After Thoughts: Chapter 3

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

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For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chapter 3 Afterthoughts Back to what I was saying in the last afterthoughts, this part of the book is still really fun for me to recall because I remember that day so vividly. I remember coming into the barn, seeing Pepper, and just being so mesmerized by her. And I had just never seen a horse like that. We, like I said in the book, had grew up trail riding with my dad. It was very like a casual riding style. I had never been in a barn where there were show horses and horses that were treated like a luxury item, if you will. And so seeing Pepper was just a whole new experience for me. Seeing a horse like that was a whole new experience for me. And then, as I had said more previous in the book, Todd had showed horses in his earlier years, but after his wife got sick, he quit showing it. So he didn't have show horses or horses that were at show caliber when I technically had started riding with him. So Pepper was the first horse that he had got in his barn while I was there that was of show quality and was like that. And to this day, like that day, again, as I said, is just still so vivid in my mind and sticks out so clearly. And I don't think I'll ever forget it as long as I'm alive. And it it was just really looking back on it now, it was just really interesting because it come to find out that that was something that was a part of like Todd's grooming tactic. He had a pattern of quote unquote finding horses for kids. And again, that you know, it is very inch like I I don't even think to be honest with you, knowing what I know now, but the whole like hindsight's 2020, I honestly don't think he ever had any intentions of selling her to that lady. I I do think it was part of the roofs, to be honest with you, and still, you know, it's one of those things I wouldn't change it for a thing. Like I couldn't, I still have pepper. Pepper is actually 20, so she was 10 when I got her. She's 28 now, so I've had her for 18 years, and as of this recording, I've had her for 18 years, and I I wouldn't change a thing. Like if it if that's what it meant that for pepper to come into my life, I I would do it again. And you know, she was from it was kind of cool. She's from Woodland, California, and I last in 2024 I I drove to San Diego, and I didn't usually when I'm driving to California, I live in Oregon, I still live in Oregon. I you know, I have to be somewhere at a certain time. And this last time when I drove down, I I didn't have to be anywhere at a certain time. So when I got to the place Pepper was from, she's from Woodland, California. I drove around, I went and saw the stallion station she was from, and it was just kind of crazy that you know she was from California. I obviously didn't, 12-year-old Michaela didn't know I would end up going to school in California and living there for a while. And so when I I went down in 2024, it was a really cool experience to drive by her place and think about just the place that she was from, and then obviously so much had unfolded since her birth, and she was born in in 98, and it was just a really um just kind of a full circle moment for me. And yeah, I I really wouldn't change a thing with how you know she came into my life, and it, you know, it's so cool and special that I have her all these years later. And she she taught me so much, you know, Todd taught me so much, but really it was Pepper that you know continued to push me because there's some horses that will give you grace and kind of the benefit of the doubt, and Pepper's not that way. Like if you're gonna ask her to do something, you're gonna ask her right, or she's not gonna do it, which can be hard, but it's also, again, looking back at so beautiful because it pushed me, you know, to a level that I don't think I would have got to as a rider without her. So um, yeah, it was really fun for me to reread that and just reminisce about like, oh yeah, I I remember that day. I remember standing there just kind of shell-shocked a little bit of like this horse is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and then pulled out, and I I had my phone, but it was one of those phones, it was like the Walkman phones that you kind of slid. It wasn't quite a flip phone, but and I pulled it out, saw what time it was, or I actually don't think I saw what time it was. I think I I looked at my phone, I think, to see how long I'd been there because I remember pulling my phone out, but um, and I'll talk about this later in the book, but Todd had a really squeaky door, and so I I heard the door and I was like, oh crap, like I gotta I gotta get horses fed, like I don't want to get in trouble. But then it was like, you know, I remember I had taken the wheelbarrow out behind to where the outside pins were, fed the horses. Todd was walking inside of the barn and I ran inside with that wheelbarrow and was like, who is you know, I again I was like, good morning, and I was like, who is this horse? Where did she come from? And you know, to it to a 12-year-old, especially me, horse, that was just like such a big moment for me. And so, yeah, I actually did really enjoy rereading that part of the book and remembering the day that I I saw Pepper for the first time, but then also, you know, kind of going through like how I got Pepper and then she I don't want to spill too much until we get into the rest of the book, but she just becomes a very central figure in a lot of things in the book. And so again, it's just really fun remembering the time where that that was fun and that was cool, and um, yeah. So before I give anything else away, let's get into the rest of the story.