I will say GRM for short, the grief recovery method uh explains that there's 40 significant losses. I can't name them all in this moment, but um so there's a host of types of loss that produce grieving feelings. Those can and I do like that specificity that grief is about conflicting feelings coexisting, because our our brain has a hard time with negotiating very different feeling states. And so of course it gets murky and confusing and you feel lost.
SPEAKER_00You do. I mean, I will tell you that at times I feel like I have ADD or ADHD, I'm not sure which, but I can't focus for long periods of time. And you go from one thing to the other and you you forget what you were doing, and and I'm told that's all normal. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01Uh the the book, The Grieving Brain, I believe, I'm forgetting the author right now, but um, I think she talks about how how focus, concentration, all these cognitive abilities can totally be diminished if not stripped away, uh, in in the grieving experience. And it they come back online. This isn't permanent. Um, but the another idea of GRM is that um, well, there's a myth that time is going to heal or or make grief go away. I roll my eyes because it's just not a valid phrase. Um and the understanding we say is you have to do something in that time. So it's we are proponents of being actionable with very specific things that we do in the program. Uh so time absolutely is a healing agent, but it doesn't uh work unilaterally and be it's not a a solve. So that but it that asks a lot of grievers, you know, to get to be able to concentrate and have some focus to do some work around it and introspection.
SPEAKER_00You you talk about on your site about grief as a a full body, a full spirit experience. What does that mean to you?
SPEAKER_01Well, and I think about kind of for attributes of a person or a human, you know, we have our our intellect, uh, we have our emotional body, physical body, of course, um, and our spirit body. And I think grief will work its way into all those pieces. Um, you could have um shortness of breath. I mean, sometimes grievers might say, oh, it's hard to breathe, that's very real. Um, obviously the emotional state, you have these conflicting feelings happening. And just for an example, like the conflicting could be if someone went through long periods of um health care, and the the loved ones remaining might be like, There's a little relief if I'm being honest, you know? Um of course, deep sadness is right alongside that. Um spiritually, someone could just be really questioning a lot. Uh, you know, how can the universe make this happen? Uh, there's so much suffering. Um and so all of that is affected, and nothing gets um every everything's affected.
SPEAKER_00It's yeah, it's so true. I um when my son passed, I felt like um in my my soul, in my core, I felt like I was sucker punched, you know. And that it was a very different feeling than when when my mother passed. I just I felt just a loss. And I it's it's you know, my mom was the normal course of events, my son was not. And maybe that describes it, but it was still it was still difficult to come to those terms and and recognize that.
SPEAKER_01Well, the other idea is um uh myth, you know, that grief gets, you know, X amount of time before we should, you know, be done with it, or or at least be more okay, so to speak. Um I it's well over a year that the brain, the neural pathways, can really understand that that change in behavior, meaning this person was in my life physically, um, it just neurologically, that it takes a long time for these new neural pathways to understand that that's not reality. Never mind the emotional state. So um a minimum a year, I think, is safe. And then depending on the type of loss, uh, it can of course be so much more and uh intense.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, I know that um when I was grieving, we made some pretty big financial decisions that looking back probably wasn't the right thing to do at that time. But even, you know, um after a year or so, people may carry still unresolved um grief, even if they seem fine on the outside. Can you talk a little bit about that?
SPEAKER_01Yes. So we find that unresolved grief is often kind of linked to the more painful quality of grief. Because grief, in my view and a lot of people's, is it's not all pain and suffering. They there's definitely an association with that, but uh it actually is an expression of love. Uh yeah. So um the unresolved pieces are what can help or or contribute to someone staying more stuck and not being able to um I don't feel experience life more fully. And in GRM, we really work to help people get through those parts. Uh, a lot of it is about delivering communications that may have not been said, may not have been heard when the person was around. Or again, if it's like just in a strange relationship or another type of um loss, that getting it off of our heart and definitely out of that looping thinking um is where we get more repair. So uh that unresolved piece is very significant. And I don't know, I think our culture, we just think we can push through it, but it catches up with us at some point.
SPEAKER_00Yes, it absolutely does. And you know, I I I remember someone was going through some brief and they're like, when when does it when do you get better? When does it and I'm like, it doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it.
SPEAKER_01The other piece about the unresolved grief and a quality that I think it it manifests is I'll call it like living in liminal space. Sort of one foot feeling somewhat grounded. I'm here, I'm functioning in the world. Yet another foot is in this, um it almost might feel like someone's walking in a cloud-like state. And that that liminal-ness is murky and confusing and feels um unrooted. Yeah. And so that's a real straddle exercise that someone is doing, and that can exist for a very long time.
SPEAKER_00I was um talking with a woman who recently lost her husband, and she has, you know, three daughters and one's younger, and you know, she struggles a lot because she's wondering if she will ever feel joy again. It's so hard. And I, you know, it's you know, they they even may even feel guilty about wanting to feel joy. What do you say to that?
SPEAKER_01Well, my first instinct honestly is it's if I'm picturing this person, you know, I would ask them to maybe just hold their heart if it if it wasn't too uncomfortable, and in in a way just to actually feel the heartbeat, or even if it's more uh appealing or approachable to find the pulse on the wrist or something. And there you are, you're alive. And it's a starting point. Um, you're not broken. Um and then extending compassion, I I mean, I think the phrase, my heart goes out to you, is is so apt. And I'm I try to use that uh in expressing condolences more and more because it I think it might be more assisting to someone. We're sort of trained culturally to, of course, say, I'm sorry, and that is meaningful. Um, but to to know that there's this this heart connection um is a starting point and to remind them, you know, there's nothing to fix, but there's life to experience. Yeah. And I guess to help them believe that they deserve to experience that life. And it it it takes certainly time and steps, but um that withholding, well, here's a a new idea I'm learning that um our ancestors, people that have passed, they don't want us to suffer.
SPEAKER_00No, no, they don't.
SPEAKER_01And so it's almost a disservice, not only to ourselves, of course, but even to the lineage that we come from to uh uh not uh express ourselves fully.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think that um I I think it's you know, when you're going through that healing process, it's it's that heaviness that weighs you down. And you want so much to to to laugh again about the silly stuff. And when you first find that you are laughing or you smile, you know, it almost is like, wait a second, you know, it is hello, my old friend. I've you know, and then you feel guilty a little bit about that. But I think like anything, over time you you become more comfortable with feeling those feelings.
SPEAKER_01And I I think self-compassion is a huge piece of all of this, and and with that, very specifically giving yourself permission that and I mean this is more rational. It's hard for someone in grief to to kind of pull all these ideas at the same time, but um, guilt is actually a useless emotion. It's true. And so just if cognitively, if someone could say, you know, there's really no practicality here. You're so smart. I might as well go be self-compassionate than because that that's even if it's hard to for people to do that, which I think I'd say in our culture is generally, uh, it's a lot more effective than swallowing in grief. I'm sorry, in guilt.
SPEAKER_00Well, it's true. And I it's so funny. Last year for Lent, I gave up guilt. And I decided, I said, you know, it doesn't serve me. I there's no reason I need to feel guilty about things that I'm I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm putting out my my my best, I'm doing everything from my heart. So guilt has no room in my world, and I'm not always gonna do things right and I will make mistakes, but it it's a journey and it's part of the learning process. So I I totally sign on to that.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'm just thinking too, uh going back to the idea of like what's in alignment with our our core and what feels true. I'd say for a little while it guilt might be in alignment for a grieving person, an intensely grieving person. Um, but that sh will should dissipate um if they're willing to engage in life again. But there's sometimes a subconscious belief that they cannot. So that has to be contended with, I'd say.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I and and let's talk a little bit about the difference between the grief recovery method and traditional therapy. Can you talk about that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um well, first, GRM is a um evidence-based program, one of the only ones in the grief space. Um, and I will say I'm I'm skeptical of a lot of kind of self-growth, uh, self-development programs because there's, you know, some great quality out there and some not so great quality. And so I I brought that skeptic eye to the program at first, but I was so pleased, uh, just really overwhelmed that it it truly is effective. Um, and so the way it works, it's um it's very structured. Unlike therapy can be a little bit more, you know, ongoing. Clients know that they are in it for seven sessions, and we usually meet uh like an hour and 15 minutes or so. And there's a handbook that we use to guide our sessions, and there's also written assignments. So, as I said before, we're we're putting accountability on our clients to um show up to their grief and have put in some real work. And so, generally speaking, it would be for someone maybe at least six months out from them experiencing a loss. But um, so with each session, we have guided um assignments there, so they have homework in between. And I model all of the exercises that they do before they'll have it as homework. And I think that's unique too because they're hearing my story, they're hearing um my experience with that work before they engage in it, and it builds connection, and so it's not just them kind of in the spotlight, and then one thing they'll do is look at their life just from a lost perspective. So it sounds very heavy, um, and it can be, but people can rise to the occasion and they actually end up noticing, making observations and seeing trends, and so it helps illuminate uh how they show up to grief from historic history.
SPEAKER_00What does it actually help people do with their grief?
SPEAKER_01I would say all right, so the other piece is um the upshot is to get what we call complete with a relationship. And so when a person has more completeness with the relationship, you don't have that unresolved heaviness. So that word actually, the heaviness, I I will say generally speaking, my clients come away after the seven sessions and they feel I feel lighter. And they what has what has happened is that they change their relationship to the grief. Um, it's not laden in pain. Still they are, never gonna deny that, you know, and of course we can't uh take away grief completely, but the idea is to change the relationship to it by getting complete.
SPEAKER_00What would you say to someone who is afraid that if they really start crying that they'll never stop?
SPEAKER_01The crying. I I'm just laughing because tears, well, one, I think physiologically, they have so much benefit. Um, they release these good hormones. So in in that way alone, they're a good thing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But of course, if someone has is self-conscious about um crying, this idea. Um, so in my hospice volunteer training, I learned this quote, I'm gonna paraphrase. Um basically the idea is tears, tears happen because our soul has been touched in some way, and therefore it's our soul leaking from our eyes. Um, so that comes from, so Barbara Carnes is an amazing um grief uh and death and dying educator. She was a hospice nurse. Um she's still with us in the plan, but she's retired. And she wish she could give attribution. She heard this in among like a staff person or someone. So some hospice nurse, she does not know who was, relayed that and it stuck with me from that training years ago. And I just think it's accurate, you know, tears because they happen in happy, joyous times as well, right? And that's our soul being activated.
SPEAKER_00I love that.
SPEAKER_01So I think it's a truth teller of any. So I I I would hope that that gives people more permission to cry.
SPEAKER_00I think so. And and do you think there's a cost for not grieving?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think we alluded to a little bit before saying um, well, there's self-sacrifice because you're not totally living. Um then there's the physical, like when you that's saying we have issues in our tissues, like stuck emotion is definitely going to land somewhere in the body. And at a cellular level, it it keeps manifesting, and you could have true disease. So that's that's a real uh um physical manifestation of not grieving. Um and then I think the cost is not allowing oneself to live fully, and that doesn't mean living fully is not just joy. I it's it's the full spectrum of the human experience and allowing your soul to be touched.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I I think that you know, that just like trauma or anything, if you don't sit with those emotions, they're they're still gonna be there if you don't, you know, try and and heal them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think I mean my own experience being someone for most of my young life and early adulthood just stuffed emotion, wanted nothing to do with it. It was inconvenient. And so it was like a I would say like a dam. And it got backed up, got backed up. And to be honest, I think um motherhood was that lever that opened up and said emotion has to get out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, it's uh unexpectedly.
SPEAKER_01So and that and so that's the cost that it it it could happen in this deluge, yeah. And it it can feel like an avalanche.
SPEAKER_00It's true. I you know, you you're also an end-of-life doula. Yeah. For our listeners that that don't know what that is or what that means. Can you can you talk about that? Sure.
SPEAKER_01Um, so some people might be more familiar with like a birth doula. Um the the anchor, and that's someone that might assist uh nurses or a midwife with the the birthing process. And end-of-life doula does the same thing. It's non-medical support to a dying person and or their family members or loved ones. And that can take many forms. It can be just a confidant. Uh, sometimes uh people going uh at the end of life often go through like a life review, and you know, the their staff, uh nursing staff might not be the the people that are gonna hear that. Um it can just be a source of comfort, and um somehow that shows up uh you know with with music. Um I personally love children's books as a source of comfort, and um especially if someone can't speak, um the the sense of hearing is the last to go. So hearing, you know, stories is is always beautiful. I love that. Um it can take the form of helping with anxiety around death and it visually off leading people through visualizations can be very powerful. Um, the imagination is so active. And a lot of times it's supporting family members and educating them about what what the dying process looks like, um, what what to look out for, how they can support each other. And honestly, what's coming to me now is to create an energetic space that is supportive for the dying person. Because finally, We know it's complicated and people take on their different roles and can be combative or challenging to one another in the dying person space, and that is just not the way that helps the transition.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I you know, I find that sometimes we as a culture we struggle to to talk about death. And um I don't know why the we avoid talking about it so much. Um, but can you talk uh about you know what happens when a family actually is willing to talk about or have an honest conversation about what happens during the dying, but you know, before the very end, of course.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, I think uh one big factor contributing to why we might not be so comfortable, it's become uh more or medicalized in our society. I mean, some people are bringing death back more into the home, um, and and hospice can definitely um help with that process, which is great if it people are open to it. Um but we having some conversations I think takes fear away. Um anytime we're educated about something that's foreign and new, it it takes the mystery away. And with less fear and unknowns in the mix, I you can often feel there's like a a little bit more relaxation in the system. It's like, oh, yeah, even on an individual basis, but then that like a little space has been given. So, and then hopefully people can talk about or you or getting to the wishes. What does this person really desire um for a memorial experience or what would do they want to be buried, do they want to be cremated? Like hopefully it's conversations happen well before someone's really near the end. Um, but to develop some sort of comfort around it is have it really needs to happen a long before someone's in that critical care situation. And so as a doula as well, I I offer workshops and it's to have conversations. And one way we approach it or I think about is like, you know, talk about um this idea of Swedish death cleansing, and that's basically purging your home of the things that loved ones left behind probably don't want. And it's burdensome to have to deal with that that cleaning out. Um and so to just start with at a material level, like what's sacred, who wants this, who wants nothing to do with that, it can be a nice entry point. It can happen before someone's ill, or you know, and um I like to think about um bucket lists as an entry point too. Like before you if if broaching death is so difficult, it's like, well, what would you want to do or see experience um before your time is up?
SPEAKER_00That's that's fascinating. Like I think it makes me think about what if you were if you knew in advance that your end was near, what would you stop caring so much about or what would you want to focus on?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, priorities would start to shift, most likely. Um and it so that that those are just really good entry points. Like I said, well before someone is experiencing um dying process. Maybe even just talking about songs, poems, um, other memorials that they've witnessed that that really spoke to them. And then it's just, you know, easing into because uh as a doula, meeting people's wishes, knowing what they are, documenting them if or how they want to be um remembered is is so important. And it also that's a big relief for family members because on top of missing them, grieving them, they have angst, like, oh, am I getting it right? Is this what they would have wanted? Or um so I say, let's take all of that uncertainty off the table. And and that is a great way to get to the conversation.
SPEAKER_00That's true. Now, you're also a funeral celebrant. What what is that? And w tell me about that role.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so funeral celebrant is a person that basically officiates a funeral or memorial service, um, not a clergy member. And now that more than 60% of um uh bodies are cremated instead of buried, um, the traditions are are changing, there's new needs, and a lot of more people are not affiliated necessarily with a congregation. So we need other people to fill that space. And a celebrant really focuses on making that experience as personal as possible. So uh help working with a family to create ritual, um, make sure that the essence of the person is really honored, um, being creative with what kind of uh memorial it is.
SPEAKER_00Can you talk about like the legacy projects that you referred to a little bit?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. So um, well, the one that comes leaps to mind is um there was a chef that um uh I was with and she had ALS and she wanted to preserve her recipes for her daughter. And so her wish was to create this cookbook. And we worked uh close to a year, and she was able to be involved with the whole process um and you know, recording stories that went along with those recipes. And um, she over time with ALS lost the ability to speak, but she had this amazing technology that she could look at a screen with her eyeballs and type with the technology of the eyeballs, meaning that it was so incredible. So she got to be a part of um all of the creation of it. She didn't she wasn't around to see the final um hard copy, um, but that was a takeaway at her celebration of life. Um, so people have her recipes, have her stories, and she that really met it, you know what, it it gave her purpose when she was losing all these faculties.
SPEAKER_00That's beautiful. That is so beautiful. I mean, what do you say to someone who may come to you and say, I don't know how to say goodbye?
SPEAKER_01That's the that that word is super hard. Um and we wouldn't launch into having to say goodbye right away. It's more, what do you love about them? What are they to you? And what what will you miss? What are the stories that are sacred? And I mean, our brains are wired for well for connection and but stories in particular. So I I think those are the real pathways. And to if there's something tangible that you through creation um is a beautiful way to help instead of having to say the words, it it's producing something. And that could be a playlist, it could be an album, um people, you know, making a a shadow box of special material, you know, objects and collecting stories in some way. And look, this is a big ask. The thing people struggle with is having time in our society, right? Um, so it's it's asking people to maybe really be preemptive about legacy work. And um, I don't know if it's during a holiday visit, you can say, Oh, can we go into that box? And and you just kind of pull out scraps of things that are meaningful and um maybe try to make it uh a habit over time and so that it's done piecemeal. Right, right. And then it's not so overwhelming in the moment. It's beautiful.
SPEAKER_00Um I I I think that um one of the things that I did with my mom is we would go through all the old photos and I put together a scrapbook, and I didn't know who half the people were, and quite honestly, I think she forgot who half the people were too. But that's okay because it was just something we did together. Totally. It's really, it's it's wonderful. And I know we talked a little bit about the journey dance that you do, but you were also a published author, and you wrote um Seaweed Sentiment and other haiku from the heart. What talk about that and what inspired that?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, thanks for bringing that up. So I organized um what I call women's group um workshops or gatherings for many years, and one uh, and by it would just be people that wanted to explore things to help in self-growth, a variety of topics we explored. And a friend came in and her topic was um writing haiku. It was a practice she did basically daily, and she would take photographs and produce a haiku poem.
SPEAKER_04Wow.
SPEAKER_01And haiku, for folks that don't know, is the most accessible poetry that I know. It's just 17 syllables, so five in the first line, five in the last line, and seven in the middle. Um, but it's challenging to work with too because it forces you to really consolidate um a thought into just 17 syllables. Um and I took it on as I would I love playing with words. And I remember as a young girl at haiku when I was introduced in like third or fourth grade, I really resonated with it. And um, so I played with that practice, and it mostly it developed on um my daily dog walks with my my little terrier and snapping photos of of beautiful sights. And I found that it was one, it was fun, um, because sometimes it would be very playful topics, help me deal with. I remember wrote one about garbage bags being stuck in the in the hallway. No one was taking them out to the garage. And it's like instead of being frustrated with my family members, I wrote a haiku about it. And it's like, okay, that was brilliant. Yes. It was another way to process frustration. Um, and then sometimes there's um bigger themes about life experience that come out. And so that that process, well, I think being able to create something every day is really satisfying for me. Um and I'll it Tim Ferris, the great podcaster, he's he has this little line, um, make before you manage. Uh-huh. And that just is like we we do so much managing in our life, uh, with this cultural lifestyle we have. So if you make something and it can be so minute, um, I I put out playlists a lot, or that idea I think is easy. You can just three songs together. It's like, oh, I made something that feels meaningful to me. Um, it it allows the managing part to feel a little more uh, I don't know, almost manageable because you've done something that is more uh from the heart, soul space.
SPEAKER_00I I I totally agree with that it's um the little things. You just, you know, one step at a time, right? And you put it together. Excuse me. Um, you're also a Hoffman Process graduate leader. Tell us what that is.
SPEAKER_01Sure, I'd be glad to. So that's on a volunteer basis, but I've been doing it for about five years now. The Hoffman Process uh is an amazing program, and uh it basically focuses on people looking at their patterns and helping people develop tools and practices so that they're operating more from an authentic place than a patterned place, um, because those two things often are not the same by any means. And um Hoffman has um two locations. Uh, there you know, there's actually more than two, but the main ones are in California and the other ones happens to be in Connecticut. And when I completed this program um in 2021, and they encourage us to maybe join a graduate group in our area to be able to work in community with people who have also done the program to work with the tools and practices, because without practice, you know, it kind of gets latent. Um, but there wasn't one in Connecticut. So I said, let me try. We meet monthly, and uh I guide our group in with modules that um help us work on our patterns. And it's it just reinforces a lot of the work that I do, um, particularly the grief work, um, doula work, and um helps me tap into that heart-centered space. Uh I can't say enough about Hoffman. It it it really when I describe like those four aspects of the humans, it it comes from Hoffman work. And um so it the other piece, of course, is that it builds our community um uh in this common language that we have. And um, so we we can just connect at that soul-to-soul authentic level pretty quickly without having known one another.
SPEAKER_00That's amazing. I um I'd like to do a quick lightning round with you where you answer the one question, you answer with one word um or one sentence or whatever comes naturally to you. Um what's one word you associate with grief?
SPEAKER_01I have to say love. And not in a I don't know, reductionist way. The more you grieve, it perhaps it's probably more love that was right.
SPEAKER_00Isn't grief love with no place to go, right? Um how about one word you associate with healing? Ease. Um how about one thing people should say um to someone who is grieving?
SPEAKER_01I think what I said earlier, um my heart is with you.
SPEAKER_00Um what's one small ritual that can bring comfort after a loss?
SPEAKER_01I'd say the the go-to is lighting a candle with intention.
SPEAKER_00I love that. I do. Um what's one thing death has taught you about life?
SPEAKER_01I'll say that everything's energy and we we have the capacity to cultivate different types of energy.
SPEAKER_00How about what's one word you hope listeners take away from this conversation?
SPEAKER_01I guess nurture and nurture yourself, nurture other people, nurture the world.
SPEAKER_00I love that. I um I I love this conversation. You are such a beautiful soul, and I'm so grateful that we could talk about grief. It's it's a heavy topic, but um it's so important because it's really part of life.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00And um can't escape it. Yes, and so I usually um close out every one of my shows with a poem from my son Scott. And um this one is it's called In Exile. And he writes, I haven't written something for a while, but I've been treating my life in exile. I disregard my deepest desires to achieve this role that has already expired. I crave for attention, is what I tell myself, to conclude my actions for these acts. But honestly, that reasoning is pretty whack. I love myself and I know my own attention is all I need. That is true. It is the care for others that I lack, and that leaves my head askew. Death is a concept so hard to conceptualize, but I don't know why we make it so monetized. Funerals are for those to let go of the past. But we're living in a future, so why go back and make those memories last? People come and go, and don't get me wrong, I care about others. But it is the selfish nature of all human beings that makes me wonder if it all goes into the gutter. I don't see the point why I would keep open up to others just for them to tell their mothers of my primal nature, just creating bad behavior and non-confirming anger. That brings me to quaver and return back to my chamber. He um he had some heavy thoughts as a 15-year-old. Wow, that was at 15. It was crazy.
SPEAKER_04Wow. I um powerful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm so grateful for you, Julie. And to our listeners today, if this conversation touched something within you, I hope you give yourself space and permission to feel it because grief is love, as we said, with nowhere to go. And but with support, with care, with people like Julie, they help us get through the toughest times of our life. And Julie, can you let our listeners know how to reach you?
SPEAKER_01Yes. Um, authenticmatters.net is my website. That's probably the most effective. I'm not the most um out there on social media, but I do post uh my haiku almost daily on Instagram, and that's at julie.blitzer. Um you can friend me on Facebook, and I write an occasional blog, and um often in the self-development genre.
SPEAKER_00I'm there. I love that. Well, this is SOS Stories of Survivors, where survival sparks the soul. And thank you so much for being here today, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Take care.