Chapter 5: Frozen

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

Get on the Waitlist for my next book: https://thewesternhippie.myflodesk.com/mc5b9wv2ps

Grab a hard copy of The Barn Off of Colfax Lane here: https://amzn.to/3PvBiKN

For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

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Chapter five Frozen twelve year old Michaela The white stripes on my green tank top have now turned into squiggly lines that wiggle like a worm. Touching someone in the wrong place while hugging them may be an accident. But this? What is this? Can this really be an accident? My eyes fling up from my boob and scan the barn. I look at the dirt floor just in front of me, and then to Pepper who has her butt towards me with her saddle on while still standing in the cross ties, and then my eyes fling up to Todd's face. He may be only a couple inches taller than me, but he has enough height on me that I still have to look up to him. As I look up to him, his wrinkly face leans towards mine. Have you ever had sex? spills out of his lips. I stare at him straight in the eye, my brain races for an answer that makes sense. Hell it races for a question that makes sense too. Three voices begin. No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming? I don't think I can speak. I may not be able to speak a word, but I can see everything. I can see a blank stare in his eyes, the seriousness of his question, the specks of chewing tobacco stuck in his teeth, and how his cheeks stand out more than his chin like a pillow stuffed under a fitted sheet. I think he's waiting for my answer, but I still can't speak. How long have we been standing here staring at each other? A second? A minute? An hour? I have no idea. I feel him remove his arm from around my back and step away so no parts of his body touch mine anymore. He takes another step back and then turns around to exit the barn. I try to take a step forward, but my legs won't move. Maybe it's just my right leg that won't move. I consciously switch my focus to my other leg and try to get a step forward. Nothing. Oh no. It's not just my legs. I can't get any of my body parts to move. Not even my eyes. They haven't stopped looking at the rusted latch on the second stall door since Todd walked away. I don't know what to do. I have two stalls left to clean, and I can't even move, let alone clean stalls. Pepper kicks at a fly and it startles me into movement. My eyes move from the rusted stall latch to pepper. I feel my legs jolt for a second, and then they start to tingle. Pepper, pepper, pepper pepper, pepper is still in the cross ties. I need to get her unsaddled and into her stall so she can finish her breakfast. Pepper, focus on pepper. Walk towards pepper. Get pepper saddle off, I repeat to myself. My eyes leave pepper and I stare at my feet. Okay, I learned how to walk once, I can learn how to do it again. I focus my eyes on the toe of my cowboy boots where my pant leg hits them. Alright, Michaela, I say out loud to myself. Just focus on the dirt in front of your boot and take one step at a time. I continue to stare at my boots in the dirt. I hope that if I stare long enough, my legs will eventually start to move on their own. Pepper kicks at a fly again. Breathe, Michaela, I say out loud. I watch the toe of my boot pick itself up off the ground and take a step. I look at my other boot and watch it take a step. I pick my eyes up from the dirt and I look at Pepper. My body and I are no longer one. We are a bunch of independent pieces that must learn how to work together again. To get my legs to keep working, I repeat the words from the book by doctor Seuss that my mom used to read to me at bedtime. Left foot left, right foot right. I footbook myself all the way until I arrive at Pepper. But now for the next challenge. I have to get this saddle off her. I looked at the saddle, my eye scanned the horn at the front of the saddle, and then scanned the cannel at the back of the saddle. I command my arms to grab the saddle. Nothing. Gosh dang it, why didn't doctor Seuss write an arm book? What am I going to do now? The three voices begin to coax me. Breathe, Michaela, breathe. Breathing is not going to help remove her arms. It will remind her that she has arms. Well, aren't you a genius? I haven't heard you come up with a better idea yet. Will both of you just be quiet for a minute? I'm trying to talk to my arms. Okay, arms, I say to my arms. You pick up hay bales, remember? You can lift a saddle too. I try to lift my arms to grab the saddle again, and the only thing that moves is my biceps, as if they aren't as if they're about to start dancing to the chicken dance. Nana na na na I find the bottom of my rib cage and take a deep breath. Come on, arms, you got this. I say out loud once more. I start moving my fingers, and a feeling fills my arms. It's a tingly feeling, but it's a feeling nonetheless. My arms crawl their way to the top of the saddle. Thank goodness Pepper is short like I am. I grab the saddle and pull it off Pepper's back. The saddle's weight hits the grip of my fingers and breaks through it. The saddle crashes to the floor. I jump because I was worried that the sound of the saddle hitting the ground would scare Pepper, but it didn't scare her at all. Clearly I'm more jumpy than her today. I drag the saddle to the platform on the side of the cross ties. I'm not going to be able to lift this into the tack room right now. I will have to return to get it after I finish the last two stalls. Todd hates it when saddles touch the ground, so I hope he doesn't return until I can get the saddle back into the tack room. I lift my right hand up to unclip pepper from the cross ties. My fingers grasp grasp the clip, but they don't have the strength to pull it down on their own. I lift my hand my left hand up to help my right hand unclip the clip. Both of them manage to get pepper free from the cross ties. Pepper walks fast, so once she's unclipped, we return to her stall faster than I have walked since early this morning. Well, more accurately, Pepper walked and I got dragged. Pepper's stall is one of the two stalls that I have left to clean. Even with even with my dragging down the aisle courtesy of Pepper, everything still feels heavy. My legs, my fingers, my arms, the manure, the manure fork, and the wheelbarrow. With every scoop I place in the wheelbarrow, I have to stop and lean against Pepper for strength. I put my head in her long black mane and I stare at the ground each time. What the hell just happened? And why can't I move?