Ep. 61 | Your Twenties Don’t Come With a Manual: The Self-Love Club Next Generation

In this candid episode of S.O.S. Stories of Survivors, Serina Dansker sits down with Lexi, Hannah, and Amanda for a special edition of the Self-Love Club: Next Generation—an honest conversation about what it truly feels like to navigate your twenties.

Behind the polished social media posts, career announcements, college milestones, and seemingly perfect lives are questions so many young women quietly carry: Am I enough? Am I falling behind? Am I on the right path?

Together, they open up about confidence, comparison, career uncertainty, friendships, dating, consent, boundaries, social media, self-care, and the pressure to have everything figured out. They also discuss the challenges of entering the workforce, using artificial intelligence in school and professional environments, outgrowing friendships, recognizing red and green flags in relationships, and learning how to put yourself first without feeling selfish.

This conversation is a reminder that there is no perfect timeline and no single path toward becoming who you are meant to be. Your twenties can be chaotic, uncertain, emotional, and messy—but they can also be a powerful time of growth, resilience, responsibility, and self-discovery.

Serina closes the episode with her son Scott’s poem, Still the Same, which reflects on identity, acceptance, the lasting impact of words, and the struggle to remain true to yourself in a world filled with pressure and judgment.

To learn more about Serina Dansker, purchase her book S.O.S.: A Lesson on Love, Loss, & Survival, book her for a public speaking engagement, and discover more stories of hope, healing, and resilience, visit www.serinadansker.com.

S.O.S. Stories of Survivors — Where Survival Sparks the Soul.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Some people have scars on the outside. Some people wear their scars on the inside. But every scar has a story. Every loss carries love, and every survivor holds a strength they may not realize they possess. Welcome to SOS Stories of Survivors. Hi, and welcome back to SOS Stories of Survivors. This is the Self-Love Club Next Generation. And I am your host, Serena Dansker, and I'm so excited about today's conversation because it's a conversation we don't have often enough. You know, social media tells everybody that they have their dream job, their perfect life, perfect relationship, beautiful apartment, and everything in their life figured out. But in reality, those perfectly filtered pictures don't answer the questions like we all have. Am I enough? Am I falling behind? Will I ever figure this out? So today we're pulling back the curtain on and taking an honest look at what it's really like to be in your 20s. Because if you're struggling, you're definitely not alone. So before we got on air, I asked the girls to write down some answers anonymously to some questions. And I think we should read them together and talk about it. So the first question was right now, the biggest struggle in my 20s is, and the answers were not comparing myself to others. My self-confidence. Prioritizing relationships in terms of work, relationships, schools. Did you see like a little bit of a common thread going on here? But the second question was something I'm afraid to admit is I overworry a lot. I tend to worry about what others think about me. I feel really lost right now. I feel depressed, and it makes me feel embarrassed. Does any of these answers surprise anybody?

SPEAKER_02 2:22

I think that they're very um similar, which is not necessarily surprising, but it's almost nice to see that you know we're not really alone and people are kind of going through similar things right now.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

It's true. I mean, even the next question. I wish more people knew that I'm not as confident as I pretend to be. What it's like to go through your 20s with social media. How many people worry about their perception of others? You know? So it's we all have those insecurities, we all have those fears. And the last question is if I could tell every young woman one thing, it would be everyone is so focused on themselves, so just be you. How awesome is that to remember your younger self and how proud she is of you. Oh, I love this. How about take a pause before you react and say something you may regret? This is great advice, guys. I love this. Well, I guess we should let the audience introduce or get to know you guys. So let's start with Hannah. Introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Um, my name is Hannah. I am currently a rising junior at Providence College. I am a psych major, and one word that I would describe my 20s right now is probably um very eye-opening. I'm learning a lot more about myself and how I am in the world and my identity.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

So I love that.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

How about you, Amanda? My name is Amanda. I am a rising senior at Penn State. I'm studying advertising, and one word that I would use to describe my 20s would be chaotic because I feel that there are a lot of different things all going on at one time, and you're often expected to be if you're going through something, be expected to like put on a face and like act like it's not what it is, and so chaotic.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Yeah, no, that I I get that. How about you, Lexi?

SPEAKER_02 4:33

I'm Lexi. I'm 22. Um, I'm recently a college graduate, so I'm currently getting my master's in social work. And um, one word that definitely describes my 20s right now is chaotic, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

You know, that's so funny because when you think about life in your 20s, when I was 20 years old, I had no clue as to what I was doing, where I was gonna end up. And I just got out of college and picked up and moved clear across the country. I not even a not even a place to like live. I was gonna crash at someone's couch. And you know, today everybody feels like they they have to have a plan and they have to know things. And chaos, guys, is so normal. And it's just something you sh, you know, should just understand that it's okay. Um I've got a question for you guys. When you were 16 or 17, what did you think your 20s would look like?

SPEAKER_02 5:34

Um, well, I definitely thought I'd be moved out by now. I um I when I was 16 or 17, I thought, you know, once you graduate from college, like you move out, you have a really nice paying job, you maybe have a few roommates and live in an apartment with people, and um right now, like it's so different because I feel like everybody my age is doing something so different and is in such a different direction right now.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

That's so true. How about you, Amanda?

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Um, I honestly feel that right now I am doing all those things, like going to school and working towards my degree, and I'm living with a bunch of my friends. So in that way, I think that that's what my past self would envision for me. Um, but I think all of the mental strain and a lot of the pressure that comes with that, I necessarily wouldn't have thought of back then when I was 16.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

How about you, Hannah? Yeah, I totally agree. Um, I didn't realize that like in my 20s I was gonna be like so self-conscious of myself and like worrying that like if I am on the right path. I think when I was 17, I totally visioned like me going to college, like at a four-year school, like doing that whole path plat path, getting a job, and then but yeah, I agree with Amanda with like I didn't realize how like I think, yeah, worried about myself I'd be like throughout this time.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

That interesting. So, you know, have you ever felt like everyone else has their sh their shit together, if you will, you know, and that somehow you didn't get the instruction manual, you know? Um, do you want to talk about that a little bit? Um, sure.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

I mean, that's kind of exactly what it feels like right now. Um, I just think that it's hard when everyone's going different paths and like majoring in different things, because for example, if you're majoring in like um psychology versus like wanting to go to med school versus wanting to go straight into the workforce with business, the path is just so different. Like it's either you're doing more schooling, or like I have friends who are doing Teach for America, or I have friends, you know, who are going right into the workforce. So it's just, it's just very like, I feel like your whole life, everyone kind of tells you what you should be doing. And now that like I'm graduated and I'm finished school, it's like, well, now it's up to me to figure out what I should be doing. And I have no idea.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

And and that's so, that's so true. Can you guys relate? Yeah, I think losing the structure of having I mean, I'm not graduated yet, but kind of I like I get what you mean of losing that structure of having people around you or like your professors or people like kind of pushing you one way and like showing you what you have to do. Um, when you lose that, it's kind of like, well, what do I do now? Yeah. And like even leaving high school to go to college, I felt that big because my high school was so small that now I'm one in like 50,000 kids. So all of the teachers that I had like genuine personal relationships with, they're not like anything similar to my professor. So it was just it's a big like change and like uncertainty, I feel.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

Yeah, I totally agree. Like me and like all my friends up at school, we all have different majors. There's some bio, there's some business, there's some nursing, there's some psychology. Like, we all do different things, and a lot of us even do like extra like curriculars that are so different based off like what our majors are. And sometimes I look at them and I'm like, I feel like they have it, like they're like on their path, and I like I worry if I'm not on the path, even though like we are doing two different things, we want two different goals, but still I find myself like worrying if I'm gonna be on the right track, like they are.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

I'm so glad you brought that up because do you guys feel like once you make a choice in your career that that's it, you can't change? Oh, yeah. Talk about that. Talk about that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

I feel like even just like choosing the major, like once I got up to school, it was like, oh, I'm a psych major. Like, I don't know why I felt like I was gonna be like just stuck as that. And like a lot of my friends did too. They were like, one of my friends was really worried about like choosing a major and like if like it was right for her. And like I think with yeah, just choosing major, it's worried like, oh, after that you can't leave. Like there's like you can only stick with that.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Oh my god, but I could tell you guys that people all the time change their majors. I mean, even well, they don't maybe not even change their majors, they just change their career path. Like, you could I don't know, I'm gonna use psychology since you guys brought that up, but you could be a psychology major and you can go into sales, or you could be a psychology major and you can go work in HR in corporate America. Or quite honestly, if you're a psychology major, you could do what my career was, which was as a financial advisor. And because you need psychology when you're dealing with people in any capacity that it is. So don't ever feel like you're locked in. And you too, Amanda, going into marketing, every career you have to market yourself or you have to be able to um sell yourself. And having that that skill set behind you is invaluable, but you're not pigeoned into any one area. So I don't know if that helps any of you guys. Yes, it does. Good, good. Um I think that every generation discovers that there's things nobody prepares you for. And um let's talk a little bit about what has been one of those things for each of you, and then we'll we'll talk more about your careers. Anybody want to begin? Could you maybe rephrase the question a little bit? Yeah, yeah. So, for example, um you're you're you're living at home, or you're just you're looking at moving out into the real world, or or maybe you're at college and and AI is now out there, and your professor says, if you use AI, I'm gonna fail you. You know, um these are real life things that you guys are going through, or even um social media. You're seeing, you know, all the latest and greatest designs that that are um being showed to you, but none of it works for you. And and how do you respond to all the information that's coming at you?

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Well, I could touch on the topic of AI. I think that it's really interesting growing up and still going to school in the age of AI. I don't know if you guys kind of feel like the same way. I feel like every school and university kind of has like a different policy. Um, and I do feel like AI can be used as a tool, but it can also be like used kind of as like a hindrance. Like I have found like I am personally dumbing down a lot of my work because I'm a little bit worried that someone's gonna think that my own genuine work is AI. And I've had friends who have been accused and things, so that's been very interesting to navigate, especially in the school.

SPEAKER_03 12:40

And what do they do when they're when they're accused? Do they have to defend themselves?

SPEAKER_02 12:44

Um go to the honor board and defend yourself, and it's like a whole thing. And granted, I understand why schools and universities have it, because there are people who use it, and obviously that's academic in um integrity, and you need to make sure that you're not cheating yourself and you're actually, you know, like doing the work. Um, but it it is also hard for people who do the work but find that, you know, like these things are inaccurate, and like, you know, a lot of these checkers are using AI to check AI. So you know crazy. Um I don't know if you guys feel like that, but I've been running into that a bit.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Honestly, I remember some of my professors being super, super against it, and especially in my advertising classes, because a lot of it is supposed to be creative and like it's supposed to be genuine and authentic and from you. So it's very easy to tell when AI is being used. But what's interesting is moving into like some of my other courses, my professors stressed using it as a tool to help you, and like using it as something that can help you along in whatever you're doing, like a project you're working on. And at my job right now, my internship, I actually use AI a lot and I'm in the marketing department, so it's just very interesting. Like, I'm sure if I was working at somewhere where it was more creative and like I was writing copy for like advertisements or something like that, I probably wouldn't be using AI as much. But it's just interesting the way that different opinions kind of especially from professors can really change like the way that you view something like that and how you use it in your life. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Yeah, I totally agree. Like I've had so many different professors and different opinions on it. I have professors that have like been so against it reject it if anybody uses like a lick of it in their papers, and I've had professors tell me that I have to start using AI and stuff because it's the future. That's what we're heading into, like AI. So they've been teaching us how to use these like programs to help us with our work and everything. So it really depends on like our professors and what their views are because and that's even shows like with the world today, it's so like mixed opinions about like how AI looks and everything.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

You know, it's so funny. So you're getting mixed signals from from you know different different areas in in your education and and and learning how to navigate that just adds even more stress, I would think, to the already complicated um workload that you have.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

I think it's just very it's a very interesting thing that's being incorporated into like the workforce and everything right now. And um, I'm very interested to see like five years from now what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

So I um what do you think the biggest adjustment because you're all working um has been to between school and now working? Is there um you know, school is more structured, you know, and now you're at work and I think you're uh you should probably are asked to think more for yourselves and not as structured. Have you have you found that and and has there been any um I guess have you have you had any um confidence issues when you go into work, like that you're not that you don't have all the tools that you need to perform the job that they want you to do?

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Oh yeah, totally. I feel like the difference between school and work, there's like one of the biggest ones I'm also thinking of is like the separation between like a work self and like outside of work versus like school and outside of school. Like at school, like you continue doing work outside of your classes, you're continuously focusing like on those classes. But at my job, like after I clock out, I like I don't think about it that much. Like there's not much I have to worry about outside of it. So that's something that I know is a big distinction for me. And then when I'm at my job, I feel like I do lower my self-confidence a little bit just because I feel like I have to like it's hard for me to advocate more for myself in like a work environment more than like a school environment. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's just because I am like at the bottom of a food chain in my job. But yeah, I feel like sometimes I do find myself um hesitating before reaching out for some help and things like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Yeah, I remember it was like the first or second day of my internship this summer. And I remember we get an hour break for lunch. So I clocked out, I get in my car, I'm like driving to Starbucks, and I'm just sitting in the parking lot, and I just started like crying because I was just like, I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel so unqualified to be here. And like now that it's been some time, like I walk in and like I have my head high and like I know what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing there, but it's definitely there's like these adjustment periods are so intense and it all happens so quickly that it takes a long time to kind of adjust to it. So wow.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

I think my situation's a little interesting because I'm doing um work and night class right now with my masters, and so I think it's definitely interesting, like kind of balancing trying to work all day and then be ready and mentally prepared for class. So that's definitely been an interesting challenge. And I think also like in my um work area right now, my field I'm going into, there's people of all different ages and experience, which is great, but at the same time, I do feel like it's kind of hard like um not to compare myself because I am so young and I am I did just you know graduate from college. So when there's people who are a lot older than I am, it's hard not to be like comparing myself, and I have to kind of understand that they have a lot more life experience than I do, and they have different life experience than I do, but we both bring valuable things to the table.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

So yeah, for sure. I mean, do you has anyone changed their mind about um what they want to do in life based on their jobs that they've that they're now in?

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Well, I feel like this experience has kind of taught me that maybe insurance isn't the way that I really want to go, and maybe I'm looking for something a little bit more creative and good. So I I'm happy for the experience because I wouldn't have known otherwise.

SPEAKER_03 18:55

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

Anyone else?

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Yeah, I feel like my job really solidified where I want to go. Psychology is such a big field, and like you said, Serena, there's so many things that you can do with psychology. And so, since working with um grief and bereavement, that kind of solidified my path of going into therapy. I don't know if I really want to work with bereavement when I'm older, but just figuring out like sizing it down a little bit to like just therapy, this internship really did teach me that.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

That's great in Lux. I think I'm still figuring it out. I think that I have good days and bad days with what I do. And I think that my field in general is just so broad that I'm just trying to keep an open mind and keep my options open and just hopefully figure it out one day.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

You will. The chaos, the chaos will settle. I promise, I promise. All right, let's switch gears and talk a little bit about friendships. Um, you guys are either in college or recently graduated, and I hear a lot of people talk about how their friendships have changed much more by the time they're in their 20s than they had expected. Has this been true for anyone?

SPEAKER_02 20:03

I could touch on that. I think, especially after post grad, like graduating, everyone moves like somewhere else. Like, so I think my friendships kind of have changed in like that way, where like I have some people like moving nearby in New York, but I have people moving to Boston. So it's kind of like everyone's moving everywhere. Um, so it's kind of like I guess your original friend group that you hung out with, like it kind of changes a bit.

SPEAKER_03 20:32

Anyone else had experience like that from their high school friends to now their college years?

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Yeah. Um, I've definitely, as time has gone on, and now a lot of my friends are in college or they're working. Um, I've definitely noticed that there's kind of with a good bunch of my friends, a difference in maturity level. Um and just like kind of maybe we had more in common when we were in high school because we were there together, but now that we're not, maybe we don't have so much in common and kind of the circumstance made us friends. I feel less than choosing people. And I think that being in a school that's so big like Penn State, I had I got to choose my friends and they chose me back. Like it was a mutual and like being in a small high school, it was kind of like, well, this is what you have, so make it work, or you don't, and then you don't have friends. So, but I'm still like close with a lot of my friends from high school. It's just kind of recognizing, like, okay, like I like you for this reason, maybe not so much for this one, but I can make it work or I can't.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah, I completely agree with that. Ever since high school, I've realized how hard it is also to stay close with a lot of my hometown friends just because we all are so far away. And then there's also the fact that so many people move after high school. So many of their parents decide that like they want to retire and want to go down like somewhere warm to like Florida or South Carolina. And it is hard to like keep in contact with them, especially when you don't see them um when you're Home for like the winter breaks or like any type of break. So it is hard to like see them, and you have to like it is I've come to that realization that like you like it's hard to like balance those types of relationships.

SPEAKER_03 22:10

You know, it's so funny you say that because I you know I'm 58, okay, so a little bit older than you guys. But I've come to realize them that not everyone that we're friends with is in your life forever. You know, some people are there for a little bit and and they they're meaningful relationships that you have during that time when you're with them, and then they move out of and then someone else comes into your life. And I think that's how we grow. I think that's how we grow as people, and we discover more about ourselves that way as well. Um, all right, so this next topic is kind of fun. Let's talk about dating. Oh, okay. Has dating in your 20s looked anything like you've imagined?

SPEAKER_00 22:57

No.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

Absolutely not. Okay, so what has dating taught you about yourself? Anyone?

SPEAKER_00 23:10

I think it's taught me a lot about my boundaries, my personal boundaries. I'm not sure if I really ever thought about them before I was romantically involved with people, especially in college. It's very, very different, as I'm sure you know. Yes. Um, so like having my boundaries and kind of understanding what I'm okay with and what I'm not okay with has been super big for me because I didn't have that before.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Yeah, I totally agree. I've like, since college, I've learned more about like what I want in a partner and also like what I'm like, my expectations are for someone. And yeah, ever since college, I've been learning more and more about that with like my dating life.

SPEAKER_03 23:51

Yeah, I think they covered it pretty much. I am yeah, I agree. I mean, I it's really important that you guys remember that if you're dating someone, then they don't add value, cut them loose because at this, you know, at any juncture of your life, you are valuable and you should hold your standards high. You should have boundaries, like Amanda said. Um what do you have um uh a dating lesson that you wish every young woman knew?

SPEAKER_02 24:22

I think that consent is extremely important, and I think a lot I I really feel like there's this almost missing piece in a lot of education about consent and about no means no. And I really think that can start like as kids teaching kids like, you know, your this is your body, you know, no means no. And I think um that's really important.

SPEAKER_03 24:47

That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

I also think that especially with the college scene when alcohol is involved with romantic relationships or encounters romantically, I think that the lines can get very blurred between what's okay and what's not. Right. Um, kind of going off the consent thing there. And I think that it's important to be mindful and take a step back and kind of just be like, would I do this if I was sober? And just like take a second and think about it because you probably wouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 25:18

Yeah, that's good advice.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Yeah, honestly, what I would tell like young women is just like you can speak up for yourself. Like if you don't like, if you don't want to do something, you can like share, like I'm going off of the consent thing again. Like you like, you don't have to just stay quiet and go, oh well, like it's all right just because like he's okay with it, or like if my partner is okay with it, then I think I can like get through it. It's okay to like speak up your opinion and what your boundaries are. It's it's really important in a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 25:45

It's important and and honestly, in anything you do in your life is to stand up for yourself and recognize that you matter. And no matter what kind of pressure someone else might be putting on you, you need to recognize that if you're not comfortable with it, you should not do it. We all have those like um, I call them the icks. You get these feelings when when something's not really the way it should be going. And sometimes you push away, oh, I'm just you know, over imagining things or but listen to your your subconscious and and and recognize that that's coming out at you for a reason.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

Do you know that our generation has a specific word for ick? Oh yeah, what is it? Do you guys want to give some examples of trying to consider?

SPEAKER_00 26:38

I mean like there's so many that like me and my friends, like like what's an example of an ick? Yes, when someone spits.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

Yes, I agree. That's like that's like like our generation, like we get like certain like I guess you could say like icky feelings, like and we call it the ick. Oh my god. So when you mentioned that, I thought I thought I'd share. Oh my god. See, I'm so on-friend.

SPEAKER_03 26:59

You guys know matched up perfectly. All right, how about um what's one green flag every woman should look for?

SPEAKER_01 27:11

I feel like it's like they respect you and they respect other people. I feel like especially with like a lot of like college kids now, or like I feel like it's hard to find someone that like respects like who you are and what you want to do and doesn't make you like change yourself, I guess, for in a sense. Like finding someone that is okay with you being you and everything that who you are and everything that you want to be.

SPEAKER_03 27:34

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 27:36

I would say um your partner, someone you're involved with, having a good relationship or being nice to your friends. I think that's really important, and I think it's really telling how your friends feel about someone because they know you best, especially roommates, like living with people like they know you best. And so I think that their opinions and how they feel about the person that you're with is really important. And if they have a good relationship, I think that that's a green flag.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

I like that. Alex? I think just someone who's supportive and really doesn't, you know, uh tie you down and can just grow with you and you can kind of grow together would be a green flag.

SPEAKER_03 28:15

I like that. Okay, so now conversely, let's talk about the red flags. What's one red flag that you've learned never to ignore? Anyone want to start? All right. I'll I could I could start, you know. A red flag is someone who is mean to their mother. Because any guy that doesn't treat their mother well, they're not gonna treat that lady well.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

But it's something that you've learned never to ignore, is it just yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

I mean, if you yeah, it's or or you you're maybe you're still learning, you know, to spot these red flags.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

I think that sometimes it can be hard because I think that sometimes someone can seem like a green flag, um, and then like slowly like you start to like them more, and then kind of the red flags maybe come out and you kind of blaze over it a little bit and you're like, oh, but they're so nice, you know. Um, so yeah. So you haven't quite figured out how to do that. Well, I think it's like kind of figuring out if someone's genuine versus manipulative.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

Oh, well, that's actually really good. It's not always easy to see those. No. That's true. How about you guys? Any red flags that you've like run from that when you see?

SPEAKER_01 29:35

I totally agree with what you said too, of like their true intentions not being the best and maybe not like like how they think this will go. Like a lot of guys, especially in college, just wanted like one night stand, make out, leave, hook up. Hookup culture is a very big thing in college. And if guys are just like on the path of like doing that, that's something that I'm just like not for me personally.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Exactly. I think that when someone is too nonchalant and when they don't like everything's just cool and nothing's wrong and everything's great, instead of expressing their actual feelings, I think that that is a red flag.

SPEAKER_04 30:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Because the chances are they're not telling you something about how the way that they feel, or they're not understanding the way that you feel. And like kind of communicating with someone like that is difficult because it doesn't feel like it's a space where you because they're not sharing how they actually feel, you feel like you can't too. So that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 30:33

That's a really good point. I mean, some of the red flags that I had when I was growing up and going into uh the dating scene was like sometimes I would find guys would try to to pull you away from your friend groups and try and like alienate you from everyone that that loves you in a way and just you know try and possess you in a certain way. And I I think that's a huge red flag because you know, someone that truly loves you wants to support you and share you and just be a part of your your surroundings and your energy. Um, all right, let's talk about social media. Does social media ever make you feel like you're behind? You know, or or that you that you how do you stop comparing your real life to someone else's highlight reel?

SPEAKER_02 31:25

I think you have to remember that whatever somebody posts is most likely their best moment, like their best photo, like after like, you know, a hundred photos, like it's the best one they took, like on, you know, or people post when they're like on vacation, or people post when they get a job promotion. No one posts like when they're really going through it, like or like really struggling, you know. And I think that's something we need to see more of. But I do think, you know, you have to remember like social media is fake, like there's filters, there's like edits and things, and um just remember that it's not being authentic. But like we had like an app called Be Real that um was a thing, and that was kind of trying to make people be authentic, and you would take a photo of yourself like right like now, like um they would like send different times during the day where you'd take a photo, and like that was kind of a good way to be authentic.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

I like that. How about you guys? I also think like it's important to remember, like, whenever I'm posting an Instagram post or posting something on Instagram, I know that it's the best picture out of 100 that I've taken that day. Like it's the best one. So, like thinking about it that way, like when you see something and it's like, oh, they look great, like I know that that was their best picture, like proud, happy for them. Like, you know what I mean? Like, and trying not to be so comparative, I feel like is important. I also think that social media has been just so I feel like it is a platform for comparison, but it also is a platform to connect and share with people. But I think that sometimes that connecting and sharing can become unhealthy. Um, like I know some friends who have met people online and like it's like weird and like things like that, like connecting that way is like just seems a little bit forced, and I don't know. You never really know who someone is until you're face to face with them.

SPEAKER_03 33:21

So that's true, that's really true. How about you, Hannah? How's your experience?

SPEAKER_01 33:24

I mean, same thing with like what both of you guys have said. I've also fallen victim to trying to post the like most aesthetically pleasing pictures of me and show everyone that I am doing these things, and I have to remind myself when I also fall victim to comparing myself to like what other people are posting, is that they are also having like these bad moments that I am having. They are also struggling at times, they are also stressed out, overwhelmed, and everything. It's just we are at different times. And I also agree with what Amanda said. It's social media is all about balance. You can't, it's it can be great in some points, but you can't take it too like close and hold on to it too much, or else you're gonna fall into the trap of consuming and comparing yourself way too much more than what you should be doing.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

Yeah, I mean, even as at my age and I go on social media, I, you know, like all these people's things that are so wonderful. Um, but the things that um, you know, that I don't relate to or that I I just I don't feel myself getting jealous of it, but I I tend to put blinders on and I tend to just focus on the things that make me feel good. So the little dogs that, you know, jump all over the place or pick their owners and and just things that um make me smile is what I try and and focus on social media. But the other thing is sometimes I I like to look at like people's like sunsets or the inspirational quotes they put on. And it started starts to, you know, I start my morning always looking at those and it makes me the what I'm what thoughts go on in my head from reading that stuff is how my day ends up starting. So I guess for you guys, you know, since you're so um, you know, connected with social media and things like that, how do you realize or how how do you make sure that your self-love doesn't come off as being selfish? You know what I'm trying to say? Like um, when do you, you know, when do you make sure that you're taking care of yourself and not feel like you're being selfish taking care of yourself or or doing the things that make you feel good, like, you know, watching the dog videos instead of doing the dishes. I mean, it's it's not really selfish to do that, you know. You're giving yourself a little love.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

I think it's common to get really caught up in doing everything for everyone else. And I think that, at least for me, I find that I tend to do that. And then I sit back and I'm like, did I do anything for me today? And I find the answer's no. So I'm kind of trying to start to incorporate each day doing one thing just for me, not for anyone else, but for me, because it's extremely important to have self-care, not only for your mental health, but just for to improve yourself in general and to learn more about yourself.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

I love that. I really do. Um, how about you guys? Any thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_00 36:21

I think that one thing that kind of helps curb the selfish feeling when you're taking care of yourself, which is not selfish, but sometimes it can feel that way to you. I think that, like, for example, if like I told my friend that I was gonna go out with her one night when we were at school, it's like Friday night, and I decide that I don't want to go, I think that communication is important. Like, if I want to take the night to myself, take a bath, face mask, shower, wash my or paint my nails, whatever it is, I can just communicate that with her and be like, hey, I'm sorry, I can't tonight, like not feeling it, gonna take care of myself today. And they can choose to take it whatever way. But I think that also on social media lately, there's been this kind of attitude and saying that like you don't owe anyone anything. And to a certain extent, I think that that's true. I think that if I wanted to go somewhere without telling anyone I have every right to do that, but if you want to build connections with people and maintain them and not feel this selfish feeling, I think communication is very important.

SPEAKER_03 37:25

I like that point. I like that point a lot.

SPEAKER_01 37:27

Yeah, I like the idea of communication when like I try and focus on myself. I try and turn off my brain of like trying to like those inside voices being like, oh, like what would people think like about you if you're doing this? Like if I am taking care of myself, if I'm not doing what other people are doing because I need to take care of myself, I try and like turn off those voices in my head and just like let myself be. Maybe I do like put my phone away so I don't constantly see what other people are doing, like do not disturb becomes my best friend during those types of days, just so I can like be with myself so that I can take care of myself.

SPEAKER_03 37:59

I I I can totally relate to that. I mean, when life gets really hard, or sometimes I mean, you're just depleted because look, you guys are doing school, you're working, you you got your family responsibilities, and then you know, you got guys in your life, friends that want to so you're torn in all these different um ways. What I do to make sure that I I when life gets hard that I I take care of me is I sometimes I'll purposely forget the phone at home, and maybe I'll just go for a walk on the beach and I'll just you know try and and just come back to the things that make me happy. Do you guys have a certain thing that you like to do that makes you happy when life is hard?

SPEAKER_02 38:44

I really find my stress relief in the gym specifically. I find just if I take a little bit of time out of my day and um it's a great way to work out and to release stress and to move my body. Um, and I do find myself a lot calmer the days I'm able to work out than the days I'm not.

SPEAKER_03 39:06

So anyone else?

SPEAKER_00 39:08

Yeah, I definitely think activity and moving, even if it's just like a half an hour walk on the treadmill and that's all I do today. Like I think that that's super important and exercise to any capacity, I feel like.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

Yeah, totally. I know up at school I'm like I'm a dancer, I've been a dancer for years, and so going into those dance classes is just amazing, even with like all the other girls too, because we're all together, and again, that also gets me just like off my phone and I can just be present in the moment focusing on something else.

SPEAKER_03 39:35

Exactly. Something just that that you love to do. Um has there been um some boundaries that have changed in your life that you or or maybe something about yourself that you're still working on? Um and and maybe more to it is if you could describe the woman that you're becoming um maybe in one sentence, you know, if you can talk about, you know, what's changed. So for me, what's changed in my life is um a boundary. I've stopped feeling guilty for things. If if I have my best intentions for people and I and I I'm putting my best foot forward um and it doesn't always work out, it's I I don't feel guilty, you know. I'm not apologizing for for things that, you know, I it's it's not something I'm making a mistake about. Um or maybe I am making a mistake, but I'm still learning. I'm not perfect and recognizing that and and and I'm still working on accepting myself and my flaws because you know, we all want to be perfect. But I think um the woman I'm becoming in one sentence is I'm becoming lighter. I'm letting go, I'm surrendering a lot of things that used to weigh me down. Does anyone else wanna?

SPEAKER_02 40:49

I think I'm working on becoming more confident. I think that I tend to doubt myself and my abilities a lot more than I should. And I think that I do have the skills, and I need to kind of remind myself that, you know, give myself grace. I am learning, but like I can do it. Like I have worked really hard to be where I am, and I deserve to be there. And so I think I'm just trying to work on becoming someone who is just confident and more sure of myself.

SPEAKER_03 41:21

I think that's great.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

Yeah, I feel like um I'm trying to focus on like focusing on myself more and not worrying about what others think of me. I feel like in high school I was I feel like more of just like a push over like like doing things for other people and like making sure like I'm like other everybody else is okay before I am. Obviously, I still care about like everybody in my life and I want to make sure they're okay, but also prioritizing me in that self.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

Yeah, you don't want to always be a people pleaser, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

Like I need to focus on who I am before I'll and not before, but also looking after like other people in my life.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 41:57

I feel like I'm becoming more responsible.

SPEAKER_04 42:01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

I think that through high school I didn't have that much to worry about. And I feel like from the time that I graduated to now almost four years, I guess like three years, so much in my life has changed and has forced me to step into roles or step into shoes that I now have to fill that I don't know how to. And it's forced me to become more responsible for myself. And I don't look at that as like a burden, it's more of like a okay, like let's get it together. And I feel like at this point now, I definitely feel like I've got it together more than even just a year ago. So I feel like as time goes on, I feel like I'm getting more responsible and more graceful.

SPEAKER_03 42:44

I love that. All right, so we're gonna do some quick answers here. I call it the lightning round. And I guess just to finish the sentence. My twenties have taught me one word answer. Tough I would say responsibility.

SPEAKER_02 43:05

Yeah. Good.

SPEAKER_00 43:07

Patience.

SPEAKER_03 43:08

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 43:08

Or I'll change mine. Resilience. All right, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_03 43:13

I like it. Um I wish I worried less about myself. Boys. Future, my future. Okay. The best advice I've ever received.

SPEAKER_01 43:31

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. I like that. My dad says that to me all the time. My dad says that to me all the time because I worry a lot about the future, so it's true, because the future is not guaranteed, you know?

SPEAKER_03 43:43

Um how about dating has taught me?

SPEAKER_00 43:49

Boundaries.

SPEAKER_03 43:50

Yeah, yeah, good. Friendships have taught me.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

Patience. Compromise. Oh, I like compromise. Yeah, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_03 44:04

Yeah, patience and compromise. It's good. How about something I'm still figuring out? How to put me first. Yeah. Right now I'm most proud of.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

I guess my job. Good. Anyone else? Yeah. How far I've come? Yeah. Like since high school. Like seeing where I am right now. I'm proud of myself for that.

SPEAKER_03 44:32

I think so. I think, yeah. We lose sight of how far we've come, especially when we're in the middle of a storm or going through something really tough. You know, it's all encompassing it. We're focusing on, you know, everything that's going on around us, and we don't realize to stop and take a breath and kind of you said take a pause and recognize how far we've come and and rec and be proud of ourselves. And like you've said, give ourselves grace because we're never given a manual on how to do everything. And and we weren't born, you know, knowing everything. So I think um I'm proud of all of you for being here today. And um how about what's one thing you want every young woman out there, let's say in high school right now, to know with something that you wish someone told you when you were 16 and knew everything.

SPEAKER_02 45:30

Anyone? I guess that it's okay to not feel like you have everything figured out and it's okay to not be okay.

SPEAKER_03 45:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:41

And I know it sounds kind of cliche, but like you will find your way.

SPEAKER_03 45:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

I'm gonna say it's okay to be a mess and kind of feel messy and as long as you're learning from something from it. I think anytime I found myself feeling like, oh my god, I'm a mess. Like I've always I've always come out feeling like I learned something about myself from that. So it's true.

SPEAKER_03 46:05

It's true. How about you, Hannah?

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Um, I would say it's okay to have bad days. You're not gonna have it's not gonna be a perfect road where it's like all smooth, paved out. There are gonna be bumps, there are gonna be turns. Take it one day as a time. So true. You'll get where you need to be.

SPEAKER_03 46:19

Yeah, and you know that when you're going into the battlefield or going uphill, and you know, that's when you learn the most about yourself and you can appreciate um the journey because if everything was smooth sailing, you wouldn't really appreciate the the good times. Um, so I hope today's conversation reminds you that there is no perfect timeline, no perfect path, and there's no deadline for becoming the person that you're meant to be. Um, as many of you know, I close every episode with one of my son Scott's poems, and his words remind us that what really matters, and um I'm grateful for these incredible women that are with me today who share their hearts. And Scott's poem is called Still the Same, and it goes, I'm in a new environment, and most days I can't stand the sight of it. Some people are egregious, some people are prestigious, but others to just suck my penis. Not in a good way, but in a bad. Everyone just needs to calm down and look around. All the things being fought about are pointless, makes my life joyless. For the countless times people use their wits and minds to make others commit suicide. To what gain? It makes me go insane that people think it's okay to inflict so much pain. I hear all the time, suck it up, sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you. And that's wrong. But I listened. I believed in the crap that was fed to me at a young age, pushing me further away from the man I was born to be, the person I should be, and even at the age of 15, I know I will never find the absolute true me. For it is buried under all the lies that I let myself believe. Because of that need for acceptance is so strong. It blinded me, hiding me from the truth that I and everyone else so desperately needs to see. Wow. So, yeah, so Scott at 15 can talk about all those feelings that we all have, and he he uses his words really, really well to talk about, you know, the the inauthenticity that surrounds our younger generation. And I just want to say thank you to Lexi, Hannah, and Amanda for joining me today. Um, and thank you to our viewers. Um, this has been another episode of the Self-Love Club, and this is stories of survivors where survival sparks the soul. I'll see you next time. Thank you.