SOS - Stories of Survivors

Ep. 059 | Finding Fabulous After Loss: Kristin Price Hocker’s Story of Survival, Grace, and Joy

• Serina Dansker • Season 2 • Episode 59

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In this heartfelt episode of S.O.S. Stories of Survivors, Serina sits down with Kristin Price Hocker, host of Finding Fabulous, to share her powerful story of survival, transformation, and choosing joy after life-changing loss.

Kristin opens up about losing her leg after a sudden battle with necrotizing fasciitis, surviving a near-death experience, navigating divorce, motherhood, body image, faith, and learning how to rebuild a life that looked very different than the one she once knew.

With honesty, humor, and grace, Kristin reminds us that survival is not always clean or easy — but even after trauma, there can still be laughter, purpose, connection, and beauty on the other side. 

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

SPEAKER_00

Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scum has a story. Every loss carries love, and every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Hi, and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors, where we share stories of healing, resilience, loss, love, and the human spirit. I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and today's guest is Kristen Price Hawker. And her story is one of survival, strength, and transformation. Kristen lost her leg after battling uh bacteria. She went through a difficult divorce. She had a near-death experience. And what makes Kristen so inspiring is not just what she survived, but how she keeps choosing to live. And she keeps laughing. She keeps showing up. She keeps finding the fabulous in life. Today, Kristen is the host of her own podcast, Finding Fabulous, where she helps remind others that even after life breaks us open, there can still be beauty, purpose, joy, and connection on the other side. Kristen, welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. I feel so blessed that you're here.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you so much for having me. I'm humbled by that introduction. Like, is that really all true? That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00

You are you are. You inspire me, and you inspire so many other people. So I I just I feel just lucky. But before we get to the hard parts of your story and and and um what you went through, I I would love for our audience to get to know who is Kristen? What was your like life before this all happened?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, sure. Well, I suppose I was always a caregiver. I grew up the oldest of three girls.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

And I lost my father sadly, uh, pretty early on in college at age 20. And then we quickly became like a Brady Bunch family. So it was the more the merrier, and we just had tons of fun. It was active, and things were just kind of going along as as you would expect, right? Um, so my brothers and my sisters and I were moving through life and getting married and starting our families. And I got married at 30. Wow. And I um had a career leading up to that point. I was working in advertising in New York and some other cities. And then um at 32, I had my first baby. And then shortly after, three more. So I am the mom. I'm a mom of four kids, yes.

SPEAKER_00

Well, now where did you meet your husband? Did you meet him?

SPEAKER_01

So I met him in the city. Oh, in the city, okay. Yep. So we had some fun times, you know, out in Denver and we traveled some a bit, and then we hunkered down and we moved out to the burbs, as many do. Yes. And we were in Darien.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. Yes. That's crazy. So how many years did are the kids apart?

SPEAKER_01

So so I have um four kids over eight years. Wow. Um, and my um husband and I were married about 17 years when we did make the decision to go separate ways.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. Well, we'll we'll get to all of that. But what I wanted to talk about first is when when people hear your story, and and you've you've gone through so much, and as as many of us have, but um, what do you want people to first think um or or understand about what happened to you?

SPEAKER_01

Just um while life changing, you know, we're still the essence of who we are. And I think a lot of times you can really, if you just go back to your younger self and you feel some of the same things you felt then, you can pull from that joy and that strength. Um, and I do think we've all walked different paths, but I would challenge anyone to uh remember a time when they did have some resilience or when they were able to find humor. Yeah. So in a difficult moment, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. I mean, you do. You always you make me laugh. Every time I run into you, we always laugh and you always we do. False and credit to you also, Serena. Oh my gosh. But but you you how do you attribute um I I guess were you always someone who found humor and beauty in life or your fabulousness? Um, or is that something that you had to learn as you got older?

SPEAKER_01

Well, it's so funny. I talk about that with my kids, my my daughters and my son. I talk about that with my friends and my podcasting business partner, Megan. You know, it's very interesting. Like what what what is it nurture or nature, right? Yeah. And are some people just based on their experiences and I would say even the timing of their experiences, do we have um brain waves that have exercised in a more resilient way because of something we were forced to face? Yeah. Uh because of something we chose to face? Um, are are people made of just different chemical makeups to begin with? I'm not really sure of the answer. I'd love to dive deeper and find that out. But for me, I think probably exercising some of those little mini battles or in some cases larger traumas fairly early on probably I wouldn't say set me up for dealing with what was to come, but certainly didn't hurt.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's so funny you say that because when I think about just, you know, the the stuff that I've gone through in my life too, and I and I try and put it all together, it it is a journey, you know, and I don't know if it's planned that way or it it just happens that way, you know. But I I don't believe in the city. It's a great debate, right? Right. And I think that had I not gone through all the crap I've gone through in my life, I don't know if I would have been as resilient or or understand the trauma that I was going through when I lost my son. So it's just it's really funny, you know.

SPEAKER_01

I think that's fair to say because you and I in in different and similar ways have had some colorful things happen along the way. Yes. It didn't even seem so traumatic at the time. I mean, you know, my parents were living their lives. I mean, yes, it was a a balance of a rather conservative lifestyle um coupled with some things thrown in, you know, um that were were more on my dad's side. But I'll tell you what, it at the time it just seemed fun and it just as a child, it's what you know.

SPEAKER_00

It's and it yes, and uh you just you follow their example as well. And that's very true. I think growing up in the era that we grow up, not as much attention or w was placed on some of those things. And I don't know if that's right if that I think impacted us, but but I think in some ways it did, you know.

SPEAKER_01

I think I I couldn't agree more. And I we have talked about connection and community being so important. And I think back to my mother, you know, here she was in the late 70s, a woman of divorce where not many people were going through that. And what a difference for her to not have that built-in network. Oh, yes, whether through resources, professional, um, you know, access to professional um um uh resources, but but really, I mean, just the friends alone and the understanding.

SPEAKER_00

We have that in common because my mother too was a single mom and it was in the 70s, early 70s, and you know, it was just like, how could you raise a child and not have a a husband or partnership in place in place? And it's um it's fascinating. But I want to talk more about you and and how would you describe yourself today after everything you've done? What would you give me like one word that describes who is Kristen today?

SPEAKER_01

Roller coaster. Um well, it does depend on the day, but if we're looking at an overall trend, I would say happy. Um, I would say um very um optimistic for purpose and joy. Um, I I feel that that is something that has come about in some ways because of what I've been through.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I was gonna say because I love that you say roller coaster because life does, it ebbs and flows. And I think it goes sideways.

SPEAKER_01

And you know, there's the roller coaster rides that go upside down.

SPEAKER_00

You know what? I forgot about that. But it's true. But and and I don't think you'd recognize the highs if you didn't have to deal with the lows.

SPEAKER_01

Yin and the yang, right? Yeah. Funny enough, I did have a yin-yang tattoo on the ankle that I lost when I experienced limb loss. There are some funny stories leading up to all this, which is really, I think, for anyone going through little traumas, as they say, or big T's, um, really humor. You got you gotta try to find it if you can. Because I mean, I walked in here, which I found humorous. You were blowing bubbles. Because in some way you found that like that brings out the same feeling, right? The laughter.

SPEAKER_00

It brings, it makes me smile. And I just it's something that I do when I just like when I break out my hula hoop, and people are like, what are you doing? Exactly. Like, you know what? You gotta do you. And and and that's that's what I've learned in life.

SPEAKER_01

Um boy, that's so true. We had a guest on our podcast who was talking about grief and reimagining grief. And she just had such uh she just lit up when she talked about like, you know, putting on her mom's belly dancer outfit and just going for it.

SPEAKER_00

Because why not? Why exactly, why not? You know, this is this we have one shot at this life. And uh it's so funny. Yesterday I was in Costco and I was rushing around and um looking for the shortest line because it's chaotic there. And I get on this line and you know, I'm I'm waiting there for a few minutes, and this older woman says, Oh dear, I was next online. And I'm like, okay, I'm pretty sure you were not here, but if it matters that much to you, go ahead. I can wait another five minutes. And she says something really profound to me. She's like, you know, dear, we all have to wait, even if to die. And I was like, wow, I'm like, and and so I thought about what she's saying, and it made me stop a second and say, you know what? She's right. You know, that's not something I'm gonna rush and do, you know, that's not a line I want to cut, you know, or so it just made me take a pause and say, What am I doing? Why am I rushing around? Why don't I pause and take a breath and and just that's right enjoy the moment.

SPEAKER_01

Pause for all of it, right? Yeah and also the thing that comes to mind too when I hear something that somebody random, a stranger that you don't know has said to you, I mean, you really don't know what anyone's going through. No. I mean, you could see someone going about their business or appearing to succeed or being, you know, glossed up or whatever, whatever the revved up the whatever the words people want to use, and you just don't know whether everything really is just that smooth in that moment or whether they're just really, you know, stepping to the plate.

SPEAKER_00

Well, that and that's the thing. Um let's let's talk about you. And can you take us back to when you first realized something was wrong with your leg? Sure.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um, I guess the best way to start is really um it was September uh 13th, Friday the 13th. Oh boy, uh, 2013, and it was back to school. So any of us who are coming back to jobs after a slower summer or getting kids back, it that it was exactly that kind of Friday. Uh-huh. Okay. So, like on the end of a busy week at work, um, back to school picnic. Um, I I indicated that at at uh at a point my husband and I had decided that we were going to be uh separating, and that was right around that time. In fact, we had filed for divorce that Wednesday, so just a couple days prior. Okay. So I had snuck in an errand that had to do with finding some more furniture so that we could start to make that coordinating happen. Needless to say, by the time I wrapped up my day, I was ready to meet up with a friend, ready to have that female conversation, just take a load off. And I went to one of our local uh restaurants that uh has a particularly small area, and I was just kind of making my way anxious to get where I needed to be, probably feeling rushed and probably wearing too high of a heel. But in any case, rolled my ankle.

SPEAKER_02

Oh God.

SPEAKER_01

Didn't pay much attention, sat down, had a great night with my friends, met up with some other friends, realized I was in pain uh by the next day, and went to a doctor to start my treatment of what was um uh diagnosed as a second degree sprain, um, torn tendon, ice and elevate. Oh my god. And um, needless to say, the icing and elevating went on for a couple days and quickly changed into something completely different.

SPEAKER_00

So okay, so so talk about that. So yeah did you get a second or opinion or what exactly? Right.

SPEAKER_01

So I I think that um for for me it was the pain, it was so extraordinary. Yeah. So I went back for more opinions from the same um doctor in the same office. And um within a week's time, um, there was clearly something else going on. Um and um the the the sprain was changing appearance, um, the pain was excruciating. And so of course I always have to put that the PSA to everyone to just be very aware of your own body and your symptoms and pay attention because it's trying to tell you something. Um, which we thought we were paying attention, but within the week's time, um by that Thursday, um I realized um I am my body's paralyzing and um not only is it a physical thing around the area of the injury, but my whole body is something's happening. I'm I'm suffocating from inside. And so I asked my then husband to take me to the hospital or that I needed to go to the hospital, and we promptly called an ambulance um and off we went. So, and the rest is pretty much a blur until I woke up. I had three surgeries in the next, you know, 48 hours.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, let's let's talk about that, you know. So what do you what do you remember in those first moments why I know you you say it was all the blur and you had all these surgeries. Um but talk talk about uh about that.

SPEAKER_01

So so yeah, so the first thing I so I remember being rushed through the hospital with some friends by my side as if it was like you know rushing through Grey's anatomy scenes. It just seemed just I don't know, it just seemed like everything was gonna be okay. Physically, emotionally, yeah, you just everything because you're in the hands of care. Right. So you just surrounded by some people and um that's all that matters, right? Right. And then um the next thing I know, I am waking up to a um to a bright light. And like nothing you've ever uh seen in your in your you know your daily life, um a light so bright that it should hurt, but it doesn't. And so warm that it should, you know, burn, but it doesn't. And um it literally pulled me into this space. And um I was making my way into what I like to call a Mediterranean bistro. Um and it really was all my senses on fire, like it would be in that environment, you know. Wow. Um just complete comfort, um, peace, the anticipation of an ocean over a cliff. Um, I was just kind of making my way very easily through these little bistros tables, little lights everywhere. And I was about to turn a corner and my heart was just exploding. Right. And maybe this is because I had recently filed for a divorce. I don't know what was in my brain during this time, but I had that feeling of, wow, I'm meeting this hot date. Like this is a blind date. I'm meeting like whoever this is, I love them already. Like my heart was just exploding. And I started to turn around the corner and I just cannot explain the anticipation I had. It just between senses on fire and anticipation, no place you'd rather be. And um, but that was gonna change for me because in about the next split second, I'm being quickly, quickly pulled right back out of that same space. And I kind of like jolt into seeing my kids' faces right before me. It's my oldest, Carrie, and then Caitlin and then Ryan and then Chloe. And I just jolted up. And the first thing I thought was, oh my gosh, like what did the babysitter not show up? I didn't want to leave that space, that date. Like what I didn't want to leave what I had experienced.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. Well, you and you had no pain while you were there. I had no pain.

SPEAKER_01

Although such a good question because when I woke up and I saw their faces, and at first I was like, oh, why did I have to leave that space? Yeah. But the second thought I had was, thank God this pain is mine and not theirs. I don't remember feeling pain in that moment, but I do remember being jolted in some to some sort of reality where I knew I had pain.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. Yes. That's that's so so this is when you were having the surgery.

SPEAKER_01

This is somewhere in the process of going to the hospital Thursday. Surgeries were happening on Friday, um, amputation of my leg to save my life.

SPEAKER_00

So they so so yeah. Right. What you go into the hospital. You're have they decide they want to have surgery, they're that that you've got because your body is shutting down, that's right.

SPEAKER_01

That they want to um they want to go through all the procedures of first of all, trying to.

SPEAKER_00

When you talk amputation, first of all, do they say, oh, we'll just give you antibiotics or that's right.

SPEAKER_01

So the story comes from my mother and my my former husband and a couple other friends that were there. Basically, they they do everything they can with antibiotics. Okay. So they put you on everything, or in my case, everything they possibly could. There was nothing more to do there.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and then they start physically trying to remove what's infected. It's called, I believe, debrament. My apologies if I'm saying it wrong. That was considered the first surgery. Right. Then they um leave somebody exposed so that they can watch this god-awful flesh-eating disease at this point, you know, necrotizing fasciitis. So they literally can watch it travel. Um, and then at some point they need to go more aggressively and really get ahead of it. And that's when, you know, they start all all the w while they're asking permission from your loved ones as to how far they can take it. And um, I will say, you know, to my former husband's credit, he really let my mother step in um to make a lot of these decisions given our situation. Yeah, but you know, how hard for my mother to have to make a decision like that. Oh my god. For my sisters, my brothers, everybody came to town, my old friends, my new friends, they filled the waiting rooms, they were by my side. Um, people prayed, they let the moonlight come in. All this time, you're you're not with it. I'm not with it. And my kids, you know, had to come in and um prepare to say goodbye. So my poor family, I mean, I'm just and I'm like we joke, I just slept through it. Of course. Yeah, yeah. I was having a good time. I was dreaming about Mediterranean beastrous.

SPEAKER_02

I love that.

SPEAKER_01

But um so yes, to do the final surgery, um, the question became, and it kept getting increasingly more aggressive, and and the surgery was more and more drastic. And finally my mother tells it that she said to the doctor, Okay, I'm signing the papers, you know, we'll we'll remove this limb. And she said, and that then she'll be fine. And the doctors were like, No, no, there's this is 50-50 all the way. That's just the only option we have. So, um, and I had organ failure um and my heart stopped twice. So I was So did you you kept going back to the bistro? Did you uh you know I only remember the bistro once.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

But um, crazy story, the day after the surgery. So the surgery happened that next Friday, the 20th. By the next morning, um my community had come together and done a prayer ritual at the church led by my um past pastor and friend, and she came to visit me after. And at this point, the family didn't think I would wake up anytime soon, but they were preparing to how to tell me. So they had organized a committee. It was going to be, you know, my pastor and my surgeon and my mother and and my ex-husband or my former husband. And every time they would meet to prepare or do a dress rehearsal for this big conversation, somebody would be missing, or I wouldn't wake up, which they really weren't prepared for me to wake up for another three, four days anyway. So, but they had tried, and my pastor came on that Saturday and she stood over me and I opened my eyes for her. Now, I hadn't opened my eyes for any of those other people I mentioned who were obviously very important to me. I opened my eyes for her and we had like this very exhausting 10-second exchange. And I'll never forget it. I mean, I to this day it's almost it's too emotional almost to look into her eyes. Wow. Um, and she told me, we had had a conversation, strangely enough, and I have several premonitions, in a way, if you want to call them that. But one of them was I had gone into her office when I was starting this talk about divorce, and I had said, um, and she was giving me some some therapy, and I left and I went back in and I said, one more question. What does grace mean to you? It's it's a beautiful word. Yes. It's abstract. What does it mean to you? And she gave me a very lovely answer, um, something about the gentle acceptance of, you know, she probably I'm sure she put it in God's terms, you know, of God's love. And and so when I woke to her eyes that Saturday, um, she said, Do you remember that conversation we recently had about grace? I need you to remember it right now. I need you to hold on to it. Hold on to the grace. She's like, We were all just together, 200 of us, uh praying and just just you know, sending positive vibes, and you just you just need to know that right now. And I was like, Do I have to hold my eyes open any longer? Because I really cannot do it. But those are the words she left me with. Wow. And I closed my eyes and then I didn't wake up again for a couple of days. Wow. So that was sort of a neat experience as well. She claims for her as well. It was just a nice exchange. And it really gave me th those kinds of experiences did give me some renewed faith walking forward. I would say then if I hadn't experienced those.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Which is why I think it's important to share it because not everybody has the same experience, but it it did help it did help me.

SPEAKER_00

I I I I I think giving yourself grace is one of the hardest things.

SPEAKER_01

I talk about that all the time. We do. I mean, we we talk to our friends and our family. Yes with Kindness and grace. Yes. Do we always give it to ourselves?

SPEAKER_00

Not necessarily. Not even close. We're always the hardest on ourselves. And it's just, you know, when I try and remind my children, it's like, give yourself grace. You weren't born knowing everything. And you know, there's And your mom doesn't know everything even now, right? No.

SPEAKER_01

Once you admit that to yourself, it's so much easier.

SPEAKER_00

It it is. And it it it's a journey. And and you you learn and you take one. You weren't, you know, you didn't get born and know how to drive a car, you know. It's like, yeah, it takes steps and eventually you'll get there. But you have to give yourself grace when you make mistakes.

SPEAKER_01

And that's right. And and I love the idea of steps too.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Because it really is one conversation at a time. Again, you know, if we're talking about um we today we're talking about post-trauma, but even, you know, on our podcast we talk a lot about just shifting and pivoting to next chapters. Yes. And so just small baby steps.

SPEAKER_00

Just take a little step, right? Oh my God. Like a a lot of people think, you know, survival means, you know, feeling grateful right away, you know, but sometimes survival is messy. You know, when you woke up or when you realized, you know, that your leg was gone, did you feel anger or grief, fear, or, you know, such a great question.

SPEAKER_01

And as I said, you know, I had a group of really special people trying to break that difficult news to me. And um either they weren't all together or somebody would be afraid to tell me. You know, I'd be sort of half waking up, half communicating. And you I, you know, my mother wouldn't want to tell me until somebody else was present. And um, so finally um I was aware enough um to ask my um then husband, you know, what happened? Like I would I'm so I didn't realize I was missing anything. There's too many, first of all, drugs, and secondly blankets and just confusion. Um I mean I was just still figuring out what day it was and what my name was. And so he said to me, you know, I said, Do I still have my sprain?

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

And he said to me, um, you know, you no, you don't. Um, you know, you got so the sprain got so bad and you got so sick from it that um Kristen, we had to take your leg to save your life. And I felt so much gratitude to that person who I was already going through a difficult time with to be the one to have the strength. To tell you the honesty and just that wow. It's so that was a moment of of gratitude again, you know, in a rather difficult time um because um we were able to put our divorce on hold to get through the rest of this, but we knew it was gonna be uh, you know, an uphill battle on several levels. But that was one of my first um real um exposures to what gratitude actually deep down felt like.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's funny when you say that because you think, you know, sometimes when you go through divorce, it's so messy and there's hatred and all that. But but you when you start a relationship with someone, I think there's there's that love and that that foundation of of you know being I mean, you were with him for 17 years. I mean, there's that love that that that that holds you together. And even though you were going through a difficult time or um the divorce, uh but I he cared enough about you to hold space for you and and to that's a great way to say it. Yeah, to to to be your strength at that moment. And I I I think that's that's I applaud that.

SPEAKER_01

I really was a great example. And then, you know, as you talk about often with your situation and what you've healed through, is just people. It just that I was so fed by professionals, personal, strangers, stories on the news. Everything became so um exaggerated in the way of just being grateful for every little nugget you might hear. Like I remember exactly what was going on in the current events at the time, and I just the little nuggets I would hear are the things that would make me laugh. But more importantly, the people that um, you know, my friends and family that came to me in all the ways I I really felt like, and I don't think this was me just imagining it, I feel like everybody shows up in ways that suit them when they're brought down to that raw level.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

When they're when they put other things aside and they come to um to save, you know, to help. I mean, if you've got somebody who loves to walk dogs, guess what? Your dog's being walked. If you get you have somebody who really cares about hair, oh my gosh, Kristen, your hair looks horrible. We've got to do something about this, right? You know, one person's you're not eating enough, or you're not eating the right things, or you know, I know you're not supposed to have ice cream, but here it is. Right. So it just was um such a testament to everybody has their something they can bring to the table. And nothing is more important than the next thing because life is full of all of it.

SPEAKER_00

It it's true. It's true. Right? You you just don't and you and sometimes we don't know when we're going through that what we need. Well, that's just it. It's you know, you're you're so overwhelmed by the current trauma, the current situation, and and just trying to figure out what the next steps are gonna be.

SPEAKER_01

Um and people sharing things with you too that you don't see when you're going through all that. Yeah. Your blinders on a little bit. And somebody might uh um tell you later, again, you know, uh back to my former husband about how um much he cared for the kids during that time in terms of protecting their interests, right?

SPEAKER_00

Um, ask you about them and how how the impact of what you were going through attracted them.

SPEAKER_01

Well, um it it a lot. Yeah. Um and they were ages second grade to tenth grade. Wow. So the tenth grader, you know, was Carrie was at an age where her friends were fully aware of what was happening. And their their parents were very open with them. And they were very supportive at the high school. They were in the middle of exams, and so they were very supportive of Carrie's needs, and they hung out in that, you know, I see you waiting room with her day in and day out.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and then all the people, by the way, that surrounded them and brought them waters or brought them, you know, lunch every day, or you know, magic markers to make signs. So when I woke up, you know, God willing, that they could greet me with signs. And um, and just, you know, I don't know, the kids down to my youngest, so you know, the two middle ones um embraced it in their own way. I think there was confusion and they tried to distract themselves. I think my my secondborn was caught on camera. In fact, I know I just saw the picture, doing cartwheels and jumping jacks and somersaults, which is her personality. That's good. That's what you need. That's how you deal with it. Everybody needed that. Yeah. The grandmothers, everybody needed to see that. Um, and then my youngest, you know, being so little, I mean, she just remembers not being told everything, knowing something more serious was going on than what she was being told, no fault to any adults. We know we don't know how to handle things because we don't know what they know.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01

And her world was turned upside down. And of course, when she found out what happened, how was she going to hang out with a mom who had experienced limb loss when all she knew was hiding under my legs, you know, for all her years. So um, yeah, it was I I in fact, um, not to flash forward too much, but we can certainly move to the next phase, which was going to the rehab hospital. And I spent a number of weeks there. Um, and my youngest, Chloe, would really not visit me to it. Like she she did not want to come in the room. Yeah. Because she was understandably afraid of what she was gonna see.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's it's it's you don't you know it's fearful because when you're faced with the unknown and how things are gonna be different, it's it it is, it's it's so difficult. And what about how you were thinking about things? How did this change the way you were thinking about life, about motherhood, um, your faith, your your your purpose, you know? You were coming to the world. All of you and you were a mom. So, you know, driving all all of that. All of it.

SPEAKER_01

And I had I was so spoiled by everybody I just mentioned that I kind of put all the tasks to the side. I was like, oh that's great. I can I'm a good primadonna. This works out very nicely. But of course, I did um, I remember the first time I went out into the world at one of the hospitals, I was saying goodbye to my brothers were flying out, and I was just devastated to be in the world because it was out of the safety zone. And every time I would move, you know, from a different location. I mean, the people, right? They're strangers at first, then they become your safety zone. Yeah. And um, so it's easy to want to maybe stay in a cocoon because of the unknown, as you mentioned. Uh, but I really think again, it's the people um having uh just the the people comfort you in knowing that you know, telling you stories or showing you. I mean, I I've heard other people mention this in loss, but I liked seeing pictures of the recent concert I had gone to where I had my two legs and we were jolting over hills to get to it, you know. Right, right. I liked that the first flowers I got at the hospital were from my dance studio when I would, you know, I had been dancing and taking ballroom dancing lessons, and they sent me a huge bouquet, and that didn't make me sad. It made me happy that I had experienced all those kinds of things.

SPEAKER_00

I I I love that. I love that you were able to look back into your life and and find joy and and not not have remorse for for for that part of you that that's missing. I mean, I I can relate on a totally different level, but um you were also going through something simultaneously. You were losing your limb, and as if that wasn't bad enough. Now you were dealing with with divorce, and um I guess you can say that's another kind of loss in some ways. Sure.

SPEAKER_01

And how did that chapter uh affect your it Yeah, it's it was um in some ways uh very surreal to be going through such significant loss at the same time. Yeah. Um I do feel that for me anyway, I probably only have so much capacity in this feeble brain. So in some ways dealing with one helped me balance out dealing with the other. Um it almost kept them in check um to go through these transitions at the same time. Now, with that said, I will say I know enough about the process of going through these things that it is a process. Yes. And you may think you're in one place at one time and find out even three years later that's not the case, right? Right, right. So um, but but again, I I go back to all the conversations I had with people. I had friends visit me every day the four weeks I was at uh Gaylord Hospital, which was an hour and a half away or approximately, um, and my friend organized lunches for me with different people every day. And I've had conversation you know, just looking at people's eyes. Yeah. And just having that connection, that was all the difference.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you know, it's it's funny. Connection and having someone hold space for you can really, you know, even if they don't say anything, just knowing that they're there. That's right. And, you know, they have your back in whatever form, because in a lot of ways, when you when you're going through trauma, whether it's losing a limb, whether it's going through divorce, whether it's grief, um, you have to kind of figure out the new you, the new way of doing things, if you will. Um and and find your purpose, you know, at this juncture of your life, or or make a plan on how you're going to move forward, you know, one step at a time.

SPEAKER_01

And um and you and I both know that um looking to children, especially your own children, yeah, is really important because it we still have those other little people, right? And um having that purpose of just uh you know, being there for them. Yes, it it it it can, not always, but it can take you away from yourself.

SPEAKER_00

And and yes, and I think it's so important to show our children how we uh persevere, how we let our resilience um take charge. And it's it's not pretty, it's messy sometimes.

SPEAKER_01

It's messy, but a hundred percent I agree. I mean, I think I can say pretty confidently that my youngest, who was afraid to go into my gay lord hospital room, by the time she witnessed some of my friends visiting at lunch and we're laughing and we're just acting like we always did. That definitely had a positive impact. You know, and set the comfort straight. And and also, you know, family members, you know, as hard as it might have been for older family members to just, you know, plow through the drawer and you know, start making the jokes and bounce on the bed and you know.

SPEAKER_00

But that's what you want. You don't want to be treated differently. I I remember going out to the uh club to a party afterwards, and someone came up to me and said, Oh, I'm so happy to see you out here. And I'm like, I want to be here because I still live amongst the living. You know, yes, I have something tragic. I lost my son, but but I'm still here and I want to experience joy again and and and feel, you know, all the things I enjoy. And so that's right.

SPEAKER_01

And thinking about how he might want you to be experiencing yourself. And um, and also I I love I we can get into this or not, but um I love how you talk about still feeling connected with the thing you lost. Exactly. I do. I feel like the person, in your case, the person.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, for me, it's a person. But and and what's funny about that is even today, his childhood friends back then reach out to me and let me know stories about how he's still taking care of them. This one girl sent me a text to get off on a tangent, but it was just blew me away. She said, you know, I was fiddling around with music to my playlist, trying to pick a song, and I wasn't paying attention to the road, and there was this giant metal desk that was in the middle of the highway. And um don't see that every day. No, and she said, and at the last second, his song, which is Stacy's Mom, came on, and she looked up just in the nick of time to swerve out of the way of this metal desk. Um I believe it. You know, just the way he got she goes, it was it was definitely scary. And but if I if he if I didn't look up at that moment, she said, I don't know. She goes, I would have different. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I believe I believe that.

SPEAKER_00

And so I think that um we we go through a lot of things in our lives, whether it's losing a limb, whether it's divorce, whether it's sexual assault, whatever it is that you know that that's changing. You are someone different before, but before you've gone through that, and then you're someone different afterwards. And how did you begin to find your your identity again after so much in your life has changed?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, in some ways I knew I had to get back to normal, but then I also knew normal was different.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Right? Yes. So um my workplace at the time, which I'm still with my corporation, they they were very cooperative, so that really helped me get back to some sort of normalcy. Yes. Um, but at the same time, here I was dealing with the situation of, you know, mobility being more challenging, um, not being able to get around fast, you know, as fast, um, dealing with additional doctor's appointments with all the prosthetic community, which was which are amazing people, um, and reaching out to a whole new um community of adaptive athletes and adaptive fitness people and just people coming back from that kind of loss. And I used the word comeback because that's what it was all about. Yes. So again, finding people who maybe have that in common with you, because I'm not sure I would have learned how to feel some of the same things in such a positive way had I not seen people before me who were a few more steps along the journey leading me.

SPEAKER_00

That's incredible. And and that, and that's what it's that's what it's really all about. I mean, I think we're all connected in in different ways. And I think when you can look to someone who's like, here, let me show you what I did and whether or not that works for you, it's just nice to know that someone has gone through something similar to your situation.

SPEAKER_01

And you can look at them and say, Oh, well, maybe it's not that bad. Yes. They seem like they're doing pretty well with this.

SPEAKER_00

They're okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

It's it's it's really it's it's quite a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01

And then to turn around and and try to, once you're a little further in the process, do it for someone else.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Right? So it's sort of that payback, pay forward.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my God, it's it's so true.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I really, I do think that's a big part of it. I think that it's really hard to go through this alone. Yeah. So whatever people think looks like company for them, whether it's one person or five of support group or not, I just think that's so important. And, you know, my kids too. I mean, we got so much closer in some ways because of the conversations that were both more um raw and deep in some ways, but then also more like humorous in other ways. Like, you know, I mean, every time I slowed down, every time I gave up on my prosthetic leg, every time I said, Well, I'm not gonna try that amusement ride. They were like, Okay, you said that this would not get in the way. Right, right. Like, no excuses. Let's go. Let's do it. Yes. Let's go.

SPEAKER_00

And they hold you accountable, which is awesome. Yes. You know, my kids did the same thing to me. They're like, come on, mom, you know, we're gonna do this. We're gonna do, you know, and and you do things a little differently, maybe, you know, just to um it's it's different, life is different. So, but it's still there's nothing wrong with change, and there's nothing wrong with expanding and growing.

SPEAKER_01

And also honoring what you had before. Like I mean, it's not like I am a dancer by any stretch, but as I said, I was doing it a little bit more recently to losing my leg. And so I did. I took my prosthetic leg and I went back and I tried to dance. It didn't go super well for me, but it was a great feeling, you know. I was like, I'm not gonna ignore that now. I'm gonna see what it's see what it's like.

SPEAKER_00

You know, and there's always chair dancing, and there's a little shimmy, shimmy, shimmy exactly. You know, yeah, you you will find your way, you know, through through it. You just find it. You just find your way through it. And that is a great segue into talking about your podcast, which is called Finding Fabulous. I think that's such a beautiful title. And what does Finding Fabulous mean to you?

SPEAKER_01

Oh my gosh, it's just everything we've been talking about here, right? Um sometimes we get hurdled into a big life change and you you almost um sometimes it feels like by no choice of your own, although I do think everything's a choice. It is, but it seems like you're sometimes you're throttled into something that you need to just change or adapt to. Um but then other types of changes and pivots are just the natural course of life, right? The next chapters that come along, the seasons. So true. And um uh as I was making my way through healing from my limb loss, my kids were getting older and they were moving on, right? And um, career was hitting a a stride, um, but something was like nudging at me. And I was watching um a lot of friends go through the same kind of life stage. And then a friend of mine, Margot, put me in touch with my now business partner and podcasting uh co-host, Megan, and she was like, for different reasons, but for some of the same reasons, on the same path. Yeah. Like, wow, life is changing up. Yes, we're watching our kids shift and move and shake, and we want to shift and shake too. Yes, we don't want to just sit back here and be like, right? So, and they wanted us to. They they want to see us happy.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And and you have a story to tell, right? That's right. And and and you, you know, you've been through so much pain in your life, and why not turn that into a platform?

SPEAKER_01

Turn it into a platform. Uh just um, and again, we we always say on you know on the podcast, you know, our podcast, what we really enjoy doing is telling um the stories of other women.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

And letting them share, again, it could be A to Z, their experiences, where they come from, where they are now, what they've been through. Um and everybody has um such a fascinating way of explaining what they're looking forward to as they transfer over to their next chapter, really. And again, it could be big pivots, little little steps, it doesn't much matter. But I want the one thing that Megan and I always say is we have seen um so many of the same emotions, you know, all these different people from all these different backgrounds, including cultural, whatever it may be, all these different experiences. And, you know, when you ask them, you know, what's finding fabulous look like to you, or what would it look like if you were talking to a friend about it? It's you know, everybody goes inward and they talk about their feelings and what they want to feel and how they want to keep having that spark in life.

SPEAKER_00

That's it. You uh for me, it's it's shining my light, you know, this little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine. And I've I've I'm definitely I've transformed, transitioned from the I mean, not that I was a terrible person before my I lost my son, but who I was and my priorities shifted and changed and morphed into the person I am today. And I see things so differently now. I I it's just I find that I'm I'm lighter. I've my my goals in life are different. But what makes me happy are the little things. It's just enjoying life. And I try not to get so caught up on the ins and outs of everyday stuff that goes on.

SPEAKER_01

I'm so amazed by you, and I'm so happy for you that that's where you've that's where you are. Um because, you know, again, you know, you have so many qualities to your character. Um, and and everybody does, it's just harder to find. It's always say finding, right? It's like an ongoing process. But I just think, you know, when we feel, and we do, you know, every day, right? There's a moment where you might not feel as good as the other moments, but when you feel in that moment of pain, like just try to like lift up, even just a little tiny bit, you know, or change the narrative. You know, it's that's amazing. It could be amazing, yes. It could be even a little bit more dramatic. Like, why am I beating myself up about this? Why don't I change it to actually, you know, lift myself up over that?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, yes, learn. It's so funny you say that because you know, we we beat ourselves up over this most mundane things. But instead of saying, okay, I that didn't work out for me, I'm gonna shift and learn or pivot and try it a different way, if that's really the goal that I'm going for, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Because if you were talking to a friend and you were hearing your story and you were hearing how and they were responding to your story the way you do, you would be like, you know, saying things to them that we don't say to ourselves. That's right. And I think that's why it's so important to have these conversations. I mean, we just love getting real on the podcast and in real life, like we it well, and by the way, I agree, everything in life is crossover, right? You learn from all of it. Like those conversations we have when we're recording, it makes the conversations I have with a normal when I have a normal cup of coffee so much better. Wow. Like you just you want to listen to people, you want to look in their eyes, and you want to learn from them because I guarantee everyone has a story. And everyone you can learn from everyone.

SPEAKER_00

And that's right. We all have stories and we all can learn. And it's so healing to to talk about these stories and to share them and to know that you're making a difference in other people's lives. And maybe someone was stuck, but now they can hear your story and how how you persevered and in spite of everything that was going on in your life, and and they they they see the light, they they see a way through the the darkest times of their lives.

SPEAKER_01

That's beautifully said. We always talk about stuck, you know. Yeah. And even, you know, on a daily basis, we can all get stuck, right? It just takes a moment to yeah, get yourself out of that.

SPEAKER_00

So Oh my God. So so what's surprised you the most about sharing your story publicly uh on your podcast and um yeah, for my story, I guess just how um how much it does seem to resonate with people.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, even though it's a little bit of an odd story. Um, but I feel like and I've it's been what, let's see, 14 years now. Um so I tend to brush over it sometimes because it's something I've talked about a lot. Um and I have to remember to um slow down and and the because as much as I want the connection from other people, they want the connection too, right? So we almost I feel like I do myself a disservice if I brush through the feelings because they're coming up for a reason. It's and we need to I I feel I need to pay attention to to it when they come up. And if someone's nudging me to they're asking a question or they want to hear more about it, I mean, I first of all, I think too, part of this connecting thing is just come out, come right out with it to the to to the to your ability, to the level you're comfortable with, and you do such a beautiful job with that. But I mean, you know, obviously my loss is here. Yeah. People are going to notice and they're going to want to know what happened. So now I'm just better at like coming right out with it, you know?

SPEAKER_00

And and how did your relationship with your with your body and and and change, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Because listen, you that was a big topic, trust me. I was I was writing um or trying to write some pieces for this um magazine that catered to that adaptive community. And one of the topics is, you know, how do you deal with body image? Yes. And especially certain stages of life. I mean, going through a divorce. Sure. Body image is a big thing for many people in that stage. So that was a big topic. Um, yeah, I mean, I just I just was open about the conversations and I listened to all the comments A to Z. You know, some people were really funny about it. Some people were like, well, you could try to do this to feel like yourself again. Other people were like, I don't care. Some people were like, watch out for people who do care. You know, I mean, there was just I got advice from really the gamut. Um, and um, but again, you know, a lot of these um feelings do come back to what matters to everybody. You want to feel comfortable in yourself. You don't want people to make you feel uncomfortable if you're striving to to be there. Um, and you also want to remember what's important. Um, when I first was meeting with psychiatrists at my rehab hospital, Gay Lord, um, she kept asking me, How do you feel about your your body now? And and and and are you what are you thinking about um changing relationships? All those kinds of questions. And I was like, I just want my daughter back. If you can heal that for me, if you can get Chloe to come near my changed body and I can have that exchange, the rest will.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna make me cry. The rest will. Oh my God. Wow.

SPEAKER_01

So again, knowing what's important.

SPEAKER_00

What's important, and it's you know, it's crazy because I've come to realize that these are all our avatars, if you will, you know, and what's really important is our essence, our soul. And this can change. You can take away the limbs of it, you could take away, you know, the branches, however you want to say, you could shake us, you know, and and and and try to knock us down. But your soul remains your soul and who you are. And if you don't lose sight of what your essence is, I think you can recover from just about anything that throws at you.

SPEAKER_01

I could not agree more. And I think sometimes when you're forced to fight through some kind of darkness, your light just shines brighter than ever. Absolutely. It has to. It does.

SPEAKER_00

I I I use that example a lot. I say, you know, like the Japanese art of Kinsugi, where the pottery is shattered, but they put it all together in glue with this beautiful gold, and the the pottery is actually more beautiful after it's been shattered and put back together. And I kind of like it.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I like that analogy. Yeah, to think of us with that one.

SPEAKER_00

We've been shattered. I think we've shine brighter and are more beautiful.

SPEAKER_01

We've definitely been glued back together.

SPEAKER_00

With golden legs.

SPEAKER_01

There you go. Autobock, I've got gold letters now. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh. Um so are there um I you know, you're you're so beautiful and you're strong and you're confident. Um, how do you handle people's reactions to you, their assumptions, just um the questions that come at you?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Like I said, I try to be really open and upfront about it and use humor because then that gives people permission, you know, to use it back. I remember my first prosthetist was very strong on that. He's like, Do you have a good dark sense of humor? I was like, I think so. He's like, Okay, good, you're gonna need it. Um, I also like to um really engage with kids because I feel like kids give you a real sense of what other people are thinking but afraid to say.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And so I learn a lot from them. They're that you know, they'll be like, oh my gosh, you have a bionic leg, you're like a superhero. And I'm like, yeah, I am. That's right. I feel really good that day, you know? And then there are other kids that are really shy, and I just reassure their parents, listen, you know, I know it's not my job to make you feel comfortable, but I'm okay with this, so you know, don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's beautiful. Yeah. So um what what role has faith or your spirituality played in this? I know you talked a little bit about it.

SPEAKER_01

I think that honestly, when we experience like what I did with the crossing over, I would, I would call it. Um or if you feel you were getting signs from someone who has passed away, I feel like those kinds of events give you almost no choice but to believe. If you didn't have faith before, I mean, my mother would always say, Well, faith, having faith is better than not having faith. So like what's the alternative? Like, why wouldn't you choose a more pleasant path of hope? Um, but that said, if you have something kind of like thrown in your face, you're like, okay, dad, yeah, I get it. You're here. Okay, you're haunting me like you promised me you would. But I really feel just stay open and pay attention. It's just like in in life, too. I mean, pay attention to the doors that open, pay attention to the signs that come your way.

SPEAKER_00

Is there something that you know now that you wish you knew at the beginning of this whole journey?

SPEAKER_01

That I should have run faster and harder when I had two legs. Oh, something that I wow. Um I wish I had used humor more so for the little things along the way before. Yeah. You know, I wish that had always been sort of a go-to healing mechanism for me. Because it sure makes it much more fun.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, it does. It does. You have to laugh at yourself and just, you know. That's it. It you you do because it's it's a journey and and I mean I was I was trying to get I've had a couple setbacks.

SPEAKER_01

It doesn't matter a couple bone breaks. Okay, fine. And so I've been off my prosthetic leg for a little bit. So I've been on this journey to try and get back on it. And um, for no I mean, everybody supporting me, you name them, has been very supportive of that. It's just me. You know, I'm stuck.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. And so I've been trying gradually to get on it each day, a little step at a time, 10 minutes, then 15 minutes. And I just I got so frustrated the other day, and I was just like, all right, here's where the humor has to come in. And I started cursing at this mother effing piece of tin, basically. Oh my god. And throwing it around, like you you can't do this to me. I've got this. You don't. Yes, exactly. So you just have to. For me, I was very angry in that moment, and I was like, uh-uh, no, just make it funny. Because it is kind of funny. So just make it funny.

SPEAKER_00

Oh gosh, I can't, I can't even imagine the struggles that you have to go through to to figure all that shit out. I mean, I have enough just getting one pant leg on on the other side.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it's well, I will tell you, if I was at all talented in fashion, or I'll put it out there for anybody who is, if you can make clothes easier for someone with a prosthetic leg to get in and out of.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01

You know, on the fly or every day for work or just looking attractive with that type of situation, I I applaud you and I will be your best customer.

SPEAKER_00

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

I'm putting it out there because that's good, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Definitely.

SPEAKER_01

That's one thing that is very frustrating.

SPEAKER_00

I can't, I can't even. Um but let's talk, let's lighten it up a little bit. Um how about a song that keeps you going?

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna actually say an artist. I'm gonna say a Noah Khan because he has overcome some stuff. He's just a young kid, basically, and my kids love him, and it brings back good memories of being at the shows and just watching them, you know, applaud him being so open about what he's been through.

SPEAKER_00

I love that. Um what's uh one thing that you makes you feel fabulous that you do like a ritual, a daily ritual?

SPEAKER_01

Fall football. Love it. Love it. Maybe because I don't have to run around as much as like money on the couch potato. That is a ritual I cannot wait. I mean, listen, love all the sports, but that one's a good one.

SPEAKER_00

How about one word to describe your journey? Enlightening. I love that. What do you hope people take away from your story? Uh you you got this too. Yeah. I love that. Where can people find your podcast, Finding Fabulous, and connect with you?

SPEAKER_01

We are on Instagram at Finding Fabulous Pod and also TikTok and YouTube. Um, and our podcast itself is everywhere you get your podcast. So Spotify and Amazon and Apple and iHeart and Pandora and all the good things.

SPEAKER_00

If someone listening feels broken, afraid, or like their life has changed forever, what's one message you would want to leave them with?

SPEAKER_01

You're not alone. You're not alone in feeling that way, and you're not alone in coming back from it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. Uh Kristen, before we close, I usually close out with one of my son, Scott's poems. Um, he was a poet when he was 14 and 15 years old, and a lot of his poems are very deep and resonating with a teenager. But the one I chose to go through today is called unique. And I chose this one because your story is a powerful reminder that we don't have to come back from trauma exactly the same in order to be whole again. Sometimes life changes us in ways we've never asked for, Lord knows. But it doesn't mean we're less beautiful or less strong or less worthy. And your journey has been about surviving, rebuilding, and finding the fabulous in who you are now. And so I want to read this in honor of your strength, your courage, and the unique light you bring to the world. And it goes, everybody is different. No one is the same. Then why do I treat people plain? I don't take the time to listen to them complain. I just pretend I understand their pain. I don't talk, I just take charge. Assume no place for them to walk. I thought I treated everyone differently, especially those who I loved, but I rise no one above. I keep those I know behind a gate, the gate I can't escape, the gate I can't shake, the gate that can't let me be my own shape. I asked myself, when was the last time you were true and didn't move so fast? I tell myself to slow down, keep your head down, I cover myself in confidence so others won't see the true me. I shower myself in all these pickup lines and lies. I don't even know if the real me is still alive. Kristen, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today. And what I love about your journey is that you don't pretend. You're so real, authentic, and so easy to talk to. Your story is a reminder that we are not only what happens to us, we are also what we choose to build afterwards. And thank you for being here on SOS Stories of Survivors. It truly means the world to me.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00

That was beautiful. Thank you. And to our listeners, if you're struggling today or you need help, you can always reach out to 988. Um, it's a hotline that's that's available to all of us. Thank you.