After Thoughts: Chapter 4

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

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Grab a hard copy of The Barn Off of Colfax Lane here: https://amzn.to/3PvBiKN

For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chapter four Afterthoughts So this is technically the second time I've recorded this audiobook. I recorded it last summer and for a variety of reasons I decided to re-record it again. And what I think is really interesting is the same thing is happening as it did on the first record as it's happening on the second record. And that is I can feel the shift in how I'm feeling because the first few chapters I know I've got a little bit before we get into the gunk, if you will. And I know chapter four is where we get into the gunk. And to this day, that first day that I in the chapter I just read, the first day, the day of the incident, as I I am calling it, is in so many ways, and if I'm being really honest with myself, I think it is the hardest day of that whole summer because it was the day that like everything changed. You know, it's I didn't do this on purpose, but it's interesting in hindsight that I called this chapter the incident, because in so many ways, if you've wrote books or wrote movies or have studied story structure at all, there's something called the inciting incident. So this is the moment where you know Peter Parker gets bit by the spider. You know, he's no longer just Peter Parker, he's now Peter Parker in Spider-Man. If you're a Twilight nerd like I was growing up, this is where it when Bella meets Edward. You know, she's no longer, you know, Bella who never met Edward. Now she's Bella who had met Edward, which puts her life on a totally different trajectory. For Harry Potter, this would be when, you know, Voldemort Avada Kadarva, whatever his parents, um, there's these incidents where the character or the person goes through because the reason we, I truly believe the reason we resonate with characters and story structure so deeply is because of the truth that is real life. And movies and books and whatever just condense that into a shorter time frame than the scope of our lives. But in our lives, we have inciting incidents all the time. We have these incidents that happen in our lives where we are no longer there was the person we were prior to that incident, and there was the person we are post that incident. And so it's interesting in hindsight that I titled this chapter The Incident because, in so many ways, that was an inciting incident in my life, and that's why it's so hard because there was a Michaela before that day, and now very clearly there's a Michaela after that day. And for me, there was also my relationship with Todd before that day, and then there becomes the relationship with him after, and it's two totally different. And for me, when I really boil down what was hardest about this experience, the whole experience that summer with Todd, that day, it does come down to betrayal. And that moment was to me the the day of like ultimate betrayal, and that's what's so hard. So I really think if I really was being honest with myself with everything, that day was the hardest day of the whole summer. And um, and so it's I I find it interesting. And one of the promises I made, as I've talked to you about in earlier afterthoughts, was I was going to stay honest, I was gonna stay authentic, and I was gonna let it be imperfect. Uh, back to that like flawless conversation, like it is perfect, but it's not necessarily flawless. And I read that chapter in the first time I recorded the audiobook, and then now I find myself making the most mistakes. And there's a part of me that wants to go back and wants to correct it and just reread it until I don't mess miss a word or mess up or have to reread a line or whatever it is, and seeing it as not flawless, but as perfect, meaning it is the way it is. I'm like, that is actually perfect that I'm reading it the way I'm reading it because it's allowing those emotions to come through of like I'm stumbling through that chapter, as in real life, I was stumbling through that experience, and it it really created a big stumble in my emotions in that. And so again, it's really hard for me to leave it like that. And I really think that it there is some power into it being that way because it is a very real mirror of how I was feeling that day and and stumbling in those incidents. But it's like now reading it, I know what's coming. What really shocked me in that moment was I obviously had no idea what was coming. As I I read to you, like I was on the high of a lifetime, I was having just such a beautiful day. You know, when you struggle with something for so long, and for me, with horses being so important and such a priority to me, like that day was huge for me to have been struggling with something for so long to figure it out, but then also to have this beautiful ride on this horse that I love. And you know, it's just this feeling of euphoria. Like I felt euphoric, and as I said, like I wasn't calm as a cucumber, that smile could have painted um the sky from the East Coast to the West Coast. Like I was just so happy. And so to be in that state of just pure bliss and euphoria, and then to have someone come in that I trusted, and like I had said in the earlier chapters, I really looked up to as a grandfather figure to like go to give him a hug goodbye, which was a pretty standard thing, and for him to like grab my boob was just so traumatized, like so shocking, so traumatizing and so just earth-shattering. And the difference now is like I know what's coming, and so that's where like those stumbles and reading the words and the emotions start to come in. It's like I know what's coming, and it's the part of me I think that wants to rewrite the story, right? That wants to gloss over this part and just pretend like oh, that summer was great. I had writing lessons, this guy was like my grandfather, and it was so cool and it was beautiful. And it's like that's just not how the story went. And so, but now that I know that's coming, it's like those emotions start to rise sooner in the anticipation. And obviously, I know the story. I live the story. This story lives in my memory bank, but like I still don't love reading it. Like, I still don't love re-going through that in so many ways. And so it's like in the anticipation, I start like my energy dies down. I start to to go into that a little bit more, and I really am making myself again allow myself to stumble and allow that to be a part of the story because that makes the story even more powerful. So um, with that, thank you for stumbling through that. Um, with that through through me, with that, you know what I mean? Um, we got some more stumbles to get to, so let's get to them.