After Thoughts: Introduction

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

Get on the Waitlist for my next book: https://thewesternhippie.myflodesk.com/mc5b9wv2ps

Grab a hard copy of The Barn Off of Colfax Lane here: https://amzn.to/3PvBiKN

For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

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Introduction afterthoughts That is still a really hard thing for me to accept about myself that there are parts of my memory that aren't perfect. And what was really interesting is in what is now the introduction, there were a few times that I I messed up and had to rewrite and I want or had to re-speak and I wanted to go back and just re-record without the the flops and I reminded myself like that's the whole purpose of how I'm recording the audiobook, the way I'm recording it, is and the feeling that I want to bring to it, and the thing that I am trying to break through, you know, that I had talked about is I'm trying to reframe perfect. Meaning perfect is it is exactly as it needs to be and not flawless, because I think what we have construed like in our culture is we mistake the word perfect for flawless. And what perfect really means is it's per like perfect the way it is. It went exactly as it needed to go, which is my intention, like with this book. I I wanted to record this audiobook in a way that felt like I I love the vision, and I and I talk about this early when I was introducing the audiobook, but I just loved the idea of it feeling like when our teacher would read to us in school where she's reading and we're having you know a group discussion after the chapters. And in that, you know, it was perfect the way my teacher read the books, but it wasn't necessarily flawless. You know, she would make mistakes, she would have to reread lines, but that that is what I loved because it was real and it was raw and it was just in real time, and that's what I wanted this book to feel like, and that's what I want this audiobook to feel like. And there's still times where I struggle with the fact that it's not flawless, right? That I'm recording this in a bedroom and not in a studio, and you are gonna hear my ums and you are gonna hear the pages, and to realize that it is perfect. It may not be flawless in in the sense of the word, but it is perfect, mean meaning it's being done exactly as I want it to be done, and it and in that it's feeling exactly how I want it to feel, which is perfect. And so, yeah, I I think I just needed to say that out loud because I even now this is still a hurdle I'm overcoming. This is still something I struggle with, is is constantly wanting to make something look flawless and not seeing the perfection and the beauty in it, in the flaw, like in not being flawless, right? And in the flawlessness, I believe I might have said that wrong, but um, so yeah, that's just kind of my afterthoughts on this one is you know, that struggle is still there. And so, how can I allow that struggle and still see the beauty and knowing that I'm I'm creating this audiobook to be and feel exactly like what I want it to feel like, even if that is quote unquote not flawless, it is still perfect.