Episode 75: Purpose Over Perfection

We are all hard on ourselves. Whether we label ourselves perfectionists or not, most of us have a mental checklist of standards we think we should live up to in all areas of our lives–as a woman of God, as a friend, as a wife or mom, or as a working professional. But what do we do when we don’t hit that standard? Do we bury ourselves in shame, or do we go to the Lord? This week on the pod, Lisa shares about her own struggle with perfectionism and how God has worked in her heart to not only help her accept her imperfections, but to see them as a gift. If you feel like you are falling short in any area of your life, this is the episode for you!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Hello! And welcome to the Hermer Salad Ground Plumpkin. I'm Lisa Bonema, your host, and I can't wait to dig into guest truth with you today. Let's get grounded.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Well, hello, listeners. I am so excited to be with you today. And I have to admit that today's episode is a little bit of a peek into my own journey with the Lord. It's actually a topic that we have tried to record on in the past, I believe in season one, and ended up kind of tabling until I could process it a little bit more with the Lord. And it's it's definitely one of those topics that I think is a little bit niche, but I think more of us struggle with this idea than we realize, even if we don't label it the way that I label it. But before I get into all that, I wanted to start with a story to kind of illustrate to you a little bit about me. And I think a lot of you will find yourself in this story too. So in my bathroom, one of my biggest pet peeves that I have to live with on the daily is this tile that I chose. Now, we built our house several years ago. So before Brooklyn was even born. So that would have been a good 16 years ago. And it was new construction. So we got to pick out all the finishes. And I remember when I got to our bathroom, I was a little bit exhausted from it all and was feeling a little spicy. And the day that we went and chose the tile, I saw this tile that I just thought was so fun. And I am usually more of a safe person. So things I choose are really um traditional and maybe I want them to have some staying power. I'm not one to like redecorate often. Like if I pick something out, I want it to last for as long as possible. And so I don't necessarily go with, I try to keep it modern, but not too trendy. And this tile was definitely a little outside of our comfort zone. It was basically this the main tile was just this like porcelain mimicking of like a travertine. So it was pretty simple. It's just like a tile, a tan tile. But then it had this accent tile like running through it like a strip of these like individual little um glass tiles that were different shades of like purple and gold, and they were like shimmery, like almost a little bit um, I don't know, like they they reflected the light and like they had almost like a mirror aspect to them. And I was like, you know what, Jeff? I just want to like go for it. And he's like, sure. I mean, he's always super supportive about that stuff. He doesn't, he lets me kind of do what I need to do. And so we chose this tile. In fact, when it was time to like put it up and it arrived, our contractor called me and said, Hey, I was we got our our shipment from the tile guy today, and I think they got it wrong in your bathroom. Would you want to come over and just double check this tile? And uh sure enough, I got here. I'm like, nope, that's the one. And he was like, Oh, okay. And so needless to say, I was super excited about this tile. But once it went up, I went actually went back the next day after that that, you know, uh confirmation with the the general contractor because I was so excited to see it. And I was like devastated because this tile does not like look the way it was supposed to look. It was basically this each individual glass tile would look like it was like placed individually, and so it wasn't like a straight line of grout. There was a lot of jagged edges, some of the the tile was like missing. Um, so there's like like not a perfect square. There was like chunks taken out, and like so there was more grout in some areas and others, like they weren't like these nicely, neatly um lined up little squares. And I remember being like, this is not correct, like this is not how they're supposed to look. And my contractor was like, No, I'm pretty sure that that is just they that that is how it's supposed to look. These are natural materials, these are natural glass tiles, and so they aren't going to be perfect like a manufactured tile would be. And I was like, okay, and I'm like, well, can you call the the the company just to make sure? And he called them and they said the same thing. And I was like, okay. And yet I know for a fact that that is not true. Because when I went and chose that tile on the showroom floor, I know they were perfectly lined up. I know they were. And I know that because I would not have chosen them otherwise. Because this is just how I am. I am a perfectionist and I am a detail-oriented person. And it is something that I can, it's really hard for me to deal with something that isn't what I would deem perfect or correct. And so, but I chose to live with it and I kind of backed down. And so now every time I take a shower, I have to stare at these tiles and tell myself that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And yet it still does. It still bothers me to this day. And honestly, this is a big part of my issue that I want to talk about today because this idea of perfectionism, this wanting everything to line up perfectly and to look a certain way, it has spilled into every part of my life, not just in my home decor, but in all the things of my life, in my my marriage, in my parenting, in my job, even in my walk with the Lord. No matter how hard I try to fight it, perfection is what I'm constantly seeking. And, you know, I've I've tried to change it. I've tried to pray it away. I've tried to embrace the imperfection and the mess around me. And sometimes I am successful, but most of the time it doesn't take long for that nagging voice in my head to start reminding me that things aren't exactly the way they're supposed to be, and it finds its way into my heart. And then that's when kind of the shame comes into play for me if I don't quite meet the standard, or the other things in my life don't quite meet the standard of perfection that I have outlined. And so this is just something that's within me. It just longs for perfection in all areas of my life. I want to get it right, whatever that it is, and I want to do it exactly right. And so it's this idea of I'm a rule follower, I really seek righteousness, I just want to live up to the standard and achievements that I have set for myself. And, you know, this little part of me has served me well in some areas of my life. You know, this being a detail-oriented person served me well in my work. I, you know, for many, many years I was an editor. And so obviously being detail-oriented helps a lot when you're you're proofreading and you're writing um and editing other people's work. Um, you know, commas are in in punctuation and grammar were totally my jam. But honestly, most of the time, this little quirk of mine um did so much more damage than good. I mean, it it led to a whole lot of stress and a whole list of ridiculous expectations that I've put on myself. And it's stolen a lot of my joy and it has helped me back, and it has caused me a lot of shame and guilt. Because for me, if it's not perfect, I'm kind of like that all or nothing girl. If it's not going to be perfect, or I can't give it 100%, then I just don't do it at all. Or when I do give it my all and it doesn't hit the mark, then it's really hard for me to accept. And even if you don't call yourself a perfectionist, like even if that's not how you would label yourself, I do think that a lot of us can relate to this. I mean, we live in a culture that really has set a high bar, especially for women. You know, we've talked about this before in previous episodes, you know, that there's just a superwoman mentality that the world has sold us and that we often buy into, right? Like she's like this mix of this Proverbs 31 woman from the Bible and like the most gorgeous influencer on Instagram. Like that is who this person is, right? Like she keeps her house clean and she decorates in neutral tone. She's patient. She like never yells at her husband or her kids. She organizes crafts and play dates and fun outings with friends and friend family, friends of the family. She, you know, cooks nutritious meals. I'm sure she probably bakes her own sourdough. And this time of year, she probably makes her own elderberry syrup. She always looks put together, dresses her kids in trendy clothes, signs her kids up for all of the activities, but still manages quality time at home. And honestly, she probably even homeschools. Right? So there's this woman in our own brains that we have created that is like the perfect woman, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, maybe even the perfect employee. We do have that standard in our heads. And although you may not feel pressured to spend hours of your life eating the sourdough starter, I'm sure there are other things in your life that you feel like you should be doing and that maybe you feel some level of shame that you are not meeting that standard. And, you know, last week we had a lot to say about what it looks like to organize our lives and get our lives together because, you know, that's what we all want, right? We want to, you know, start fresh in the new year and we want to put in some new disciplines and strategies, and that is all good and well, which is why I wanted to have that episode. But I wanted to follow it up with this episode because I wanted this episode to be more of a gentle reminder of God's grace in it all. Because sometimes we can get just so bent on trying to start fresh and start new, and we have all these expectations that when we fall short, we end up spiraling. And of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a better wife or a better mom or a better friend or a better leader or a better Christian, whatever, better whatever, fill in the blank. We have to balance that with and come to terms with what where is the Lord in our imperfection, right? Like that sometimes we're not gonna get it right, sometimes things aren't gonna turn out the way we want them to. And so the goal has to be where is the Lord in that? Because if we get so focused on living up to our version of perfect, we will most likely miss out on our God-given purpose and the joy that we can find in this messy life, right? This side of heaven is messy, and so it's figuring out how do we come to terms with that. And this has been my journey for for the last several years specifically. And I've asked myself, why do I aim for perfect? Like, why is that something that a lot of us are reaching for? And it's a good question. You know, sometimes I think my my perfectionism is my desire to be a good steward, right? To to make sure I'm being the best mom I can be, to give my kids the best, or to give the church the best that I can, or if I'm speaking to a group of moms to make sure that they're getting the most encouragement that they can get. But if I dig a little deeper, really a lot of times perfectionism is more about control. And honestly, pride. I think a lot of us like to try to feel like we have some sort of control. And so when things go our way or we make sure they go our way, it feels it gives us false sense of control. Or sometimes it's pride because it's us trying to prove to others that we do have a good marriage or a good family or good kids, right? Or um proving that we are a good employee or that we are a good uh leader. And so that's where we realize that, oof, that hurts. But if we dig down deep, I think that is part of it. Like a lot of times it's about the optics, right? I mean, why else would we care about our outfit? Why else would we care about our home? Is it because we're trying to create a comfortable environment for our guests, or is it because we're trying to impress someone? I mean, it's hard to really admit these things, but I think it's worthwhile to really take a closer look at our motives a lot of times. And even in some of our uh ways that we're trying to be perfect as a Christian, that can even reveal some pride. Because then that's making it seem as if we are trying to it's about what we do as opposed to what Christ has already done. And finally, I'd have to say, like, the one thing I've learned also is that a lot of times, as much as I do think that sometimes it is about the optics, and sometimes it is about me trying to earn the Lord's favor, a lot of times it's really more about me trying to make me feel good about who I am. That sometimes it's about me trying to prove to myself that I'm a good whatever, fill in the blank.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

And that is pride.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

And so it's really hard to admit these things, but that is just the truth of the matter. While I think do think that some of us are wired towards achievement and perfectionism, there are plenty of you know personality tests out there that can back that up. I think it's wise for us to take a closer look at this idea, and I could chalk it up as a quirk that serves me well in certain areas of my life and is a weakness in other areas, but I don't think it's that simple, and I think it's worth really taking a look at what it reveals about our hearts. Because after years of wrestling with God about this tendency of mine, I have found a few truths that have really helped me manage and reframe what it means to ride that line between trying to be like Jesus, embracing my shortcomings, and letting go of perfectionism. And I kind of wanted to share those with you today because I think that they're helpful for all of us. Because it is really easy to fall into this trap. And um, a lot of times when we walk into to something, a situation, and feel either disappointed or ashamed, these are the kind of truths that can help pull us out and point us back to God. So the the first truth that has really been helpful for me and I think can be helpful for you, is that we will never be perfect this side of heaven. Like I think I think this is something that we know, but I don't believe that we live like it's true. The truth is no one and nothing is perfect this side of heaven. Including our families, our homes, our kids, like nothing. Like it will never ever be perfect. So it's actually a fruitless attempt to try to be and to have them be perfect, right? And I know we all joke about being a hot mess. You know, we ha Allie and I always joked that that was like our name for our band is Red Hot Mess. But I do think that deep down we actually carry a lot of shame. That we laugh about this idea, but in the dark, I think we all are heartbroken and devastated over our failures in whatever area of life that might be affecting us that day. We see our shortcomings and come face to face with those failures when they're true, right? Like sometimes we actually do fail at something and it becomes almost too much to bear. Especially as Christian women, we feel like we're supposed to know better and do better, right? But here's a reminder we all need to remember it's that we are all flawed. That woman at church or online that seems to have the perfect life, the perfect marriage, the perfect kids, none of it's true. None of it's true, it's not. We all have something that we're dealing with, something in our lives, whether we caused it or it just happened to us. There's something in our lives that is definitely making our lives more less than perfect. It's just the illusion that we keep seeking and seeing and assume that everyone else's life is perfect and that ours is not. The truth is that we live in a world marked by sin and it touches every one of our lives. Admitting we are flawed is hard, but it's true. That's the gospel. I mean, that's the whole gospel. No matter how hard we try, we are sinful people. We we are sinful moms and sinful wives and sinful friends and sinful believers who desperately need Jesus. Romans 3, verse 23 very clearly tells us for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Whatever expectation you have or even others have of you, the truth is you will always fall short. We will always fall short. I will always fall short.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

We aren't actually enough. We aren't. I mean, that's why we have Jesus, that's why we need Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

We are sinners saved by grace. That's it. There's nothing we could ever do to earn our salvation. So while we can try and try and try, we will never be perfect. We will never experience a perfect on this side of heaven. Ever. But here's the good news. Let's actually read the fullness of the verse. I'm gonna read Romans 3:23 and 24 because there's hope in the second half of this verse. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. This is why we can let go of perfection or any shame around our imperfections. Because we are already justified by what Christ did on the cross, and we are seen through that lens by God. He sees us through the blood of Jesus Christ, redeemed and totally forgiven. Of course, that doesn't mean we can do whatever we want, right? Of course not. How we live does matter to God. Our obedience matters to God. We are called to live like Jesus. That is true. And so it's finding that balance of accepting our imperfections, but also still making sure we are being obedient and trying to live out the teachings of Jesus. And so this goes back to what we talked about during Advent, that God doesn't condemn us, right? But he will convict us when we are off track. So in those moments when we fall short, we can turn to him and he will forgive us and help us. You see, my point here today is not to say that we can just fail and be okay with it. I mean, yes, partially that's true, but if it's a sin, then yeah, then we can gotta go to God with it and ask for forgiveness and ask him to give us the strength and the wisdom and the discipline to do better. And so it's what we do with that. It's not bearing ourselves in shame and guilt, it's going before the Lord. Because the truth is, while we will never be sinless, with the help of this Holy Spirit, we can actually sin less. But that only is gonna happen if we spend time with God and allow him to do that work in our lives. Far too often we actually don't even give him access because either we're just too busy living in shame, or we're just gonna project that anger and disappointment out on other people, or we just are denying it because it's too much, it's too hard for us to deal with and bear in our hearts. So we just have to start perceiving our weakness or our imperfection as a shameful thing, but instead we can view them as invitations to lean on God and to receive his grace. And so it's just this reframing of this honest acknowledgement of this thing that either isn't meeting our expectation or a standard we aren't meeting, or a weakness that we have, or a sin that we have committed, and then taking it to the Lord honestly and asking for his help. Second Corinthians 12, 9 says, But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the Christ so that Christ's power may rest on me. And that is why for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. You see, our imperfections remind us to rely on the only one who is perfect. That 2 Corinthians verse, that's Paul speaking. And he is like the recovering legalist, right? He is the one that was actually so bent on living up to the law and being righteous that he totally missed Jesus until Jesus revealed himself and removed the scales from his eyes. And so we need to lean in. I know for me, I lean in real close and listen to Paul here. I think Paul was a recovering perfectionist. It's how I describe myself. I think he finally realized that even in those areas where he falls short. Those are the areas that we can take to the Lord, and those are the things that remind us that we need him and that we can go to him and that he will cover that imperfection with his perfect love. And the second truth that really was a light bulb moment for me was that God can actually use what we perceive as imperfections to carry out his perfect plan.

SPEAKER_00 22:29

So I'm gonna say that again. God can use what we perceive as imperfections to carry out his perfect plan.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

See, because we are imperfect beings, we are sinful beings. The truth is that even our definition of what perfect is is imperfect. It's imperfect. We actually can't, it's way outside of our realm of understanding. Only God knows and can define and is perfect. His plan is perfect. And so what I am defining as my way is not a perfect at all. It's not his standard of perfect in any way, because I don't understand his, I don't know his plan. And so that's a humbling truth in and of itself, right? I had already said that perfection is usually pride. It's us trying to play God, and even more so, it's us thinking we understand the right way. But my view of perfection is totally flawed. My view of the perfect plan is flawed. What I define as perfect is flawed.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

It is tainted by my own sin, it's tainted by my lived experience and my own expectations. God has a plan.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

And because he is all powerful, all-knowing, and present everywhere and at all times, he is weaving together a beautiful tapestry that I could never create on my own because I have limited view of what he could possibly be doing. So whatever I think is the perfect plan for me or my family or my kids is grossly short-sighted. Only he knows what is perfect in light of eternity. I mean, look at the life of Jesus. Would you have chosen death on the cross as the means to save all humanity? Would you have sacrificed your own son and made him bear the weight of the entire sinful world and to go through such a painful death as a human? Would you have done that? Would you have chosen that? Would you have even thought of that as being a way to victory, to salvation? And yet God used that as a way to complete his perfect plan. And so I can look at my life and see the same thing. I can look at all the things that I thought maybe were not perfect, didn't meet my expectations, or were deep, deep disappointments. And I can see how God still used that for the kingdom. That how he can still use that to grow me closer to him, to grow me and make me a more useful part of the kingdom, to to expand my compassion and my empathy for others, and to give me a perspective I never would have had otherwise if my life was seemingly perfect. It was all of those imperfect, disappointing, hard to understand things that happened in my life that actually turned out to be the greatest blessings. I look at my daughter, I look at Brooklyn, and I look at her special needs and her physical disabilities. It's hard sometimes, you know? There's a lot she can't do. Her body fails her on the daily, and yet God has used her life in such big ways. We have talked about this a couple episodes ago with Lindsay, the value that each life holds. And so although the world may look at her body and not call it perfect, she in fact is made in the image of God and he is using her and her life to do kingdom work that is part of his perfect plan. I've seen that in my own life. That is how I started speaking and sharing God's truth with women. It started out with me sharing my testimony about how God worked in our family and in our life through Brooklyn's diagnosis. And I have lived these last couple years watching him use her story as a way for me to share his story. And so while, you know, our life is not necessarily one I would have thought of or chosen, having the struggles and for Brooklyn to have the physical disabilities and medical challenges that she has, I have seen him use it for so much good. And it's such a good lesson for me in other areas of my life that all those little things I feel disappointed about might just be the very means and ways of God, and that he can use that to further perfect me or to carry out his perfect plan, not my perfect plan. And because I know he is a good, good father, I know that his way is the best way. Romans 8 28. And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. We have to trust, trust, and trust some more. God is in control and he will make it good. So when you feel that need for perfection rising up, whether you consider yourself a perfectionist or not, when you feel the shame creeping up, ask yourself what is your actual purpose in this moment, right? Like what is the purpose that we have here on this earth? What does God actually ask of us? Does he ask us to manage the optics, to manage our egos? Or perhaps we're better off taking a deep breath and considering Christ and what he actually said he expects of us.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

First, he tells us to love. Matthew 22, 36 through 40.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law? Jesus replied, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments. And so God expects us to love.

SPEAKER_00 28:53

And we're gonna do that even imperfectly. But he knows our heart.

SPEAKER_02 28:59

And the second, he asks us to disciple, right? We know the great commission is to go out and to make disciples. That is what he calls us to do. And so that's also the expectation is that we have to go out there and we have to do our best to share his truth with others. And again, it's remembering that we are going to do this imperfectly as well. But that doesn't give us a free pass to not do it, right? We have to believe that God's power is greater than our weaknesses. Right? That's what we talked about in Second Corinthians, that Paul will boast of his weaknesses because then the power of Christ can work through him. Sometimes when we do something so imperfectly and then yet God works it all out, we remember, oh, that's because it was God, it wasn't me at all. And so sometimes he can use that as a way to reveal to us that he's the one actually running the show. So don't let perfectionism stand in the way of your purpose and your identity. Our identity is in Christ and what he did on the cross.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

And our purpose is to love and to make disciples and to trust God's perfect plan.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

Not to seek perfection, not to prove anything to others, not to prove anything to God, and certainly not to prove anything to ourselves. We are loved, we are held, we are treasured by our God.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

So I know I covered a lot, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:33

I mean, there's a lot here, but this is just one of those topics that I just feel so strongly about and that God has truly healed in my heart. It's something I still deal with, um, you know, but I it's every day, it's leaning more and more into his grace and accepting his grace and realizing what he actually asks of me. We are imperfect women who are being perfected in Christ day by day. So give yourself some grace. Our view of perfection is short-sighted and it's incomplete. We need to trust God's plan over our own. And instead of chasing perfections, we gotta check our motives and stay focused on our true purpose to love others, to point them to God, and to do our best to live out the ways of Jesus. Ecclesiastes 3 11 tells us he has made everything beautiful in his time. He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from the beginning to end. And so I know our hearts, my heart longs for eternity in a time when God will set all things right. And so that perfectionism part of it is also my yearning for eternity. But that's also our hope. It's that perfection is actually coming. We will be completed in Christ and we will live in his perfect eternity forever. But until then, we just have to trust God. We have to trust that he is making something beautiful out of our imperfect lives for our good and for his glory. When I think about how I want to live this out this week, I'm going to grab my little stack of post-it notes and I'm going to write the phrase purpose over perfection. And I'm going to put one in each spot in my life that I feel like I need this reminder. So I'm going to take it and I'm going to put it on my mirror in the bathroom for when I'm getting ready. I'm going to put one on my computer for when I'm doing my work. And I think I'll probably put one in my kitchen, maybe my car as well. Just because I think this idea of unmet expectations or perfection really can creep in just to our day-to-day. I think that's a lot of times where we find our frustration and our stress. It's because we keep wanting things to go a certain way. And so this is just my reminder of what is actually important in the moment. Okay, so to close us out for prayer time, I wanted to read you a liturgy from the book Every Moment Holy. We've talked about this before. It's a series of books that is just absolutely beautiful. It gives you liturgies or prayers for many everyday moments in our lives or certain situations or disappointing times. And this one specifically is a liturgy for a perfectionist. And I can't tell you how many times I have read this, but I'm just going to read some of it to you. I'm not going to read all of it to you because it is several pages long, but I thought it would be a beautiful way for us to go to the Lord with this in prayer. Let's pray. Oh matchless God, beyond compare. You are the only being who makes no mistakes, never miscalculates, and cannot create anything less than perfection. And yet sometimes I forget that you are God, and I am not. I find myself in this daily war of affections. Do I love you, Christ my Lord, and surrender to you, your will, and your way? Or do I love self-reliance and seek a kind of perfection to convince me that all is right with the world? This search for perfection is an illusion and it is unattainable. I'm sorry, Lord, for wearing myself out in pursuit of an unattainable ideal. But you, O God, are the one who holds all things together. Let that calming truth cause me to take a breath and let it be, even when my work is imperfect, to set down the mirror when flaws taunt me, to hold my tongue when I'm tempted to have the last word. To set my work and thoughts of my work aside when the day is done. Perfectionism is a secret campaign to claim power and authority in my own life. Apart from you, O God. So let me surrender to your rule and your reign instead.

SPEAKER_03 35:15

The stress and tension I feel are indicators that I'm not just trying to do my best. I'm trying to be faultless. I'm trying to be my own little God.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

But the truth is, the fear that drives my perfectionism can never compete with your care and faithfulness. What I really long for, what I'm really made for, is to rest in your perfect love, your perfect will, your perfect plan, your perfect story for my life.

SPEAKER_03 35:51

Surely you promise perfect peace to those whose minds are fixed on you. Thank you, Jesus. In your name we pray. Amen. Okay, listeners. We don't have to be perfect. We just need to believe in and trust in Jesus, the only one who is. He alone is our solid ground.