Chapter 4: The Incident

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

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For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

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Chapter four The Incident twelve year old Michaela I cleaned all but two stalls before Todd got to the barn this morning. Per routine I started saddling pepper when I heard Todd exit the house. Well technically I heard his screen door squeak when he left the house. That thing is so squeaky that I could hear it shut even if his house sat miles away from the barn instead of just a few feet. I love my lessons and I love riding pepper, but Todd and his riding lessons have started to become frustrating and defeating again. The only thing I currently enjoy about lessons is the break I get from the hayfields, so I do my best to get into the arena and start writing before Todd gets to the barn to start the lesson. That way I can just have a lap or two around the arena with just my girl and me. There's this thing Todd calls feel, and regardless of what I try, do and feel, or apparently not feel in my case, I can't figure feel out. It would help me if we tried a different approach instead of just doing the same thing every day, or if Todd would just let me ride pepper out in the field. Since I learned to ride horses outside, I feel more comfortable comfortable figuring out new things when no one is watching me and when I can have a little and when I can be a little more in my element. However, Todd says it's not a good idea to ride a horse as nice as pepper out in a field, and I don't want to push the idea because the last thing I want to do is hurt Pepper. Although in my opinion, she's not a dumb horse. I think she would do just fine going for a ride out in the field. She may even love it. But he knows more about horses than I do, especially well trained horses like her, so I don't argue with him about it. I just need to do something different to figure this feel thing out because doing the same thing every day is not helping me feel feel. I mainly struggle with it when I try to do the spin maneuver thing that Todd did the first day I watched him ride Pepper and when he showed off by crossing his arms and dropping the reins. Apparently that maneuver is called a turnaround, and last week when Todd asked me to go from a circle directly into the turnaround, I didn't do it I didn't do it correctly. After he said to me for the hundred millionth time, nope, that's not it, I stopped Pepper in the middle of the arena and I asked for an explanation. I don't get it. How do I know if I'm doing it right or not? I asked. You have to develop feel, he responded. How do you do that? I asked, expecting a two plus two equals four type of answer. You'll feel it when you feel it. Cool. That's helpful. Next time give me oranges and ask me to make an apple pie because that would be more useful than that answer. After that lesson, Todd got on pepper to fix my mistakes. I felt both embarrassed and stupid. I can tell Todd when Todd gets annoyed when I don't do things properly with Pepper. But just like with the stall cleaning, he doesn't tell me how to correct or fix the things I do incorrectly. He only tells me to do it again with no note of encouragement or direction. It makes me feel like the annoying fly buzzing around the arena gate again. I know everyone is different, but my volleyball coaches always tell me how I can do things better. They say that's what they like about me, because I listen. And I listen because I genuinely want to improve at the things that mean a lot to me. So Todd can't even say I don't listen to him because he's not giving me any instruction to listen to. And that's the most maddening part. I feel like I'm trying to navigate water with an instructor instructor who knows how to swim, but won't throw me a life jacket or tell me to swim as I'm drowning. The three voices in my head begin again. Just be done. Just be done with him. And these lessons. If he can't figure out how to teach you, that's the teacher's problem, not yours. Yeah, I feel done. There's just one problem. Pepper hasn't been paid off yet. You know your dad will get her paid. Leave. Just leave. Bye bye. I'll catch you later. Jody Messina. Really? Great lyric choice, wasn't it? Sure. I know. But there is more that I want to learn. I don't want to give up or let Todd down. He's taught me a lot, and giving up now would seem but is it giving up if the horse trainer is a pig headed, non-listening son of a Michaela? Breathe. Sit up straight, make the best of your ride today, and go from there. I take a deep breath and feel the slump in my head and shoulders as Pepper and I stroll around the arena together. Todd enters the arena and sits down on his yellow throne. It's a bit odd, but I'm guessing he built the viewing station in the arena in order to see better, since he's not much taller than I am. He's maybe five five or five six. It's a wood platform on the viewer side of the arena with an old yellow garage sale armchair sitting on it. He sits there in the exact same way every lesson, right leg crossed over the left leg, and left elbow elbow on the armrest closest to the riding arena. He typically rests his head on his fist unless he's using his arm to make some gesture that makes no sense because he doesn't actually give instructions on correcting the maneuvers I do incorrectly. I take another deep breath, straighten my head and shoulders, and begin the pattern. Instruction or not, I'm determined to figure this feel thing out and have a good ride. We do the same pattern every day, so at this point, I don't even have to think about it, I just do it. Walk two circles going all the way around to the right. After the two circles, come down the center of the arena, two track back towards the wall, repeat once. Once that portion of the pattern is completed, come around the arena again and instead of cutting the arena in half, come down the side of the arena halfway and begin a counter arc in a small circle. Counter arc for two circles, then remove the counter arc and complete two more circles. The next part is the part I dread. I put my rein on Pepper's neck to take her into the turnaround, and I feel something under my butt that I've never noticed before. Huh. I wonder. I roll my pelvis to see if in the moment my pelvis shifts shifts back, I feel Pepper roll onto her back and her butt and go into the turnaround. Holy crap, she's fast. I've never felt anything like this, but my focus shifts because I've never heard Todd so excited before. Yes, yes, that's it. Good, go on. Oh, that's what feel is? Feeling if my feeling in my butt if my horse is on her butt or not, and shift my pelvis tilt to cue her to go into the turnaround? I learned that in gymnastics. Why was that so hard to explain? Couldn't he have just said Oh well, I may never understand that one. The point is, I felt feel, and it's even more amazing than I could have ever imagined. Wow. Pepper is just so cool, and she keeps getting cooler. I have always loved things that spin. Dances that spin, tire swings that spin, amusement park rides that spin, but horses that spin, that is so much cooler than all of those things combined. After the turnaround, the riding pattern repeats, the same maneuvers but in the other direction. Todd says horses always have to do things on both sides or they will become one sided. I prepare for the turnaround going to the left intensive again because a part of me doubts if I actually understand this whole feel thing or if the turnaround going the other way was just a happy accident. I put the rein on Pepper's neck and I tilt my pelvis, Pepper sucks back onto her butt and as her legs cross one over the other into the turnaround going to the left. My confidence returns for the first time in what feels like months, maybe even years. My ride on Pepper gets smoother and smoother with each part of the pattern she and I move into. I didn't understand until the feeling I didn't understand until feeling the turnaround that feel applies to every maneuver when riding a horse. We finish the pattern. I have a smile on my face that could paint the sky from the west coast to the east coast. Calm as a cucumber, not today. I finally felt feel. I dismount and give Pepper a huge hug around her neck. I think she may be the best horse ever. Pepper and I walk through Pepper and I walk through the breezeway from the arena back to the stall barn. I tie her in the cross ties and start unsaddling her. I think the smile on my face might become permanent. The only we only rode horses on trails with my dad, and I always dreamed of doing more with horses than just walking in a straight line down a path, but it seemed like a dream so far out of reach. Now it's here and it's even better than I imagined. I'm just so giddy. I grab the front and the back of the saddle to take it off of Pepper and put her back in and put the saddle back in the tack room. Before I have the saddle fully off of Pepper, I look over to see Todd walking through the front door of the stall barn. He gestures at me he gestures at me to come over to him. I take my hands off of the saddle and leave it on Pepper's back until Todd leaves for the morning. He started a new routine this summer that involves going to garage sales after my lesson, and I finish stalls while he's gone. I look over at the front of the barn door as Todd re-enters the stall barn from the arena. He gestures at me, I set the saddle back on Pepper's back and walk toward him. Good job today, he says. Come give me a hug, I'm gonna head out. The smile hasn't left my face. Thank you, I say, as I put my arm around his back. His left arm comes around my waist and I feel something weird. The voices in my head appear to tell me what I think isn't real. Hmm. That's odd. Surely I'm mistaken. There's no way I feel what I think I feel. People accidentally touch people in the wrong parts while hugging them all the time. He couldn't be Michaela. Look. I pull my head from his chest and look down at my left boob. I am feeling what I think I'm feeling. Todd has his hand firmly cussed around my boob while massaging it up and down.