Lemonade vs. Oxygen

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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith dive into why so many married couples argue unnecessarily—and how to tell if a disagreement is truly worth having.

🍋 Lemonade or Oxygen?
Don shares a simple but powerful illustration: Imagine you're by the pool, hot and thirsty. You're desperate for lemonade—your brain screams "I'm going to die if I don't get some!" But are you really? No. Now imagine someone holds you underwater. If you don't get oxygen, you will die. That's the difference between a "lemonade" issue and an "oxygen" issue.

Most marital arguments, Don and Lisa argue, are about lemonade—things that feel urgent in the moment but aren't actually life-or-death. Yet couples fight over them as if their lives depend on winning.

🗣️ Why Do We Argue Unnecessarily?
According to Don and Lisa, most arguments stem from:

• Feeling misunderstood or overlooked
• Wanting to win more than wanting to be in relationship
• Speaking without thinking, letting emotions take over
• Busyness that crowds out quality time and intimate conversation

💥 The Danger of Belittling
When couples can't win an argument, they often resort to belittling—name-calling, insults, and words that leave lasting damage. Don calls disdain and resentment "the most dangerous place married people can wind up," because those wounds are much harder to heal than other marital struggles.

💡 Practical Challenge

"When you get angry, take a minute. Choose your words carefully without malice. If you're going to say something with retribution or intentional hurt—don't say it."

Don and Lisa encourage couples to pause before speaking, ask themselves, "Is this lemonade or oxygen?" and if it's not truly oxygen, find a different way to express the need. And if your spouse needs a minute, give them one—don't press the issue.

📖 Biblical Wisdom
The episode grounds this in Scripture, including Ephesians 4:29 (let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth) and the reminder that there is life and death in the power of the tongue.

🎧 Tune in
Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and join Pastor Don and Lisa for this week's Wedded Wednesday—a weekly coffee date for your marriage.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

What if marriage advice didn't have to feel like a lecture or a counseling session? Well, welcome to a weekly coffee date for your marriage that we're calling Wedded Wednesday. I'm Pastor Don Smith along with my wife Lisa, and we are right there in the trenches with you. And this podcast takes the pressure off perfect and puts the focus on purposeful. Our desire is to give you Bible-based tools to work on your marriage, not just in it. Each week we get real, we keep it lighthearted because marriage is hard enough without being stuffy. We want to leave you with one practical challenge to actually use before the next podcast. Whether you're in a great season or barely holding on, I want you to pull up a chair, get a cup of coffee, and let's be intentional together. Hey, I got a scripture for us today. Wednesday. Welcome everybody. See, we got quite a few people logged on. Thanks for being here. Uh, if you've been waiting for us on Facebook Live, we had a prior thing uh that scheduled that made us a little bit late today. If you're just listening on the audio on the podcast, it didn't affect you at all, does it? So anyway, we're glad that you're here. I got a scripture for us today. You ready? Okay. It's in Ephesians chapter 4. Now, again, if you if you're new to Wedded Wednesday, we're just talking about practical things inside of marriage. Uh and we give it a biblical perspective, same as I do on the Talk About It podcast. Only uh I don't always talk about marriage there. Here on Wedded Wednesday, we only talk about marital things. So um, yeah, in Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fit the occasion, as fit the occasion. So that means not everything that you're thinking you should say right away, because not everything fits the occasion. Okay, let's go on. Uh that it may give grace, give grace, give grace. Not everything that you are saying could give grace. If it doesn't, maybe you shouldn't say it to those who hear. That's a pretty good scripture, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Why you keep looking at me like that?

SPEAKER_01 2:22

My wife's the prophetic one. She is the one that is, you know, just black and white. It's truth or it's not truth, and uh, it's those kind of things. And I'm kind of the pastoral one. Um whatever. Anyway, so I've got a couple questions for you today, Lisa. Do you think that married people argue unnecessarily? Yes. Why? Why why do married people argue unnecessarily?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

I think sometimes our emotions get in the way. Or we feel misunderstood.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Oh, there's a great conversation.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Uh or overlooked sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

So uh, you know, the the there's a truth behind being misunderstood. Uh, you know, sometimes we want to argue about, well, no, you're uh you don't misunder, you know, I I don't misunderstand, or that kind of thing. Uh typically if people feel misunderstood, it's because they are.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Now maybe they didn't explain themselves well enough and people aren't able to understand because they didn't do that.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Or so then whose fault is it? The person I mean, I don't want to say fault.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

It either or or, you know, typically people.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Because sometimes we have to take time to listen.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

People aren't listening, and so you're not understanding. So it could be either or, but typically if someone feels misunderstood, they probably are. Now, whose fault that is is probably a whole different podcast. But I'm just saying, I don't want to say anyone's at fault, I guess. That's what happens though. Couples tend to argue sometimes because um they're either not listening and understanding or they're not expressing with clarity. Ooh. Somebody should be writing this down.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

That's okay. You can go back and listen to your own words.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

See, here we go. We got it on the podcast now, those type of things. So you believe, Lisa, that how would you say, I would say the majority of arguments in a marriage are unnecessary.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Majority of them, yes. I would I would say that. I don't think we have to argue, especially if we can communicate well.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

I would say also the majority of arguments in marriage are over things that aren't very critical. Majority.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

No. Most of the time the arguments are over small things.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

Little bitty things.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

And again, I think it's because people feel misunderstood or not heard and feel overlooked.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

What happens when couples start arguing is they want to win more than they want to be in relationship. Well, of course you want to win. Oh boy. Now I'm the competitive one. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Hold up, hold up. I don't know where you get that from. You say I'm competitive and that's why you don't like playing board dancing.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

No, you just beat me all the time. It's not that you're competitive. You're just can't help that I'm good. But what I'm saying is what happens in an argument is we tend to be on our own side. And then the argument becomes about who's going to win versus the relationship growing out of the conflict.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Maybe not intentionally.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Oh, I I I would agree with you 100%.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Okay, I'm not going into an argument saying I'm gonna beat him and I'm gonna Correct. But I obviously have a stance on something. You know what I mean? That I want to relate or relay to you. And I think people's reactions begin to get very emotional.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Instead of actually just sitting and going, wait, this is what I mean by this.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

And yeah, most of the time, I don't know if people have noticed, but I repeat everything you ask me on this.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

You actually do, yep.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

But that was in one of our marriage counselings that we do with people is always repeat the question back to make sure you understood it. Yeah. Because if you don't understand the question, you're answering it wrong.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Yeah, because so like Lisa can be standing in the closet and look in front of all the clothes, and she can say what? Well, I have nothing to wear. And and I can say, What do you mean you don't have anything to wear? And you're you could she could say, That's not what I said. And I can say those are the exact same words you said, but sometimes we say words uh but we don't know how to express. Correct, because we're we're trying to express a meaning and we don't we don't understand, we're not getting our meaning apart uh uh across because we don't know how to express it in words. So for instance, I love my dog, I love pizza, and I love my wife. Obviously, those are three completely different things.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

I hope so.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yeah. Um, so I I think that what happens is uh people uh married people tend to argue unnecessarily. Can I use an illustration that I used one time in a premarital counseling?

SPEAKER_00 7:25

About us?

SPEAKER_01 7:26

No. Uh-huh. It's a story about lemonade and oxygen.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

You like that story, don't you?

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Yeah, I think your guys really like that.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Yeah, let's say I'm by the pool uh in Mexico. We just got back from Mexico a couple weeks ago, and I'm super, super hot and I'm really, really thirsty, and the lemonade stand is over there, and I'm and I keep thinking to myself, hey, I, you know, I'm really thirsty. I've got to go get some lemonade. I gotta go get some lemonade. I gotta go get some lemonade. I'm gonna die if I don't get some lemonade, right? I'm so thirsty. But then by the time I get over to the lemonade stand, the lemonade stand is closing up, and they're like, sorry, we're closed, we don't have any lemonade. And I'm like, what do you mean you don't have any lemonade? I'm going to die if I don't get some lemonade. I'm so so thirsty, right? Is it true that I'm gonna die if I don't get any lemonade? No. Okay. Now let's say I get in the pool. Okay, let's use this. Let's say I get in the pool and then someone jump jumps in on top of me and holds me under the water, and I can't get up out of the water. I'm going to die if I can't get above the water and get some oxygen. Now, am I going to die if I don't get oxygen? Yes. All right, so let's take that same scenario into arguments inside of marriage. And let's say this to people. When you're having an argument with your spouse to understand whether it's really necessary or unnecessary, we could say what? Is this lemonade or is this oxygen?

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

That's a pretty good illustration, isn't it? You like it.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Like I said, I know your guys like it because they'll come in and they'll go, it's not lemonade.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

So here's the deal, right? Like, uh, and I think that's what we're gonna title this podcast when we post the podcast on there. Is it today on live I I titled it Speak Life, but I think on the podcast I'm gonna title it Lemonade versus Oxygen. You like that? You guys like that? Here we go. I like it a lot, right? So literally, I have to ask myself sometimes when we are having an argument. Let's just say, Wow, am I is this lemonade to me or is this oxygen? Is this really that important? You know what I'm saying? Because what we want to help couples do is learn to discuss their differences without belittling each other, right? Because the truth of the matter is that's where marital arguments usually end up. They end up less in resolution, which is where we want to get, and they end up in belittling.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

Why do you think it ends up belittling?

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Because we want to win more than we want to be in a relationship. And so we can't win the argument. So now we have to win. Belittle otherwise. Yeah, we have to insult it, right? You call my mom a name, I'll call your mom a name, right? We gotta insult one. And so what happens to the relationship when couples get in this mode of belittling each other? You know, disdain, contentment, that kind of stuff enters into marital relationship. And I think that's the most dangerous place that married people can wind up. I think there's a lot of things in marriage that can be forgiven and worked through. But one of the most difficult things to work through or overcome is when disdain toward each other and resentment has entered in. Right? I mean, would you agree that it's difficult to watch people argue? Married people? How many times in our office have we been in conflict, marriage counseling? That's very uncomfortable. It's super, super uncomfortable. Why?

SPEAKER_00 10:58

I mean, I well, that's an intimate thing to begin with.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

And to do it in front of other people, I think you've lost respect for the other person. And that's hard to see. It's that's although you and I had quote unquote friends that laughed any time you and I argued because they felt united when they were struggling in their marriage, so they would purposefully try to get us to argue.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Nasty words and hurt.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Yeah, we we've been in a couple of them that some really nasty words were spoken, and I was just kind of shocked that those things were said in front of other people.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

And you have to think that uh in in our office, people don't know their best behavior. Imagine how m more intent or personal it gets behind closed doors.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

And I think that's the most scary part about it.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Let me tell you where accusation and bickering inside of marriage always lead. Unhappiness and depression. In married people who should be some of the most happiest people in the world, right? We have someone to love, we have someone to love us for the rest of our life, can be some of the most unhappy and depressed people in the world.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yeah. And why do you think that is? Because they're misunderstood?

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Yeah, it could be. Um and I actually feel sorry, and like you said, even uncomfortable uh around people who typically dishonor each other and disrespect and devalue each other inside of arguments, right? Like the the scripture I think is encouraging us to speak life, okay, yeah, and not to speak death. But husbands and wives, because of familiarity and our conversations, we can typically move into the latter.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

I think we're quick to speak without thinking. What we're about to say.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

So you what you're saying is that word uh conversations can quickly escalate into verbal wars.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

Yeah, because we are not actually thinking before we speak because of the emotional intensess or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

And we say things that later we regret.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

Have you ever said something to me that later you regret? Oh, really? Would you like to elaborate?

SPEAKER_00 13:22

I don't remember exactly. But yes, I do remember saying things just, and then as soon as they come out, you go, why'd you say that? But then you know, you don't feel like you can back down after that. But no, I did apologize.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

I do remember one time in particular, um uh, you know, I said something to you, and I was like, instantly, I was like, you know what? I I just need to ask your forgiveness. I was just angry and uh immature, and I did what I said I know hurt you, and I just want forgiveness. Um even to say I'm sorry is not even good enough.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

I think that um as we grew in our marriage, we became aware and was able to do that. Even though it didn't like stop the words from coming out, we were quickly able to uh apologize to each other about things. I think early on in our marriage, I don't think we were anywhere near that, and I probably said more hurtful words to you than you did me early on in the marriage because of some stuff I was struggling with. You know what I mean? But I think the longer we got married, or the longer we got married, the longer we were together and the more aware we became of how damaging our words could be to one another, I think we tried to be more aware. Sure. Not that we're perfect at it, because I think things still happen where we kind of blow up and then but we're quick to look at each other and go, whoa, where'd that come from? And why did that happen? I like it. And then we can discuss why did we go there? Why, why did that happen? I remember one time that happened when you and I, like everything was work, work, work, work, uh, projects, all these type of things, but they weren't home projects.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

They weren't other people's agendas, other people's projects.

SPEAKER_00 15:25

And it had been like over a month since you and I had a date day where we spent time just the two of us with no phones.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Like literally, there was it was over 30 days without a day off.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

And it was like we blew up at each other.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

I remember that day very well.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

And we both just looked at each other and said, Oh, what happened? And he said, put that down. Yeah, we can't. We're going out to lunch right now, and you and I are gonna spend time together. Because we were both aware that we had not taken time for one another.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

It truly shocked us to the point that we said, you know what, um we we need uh we need to cancel the rest of the day. Uh we're just so aware that we needed to cancel the rest of the day. Um that we we just did that. And we were like, no, no, we know what's going on.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Well, when I say a date day, it's not just going out to eat or going to a movie or anything. It's the actual spending quality time together that starts conversations because for well over a month we didn't have any personal or intimate conversation with one another. Every conversation was about something else that was going on or someone else's stuff going on, and there was nothing ever between you and me. Yeah. And about our lives and about us as a couple, everything was outward, yeah, which caused I think a lot of uh well, lack of communication because of the busyness and then a lack of care for one another. It was it was one of those days when you were what your needs might be or what my needs were.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

We can't have a conversation right now that's healthy or godly because we just had not spent any time together. And it was it was just and I don't even remember what the argument was about that day. Now I do remember. It was dumb.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

I was washing dishes.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Yeah, I do remember that. Both of us just stopped for a minute and said, This is ridiculous. You know? Uh and uh that was an incredible thing. Let's put some biblical wisdom to this, right? Because that's what we want to do uh with with Wedded Wednesday. I almost said talk about it. You should check out the Talk About It podcast. But let's take some biblical wisdom with this then. The wisdom of God, I think, reminds us to be careful what we say.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

That's what Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29, and and to try and think first uh before you speak, and that way you can be slow to anger. Right. And I think there's been times when both of us realize, hey, you know what? I just need a minute to work on me, and I'm gonna be back in a few minutes uh to talk about this. Um, and and then we can try and speak in love and not hate.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Uh or disdain.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

And if your partner needs a minute, give them a minute. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Don't press the issue.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Both of us have been on both sides of it where it's like, let's take care of it now. Now, now, now, now. And it's just like, no, I need a minute now.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

I love this because I think it's a great conversation. You say, Pastor Don or Lisa, how how then do I communicate what's going on in this moment? The the one thing that I want you to do then is if you take that minute to choose your words carefully without malice. That's the key. Okay. If I'm gonna say something that's got some malice involved in it, right? Some retribution or some intentional hurt. Don't say it. The Bible says don't let that corrupting talk come out of your mouth. Because it it does not speak life. Okay, it only speaks revenge.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

Okay. And it causes pain. And and it causes pain. So vulg vulgarity, name-calling, disagreements, disagreeable jabs, they're they're ungodly and they're always gonna damage your marital relationship. Somebody say amen or owe me, and just own it and ask forgiveness for it and go, I'm never gonna do that again.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Well, I watched a thing the other day where uh this like a counselor or somebody told him and said, Every time you get angry, go go nail, uh, nail a nail into your fence post. And so this person was working through anger issues and everything like that. And a lot of times when we're angry, it comes out and works.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

So when he did that, he said, Okay, great, I'm not doing that anymore, I'm better. And then they said, Go and take those nails out now. Well, what's the purpose of all of this? As the guy says, you know, and then he said, Now look at the fence post.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

All the holes are still there. The damage was done through your anger.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

And so with our words, we cause damage that sometimes will take a very long time to heal or may never heal. You know, because that's why I think some people say some things that were spoken to people as children still stick with them today.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Words speak identity.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

They really do. Uh, and that's why the Bible says that there's life and death in the power of the tongue. Uh you know, with with our tongue we can bless each other, with our tongue we can set the world on fire. Uh a ship is guided with a little bitty rudder and and the tongue does the same thing. Uh, I think what what I want us to do today with with Wedded Wednesday here is uh remind yourself uh that noxious words in your marriage only have one result. Damage to the relationship. Uh they're they're they never build the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

No.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

So if they never build the relationship, find a different way to express what's happening in your life and convey that to your spouse, your need uh instead of just your emotional anger at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

And on the on the flip side, when your spouse is telling you what they need and they're trying to communicate with you, take the time to listen.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Try and understand.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

And try to understand.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Because so many times one tries to express, and the other one's too busy thinking about everything else that they're not listening. And so you have to take time to slow down.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Listen, no matter what's going on in your marriage, where you're at, the situation, the conflict, or the circumstance, um noxious words only tear down, but love always builds up, even when you need to work through and truth. I'm not saying we avoid truth, I'm not saying we have to accept bad behavior. I'm just saying there are ways to do it in such a way that you can build each other up, your relationship can grow through it, and you can have security, and that brings encouragement. And so what that's what we want you to do today. We want you to speak life, okay, and we want you to remember the illustration. Is it lemonade or is it oxygen? Oh, that's so good, right? That's so good. So there you are. Uh, that is our Wedded Wednesday today, and we love you guys. We thank you for uh tuning in each and every week. Listen, if you just listen on Facebook Live, we want you to subscribe to the podcast. Go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever it's at. It's called Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Donna Lisa. There's a lot of Wedded Wednesday podcasts, okay? So you'll have to look for hours. When you go there, if you'll just subscribe, then you'll get it automatically every week. Also, give us a review. Wherever you're listening, just click there and review the podcast. That would be really cool because it helps the algorithm. And if what we're saying blesses you, imagine it could bless everybody else.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

That was good, huh? Sure. Let's pray for you. All right, pray with us. Lord, we need help when we are upset with each other. So we're asking you to remind us how to show love, how to slow down and speak and treat each other with grace. And we just want to thank you for the love you've given us even when we don't deserve it. And help us to express that same love back to our spouse, even when they don't deserve it.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Father God, I just thank you for who you are. And I thank you for every couple here, Father God. And I just pray right now, Lord, that you instill in them the words to speak life to their spouse and to bring unity to their homes. And Father God, that it will just continue to overflow from them to everyone around them. And may your glory just shine to all those around them in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

In Jesus' name. Amen. Hey, we love you guys. Thanks for uh being a part of this each and every week. Go down in your show notes right there. Uh, you know, subscribe, uh, read the reviews, give a review. Um, hey, you know what? Leave us a comment. That'd be great. Yeah. Right? Or even think about supporting it right there in the show notes, support the show. You can do it on a monthly basis, or for a one-time basis, you can buy us a sweet tea and a little Debbie snack cake. It's right there. There's a link right there. Uh, I like little Debbie's. He sure does. Yeah, I can't. And he likes sweet tea. Y'all buy me a sweet tea and a little Debbie snack cake. Really appreciate you guys. Either way, we're gonna be back here next week. So, Facebook Live people, we love you. Podcast people, we love you, and we will see you next week. Here's a little book for you. Folk, see you next week.