Bonus Eps : Why They Save Their Biggest Emotions For You

We've all been there.

Your child gets through the school day, their teacher tells you they've had a lovely day... and then the moment they walk through the front door, they completely fall apart.

So what on earth is going on?

In this mini episode of Heidi at Home, I explore the science behind after-school meltdowns and why they're often a sign that your child feels safe enough to let their guard down with you.

We look at what happens to a child's nervous system throughout the school day, how hours of concentrating, following instructions, managing friendships, coping with sensory input and regulating emotions can leave them emotionally depleted by home time, and why their behaviour isn't simply about being "naughty" or "attention seeking."

I'll also explain why understanding your child's nervous system can completely change the way you respond in these moments, helping you move from reacting to the behaviour to recognising the need underneath it.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why after-school meltdowns are so common.
• The role your child's nervous system plays in their behaviour.
• Why children often save their biggest emotions for the people they feel safest with.
• Simple, practical ways to support regulation after school.
• How small changes to your after-school routine can make a big difference.

If you've ever wondered why your child seems to unravel the moment they get home, this episode will help you see those moments through a completely different lens.

Because sometimes, what looks like difficult behaviour is actually a child whose nervous system is simply asking for a chance to recover.

Transcript

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Welcome to Heidi at Home Minis. These shorter episodes are just me sharing my thoughts, advice, and reflections on some of your biggest parenting questions. Let's get into it. Why do children often save their biggest feelings for you at home? I'm sure I'm not the only one that has been told they were so great today, they did so well. No, they're not like that at all at nursery or at school. It's really, really common to hear, okay? And what you're probably seeing as the parents is your toddler or your child coming home from school or nursery and exploding, having meltdowns, breaking down, and you thinking, well, they told me they've been great or they told me that they're doing really well at school, so I don't really understand it. It can also feel at times quite personal. It can feel like, why me? You've looked forward to seeing them if you're a working parent or if you're not a working parent. At the end of the day, you go to pick them up and you're excited to see them, you want to spend time with them. But those few hours that you get at the end of the day can be some of the hardest hours with them. And it can feel really, really unfair. So why are they melting down at the end of the day and what can we do about it? Now, what we know is at home is where the nervous system is most settled. It's most familiar, it's their surroundings that they love, they've got their toys, they've got their family. So it's a safe space for them. And that's really important because actually we should really be, albeit it's very, very hard for you as parents, we should actually be celebrating. If you have a child who holds it together at school or nursery, and then they come home and they like just explode or big feelings and show you how they're feeling, that is a strong sign that your relationship is very secure and they feel safe enough to show you how they're feeling. Okay, so really, really importantly, first off, it is hard, it is triggering, but it means that you are their safe space. Now, when we think about what's happening in the daytime for them, they're in an environment where there's lots of other children. Okay, whether it's nursery or school, there's instructions, especially at school, constant instructions as to what they need to be doing. There's noise, lots of noise, there's stimulation, overwhelm, societal expectations, particularly as they get older too. So think about a scenario where something's upset them, but they don't want to cry in front of their friends, for example. That's holding in huge feelings, and that can be really, really hard for them. They're expected to regulate all day and not have these big feelings and meltdowns necessarily. And they're also expected to do, you know, the schoolwork or the tests that they have to do or whatever else that they're having to do at school too. So there's a huge amount of expectation when they're at school and/or sometimes at nursery too. And by the time they get home, that means that their capacity is completely depleted. They're tired, they've kept it in all day, and they get over the threshold of the front door, and that is when they can start to relax. Which for us as parents, it can be really challenging because that will often start to look like them being really, really clingy, especially when they're smaller. And what we mean by clinginess is wanting to be with you, which obviously is a sign of is a good sign, but for you as a parent when you've had a full-on day, it can also be quite challenging, wanting to carry around, wanting you to be with them, not leaving the room, etc. It might be that they cry a lot more, okay, they have more tears over various, they melt down over what you might consider to be very small things, or they might also be very angry and aggressive. As a parent of three children myself, I can see myself noticing all of these things in all three of my children at different stages, both at school and also at nursery too. And it's that couple of hours before bedtime that can be the most challenging time. Now, it's not to say as ever that we're not going to have boundaries around these behaviours. So we're not going to allow them, for example, to hit if that's what they're doing. We can still have a boundary, but we can also have curiosity and understanding for where that behaviour is coming from. Try not to take it personally because it isn't personal. And if anything, if you make it personal, make it mean that you have that secure foundation that they need to be able to show you how they're feeling. Okay, so if you can find it within you to see it as a compliment rather than that they're saving it up for you, that will really help. In addition to that, we need to know that it's not bad behaviour, it's not naughty behavior, they're not manipulating you or saving it up and doing it on purpose. They're simply trying to tell you something. As they get older, hopefully they can start to find the words, but especially in those early school years and definitely in the nursery years too, you're going to find that they won't have the words to be able to tell you. Okay, and therefore you will have to start looking at what's underneath, what's behind it. It's essentially a nervous system release. Okay, they've kept it in all day long, and now they're able to just let it all out in their safest space. So if we can make that reframe, I think it will be really, really powerful for you because we start to see it as not difficult or naughty, but actually safe and something that is actually a really good thing, even though it's challenging as parents. So let's think about what we can do when they come home from school or nursery. One of the things that they've been dealing with all day will be demands. Okay, sit down, do this piece of work, use this pencil, don't use this piece of paper. Stand up, stand in a row, stand in a line, sit down here, eat your lunch, stop lunch now. The list of demands for small children, especially at school, is huge. And therefore, when they get home, that's the last thing they want. And the smallest demand you put on them, like for example, can you hang your bag up, please, or can you go and put your lunchbox by the sink, is sometimes enough to tip them over the edge. So, whilst it's absolutely okay to have age-appropriate chores and jobs and responsibilities for small children, young children, it's also really important that they are asked of them at a time where they are able to take them in and actually action them, e.g., not when their nervous system is at complete capacity and completely depleted. So think about maybe not making demands of them in that first 30, 60 minutes when you get home, depending on the child. We also want to try and slow things down. Okay, so snacks are always great for blood sugar as well. They're often very, very hungry. And instead of trying to rush through the next thing, if you can, work commitments allowing, just slow things down. That might be time on the floor if they're very little, just rolling around and cuddling or doing puzzles, or for some children, it's even screen time too. But what does it look like for your child to have 30 minutes, 40 minutes an hour where they just get to be slow and they just get to zone out and they just get to come back to a place of regulation? And then you'll find that some children will benefit massively from movement as well. So that might be a huge run at the park after school. They might really benefit from sensory play, whether that's um play-doh or a sensory corner where they can just be safe and be happy. It's definitely worth thinking about what we call sensory calming tools, which are these sorts of toys, and you can get so many different things now that can help them feel more regulated, especially after such a busy day. Those after-school, after nursery moments are very vulnerable. They are in a vulnerable state, and our job as parents is to support them through it without making too many judgments or even making it personal. Okay. Again, you're not let's not forget to talk about your nervous system too as a parent, which is also frazzled quite often by the end of the day. So do take that into account too. But what we'll see, what you'll start to see as you approach it this way, is that behaviour will start to soften. It'll start to become easier as their nervous system feels more supported in that time. For more mini episodes and for my longer form episodes too, don't forget to like or subscribe the Hide You at Home podcast wherever you get your podcasts, whether it's Apple, Spotify, or any other players. We'll see you next time.