Bonus Eps: Why Your Child Finds The Word "NO" So Difficult

Why can one small "no" lead to such a big reaction?

If you've ever wondered why your child seems to fall apart when you say no to another biscuit, ask them to leave the park, or switch off the TV, this mini episode is for you.

In just a few minutes, I unpack what's really happening inside your child's brain and nervous system when they experience disappointment.

You'll learn:

• Why young children find the word "no" so overwhelming.
• The science behind emotional regulation and why it takes years to develop.
• Why what looks like defiance is often a child struggling with disappointment.
• How understanding your child's nervous system can completely change the way you respond.

This episode isn't about avoiding the word "no." It's about understanding what happens after we say it, and why that understanding can transform the relationship we have with our children.

Want more support?

If this episode resonated with you and you'd like personalised support, I'd love to help.

My 1:1 Parent Coaching sessions are designed to help you better understand your child's behaviour, feel more confident in your parenting, and respond with greater calm and connection in those everyday moments that can feel so challenging.

Or, if you're looking for a deeper transformation alongside other like-minded parents, my Little Humans, Big Lessons coaching programme explores child development, emotional regulation, behaviour, boundaries, and so much more.

Find out more about working with me:
https://parentingwithheidi.com/ 

If you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you followed Heidi at Home, left a review, or shared it with another parent who might need to hear it today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Heidi at Home Minis. These shorter episodes are just me sharing my thoughts, advice, and reflections on some of your biggest parenting questions. Let's get into it. Why do some children escalate when you say no? Now this can be one of the biggest challenges because we want to be able to set boundaries for our children. But when they have huge huge reactions like screaming or the behaviour completely escalates, it can be really normal to feel like, should it be this hard? Like, is it even worth it in the first place? Because as a parent, we know as adults that we need to be able to set boundaries for our children, and actually they feel very safe in them, but it's that initial kickback, that initial reaction that as a parent it can be really, really hard to manage. Now, when we look at behaviour, I like to look at it from a nervous system perspective, and when we say no, or we're asking them not to do that, or there's something else that we've set a boundary around. In that moment when that escalation appears, what we're looking at there is a nervous system who becomes a nervous system that that becomes dysregulated. So when we look at behaviour from a nervous system lens, it can be really, really interesting and it can massively help us as parents give us a clue as to what could be going on. Now, what we know about children, whether they're two, whether they're six, whether they're twelve, is that their brains are still developing and that emotional regulation is still also happening too. So a boundary, whilst it might make total sense to you as a parent, can feel really overwhelming and it can send our children into a sense of panic, or they might feel very, very disappointed, or they might even feel angry at us. So there's those are really, really big feelings that they're having to deal with, and we know that they don't have the ability fully to be able to regulate those feelings. So that's what's happening. They're hearing no, but no is creating more than just that boundary, there's much more going on in their little brains. What we also know is that that prefrontal cortex, that front part of the brain that is the thinking brain, that's responsible for planning and empathy and logical thinking, none of these sound like your child, and that's because that part of the brain doesn't develop until early 20s. So, whilst you might think it makes sense, to them they're not able to think the same way as you. And for that reason, that no or that boundary that you've set can be very triggering. We also know that neurodiverse children can also struggle with this more. Now, what their body is experiencing is a much bigger thing than we are hoping or thinking that the reaction should be. Okay, we are looking at it as from an adult's perspective, which is that this is fair, this seems okay, I'm going to set this boundary, and the child is thinking or feeling it's very unfair, I feel very angry about this. So they're not being difficult on purpose, they are overwhelmed, and their nervous system is seeing it, seeing that no as something to fight, essentially, and therefore becomes dysregulated. Now, if we've set a boundary, for example, a classic one, this happens all of the time in my house, is around eating close to meal time. Say, Mum, I'm hungry, and it might be 20 minutes from dinner, and I'll say, Okay, I hear the hear that you're hungry, we're going to be eating in 20 minutes, so we're going to hold off until then. What I'm doing there is saying, I hear you, I get it, but the boundary is still the same, which is that we're about to eat dinner or lunch, whatever it will be. The temptation is to start negotiating, or even coming down from that boundary, softening that boundary, and saying, Okay, fine, well, you can have something, but it's not a big thing, it can be a little thing, or even offering an alternative to them, depending on what the boundary was in the first place. So, our job as parents is to ideally hold that boundary firmly but fairly in a very safe way. If we start to negotiate, if we start to offer something else, if we start to climb back slightly from that boundary that we've set, then next time they're going to understand that mum, dad, whoever it is, is not consistent. And therefore, the bigger the behavior, the bigger the reaction, the possibility will be that that boundary will also change. Okay, so that will become also a learned pattern as well. So when we're setting those boundaries, what we need to know is that A, the reason why your child might be escalating so much when you say no is exactly what I've explained. It's the nervous system science. It's genuinely, it has triggered something within them that it's very genuine, it's not manipulative at all, it's very much just that's unfair. I'm very disappointed. It's a big, it's one of the big emotions. I'm very disappointed, I'm very upset, I'm very angry. Okay, so it's triggered the nervous system, which often then means that they're not able to think straight anyway. Even if they were a little bit older, let's say they were eight years old, um, and you had set a boundary around something and they had big feelings around it, you would think they would be able to understand by that age, say um the snack thing before dinner, rationalise that with you. But because they're feeling the feel, they can't even access, even if they were to be able to think about it and rationalise, they can't access that prefrontal cortex when they are feeling dysregulated. So they're not able to access that part of the brain that helps them think about it in a more rational way. So what we need to know is when we're setting boundaries, when we're saying no, and this doesn't mean saying no all of the time to everything, but it's just really when we're setting a boundary around something, a behaviour, an eating habit, sleep, etc. The goal is not to, as parents, stop the emotions from happening. We've got to let them happen. That's really important. It's a safe space for them to feel angry, frustrated, upset, disappointed, etc. What's important is to be able to support them through it while still holding the boundary that we've set. Okay, so it's not to stop the emotion, it is to support them through it and stay very clear on what our boundary is. So instead of giving in, you can try. I can hear that you're upset, as I was just saying in my example earlier, I can hear that you're frustrated, I can hear that that doesn't sit right with you. Totally understand. I get that you're really hungry right now, or I get that you really want to go to the park because your friend said they're going as well. But the answer is no, and then also you can always follow no's with, but we can go tomorrow. So you can vote, yes, we can go in the morning, or yes, we can go next week, or whatever else it is. So that's something else to think about too, is how often we use no, because the word in itself no can be very triggering, and instead, how often we can rephrase no into yeah, we can do that, but tomorrow, or yes, we can do that later, or yes, you can have a snack with your dinner, or yes, you can have a snack after dinner if you're still hungry. Because sometimes it's just the word no in itself that can be the challenge. So, in short, it's not our job as parents to remove the feelings, okay? But it is our job as parents to be able to hold boundaries when we need to. So think about that today. Take that home with you. That idea that when you say no, it's not about stopping the emotion, it's very much about holding the boundary and accepting that it's okay for them to feel. For more mini episodes and for my longer form episodes too, don't forget to like or subscribe the Hidey at Home podcast wherever you get your podcasts, whether it's Apple, Spotify, or any other players. We'll see you next time.